Mendācium (Hanako) - Version 1.1.1

[Mahorfeus]

Same to you. Frankly, I'm already seeing holes in my own argument. I'm content with leaving it at that though.

[shiro_midori]

Mm, I thought it ended well. Not happily, and not with full closure, but it didn't feel awkward or stilted. Just because it doesn't fulfill a reader's so-called "rights" to have a perfect ending emotionally doesn't mean it's lacking as a story. Saying the reader didn't get "that cathartic release" is invalid when used to justify a work of art. Maybe the point IS that Hisao can't unleash his frustrations. And saying that she "deserved" rape... just get the hell out of here. Obviously you have never even had a friend who has been violated like that, so you have no idea what it even means. No-one "deserves" rape.

[kuniqs]

Wonderfull. I had expectations and hoo boy, I wasn't dissapoint.
Very on the edge of typicall highschool drama and netorare (anime/manga genree about adult relationship fears, like adultery).
The music was also a blow of fresh air, it helped me imagine all this scenes in game format. Not a novelty but incorporated very well in the writing.
Only thing I don't like here is the typicall "it's all well now" ending. It would be obnoxiously delicious if you'd throw some implications about Hanako being really into such animal lifestyle. And Hisao having heavy troubles keeping her in check in the future Or about Hisao suspecting her doing all of this but too much a coward/healthless to act upon it. Beware the quiet, reserved ones.

I'm just sick of all those smut hanabro wish-fulfillment fanfictions here. And don't get me wrong, I'm knight for Hanako too. That was a sweet deconstruction, bravo.

[kuniqs]

She never got her just deserve punishment - throw that bullshit "she was raped" out of here - she needed to hear Hisao tell her how much she hurted him and how it'll be nearly impossible for him to ever trust her again because of the betrayal. She needed to be told how fucking dare she look down on him as a cripple after he elevated her psychologically to overcome her insecurities about her physical scarring

The basis of it is the same basis that led to her cheating in the first place, because it still hasn't been addressed in any way. He doesn't satisfy her needs and she doesn't really respect him. Nothing has changed, so why would she not eventually end up going down the same or a similar path to find what she needs elsewhere?

This.
The biggest problem here was, they were unsuited for themselves from the beggining. Hanako, as shy as she seems to be, is just a normal girl who needs thrills in her life and got bored of Hisao after few months. It's not his full fault since he really can't push much of his limits, when you consider his health. But then he cured her of her one insecurity (social/emotionall) but left the other one intact. That left her sexually repressed and feeling somehow incomplete. First mistake he made was being too dormant about the whole thing - I wouldn't be suprised if he would know about her affair from the very beggining (really, working on night for a newspaper club?), and he pretty much didn't cared (visibly) about the revelation. Another one was him counting on that everything will stay the same for a long time. He could at least do something crazy with her from time to time rather than top scoring on grades.
Ending of Bro's story appears quite disturbing to me - I prefer to think they'll turn into unhappy relationship, with him feeling inadequate most of the time and her somewhow regretting not making other choices in her life. She would stay with him since he's a good emotionall cruch in times and reliable, he'll be looking through fingers at her next adulteries.
Really, he should either move with his life singing "all good things come to end" or play hard with her - slap on the face, lecture about her having to take responsibility for her actions if she wants to be treated as a full human being, telling her to go home and think about herself, knock his door later if she wants to talk about everything and about errors they both commited. Brutal, but if she really thinks about him as a cripple she didn't really loved him at all, just played along with his advances - nothing betted to do. Confidence and power are much stronger aphrodisiacs than any dick, no matter how big.
Or, the bloody hell, take some sex ed Hisao. I heard women enjoy sex too.

I have a problem - my wife found out my posts about Hanako torture and that Rin asylum a while ago. We joked about it, everything's fine. Then, while checking irc registry, I found out she's been flirting and exchanging photos with some fat geeks on computer science channels when I was at work (she's a hobbyist programmer). We joked about it, everything's fine. I can trust myself, but should I trust her? It's hard to decide if bringing this stuff around would do any good. Anyone of you lived to tell such scenario?

Anyway, it's a very good, but not very well through out story. This happy ending just tickles off my inner beast.

[Mahorfeus]

I swear, I need to stop reading this damn thread.

[Zoram]

I'm basing my judgement on reading only bits and comments, so when I find time to read thoroughly, I may change my opinion. Anyway, I think the premise might have worked. It can happen that a boost of confidence makes people "drunk" with it, so that Hanako overestimated her newfound confidence. She might have kept meeting Tenshi afterwards because, in her insecurities, she felt "obliged" and may have also thought he really felt something for her rather than seeing her as little more than a sex toy. It already falls apart, however, because it went on for months (how is that no one noticed anything strange from Hanako?) rather than weeks, and the need to "monster up" Tenshi with the rape, which left me the impression we should sympathize with Hanako because, even if she cheated on Hisao, she was the victim of a bastard playboy. The fact she feels like reminding Hisao of him sounds like she misses Tenshi despite what he did to her, which would give a reason to be even more worried for her mental state. Beside the lack of resolution at the end (but I can accept it as an open ending), the whole suicide thing feels suspiciously like a desperate plan from Hanako to keep Hisao with her - she never wanted to kill herself and it was only a "test" to Hisao, who comes out as pathetic.

