Re: Can You Remember Me? An Amnesiac Story
Posted: Fri May 01, 2015 8:45 pm
Can You Remember Me? Chapter 11
I never thought I would find myself at the Shanghai again. It doesn’t serve the most legendary coffee known to man, and the atmosphere is too relaxed for comfort. I think it may be the fact that there are almost never any customers to be found, especially this early.
Misha should have planned this better… she never gave me a time to be here, so I came right when it opened… two hours ago and three coffees later. I’m even considering having some cake while I’m here, even though it would drain my nearly-empty wallet.
Today is a somewhat miraculous day- right after such an eventful day, I’ve seemed to retain most of it in my head. I even kept this specific place and time in mind, with a specific person… impressive to say the least.
Okay, maybe I’m giving myself too much credit. Miki walked me here before her morning practice, since the only way I found this place the first time was by accident...
Before she left, she said something along the lines of “I’ll never conform to this place!” and stormed off, her stumped hand swinging defiantly in the wind.
Yuuko yelled at me about the library books I need to return right when I walked in… I actually wrote it down immediately. Sometimes I bring a small marker on days where it feels like I’m going to learn something important. If she would only get here already; if I felt a little nervous about this meeting, it died during the two hours of waiting. Like being excited for a rollercoaster, only to find yourself in a line that tests your sanity.
“Heeeeey!” A shrill voice breaks my listless thoughts. I see a pair of fancy pink drills bouncing towards me; does she have to curl that every morning? And how does it come out so perfect?
I wave to her. “Hi, Misha.” My tone gives off a slight annoyance, although I only half-intend it. Of course, Misha doesn’t notice. Sometimes, she’s air-headed. Other times, sharp as a knife. This is an air-headed time.
“Wow~! You remembered!” She sits across from me, picking up the menu laying in front of her. She flips right to the back, where the desserts are listed. Sweets, this early in the morning? “I know you have trouble with names!”
Okay, maybe not so air-headed. I pick up my third cup of coffee, which is already halfway empty. “I do… am I that famous?”
I know I’m not, especially in a school with an improper limb count. I mean that in the nicest way possible. But I am curious as to how Misha knows.
Misha looks up from her menu, her brown eyes giving off a sense of happiness. “I’m glad you asked. It’s why we’re meeting here today~!” She looks back down at her pictures of sweets, calling over Yuuko from across the room. “Yuuko!! A strawberry cake~!”
Yuuko wakes up from her slumped podium position. A quick look at Misha and she hustles into the kitchen, not bothering to ask if Misha wanted anything else. Wow… Misha must come here quite often.
I stir my coffee with the small spoon I’ve used for all three cups. The steam rises up, and Misha watches curiously. “Hmm. Is coffee really that good~?”
I take it as a joke. I mean, who’s never had coffee before. Right? “It’s my favorite!” I say enthusiastically, although I didn’t mean to be that overbearing. “…Let me guess.
Tea?”
Misha looks like someone just tickled her with a feather. “Wahaha~!! That’s right!” I make a mental note of her Team preference; this will probably come up one day. She continues after she finishes laughing. “I’ve never even had coffee.”
I think my pupils dilated. Never… had… coffee? Does not compute. I don’t think I’ve heard a more tragic thing in my life. “Yuuko! Two coffees!” I practically yell, and I hear a metallic crash from the kitchen soon after. Well, at least I know she heard me.
While Yuuko gets busy, Misha changes the subject. “Anyway, I don’t have much time to talk. I have some Student Council things to do today~”
I finish my coffee, knowing that Yuuko is coming with another refill soon. “I’m ready when you are.”
To be completely honest, that nervous feeling has come back. Not even all of the coffee in the world can drown out this anxiety… I’m pretty sure coffee causes anxiety, but I’m not going to explore the negative effects of such a heavenly drink.
Misha leans forward, head rested on her hands, her large smile persisting. “In a nutshell, Seiki… You forgot us.”
A second of silence.
Yuuko comes out with a delicious-looking cake and two cups caught in her balancing act. As she sets everything down, Misha preemptively stabs through her cake with unseen enthusiasm. Yuuko gives me a worried look as the empty cups begin to accumulate; she very shortly takes her leave after gauging my silence.
