Okay, so,
A Walk in the Park.
This is an odd one for me. I don't remember if I've read this part of
After the Dream before, so I'm coming in fresh. It's well-written, as all of brythain's work is, but there are several things about it that are just
slightly off. This is partially because it feels
unfinished, and not just because of the
Neverending Story-esque tag. The conversation simply ends, mid-thought -- like, there's
more there, but the author chose to end the scene without showing it.
Another issue here is that the piece seems to betray its own premise, or at least the motivations of the characters. Emi thinks (or claims to think) Hisao should go with Rin because he needs to be "healthier". Taking that at face value, perhaps she just wanted him to climb the hill, but this is
brythain, so taking anything at face value is unlikely to be the correct choice. Thus, we look at the outcome of the journey, which is two-fold: expressing some odd, unearned trust that Rin is somehow placing in Hisao, and the reinforcement of Hisao's own negative mental state through the finding of the grave. The conclusion is that, in exchange for a small benefit to his physical health, Hisao's
mental health has likely just taken a nosedive.
Now, to address Rin's part in this. As I mentioned, Rin's questioning of Hisao is odd in that she's essentially asking him something similar to what Emi asks him at the end of her route: "Hisao, will you put me back together if I lose me?" isn't something you ask someone with whom you have a casual relationship. Yes, this is Rin, but even at that level,
where does the question come from? Why is she asking this of
Hisao, whom she barely knows? Even if we, as readers, kind of might know the answer,
Hisao doesn't, and it should disturb him a lot more than it does. Mind you, if he were treating it as typical Rin-ness, that would be different, but he takes the question seriously and answers it seriously. It's a pretty major incongruity.
Yes, I know it's foreshadowing, but it still feels misplaced.
Also, as with much of brythain's work with Rin, I get the distinct impression that Rin has feelings for Hisao in this piece. After all, she seems to have wanted to bring Hisao on this walk to ask the specific questions mentioned above. (Which brings up another point: did Emi
know this was what Rin wanted to talk about? If so, how did she feel about that?) Even though she's the only one of our canon five that never outwardly displays or inwardly betrays such feelings in the overall mosaic (which, being Rin, she wouldn't), the undercurrent is strong -- stronger, I'd say, than anyone other than Lilly's, at least at times like this. Perhaps Hisao's reaction to the question is meant to imply that he might be picking up on that subconsciously, but that's one leap I'm not willing to make. That's all I'll say about the allusions to the greater work for now, because we're reviewing this as a stand-alone piece.
As a more minor quibble, I understand the repetition of Hisao's thinking about Lilly is there for various reasons, but I don't think it's necessary. In particular, I've never been a big fan of the trope that goes "[x] reminds me of [y], [y] reminds me of [z], [z] reminds me of [EX-GIRLFRIEND!] WAHHHHHHH!" It never really feels organic to me, perhaps because (despite having my share of ex-girlfriends) my own brain never went down that path. Perhaps others really do go down those rabbit holes, so more a personal taste thing.
As for things I do like, I think the part at the beginning where some of the other class 3-3 guys try to lift Hisao's spirits is a nice scene. Lord knows he's not getting that from anyone else in this piece
. Outside of what I mentioned above, the characters in general are well-written, and I especially appreciate Hisao's foray into thinking scientifically. I think that's a particularly under-utilized aspect of his character in fanfiction, so when it appears I do a bit of a mental fist-pump. The gates vs. doors exchange is nice, and shows the Rin/Hisao dynamic at its best. I'm...not as sure about the discussion of the various parts of Rin's anatomy, but it's cute, so I give it a pass.
Anyway, there you go.
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