The walk to the park is mostly quiet. I think the three of us needed time to recover from our reunion, so we stick to safe and less exhausting topics such as the odd change in scenery that had happened the last few months: some stores had opened and others had closed, the crooked bench still hasn't been fixed, and the old house on the corner still looks as creepy as ever, despite a new coat of paint. Why didn't they replace the broken window while they were at it?
When we reach the park, our pace finally catches up with me. “Hey guys, can we slow down? Sorry, still in recovery ‘n all that.”
Shin overreacts and stops altogether, forcing Mai and I to stop too. “Right- yeah, sorry about that. You good?”
I nod. “Just need to walk a little slower.”
“Speaking of which, what happened? You said it was a car crash?”
“Yeah, I was out with my-… friend and their mom to go on a hike, then a car came out of nowhere and smashed into us.”
“Damn, that sounds intense.”
“I was knocked out for most of it.” I gesture vaguely at my heart as I say that and the two of them look away immediately. I’m trying to show you guys that it’s no big deal anymore. “When I woke up I was in the hospital with some scrapes, bruises, and six broken ribs.”
“That’s terrible…” Mai rubs her left arm with her other hand while Shin stares at his shoes.
I shrug and start walking again at a comfortable pace. “These things happen. I’m fine so it’s okay.” The others start to follow a moment later, trailing along in my wake, stunned.
“So uhh… do you know how it happened?” Mai’s voice is still a little off-putting when she’s being quiet, but I appreciate the attempt to keep the conversation going.
I chuckle a little. “Funny story actually. Turns out the guy who crashed into us was some big shot from a company owned by someone I go to school with - or, more accurately, her family. In the end my schoolmate came to visit us and-”
Mai catches up to me and grabs my arm, forcing me to stop again. She’s got a funny look on her face.“What’s her name?” That’s much more like her.
“Err, I don’t see why that matters.” I’m not sure I want to be giving out the names of my schoolmates. Is it unethical to reveal who’s got a disability like that?
“Just answer the question,” Mai demands, neatly solving my ethical dilemma. I guess might makes right.
“Lilly… Lilly Satou.”
“Satou! Is she one of the Satous?”
“Uh, I think so? I know she’s rich-”
“Dude, it was all over the news last week! Satou Industries are in deep shit! They hospitalized three people! I mean damn, to think you’d be in the same school as their kid!” A look of horror and shock wipes across her face, “-Wait, so that was you?”
“I guess so. Didn’t know they were such a big name.” Unsurprisingly, the articles sensationalized the incident a little. Although, not by much, I guess: I did technically die. But the other two are completely fine.
“How though? The story was everywhere, and it’s the Satous!” Historically, Mai’s version of ‘everywhere’ is often an exaggeration of reality, but I’ll take her word for it that the story at least did make the rounds somewhere. Plus she says ‘Satous’ as if they’re some global super-power. Wait, they’re not… right?
“I haven’t been keeping up with the news too much. Which reminds me, my homeroom teacher said I should start watching out for things in the science world, so maybe I should try and keep up a bit more.”
Mai and Shin give me a look that immediately makes me question my line of thinking, or at least the decision to verbalize it. “Dear gods, it’s gotten worse. He’s a full on nerd now,” Shin says mournfully.
“What? Hey now, these things can be interesting! Just this year they were able to use Jupiter’s gravity to slingshot a probe towards Pluto! All based on some precise math and mountains upon mountains of work - not to mention the decades or even centuries of research, study, and advancements that even made such a feat possible. On top of that, they were able to collect some really cool data from-”
“Blah blah blah-there he goes again,” Mai interrupts before she and Shin start laughing. Huh… it’s been a while since I started rambling like that. It felt… natural, and it’s been a while since I’ve done something natural, but I refuse to let them win this one. It is pretty damn cool after all.
“Laugh it up while you can. They’re launching probes to precise - moving - targets billions of kilometers away using literal rocket science while you can barely aim a gun at an arcade screen.”
Shin gasps in mock horror. “You’re right! How dare I, a mere plebeian, not bask in the glory and awe of sophisticated minds at work. Truly, you’ve humbled me.” He gives an exaggerated European bow, barely stifling his laugh.
Mai follows suit, doffing an imaginary hat and an equally (terribly) exaggerated accent. “Yes. Please forgive our terrible transgressions and grant us mercy, for we are mere commoners in both mind and body. We could never appreciate such achievements in the greatest field of study.”
I scoff. “Well, you said it, not me.” I wave the two of them off as they snicker under their breath. When I start walking away, they crack and start howling again. Eventually they calm down and catch up to me.
We finally reach “our” spot in the park: a table set atop a steep hill. There’s no direct path to it, but for whatever reason the… erm… local council? Damn, I can’t even remember what the name of whatever local organization that governs these trails is. Anyways, they erected a single lamppost at its peak.
Despite there being a gazebo somewhere behind it, the groundskeepers must not like going out of their way to climb the hill so it can go months between cleanings. In that time, it accumulates sketches and drawings from the locals.
Mai and Shin are frequent contributors, but this time the whole table is covered in what looks like elaborate calligraphy from a distance. Up close, it turns out to be a visually appealing pattern someone drew without apparently lifting the pen from its surface.