Forget? Forget what….? I’m really starting to hate that word. It seems to include the entirety of my life. I shake my head, and take a sip of coffee. It’s all I can do to keep me from fidgeting. “What… did I forget?”
Misha finishes her bite of cake and wipes her mouth before speaking. “Me and Shicchan~.”
I stare deep into my coffee, the reflective surface forcing me to stare right back at myself. I take what Misha said as me forgetting a certain event involving them. I comb my mind for anything except yesterday involving them… nothing particularly come to mind.
Nothing.
I wrack my brain as Misha calmly eats through her strawberry cake. I find it strange how nonchalant she is; especially how plainly she speaks about it.
I avoid looking at Misha; to be honest, I’m scared to look. What if I find honesty in her eyes? I still want to believe this is just an elaborate ruse.
Misha finishes her cake almost as quickly as it came to the table; now, she’s looking longingly at the coffee in front of her. She reaches for it… is she going to drink it black?
I stop her hand somewhat automatically. The black coffee remains undisturbed as I yell to Yuuko a few steps away. “Three sugars, two creams!”
Three sugars… two creams? Did I just guess that?
I still have Misha’s arm gripped in my hand, but she offers no resistance. She only smiles after hearing what I said to Yuuko. Not a regular smile.
Her smile is pained, as if the front she’s been putting up until now has been broken. By what, I’m not sure. Misha’s arm becomes limp in my grip. For possibly the first time ever, she speaks to me quietly.
“See? You didn’t forget that….”
Her voice is just as pained as it is fragile. I don’t find any words to say as Misha continues.
“You used to order for me… Three sugars… Two creams.”
Three sugars. Two creams.
Three sugars. Two creams.
Three sugars. Two-
A jolt of pain splits down my head. I quickly let go of Misha’s arm to hold my own head as it trembles. It hurts. It hurts more than ever before; every few seconds a pulse of heat burns through my head, each worse than the one before.
I dizzily get up just as Yuuko comes to the table with… three sugars and—I have to get out of here. I need to leave before this headache kills me. I need air I need water I need space I need—
Before I realize it, I’ve already left the Shanghai, breathless and panicked. The cold air immediately calms me down, but my head still feels like it’s on fire… I’m not sure why. This usually only happens when some memory comes back immediately, but I don’t have a clue what memory that could be. It’s unusual, but… the pain is the bigger issue right now.
I take a few steps and try to walk it off, taking deep breaths and pacing around aimlessly. I would do anything to go home right now.
The sun is shining brightly—annoyingly so. The street is amazingly empty, save for a parked car down the street… not a single pedestrian. I can see the hill where Yamaku lies on my right; it sticks out like a sore thumb compared to the town under it.
I don’t dare to walk it. I’ll just get helplessly lost. And I don’t want to see Misha. I just can’t right now…
I take a few cautious steps down the street, one hand still on my forehead as if it will relieve some of the pain. As long as I stay in town, walking around shouldn’t be that dangerous… maybe I’ll run into someone I know.
…
…
I walk around for a few hours, just staring off into space as my legs move on their own. At least my headache has calmed down, even if I have no idea where I am. Some slight optimism has returned, too.
I end up in a small, grassy park—a few benches are scattered among the trees, and a concrete sidewalk surrounds a body of water in the middle. It’s peaceful, but sleepy as well. Suzu would definitely fall asleep here.
Maybe I should call her? I check my sleeve for the usual numbers… Suzu’s number is there, slightly faded.
And yet… no phone. Just some nice trees. Fresh air. The distance this park has from the outside world is staggering. This small pocket of non-reality is a beautiful place; my headache begins to clear just by standing in it.
Maybe I don’t have to talk to anyone. I can just sit here, where memories have no relevance, and get away from it all. Not such a bad idea. Actually, this is the same feeling I get when I use my telescope. I never thought I would find any other place that could do that. A certain lightness, like I don’t have to exist. Not existing means not worrying, too.
I sit on the bench closest to the water, reflecting back the bright sky. I kick my feet like a child. It feels like the right thing to do… I’m acting like one.
