Convoluted toughts (Hanako, still)

[Ascended Flutist]

'sup.

So those are words, I guess you would call it a 'one shot'.
They were sparked by this topic in which I lurked to help with my characterization of Hanako.


Hanako couldn't stop fidgeting in her bed. She couldn't stop thinking about what Hisao did today.
Today, Hisao unbuttoned his shirt in her room, so as to show her the scar left by his heart surgery.
I all felt so strange and surreal to her.

What did he mean by that ?

Maybe it was yet another of his white-knighting displays. The dashing champion showing the fragile princess his achille's heel to make her feel better.
But it could be something else. It could be a genuine attempt at connecting with her more.
She could still feel the smooth texture of his skin in her fingertips. She'd been so enthralled by this moment.

Damn it Hisao, why do you keep being so unclear ?

All he had done was sending her mixed messages. She couldn't tell if his view on her stopped at the weak, broken girl to serve and protect for his self-satisfaction, or if there was something more.
That night, at the jazz club, he told her he wanted to protect her. At least he'd been blunt about it. And, of course, there was the general way he'd been behaving around her for a while.
But there were also those strange moments she couldn't interpret. Like the day he decided to spend the afternoon in town with her. Or the day he met up with her in a café, and even bought her a small gift.
She'd probed him a little, asking him about the waitress he'd been eyeing a bit. Even then, she didn't know what to make of his answer. Had he been vague because he was interested in her, or because he thought a straightforward answer about the waitress being attractive might somehow break the porcelain doll he thought she was ?

Porcelain doll...

She remembered her 'birthday party'. She remembered him accompanying her drunk self into her room. Intoxicated as she was, she even tried to make a move, but he backed off.
She felt terrible afterwards, and the hangover was only partially to blame.
Did he back off because his fear of breaking her overcame his desire, or because he had no desire of her to begin with ?
All these unanswered questions, and now this...

I can't keep going like this, she thought. This is driving me crazy. I need to know. I need to know if he likes me. What if he liked me ?
She couldn't help but chuckle at the mere thought. She could feel the way her sheets felt so differently on her skin and her scar tissue.
What are the chances ?

Still, I need to know. Somehow. I need to make sure. I'll have to do something.

But what if he didn't think of her that way ? What if he backed off ?
These 'what ifs' kept nagging her, to the point where a horrible feeling began to crawl in her gut.

"What if he did like me ?" she defiantly asked to the echoes in her mind.

She focused on that outcome. She imagined her and Hisao in one of the many beautiful worlds she had discovered through books. Whenever she got bored of one setting, she just chose an other and started back.
It felt good for a while, but in the end, it felt artificial.
The nagging resumed.
So she focused not on the outcome, but on her plan.

I have to force him into a situation where he would need to make his intentions known.

She could simply ask him...
No, she couldn't. Even after all this time, she was only half-comfortable talking to him. She would stutter like a broken record, and eventually he'd put on a condescending smile, and he'd tell her it was okay, she didn't need to force herself.
A crazy option popped up.
What if she reciprocated ? What if she showed him her scars ? All her scars.
She gulped at the thought.
She would have to lock the door, cutting him the easy way out. She could corner him that way, show him her scars, her body, and then...
And then, whatever happens. I don't know how this will turn out. I'll just know how he feels.

And what if he didn't like her ? The nagging continued.
This time, she had an answer. Straightforward and grim.
Then, our friendship will be over. I won't be able to salvage it. I'd be too afraid of his reaction to even try. Either he will drift away, or he'll stay and keep the white-knighting going.
I don't even know which is worse...

But it was that, or not knowing at all. And she couldn't bear the constant doubts she'd been experiencing. Not anymore.

With grim determination, she decided to make the move as soon as possible.
It could go either way.

[Beoran]

Hmmm... Interesting characterization. I'd lean a bit to her considering the sexual possibilities also, but this story is nice indeed.

[nemz]

It's plausible, sure, but I think you're not accounting for the depth of her psychological issues and making her far bolder than I expect. Agree to disagree I guess; the Hanako in my mind is not the Hanako in yours, though I'd LIKE her to move towards the way you see her and beyond.

[Ascended Flutist]

It's plausible, sure, but I think you're not accounting for the depth of her psychological issues and making her far bolder than I expect.

Maybe. But I don't think her issues are that severe, and I do think she made significant progress during her route, to the point where she indeed shows boldness.

Agree to disagree I guess; the Hanako in my mind is not the Hanako in yours.

Pretty much, although I'd be glad to hear your thoughts.

I'd lean a bit to her considering the sexual possibilities also, but this story is nice indeed.

Considering the nature of your fanfiction, I'd lie if I said I was surprised .

But thank you. Interesting is what I was shooting for.

[nemz]

Pretty much, although I'd be glad to hear your thoughts.

I think I've pretty much laid it out in the thread that inspired this, but is there any specific point you'd like me to elaborate on?

[Ascended Flutist]

I think I've pretty much laid it out in the thread that inspired this, but is there any specific point you'd like me to elaborate on?

Nevermind what I said. You indeed expressed your thoughts thoroughly in that thread. I still stand with Guest Poster and other's view on the matter, though I certainly understand your analysis.