Mendācium (Hanako) - Version 1.1.1

[BobBobberson]

Ok, I'm filled with even MORE rage of the brooklyn variety, if that's even possible. Goddamn man, you sure know how to piss off people who consider Hanako their favorite girl. Not that that's a bad thing, it's a good sign of your writing ability. The music helps too. If I was Hisao, I totally would've ranted at her for being a bitch, then finish with "Go to hell, and take your burnt ass skin with you." then walk away all cool-like.

EDIT: Caught this error. "since I’d have nothing left to life for." It's live. Just pointing it out.

[Brogurt]

Mendācium Part 2: Fallout just got a little update

>And now that I think about it, it's kind of odd that she'd be so straightforward in telling me these things. Even back on the rooftop, she didn't exactly pull her punches in letting me know he truth. Maybe… she wants to repair what little of our relationship remains. The thought is endearing, and I'd almost like to comply with that, but I don't think I can right now.

And now that I think about it, it's kind of odd that she'd be so forthcoming in telling me these things. Even back on the rooftop, she didn't exactly pull her punches in letting me know the truth. This isn't the same Hanako from before, and even despite this, it seems like a desperate cry for help.

added right before Hisao asks about the rooftop

the reaction to part of the talk was not what I intended, so I lampshaded it a little.

if anyone has any thoughts on the subject, I'd like to hear them.

Edit: it look like I already had this line written up in a note on my ipod, but I had forgotten about it

[Hacksorus]

As much as I enjoy the music concept, I don't think it would work as well for a depressing story like this.
What I've noticed so far is the same couple of sad songs used over and over again.
No complaints about the story itself, however.

[Mahorfeus]

I've lightened up a bit regarding the premise... the second chapter did add some needed context, which was better to present once Hisao wasn't as enraged as on the roof.

I can't picture this ending happily, unless that happens to be the point. At any rate, it will definitely be an interesting read.

[nemz]

Wow. Just... wow. I haven't the slightest idea how Hisao can stand to even look at her at this point, much less ask her to rub his nose in some other asshole's careless droppings. Call Lilly and tell the school Counselor so she's not left completely alone, then get straight fucking sauced with Kenji before washing your hands of this toxic situation for good.

[Nameless]

This is quite interesting, though I feel bad for laughing at the drama I am reading...

and now to actual criticism. the music system is getting slightly annoying. Especially with how frequent it is.
The first chapter was good with the music, it made it interesting, it was paced well, but it is getting tiresome to change the music every small section, especially when there is so much tension, swapping the piece really breaks the flow.
Also using the same 3-4 pieces gets a bit... mundane... you get desensitized of the music quickly. Try using other songs, there are plenty on depressing music out there to use, even in KS there are other rather sombre pieces that are applicable.

On a side note I think it would be interesting to write this from Hanako's perspective as well. Seeing Hisao as a big ball of fury yet being the only safe haven...

[Brogurt]

even in KS there are other rather sombre pieces that are applicable.

I listened to the whole soundtrack in preparation of this, and also checked some of the more depressing scenes for the music they used. What other songs are there?

And for the record, Letting My Heart Speak is already poised to appear in the next chapter, and it's not that melancholy anyway, so please refrain from mentioning it.

[WolfStreak]

It would seem this is a NTR scenario, you sir are a great writer!

[Nameless]

Well,
For example Cold Iron would work for the intro song of Fallout, and if you can pace it so the song ends at around when people get to the line
"She appears to grimace at the name." it seemingly fits.

Either Wiosna or Aria de l'Etoille will work in the beginning as well, it has a repetitive beat that goes with that "pleasant routine" that you speak of, a sudden stop in that Wiosna and transition into a heavier piece can make it seem how the routine needs to be broken, the importance of it.
The idea of contrast can really help make the pieces have more impact and meaning. Not all pieces really need be be melancholy despite the situation. Contrast can bring sometimes bring out the emotions better.
Therefore instead of of trying to use the melancholic / conflict songs try using some of the more quiet sad songs such as Wiosna, Aria de l'Etoille, or Three Stars.

Innocence, Shadow of the Truth, and the song that you don't want mentioned can also be used when Hanako starts fessing up, around here:
"Maybe I should be thankful that I’m here, at the very least. I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, though. I can’t just tell her that I still love her and that it doesn’t matter that she took advantage of my trust, because it would be utter bullshit. And if I were to just ignore her, I don’t want to think of what might happen to her."

