Re: Can You Remember Me? An Amnesiac Story
Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2015 8:15 pm
by bubeez
Can You Remember Me? Chapter 8
Hisao and I close in on the festival, joining a slow but steady stream of Yamaku students on a small paved path leading towards the center of Yamaku. Other than us, I see clumps of friends here and there, a few lone stragglers mixed in. As usual, everyone is a new face to me. I’m used to the feeling, though- even in a small school, strangers are all around. I bet I would do just fine in a big city environment. Although, the city lights would be a problem.
That thought reactivates another lost memory, one I feel desperate to find. I’m no longer really in the moment, walking to the festival with Hisao. As much as I’d like to stay, a lost memory coming back is enough of a reason to space out. Thankfully, Hisao is an unusually quiet guy…
I think deeply about city lights, and how it relates to a very important decision I had made once… picking Yamaku academy to be my school.
I was still in the hospital, actually. It was in my better years of being there, though. The recovery ward was much better than the critical treatment center- the beeps and flashes of the machinery would make me panic. The IV drip in my arm was what I feared the most- it looked so unnatural, so inhuman.
The recovery ward would come later- I allow my mind to push a little further into the fog usually surrounding it, and reminisce about the critical treatment center.
Every once in a while, a flash of a white lab coat or a nurse uniform would flutter by the curtains surrounding me. It was more entertaining than the television they had set up for me- I actually liked to count the number of people I would see through that little curtain. I’d organize by color, by frequency, by anything to drown out the consistent beeps of the metallic objects surrounding me. I guess I still do that to this day, but it has become much less about being a distraction and more about acting out of habit.
For the first week or so, I swore I had a different doctor every day. I began to notice a process about it. I would be waiting in my bed, tired as always. Sleep was just as draining as being awake. I would count a white lab coat, and add it’s statistic to my little game- that’s the fourth white lab coat today, but the first one with brown shoes. I make a mental tally on a meaningless scoreboard.
This one would be different, though. He would come into the room, clipboard in hand. Tired smile, but sincere. He would survey the room slightly, then fix his focus on me. I would wait for him to approach me, since I could not.
“Seiki. How are you today?” He would take his seat in a small stool by my bed, between me and the one window in my room. I can’t remember his face.
“Hi…” I would say nervously to the man I’ve never seen before. I looked into his eyes only briefly. I was even shyer as a child than I am now.
He would take a deep breath, as if he was tired of hearing it. I didn’t like that very much. This was the first time we met, and he already seemed frustrated with me.
He pushes up on his glasses. A small check on the equipment attached to me, a stethoscope to test my breathing, and a plethora of small physical tests would come next.
When all was finished, he would exit the room. But it was never the same doctor that came back the next day.
My mind was stuck in such a stagnant state that even a monotonous, dry process would cling to my mind for the remainder of the day- that’s how I noticed the general trend of these doctors’ actions.
I never told anyone, though. These new doctors weren’t really bothering me anyway.
One day, the monotonous process was broken. It was the same doctor as the day before, and this had never happened before. It was always a new one. White lab coat. Brown shoes. Glasses. Yes, it was the same as the one yesterday. He goes on with the usual process after sitting down.
“Hello, Seiki. Are you well today?” He gives the slightest of smiles.
“Hi…” I say, already sitting up to get ready for the tests I know he is going to give. He seems a little startled by this, but continues with his small check-up. I’m curious as to why it’s not a new doctor today. “Ummm….”
The doctor seems taken aback by my vocalization. Then again, I had never said anything past “hello” to the other doctors before. Maybe they like to talk about me or something.
He straightens his glasses. “Yes?” He sits back on the stool, the tests concluded. He does not get up to leave, however.
“…You’re the same doctor as yesterday, right?” I ask, my childish curiosity getting the better of me.
If he is disturbed by my question, he doesn’t make it obvious. He seems interested. “Well, yes, I am. Why do you ask?”
