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Re: A Painful Past (OC) On hold until 3/9/13

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 10:34 pm
by LorSquirrel
Zykes wrote:I've been through this thread quite a few times recently, and aside from issues already brought up.

I think that you really need to plan this out a bit more before releasing it.

I will say that I am in no way qualified to make any critical notes about this, but when starting up, make sure to have the main OC already plotted out, from his condition, past, personality and so on.

Developing an OC on the fly can be a bit dangerous in that if you say "A" about him in the first few chapters, you're stuck with "A" when you want to bring up "B", "C" and so on.

have i done something like that?

Re: A Painful Past (OC) SC 3 update (3/3/13)

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 10:40 pm
by griffon8
LorSquirrel wrote:
Mirage_GSM wrote:
it collides with me with what I image is the force of a run away freight train
Statistically, Emi tackles 90% of all new students within two days of their arrival.
...
Subverted for once^^°
second:.... what?
You used the word 'image' when you meant 'imagine'. And 'runaway' should be one word here. At least, I think that's why Mirage quoted it. The change from getting run into by Emi to Ikuno is what Mirage means by the subversion.

Re: A Painful Past (OC) On hold until 3/9/13

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 10:42 pm
by Zykes
Maybe it is just the way I read into it, but some aspect(s) of his condition I could imagine, wouldn't go unnoticed by like Shizune or others

Re: A Painful Past (OC) On hold until 3/9/13

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 11:08 pm
by LorSquirrel
Zykes wrote:Maybe it is just the way I read into it, but some aspect(s) of his condition I could imagine, wouldn't go unnoticed by like Shizune or others

well she did notice his arm shaking. and as she said err... signed [Naomi has told me a lot about you and your daughters] so its safe to say she knows about it.

Re: A Painful Past (OC) SC 3 update (3/3/13)

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 11:11 pm
by LorSquirrel
Statistically, Emi tackles 90% of all new students within two days of their arrival.
...
Subverted for once^^°
You used the word 'image' when you meant 'imagine'. And 'runaway' should be one word here. At least, I think that's why Mirage quoted it. The change from getting run into by Emi to Ikuno is what Mirage means by the subversion.

Oh, okay.

I didn't even think about the Emi thing until you just mentioned it.

mostly because I don't plan on using her very much

Re: A Painful Past (OC) On hold until 3/9/13

Posted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 11:47 pm
by LorSquirrel
kinda weird how this thread went from two pages too four in the span of a day

Re: A Painful Past (OC) On hold until 3/9/13

Posted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 4:01 am
by Mirage_GSM
LorSquirrel wrote:kinda weird how this thread went from two pages too four in the span of a day
A lot of double and triple posts can do that to a thread^^°
If you want to add something to your post and noone has replied yet, it's possible to edit it.

Re: A Painful Past (OC) On hold until 3/9/13

Posted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 7:18 am
by LorSquirrel
*looks back at other pages* oh. *sheepish grin*

The Everyday Adventures of Yukiko and Koneko #1 (edit)

Posted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 9:58 am
by LorSquirrel
Table of Contents



The Everyday Adventures of Yukiko and Koneko #1



“Hey, wake up sleepy head.”


No I don’t want to wake up this early on Sunday Koneko.


Sundays are the only days that dad is home all day, and I like to be awake so I can spend time with him, not half asleep because I woke up early.


I begin to feel a finger prodding the back of my head every half second.


“It’s too early to wake up Koneko I want to sleep!” I try yelling this but it comes out in more of a half whimper.


“Oh, so you are still alive!” I can’t tell if she’s patronizing me or if she actually thought I was dead, it wouldn’t be the first time she’s thought like that.


“Come on Yukiko get up!” as she says this she grabs my left and starts shaking me.


“Grr…” is all I offer in response to this attempt to get me out of bed. Although I’m already awake and I doubt that I’ll be going to go back to sleep so maybe I should see what she wants.


I begin to speak as slowly open my eyes “Okay Koneko, what did you wake me for at…” I pause for a second looking at the kitty cat digital clock that dad got us for our fourth birthday, it reads ‘5:02 A.M.’ Grr…what could she want from me at five in the morning?


“Five o’clock in the morning?” I finish my sentence as I lock my eyes lock with the brown set that belongs to my sister.


“I woke up early there for you must wake up early too!” she says with an excited voice.


