Hello everyone. So I decided to make a fan story about happenings after the game, more specifically after Lilly's bad ending. So the story is set five years after Lilly went away to ive with her family in Scotland. Lot is changed afterwards. World had been torn by bloody war. U.S.A. , U.K., France, Italy etc. on one side, Slovania, Japan, Siberia and China on other side ( the story is surreal, a product of my imagination).
So in this story I will be jumping between minds of two characters. Hisao Nakai and sergeant Nikolovski. Probably many of you won't like this story since it's more war than romance based, but I'm going to write it anyways.
I would like to get your response about the story, because it's my first ever fan work and that I will know if I should continue to write it. First part that I'm going to post here is around 2 Microsoft word pages long, just to see what response do I get and if it is worth to continue. I'm also non-native English speaker so there should be some errors in text.
Thank you for your response in advance!
The Tale of Love and War *SPOILERS*
The Tale of Love and War *SPOILERS*
Last edited by shalimar on Sun Jan 29, 2012 8:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: The Tale of Love and War *SPOILERS*
The of Tale Love and War
( Katawa Shoujo Fan work)
Japan- Tokio 20.5.2015:
Tokio, hmm, strange. I've been living in Tokio for 4 years now, going to school, working, paying rent… But I've never been here. I got the letter 2 days ago. Apparently my condition isn't bad enough to keep me out of military enroll. Standing in front of this military base, hearing gunshots from practice range inside and loud cars driving on the street… My mind slips back to the peaceful lanscape and clean air around Yamaku High School and to the most nice and beautiful blonde girl that I met. No! Stop thinking about her! She is in Scotland, hopefully safe and living nice life with her new husband, probably more serious and understendable than me. I sigh and quietly whisper ˝So this is it, no turning back…˝. I enter the Torii military base. When I enter the building there is nobody in the lobby, only me, 2 guards and a ˝receptionist˝. The last one is probably a private that isn't needed around the base or at The Front. I will be like him probably, since I have a condition. I give a quick thought if he has a condition and even if he was a student at Yamaku, but he interupts my thought and asks me ˝Sir, do you need anything?˝. I reply, that I'm here because of the letter and need to find my superior. He shows me map of the area and points with his finger where should I go. I thank him and give him quick bow, and quickly walk to office of my superior. I stand in front of superiors door a little more tired that I should be from a quick walk down the hallway. I read the letters on the door. Letters says that this is sergeant Nakazawa office. I give a quick loud knock. A voice on the other side commands ˝Come in!˝. I enter the office. Inside there is a collection of medals in some sort of ˝cupboard˝, a desk and behind the desk sits an middle age man, with light green beret and an Caesars army uniform. I give him a letter and say ˝Recruit Hisao Nakai reporting for duty SIR!˝. Oops I said the last word a little too loud and little to obvious. He smiles a little and responds ˝Well, glad to have you here Nakai and don't worry about your heart condition, we will put you in a special unit and they won't push you….too hard.˝. Great after spending years in a ˝special˝ high school now I'm going to spend years in ˝special˝ military unit. He also says ˝ You will also found your uniform in the barracks and a corporal there will tell you what you need to know˝. I respond with ˝Sir, yes, Sir and thank you Sir.˝. He laughs a little and I leave the office and go towards barracks. Well that went well. If I'm going to be that uptight all the time here I will do really poorly. I take a big breath and walk through the door into training grounds.