There’s something about coming here. Cleansing. That’s not really the right word… cleansing means that there is a substance left afterward that has been purified. This is more like erasing. Nothing gets to remain afterward.
…
…
What was I doing this morning?
…
…
Strange. I usually don’t erase memories by choice. But I know I just chose to forget that. How…? I look around the park; something must be going on here. This is a trick.
Maybe if I can remember again, I can prove I didn’t just erase it right now…
But I still find nothing. All that remains is the knowledge that I CHOSE to delete that. I fought the wind…
I begin to scare myself. Have I always been able to erase memories at will? No… that was the first time.
Maybe it’s the park. I stand up immediately, now afraid to even stand in its vicinity. I half-jog out of the circle of trees until I end up on the street again.
I must look like a mess. Running, even that short of a distance, has me catching my breath. I forgot to fix my arm sleeve, and I’m looking around like an idiot because I have no idea where I am. My eyes are probably struck with fear, too. At myself. I know I run away from my problems, but… simply deleting them?
I fix what can be fixed first; I adjust my arm sleeve, ruffle my hair back into place, and calm down. I begin walking because standing around is going to solve nothing… I try to ignore the fear for now.
I see a now-familiar building in front of me. Hours later… and I’m back at the Shanghai. I shake my head in disappointment… it’s just annoying that I would have to end up
here of all places. My head begins to hurt, but I’m not sure why. I would avoid this place if I could, but… I know Yuuko is in there. And I know she can get me back to Yamaku.
“Yuuko?” I say loudly into the tea house, without taking a step in. Each step makes me dizzier; I can’t imagine actually walking inside. “Are you there?”
I stand outside, peering in for a little while. The place has a few people in it. Yuuko eventually sees me through a small window and comes outside. Her waitress outfit is out of place in the open air. “Seiki? Did you need me for something?”
My head is thumping at this point. “I need to go home…” I didn’t mean to sound so pathetic... but the headache is really bothering me now.
Yuuko gives me a highly concerned look. “Wait here, okay?”
I nod as Yuuko goes back inside. I stumble backwards and prop myself up against the wall of the building. Why is this headache so extreme?
Yuuko returns, dressed more normally. Wait a minute. “Did you just…?”
She puts her hand on my shoulder. “I have plenty of sick days saved up. Let’s go!”
She walks past me, down the street I feel like I’ve been down a million times. I follow closely, masking my pain. Each step I take away from the Shanghai clears my headache slightly.
A few more twists and turns, and I feel comfortable enough to talk; it seems as if Yuuko had been waiting for me to say something first. And I do have something to ask.
“Hey, Yuuko?” I say as we both walk briskly. “Do I go to the Shanghai a lot…?” I ask out of curiosity for my headache.
Yuuko doesn’t look anywhere but forward. “You used to, quite often. Until a year ago, when you suddenly stopped coming...” she takes a small pause. “You used to come just to visit!”
I blink a few times, processing the information. I honestly don’t remember going to the Shanghai more than twice. “Umm… weird question.”
Yuuko tenses up, her walking more stiff and nervous. “What is it?”
A small moment of silence passes before I ask. “Could I have forgotten something important about the Shanghai…?”
We’re now on the hill that leads to Yamaku. Nothing but a single road uphill is left to go. Yuuko is obviously confused, and a little reluctant to answer. “Umm… I don’t-“
I press on, even though I’m not sure she has the answer I’m looking for. “Please, Yuuko.”
Yuuko immediately loses all of her tension, as if something I said just assured her. She smiles and puts her hand in her purse, pulling out a wallet. “Okay, Seiki. Here.”
Yuuko takes a piece of paper from her wallet. It seems empty…
She hands me the paper as we finish walking up the hill, with Yamaku just down the road, in eyesight. I’m too nervous to talk. She puts her wallet back in her purse. “Flip it over.”
I fumble the small, but rigid square of paper in my hand. My hand slowly turns it over…
It’s a picture…
It’s the Shanghai…
A group of girls smiling with Yuuko…
...
It’s Shizune, Misha, and me.
...
I wind up at the top of the girl’s dorm, telescope in hand. Yuuko walked me to the entrance of the school, said goodbye, and turned around. We didn’t talk after she handed me the picture. She stayed silent, and so did I.