“Whose work is this?” I ask as we settle down.
Mai and Shin shrug. “Nobody we know.” Shin speaks for both of them. “It just turned up one day.”
“Huh. I like it.”
I trace my fingers across the surface for a moment, then Mai clears her throat. “So you were with a friend? He and his mom okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. She’s, uh… she’s fine. Her mom’s doing fine too, just got some whiplash. She’s getting a new car out of it, which she thinks is a good deal.”
Mai gets a twisted grin. “She? That’s two girls you’ve mentioned being friends with already… You didn’t become some kind of womanizer in the past few months did you?”
“Nah, Yamaku just has a like, seventy percent female student body so let’s just say the choice of male companionship there is… limited. It’s not like I’m avoiding the guys there or anything, it’s just that none of us have gotten close yet and my hallmate is… an interesting character to say the least. Not someone I’d really say I’m close friends with, or want to be.”
Shin leans on the table. “So you are fit as hell now, got your own room on some fancy campus, are surrounded by girls, and meet some hotshot family’s daughter? Maybe I need to get in a cripple school-”
I cringe at his words. Mai immediately picks up on my reaction and delivers a swift blow to the back of his head. He glares at her, then realizes why she’s staring daggers at him. “Damn, sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s…. okay. Just probably don’t call it that- or really use that word. Pretty rude… I think.” It strikes me that I’ve only heard about the struggles others at Yamaku have had with regards to words like that being used. I’ve never actually experienced it myself until now.
“Yeah- I uhm… Sorry.”
I give him what I hope is a reassuring smile and for his sake, I change the topic. “You know, it’s funny though. You’ll probably hate me for this, but I think the only people I’ve really even talked to there are all girls.”
As I was talking Mai was checking her phone. Now she puts it away and says, “Oh really? Well, fill us in. What’s it been like over there?”
So I start telling them about my time at Yamaku, starting with that first hectic week: how Shizune and Misha were the first ones to really talk to me, then how I met Hanako - Shin probably won’t ever let me live that one down - running into Lilly, then Rin, and finally Emi.
“So that’s what, five- no six girls you are friends with?” Mai asks.
“Friends is a stretch. I’d say my friend group is pretty limited there to two, maybe three of them. Shizune is probably still mad at me and Misha is pretty much always at her side so we can probably write them off, but we still talk in class plenty so who knows. I’ve barely ever talked to Hanako, and before this whole crash thing Lilly and I only really spoke a handful of times since that first week, but it seems like she’s willing to hang out some more so I might be able to call her a friend soon enough. I also met someone new just last week but I should start trying to get to know more people from my class so maybe that’ll go somewhere too.”
“Another girl?” Shin raises an eyebrow.
“I mean, yes, but-”
Mai gives an unimpressed stare. “Seven then, but you only hang out with the last two? Emi and… Rin?”
“Hang out with might be a bit of an exaggeration - Rin goes wherever she feels like. Sometimes it’s convenient to be around Emi and me, other times she just vanishes into her own world. The only reason I see her as much as I do is because Emi helps her out a lot. As for Emi, she’s a track star and I needed training to strengthen my heart, so the nurse at school set us up.”
This is it. I’m going to have to tell them about Emi and me. I’ve been avoiding it because Shin’s going to make a whole big deal of it but… “She’s actually the friend I was with when the crash happened.”
“So where were you going? On a hot date?” Shin’s childish grin takes over completely as he talks, but it feels a little forced.
“Actually, yes. Emi and I are dating.”
Shin practically does a spit take without anything to drink and Mai’s face reminds me more of a surprised cat than anything else. For a second, I wish I’d had a camera, then Mai starts in with the first of what I know will be many, many questions. “What?! Oh, I’ve got to hear the details. Spill 'em, man.”
“I mean- what do you want to know?”
“What’s she like, how’d you start dating, how many times was she dropped as a baby to fall for you, what’s her favorite color. You know: details!”
“First of all, rude. Second of all, we were already spending a lot of time together due to the daily runs and checkups with Nurse. Then, after taking blame for me having an episode on our second run, she invited me to start having lunch with her and Rin. After that she kept inviting me to lunch and I kept going. Eventually it turned into something more.”
“That’s the other thing!” Shin butts in. “You mean to tell us you aren’t close with that many of these girls, but you are on a first name basis with all of them? Something doesn’t add up.”
“Jealous?” I tease. It works and he glares at me, causing me to laugh for a moment. “You’re just a prude. Out there people are more lax about that thing than in the city.” Hmmm. That might not be the best way to put it. Yamaku is a rather strange place through and through, after all.
“If you say so.”
“I do. Now where was I…” I give them the truncated version of the past few months, leaving out the more… intimate details. I also avoid mentioning Emi’s father and the related subjects in that regard, but by the end they catch on to the fact that there’s details missing in my story. Thankfully, they don’t pry.
Throughout the story Mai keeps asking for little details that I can only slightly or vaguely recall - ‘girl things’ she called them - and Shin just nods along most of the time. It occurs to me that I never explicitly say Emi doesn’t have legs; I just mention an infection taking her off the track for a little while. It's a hard thing to drop into a conversation - “oh, and she is missing her legs below the knee” - so I leave it out. I don't think it matters much, either. “...and then we went to leave for a picnic and hike and you know the rest of that story.”
