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[Hanako Nakai]

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[TacticalBacon]

the answer know is definitely yes

Do you mean "the answer now is definitely yes" or am i wrong?

Aaaanywho, pretty well written. That's all i could think of saying, really, since it's a fairly short fic.
Subscribed to the thread just in case you're planning to make a whole series out of this

[Hanako Nakai]

the answer know is definitely yes

Do you mean "the answer now is definitely yes" or am i wrong?

Aaaanywho, pretty well written. That's all i could think of saying, really, since it's a fairly short fic.
Subscribed to the thread just in case you're planning to make a whole series out of this

it's not yet complete.. i would try to add more later though and thanks for checking

[Numb]

I would like to say that this is my first fan fiction

with the help of Mr. and Mrs. Nakai, or should i say my "in-laws"

First off, I actually enjoyed this. The first fan fiction is always the hardest one, you constantly worry people won't like it and end up scrapping it and trying again. Either way, welcome to writing, it's pretty fun here!

Now, regarding the bold text, I get the feeling that Hanako is still very insecure, despite the bachelors degree in psychology. She isn't comfortable accepting Hisao's parents as her own, and I think this is a very good basis for a continuation. Hanako's issues with communication in the game obviously stem from her accident, and by this point in her life I would assume she has moved on (with Hisao's help of course). Having insecurities relating to parents now, at this stage in her development, could open up some great story arcs, and I hope to see something come out of this

[Hanako Nakai]

First off, I actually enjoyed this. The first fan fiction is always the hardest one, you constantly worry people won't like it and end up scrapping it and trying again. Either way, welcome to writing, it's pretty fun here!

Now, regarding the bold text, I get the feeling that Hanako is still very insecure, despite the bachelors degree in psychology. She isn't comfortable accepting Hisao's parents as her own, and I think this is a very good basis for a continuation. Hanako's issues with communication in the game obviously stem from her accident, and by this point in her life I would assume she has moved on (with Hisao's help of course). Having insecurities relating to parents now, at this stage in her development, could open up some great story arcs, and I hope to see something come out of this

Those "insecurities" you say will be used for later.. right now, i'm kind of adding more to the first part of the epilogue

[Harrison]

For a first fan fic, I think you did pretty well. If you're planning on continuing (which it sounds like you are), then I think it has potential to turn into a great story line. Also, I get the feeling that you're "telling" the story, rather than "showing" it. By "showing" your story (Better word choice, dialog, etc.) you can make the reader more immersed into the story. Lastly, don't rush your writing. I'm currently working on a story that I've been working on for months now, and I haven't even started writing it. Let your ideas sit in your head (or on paper), and think through whether or not they make sense before you put them on paper. If you need anyone to proof read it, pm me, I'd be happy to read it!

[Hanako Nakai]

For a first fan fic, I think you did pretty well. If you're planning on continuing (which it sounds like you are), then I think it has potential to turn into a great story line. Also, I get the feeling that you're "telling" the story, rather than "showing" it. By "showing" your story (Better word choice, dialog, etc.) you can make the reader more immersed into the story. Lastly, don't rush your writing. I'm currently working on a story that I've been working on for months now, and I haven't even started writing it. Let your ideas sit in your head (or on paper), and think through whether or not they make sense before you put them on paper. If you need anyone to proof read it, pm me, I'd be happy to read it!

Thanks, I will try to pm you once my mind relaxes a bit..
By the way, It's being told because it's only on Hanako's memory, the story is being planned so far, and this only makes it a prologue for this epilogue. Which is confusing

[Helbereth]

Okay, so... there's potential here. There are a LOT of technical flaws, though. So many that I'd probably have to make a post twice the length of the original to point them all out.

Since I lack the time, inclination, or fortitude to do that, I'll just go over some broader concepts you seem to have misunderstood.

The average story has two sentences--sometimes only one--to catch the reader's attention. Make them count. Don't start your story with an information dump, especially when you're about to have plenty of opportunities to inform your audience. Instead, jump to the proposal scene and skip the laborious retelling of Hanako's five years since Yamaku until it's actually worth mentioning. Don't worry that it'll shock your audience; that's the point. Once you play through all or part of the proposal sequence, you can then lace the back-story into the exposition. A good place would be after Hisao asks, but before Hanako replies; that way, it reads like she's trying to piece together why she's saying yes, rather than simply waiting for Hisao to finish talking.

Tenses. Past, present, future. Try sticking to one, especially within the same sentence. There were points when I couldn't tell whether this was a story being told as it happened, or being described sometime later--that kind of disorientation can really turn your audience against you.

Generally, inner monologues rarely comment on outer appearance. On occasion, it's fine, but on a daily basis Hanako is more likely to think about disarming nuclear missiles than her own burn scars. At the very least, she's very likely to use a euphemism for them, or simply refer to them indirectly. She might use the phrase "because of how I look" rather than "since I look awfully burned", which tells us it's because she thinks she's ugly, but doesn't do so in a way that would just be traumatic for the poor girl.