What? I must have said this thought out loud because Koneko responds. “We’re twins so we should wake up at the same time as each other!” she says as I stare blankly at her.


After about five seconds of staring at each other I lie back on my bed and cover my face with my pillow.


“That makes no sense.” I say half heartedly into my pillow trying to remember whatever wonderful dreams had been taken from me by my sibling sitting next to me on my bed.


“Well okay that isn’t the whole reason I woke you up.” She says in a tone of voice that I can’t make out while my head is covered in a pillow.


I decide to discard my pillow back to the top of my bed where it belongs before I begin speaking.


“Okay then, what is your reason for waking me up this early?” I say in a tone that’s more curious than annoyed.


For all of her yelling, screaming, unstoppable speaking marathons, eating all of my candy and never stopping to sit down unless dad tells her to or its time to eat, when ever Koneko thinks up a plan its usually pretty fun, or at least I think so, the neighbor’s dog might not agree with me on this.


“Well when I woke up I went down stares to get some water to drink and I ran into Mikazuki in the kitchen and she asked if we wanted to help with breakfast… well she asked if you wanted to help with breakfast, but I said I wouldn’t come get you if she didn’t let me help.” She says in a slightly aggravated voice while crossing her arms.


To be honest I don’t really blame grandma for only asking for my help, because last time I tried some of Koneko’s cooking I got food poisoning for two days straight.


“You could have just said that from the start and I would have helped right then and there.” I say with a yawn as I rub the sleep from my eyes.


“Yes but then I wouldn’t have gotten to shake you.” Koneko’s tone changing from aggravated to playful and slightly amused.


After noticing that she is offering me a hand to help me get up I accept it and look out the window of our room to see the usual city Sunday is already under way.


“Okay come down after you take your medication got it?” she says in a slightly demeaning voice.


“Sure.”
Is all I say as I begin to stretch my arms and legs, Koneko turns around and heads out of the room.


After stretching for a few more seconds I take my medication with some water from mine and Koneko’s bathroom put on my glasses and head out into the hallway.


“Ah stairs, my old nemesis.” I say making my way down the spiral stair case leading to the first floor of our condo.


Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, don’t slip and fall Yukiko. That wouldn’t be good at all.

“Morning Yuki!” I hear a voice sing from the kitchen.


That nickname… I hate it. Just the way it sounds annoys me.


Yes, I can be petty.


I turn to see my grandma and sister making eggs, bacon, toast and coffee.


Although Koneko is only getting to do the toast and coffee, at least we know she’s good at that.


As I head to the kitchen grandma turns to me holding my apron I wear when cooking with her.


“Hear ya go!” She says in a cheery voice.


She always seems to enjoy cooking with me and even though she’s usually spending the whole time teaching me how to cook and doesn’t really let me do any of it.


As I tie the string around my back Koneko decides to say something to keep her interest while the coffee and toast are cooking or brewing in the coffee’s case.


“Hey Mikazuki, can we bring dads breakfast to him while he’s in bed?” She asks while staring at the toaster.


“I mean it is his last Sunday here until we go to drop him off at that school with Naomi.” She continues as her voice has a little bit of despair of the thought that we won’t be able to really see dad until summer break after he transfers.


“Sure I don’t see why not, Yukiko can you grab that metal tray from under the counter for me?” She asks as she turns over an egg.


“Okay.” Is all I offer in reply as I walk over to the counter in question and retrieve the metal tray it’s actually kind of heavy.


We spend the next couple of minutes cooking and making conversation.


After all the food is done Mikazuki err… I mean grandma says that Koneko and I can go give dad his food while she sets the table for the rest of us.


“Come on Yukiko! He’s going to wake up before we get there at this point!” Koneko says in an impatient tone.


“I’m trying not to drop the tray Koneko!” I respond while making sure not to let the tray slip.


As we reach dads room Koneko opens the door for me and as I enter I see dad laying in bed reading a book.


“Good morning daddy! We brought you breakfast!” I say in the happiest tone I’ve had all day.


He looks up from his book in surprise on his face but it quickly turns to the same warm and caring smile he gives Koneko and I everyday.


“Koneko didn’t make it did she?” He says in a half kidding half terrified tone.


“No I only made the toast and coffee, no need to worry what happened to Yukiko won’t be happening to you…. Well at least for today.” Koneko responds in an aggravated and playful voice.



When I hand dad the tray he puts it on his nightstand and gives Koneko and I a big hug.