Yuuko. She knew. Shizune knew, too. So did Misha.
The only one left in the dark was… me. Seiki. Poor, stupid Seiki; I could have lived my entire life not knowing... I wonder if the three of them would be just fine with that.
My life isn’t my own anymore. I used to think that it was my own life to live…. that the holes in it were just blank spaces that couldn’t change me.
The picture flutters slightly in the breeze, but I’m gripping on it tightly. Misha and Yuuko are bent around my thumb, out of sight. Small creases are showing up on Shizune’s face, and a few on mine.
The headache is back. It’s become less of a pain and more of a fuzzy nuisance. It gets worse as I stare at the photo.
This isn’t even the worst part. We’re in yukatas… That could only mean one thing at Yamaku.
It was last year’s school festival… which I had no idea I actually went to. This photo obviously has a better grasp on my life than I do. I went to the Shanghai that night…
According to Yuuko, almost every night.
I put the photo away and take a deep breath, eyeing my telescope. It’s set up and everything. The sun has already come and gone for today…
The stars are calling for me, just a lens away. But…
I know what that telescope means now.
The tranquility at that park showed me.
…
…
…
“Hey, Seiki…*yawn.*” My thoughts are interrupted by Suzu, now on the roof after trudging slowly up the stairs. “A little early for Astronomy Club…”
My stare-down with my telescope ends, and I meet the green eyes of my friend instead. My eyes are slightly wet… I’m sure she can tell.
Suzu immediately reacts to seeing my face. Her voice raises into concern, and she rushes to my side in the fastest I have ever seen her. “Seiki? What’s wrong?”
She shakes me slightly, but I remain stiff and refuse to answer.
…
Did she know?
…
The thought brings my blood to a boil. Suzu continues to try and console me.
…
“Did you know, too?” I say, coldly. They’re the only words that came out of my mouth, out of the many I wanted to yell.
Suzu mouths the word “what” before noticing the photo in my hand. She blinks a few times… a panicked look… and she’s simply standing there, now.
I repeat the question, just as coldly. “Did you know?” I begin to shake a little, my shoes tapping on the cold floor.
I wait. And she waits, too. Even the wind that usually plagues this rooftop has died down.
…
…
“Yeah, Seiki. I knew.” She speaks not with the sleepy haze as usual, but with a sharp matter-of-factness.
…
How could you?
…
I want to ask, but the words refuse. Suzu’s arms fall down to her side, and she looks down at our feet. I take a few steps back, not wanting to even dignify an exchange of
sympathy. Suzu…
She breaks the silence. “I’m sorry, Seiki… it’s just…”
I stop walking, and listen.
She breathes wildly, and I can see the tears start to flow. “… I didn’t know how…” Her voice is weak, but the dead silence of the roof still lets me hear her. “… That night,
when you read the pamphlet to me… I was so close. So close to just finally telling you...”
Suzu wipes her face with her sleeve. “…But I wanted just one more night… with the Seiki I knew…”
…
…
I clench my fist.
“The Seiki you knew? Was that me? Or was that the Seiki YOU wanted?”
Angry, contempt thoughts flood my brain. I would have been someone completely different. Who knows?! I could have been laughing it up with Misha and Shizune! I could have had something! Anything! And yet…
Suzu hears my poisonous words and reacts like she’s been stabbed. “Seiki…”
I don’t let her continue a single word longer. “Who are you talking to?! Your Seiki, or me?!”
I walk backwards farther and farther away, as Suzu remains in place… I walk back until my back hits the fence of the rooftop, making metallic noises that cut the silence.
I have just one more thing to say.
…
The only one here on the rooftop with me is Suzu… but I’m speaking to an infinite number of things. I want to ask everyone. I want to know. I need to know. I’d ask myself, if I knew.
…
“Who am I?”
…
…
Without a second thought, I look to my side. The telescope is there, just waiting for me to peer in. Right now, the thought is more enticing than it has ever been. Just look, Seiki… It’s easy.
Just look…
No more headaches…
No more drama…
Just you, and the stars…
There’s something I know.