Two people never talk in the same paragraph. If Hanako says something in this paragraph like, "Hisao, y-you're such an argyle n-nerd!"

Then Hisao's response, "Chicks dig the swaggervest," needs to be separated, so sayeth the rules of English literary structure.

My guess is you're a rather young writer, which is an assessment I'm basing on the rigid structure of your sentences, and the lack of finesse in both your exposition and especially your dialogue. By 'young writer' I mean that you haven't been doing it for long, not necessarily that you're young yourself, so don't confuse the two. What you should probably do is a lot more reading, a lot more writing, and find someone with the ability and time to go over your work diligently.

If I can offer one more bit of advice, it would be to start small. Challenging yourself is fine, but attacking a dragon whilst armed with a herring cannot end well--the dragon will get a good laugh, but that's while he's digesting your burnt, mangled corpse. So, instead of locking yourself into writing something insurmountable, begin with a simpler story. Consider the background you established with this, then go back to some point--a seemingly insignificant event, even--over those past five years, and create a short based on a simple conflict.

Maybe it's late on a Friday, Hanako is locked in her room with a laptop and a case of Red Bull, trying to write an essay for her Abnormal Psychology class, while Hisao repeatedly attempts to coax her into abandoning her futile efforts and join him for a movie. It's a plausible situation involving a simple conflict--academic dedication versus movie night--that could go any number of ways, all depending on how you decide to write the characters. You should be able to work a couple thousand words at least out of a lead like that, or whatever other short-term conflict you can think of, and it'll be good practice to tell a complete tale that can be scrutinized by a wide(ish) audience.

Anyway, keep trying. Writing is more than throwing words at a page to see what sticks--not much more, but I digress...

[Hanako Nakai]

Great Wall of Text

Hmm.. Let's see, i'll try out your advice, and will try to make a new layout on this fic. thanks for the advice Helbereth-san

[Mirage_GSM]

I agree with most of what Helbereth said: this story definitely has potential, and you should get a proofreader.
It looks like you're planning for this to have four chapters, each about twice the length of wht you posted already? Ambitious for a first project, but not too much so.
About the tenses here is a particularly glaring example:

However, when it's near sunset, Hisao kneeled in front of me and took my hand and starts to open his mouth.

The story is mostly present tense, but in this sentence two of four verbs are past tense.
It get's a bit better towards the end of the chapter.

One more thing: keep track of secondary characters:

"I don't think I need to ask her, since I can see her smiling about it. I conclude that she has accepted your offer to marry you Hicchan."

This is the last thing we hear of Hisao's mom. Afterwards Hisao and Hanako talk for a bit, and then:

“Come on, we got to get back to the car. Mom and Dad have been waiting us for about 10 minutes now.”

According to the story, at least his mother is still standing next to them. She didn't go away.

[Harrison]

Maybe it's late on a Friday, Hanako is locked in her room with a laptop and a case of Red Bull, trying to write an essay for her Abnormal Psychology class, while Hisao repeatedly attempts to coax her into abandoning her futile efforts and join him for a movie. It's a plausible situation involving a simple conflict--academic dedication versus movie night--that could go any number of ways, all depending on how you decide to write the characters. You should be able to work a couple thousand words at least out of a lead like that, or whatever other short-term conflict you can think of, and it'll be good practice to tell a complete tale that can be scrutinized by a wide(ish) audience..

Has anyone created a story with that? It actually sounds like it would be an interesting story. Anyway, you probably didn't mean to Helbereth, but you actually helped me realize some things about writing....so thanks

[Hanako Nakai]

_

[Mirage_GSM]

Just a few fixes... And the continued advice for a proofreader.

I will happen to have it done somewhere else.."

If something "happens to"... well, happen, it is by definition something that happens by accident and that you cannot plan for. So for her to know that something will accidentally happen two months from now is a bit strange...
Also she is still talking about her vacation, so she will have to have her vacation done somewhere else?
Suggestion:
"I just happen to have a two-month vacation coming up after I graduate, and I will have to spend it somewhere else..."
or something in that vein.

So you need to wait for two months to see what your bride's going to look like."

This is all but telling him that she's going to have a cosmetic surgery...

I am prevented to those off even more...

???

If I diabetic I would surely die...

Two missing words...

[Hanako Nakai]

And again, thanks Mirage_GSM for proof reading my work again believe it or not, this story is actually already written inside my mind.. I just happen to struggle with words which I can express on my native language that sadly has no translations in english :/ therefore, whatever I'm actually doing now is rephrasing every sentence on my mind..

[TacticalBacon]

One of the best things i read all week! good job!