Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Morph]

Reading all these stories I feel as if my depression isn't reasonable.
I have never been bullied, was never betrayed by someone I love(if I do love someone) and hadn't harsh hardships to go through despite the alcoholism of my mother.
I often sit alone in my room and think what's the cause for me feeling depressed and always conclude that it isn't my environment; it's me.
I get along with most people but I somehow always act refusing towards those that want to approach me and then later, when I am alone again, I wish I would have been more sociable.
Due to my anxiety to be the center of attention I tend to appear as plain as possible, but it's not just appearance anymore: There's no other person as boring as me that I know.
I know depression is an illness and that I should let other people know but I always act as if I am okay. As I said my life hadn't been bad so I always think it's a bearable existence and I am okay with that much.
Sorry for bothering you guys and my probably bad style of writing.

[Beoran]

ArazelEternal, thanks for your story. Sorry if this sounds wrong, I keep on being appalled at how many misfortunes some people have had in their lives. Physical abuse by family members, being physically threatened with a knife, mental abuse, etc. I think it makes a lot of sense that you would become cynical and distrustful. I don't think that's whining at all.

And yet, you say you a have a few close friends, which is more than I can say. I'm too busy with my own world, I like talking to people, but somehow I feel I don't have the social skills yet I need to make friends, and also not the energy and drive to go out there and do so. I think it's admirable that you were able to make friends even regardless of your situation. I think that to become more happy, you'll have to going to take a risk and open up to the people you care for and who care for you. And yes, that means you're going to get hurt at times. For example, I myself decided to do my best to be honest and open to my wife. While this has lead to many conflicts, in the end, it increased the trust between us, and that's what is essential.

Morph, thanks for your story. While it's true that many people in this thread may have had relatively "worse" problems that you or I, in the end, the problems that matter most to us are the ones we are having ourselves. If we feel bad, then we feel bad, and then it's best to try to do something about that. It's best to be honest to ourselves. And yes, it's harsh, but I also have to admit that I'm also one of the main causes of my own problems. But the good thing about it is that that factor, myself, at least I can change, if ever so slowly.

Also, I'd like to repeat and stress again that if you or anyone else here thinks they are depressed, as in clinically depressed, then please get qualified help. Clinical depression is a physical illness as much as a broken leg is, so get help, and start the road to recovery.

Hadokant,
Thanks for the praise, however, I'm just glad this thread is of use to some people. I doubt my own advice is very useful , but I feel like I want to encourage people for being so brave to tell their story to a bunch of anonymous strangers. I saw there's another thread here about "hijacked by feels", that seems to suggest this thread was a bad idea? I'm not going to post on that thread, but of course I disagree.

I hope people will understand that Katawa Shoujo is in a sense unique compared to most other games. It's written so sincerely that for many people it has a big emotional impact. Now that emotional impact can have good or bad results. I also hope this thread will contribute to avoid negative consequences of the emotional impact of the game. If KS made you realize what is wrong with your life, then I would implore you to think about yourself, focus on what you can do, and see it as an opportunity to start making things better.

[luketacz]

Reading all these stories I feel as if my depression isn't reasonable.
I have never been bullied, was never betrayed by someone I love(if I do love someone) and hadn't harsh hardships to go through despite the alcoholism of my mother.
I often sit alone in my room and think what's the cause for me feeling depressed and always conclude that it isn't my environment; it's me.
I get along with most people but I somehow always act refusing towards those that want to approach me and then later, when I am alone again, I wish I would have been more sociable.
Due to my anxiety to be the center of attention I tend to appear as plain as possible, but it's not just appearance anymore: There's no other person as boring as me that I know.
I know depression is an illness and that I should let other people know but I always act as if I am okay. As I said my life hadn't been bad so I always think it's a bearable existence and I am okay with that much.
Sorry for bothering you guys and my probably bad style of writing.