I look down into my blankets, not into his eyes. “Well… it’s been a different doctor every day… except for today… you were here yesterday, too…”
He’s shocked now, visibly looking through his clipboard feverishly. He checks his notes, but doesn’t seem to find what he wants. He gets up, calling for a nurse through the curtain. He looks back at me, my childish curiosity growing more and more intrigued.
He speaks to me, obviously distraught. “I’ve been your doctor every day, Seiki.”
I recall nothing immediately past that experience. I can jump forward now to the recovery ward. My time in emergency care was hardly a memory at that point- now, I had been in the recovery ward for at least two years.
You could call the recovery ward my entire middle school experience. If I was my own teacher, the textbooks were required reading, and the tests were from very elite schools around the hospital. I passed every single one with flying colors. I could say my tutoring skills and grades stem from that time in the recovery ward.
I remember why I worked so hard, too- I was given a promise. From who, I can’t recall anymore. Not that it really matters- I only wanted to remember the promise, because it meant so much to me.
If I kept up with my studies independently, I would be allowed to enter a few selected high schools that could suit my needs.
The promise of high school kept me on top of all of my academics. It was what I cared about the most- not that I had much to care about at the time. I had not seen anything past what I could see from the hospital windows. From one end of the horizon to the other, that was my world. And I dared to dream of seeing a different horizon one day.
Another flash forward to the very end of my hospital stay. Three years now. It was the day I received all of my test scores- it was wrapped tightly in one, bulky envelope. Every single school gave me acceptance, probably for my high test scores and partly for my strange circumstances.
“Now, Seiki…” the doctor in charge of my care asked, across from me and my envelope. This was not the same doctor I had when I first came here. I had an easier time remembering my new doctor, though. My memory seemed to improve the farther I got from my incident. “We usually have guardians decide school admissions, especially regarding what school can best suit your needs...”
“Yes?” I felt slightly disappointed. It seemed as if he wanted to put another roadblock between me and being normal. I almost felt my heart sink.
“... Your special circumstances allow me to choose the school you attend. I think a school nearer to our care center would be suitable.” He grabs the envelope from my side of the table, flipping through each acceptance.
I no longer felt the need to argue. It seemed my last hope was fading away. I look down wearily. I was so tired of it all.
He coughs slightly. “But… seeing as this hospital made a promise to you some time ago, I feel the need to carry it out. While I would recommend a closer school, it is completely up to you.”
I jump up happily, spewing “thank you’s” and you won’t regret this” as I grab my envelope. I clutch it close to myself.
He leaves me to my decision, putting his hand on my shoulder. “Congratulations, Seiki. You deserve it.”
Many of the schools that were chosen for me were in large cities. I’m guessing whoever made this list for me assumed that a teenager would enjoy the city life more than a rural life.
Yamaku Academy was as far away from the others as possible. It was definitely not in a city- in fact, it seemed very secluded. Calmer than most places. Dreamlike.
After a few days of weighing out my options, nothing seemed like a better fit for me than Yamaku Academy.
I would probably do well in the city. But I would despise every second of it.
Nothing makes me lonelier than seeing a black sky. A sky with no stars. Lifeless, like a tapestry was pulled over what I really wanted to see. The city lights would definitely be a problem.
Funny thing, those stars are all that remind me of my life before the hospital. I used to stare up at them, all the time. No one would really be able to tell just by
looking at me, but I hate being lonely. The hospital was lonely. Yamaku felt very lonely, at first. Nothing was lonelier than my childhood, though.
I hear a voice call me back through my trip down memory lane. “Seiki? Are you alright?”
A pair of eyes are level with mine, standing directly in front of me. Hisao is staring me directly in the face. He has to bend over slightly to meet my eyes, since he’s a little taller than most.
I blink a few times to regain true consciousness. “…whaa?” I say perplexingly.
He twists his head a few degrees to show his growing confusion. “You stopped walking. Something on your mind?”
