“Is that all I can get for you, Saki?” Yuuko asks, and I nod appreciatively.
“That’s great, Yuuko, but my Mom will probably want something when she arrives.” I smile and she does the same, bowing before heading off onto the next table. I pull the worn sleeves of my maroon hooded jacket up my arms a little; unzip the front to reveal a faded grey t-shirt and brush down my shapeless dark jeans.
I hear the bell above the door chime, then the man behind the counter call out a welcome, turning my focus toward the woman and younger man entering the Shanghai. Don’t tell me…
“Saaakiii~! I’ve missed you!” Mother’s high-pitched, fake-cutesy voice grates like it always does. I get up as she trots quickly over to me in heels and embraces me with a huge smile. I hug her out of habit but I can’t help but focus on the guy who seemingly came with her.
I can’t believe she’s doing this… I thought this was going to be a real conversation…
“Who… is this?” I ask, quietly enraged that Mother decided that what I hoped would be an honest talk about what’s going on with me has turned into yet another opportunity for her to set me up. I’m just glad Father isn’t here because I don’t think I’d make it out of here without a confirmed date with this rando.
“Daaarliiing~, don’t be rude.” Mother chuckles before giving me a stern stare. Even now it’s a look that can make me flinch but I have to work past that if I’m going to get anywhere today. “This is Taishi Kasoura, the son of Mr Kasoura; the man who invited us to the Spring Gala.”
I remember having to put on a stupid dress and perform like a trained bear. Cheap entertainment for an expensive party; it doesn’t really matter who it was for.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Saki. I’ve heard a lot about you.” The guy looks like a model, all clean-shaven and pricey-clothes. He would seem like my type but the fact that Mother is introducing us is a massive red flag for me.
“How old are you, Taishi?” I try to put my Mother’s glare out of direct line of sight while I get rid of this guy as quickly as possible.
“I’m 24. I’m actually just finishing up my degree in busi-”
“And you want to date a high-schooler?” The question throws him and I can’t help the smile form on my face as I go full Bitch Mode. “No luck with girls your own age?”
“I-I-I-” His confidence being broken that easy is another red flag. I know guys in my year that could turn that around in a snap. He looks to my mother and I follow his eyeline to see she’s gone from stern to livid.
“I’m sorry, Taishi, it seems my daughter has lost her manners.” She says, unable to hide her annoyance, as she tries to make excuses but I’m not letting her do that for me.
“Not at all; it’s just that I recently had to start wearing diapers and I have enough of my own shit to deal with.” The look of shock on both of their faces… I shouldn’t enjoy it but I do.
“D-diapers?” The word sticks in his throat as he looks down at my dark grey jogging pants.
“S-Saki! I-Is this one of your silly jokes?” Mother asks, trying to laugh it off and failing as I shake my head.
“Nope. Just my degenerative disease, that is killing me day-by-day, taking its toll.” I know for damn sure she’d have left out little nugget of information and Taishi’s face going ghost-white confirms it.
“I’m sorry to hear that…” He offers quietly. Alright, maybe he’s not all bad but still; kind of a creep for coming here knowing I’m still in high school.
“I appreciate that, Taishi, but if you don’t mind; I need to speak to Mother about some very serious topics.”
“O-of course. Nice to meet you both.” He bows slightly quickly to both of us and leaves just as quickly; leaving me with my dumbstruck Mother.
I gesture towards the two-person table in the quietest corner that I picked out earlier and Mother huffs at me before following and taking her seat across from me.
“I can’t believe you embarrassed us like that!” She leans toward me to whisper-shout before leaning back and clicking her fingers in the air a couple of times.
“Yuuko will be here in a second; give her a minute.”
“She should be here now. The service here is terrible.” She says, loud enough for other patrons, and Yuuko, to hear. And she says I’m embarrassing…
“This is the first time you’ve ever been here.” I look at her incredulously but I’m not at all surprised at her attitude.
“Don’t take that tone with me, Saki Enomoto. You’re not so pretty that you can afford to act this stupid! The Kasouras are good friends and now I’m going to have to think of what to say next time I see them! I thought we raised you with some respectability.” She says, clicking her fingers twice again.
“It’s amazing that you talk about respectability while being so disrespectful.”
