Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[The O.H.L.]

Well Daggett, we are two very, very, very similar people. It's a little creepy how similar.
I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice, seeing as I have quite a few problems in common with you, but I'll just let you know that there are others out there that are feeling the same way.

[Slayermaster]

Loneliness...
Hm, since I was a kid I never had many friends, usually one or two at most. At the time of writing, all my friends are on the internet.
It leaves me feeling so alone, especially at night, I just wish there was someone I connected with, that understood me, and that I understood.
It's depressing, because I don't know how I'll find someone I want to grow old with, or even people to just hang out with.

Even dealing with my clinical depression feels hard, if not hopeless. I have my family, and they are very supportive, but there seems to be this wall between us, one that I don't understand but is there regardless.

I was hospitalized in December because of suicidal thoughts and other such things, that helped, a bit, but I feel as if it's a rollercoaster, swinging up and down. Some days, all is well, other days, I'm walking the streets at 1am, burning books for no reason and cutting myself. It's scary, in its own way.

It's a feeling of being lost, I want to hold onto someone, to have someone be there, to paraphrase KS, to have someone who can dry me off when I'm caught in the rain.

A sinking feelings, that no matter what I do, I can't be happy, or that I must wait for a time I do not know before I can. It's oppressive, makes the simple act of leaving my room a monumental challenge.

It hurts, and I feel as if I am weathering it alone, I know there are people out there, those that would understand me, and that I could understand, people I could grow old with. But it seems near impossible to start looking.

Sorry if this rambled, I just needed to talk about things.

[Wanderingheartache]

I know how you feel... I'm currently feeling that way too despite how many people actually surround me. I see them all together on rare weekends and when a convention trip is planned. But other than that, yeah I'm pretty much at my computer with KS or just talking to random strangers on the internet as I rarely leave my room during the week. I have never been hospitalized, I haven't taken my antidepressants for a long time because of the negative side effects that came with them, and I've never really had any thoughts of hurting myself despite having my good and bad days... so I guess we aren't entirely the same but I can still feel the same things you do. I'm not sure what to say because I haven't really fixed my "problem" yet, I have a wall that I thought was broken down because I have friends... but I only broke a single layer of many and it appears that even the people closest to my heart are still beyond reach.

To put it in a less manly way, I'm like a short haired Rapunzel... only without the witch and the daily visits from the prince. (eh, I don't know how to word it... the words aren't coming to me like they usually do. Even my initial post came more naturally than this)

[Daggett]

Dear Daggett, thank you for your story!

Sometimes, when I was younger my mind would feel like a haze, and I can recognize some of the things you describe here. To help other people, you don' t have to be a knight in shining armor or a superhero. Just be there for others. Help them in ways you can help them. But don't try to overreach.

And probably it's best to clear your own mind first. It's hard to help others when you feel helpless yourself. It's OK to ask for help when you need it.

I don't think it's possible to loose emotions altogether, but it's possible to suppress them so much they feel dead. When you play Katawa Shoujo, do you feel something? Maybe that feeling can be the beginning of getting in touch with your own feelings again?

And I'm sorry I can't say more than these few lines to encourage you, but I hope your life will get better step by step.

The things is they don't seem to care about me. And if I don't come to them and carter to them they just leave me behind. I tried an experiment once. Let's call him "Mike". Mike was my only friend since kindergarden, I would always have to set things up so we could see each other. I called him up, talked a while, then said for him to call me back. I decided that I was going to wait to see if actually did or not. Six months pasted. Nothing. Then my brother sets something up behind my back. It has been almost a year now and no returned call. It's like that with everybody.

Thanks. I am still having second thoughts about posting this. From my experiences, any sign of weakness is an open invitation for an attack.

Yes. I did feel things. Anger at some points, then sadness at others. Other times, I would feel happy for Hisao, but the it would turn to jealousy and then self-loathing most of the time. Is that normal?

Thank you, B.

[Daggett]

Well Daggett, we are two very, very, very similar people. It's a little creepy how similar.
I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice, seeing as I have quite a few problems in common with you, but I'll just let you know that there are others out there that are feeling the same way.

Thanks and I am sorry I can't help you either. But I guess, in a way, we helped each other by letting each other know that there are others like us.