“Alright, we’ve gotten the history lesson. Now tell us about her.” Mai crosses her arms impatiently.
About her, huh? “To start, her favorite color is blue, though you’d probably guess it’s pink from looking at her. She loves eating desserts, especially strawberry flavored ones, but only on special occasions.” Mai seems dissatisfied with my answer so I sit up and scratch my head. “I don’t know what you want me to say, I guess.”
Mai pouts. “Okay, simple terms it is: Why do you like her?”
I lean back and look at the vast night sky; I hadn't realized how much I enjoyed staring at the stars, and now that they're drowned out by the city lights I miss them. I also realize that I miss the cicadas, as annoying as they are; the constant buzz of the city feels far louder to me somehow.
Eventually, I find the words I’m looking for. “She makes me feel like I can face anything and come out on top. She makes me want to be a better person.” I sit back up to look at Mai and Shin. “She makes me want to feel alive again.”
In the silence that follows, I fidget a little, trying to work out if Mai and Shin are satisfied with my answer - or if I'm satisfied with it. “It was thanks to her that I got out of the depression the hospital left me in. I might’ve just hidden away in my room forever had she not been there to help pull me out of that rut. I don’t know - maybe I would’ve found something with someone else, or maybe I’d have ended up in a much worse place. Either way, she was there and she helped me rethink a lot of things. Like how I am not defined by my condition. It’s just a part of me now, and I shouldn’t let that slow me down.” I hope you two can do the same.
“She sounds lovely, Hisao.” The voice, coming from behind me, stills my heart as it did once before. I turn around slowly, like a character in a horror movie who is moments away from being brutally murdered. I never even heard her approach us.
“Iwanako…” There she is - just like in February. Right in front of me in the middle of a park.
“Hello, Hisao.” She’s breathing hard and hiding it badly. I used to do the same after the first few runs until Emi berated me for trying to hide it. ‘You’re stressing yourself out for no reason. Just breathe, dummy.’
The night freezes in place, and the city goes quiet. Even the field around us fades into the darkness of the night as I sit there, silent. Mai shatters the spell. “I texted her we were here.” She shrugs. “Better to just rip the bandage off now.”
Shin turns to her, his brow furrowed and eyes widened slightly, “Why would you-”
“Shin, please, let’s give them space. We can talk on our own.”
He looks like he’s about to protest, then huffs. “Fine, let’s go.” He shoots out of his seat, and storms off. Mai stands up and follows without a word. Iwanako and I watch intently as the two get further away. The further they walk the more animated their argument gets, but they manage to keep their voices down. Knowing they are fighting about something related to me doesn’t feel great. Eventually they disappear down a side-street.
“They never change, do they?” I'd twisted myself like a pretzel to watch them leave so I straighten out and face Iwanako.
She’s staring at the table but cracks a smile nonetheless. Something about her apparent demureness takes me straight back to Winter, BY. Course, Iwanako is being shy for a completely different reason now than she was then.
“No, I guess they don’t.” It’s been long enough now that she’s caught her breath, or can at least hide it easily enough. I wait a moment to see if she’ll elaborate; the moment turns into several.
I clear my throat. “They start dating yet?”
Seriously? Talk about dating with your sort-of, almost ex? After she just found out about your new girlfriend, no less. Could I even be more of a prick?
“Not yet, but it always feels like they will.” Is she thinking of us as she says that? “I do worry we’ve all got the wrong idea about those two. The way they argue sometimes…” Iwanako shakes her head.
“It’ll pass. They always work it out.” I have a vested interest in them getting over this argument as well, so they better. “Then after another couple months you’ll start thinking that maybe this time they’ll actually start dating cause it just feels that much more likely, but before you know it they’re at each-others throats again. Sometimes you’ll feel like the fighting is them getting closer to hooking up, but even that passes. Then repeat. They’re like two lines that bounce off each other but always come back together.” That doesn’t sound right. “Like magnets that keep swapping polarity… or something like that.” Yeah… something like that.
And here I am, struggling to talk to someone who I used to make laugh with ease. I'd give anything to be in the library with Hanako right now - at least then we could ignore each other comfortably without any interpersonal history to make things heavy
Not that Iwanako isn't doing a great job ignoring me right now: she's either staring at the table, or else she's looking at the place where Mai and Shin disappeared from view, with one arm wrapped behind her back rubbing the other. Just like that winter night before her confession. Her hair is a little shorter now, while her skirt’s a little longer, and she’s also started to wear leggings of some sort it seems, but otherwise we could have been sent back to the long-distant past…
She shakes her head slightly. “It’s kind of cute though, huh?”
“What?”
“Those two.” Something about the way she says it compels me to agree. It's like she needs me to dispel some worry for her.
“I guess so.”
Iwanako nods forcefully, and moves a balled up hand towards her mouth. She hesitates, before moving it up to sweep a stray hair out of her face.
It occurs to me that she’s been standing this whole time while I’ve been sitting. “Uh, please sit down, Iwanako.” Should I be using her given name? She used mine… so I think it’s fine. Just feels strange. And it feels strange that it feels strange after being at Yamaku for so long.
“You sure?”