“What is wrong with you? Where is all of this attitude coming from?” She shoots daggers at me and again, I flinch a little. C’mon, Saki, shake it off.
“Maybe it’s because when you called me - wanting to talk - I expected it was because I’d gotten in trouble at school, not to be set-up with yet another in a laundry list of losers.”
“Oh yes… Your Father informed me of your squabble with that girl. And of your other recent poor decisions.”
“What… Ah, me quitting my clubs. And I can guess who told you about that…” I roll my eyes.
“Mr Nomiya was just worried that you’re being influenced by troublemakers.” She says, almost convincing me with that concerned voice of hers.
“My friends aren’t troublemakers!” I swear, if that asshole has been bad-mouthing Taro… “And besides; what I do with my time isn’t any of Nomiya’s business!”
“But you can see why your teachers are concerned about your recent behaviour… Getting into fights, destroying your artwork…”
“I doubt Nomiya gives a damn about me, personally. He just wants to get in your good graces and maybe get a kickback on the artwork he’s so worried about. Dead artists make bank afterall.” I dismiss Nomiya’s made-up motive and cut to the truth of the matter.
Mother points a finger at me and begins to open her mouth when Yuuko arrives back at our table with a warm hello. Just as she begins listing the specials, she is rudely cut off by Mother. God, at least look at the person taking your order.
“Coffee, black. And I hope it gets here quicker than you did.”
“S-Sorry! R-right away!” The nervous waitress-cum-librarian glances quickly at me and I mouth a ‘sorry’ to her. I return to my Mother’s disapproving gaze as Yuuko bolts to the back of the coffee house.
“So what about this fight you got into?”
“I… I did something stupid, something I knew was wrong, and got punched in the face by a clubmate.”
“No wonder you don’t feel safe enough to stay in your clubs if they’re full of thugs and troublemakers! Who is this awful girl? What’s her name?” She snarls. It’s surprising to see her be almost protective but then I see the Enomoto come out of her. “I’ll sue her family into the ground.”
“N-No, that’s not the reason I quit the clubs!”
“You can’t just let people smack you around, Saki. Not without taking them for every cent they have.”
“I deserved a lot worse.”
“Nonsense! You’re an Enomoto and I will not have my daughter be assaulted by some common tramp!” This isn’t getting me anywhere, I have to tell her and maybe that will stop her.
“I’m the common tramp! I fucked her boyfriend!” I exclaim just as Yuuko returns with Mother’s coffee. There’s an awkward silence as she places the mug on the table, it squeaking ever-so-softly as it’s slid toward my mother.
“Excuse me…” Yuuko meekly says and bows out of the conversation. Now that was embarrassing.
“You slept with another girl’s boyfriend?” I’m honestly surprised at the look of disgust Mother shows. Hurt, a little, but mostly surprised.
“Yup.” Several times but I don’t feel that adds any better context to the story. She quietly takes the coffee mug in both hands and stares at it for an uncomfortably long time. She sips at the liquid as I take a sip of my own tea.
“What is going on with you, Saki? You’re not acting normal at all.” She finally says, placing her mug down.
“This is who I am, Mother.”
“No, it’s not! You’re disrespectful, you’re dropping out of clubs, and you’re sleeping around!”
“I’m not ‘sleeping around’, Mother.” I add the air quotes for emphasis. “He’s the only guy I’ve slept with.”
“But you slept with him while he was with your friend.”
“…Yeah.”
“Why?” She looks at me, confused.
“Because I’m not a good person. Or, at least, I wasn’t. I’m trying to be better.”
“You are a good girl, Saki!”
“You’re only saying that because, up until now, I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me. Played the dutiful, compliant daughter. And because I did as I was told around you and Father, you didn’t have a clue what I was doing at school.” I sigh, rubbing my forehead in frustration.
“What do you mean? Your teachers have only ever said nice thi-”
“Because they’ve had no fucking idea either! I’ve been a bully for as long as I’ve been at Yamaku. I’ve used and abused my way into being the top bitch just because I could and it’s honestly scary that no one in authority took notice.” I admit, gripping my biceps as I spit venom at my own actions.
“So you were a little overzealous but being ambitious isn’t a bad thin-”
“It wasn’t ambition. It was just… Control.” I interrupt and Mother stares, demanding elaboration.