Hello Morph, i actually don't think ur depression isn't reasonable at all. I'm not a psychologist, but I think that ones personality is mostly shaped during ones childhood and early teen years. Just like you, I didn't had a bad childhood, but it did lack motherly love (I didn't had a father either). That fact shaped my current personality and character. I never felt that I was loved, so now I'm unable to love someone else. I keep everybody at armslength and don't allow anyone to get close (defense mechanism for not getting hurt). I think the same can be applied to your situation as well. I think that your mom's drinking problam had more impact that you realise. Well...anyway that's only my opinion . Cheers!
Lucas

[LunarKnite]

Well crap. =_= I ended up losing my post because I spent too long writing it. I suppose I feel a bit better writing it out, even if was only for my eyes. Maybe I'll take the time to write a shorter version of it next time even though it's not much of anything at all. Though I don't know if I can even say I'm feeling bad, it's just a bit worse than my usual mood of relative content.

[Xerxes]

Well crap. =_= I ended up losing my post because I spent too long writing it. I suppose I feel a bit better writing it out, even if was only for my eyes. Maybe I'll take the time to write a shorter version of it next time even though it's not much of anything at all. Though I don't know if I can even say I'm feeling bad, it's just a bit worse than my usual mood of relative content.

Oh, it happened to me more than once.
The best thing is to write it down on a word processor and save it, edit it if you feel like it's needed either for correcting typos or just for adding more stuff, and then copypaste it to the forum.
It's like wrinting an essay, take your time to do it. Neither the forum nor the internet will disappear tomorrow or anytime soon (although you can use Dec-21-2012 as a deadline if you believe in the mayan prophesy ).

[Beoran]

Yeah, I also had that a happen to me, but in a sense it can be good since it gives me time to rethink what I'm going to write and express it more concisely.
And don't worry, there's no minimum level of sadness required to post in this thread. Just a little bit of courage.

[Danze]

Nitramy, thanks for your story. It can be tempted to cling onto a person you like even if they only see you as friends. Misha's story is a common one in reality too, i think. It's sad you had to learn the lesson in the hard way, but I think now you've gone much farther on your path. It was a hard won lesson, but I think that you must have learned a lot, and I hope that from now on things will go better for you.

Danze, From how you describe your previous relationship it really seems like it was broken from the beginning. So I don't see how you could have even started to fix it. I think you shouldn't be too hard on yourself for what happened. I'm sorry to hear you feel lonely. It might have been hard for you to play KS, because it made you realize what was wrong in your life. It also made me realize what I had been doing wrong in my life, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Of course, it's not the game's fault, it only made us realize what had been "wrong" with or lives all along. But I'm trying to shrug off those bricks now, one by one. I don't know if I will make it, but at least, I have to do something. So I hope you'll find a way to get your life on the move again, towards a happier situation. Life can be hard like that. Sometimes we must really do our best to earn our happiness. In life there's no happy ending, but there can be happy "middles", if we can find the way.

Beoran, I appreciate your response. Yeah, that first run of KS was pretty damaging, outright depressed me for 4 or 5 days straight. I seem to be alright now, just needed to vent some stuff that had been building up. I know what you mean, about shaking things off one by one. Feels like it takes forever and ever.Those few days I was upset felt like they drug on forever. If it hadn't been for work I would've gone out of my mind. It's crazy, KS almost feels a bit too entrancing. I hope you get through your problems that you're having too. Just don't stop trying to get through them man. Just keep going.

[LunarKnite]

Haha, yeah. But it was 5 in the morning, and I thought it'd be better for me to do a more stream of consciousness post at the time. I suppose I'll try to tell my story again, though it may be just as long as I had it before, but different.

I'm a 20 year old guy studying English at a university. I have a bit of trouble talking to people until I get comfortable with them, which doesn't really happen unless there's some kind of communication first. As a result I feel a tad socially awkward and prefer to just be quiet for most of my time. But people need some kind of social interaction. Because of this, I've always been more comfortable writing something out than actually talking. There's probably quite a bit of background to why I don't really like talking but that can be for another time.

Anyway, being more comfortable writing helped prompt me into trying my hand at writing back at the start of high school. Fanfiction of manga at first (Love Hina) and ideas for fantasy novels, but I soon realized my attention span and motivation were not good enough to keep at such long works, and so I turned my efforts towards poetry. I wanted to be an author. The thing is, I'm not so sure now. It was a definite possibility, but I ended up going to a writing intensive workshop last summer in a different state where I met a lot of very nice people who wrote. I felt separated from them however; I felt a severe lack of passion and motivation on my side. Something I don't think I really ever had. As a result, on and off for the past several months, I've questioned myself. Questioned my goals, career path, future, who I am. I don't think I've discovered any answers yet. I know I'm still young, but being full of doubt isn't something I'm comfortable with.