“It’d be rude otherwise.” Not to mention awkward. Eventually Iwanako nods and cautiously takes a seat across from me. I turn back towards the table to face her. The tension almost reminds me of the last few visits I had with her, but at least this time I can talk to her. That changes things right? “You got a haircut…” Smooth.
“Yeah…”
“Looks good on you.”
“Thanks.”
Another long pause. Gods, this is so awkward. Thanks Mai, you ripped one bandage off; what about the hundred others?
We’re not getting anywhere by sitting here in silence and I don’t think we’re walking away from this without talking about something, so I take the plunge.
“Iwana-”
“Hisao I-”
Iwanako must have been thinking the same thing. We both stop for a second, then I try again.
“You go -”
“Go ahe-”
In another moment of weird synchronicity, we both look up at each other and make eye contact for the first time tonight. I’m relieved Iwanako’s smiling because I am too.
Our smiles quickly turn into a shared laugh, one that I am able to keep from becoming painful.
It isn’t much, but it lifts a small weight from me. We calm down and, still smiling, I tell Iwanako she can go first if she’d like.
“You sure?”
I nod. It should buy me enough time to gather my thoughts further.
She straightens her back, then closes her eyes and steadies herself. “I wanted to say sorry for everything that happened. I sent you a letter, but I don’t know if you ever got it…”
She… was waiting for a response. Of course she was waiting. I turn away from her. “Yeah, I got it.”
Iwanako looks down, and for the second time tonight I feel like I’m a monster kicking puppies around. “Oh.”
“Sorry for not responding. Truth be told, when I first got it… it pissed me off. I didn’t even finish reading it.” Now Iwanako looks like I just told her that it’s her fault her family’s been brutally murdered and that she deserved it.
I’ve hurt her deeply, but I need- I have to be honest, even if it’s hard for both of us. I shrug, as if to dispel all the pain we all went through. “Then a lot happened and I came to realize how selfish it was of me to act that way.”
Iwanako is still avoiding my eyes, but she sits up just a little. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I just…”
“No need to apologize. As I said, I wasn’t in a great head-space, though for different reasons than when I last saw you.” I take a moment to collect myself before continuing. “I thought you were just apologizing for abandoning me and that’s all the letter was, but eventually I realized it was more than that, and what you said holds true. I think I had given up on happiness- and myself. And the way I treated all of you wasn’t fair either. So, sorry for that. And I also wanted to say thanks.”
Iwanako narrows her eyes at me. “Thanks? For what?”
“Well, you helped me realize a lot about myself and someone else important to me. It really helped in a time I think we both needed it.”
“Your g-girlfriend?” From the pained look on her face, she already knows the answer.
“Yeah. We were in a rough spot, but it wasn’t just her or just me. It was something we had to work on together, and your letter helped me do that. So I wanted to thank you for that.” I let the moment hang for a little. “And I really am sorry for how I treated all of you.”
“No- it’s okay, Hisao. You were in a really bad place. It’s too much to expect you to be able to think about us after what happened to you. After I-”
“Don’t tell me you blame yourself for my heart attack.”
“I’d like to say no.” Iwanako seems to draw inwards, hugging herself tightly and resting a balled up fist on her chin.
I lean across the table. “You shouldn’t. It was gonna happen one way or another. The fact it happened in front of you may have ultimately been a blessing in disguise.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know as well as I do that it could’ve happened at any time. I heard the doctors and nurses give you the same lecture more than once when they thought I was asleep or out of earshot.” I sit back and shrug. “It’s the truth though: it could've happened when I was in the middle of a soccer match, or while watching a scary movie, or in the middle of class, or even worse, while in my room, alone. Without you there, I might not be here.” And had that ambulance not just so happened to have been nearby to the crash, or had Mrs. Ibarazaki been rendered unable to help me, or any other number of things, I may have died there too.
“I’m sure someone would’ve helped you…”
“Yeah, but after how long? Minutes? Hours? You were there and you noticed right away that something was wrong. Then you got me the help I needed immediately.” Iwanako sits up a little more, and manages to look at me again, but when she doesn’t say anything I continue. “It really wasn’t fair of me to give you all the silent treatment.”
“It wasn’t fair for us to stop visiting.”
I sigh. Why are they so hellbent on trying to tell me it wasn’t my fault after I finally accepted that it is? “Yeah, I think we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree on that front. My throat still hurts from arguing that with Mai.”
“Oh no, you didn’t…”
“Yep. I did. Right in front of my house too, so I’m sure I’ll hear about that soon enough from someone.” Probably Ms Ueda, who never seemed to sleep and always reported to my parents when I got in late, no matter how often they told her they weren't concerned.
“Mai owes me 500 yen then,” she says with a growing smirk.
“You made a bet?” Iwanako nods, looking all too pleased. “Seriously? On what, whether I’d get into a shouting match in front of my house?”
Iwanako giggles, and as she covers her mouth I notice her nails are much shorter now. They’re rough and uneven. “Not exactly. Basically, the bet was that I thought you’d probably yell at one of us if you came back.”
Normally that’d almost sound like an insult, but I was so dismissive of all of them back then that any sort of direct confrontation was probably hard - if not impossible to imagine. “So Mai didn’t think I would?”
The smile drops instantly from her face and she hesitates before answering. “Mai thought... that you were done. She thought you were… giving up on us… and on life.”