When there is internal conflict of Hisao, when he isn't sure if he is to feel Angry or Symphathetic songs such as Friendship or Breathlessly can be utilized so you can still feel that Hisao wants to and still cares for Hanako

And yes I know you used Cold Iron and Breathlessly already, just varying the music a bit might set the mood a bit better. The song that you do not wish to be mention does work as well.

Still though you might want to pace it out a bit, cause every time we need to change the song it will break the flow a bit. Even if it looks long, when readers are reading places where there is a lot of tension and is further enhanced by the tense music, they generally read slightly faster then normal. So you might want to elongate it a bit.

oh, and 2x400m Relay and Cloudland Swing are good if you are capable of pacing your text to average reader's speed, and for short excerpts High Tension might work as well.

tl;dr You don't always have to stick to melancholy, give it some contrast!

Side Note: maybe even make it into an Audio Book with music! It would be awesome! Pacing will be set perfectly, songs start and stop at the perfect moment, the tone and ambiance is all set...

(wow this post is longer than I expected...)

[Beoran]

Aha, Brogurt, good job. Now you convinced me!

It remined me of a Japanese online news paper article I read a few years ago that described that more and mor shy and "less attractive" girls are being seduced by "loverboys" like Tenshin, because they are seen as easy targets. Hanako, a shy girl who just had discovered the pleasures of sex would have been an easy mark.
And probaly there was alcohol involved too, and her underlying personality which we see in KS when she gets drunk is rather playful and foreward even.

Of course, Hanako goes on telling the story as if it's all her fault, but I guess its' due to her rather naive approach to relationships tha tshe thinks that what happened was due to her own choices. When Hanako talks about her parents, it wouldn't have been unusual for a Japanese to even say "My parents in heaven must think...". But she's a smart girl, so it's plausible she's doesn't believe in heaven. And Hisao gets to prove that the really loves Hanako a lot. He's the Master of Forgiveness in this story.

I'm starting to like this story more and more. Keep up the good work!

[nemz]

Of course, Hanako goes on telling the story as if it's all her fault, but I guess its' due to her rather naive approach to relationships that she thinks that what happened was due to her own choices.

I think you need to read more closely... it's been going on for months, dude. It was definately her own choice, and would have STILL been her choice had Tenshin not finally revealed himself to be an asshole. What's most offensive in all of this is that not only did she clearly begin to pity Hisao after being so adamant agaisnt being pitied herself, but now she's intentionally playing up that old role she said she hated to keep him from abandoning her like she richly deserves.

Well... unless my other suspicion is correct. I'll hold back on that for now.

[Ascended Flutist]

Powerful.

Waiting for more.

I have no other words.

[Bagheera]

I think you need to read more closely... it's been going on for months, dude. It was definately her own choice, and would have STILL been her choice had Tenshin not finally revealed himself to be an asshole. What's most offensive in all of this is that not only did she clearly begin to pity Hisao after being so adamant agaisnt being pitied herself, but now she's intentionally playing up that old role she said she hated to keep him from abandoning her like she richly deserves.

Yeah, pretty much. This whole story is surreal -- in terms of style it nails the game's format cold, and the music system is nice and spiffy. But I have trouble imagining how Hanako could be more out of character, to say nothing of why Tenshin would act as he did (date rape? Sure. Burn fetish? Okay, I can buy it. Banging the vulnerable chick? Why not? Breaking it off when she's not in the mood one night? I can dig it. But raping her before moving on? Eh. Either he'd do it the first time and move on then, or he'd keep doing it now just because he can. The whole rape-and-leave thing doesn't quite work. I think it'd work better if Hanako finally had a crisis of conscience and tried to break it off, and he beat/raped/whatever her in response before moving on to greener pastures. The approach he took just doesn't work for him no matter how I look at it). And there's really no rationale for Hisao staying with her at this point; she willfully betrayed his trust, and somehow managed to lie to him about it for months (which is absurd on its face, but whatever). A breach of trust on that scale simply cannot be repaired, particularly when it's coupled with the degree of self-importance and general contempt she displays when explaining it to him (and seriously, Hanako, lern 2 internet! Even if his stamina is shit there are all sorts of ways he can "go for hours". Do some damn research and find out how to make it happen before you trash the most meaningful relationship in your life). The absolute best you can manage at that point is an amicable parting, or perhaps a degree of closure at some point down the line after both parties have had a chance to recover and move on with their lives.

tl;dr: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!!!

[Mealforthree]

>Hisao in charge of not being beta as fuck

Seriously, man, she's feeding him grade-A minced bullshit straight from the oven.

[Suox]

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