Katawa Shoujo Forums

Thanks a ton for the feedback, Mirage! I'm glad you enjoyed the story overall and took the time to share your thoughts with me. Here are my thoughts about a few of your points.

Mirage_GSM wrote: Sun Dec 03, 2023 1:20 pm

So... It stretches credulity a bit that Emi would still be affected this much after so much time...

As I was forming this story, I considered having Emi be someone who had already overcome her trauma and opened up to people and she would help Hisao do the same. In that early version, she was much more like Hisao in the VN, while Hisao would be more like Emi. Except instead of being kind of dumb about it like Hisao, she instead would know exactly what he's going through. But in the end, I decided it would be more powerful to have them help one another than it would be for one of them to guide the other.

People really do struggle with trauma and opening up to people about it for their entire lives. There's a question of whether Emi might be the kind of person to continue to have that problem, but I certainly don't think its an impossible outcome for her either. So, I'm not sure I would go so far as to say it 'stretches credulity.'

Mirage_GSM wrote: Sun Dec 03, 2023 1:20 pm

This story feels a bit like a backwards Emi route

That's what I was going for, so I'm glad you picked up on it! As I noted above, that was even more true in the original story. If you read the last scene before the Epilogues and then read the last scene in Emi's good ending, you'll find many parallels.

Mirage_GSM wrote: Sun Dec 03, 2023 1:20 pm

I can't really say "wholesome" because the sheer amount of H-scenes makes that adjective unfitting. The story would probably have been even better with a few less of those.

I agree that I probably went overboard with H-scenes. I do think sex was a complicated matter for both of them, since they came at it from very different angles and Hisao was having a hard time even initiating the act because of his love for his late wife, but I could have stuck with about four to get that point across.

Doesn't she need to be rubbing elbows with important people and stuff?"
Since nobody comments on this in-story I have to ask: Was this intentional?

Woops. It wasn't! Definitely missed an opportunity for an Emi quip.

Of COURSE she's going to call her Kaychan.
Minor nitpick: The "yo" of Kayoko is one syllable in Japanese, so if she shortens the name it would be either to "Kacchan" or to "Kayo-chan" - more likely the latter.

Thanks for this! Since I'm writing a sequel to this series now where Kayoko is the main character, I'll have to fix this in that story too.

Mirage_GSM wrote: Sun Dec 03, 2023 1:20 pm

So... It stretches credulity a bit that Emi would still be affected this much after so much time...

As I was forming this [...] But in the end, I decided it would be more powerful to have them help one another than it would be for one of them to guide the other.

People really do struggle with trauma and opening up to people about it for their entire lives. There's a question of whether Emi might be the kind of person to continue to have that problem, but I certainly don't think its an impossible outcome for her either. So, I'm not sure I would go so far as to say it 'stretches credulity.'

Indeed, they did help each other - though the result in the story was, that Emi was almost instantly "cured" from her anxieties (at least while awake), while Hisao was the one who had to struggle with them almost to the end.
And agreed, "stretched credulity" was probably putting it too strongly, but one would usually expect things to improve at least a little after so many years, but Emi seemed worse than she was at school at the start of the story.

Minor nitpick: The "yo" of Kayoko is one syllable in Japanese, so if she shortens the name it would be either to "Kacchan" or to "Kayo-chan" - more likely the latter.

Thanks for this! Since I'm writing a sequel to this series now where Kayoko is the main character, I'll have to fix this in that story too.

In that case, another nitpick which I didn't mention earlier: I think you used "Hichan" once or twice in the story, but in the VN they use "Hicchan". Pronunciation would be similar to the word "hitch" - when in doubt have google read it to you.

I wasn't counting on reading a fanfic... of my favourite fanfic and for it to be emotionally resonant as well! The last chapter straight up hurt, but it was earned.

As I said in other messages, I admire the breakneck speed you achieve with the story. There are some awkward conversations here and there but it's overall cohesive and feels complete, which isn't easy to achieve when condensing such a vast amount of time. I do agree with others that there may be way too many h scenes but I see your point as well.