Iwanako must see the shock on my face because she hurries to explain. “Mai was really upset by what happened in the hospital when she said that, Hisao. She couldn't understand why you didn’t want her help through this. I don’t think - no, I know she didn't believe that you were really giving up.”
I nod slowly. I’m sorry, Mai. I’ll have to make it up to her somehow. Then I remember the other side of the bet. “And you? You didn’t agree with her?”
She shakes her head empathetically. “I thought you’d get through whatever you were going through one way or another. You just needed time. Even Mai recognized that eventually. A week later, she and I were talking about when you'd get back, not if.” It’s comforting to know that, despite everything, she was still rooting for me in the end. Mai didn’t exactly wear her heart on her sleeve, but once you get to know her she may as well have. I trust Iwanako’s reached that point.
“Why’d you think I’d yell though?”
Iwanako smiles, but it’s not a happy one. “Because I knew you still cared enough about us to get angry. That, or if you were still wallowing when you came back, you’d wind up really lashing out,” an impish look creeps into her eyes - the one that used to set my heart racing - “because Mai and Shin weren’t going to leave you alone, and you know how annoying those two can be when they want to be. Either way I would have won.”
Then the Iwanako from last year fully surfaces and she winks. “Although, if push came to shove I would’ve bet against the whole wallowing and lashing out thing too.”
She hasn’t acted like that in so long I almost forgot what it looked like, but before I have a chance to respond she seems to wilt. “Besides, you had plenty of reasons to be angry with us.”
I don’t know what to make of all of that for now, so I thank her for believing in me instead.
“Mai believed in you too. She was just upset.”
“But you never stopped believing.”
Iwanako blushes and shies away. “Well, I did have a crush on you for a reason.”
“Ah, yeah. About that-”
“Nope. It’s in the past. You have a girlfriend now; it wouldn’t be right for you to talk to your ex about it.”
“But we never really even dated.”
“Sure we did. We even shared a bed!”
Now it’s my turn to look away and blush. “Please don’t remind me of that. I can still see my parents’ smug faces when I close my eyes, not to mention all the nurses and their incessant giggling.”
Iwanako breaks into a laugh. “It was sooooo bad! I could barely even walk into the hospital without one of them giving me a weird look. I was beginning to think my cheeks would always be red.”
I start laughing with her as much as my ribs permit me to. “And the lectures from the doctors- I thought they’d never end!”
“I know right! They just kept going on and on every time they saw us together…”
Artist: WaffleCaramel or here
After mocking their lectures about decency, safety, the importance of situational awareness, and on and on, we share a good laugh then settle down and enjoy the calmness of the night together for the first time in what feels like forever.
Of course, it can’t stay like that forever. After everything I did to them back then… “Really though, Iwanako, I am sorry for how I treated you guys. It was bad enough I barely talked to you all, but you didn’t deserve to be the target of my anger as well.”
She shakes her head. “It’s okay, Hisao. I don’t blame you.”
“How could you not though? You spent over six weeks visiting me almost every day, and I spoke to you even less than before- and when I did it was mostly frustrated grunts or short and punchy sentences.”
“And I don’t blame you for it.”
“Why though? I don’t deserve-”
“It’s not about you, Hisao. Sure, I wanted to be there for you and I hoped that you would return my feelings from the confession and you were really, really mean to me and everything-” I notice tears forming, but they don’t fall yet. I don’t dare move as I wait for Iwanako to continue “- but I also wanted to be there for my own selfish reasons more than anything and I-... I stopped visiting because I didn’t think it was fair for me to keep using you like that and I know I should’ve stopped going there when it was clear that you didn’t return my feelings but I couldn’t stop- I. Couldn’t. Stop.”
The tears start falling. “I never know when I should stop. I was forcing you to stare at the one person you didn’t want to see most and I knew that but I still couldn’t help but keep showing up. I’m a selfish bitch.”
Surprised by everything that just happened, I absentmindedly scratch at my chest, then wait for Iwanako to catch her breath and start calming down before responding. “And you still don’t know when you’re completely and utterly wrong.”
“What?”
Time to see if my gamble will pay off…
“You say I didn’t want to see you, and maybe I wanted that to be true, but when you walked out that last day a part of me knew it was for the last time, and… it hurt.” I recall the pain I felt that day, and the way I cried myself to sleep that night alone in the hospital room. The tears from that long night are back but I blink them away and keep going. .
“It hurt like hell because you were kind enough to buy me fruit whenever they let me eat solids, and talk to me about whatever boring class you just sat through, and patient enough to bear hours of a one way conversation with the boy too rude to respond to your heartfelt confession, and sweet enough to just be there for me.”
And all I did was wallow in self-pity. I tug at the collar of my shirt and continue. “It hurt because I knew you were probably the only person who could’ve helped me through whatever I was going through. Your presence was one of the last bright spots in my day, and I pushed you away. I hurt you and you didn’t deserve that.”
She shakes her head. “I wasn’t kind though. I used you as a distraction from... all of my own problems and I did just enough to convince myself I was a good person when really all I did was the bare minimum. I can’t call myself your friend. I’m lucky Mai even bothers to talk to me still.” Iwanako looks like she’s trying to hide herself from me and the world.
