Inkyukasu - A KS Supernatural/Horror Fic

[Bricktycoon]

Cold Open

"That's my thank you, Hisao."

"Thank you...?"

"For your present. Have a nice day in school."

With that, Lilly Satou went back into her room, closing the door behind her. Her heart was racing a little; she really had just kissed his cheek. Not necessarily the plan, but the music box had moved her more than he could know. Maybe he will know soon enough.

Hanako coughed lightly, bringing Lilly out of her thoughts. "Hanako?" Lilly sung sweetly, knowing her friend was a good deal more hungover than herself, "Do you need anything?"

"I...don't...head...hurts."

Lilly had a headache as well. Nothing ear-splitting, but present enough to be an irritation. "I'm going downstairs to get some ice out of the common room fridge. You just go on back to sleep."

The soft, labored breathing from the other side of the room confirmed that Hanako had taken the advice before even receiving it. Lilly sighed, and smiled. She grabbed her cane and exited the room once again.

There was no one around downstairs just yet. It must be earlier than I thought. Hisao was long gone, likely run off to the boys' dorms to freshen up for class. Lilly hoped he was alright; he had seemed better off than herself based on their earlier conversation, but the alcohol could have affected his heart in a bad way. What if he forgot to take his medication? Lilly swallowed nervously as she grabbed a bag of ice from the fridge, wishing she had a way to remind him. She knew she wasn't about to run out of the girls' dorm in her pajamas.

He's gotten along fine up to this point, she told herself.

She returned upstairs with the ice bag, slowly and carefully. Her head was not feeling any better. She would share the ice with Hanako, knowing full well her friend probably felt a lot worse. Hanako's situation was worrisome. Lilly's own class was made up of blind students, so she figured she could probably avoid giving them any signals about her hangover. But 3-3...that was a different story. The Student Council president would not fail to notice Hanako acting strange. Lilly briefly considered just telling Hanako to skip, since she got away with it all the time. But as she passed Hanako's room, about to reach her own, there was an unusual sound.

Lilly furrowed her brow in confusion as she focused her hearing.

Snoring, coming from within Hanako's room. Had she woken back up, gone back to her own room, and fallen asleep again? A horrifying thought crossed Lilly's mind: that the person sleeping in there was not Hanako.

She quickly pushed her ear up to the door, the polished wood cool against her skin. No, that was definitely Hanako's snoring. Lilly had grown to know exactly what that sounded like.

Lilly turned away, her headache still pervading her thoughts. She would get back in her own room, and then use the ice to dull the pain.

Lilly almost ran into her own door, saved by her cane tapping the wood first. She jumped back, startled. Hanako had apparently closed the door as she left...and locked it, as Lilly quickly confirmed. Lilly rubbed her temples, frustrated. She had not taken her key down with her, and now she would have to wake Hanako to get her spare one. At least now they could have a chance at sharing the icepack, at least.

Lilly stepped on something small and hard with her bare feet, laying in the middle of the floor. It hadn't hurt, but it was still startling nonetheless. Lilly bent down to pick up...the key. She sighed. Remind me to stop you from ever getting drunk again, Hanako, so I don't have to deal with this at a later date.

Something was wrong.

Lilly froze stiff, standing in the middle of the hallway.

Her ears twitched, and she sniffed. Something was...off, somehow.

Hanako had stopped snoring.

Normally, Lilly Satou would have just assumed her friend had simply woken up, but such a logical explanation failed her at this moment. Something was unnerving her, down to the very bone.

The air felt...sour.

Her heart pounding, Lilly turned and unlocked the door to her room. She didn't know why, but she felt an insatiable urge to escape the hallway. Once inside, she slammed the door shut behind her, breathing through her mouth against her will. It was like the area was running low on oxygen.

She quickly put the icepack up against her head, sighing in relief. What is this hangover doing to me?

Then a VERY bad realization hit her, and her blood ran colder than the bag pressed against her temple.

Lilly Satou was not alone in her room.

She set the ice bag down on the desk.

Her heart was racing out of control. She was unsure of what the tip-off had been...a change in the air pressure, an unfamiliar odor, a faint sound...but there was no question about it. They might have been in any corner of the room...maybe they were moving around silently, so she would be unable to touch them.