“Do you know how much I hate being trotted out as entertainment for Father’s friends? Or you setting me up with their sons? Or having the likes of Nomiya look at me as a business investment? All the while ignoring the sword of Damocles hanging over my head.” I explain but when Mother’s dumbfound expression doesn’t change; I continue.
“I just wanted to feel like I was in control of my life for a change. I was left to my own devices for the first time in my life and wanted to do things just for myself. Not for you, or Dad, or anyone else. But all that really happened was that I took out all of my anger and spitefulness on the other kids.”
“So you’re blaming your Father and me for your bad behaviour?” Mother bristles at the insinuation and I answer reflexively.
“Yeah! No! God, I don’t know…” Blaming them is easy but it’s not the whole truth of it. I’m ultimately responsible for my actions but I was shaped by the adults around me. Urgh, I should have rehearsed what I was going to say!
“Then what are you saying, Saki?” Mother narrows her eyes.
“I just, I don’t know, acted how I thought I ought to; to be an Enomoto but for my own ends for a change? But it never worked out the way I really wanted and by the time I realised that, I was too deep. I was typecast.” I bury my head in my hands and just hope that makes as much sense to her as it does to me.
Again, our table goes quiet as Mother sips at her coffee.
“And what is it that you really want?” Mother asks and my mind goes blank. I know what I said to Rika but that isn’t a viable or realistic plan, no matter how much all I really want to do is live in the moment. The day-to-day.
“I know what I don’t want; I don’t want my life to be defined by greedy people who only see my talents or as a trophy wife to further Father’s business ties.” I say plainly. I hope, as a woman, she at least understands that last part.
“What about the family name?”
“What about it? You don’t seriously expect me to have kids, do you?” I can’t believe she’d still think that was on the table but then I watch on as her face contorts into a kind of sadness I haven’t seen since Grandfather’s funeral.
“There’s no way in hell that I’ll risk passing this shit onto someone else, Mother. You and Father might not have known about the risks at the time but I can’t knowingly do it. I won’t.” That’s something I know for sure.
“I always thought I’d become a grandmother one day. I thought I’d be a fun grandma.” She laments whilst also nodding, seemingly understanding my reasoning.
She might have been a good grandmother. Apparently bad parents make good grandparents but I’m not sure how true that is.
“Maybe, but this,” I gesture to my entire body then look at my cane. “This isn’t something I can risk happening to my child.”
“Ironic, then, that that’s exactly why you’d be a great mother.” She says wistfully and I feel a knot tighten in my stomach. A genuine compliment from her shouldn’t make me feel like shit. Why does it, though?
The table goes quiet and we both take a moment to finish our drinks before we exchange awkward glances with each other.
“Diapers, huh?” Mother pipes up and my blood runs cold. I can’t believe I actually admitted that in public like that. “I didn’t know it had gotten that bad…”
“I didn’t want anyone to know and it’s always going to be worse, Mother.” I respond stoically.
“Mm.” She barely responds, simply rotating her coffee mug by its rim in thought.
Yuuko nervously approaches the table again, either out of fear for my mother or because of how intense our conversation has been.
“I-is th-there anything e-else I can g-get you?”
“No thanks, Yuuko. Sorry for making a scene.” I offer to her and I get the feeling she understands by the sympathetic smile she gives me.
“W-would you like anything else, ma’am?” She turns to my mother who is a lot less hostile this time, thankfully.
“No, thank you.”
Mother rises out of her seat and Yuuko bows, returning to the counter in a rush; probably to avoid more scolding. Mother places several bills onto the table - more than is needed, honestly - then looks down at me with a ponderous expression, a smile forming at the corner of her mouth.
“This has been… certainly something.” She begins, almost cheerfully. “I can’t speak for your Father but you’ve given me a lot to think about.”
“O-okay…” I answer, taking hold of my cane and attempting to stand while my legs scream at me to sit the fuck down. Mother, thankfully, notices and waves her hands.
“No-no, don’t get up. You rest, darling. I’ll call you in the week and maybe we can talk again about how we, as a family, can sort through this?”
I don’t know what there is to ‘sort through’ but I answer “Sure.” She stands there awkwardly for a few moments, her face twisted in ways I’ve never really seen before.