I figured out the secret... of that park, of this telescope…
In that telescope, in the calmness of space…
In my escape from this world…
Is where I can choose what to forget.
I never thought I would find myself at the Shanghai again. It doesn’t serve the most legendary coffee known to man, and the atmosphere is too relaxed for comfort. I think it may be the fact that there are almost never any customers to be found, especially this early.
Misha should have planned this better… she never gave me a time to be here, so I came right when it opened… two hours ago and three coffees later. I’m even considering having some cake while I’m here, even though it would drain my nearly-empty wallet.
Today is a somewhat miraculous day- right after such an eventful day, I’ve seemed to retain most of it in my head. I even kept this specific place and time in mind, with a specific person… impressive to say the least.
Okay, maybe I’m giving myself too much credit. Miki walked me here before her morning practice, since the only way I found this place the first time was by accident...
Before she left, she said something along the lines of “I’ll never conform to this place!” and stormed off, her stumped hand swinging defiantly in the wind.
Yuuko yelled at me about the library books I need to return right when I walked in… I actually wrote it down immediately. Sometimes I bring a small marker on days where it feels like I’m going to learn something important. If she would only get here already; if I felt a little nervous about this meeting, it died during the two hours of waiting. Like being excited for a rollercoaster, only to find yourself in a line that tests your sanity.
“Heeeeey!” A shrill voice breaks my listless thoughts. I see a pair of fancy pink drills bouncing towards me; does she have to curl that every morning? And how does it come out so perfect?
I wave to her. “Hi, Misha.” My tone gives off a slight annoyance, although I only half-intend it. Of course, Misha doesn’t notice. Sometimes, she’s air-headed. Other times, sharp as a knife. This is an air-headed time.
“Wow~! You remembered!” She sits across from me, picking up the menu laying in front of her. She flips right to the back, where the desserts are listed. Sweets, this early in the morning? “I know you have trouble with names!”
Okay, maybe not so air-headed. I pick up my third cup of coffee, which is already halfway empty. “I do… am I that famous?”
I know I’m not, especially in a school with an improper limb count. I mean that in the nicest way possible. But I am curious as to how Misha knows.
Misha looks up from her menu, her brown eyes giving off a sense of happiness. “I’m glad you asked. It’s why we’re meeting here today~!” She looks back down at her pictures of sweets, calling over Yuuko from across the room. “Yuuko!! A strawberry cake~!”
Yuuko wakes up from her slumped podium position. A quick look at Misha and she hustles into the kitchen, not bothering to ask if Misha wanted anything else. Wow… Misha must come here quite often.
I stir my coffee with the small spoon I’ve used for all three cups. The steam rises up, and Misha watches curiously. “Hmm. Is coffee really that good~?”
I take it as a joke. I mean, who’s never had coffee before. Right? “It’s my favorite!” I say enthusiastically, although I didn’t mean to be that overbearing. “…Let me guess.
Tea?”
Misha looks like someone just tickled her with a feather. “Wahaha~!! That’s right!” I make a mental note of her Team preference; this will probably come up one day. She continues after she finishes laughing. “I’ve never even had coffee.”
I think my pupils dilated. Never… had… coffee? Does not compute. I don’t think I’ve heard a more tragic thing in my life. “Yuuko! Two coffees!” I practically yell, and I hear a metallic crash from the kitchen soon after. Well, at least I know she heard me.
While Yuuko gets busy, Misha changes the subject. “Anyway, I don’t have much time to talk. I have some Student Council things to do today~”
I finish my coffee, knowing that Yuuko is coming with another refill soon. “I’m ready when you are.”
To be completely honest, that nervous feeling has come back. Not even all of the coffee in the world can drown out this anxiety… I’m pretty sure coffee causes anxiety, but I’m not going to explore the negative effects of such a heavenly drink.
Misha leans forward, head rested on her hands, her large smile persisting. “In a nutshell, Seiki… You forgot us.”
A second of silence.
Yuuko comes out with a delicious-looking cake and two cups caught in her balancing act. As she sets everything down, Misha preemptively stabs through her cake with unseen enthusiasm. Yuuko gives me a worried look as the empty cups begin to accumulate; she very shortly takes her leave after gauging my silence.
