Mendācium (Hanako) - Version 1.1.1

[Brogurt]

Because obviously what I was going for the entire time was an exploitation fic and there's no way I'd ever deviate from that

[BobBobberson]

Nope. I thought the story started to stray back into plausible territory with Hanako's suicide note and Hisao's run after that. But once Hanako woke Hisao up, boom! Plausibility destroyed. Suicide here would've made for at least a somewhat more sensible ending. Even if it does strike Hisao with moar grief. And pisses off the Hanabros.

And Hisao's still willing to stick with Hanako? After all that?! I understand chasing after her to make sure she doesn't go bye-bye, but bleh. This Hisao really is a spineless worm (Well, whoever said that Hisao would be a spineless worm if he did go back to Hanako).

But I'm guessing your ending had been planned out to begin with, with or without the controversy. I'll give you kudos for your writing ability at least.

[nemz]

Because obviously what I was going for the entire time was an exploitation fic and there's no way I'd ever deviate from that

Then what you were going for was an unbelievable, fairytale concept that shouldn't have seen the light of day in the first place. If you're going to do hard, gritty drama then you have to stick it out to the bitter end otherwise it renders everything that came before it essentially meaningless. If you want to tell a story of betrayal and redemption then you can't make the betrayal irredeemable.

You have a solid start and finish, but these pieces belong to different puzzles.

[Bagheera]

And Hisao's still willing to stick with Hanako? After all that?! I understand chasing after her to make sure she doesn't go bye-bye, but bleh. This Hisao really is a spineless worm (Well, whoever said that Hisao would be a spineless worm if he did go back to Hanako).

The earthworms of the world take umbrage at your comparison. "Really?" they say. "You're lumping him in with us? At least we're useful."

That aside, I'm forced to agree. Nothing's resolved here, Hanako still thinks he's subhuman, he still doesn't satisfy her, she's still lying and pulling his strings at every opportunity . . . should have had that heart attack, Hisao. If nothing else you'd be free at that point.

Edit: NemZ nailed it. The setup and your aims here are fundamentally incompatible, just as your Hisao and Hanako are. The Hanako you gave us doesn't merit redemption, and Hisao's toughing it out isn't plausible when she told him to his face he was inadequate and subhuman. Better luck next time I guess.

[Bi-Polar Hernandez]

I have to agree with everyone here. This is coming from a Hanabro, by the way.

If I was Hisao at that point, I'd straight up leave Hanako. Barely anything changed between them, except that Hanako knows Hisao is willing to risk his life for her. But in doing so, they've made an even bigger wall than the ones put up during her route, an unbreakable one. Hisao can never trust Hanako again. I'm sorry, but as was said before, the ending seems too fairy tale-ish, much like Lilly's good end. Everyone involved in the story, to put it bluntly, is an idiot.

[Oddball]

I think the problem here is that you quite clearly made Hanako into the badguy in your story and kept trying to tell the readers she was still sympathetic. Nobody bought it and nobody wants to see the villain get a happy ending.

Hanako spent her whole life having people think she was a broken person and hating it then as soon as she gets some confidence in her, she proves they were all right.

[Chrono180]

I actually kind of liked it. I mean, the premise was unbelievable, and I am having a hard time seeing Hanako as sympathetic in this story, but you have skill as a writer.

[Brogurt]

I think the problem here is that you quite clearly made Hanako into the badguy in your story and kept trying to tell the readers she was still sympathetic. Nobody bought it and nobody wants to see the villain get a happy ending.

Hanako spent her whole life having people think she was a broken person and hating it then as soon as she gets some confidence in her, she proves they were all right.

Evidently. Hypothetical situation here: suppose that things would have gone like this. Hanako and Tenshi fuck once. Then she's prepared to do it again, and decides against it because she feels guilty, then gets raped. To anyone who would care to respond, would this make it a bit more believable that Hisao would still care about her?

Good lord I am ripping my hair out trying to salvage this, it appears

[Mahorfeus]

I liked it.

I'd go into detail about why I found it all believable, but I'm tired and I don't feel like engaging in a war right now.

[Mealforthree]

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[YOTC]

I think the problem here is that you quite clearly made Hanako into the badguy in your story and kept trying to tell the readers she was still sympathetic. Nobody bought it and nobody wants to see the villain get a happy ending.

Hanako spent her whole life having people think she was a broken person and hating it then as soon as she gets some confidence in her, she proves they were all right.

Evidently. Hypothetical situation here: suppose that things would have gone like this. Hanako and Tenshi fuck once. Then she's prepared to do it again, and decides against it because she feels guilty, then gets raped. To anyone who would care to respond, would this make it a bit more believable that Hisao would still care about her?

Good lord I am ripping my hair out trying to salvage this, it appears

Don't. I might not LOVE this ending, but I still understand why you did it. Ending it in Hisao keeling over of a heart attack after hanako kills herself is just too Grimdark and your not Doomish( no offense I still really like this). If you wanted to end it Worse, you could have Hanako find him on the roof and then go to jump off but get stopped by Muto or someone who saw Hisao sprint through the school. THAT would be Bad End city.

Either way you wrote something and you had a point when you did. Hanako is the badguy. So what. Sometimes the bad guy wins. I, for one, love it when the bad guy wins. This story is more about Hisao is a broken mess and Hanako was trying to fix what she broke in him only to realize that its an awful idea to try and fix people like when Hisao tried to fix her.

[BobBobberson]

Evidently. Hypothetical situation here: suppose that things would have gone like this. Hanako and Tenshi fuck once. Then she's prepared to do it again, and decides against it because she feels guilty, then gets raped. To anyone who would care to respond, would this make it a bit more believable that Hisao would still care about her?

Good lord I am ripping my hair out trying to salvage this, it appears

Slightly. There'd be less of an emotional impact on Hisao since it y'know, only happened once (willingly, mind you). The issue that Hanako would have been hiding it from Hisao for a period of time would dull. There's still the fact that she effin cheated on Hisao still! Everything else that made the story unbelievable would still be present. Sure he'd feel bad about Hanako being raped after she tried to back out, but she still willingly did it the first time. It's the principle of the thingymajig. Unless Hisao was more torn up over the length of the affair, which I severely doubt. Hanako cheating on him once would be enough to confirm Hisao's self-inadequacy.

Alright I'll go away now. This whole controversy is stirring up readers and responses though, maybe I put that into use for my next fanfic lol

[Brogurt]

The situation I offered would not change the outcome of part 4 or anything, and I'm trying to keep as much of the story intact as possible without demolishing it.

[Bagheera]

Evidently. Hypothetical situation here: suppose that things would have gone like this. Hanako and Tenshi fuck once. Then she's prepared to do it again, and decides against it because she feels guilty, then gets raped. To anyone who would care to respond, would this make it a bit more believable that Hisao would still care about her?

Well, of course it would. At that point you're talking about an error in judgement rather than a pattern of behavior, and it's a mistake she regrets pretty much instantly as opposed to something she justifies for literally months on end. The situations couldn't be more different if they tried. I could easily see Hisao trying to fix things in such a scenario, since Hanako's a much more sympathetic figure there than she is in the story you presented.

[nemz]

Hypothetical situation here: suppose that things would have gone like this. Hanako and Tenshi fuck once. Then she's prepared to do it again, and decides against it because she feels guilty, then gets raped. To anyone who would care to respond, would this make it a bit more believable that Hisao would still care about her?

It would, yes, though it takes a lot of the fire out of the fic in the process. I still would rather see the ending change rather than the beginning.