Just to reiterate, Aaron's shares American and Japanese heritage; he lived in Japan for about seven years, went to America, and just now moved back at 18. So he does know about Japanese culture and can speak the language, he's just rusty at it. And the English part was supposed to be a joke, if you couldn't tell, lol...though I guess he was kinda over done, but, eh. And I agree the gaming sequence was kinda tossed in, so I shortened it a bit.Mealforthree wrote:
Careful reading of the text provides numerous inconsistencies and plot holes; say, for example, Mr Aaron is elaborating on the way which he claims things "usually" happen in Yamaku even though he hasn't spent a week there. The literature club was downright bullshit, sorry.
Yamaku seems to have quite a concentration of foreigners, taking into account the fact that there's only about a percent of non-Japanese people in Japan.
And then - the gaming sequence, the worst thing imaginable. That stuff is unnecessary and cringeworthy, it does not bring the realism everyone so overzealously craves. Perhaps this is a problem stemming from the previously criticised narrative style, I don't know.
If you are still not boiling with hate, I'd suggest polishing your style. I don't know how, I'd say read up some literary techniques (ice-berg principle, for example) because now, however heart-warming this story might be, it suffers from poor execution.
All the best to you, and by all means - if you want to write and improve your writing - write more.
^That's not a fucking request or pushing of the author, mods.
But I am working on the fourth chapter now, I'll try to cut down on the "Catcher in the Rye" shit and just make it shorter in general.
So any other tips about the chapter? Like I said, this is my first big story in a while, I'm definitely not perfect, lol