“That’s just it though. You aren’t selfish. A selfish person would’ve participated in a class project for the hospitalized kid and never thought about him again despite droning on and on in their stupid letter that they were ‘oh so sad’ to see something like that happen to me. You know how many of those letters I got? Dozens.” I stop to catch my breath and rest my hands on the table, then continue.
“I can’t even remember a single one of those peoples’ names now, but I still see you at the doorway. I still hear you reaching out to me trying to help me out of the hole I was convinced would be my own grave; I was determined to make it as much. You even gave me - a person who didn’t deserve the time of day and who was out of your life - one last helping hand with your letter.” And my first reaction was to crumple it up and throw it away. I’m such an asshole.
Iwanako says nothing for some time so I decide to continue. “Let me ask you something: Would someone selfish spend that long visiting someone who was nothing but an ass to them?”
Nothing.
“Would someone doing just enough to ‘not be a bad person’ really go out of their way to get nice expensive fruit for someone who never once thanked them?”
Still nothing.
“Aren’t you deserving of your own happiness?”
She balls her other hand up, pulling at her sleeve and looking further downwards, but still says nothing.
“Aren’t you mad at me?”
Finally, Iwanako nearly jumps from her seat and clutches her hands to her chest. “I am mad at you, Hisao! Of course I am! Is that what you want to hear? I’m super mad! I’m- I’m pissed! I spent years rejecting confession after confession and weeks on end figuring out who- if anyone- I could give a gift to on Valentine's Day and never chose anyone because not a single person ever felt so- so worthwhile until…” - she looks away, suddenly embarrassed - “until I met you.”
A few tears fall onto the table and I study the treeline until Iwanako cuffs at her eyes and is ready to continue. “I liked you so much that I couldn’t even wait a measly three months to finally tell you, so I pulled you out into the freezing cold in the middle of winter to confess my feelings and look what happened. I nearly got you killed. Heck, I did kill you! Your heart stopped! But you lived. Or at least, part of you lived, because according to the others when you woke up you were aggressive and snappy and short-tempered. You were back, but the guy who was so nice to everyone around him, even the ones who didn’t deserve it, was gone. I killed him.” She hangs her head again and her shoulders sag. “Or so I thought, but then I visited you for the first time.” She collapses back into her seat and lowers her voice again.
“Do you remember what your first words to me were after your attack? No? The very first thing you said after I walked in was ‘are you okay?’”
Iwanako turns her face towards me, beyond caring now if I see the tears that are flowing freely. “That nearly broke me. I could see that kind look that’s caused you so much pain plastered all over your face. Then I had to watch as that kind and caring guy slowly slipped away every waking hour. He wanted to come back, but something was stopping him. I was mad at you for burying him like that. Now you’re sitting here acting like that very same guy I lost on that winter night and I can’t help but feel like I was the reason that he- that you never came back sooner. Then I hear you found yourself someone new and I have the gall to get mad again? How could I do that? I’m mad at you for something I did. That’s… unforgivable.” I really am a jerk. Iwanako buries her face into her hands.
I never even looked back. I pushed forward thinking that this chapter of my life was closed and everyone was just going to go off and live their lives without me. They easily could have - I almost did.
But they cared… no, they still care for me. And I hurt them. All while practically forcing Emi to do the very thing I was running away from. I need to stop running.
I lean onto the table, and try to give as much of a genuine smile as I can, though Iwanako can’t see it while covering her face. “I forgive you.”
“What?”
“I said I forgive you. I don’t think it needs saying, and I still think it’s me that should be saying sorry but that’s getting us nowhere. You say you killed that kind guy, but I doubt that’s the truth. We are all responsible for our own actions, and I was a jerk. So, I forgive you for falling for a jerk.”
“Hisao that’s… That’s not fair.” She shrinks into the seat.
“Didn’t I just say I was a jerk? It’s only fitting.” I sit up and cross my arms.
“That doesn’t change the fact that I still left you alone in that hospital bed.” Iwanako plucks at her shirt as she says it.
I shrug. “I deserved it.”
“And it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still mad at you for moving on.” Now she’s kneading her blouse, causing wrinkles.
I lower my arms back onto the table and lean forwards a little. “I’ll accept that anger too.”
Iwanako launches from her chair and chops an arm to the side, much like how Shizune does to cut people off. “Damn it Hisao! Can’t you share some of the blame?”
“I’m a selfish jerk, so no.” I feel a smirk tug at my cheek.
Her arm falls and for a while, it seems like she’s trying to say something but can’t find the words. So she drops back down and sighs deeply. A period of silence passes before she says, “Then I reject your forgiveness.”
“What?” My expression flattens and I sit up.
“I said I reject your forgiveness. I will not accept empty words. We’ve had enough of those in the hospital. So until you stop being a selfish jerk and share the blame, I won’t forgive you.” Iwanako is still rubbing the neckline of her shirt, but the conviction in her voice doesn’t waver.
“Fine. I’ll admit you stopped visiting me and it hurt me and made me a little mad if it means you’ll stop blaming yourself for me being a jerk.”
A small bit of the tension manages to leave her face. “Okay. Then I accept your forgiveness.”
“And I’m still sorry.”