West Slovania, North Emerald river right bank, The Front 25.5.2015:
Cold, cold, cold, fucking cold… Wait, wait I must collect my thoughts. So what can I see from my foxhole, curled in ball. I look in the direction of Left bank of the River. Fires… around 40 of them… that means around 160 Americans… damn I envy them for sitting around the warm fire in this cold. But they can't see us, which puts us in advantage. But we still don't have the numbers to deal with them. Where the hell are those goddamn reinforcements. The Vodka drinkers and Japanese should be here by now. What should I tell my men. Wait I got it. I wave to my ˝co-scout˝ to go back to our unit main. We are running through the woods when suddenly I hear ˝HALT! Password, quick.˝ Pfhew….My unit…Damn I almost pressed the trigger…I'm really nervous right now. I say ˝Bear Blood˝ and hear a respond ˝Salamander brandy, Sir˝. ˝You really scared me there Lebanovski˝ I whisper. He responds ˝Sorry, sergeant Nikolovski, Sir, but you ordered us to watch out for enemies with password check.˝. I smile and look at Lebanovski. Young face, already scarred, under black helmet which is too big for his head. Well we are all too young here. I'm 17 years old. Well almost 18, but still, too young. I congratulate him ˝Good job. Now report to me, how are the men doing?˝. He responds ˝Good, some sleeping, some of them chatting and drinking, Sir.˝. I ask ˝No fires?˝. He quickly responds ˝No fires, Sir, like you commanded, Sir.˝. All three of us run to the other men, where we find them curled in their night black coats. Well honestly they were quite hard to find since now it's you know, night. Some of the men notice my officer hat and quickly salute with quite loud ˝SIR!˝. I quickly command them to salute quietly in the future. They were quick to apologize and one of the men ( I think his name is Marjan) asked me where are the reinforcments. I respond loudly so my men would hear me , but not loud enough that enemies would hear us, with ˝There are no reinforcments yet, we are alone here for now.˝ I hear sighs and some rambling about how should they stay home in front of warm fireplace. I have nothing to say to that, because I wish for the same myself. I curle in a ball in a hole of some sorts and give a quick prayer in which I ask for quick arrival of reinforcements and that nights would be warmer in the future. Before I gave up to my tiredness I take a small flask out of my upper coat pocket and drink some of the Bear Blood. Ofcourse it's not real bear blood, but only a alcoholic drink which keeps you warm enough to last you through day. Then I have a quick look around me in black moonless night. Cold, cold, cold, fucking cold…
( Katawa Shoujo Fan work)
Japan- Tokio 20.5.2015:
Tokio, hmm, strange. I've been living in Tokio for 4 years now, going to school, working, paying rent… But I've never been here. I got the letter 2 days ago. Apparently my condition isn't bad enough to keep me out of military enroll. Standing in front of this military base, hearing gunshots from practice range inside and loud cars driving on the street… My mind slips back to the peaceful lanscape and clean air around Yamaku High School and to the most nice and beautiful blonde girl that I met. No! Stop thinking about her! She is in Scotland, hopefully safe and living nice life with her new husband, probably more serious and understendable than me. I sigh and quietly whisper ˝So this is it, no turning back…˝. I enter the Torii military base. When I enter the building there is nobody in the lobby, only me, 2 guards and a ˝receptionist˝. The last one is probably a private that isn't needed around the base or at The Front. I will be like him probably, since I have a condition. I give a quick thought if he has a condition and even if he was a student at Yamaku, but he interupts my thought and asks me ˝Sir, do you need anything?˝. I reply, that I'm here because of the letter and need to find my superior. He shows me map of the area and points with his finger where should I go. I thank him and give him quick bow, and quickly walk to office of my superior. I stand in front of superiors door a little more tired that I should be from a quick walk down the hallway. I read the letters on the door. Letters says that this is sergeant Nakazawa office. I give a quick loud knock. A voice on the other side commands ˝Come in!˝. I enter the office. Inside there is a collection of medals in some sort of ˝cupboard˝, a desk and behind the desk sits an middle age man, with light green beret and an Caesars army uniform. I give him a letter and say ˝Recruit Hisao Nakai reporting for duty SIR!˝. Oops I said the last word a little too loud and little to obvious. He smiles a little and responds ˝Well, glad to have you here Nakai and don't worry about your heart condition, we will put you in a special unit and they won't push you….too hard.˝. Great after spending years in a ˝special˝ high school now I'm going to spend years in ˝special˝ military unit. He also says ˝ You will also found your uniform in the barracks and a corporal there will tell you what you need to know˝. I respond with ˝Sir, yes, Sir and thank you Sir.˝. He laughs a little and I leave the office and go towards barracks. Well that went well. If I'm going to be that uptight all the time here I will do really poorly. I take a big breath and walk through the door into training grounds.