“Okay, well… I love you, Saki. Stay safe. Ciao~!” She paints on her usual persona as she leaves and I’m left a little unsure if that went well or not.
Everything’s fucked! Everything was going so well and now it’s fucked!
I… I… I don’t know what to do. I have to do something and I don’t know what! Stupid, stupid, stupid girl! That’s what he called me. He’s right. I was stupid to think I could escape. It was stupid to think that my Father doesn’t own me. Lock, stock, and barrel.
My hands shakes as I bring the lighter to my face, the cigarette in my mouth quivering like a leaf.
“Yeah-yeah, I’ll let you know if I see her.” An exasperated voice says behind me and I look back at the dusky path out of the park. The dark-skinned tomboy eyes me curiously before speaking again. “No, everything’s fine, dude. I’ll see you soon. Seeya.”
Miki ends her phone call, with who I have to assume is Taro, and clambers over the back of the park bench and sits on the backrest, watching my hands shake as I stare blankly at her.
“You look like shit, Kiki. Here, lemme help.” She states the obvious and reaches toward me, plucking the cigarette out of my mouth and the lighter from my hand. She effortlessly tosses the cigarette into her own mouth and lights in one-handed. She takes a long draw on it and holds the smoke as she passes the lighter and lit cigarette to me.
“So… Whose ass needs kicking?” She asks, frowning, as a fog of smoke blowing out of her nose and mouth like a dragon.
“M-mine, I th-think.” I stammer.
“Why? What’d you do?” Her eyebrow cocks toward me and I take a deep lungful of smoke.
“It’s wh-what I’m g-gonna do…” I shakily answer before giving the answer in a whisper. “I’m gonna break his heart, Miki.”
Miki slides down the bench to sit beside me but she looks more concerned than I’d expect after admitting that I’m going to have to hurt Taro. Her dark eyes study my face; red and puffy from crying. She grumbles, rubbing the back of her head with her stump before putting that same arm around me.
“Taro said your dad picked you up at the gate and, apparently, that was worrisome. Kinda see why. What happened?”
I take a long draw from the cigarette before I begin to spin the tale of the past hour. I’d been expecting Mother to show up so we can talk again but that didn’t happen. Father did. He invited me into his town car and his chauffer drove us around for a long time.
I take another puff and explain what Father wanted to speak to me about, or rather, what he spoke at me about. He said that my Mother was being too soft with me, that he had to step in if my behaviour was to be… rectified. He said he was very disappointed in me, that I was letting the family down, and that I was selfish. My breath quivers as I take a huge, shaky lungful of air and continue.
He told me that my ungrateful attitude for the opportunities he afforded was over, that I was to rejoin my clubs, and to stop seeing my new friends, especially Taro. That I was to do as I was told and that if I didn’t; there’d be consequences.
“So you told him to go fuck himself, right?” Miki asks with an expectant wry smirk that makes me laugh despite myself.
“I said ‘like hell I will’.”
“Good girl.”
But that’s when he pulled out a manila folder. Innocuous and plain but a deadly weapon in his hands. He’d heard a lot about my new friends and wanted to get to know them. He didn’t say it but a man of his means can hire private investigators for anything. Like looking into my friends and their families.
He told me things about them that I didn’t even know - that I shouldn’t know. Not without them telling me themselves.Stuff about Rika’s mother. Who her father is. About Taro’s father and his step-mom. Rumours and scuttlebutt, he said, but certainly enough for uncomfortable questions to be asked. For unwanted eyes to take a closer look.
I rub the back of my head as it pulses with a dull ache. They’re not my secrets to share but I still know them and I don’t know what to do with that information now.
“Think he’s lying?” Miki asks and I shake my head, unsure.
“He could be but it was all so specific… What if he isn’t lying, Miki? If I don’t do as he says… He’ll go after them.”
“That fucker!” Miki rages, jumping to her feet, before turning to me. “So that’s it? You’re under his thumb forever?”
“Y-yeah… I guess.” I lower my head but Miki snatching the cigarette out of my hand draws my attention.
“I took you for a lot, Kiki,” She takes a draw then points at me, cigarette between her fingers. “But I never pegged you for a coward.”