Ahh. I was too deep into my memories. I’m back in the real world now, no longer swimming in my memories. I tend to get lost when I suddenly remember something
I never realized was gone. I get a worried feeling when memories come back. What if I never remember this particular moment again, and its lost forever?
Hisao has a worried look on his face. A little scrunched up, a slight pout. He’s really concerned, isn’t he?
I straighten up, no longer dreaming. “It’s nothing. Let’s have some fun today, okay?” I smile sincerely. He looks back at me and relaxes his face, satisfied. Something about him makes me want to live in the moment, to stop constantly reminiscing. I guess I shouldn’t keep him waiting, either. And I wouldn’t want him to worry.
The memories can wait.
Our short walk feels very long, but at last we make it to the heart of the festival. It’s in full gear now, with people from the nearby city also attending. I’ve never seen regular people visit Yamaku, except for this time. The festival must be really grand.
Hisao stops and takes a deep breath, taking in the environment. “Smells good.”
Standing next to him, I also give the air a taste. A combination of fried food and sweets fills the air, coming from the food stalls nearby. It smells absolutely delicious, making me hungry just from the smell. It occurs to me that I haven’t had anything to eat today. “Smells so unhealthy, but so delicious.”
Hisao puts his hands in his pockets, surveying the stalls around us. “As long as there’s coffee around here, I’m good.”
I mumble an agreement to that sentiment, and we set off to look for our destined beverage. Walking past a few stalls, I see a surprisingly wide arrangement of foods available. They are mostly what you’d expect at a festival- what’s surprising is the fact that Yamaku can pull this off. Maybe I should have a little more respect for the Student Council. I mean, they do have to put this thing together every year. Not that I’ve gone to any of them until now.
There’s even some musical performance going on. I can’t tell where exactly the music is coming from, but the melody is emanating through the rows of stalls. The crowds seem to have gotten thicker as well. While the school festival is definitely calmer than most, it has certainly livened up Yamaku.
I look towards Hisao, who’s walking beside me. “Yamaku really feels alive now, doesn’t it?”
“Hmm…” Hisao says, still moving rather slowly to stay in pace with me. “Yeah, you’re right. This is definitely not the sleepy place it usually is.”
“I’m impressed that Yamaku can still surprise me after all this time.” I say, remembering the monotony of the regular school year.
Hisao nods silently in agreement. “Oh, yeah. You’ve been here a while, haven’t you?”
I look forward again and click my tongue. “Yup, my whole high school experience has been right here.”
“Wow, you must really know the ins and outs of this place then. And here I thought you were lost that day we met at the Shanghai. I guess you practically walked ME back to Yamaku that day.” Hisao looks into the clouds ahead.
I laugh, a little girlier than I thought it would sound. “Ha, I guess you owe me for that one too, then.” I don’t know how long I can keep up this little cat-and-mouse, especially since it relies on me not telling him about the most important thing about me.
Before Hisao can answer, we spot a stall just across from us. Hisao and I drop the conversation, heading towards the stall. It looks just like a café, with beautifully ornate designs painted on the front of the stall. It seems almost professional, from the wonderful smells to the barista waiting to take our order. With one hand.
“Miki?” I end up screaming in bewilderment. I had no idea she was working the festival today.
Miki smiles when she spots me, putting her good hand up in hello. “Seiki! Hey!”
I approach the window with Hisao. He looks at me questionably. “Do you know her?”
I give him a nod. “Miki, this is Hisao. Hisao, this is my friend Miki.” I notice that as soon as Hisao and I walked up together, Miki seemed to have lightened up a lot more.
Miki grins at Hisao. “Hey there. Make sure you take care of her, or else there’s going to be hell to pay.” Her threat is followed up by a laugh and wink, as if to keep the seriousness of her sentence a mystery to Hisao.
Hisao seems confused and ends up saying nothing, defusing his nervousness with a laugh. I look at Miki, staring daggers at her. “You shouldn’t threaten people you’ve just met!”
She waves my comment away. I decide to change the subject. “Anyway, what’s all this?”