West Slovania, North Emerald river right bank, The Front 25.5.2015:
Cold, cold, cold, fucking cold… Wait, wait I must collect my thoughts. So what can I see from my foxhole, curled in ball. I look in the direction of Left bank of the River. Fires… around 40 of them… that means around 160 Americans… damn I envy them for sitting around the warm fire in this cold. But they can't see us, which puts us in advantage. But we still don't have the numbers to deal with them. Where the hell are those goddamn reinforcements. The Vodka drinkers and Japanese should be here by now. What should I tell my men. Wait I got it. I wave to my ˝co-scout˝ to go back to our unit main. We are running through the woods when suddenly I hear ˝HALT! Password, quick.˝ Pfhew….My unit…Damn I almost pressed the trigger…I'm really nervous right now. I say ˝Bear Blood˝ and hear a respond ˝Salamander brandy, Sir˝. ˝You really scared me there Lebanovski˝ I whisper. He responds ˝Sorry, sergeant Nikolovski, Sir, but you ordered us to watch out for enemies with password check.˝. I smile and look at Lebanovski. Young face, already scarred, under black helmet which is too big for his head. Well we are all too young here. I'm 17 years old. Well almost 18, but still, too young. I congratulate him ˝Good job. Now report to me, how are the men doing?˝. He responds ˝Good, some sleeping, some of them chatting and drinking, Sir.˝. I ask ˝No fires?˝. He quickly responds ˝No fires, Sir, like you commanded, Sir.˝. All three of us run to the other men, where we find them curled in their night black coats. Well honestly they were quite hard to find since now it's you know, night. Some of the men notice my officer hat and quickly salute with quite loud ˝SIR!˝. I quickly command them to salute quietly in the future. They were quick to apologize and one of the men ( I think his name is Marjan) asked me where are the reinforcments. I respond loudly so my men would hear me , but not loud enough that enemies would hear us, with ˝There are no reinforcments yet, we are alone here for now.˝ I hear sighs and some rambling about how should they stay home in front of warm fireplace. I have nothing to say to that, because I wish for the same myself. I curle in a ball in a hole of some sorts and give a quick prayer in which I ask for quick arrival of reinforcements and that nights would be warmer in the future. Before I gave up to my tiredness I take a small flask out of my upper coat pocket and drink some of the Bear Blood. Ofcourse it's not real bear blood, but only a alcoholic drink which keeps you warm enough to last you through day. Then I have a quick look around me in black moonless night. Cold, cold, cold, fucking cold…
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Mirage_GSM
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Re: The Tale of Love and War *SPOILERS*
I don't mind stories taking the characters into other settings, as long as they are good stories.
That said, writing stuff for military settings is hard to do because most of us have fewer personal experiences with mitlitary situations than, say with romantic relationships.
Just for example (I'm not very knowledgeable about stuff like that either) I can't see an american military unit in the 21st century camping out with camp fires... That's what electricity is for.
Anyway, like you expected, your story is quite heavy on grammar mistakes. You could ask around for proofreaders, preferably those who also have a bit of military experience who can also set you straight on some of the more serious blunders in that respect.
That said, writing stuff for military settings is hard to do because most of us have fewer personal experiences with mitlitary situations than, say with romantic relationships.
Just for example (I'm not very knowledgeable about stuff like that either) I can't see an american military unit in the 21st century camping out with camp fires... That's what electricity is for.
Anyway, like you expected, your story is quite heavy on grammar mistakes. You could ask around for proofreaders, preferably those who also have a bit of military experience who can also set you straight on some of the more serious blunders in that respect.
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Re: The Tale of Love and War *SPOILERS*
Thank you very much for reply. Yeah about campfires, well probably I should write down that the circumstances where they couldn't use electricity, the guns that I will mention, if I continue this story, will also be more or less rifles with bayonets and ak-74, but maybe I will throw in some of imaginary guns if I come to think of any. Well after all, I already said that this is surreal story, so yeah. Well I'll try my best with everything military.Mirage_GSM wrote:I don't mind stories taking the characters into other settings, as long as they are good stories.
That said, writing stuff for military settings is hard to do because most of us have fewer personal experiences with mitlitary situations than, say with romantic relationships.
Just for example (I'm not very knowledgeable about stuff like that either) I can't see an american military unit in the 21st century camping out with camp fires... That's what electricity is for.
Anyway, like you expected, your story is quite heavy on grammar mistakes. You could ask around for proofreaders, preferably those who also have a bit of military experience who can also set you straight on some of the more serious blunders in that respect.
Proofreaders, got that I'll try to find some.
Anyway thank you again for your reply. I'll try to continue it this week.