“And what the fuck do you expect me to do, huh? Let him hurt Taro and his family? Something you expressly told me not to do? Or Rika?”
“I don’t know, okay? I tend to deck all my problems in the face!”
“Well, we both know I can’t throw a punch to save my life so think of something else!” There’s a moment of silence before Miki cracks up. Which makes me laugh as well.
“Why am I even laughing? Everything’s all fucked-up…” I sigh, wiping my face.
“Maybe…” Miki offers the dregs of the cigarette back to me, allowing me to finish it while she sits back down. She leans on her knees and rubs her stump.
“You’re looking at the biggest fuck-up at Yamaku. I lost my hand when I was eleven, being a dumb fuck on my family’s farm. Put my hand into an old-timey mangle on a bet and it got, well, mangled.” She holds up her left arm, the end of which is always bandaged.
After a certain point, you stop asking, and even wondering, the hows and whys of other people’s disabilities so this is definitely news to me. She places the stump in her right hand as she continues.
“Got it amputated, obviously. The medical bills caused a lot of arguments between my folks and then, when the fighting got too much… Mom left.” Her eyes are laser-focused on her stump as she frowns. “I did that.”
“You were a kid.” I say softly but Miki snorts and smirks back at me.
“But I kept fucking-up. Got into fights, slept around a bit, got kicked out of school. I was - am - a fuck-up. So take it from one fuck-up to another; you can’t stop fighting. Ever.”
“You sound like Taro…” I chuckle.
“The patron fucking saint of fuck-ups! That dude gave me time when I really didn’t deserve it too. Got me through some real shit. Hell, not just me. Really take a look at our little friend group and tell me he doesn’t draw fuck-ups into his orbit.” Miki laughs, quietly and with an almost contemplative smile.
“Me, Akio, Molly - we’ve all felt worthless or wrong before and Taro was the one to give us a… Fuck, I’m gonna butcher this…” Miki pauses and then proceeds in broken English. “Hell-ping han-dough.”
“A helping hand?” I say, subtly flexing that my English is better than hers.
“Yeah, that’s it… It’s why he’s one of my best friends. He’s my good left hand and, between the two of us, we can handle any problem life throws at us. Made me think even I could do a little good.” Miki smiles earnestly and I tilt my head with a smile of my own. I see her cheeks darken when she notices me staring and coughs.
“What I’m trying to say is; you’ve fucked-up before. You’ve hurt people. Hell, you’ve hurt yourself.” She stands, clenching her fist. “You’ve stumbled into one self-inflicted fuck-up after another without any idea of what the fuck you’re doin’! That makes you one of us, Saki.”
Miki opens and extends her right hand toward me with a brilliant grin. I instinctively want to reach out but I stop. I was ready to roll over like an obedient dog and betray everyone’s faith in me. To spit on the time and effort and friendship offered to me.
“I’m not a good person, Miki. You guys, all of you, are so…” I try to justify not taking her hand but - much like Taro did - she ignores my indecision and grabs hold, pulling me up onto my feet.
“Maybe you’re not good but you’re sure as shit good enough.”
I feel fresh tears well up and Miki pulls me into a hug. I wrap my arms tight around this bizarre, scary, wonderful girl.
“Look,” She whispers. “I don’t know shit about Rika but Taro’s big enough and ugly enough to handle his family’s crap. He has been for years.”
“So you’re saying I let my Father win?” I release my hold and step back, confused. That’s not what I was expecting after one hell of a pep talk.
“No, I’m saying you do what you’ve never done before now; you rely on your friends’ strength.”
“And that means?” I ask, hopeful that this strong-willed Amazon will have answers for me.
“Fuck if I know; I was just trying to say what Taro would.” Only to have that hope dashed as Miki ruefully rubs the back of her head with a cheeky grin. I sigh and fish another cigarette out of my pocket, offering the packet out. Miki waves it off and I light a fresh cigarette.
“Well then,” I inhale deeply, allowing the nicotine rush flood my system. “I guess I’ll have to get a helping hand.”
“Thank fuck.” Miki groans, her shoulders slumping. “I don’t know how he does it; this shit is hard.”
“Helping fuck-ups? I dunno. I think you did pretty good.” I smile at my friend Miki.
Good enough, even.