Now, I feel you're already familiar with EDS by the way you write about it, either because you have someone close who has it (or yourself!) or because you've done a very respectable amount of research. I just want to give some tips, and keep in mind I haven't read the sequel. First of all, while many of us use a cane it isn't, or rather shouldn't be, used for weightbearing. Our joints are bad enough as it is, moving the weight of the entire body to one arm without proper support would be devastating for our wrists, elbows and shoulders. Crutches or a walker would be more appropriate, and the walker has the added benefit of often including a seat to avoid standing up for long periods. A cane makes more sense when it comes to propioception and balance
Also, given how severe Kayoko's case is it's more than likely she has other issues, such as dysautonomia, GI problems and probably some immune dysregulation. The sequel probably takes those into account, but wanted to give a heads-up anyway because people often (and understandably) think that it's only dislocations and chronic pain.

All in all I really enjoyed the ride, let's see if I can get some time to read Next Generation!

Thanks for the feedback! This story was my first foray into writing fiction, and I definitely agree there are some awkward conversations. Some day I might go back and rewrite parts of it.

Your feedback on EDS is useful too! I don't have it myself, but I did go pretty hard on research. As you'll see if you continue reading, Kayoko has the hypermobile type, which as I understand generally IS characterized by frequent dislocations and chronic pain and other musculoskeletal symptoms, with more minor involvement of the skin (if at all). While symptoms in other systems and organs can show up too, they aren't always present with the hypermobile type.

Clearly, I didn't do a perfect job of representing the condition -- in particular, it sounds like I shouldn't ever have had her use a cane, which she does from time to time. I'm sure there's more, too. Just like with this story, there are certainly some improvements to be made when I have time.

guthrum06 wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2024 10:47 am

Thanks for the feedback! This story was my first foray into writing fiction, and I definitely agree there are some awkward conversations. Some day I might go back and rewrite parts of it.

If this is your first time writing fiction it really is an achievement! Even more so if you wrote it in two months!

guthrum06 wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2024 10:47 am

Your feedback on EDS is useful too! I don't have it myself, but I did go pretty hard on research. As you'll see if you continue reading, Kayoko has the hypermobile type, which as I understand generally IS characterized by frequent dislocations and chronic pain and other musculoskeletal symptoms, with more minor involvement of the skin (if at all). While symptoms in other systems and organs can show up too, they aren't always present with the hypermobile type.

Diagnostic criteria for the hypermobile type is mostly what you say, but it does usually come with various comorbidities. I'm an aspiring clinical neuropsychologist so I've attended several conferences regarding EDS, and you'd be shocked at how many things can be affected by bad collagen, which makes sense when you think about it because the damn thing is everywhere in our bodies. Given how severe Kayoko's case is even when well managed (at first I thought you were going for one of the rarer types, such as arthrocalasia or kyphoscoliotic, because it really is rare to be diagnosed at such an early age) I would be really surprised if she didn't develop any other issues. These can appear later in life too, this is more of a PSA than a request to include those in the story, lol. As I said it really does show that you did respectable research, I think she's great representation and I honestly think you're doing a fantastic job with the sequel too from what little I've read as of yet.

guthrum06 wrote: Fri Apr 12, 2024 10:47 am

Clearly, I didn't do a perfect job of representing the condition -- in particular, it sounds like I shouldn't ever have had her use a cane, which she does from time to time. I'm sure there's more, too. Just like with this story, there are certainly some improvements to be made when I have time.

To be fair a lot of people with EDS use a cane "incorrectly", for various reasons. A lot of canes are collapsible and can be stored in a backpack or even a big purse, which isn't something you're usually able to do with crutches, even less so something like a walker or a wheelchair. So for a pinch, it does do the job since the better alternatives aren't always available. Luxations, subluxations, joint instability and chronic pain cause problems with proprioception, the sense of where your body parts are in space, which can greatly affect your balance, and for that a cane does wonders, and I'm talking from experience here too. What I'm trying to say is that it does make sense for her to use a cane and it's actually great that she doesn't use it all the time because it's yet something else most people have trouble wrapping their heads around.

Sorry about the long text, hope I don't seem too harsh because I really do feel you're doing a fantastic job and really enjoy your writing!