Forget? Forget what….? I’m really starting to hate that word. It seems to include the entirety of my life. I shake my head, and take a sip of coffee. It’s all I can do to keep me from fidgeting. “What… did I forget?”
Misha finishes her bite of cake and wipes her mouth before speaking. “Me and Shicchan~.”
I stare deep into my coffee, the reflective surface forcing me to stare right back at myself. I take what Misha said as me forgetting a certain event involving them. I comb my mind for anything except yesterday involving them… nothing particularly come to mind.
Nothing.
I wrack my brain as Misha calmly eats through her strawberry cake. I find it strange how nonchalant she is; especially how plainly she speaks about it.
I avoid looking at Misha; to be honest, I’m scared to look. What if I find honesty in her eyes? I still want to believe this is just an elaborate ruse.
Misha finishes her cake almost as quickly as it came to the table; now, she’s looking longingly at the coffee in front of her. She reaches for it… is she going to drink it black?
I stop her hand somewhat automatically. The black coffee remains undisturbed as I yell to Yuuko a few steps away. “Three sugars, two creams!”
Three sugars… two creams? Did I just guess that?
I still have Misha’s arm gripped in my hand, but she offers no resistance. She only smiles after hearing what I said to Yuuko. Not a regular smile.
Her smile is pained, as if the front she’s been putting up until now has been broken. By what, I’m not sure. Misha’s arm becomes limp in my grip. For possibly the first time ever, she speaks to me quietly.
“See? You didn’t forget that….”
Her voice is just as pained as it is fragile. I don’t find any words to say as Misha continues.
“You used to order for me… Three sugars… Two creams.”
Three sugars. Two creams.
Three sugars. Two creams.
Three sugars. Two-
A jolt of pain splits down my head. I quickly let go of Misha’s arm to hold my own head as it trembles. It hurts. It hurts more than ever before; every few seconds a pulse of heat burns through my head, each worse than the one before.
I dizzily get up just as Yuuko comes to the table with… three sugars and—I have to get out of here. I need to leave before this headache kills me. I need air I need water I need space I need—
Before I realize it, I’ve already left the Shanghai, breathless and panicked. The cold air immediately calms me down, but my head still feels like it’s on fire… I’m not sure why. This usually only happens when some memory comes back immediately, but I don’t have a clue what memory that could be. It’s unusual, but… the pain is the bigger issue right now.
I take a few steps and try to walk it off, taking deep breaths and pacing around aimlessly. I would do anything to go home right now.
The sun is shining brightly—annoyingly so. The street is amazingly empty, save for a parked car down the street… not a single pedestrian. I can see the hill where Yamaku lies on my right; it sticks out like a sore thumb compared to the town under it.
I don’t dare to walk it. I’ll just get helplessly lost. And I don’t want to see Misha. I just can’t right now…
I take a few cautious steps down the street, one hand still on my forehead as if it will relieve some of the pain. As long as I stay in town, walking around shouldn’t be that dangerous… maybe I’ll run into someone I know.
…
…
I walk around for a few hours, just staring off into space as my legs move on their own. At least my headache has calmed down, even if I have no idea where I am. Some slight optimism has returned, too.
I end up in a small, grassy park—a few benches are scattered among the trees, and a concrete sidewalk surrounds a body of water in the middle. It’s peaceful, but sleepy as well. Suzu would definitely fall asleep here.
Maybe I should call her? I check my sleeve for the usual numbers… Suzu’s number is there, slightly faded.
And yet… no phone. Just some nice trees. Fresh air. The distance this park has from the outside world is staggering. This small pocket of non-reality is a beautiful place; my headache begins to clear just by standing in it.
Maybe I don’t have to talk to anyone. I can just sit here, where memories have no relevance, and get away from it all. Not such a bad idea. Actually, this is the same feeling I get when I use my telescope. I never thought I would find any other place that could do that. A certain lightness, like I don’t have to exist. Not existing means not worrying, too.
I sit on the bench closest to the water, reflecting back the bright sky. I kick my feet like a child. It feels like the right thing to do… I’m acting like one.
There’s something about coming here. Cleansing. That’s not really the right word… cleansing means that there is a substance left afterward that has been purified. This is more like erasing. Nothing gets to remain afterward.