“I’ll only accept your apology if it means you’ll stop trying to fix everything on your own. If you want to show me that you’ve really changed from back then you’ll have to prove it by not trying to face whatever is going on with you right now alone. Deal?” Iwanako offers her free hand across the table.
I smile, then take it in my own. “Deal.”
Whatever I’m facing right now, huh?
Our hands part and we sit in silence. Iwanako stops pulling at her shirt and rests both her arms in her lap, then looks off into the distance. I do the same, relaxing and listening to the breeze as it passes through the leaves on the trees around us and vanishes into the hum of the city, a hum that will occasionally pick up as a louder engine revs or car passes by on a closer street.
There’s something otherworldly about being out in the middle of the night. It has a weird draw to it that, without other obligations, I might have taken advantage of more.
“Soooo~ Hisao…”
“Yes?”
“About this girl I keep hearing about.”
“Ah- yeah, I guess you weren’t here for that. And you did ask for updates in that letter so I do owe you the full story.” I chuckle to myself, “I must have a type, because the first time I met Emi…”
I tell her the lengthy tale as well. She asks some similar questions to Mai, and gives equal disappointment to my lack of answers, but mostly just listens intently. I even decide to tell her a little bit about some of the struggles we faced. Not all the specifics, but just enough so she can see how her letter helped. Eventually I get to the part of the story where we make up, and while I leave out the part with Emi’s dad’s grave, the impact is there.
Iwanako yawns and it strikes me how tired I am as well. We decide it's best if we call it a night there. We’ll have plenty more time to talk in the next week before they all return to school. I never realized until now that Yamaku starts and ends summer much later than other schools.
She decides to walk me back to make sure I get home safe, which feels wrong in so many ways, but given my condition I let her. It’s not like I can do anything to stop her, anyways. When we get to my house I see my parents’ cars are still not back, not that I expected them to be this early in the night.
We say goodbye and Iwanako turns to leave. Then I get a crazy idea and call her back before she gets too much farther.
“Yeah?”
“Why don’t you all come up to Yamaku and I can introduce you to Emi?” I ask.
“What? You sure you want to introduce your ex to your girlfriend?”
“No, but I do want her to meet my friends,” I correct. “All of them.”
“Sure it’ll be okay?”
“I’ll have to ask her, but I’m certain I can swing it.”
“Okay… I guess I’d like that then!” Iwanako smiles.
“Great, I’ll get the others in on it too!”
She leaves for the night, and I return to my room. My phone says it’s only a little after midnight, which means there’s a fair chance Emi is still awake, so I text her.
Me: ‘Hey, you up?’
Emi: ‘yep. cant sleep. howd it go?’
Me: ‘alot happened. call me?’
Emi: ‘uhh sure. cant talk much though. moms asleep’
Emi calls and we talk for a bit in hushed whispers. She's relieved to hear things went as well as they did with my friends but before long, we're both yawning.
“Talk to you tomorrow?” I ask.
“Of course! Good night! I love you!”
“Love you too!”
It's almost one by the time I crawl into bed and sleep comes quickly when I do.
My eyes creak open to a still dark room. I let my head fall to the side. The clock reads some time after five. I really shouldn’t be up, and my brain is yelling at me for even thinking this much, but even after multiple attempts I can’t get my eyes to stay closed again.
I don't think I need to use the bathroom but I decide to try. I'm already up, and the walk might do me some good. Emphasis on might: I'll probably walk back and forth across the house to no end, then lie awake in bed for another hour before finally getting back to sleep. Then, with nowhere to go in the morning, I'll sleep in again. That would line up nicely with how the rest of the week's been going. Lying here is getting nowhere either way so I sit up, stretch, and leave my room.
When I reach the bathroom door - still rubbing my eyes - hushed voices come from the kitchen. I was certain Mom and Dad would be home and in bed by now, but that’s definitely them talking. Damn, I had even taken the extra steps to be quiet around their room.
I take the opportunity to detour to the other bathroom downstairs. Just as I’m about to start walking down I hear mention of Emi’s name and stop on the spot. My gut reaction is to eavesdrop, which makes me feel bad, but only for a moment.
Only for a moment.
Damn, was I always like this? Sneaking around and listening in to conversations I know I shouldn’t like some sort of… Whatever. What are they talking about anyways?
“...it's just-” Mom’s voice, somber.
“I know. We already talked about the possibility when we signed him up for that school in the first place.” Dad, monotone. Are they talking about Yamaku? Why’d I hear Emi’s name? What possibility?
Mom sighs deeply. “She’s a fine girl, and from what Hisao’s said it’s clear she’s got drive and ambition and everything else we’ve ever wanted for him, but I can’t help it.”
A pause. I think I hear someone scratching their hair, then Dad says, “It’s not like it’s something that bad though, like being blind or deaf, or I don’t know, terminal?” My blood runs cold and my fingers dig into my palms.
Are they really worrying about this? I have classmates who live those realities and my parents are talking about it like it's an inconvenience for us, like it’ll ruin me if I even dare associate with them. If they were this worried about me meeting people like that - like me - at Yamaku why did they even send me there in the first place? I mean shit, they’ve-
My internal rant is cut off when they continue. “I know Yuju. I know, but think about the looks he’ll get. The rumors. When they see he’s with someone…”
Stop.