Miki pats the wooden stall in front of her with her hand, keeping her missing one behind the stall where I can’t see it. Or maybe so Hisao can’t see it. “A friend from track needed help with her classroom stall, so she asked me for help. And here I am!”
“Well then, I guess I’ll have-“
“Wait!” Miki interrupts me before I can order. She takes a look behind me, where Hisao has been standing while we were talking. She raises an eyebrow. “Would a gentleman really allow a lady to pay?”
“O-oh yeah!” Hisao’s eyes light up at Miki’s suggestion. He quickly fumbles with his wallet.
I puff my cheeks at Miki. “Don’t push his buttons like that! I’m perfectly capable of buying myself a drink!”
Miki gives me a wink this time. “It’s not about whether or not YOU can buy a drink, Seiki. It’s about whether or not Hisao wants to buy you a drink!”
I am prepared to be defiant. “That really shouldn’t-“
Before I can argue back, Hisao puts his hand up next to me. I stop talking, and he looks at Miki. “I would love to buy Seiki a coffee. Two, please.” He smiles politely.
….
That was pretty cool of him. I decide to let him have his moment. After all, he did live up to the challenge.
Miki seems just as satisfied as I am, a smile-of-approval hinting on her face. “Great job, Hisao! You pass!”
Our order goes in and comes out in an instant. Business must be slow right now, contributing to Miki’s earlier boredom. I notice that our order isn’t exact when Miki brings it up to the counter. She motions to us to come to the window. “Since you were both such good sports, I threw in something a little extra for you two!” She produces two donuts in front of us- warm and freshly made.
I take them from her while Hisao takes the coffee. We decide to get a little scenic with our lunch- there’s a small cliff nearby with a great view of the town below- you can even dangle your feet over the edge, if you’re brave. Thankfully, it’s just a short walk from the festival; the walk is even shorter than the walk we took from our meeting place earlier.
We make it to the cliff, the sun still shining strongly. It seems like there’s no end to the sunshine today- not a single cloud is in the sky ready to break the constant sunlight.
Hisao and I reach the spot, coffee and donuts waiting to be indulged. Hisao is content with sitting cross-legged by the edge of the cliff, but in spirit of today being a victory, I dare to dangle my legs over the little cliff. The view is as spectacular as promised- the land seems to stretch out for miles on end from here. The single road from the school into the town is visible, and seems much steeper than it does when actually walking down it.
Hisao hands me my coffee, perfectly cooled from the short walk. There are a few trees here and there, but the area before the cliff is mostly flat grass. It’s the wilder side of Yamaku- the grass unkempt and lack of buildings in sight make the cliff a well-known place for relaxing. No one else is here- they must still be enjoying the festival.
We take our coffee at our own pace- he certainly doesn’t savor his coffee as much as I do. After just a few minutes, he’s already emptied his cup. We still haven’t said a word since we’ve sat down. Actually, we haven’t said much at all. Is that really normal?
Looking out onto the town, I feel the most at peace than I ever have. My gaze moves from the view to the side of Hisao’s face, who’s staring intently at the sky ahead of us. “We don’t like to talk all that much, do we?”
Hisao turns to me, just noticing that I’m looking at him. I avert my gaze to the sky again. He does the same, staring into the distance as we talk. “Hmm. I guess we don’t.” He takes a small pause to brush his hair away from his eyes. His hair is messier than usual. “Should we?”
I think for a moment about an answer. Is it really that bad? I’ve never had a bad moment with Hisao. Even our silences don’t feel very awkward. “Well… I don’t hate it. There’s something familiar about you. I feel like talking to you is a lot like talking to myself.”
Hisao raises an eyebrow as I take a small sip of coffee. I’m still kicking my legs over the cliff as Hisao talks. “I think I understand. What made up your mind about that, though?”
I look at Hisao, thinking hard about his question. When did I start to think that? I look at the small details on Hisao’s face. His moppy yet strangely tidy hair. He makes it work well. The school uniform, still new. The fold lines can still be seen on them, if you look hard enough. His smile that could speak an entire conversation. He’s a very simple person- he smiles when he’s happy, and frowns when he’s not.