…
…
What was I doing this morning?
…
…
Strange. I usually don’t erase memories by choice. But I know I just chose to forget that. How…? I look around the park; something must be going on here. This is a trick.
Maybe if I can remember again, I can prove I didn’t just erase it right now…
But I still find nothing. All that remains is the knowledge that I CHOSE to delete that. I fought the wind…
I begin to scare myself. Have I always been able to erase memories at will? No… that was the first time.
Maybe it’s the park. I stand up immediately, now afraid to even stand in its vicinity. I half-jog out of the circle of trees until I end up on the street again.
I must look like a mess. Running, even that short of a distance, has me catching my breath. I forgot to fix my arm sleeve, and I’m looking around like an idiot because I have no idea where I am. My eyes are probably struck with fear, too. At myself. I know I run away from my problems, but… simply deleting them?
I fix what can be fixed first; I adjust my arm sleeve, ruffle my hair back into place, and calm down. I begin walking because standing around is going to solve nothing… I try to ignore the fear for now.
I see a now-familiar building in front of me. Hours later… and I’m back at the Shanghai. I shake my head in disappointment… it’s just annoying that I would have to end up
here of all places. My head begins to hurt, but I’m not sure why. I would avoid this place if I could, but… I know Yuuko is in there. And I know she can get me back to Yamaku.
“Yuuko?” I say loudly into the tea house, without taking a step in. Each step makes me dizzier; I can’t imagine actually walking inside. “Are you there?”
I stand outside, peering in for a little while. The place has a few people in it. Yuuko eventually sees me through a small window and comes outside. Her waitress outfit is out of place in the open air. “Seiki? Did you need me for something?”
My head is thumping at this point. “I need to go home…” I didn’t mean to sound so pathetic... but the headache is really bothering me now.
Yuuko gives me a highly concerned look. “Wait here, okay?”
I nod as Yuuko goes back inside. I stumble backwards and prop myself up against the wall of the building. Why is this headache so extreme?
Yuuko returns, dressed more normally. Wait a minute. “Did you just…?”
She puts her hand on my shoulder. “I have plenty of sick days saved up. Let’s go!”
She walks past me, down the street I feel like I’ve been down a million times. I follow closely, masking my pain. Each step I take away from the Shanghai clears my headache slightly.
A few more twists and turns, and I feel comfortable enough to talk; it seems as if Yuuko had been waiting for me to say something first. And I do have something to ask.
“Hey, Yuuko?” I say as we both walk briskly. “Do I go to the Shanghai a lot…?” I ask out of curiosity for my headache.
Yuuko doesn’t look anywhere but forward. “You used to, quite often. Until a year ago, when you suddenly stopped coming...” she takes a small pause. “You used to come just to visit!”
I blink a few times, processing the information. I honestly don’t remember going to the Shanghai more than twice. “Umm… weird question.”
Yuuko tenses up, her walking more stiff and nervous. “What is it?”
A small moment of silence passes before I ask. “Could I have forgotten something important about the Shanghai…?”
We’re now on the hill that leads to Yamaku. Nothing but a single road uphill is left to go. Yuuko is obviously confused, and a little reluctant to answer. “Umm… I don’t-“
I press on, even though I’m not sure she has the answer I’m looking for. “Please, Yuuko.”
Yuuko immediately loses all of her tension, as if something I said just assured her. She smiles and puts her hand in her purse, pulling out a wallet. “Okay, Seiki. Here.”
Yuuko takes a piece of paper from her wallet. It seems empty…
She hands me the paper as we finish walking up the hill, with Yamaku just down the road, in eyesight. I’m too nervous to talk. She puts her wallet back in her purse. “Flip it over.”
I fumble the small, but rigid square of paper in my hand. My hand slowly turns it over…
It’s a picture…
It’s the Shanghai…
A group of girls smiling with Yuuko…
...
It’s Shizune, Misha, and me.
...
I wind up at the top of the girl’s dorm, telescope in hand. Yuuko walked me to the entrance of the school, said goodbye, and turned around. We didn’t talk after she handed me the picture. She stayed silent, and so did I.