“I think he’ll be fine. He’ll still be going to interviews and work alone; they won’t be attached at the hip.”
I never understood the urge to punch a wall until this moment. It looks really, really punchable right now and maybe the pain would calm me down.
I hear a shakiness in Mom’s voice and a chill runs down my spine. “I just… want him to have a normal, happy life. He could’ve had that with-”
“Didn’t that possibility die when she sent him to the hospital?” I grit my teeth and it takes all my willpower to keep my fists at my side.
Stop already.
A moment later Mom continues, “That’s not fair to her. We’ve already talked about this.”
He sighs. “Fine. But it doesn’t change that the chance at normal life ended for him that day. You see the laundry list of pills he has to take? Twice a day even! That’s… not normal.”
Please, just fucking stop!
“But it’s not like he’s missing limbs!” She pauses for some time and I take the chance to try and calm myself. It doesn’t work. In a quieter voice, “No one will know, not until he tells them or until they see his scars. He’d get by just fine if it weren’t for…”
They’re really not gonna stop, are they?
Fine. I’ve had enough of this. They don’t get to leave me to fend for myself for years just to turn around and not only choose what school I graduate from, but who I get to keep in my life.
What business is it of theirs anyways. I’m the one that has to live with this. Me. Not them. They can’t just…
Before I know it I’m staring right at Mom from the base of the stairs and she’s staring at me. Her eyes widen and Dad turns and freezes too.
Yeah, I heard you.
I do my best to keep my face neutral but I have no idea if I’m succeeding or not. We stare at each other for a few moments then both my parents try to say something.
“Hicchan! I-”
“We were just-”
“Bathroom. Sorry.” I blow past them and charge to the bathroom.
Once inside I promptly lock the door behind me, then press my ear against it. Their voices are indistinguishable and quiet, but they aren’t chasing me, thankfully. Hopefully they get the message and go to bed.
Moving to the sink, I splash some cold water on my face hoping the shock will help me calm down. I lean on the sink, gripping it so tightly that my knuckles turn as white as the porcelain. Dimly, it occurs to me that something’s wrong because I can't feel my fingers at all, neither pain nor pressure nor cold…
My head spins as my ears pick up a new sound: my heartbeat. I freeze. It’s not terribly loud right now. The pinching sensation is barely perceptible, but it seems to grow as soon as I notice it. I need to control this right now, so I close my eyes and start my breathing exercises.
The feeling passes after about thirty seconds but I keep going for a while longer, just to be sure. Nurse’s words come to mind, ‘That breathing exercise I taught you was meant, primarily, to help you control your emotions.’ Well, go ahead and gloat. It worked. I sigh and lower my hand from my chest.
Nothing like a life threatening scare to take the anger out of you. I stand up from the toilet - I don’t know when I sat down - and look in the mirror. My face is a little more pale than usual, but it's quickly returning to normal. Listening to my heartbeat tells me it’s returning to normal - or at least my normal. My fingers are sore, and still wet, alongside parts of my shirt from clutching at it earlier. My hands are still shaking, but that’s probably just the nerves at this point.
After I know I’m safe, the exhaustion takes over and my eyelids turn to lead. Guess it’s time to get back to bed.
And now that I’ve ‘calmed down’ I finally get a moment to reflect on what all just happened. What I did. Would it have been better to just sneak off back to bed? Or maybe feign ignorance and play it off like I was sleepy and needed to go to the bathroom?
Well, whatever… What’s done is done.
To keep the story I haphazardly gave my parents alive, I flush, redundantly wash my hands, dry my face, then leave. The kitchen is empty when I pass by. I step on the loud floorboard as I go to my room.
I’m done with tonight.
Table of Contents | Previous Scene: Scene 2: A Trickle Turns in a Stream. A Stream into a River. A River into… | Next Scene: Scene 4: One Step Forward
After the longest break yet (and being honest, there will probably be longer ones as a result of life, but hopefully not every time) I am back with another rather lengthy chapter in Uncertainty. Though not quite as long as Scene 2, this one, I feel, is even more dense with all the events that take place. And you know how I previously said Scene 2 would probably be the longest for some time? Well, let me warn you Scene 4 is looking to be about the same length... whenever that comes around.
But back on topic. Get ready for number/length/whatnot rambles and if you don't care about that skip to next paragraph. Would you believe me if I said the first draft of this Scene took 6 days to write and 4 months to edit? Cause it did. And at the end of that first draft it was about 30% shorter than what it is now. On top of that, an entire section of what was originally written for this Scene, and was about 20% of it, was moved to Scene 4. This is the main reason these take so long to get out. A LOT of editing (And Scene 4 has already had more edits than any scene besides Scene 1...).
Speaking of editing, I'd once again like to give a major thanks to Stiles for the immense amount of work he's put into this Scene and the story as a whole. I'd also like to give a shout-out to SilentFrost (AKA Rob) and Talmar for giving feedback on a section of this Scene that I was struggling with. I hope the both of you like the final product! And I hope everyone here enjoyed reading! See you in the next one!
Thanks for that kind words. I can't take all the credit for the work put into this story. My editor, Stiles, has put a great deal of effort into helping me improve my writing,
That's quite the compliment! Thanks!
Hope that the future installments only improve your opinion on the story!