While he’s hugging us I look over to Koneko who is absolutely beaming with happiness.


After a couple of seconds dad pull away and thanks the two of us for bringing him breakfast.


After a talking for a minute we hear grandma yell from the dinning room that our food will get cold if we don’t hurry up and get down there.


We excuse our selves from dad’s room and as we walking down stairs Koneko speaks up. “Thanks for helping with breakfast Yukiko.” She says with her arms behind her back.


“Thanks for waking me up early today.” I reply as we continue down the hall.


Koneko stops in-front of me and holds out her hand in a fist, “Are you going to punch me or something?” I reply in a confused tone.


“It’s a fist bump! Make a fist with your hand and use it to bump mine!” she responds excitedly.


“You’ve been watching American TV again, haven’t you?” I say as I give her a judgmental glare


“Maybe…” She replies with a sheepish grin and a slight blush.


I sigh and tighten my hand into a fist and bump her fist.


“Okay, there, now can we go down stairs and eat?” I ask as she beams with joy.


“Yeah let’s go!” she responds as we head off towards the dinning room.


And so my day passed on as usual.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

all i changed was a few of yukiko's thoughts so that she fits her characterization in the re-write.

Fun Facts #2

Posted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 10:50 am
by LorSquirrel
Fun Facts: The Everyday Adventure of Yukiko and Koneko #1


This was originally supposed to take place on Yukiko and Koneko's drive back to the city. they were supposed to get out at a rest stop and end up getting lost in the forest when they chase after a rabbit. this was dropped do to it feeling kinda weird for the opening of the mini series and maybe used again in a later adventure.



Yukiko's name means 'snow child' and and Koneko's means 'kitten, or cat'



Mikazuki's name means 'new moon'



in the original story Yukiko would give the rabbit the nickname of bugs in reference to bugs bunny from looney toones



i originally wanted this to be in a comic style slideshow but i don't know anyone who has the time or talent to draw something like that

Re: A Painful Past (OC) On hold until 3/9/13

Posted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:37 pm
by LorSquirrel
by the way. i've started writing scene 4..... i would tell you guys the name of the scene but i'm having trouble coming up a title for it. because i changed it a lot from what it was originally so it'll take awhile for an actual title

New Update 3/9/13

Posted: Sat Mar 09, 2013 10:27 pm
by LorSquirrel
Before i start with the update i would like to apologize for posting so many un-important updates and just for my constant completely un-needed posts for small things that don't affect the story. (although i do't apologize for the fun facts or The Everyday Adventures of Yukiko and Koneko because they are fun to me)


anyway on to the update.


first off as you can probably see at the top of the page the poll i created to see if people wanted me to change Hideaki and Yuuko's names. the answer is apparently a resounding Yes along with two don't cares' and a no. as such i will be changing Hideaki and Yuuko's names to: Nagataka and Mikazuki.


second i have started re-writing scenes 1 through 4 because i felt like i wasn't giving enough character to anyone and i feel like i should go back and try again. i will also be adding a small prologue before the first scene titled: The Million Dollar Question. which has an exchange between Nagataka and his father-in-law about whether or not he will be attending Yamaku or not being the focus.


also i would like everyone's opinion on something. should i create other threads for mini-story series like The Everyday Adventures of Yukiko and Koneko and just post them there? or should i just keep them here and add them to the tables of content?


please leave a reply with your opinions on any or all of these matters. LS out.

Re: New Update 3/9/13

Posted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 9:07 am
by Silentcook
LorSquirrel wrote:also i would like everyone's opinion on something. should i create other threads for mini-story series like The Everyday Adventures of Yukiko and Koneko and just post them there? or should i just keep them here and add them to the tables of content?
Mine is not exactly an opinion. Don't create more threads.

Re: A Painful Past (OC) Re-write in progress. (No ETA)

Posted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 9:13 am
by LorSquirrel
okay then.

Re: A Painful Past (OC) Re-writing (sc1 done No ETA on other

Posted: Mon Mar 11, 2013 5:30 pm
by LorSquirrel
The Prologue and scene 1 from the re-write are up on the first post please check them out when you have the time and please leave a reply or pm me your opinions thank you. (and sorry if this counts as a pointless post i just wanted you guys to know that the new scenes are up i will now keep myself from posting unless i'm responding to someone or if i have an update concerning the story or if i have a new scene to put up.)