[Daggett]

Loneliness...
Hm, since I was a kid I never had many friends, usually one or two at most. At the time of writing, all my friends are on the internet.
It leaves me feeling so alone, especially at night, I just wish there was someone I connected with, that understood me, and that I understood.
It's depressing, because I don't know how I'll find someone I want to grow old with, or even people to just hang out with.

Even dealing with my clinical depression feels hard, if not hopeless. I have my family, and they are very supportive, but there seems to be this wall between us, one that I don't understand but is there regardless.

I was hospitalized in December because of suicidal thoughts and other such things, that helped, a bit, but I feel as if it's a rollercoaster, swinging up and down. Some days, all is well, other days, I'm walking the streets at 1am, burning books for no reason and cutting myself. It's scary, in its own way.

It's a feeling of being lost, I want to hold onto someone, to have someone be there, to paraphrase KS, to have someone who can dry me off when I'm caught in the rain.

A sinking feelings, that no matter what I do, I can't be happy, or that I must wait for a time I do not know before I can. It's oppressive, makes the simple act of leaving my room a monumental challenge.

It hurts, and I feel as if I am weathering it alone, I know there are people out there, those that would understand me, and that I could understand, people I could grow old with. But it seems near impossible to start looking.

Sorry if this rambled, I just needed to talk about things.

I don't think you rambled. I don't know if this is any consolation, but I know what you mean when you are talking about loneliness and the situation regarding friends. I have never be hospitalized, but I fell into a spell of total nihilism there for a while. I understand your feelings of wanting to hold and be held as well.

Before you start reading the rest of my post. I think you should wait for some other advise, or at least let give someone else the chance to look over my post. I have been known to make things worse than they are.

This maybe a bad idea, but, can you think of when it started or what might have triggered these feelings? Or at least when you began to notice your feelings? I think your answer maybe there. I can't remember when these things started happening to me, but maybe you could. If you don't want to say, I respect that.

[Morph]

I know these feelings of loneliness, helplessness and those that go along with these.
I don't have friends and waste nearly all of my time reading or doing things at the computer that aren't really fun but rather numbing my thinking. I am quite certain that I am depressive and might have some other mental illnesses that were partly caused by the depression, but never told anyone in RL about that because I don't think they would understand it and treat me differently (with pity or awkwardly resulting in a broken relation).
There is this desire to have someone I can trust and talk to and such but it's seems so unlikely -nearly impossible- I would be able to find someone that I don't even try.
Sorry to hear of your problems but it kind of eases to hear there are others similar to me.

I tried an experiment once. Let's call him "Mike". Mike was my only friend since kindergarden, I would always have to set things up so we could see each other. I called him up, talked a while, then said for him to call me back. I decided that I was going to wait to see if actually did or not. Six months pasted. Nothing. Then my brother sets something up behind my back. It has been almost a year now and no returned call. It's like that with everybody.

I don't know enough about him, but maybe he is a shy guy and doesn't really like to initiate something like that? I am like that, too, and often wait for others to contact me because I am anxious of being turned down or bothering them.

[Slayermaster]

I would look into a therapist, even if you start out just making small talk, over time it can really help.

[Wanderingheartache]

I know these feelings of loneliness, helplessness and those that go along with these.
I don't have friends and waste nearly all of my time reading or doing things at the computer that aren't really fun but rather numbing my thinking. I am quite certain that I am depressive and might have some other mental illnesses that were partly caused by the depression, but never told anyone in RL about that because I don't think they would understand it and treat me differently (with pity or awkwardly resulting in a broken relation).
There is this desire to have someone I can trust and talk to and such but it's seems so unlikely -nearly impossible- I would be able to find someone that I don't even try.
Sorry to hear of your problems but it kind of eases to hear there are others similar to me.

I tried an experiment once. Let's call him "Mike". Mike was my only friend since kindergarden, I would always have to set things up so we could see each other. I called him up, talked a while, then said for him to call me back. I decided that I was going to wait to see if actually did or not. Six months pasted. Nothing. Then my brother sets something up behind my back. It has been almost a year now and no returned call. It's like that with everybody.

I don't know enough about him, but maybe he is a shy guy and doesn't really like to initiate something like that? I am like that, too, and often wait for others to contact me because I am anxious of being turned down or bothering them.

I'm kind of like this too, I don't really like to be a burden...