It's kinda funny, although Shizune's bad ending was sad, her good ending affected me more. The fervor the three of them ended up displaying for what they wanted to do with their lives made me reflect on myself in that way. And how I wasn't so determined as they were. How my complete lack of motivation will completely undermine anything I'll attempt to do. How I tended not to stop and think every once in a while because when I do (during that writing workshop and after playing KS, among other instances) I discovered things I'd rather forget about or ignore for the time being and try to just go with the flow. I suppose that's why I rely heavily on my escapism in anime, manga, video games, and books, so my brain doesn't have time to really settle down and reflect upon things.

I think it's becoming a cycle of wanting to write and pursue a career in it, doubting myself and my passion for it, not writing, and doubting myself for not writing, and yet I think I'm pretty decent at writing, so I want to try and do it. All right, well thanks for reading my rambles, whoever does.

[Beoran]

Danze, no worries. The only problem now is that I'm still hanging around these forums too much, I guess. But, I feel there's such a nice crowd here, so I like it. At least I'm being a little bit sociable.

LunarKnite, thanks for your story. It's hard sometimes to figure out what you really want to do in life. I found out when studying science I preferred computer programming, While I did finish my studies, I'm a programmer now, and I'm glad to be one. It's true that it's best to have passion and go for what you want completely, but if the passion is missing, perhaps it's better to look for something else, a new direction in your life?

As for escapism, ... that's both yes and no. If you play a game, or watch anime, or read manga and you're learning something from it, then that is also something good. If it's just wasting your time, then I think it's more mindless fun. Which can be good at times, but shouldn't be exaggerated. For example, I stopped playing Skyrim, because that game is too shallow, there's not interesting lessons to learn from the plot.

[LunarKnite]

LunarKnite, thanks for your story. It's hard sometimes to figure out what you really want to do in life. I found out when studying science I preferred computer programming, While I did finish my studies, I'm a programmer now, and I'm glad to be one. It's true that it's best to have passion and go for what you want completely, but if the passion is missing, perhaps it's better to look for something else, a new direction in your life?

As for escapism, ... that's both yes and no. If you play a game, or watch anime, or read manga and you're learning something from it, then that is also something good. If it's just wasting your time, then I think it's more mindless fun. Which can be good at times, but shouldn't be exaggerated. For example, I stopped playing Skyrim, because that game is too shallow, there's not interesting lessons to learn from the plot.

Thanks for your words. I suppose it isn't a big deal. I'll eventually find my way. I mean, I do enjoy writing and creating something, but I feel like that isn't quite passion. It's not exactly a drive or desire to keep going, but simply something that I've found I can do rather easily and well. But besides writing the only thing I really enjoy more is video games, so lately I've been thinking about pursuing something that involves both, despite the fact I'm more of a poet than a scriptwriter or anything.

Yes, I agree about your view on escapism. Certainly both instances occur. I mean, I've been playing KS and I just finished watching both seasons of Clannad, and both have definitely affected me and made me think about myself. I can only hope it'll drive me to change things for the better.

On the other hand, I fear that I won't because I do play a lot of games for mindless fun. I've spent more hours playing a game like League of Legends over the past two years than I have at nearly everything else. While games and anime like KS and Clannad will hold special places among my favorites in both media, I fear that I'll just do what I've always done which is going on to the next one before I let things really take hold.

[Beoran]

LunarKnite, and anybody else here, if there's one thing I'd reccommend to cut your gaming down to a healthier size then it's to stop playing online games. All of them. Seriously. Most online games don' t have a story or anything of deep interest, and are built to keep you coming over and over again for years, but in the end are quite shallow experiences. Normally, you don' t even get to make any decent social contacts with the other players since they're only there to play. When I was as student, I wasted thousands of hours playing MUDs, and all in all, they were 99% a waste of time. So, now I don't play any MMORPG's or other extensive online games.

[Alexbond45]

The best thing to do is just not play them at all, I've been hooked on 2 MMOs, I dropped 1 Cold Turkey, and Team Fortress 2 has been severely reduced in terms of time I play, Though, It will always hold a special place for those experiences I've had.