"Someone's here," she called, her voice cracking and turning to a squeak at the end. "I know it."

No response.

Lilly took a deep breath, trying to keep her heart rate under control. "If you want something, I will give it to you," she called again. "Then you leave, or I will scream."

Thirty more seconds passed, and still no response.

Suddenly, there was a creak in the floorboards, as the other individual in the room took a step. Lilly's heart was ready to burst out of her chest. They were to the right. They were to the right.

Lilly's grip on her cane tightened, her hands trembling. She couldn't move. Well, she COULD...she was shaking all over. But she couldn't walk forward. She was rooted to the spot.

"Oh, you silly girl," said a voice. "If you screamed, they wouldn't hear you. They are much further away from you now than just a few walls."

All of Lilly's neurons fired at once from the break in tension. Her head darted to the direction of the voice, and she raised her cane to strike.

The voice laughed. "Hehehehe..." It was a male voice, oddly inflected, with a slight drawl. And it was deep and hushed, like a whisper.

Lilly's entire body shook, and she grimaced, dropping her cane. It made no sound as it hit the floor. Tears welled up in her dead eyes.

There was another creak in the floorboards, he stepped towards her. Then another. Then another. Then, when the voice spoke again, it was right up inside her ear.

"You feel lonely, don't you, child?"

It was like he was looming up over her, on all sides. His whispering was suffocating her.

"That's alright. I get lonely sometimes, too, where I'm from. Why don't we keep each other company?"

"N...n-n-n...n-n-no..." She could barely string together a single word.

"No? Hmm...are you sure? You know I see through you, Lilly. You get lonelier and lonelier every day. I know your little game. You smother your friend with attention to protect her, and you're on your way to doing the same with...him. Not because you actually care about them, but because you're afraid. You're afraid that if you don't make yourself indispensable, they will leave you for better people. I know your little game, Lilly, but the jig is up."

Lilly's face scrunched up, her entire person overcome with fear. She opened her mouth, but the scream was taken from her, like a vacuum was sucking the wind from her throat.

"Let's not do that just yet. You're leaving for Scotland soon, aren't you? To reunite with people you haven't seen for six years...let's be honest, they aren't really your family. And your friends will be thousands of miles away...you will be lonelier than ever. You're smart, Lilly. You know what your parents plan to ask of you. When the time comes, you'll LEAVE forever...and ABANDON the people you try to protect so badly."

A rush of anger and adrenaline surged into Lilly's system. Suddenly, she leaned down and picked her cane up, swinging it round to connect a blow with a desperate yelp.

But the impact was soft. Much, much too soft.

Lilly gasped as her cane went into something, something thick and gooey. Whatever it was was crawling, crawling up the length of the cane towards her. Lilly dropped the cane again, jerking her hands away.

"Hehehehehe..."

The realization hit her like a freight train. "You're not...a human..."

Sharp, gnarled claws grabbed her by the throat without warning, sending her tumbling backwards. Lilly landed on the floor hard as the wind was taken out of her.

She hacked and coughed, but her breath was failing her. The claws tightened their iron grip, and she tried to lift her hands to struggle, but touched nothing. The sharp points dug into her neck and drew blood, sharp pain piercing her entire body. She felt herself losing consciousness.

"You've been a naughty girl, Lilly Satou," came a low, snarling growl, centimeters from her face. "And naughty girls deserve punishment."

[Oddball]

It's an interesting start, but it could use some work.

You start a lot of your sentences with Lilly's name. You may want to mix that up a bit to prevent it from becoming repetitive.

The little demon-guy also seemed a bit too on the nose with his criticisms of Lilly. Even if he's going to be direct, that feels like he's playing all his cards too quickly.


Considering Lilly is the main character here, you may also want to pay more attention to her other senses to give you a better feel for what's going on around her.

[Mirage_GSM]

I'm generally not a fan of horror stories, so keep in mind that that might influence my opinion of this story in the future, but so far you've done a decent job - barring what Oddball said.
It's an interesting take to tell a horror story from the perspective of a blind person...