What a wonderful world

[LordDarknus]

“What a wonderful world...” she exclaims with cheer into the wind, combing her fingers through the tussled strands of her dark golden hair.

It's a warm breeze that brings the sunshine into our hearts, and carries the soothing whispers of fresh flowers all around us, smiling with the light of the sun as we stand out here alone under a bright blue sky.


...then she turns to me and asks, with sadness in her eyes hidden by her dazzling smile; “Are you sure you want me to be your girlfriend? Akio Hayashi?”

Before I could answer with all my heart, she adds “All the way? Until the bitter end takes me from you?”

I hesitate, while her soft sad gaze wanders deep through the wind, and finds the honesty in my eyes.

“Yes, Saki Enomoto...” I affirm her, and move to take her hands in mine, “I want to be happy with you.”

She looks down upon our hands, our canes hanging at our wrists. She nods quietly, and rests her head against me as I embrace her.



I lived with her, every step taken together, sharing the years in happiness, past the tears of education and our graduation, and walking proudly into the long winding road of adulthood. I eventually found myself becoming a writer for a magazine, while Saki never gave up trying to paint a masterpiece.

While I worked, she would spend more and more daylight hours inside our little rented apartment, painting on the canvas beside the window, smiling as she creates colours and soothing shapes. Slowly and carefully, inch by trembling inch, her very spirit seemed to become a grand landscape, that after all of her labours upon it had come to an end, she would finally, and quietly, name it in love; “What A Wonderful World”.

While her masterpiece flowered its seemingly endless bloom, my world went smaller, and smaller, each day, as Saki became more.. and more bedridden, each passing day... I feared the days would come to their end; I knew they would come, yet I did not know I had feared it so much, that my world disappeared forever when the time came, and she couldn't move at all.



I look down upon our hands, hers are weak and cold, reaching deep through the years, and held quietly in mine..

“Don't despair... Akio..”, she whispers warmly to me with all her strength, “we've been happy together...”

I choke with sorrow in my heart, while her soft sad gaze turns to her cane, set beside mine.

She smiles brightly to me, laughing happily as she asks, “Remember when I asked you... if you would love me? ...All the way? ...Until the bitter end?”

...I look to her and answer, with grief in my eyes hidden beneath a loving smile; “Always.”


Her time quietly fades, her shining smile she carries until her very last breath, as the light and wind come to guide her away.

I comb my fingers through the warm sunlight in her golden hair, crying with heartbreak upon her hands, “what a wonderful world...”

[Jailbreaker]

Needs to be longer and more detailed.

Emotions are hard to rouse when you communicate in broad strokes, with large or even less-small ideas instead of specifics. This is why KS itself is so emotional - you aren't just thrown into the most dramatic scenes right away; you're given time to build up memories with the characters. Here, Saki's death is relatively meaningless, because we've spent two or three minutes with her instead of six hours.

Also, mentioning Akio's name here is kinda pointless. He doesn't contribute to the story at all; he's totally replaceable. You could throw in Hisao, or Takashi, or the blind boy in the art club, and the story would be the same. It could even be told in the second person, with "you" as Saki's partner. On the other hand, if the story were expanded, and Akio did contribute in some way, it'd be worth mentioning his name, of course.

Finally, while the story did indeed conjure up a feel or maybe two, doing so using a character's death is a bit of a gut shot - not a very interesting feel.

On the plus side, I do see an Akio/Saki pairing as having potential to make an interesting story. If you were to expand on it a bit more, I'd totally give it another shot!

[LordDarknus]

Needs to be longer and more detailed.

Emotions are hard to rouse when you communicate in broad strokes, with large or even less-small ideas instead of specifics. This is why KS itself is so emotional - you aren't just thrown into the most dramatic scenes right away; you're given time to build up memories with the characters. Here, Saki's death is relatively meaningless, because we've spent two or three minutes with her instead of six hours.

Also, mentioning Akio's name here is kinda pointless. He doesn't contribute to the story at all; he's totally replaceable. You could throw in Hisao, or Takashi, or the blind boy in the art club, and the story would be the same. It could even be told in the second person, with "you" as Saki's partner. On the other hand, if the story were expanded, and Akio did contribute in some way, it'd be worth mentioning his name, of course.

Finally, while the story did indeed conjure up a feel or maybe two, doing so using a character's death is a bit of a gut shot - not a very interesting feel.

On the plus side, I do see an Akio/Saki pairing as having potential to make an interesting story. If you were to expand on it a bit more, I'd totally give it another shot!

Okay, I'm sorry.

It was kind of a sly/subtle thing about the canes and a nod to a certain she-pimp who vanquishes criminals, and also Valentine's Day, but I missed it, couldn't write something in time. So.. I thought.. "yeah, what the hell."

Anyway, yeah. This was crap. Condensed crap. With nothing but rapid-fire cliche of some other. So I've learned another way to fail at writing.

(And also, at the time it looked like someone else was also writing a Saki route thing, and I didn't want to draw attention away from him/her, and I myself had done Saki at least twice, so.. really, this came out from those thoughts of "trying to do something different", somehow)

Anyway, Thanks for your post, Jailbreaker. I appreciate it.