I for one can never get hooked on an MMO Easily, Because I hate things that are Repetitive, Unless it is somehow made fun (IE: Harvest Moon, Why I love that game, I HAVE NO IDEA)


My Problems aren't NEAR as bad as some of these, and I presume most people here live in the US, And People are all going "Kony 2012!" When We have WAY more problems in our own country! (This can be bad, like Pearl Harbour, which will always been an Infamous day in history). My Problems are pretty damn good as it seems.

[ArazelEternal]

ArazelEternal, thanks for your story. Sorry if this sounds wrong, I keep on being appalled at how many misfortunes some people have had in their lives. Physical abuse by family members, being physically threatened with a knife, mental abuse, etc. I think it makes a lot of sense that you would become cynical and distrustful. I don't think that's whining at all.

And yet, you say you a have a few close friends, which is more than I can say. I'm too busy with my own world, I like talking to people, but somehow I feel I don't have the social skills yet I need to make friends, and also not the energy and drive to go out there and do so. I think it's admirable that you were able to make friends even regardless of your situation. I think that to become more happy, you'll have to going to take a risk and open up to the people you care for and who care for you. And yes, that means you're going to get hurt at times. For example, I myself decided to do my best to be honest and open to my wife. While this has lead to many conflicts, in the end, it increased the trust between us, and that's what is essential.

Thanks for your reply. Even though I know that a lot of what has happened to me is no fault of my own. However, I still feel at times that I somehow deserve everything thats happened to me, even if I don't yet understand the reasoning for it. Im depressed all the time (sometimes are worse than others) Ive also realized that at times I don't are much what happens to me. I'm not suicidal. I don't *want* to die or have any desire to. But there are times that I think if it were to happen, it wouldn't be any skin off anyone's nose (for lack of a better term). Its made me rather disappointed in myself. Ive told myself that I need to be stronger than that and suck it the f**k up, but its not always easy. Its not like I can even go talk to anyone. I don't have health insurance of any kind, so I'm kinda screwed, lol. To admit that I might need to talk to someone makes me feel weak. Ive always prided myself on being strong enough to not need any help. Maybe that's not the case so much anymore, and might be why I am talking here about it with other people who have been brave enough to do the same thing, other people that have enjoyed the game as much as I have, and have been as deeply effected as I have been. Some make me feel like my problems are utterly insignifigant, and I shouldn't be complaining.

A lot of people around me don't realize this, not even my father whom I currently reside with. I'm always helping my friends and family with their problems and not worrying about my own, which does help a little because it helps me forget about my issues. Plus, it just makes me feel good that I can be there for them.

[Beoran]

ArazelEternal,

First of all, it sucks that you can't get professional help. I guess your best chance would be to move to Canada and get a job there...

Now to be a bit harsh, but I feel like you're blaming yourself, perhaps even pitying yourself? Pity is not good. It's a form of contempt, a form of hate even. A bit like Hanako felt about herself, perhaps? As you saw from her story, it can help to talk to someone you can trust, a friend or lover, about what happened to you. But you have to snap out of it. No doubt, many of your friends and your family think you are a great person, so perhaps you can get some courage from that?

As for guilt... it's useless. The past is written in stone forever. It will never change, never! So, no matter how much I doubt or think about it, it's just a waste of time. What I did in the past then was the only thing I could have done, because I didn't know what I know now. But there's one great thing about the past: it's gone. Erased. Wiped out. It doesn't exist anymore. Only the memories remain. And those memories can help me to do things differently now. The only moment we do control somewhat, the only moment we can do something is now. Guilt will only stop me from acting at all. In stead, learn what I can from my memories and act differently now.

Finally, from what you said and from your signature I'd say that perhaps you are a bit too much like Lilly, always trying to help others but forgetting to take care of your own needs. I f you look at the stry, Lilly was only showing a strong persona, in reality she was quite weak. Only after the one she loved almost died on her for a *third* time, she was able to understand that she should ignore other people's wishes and do what she really wanted to do. I hope you'll realise much sooner that you take care of yourself also.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's nice to help other people. I think it's honest to want to help others even if it's just because it makes me feel better. Actualy, that's probaby the best reason, as long as you don't go all white knight on them. But I feel it's hard to help other people when my own problems are bothering me. So I think it's OK to work on my own problems too.

[Alexbond45]

Though Helping people is not bad, you must always address your problems before addressing Other's if you want to succeed.