But none of those are the answer why. It’s his eyes. The eyes that I met the day he transferred into Yamaku- the tired, lost eyes that look a lot like mine. I blink a few times. Each time I open my eyes again, his eyes tell me the same story they always have- he’s hiding something of deep importance to him. But his eyes betray him. You can’t hide what they want to tell. Tired and constantly searching and never reaching what needs to be found... I understand those eyes better than anyone. And no
amount of talking can change my assurance of that.
I smile and close my eyes. “It’s your eyes, Hisao.” I keep it short and simple, while still being technically the right answer.
He seems perplexed by the answer. Eventually, he gets up from his sitting position and joins me by the end of the cliff. He dangles his feet off the edge as well, letting the wind lightly lull them. “Windows to the soul, huh?”
I take another sip of coffee. “Something like that. I can’t quite put my finger on it.”
Hisao opens the bag that Miki gave us. The two donuts stare right back at us, but Hisao shows no sign of taking them.
“Shall we?” I ask Hisao. I really want that donut, especially while it’s still fresh. Nothing beats fresh donuts.
Hisao snaps back to reality, no longer staring at his food. “Oh, yeah. Here you go.”
He hands me one, and I take small nibbles at a time. Unlike Hisao, I saved my coffee for this opportune moment- the combination of donut and coffee
is not to be underestimated.
I happily eat through half of mine, but I notice that Hisao is still staring down at his. He seems to be stuck in an inner struggle with this delicious treat.
I poke Hisao in the shoulder, donut still in hand. “What is it? Fear of donuts?”
Hisao never breaks eye contact with the food in question. “They aren’t exactly my recommended diet, especially since the Nurse…” Hisao trails off like he said something he shouldn’t have. He retraces his mental steps and finishes his thought. “…but I would sell my soul to eat this right now.”
Recommended diet? Nurse? What could that mean, I wonder? Maybe he has stomach problems, or something to that extent. Is that really grounds to be at Yamaku, though?
By the way he changed his sentence, I guess he doesn’t want to talk about it. Which is just fine with me. I guess I have to do something for him, or he’ll go insane.
“Gimme that.” I snatch the donut from Hisao’s hand, who finally averts his eyes.
“H-Hey!” Hisao says, in an unfair tone. I can sense a little bit of relief and exasperation, as well.
I quickly begin nibbling on the second donut, preventing the worst from happening. “This hurts you more than it hurts me, Hisao.”
With that bit of wordplay, Hisao calms down and lets me finish eating. His anxiety is gone, and my stomach is full. “Thanks, Seiki. You’re a real lifesaver.” He puts his hand on the back of his head, ruffling his hair up. I wonder what that feels like.
I toss the last bit of donut in my mouth, wiping the crumbs off my hands with my skirt. “You’re quite welcome.” I say, sounding an awful lot like Lilly at this point.
Hisao and I spend a few more minutes taking in the view. I can’t help but be surprised at the peacefulness of the world. After being thrown into chaos these past few weeks, all because a new student had to come in, I forgot the appeal of a slow, winding day.
We get up from the cliff, satisfied with the fresh air and relaxation. On our way back to the festival, I notice a tree close to the cliff line. It has a swing on one of its branches.
Hisao notices the swing as well. He takes a few steps forward, and stops to face me. I don’t know if I really want to go. I mean, isn’t that a little childish?
Hisao looks at me. “We said we were going to have fun today, right?” Hisao has seemingly read my mind. Maybe it’s in my eyes, too. I move forward to join him.
The swing is definitely an old one, made of wood and held up by a sturdy rope. It’s charming, though. The old wood is surprisingly smooth, and the swing is just close enough to the cliff to enjoy the view, without a real sense of danger. The tree provides a cool shade as well.