[WorldlyWiseman]

Loneliness...
Hm, since I was a kid I never had many friends, usually one or two at most. At the time of writing, all my friends are on the internet.
It leaves me feeling so alone, especially at night, I just wish there was someone I connected with, that understood me, and that I understood.
It's depressing, because I don't know how I'll find someone I want to grow old with, or even people to just hang out with.

Even dealing with my clinical depression feels hard, if not hopeless. I have my family, and they are very supportive, but there seems to be this wall between us, one that I don't understand but is there regardless.

I was hospitalized in December because of suicidal thoughts and other such things, that helped, a bit, but I feel as if it's a rollercoaster, swinging up and down. Some days, all is well, other days, I'm walking the streets at 1am, burning books for no reason and cutting myself. It's scary, in its own way.

It's a feeling of being lost, I want to hold onto someone, to have someone be there, to paraphrase KS, to have someone who can dry me off when I'm caught in the rain.

A sinking feelings, that no matter what I do, I can't be happy, or that I must wait for a time I do not know before I can. It's oppressive, makes the simple act of leaving my room a monumental challenge.

It hurts, and I feel as if I am weathering it alone, I know there are people out there, those that would understand me, and that I could understand, people I could grow old with. But it seems near impossible to start looking.

Sorry if this rambled, I just needed to talk about things.

I'm going to assume you've been on a medication regimen at least once in your life, if you've been clinically diagnosed. I'm going to ask about other aspects of this. Do you feel like you have much control over your life?

In my particular brand of depression (based on my own observations, my talk therapists aren't in the business of diagnosing anything), it feels like I am incapable of generating my own emotions. My emotional state is largely dependent on what activities I am doing, and even then my emotions aren't particularly strong. I basically can't trust my body when making decisions, and must rely on routines of things I have rationally decided are 'good for me'. I derive no pleasure from exercise, but I do weightlifting as a semi-regular thing because the slight rush of brain chemicals and keeping my body more or less trim makes things more bearable. I eat relatively well because I know rationally that my body needs good nutrition and that keeping track of what nutrients I've eaten lets me play a mental game of optimizing my meals, which prevents me from slipping too far into the endless loop of negative self-talk.

I haven't been able to bring this kind of game-playing thinking into social situations, but posting online at least helps me articulate my thoughts. Do you have anywhere you can output your thoughts? It's a dumb cliche in therapy, I know, but a journal or blog (or even a forum that's receptive) can be helpful if you approach it appropriately. Just avoid turning the ups and downs of your emotions into a poetic struggle. You do not want this to be how you identify yourself.

The things is they don't seem to care about me. And if I don't come to them and carter to them they just leave me behind. I tried an experiment once. Let's call him "Mike". Mike was my only friend since kindergarden, I would always have to set things up so we could see each other. I called him up, talked a while, then said for him to call me back. I decided that I was going to wait to see if actually did or not. Six months pasted. Nothing. Then my brother sets something up behind my back. It has been almost a year now and no returned call. It's like that with everybody.

Thanks. I am still having second thoughts about posting this. From my experiences, any sign of weakness is an open invitation for an attack.

Why did you select Mike for this experiment? What were you expecting Mike to do? This is not an assault on you, but it is important information.

I would look into a therapist, even if you start out just making small talk, over time it can really help.

This.

This this this.

I'm really tempted to start up a FAQ thread for getting therapy on a budget. I don't know if I have all of the information to do it yet, but there seems to be a need.

This is Water

David Foster Wallace was exceptionally good at picking apart the world around him and how people relate to one another. Here's some links to a speech he gave. The whole speech is fantastic. Pay attention to the second part in particular.

Part 1
Part 2

[Daggett]

I know these feelings of loneliness, helplessness and those that go along with these.
I don't have friends and waste nearly all of my time reading or doing things at the computer that aren't really fun but rather numbing my thinking. I am quite certain that I am depressive and might have some other mental illnesses that were partly caused by the depression, but never told anyone in RL about that because I don't think they would understand it and treat me differently (with pity or awkwardly resulting in a broken relation).
There is this desire to have someone I can trust and talk to and such but it's seems so unlikely -nearly impossible- I would be able to find someone that I don't even try.
Sorry to hear of your problems but it kind of eases to hear there are others similar to me.

