What Lies Beneath: Updated 5/15/12 Chapter 5 now up

[Mirage_GSM]

Well, it is pretty much foreshadowed in this chapter...
One (very) minor thing: In scientific texts you would usually find the causes for an illness or condition at the beginning of the paper instead of at the end, usually right below the symptoms. It doesn't make sense to structure a text from well-known knowlege towards more obscure...

[lolawesome]

Ah, the Unified Shoujo Theory

Excellent so far

[Andonymos]

Hey, it's looking great so far.
I just noticed a couple small errors that bugged my eye.

When quoting inside of a quote, you're supposed to use apostrophes. When Hisao is "talking" to Rin, for example, she should say, "I meant the other 'red,'" with an apostrophe, followed by quotations, at the end.

Also, it's best not to include dialogue from one character in the same line as action from another character.
There are a couple times in the "Shanghai" scene where Troy is doing something while Hisao is talking, and it's somewhat awkward to separate one person's words from another's movement.

Other than that, though, there isn't much to complain about. The story is coming along well, and I can't wait until you post the next part~

[txalolrn9]

I can't wait until you post the next part~

It's been like 4 and a half months since the last part, it's safe to assume this is DOA

[Mader Levap]

Hope dies last.