Hisao grabs onto one of the ropes holding up the plank of wood; he checks the sturdiness of the swing, giving it a small yank. The tree branch holds steady, completely unmoved. “Well, ladies first, right?”
I decide to humor Hisao, not that I really believe in “ladies first.” I sit down on the swing, facing the cliff and away from the school. It has a very picturesque feeling. Hisao positions himself behind the swing, and gives my back a light push. His hands are warm. The little momentum I’ve gained is immediately lost, and Hisao gets ready to push me again.
I find myself smiling. “You know what? This is really, really fun.” I begin to kick my legs to the rhythm of the swing. First kick forward, then pull them back.
Hisao is still standing, he hasn’t pushed me hard enough to need to move away yet. “Yeah? I think this is pretty nice.” He pushes me a little further now, and my legs go further with the rhythm. I feel like I’m soaring, and could fly off the cliff and let the wind carry me. Not in a scared way, though. I feel as free as a bird. Hisao is still
pushing me each time I reach the bottom, moving backwards out of the way until he can push me again.
Hisao is straining himself to push me now, and I’m nearly to the top of the swing’s reach. I don’t want to let this flying feeling go, so I take a few more swings. Hisao doesn’t push me when I reach the bottom, though. I must have too much momentum.
“Okay, Hisao. I think it’s your-“ I turn around, looking back towards Hisao and the school. I don’t see him standing there. He’s lying on the ground, crumpled and clutching his chest. “Hisao?! Are you okay?!”
I hop off the swing, my momentum slow enough that I hardly feel the impact. I rush over to Hisao, still on the grass. “Hisao! What’s wrong?”
My panicked pleas are having no real effect, as Hisao’s face is crumpled up in pain. I don’t know what to do, and I’m starting to panic myself-
Hisao, still on the ground, clutches my arm with his. His other hand is still grabbing onto his chest. “It’s okay, Seiki… It really is.” He’s struggling to catch his breath, barely able to keep it in pace. He seems to be recovering.
After a few more moments of panicking, I prop Hisao against the tree where the swing is. He’s sweating, and the pained look on his face is still there. “I’ll… I’ll get help!”
I look back at the school. Maybe I could find the Nurse, or maybe Suzu could help, or I could find Miki at her stall again or- Hisao grabs my hand as I try to turn and head towards the school. “Seiki, its fine. Really.” He locks our fingers together, barring me from moving anywhere.
I wipe the small amount of moisture from my eyes. I wouldn’t say I cried… Just panicked. I calm myself down and squeeze Hisao’s hand back.
I look back at Hisao. He’s smiling through his pained face. His eyes meet mine, trying to assure me. “Seiki… I guess I should let you know…”
I crouch down in front of Hisao. His voice is weak, but gaining strength. His composure seems to be returning. “What is it, Hisao?” I’m listening intently.
“It’s about the reason I’m at Yamaku…” He takes a quick, sharp breath. “I have-“
“HICCHAN!!” Before he can finish, a shrill voice coming from the school booms toward us. The disappearing sense of panic is now coming back in full force. I face the location of the voice.
I notice two girls running towards us, one with pink hair and one with blue hair. I don’t recall the pink haired one, but I remember that Hisao called the quiet one Shizune. She has a look of intense anger on her face.
The two reach us, and immediately bend down to check on Hisao. I’ve been pushed back as the two clamor over Hisao.
The pink-haired girl is the only one talking. “Are you okay?! Hicchan! Do you need the Nurse?”
Hisao attempts to respond. “No, I…”
“Shicchan! Let’s get going!” Before Hisao can protest, each girl has given him a shoulder to lean on. They begin to walk towards the school, leaving me by the swing.
I try to call out to Hisao. “Wait-“
I can hear Hisao speaking, but it’s too weak to make out. I try to follow them, moving forward as they do.
Shizune turns around, looking over Hisao’s arm. She gives me a look of cold death, seemingly shouting the words “this is your fault.”
I stop in my tracks. I’m too afraid of her to help. All I can do is watch them carry Hisao away, for the second time.