There may be a future for Hisao and Hanako, but not now. They can keep in touch but they need to go their separate ways (and Hanako to the therapist again). Sometime in the future, when they've both matured, they may meet again and who knows... They might be in the state of starting a new, better and happy relationship, or they will be the best of friends. But, I stress it, not now. In their current state, they are only set for mutual destruction.

[nemz]

She might have kept meeting Tenshi afterwards because, in her insecurities, she felt "obliged" and may have also thought he really felt something for her rather than seeing her as little more than a sex toy.

It may have started out like that, but I don't doubt she legitimately fell for the guy and just didn't know how to break things off with Hisao, or didn't want to. She's basically pulling a Lilly here, pushing problems out of sight and hoping to somehow avoid having to deal with them simply by ignoring them.

The fact she feels like reminding Hisao of him sounds like she misses Tenshi despite what he did to her, which would give a reason to be even more worried for her mental state.

I don't know about that, but I do get the feeling that what really broke her was not the rape but rather waking up the next day to find she'd been abandoned. If he'd still been there I think she'd have tried to keep things going with him, possibly just meekly accept a lack of sexual agency as the price of being with him. Being owned might seem a better alternative to feeling coddled.

[Beoran]

Being owned might seem a better alternative to feeling coddled.

This! I daresay that's a sad reality, that has made many people suffer abusive relationships. That makes this story somewhat more believable as well.

[Brogurt]

Made a couple amendments. You can see them at or you can try to pick them out on your own if you'd like. Either way, I'd advise rereading the whole thing if you have the time.

[nemz]

>>Decreased the length of Hanako's affair prior to her confession.

I'm a bit confused by this now. Was she she seeing him for a while but only started officially cheating recently, or was the whole thing just recent? If the first it was still an intentional and prolonged emotional affair, and this does go some ways towards explaining her 'not just lust' view but it does little to alleviate the depth of her betrayal. If it's the latter I don't understand how she had any time to develop these feelings or for him to have any reason to shower her with gifts.

To be honest, the whole thing about gifts still makes her sound more than a little whorish in context.

>>Added an instance in Fallout where Hisao lashes out at Hanako due to the reasons behind her affair.

This new line felt completely wrong, not just because it's sort of weirdly pointless and off-base but also because it's missing the real problem. Better would be something reprimanding her for what this says about her as a hypocritical bigot, holding all her classmates in contempt for things they can't control. Perhaps asking her what Lilly would think of such a statement, or maybe saying it's a good thing she's left the country so Hanako won't have to lower herself to accepting the friendship of a poor, pathetic little blind girl anymore.

[Brogurt]

I'm a bit confused by this now. Was she she seeing him for a while but only started officially cheating recently, or was the whole thing just recent?

I left the lines about the newspaper club in to convey that she had been going to the jazz club for a while, and had most likely known Tenshi for a while prior to the adultery. The implication is that they were simply friends for a while, then things took a dive when she decided to begin screwing him.

To be honest, the whole thing about gifts still makes her sound more than a little whorish in context.

I might take that out. I guess I forgot about it.

This new line felt completely wrong, not just because it's sort of weirdly pointless and off-base but also because it's missing the real problem.

It's meant to alleviate some characterization issues.

Better would be something reprimanding her for what this says about her as a hypocritical bigot, holding all her classmates in contempt for things they can't control. Perhaps asking her what Lilly would think of such a statement, or maybe saying it's a good thing she's left the country so Hanako won't have to lower herself to accepting the friendship of a poor, pathetic little blind girl anymore.

Duly noted

[lolawesome]

I read it again erasing all memories if the first draft

I really like it, the fact that you change how often and long Hanako cheated on Hisao made her redeemable unlike the previous version

I dont think you should remove the gifts Tenshi gave her, he's just seducing her

Im glad you included the part about Hisao telling her how dare she says he's a cripple and she felt she deserves someone better - the first draft had him not saying any of that made him border on sainthood

Edit: removing the part of her and Tenshi going at it for hours helped too - because it just made precedent that her sex drive would be completely incompatible with Hisao and that makes any chance of it working out later rather slim

[Beoran]

I'd say all in all this version is an improvement. It makes Hisao's desire to forgive her more likely too. So I liked this story even better now.

[Brogurt]

fuck you guys so much

i don't even know what the fuck

i don't know if i should laugh or if i should cry

either you're all fucking insane, or i am

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[Oddball]

Where did that come from?

Oh, and for the record, I always pictured new character guy who's name I can't remember as more "punk rock thug" and less "eight foot tall black guy".