I tried an experiment once. Let's call him "Mike". Mike was my only friend since kindergarden, I would always have to set things up so we could see each other. I called him up, talked a while, then said for him to call me back. I decided that I was going to wait to see if actually did or not. Six months pasted. Nothing. Then my brother sets something up behind my back. It has been almost a year now and no returned call. It's like that with everybody.

I don't know enough about him, but maybe he is a shy guy and doesn't really like to initiate something like that? I am like that, too, and often wait for others to contact me because I am anxious of being turned down or bothering them.

"Mike" has initiated a street-race on the interstate with, let's call him, "Matt". I don't think he is very shy. I have known him for 14 years and he is not the shy type.

I used Mike because he was all I had. And ever since he got new friends he would say yes, but then leave me standing in town waiting. The first time it happened I was waiting for six hours, I thought he might have died or something. Turns out, he decided to hang with "Matt" and he said he didn't feel like calling me.

Do you have anything you'd like to talk about? I'm feeling kinda selfish here.

[Daggett]

Why did you select Mike for this experiment? What were you expecting Mike to do? This is not an assault on you, but it is important information.

Sorry, I quoted someone else with this, but now you can be notified too.

"Mike" has initiated a street-race on the interstate with, let's call him, "Matt". I don't think he is very shy. I have known him for 14 years and he is not the shy type.

I used Mike because he was all I had. And ever since he got new friends he would say yes, but then leave me standing in town waiting. The first time it happened I was waiting for six hours, I thought he might have died or something. Turns out, he decided to hang with "Matt" and he said he didn't feel like calling me.

My expectations? I was hoping that 14 years meant something as much as a returned phone call. I wasn't trying to make it into a mind game. Do you think I did?

Do you have anything you'd like to talk about? I'm feeling kinda selfish here.

[Beoran]

Dagget, I know it's sad when you feel old friends don't care for you anymore. I don't know it it's truly the case, but the thought itself of being abandoned is painful.

It's hard, but life is like this. There is no eternity, even in friendship. We are mortal, so even the best friend will some day leave us, or we will leave them. But that is no reason to avoid making new friends. The joy of life can only be found in the here and now, and that means we have to find a way to live with the fact that everything is always changing, and that nothing lasts forever.

Your heart and that of "Mike" have changed. Perhaps your friendship has been lost because of this, much like how Hisao lost his friends in the beginning of the story. Thank "Mike" for being your friend and move onwards. From what you tell me I can see your emotions are still alive. Allow yourself to feel them without fear. I know it all is much easier to say than to do, and I too am still underway and learning all these things. But I hope my words are somehow of use to you or anyone else out there.

[Beoran]

Slayermaster, thank you for your story.

Please focus on your own safety and health first. Everything else can wait. I don't think it's my place to give you much advice. Depression is also a physical illness, your brain is hurt out from past stress, sadness, etc. It's a bit like how someone's back can get hurt from bending over too many times or lifting too many heavy objects.

So I think you need professional help to fight your depression. It will take a long time, but I hope you will recover in the end.

[Daggett]

Dagget, I know it's sad when you feel old friends don't care for you anymore. I don't know it it's truly the case, but the thought itself of being abandoned is painful.

It's hard, but life is like this. There is no eternity, even in friendship. We are mortal, so even the best friend will some day leave us, or we will leave them. But that is no reason to avoid making new friends. The joy of life can only be found in the here and now, and that means we have to find a way to live with the fact that everything is always changing, and that nothing lasts forever.

Your heart and that of "Mike" have changed. Perhaps your friendship has been lost because of this, much like how Hisao lost his friends in the beginning of the story. Thank "Mike" for being your friend and move onwards. From what you tell me I can see your emotions are still alive. Allow yourself to feel them without fear. I know it all is much easier to say than to do, and I too am still underway and learning all these things. But I hope my words are somehow of use to you or anyone else out there.

I acknowledge that. I try making new friends, but they never seem to care. I was told that I'm not really a the friend type, just a good guy to have around. Just like the women I have been interested. I start things off by working on our friendship, but then they just ask me questions about my brother then fall for him.

Thanks. You're word are reassuring and I hope you can too can learn how to live like that. Maybe I am just around unappreciative people? Do you have any ideas how to cope with the repercussions of showing my weaknesses and strengths? I know it would be conditional, but maybe I can built off you suggestion?