Yuuko. She knew. Shizune knew, too. So did Misha.
The only one left in the dark was… me. Seiki. Poor, stupid Seiki; I could have lived my entire life not knowing... I wonder if the three of them would be just fine with that.
My life isn’t my own anymore. I used to think that it was my own life to live…. that the holes in it were just blank spaces that couldn’t change me.
The picture flutters slightly in the breeze, but I’m gripping on it tightly. Misha and Yuuko are bent around my thumb, out of sight. Small creases are showing up on Shizune’s face, and a few on mine.
The headache is back. It’s become less of a pain and more of a fuzzy nuisance. It gets worse as I stare at the photo.
This isn’t even the worst part. We’re in yukatas… That could only mean one thing at Yamaku.
It was last year’s school festival… which I had no idea I actually went to. This photo obviously has a better grasp on my life than I do. I went to the Shanghai that night…
According to Yuuko, almost every night.
I put the photo away and take a deep breath, eyeing my telescope. It’s set up and everything. The sun has already come and gone for today…
The stars are calling for me, just a lens away. But…
I know what that telescope means now.
The tranquility at that park showed me.
…
…
…
“Hey, Seiki…*yawn.*” My thoughts are interrupted by Suzu, now on the roof after trudging slowly up the stairs. “A little early for Astronomy Club…”
My stare-down with my telescope ends, and I meet the green eyes of my friend instead. My eyes are slightly wet… I’m sure she can tell.
Suzu immediately reacts to seeing my face. Her voice raises into concern, and she rushes to my side in the fastest I have ever seen her. “Seiki? What’s wrong?”
She shakes me slightly, but I remain stiff and refuse to answer.
…
Did she know?
…
The thought brings my blood to a boil. Suzu continues to try and console me.
…
“Did you know, too?” I say, coldly. They’re the only words that came out of my mouth, out of the many I wanted to yell.
Suzu mouths the word “what” before noticing the photo in my hand. She blinks a few times… a panicked look… and she’s simply standing there, now.
I repeat the question, just as coldly. “Did you know?” I begin to shake a little, my shoes tapping on the cold floor.
I wait. And she waits, too. Even the wind that usually plagues this rooftop has died down.
…
…
“Yeah, Seiki. I knew.” She speaks not with the sleepy haze as usual, but with a sharp matter-of-factness.
…
How could you?
…
I want to ask, but the words refuse. Suzu’s arms fall down to her side, and she looks down at our feet. I take a few steps back, not wanting to even dignify an exchange of
sympathy. Suzu…
She breaks the silence. “I’m sorry, Seiki… it’s just…”
I stop walking, and listen.
She breathes wildly, and I can see the tears start to flow. “… I didn’t know how…” Her voice is weak, but the dead silence of the roof still lets me hear her. “… That night,
when you read the pamphlet to me… I was so close. So close to just finally telling you...”
Suzu wipes her face with her sleeve. “…But I wanted just one more night… with the Seiki I knew…”
…
…
I clench my fist.
“The Seiki you knew? Was that me? Or was that the Seiki YOU wanted?”
Angry, contempt thoughts flood my brain. I would have been someone completely different. Who knows?! I could have been laughing it up with Misha and Shizune! I could have had something! Anything! And yet…
Suzu hears my poisonous words and reacts like she’s been stabbed. “Seiki…”
I don’t let her continue a single word longer. “Who are you talking to?! Your Seiki, or me?!”
I walk backwards farther and farther away, as Suzu remains in place… I walk back until my back hits the fence of the rooftop, making metallic noises that cut the silence.
I have just one more thing to say.
…
The only one here on the rooftop with me is Suzu… but I’m speaking to an infinite number of things. I want to ask everyone. I want to know. I need to know. I’d ask myself, if I knew.
…
“Who am I?”
…
…
Without a second thought, I look to my side. The telescope is there, just waiting for me to peer in. Right now, the thought is more enticing than it has ever been. Just look, Seiki… It’s easy.
Just look…
No more headaches…
No more drama…
Just you, and the stars…
There’s something I know.
I figured out the secret... of that park, of this telescope…
In that telescope, in the calmness of space…
In my escape from this world…
Is where I can choose what to forget.
