Sweet Yuuko (more like this H sucks)

[PCJedi]

I'm not sure if Premature Ejaculation would be one of the side effects of his medicine or not, but I do remember seeing "Erectile Dysfunction" popping up in the scene where he was in the hospital and the doctor was listing off the possible side effects and complications, the one where it was flashing a bunch of black medical text against a white background for a few seconds. Personally though, I doubt he's going to have that particular problem, seeing as how this is a VN and all.

[Fidelas]

That 'battering ram' metaphor was... interesting, to say the least.

[Silentcook]

3 Rushed? The entire fic takes place over the period of about 10 mins, how much more needless detail do I need? Its spose to be a spur of the moment Hisao deciding he is going to fuck Yuuko. Was I spose to go into a long tangent about what he had for lunch that day? The concept in simple; Hisao goes to library, Hisao and Yuuko crash into each other, Hisao has an epiphany, he fucks Yuuko, but he can't finish the job because the medication has turned him into a premature ejaculator (I dont know if that may be an actual symptom of the medication, I just went with it).

4 Less plot device how?

Time can and does expand or contract in narration according to what the writer wants to detail, but that is not quite what I meant, even though your piece would benefit from a bit of that.

You wrote and posted this up without stopping to think things through, or even reread after drafting; it is apparent from the awkward tenses, grammar and spelling mistakes, and occasional strange word choices (even without considering the Nasu-imitation).
You also neglected near-completely Yuuko's half of the "encounter": she pretty much does nothing either way, and no reason is apparent for her behaving so.
Finally, you picked out a rather unbelievable and uncreative plot device (crash into raep, if you will) and followed it to the absolute letter.

Improve on those line breaks, and try to polish things; you will get better at writing. Good luck on your future attempts.

[Nosson]

Time can and does expand or contract in narration according to what the writer wants to detail, but that is not quite what I meant, even though your piece would benefit from a bit of that.

You wrote and posted this up without stopping to think things through, or even reread after drafting; it is apparent from the awkward tenses, grammar and spelling mistakes, and occasional strange word choices (even without considering the Nasu-imitation).
You also neglected near-completely Yuuko's half of the "encounter": she pretty much does nothing either way, and no reason is apparent for her behaving so.
Finally, you picked out a rather unbelievable and uncreative plot device (crash into raep, if you will) and followed it to the absolute letter.

Improve on those line breaks, and try to polish things; you will get better at writing. Good luck on your future attempts.

Thank you for your criticism, harsh though it may be. It was not neccessary to include the personal attack, but I assure you I will take your words into consideration.
You see I have a learning disability, writing is something that has never come easy for me. "You wrote and posted this up without stopping to think things through, or even reread after drafting; it is apparent from the awkward tenses, grammar and spelling mistakes, and occasional strange word choices (even without considering the Nasu-imitation)" I did reread and edit this, I am sorry if it is not up to your standards, but it was not ok for you to make such an accusation. I often make mistakes that I fail to catch, but I really am trying my hardest. Its very hard for me to describe, its like I have all these great ideas in my head, but when I try to put them down in a written form, it never turns out as good as I hope, it is very frustrating. Maybe I will never attain the skill I need to achieve the level of greatness that so many others have, but I sure as hell am going to try. So please, I know you had the best intentions, and that you also had no way of knowing I had insecurities about this, but please be more careful with your words, there was really no reason for you to make an accusation such as that.

Also I would like to add that some of the things you faulted me on, Yuuko's lack of reaction and how the entire situation was cliched, was entirely intentional, after all this was only meant to be a good bit of fun, nothing serious, but I still do not like it when I am taken for an idiot when I do not deserve to be.

[cpl_crud]

Nosson;
I'd like you to understand that SilentCook was only trying to help here.

He's one of the editors for the Dev Team and, to be honest, his comments are usually spot on.
I don't think he was trying to insult you directly, only trying to help.
Also, if you read his fanworks on this page (and there's a few of them), you'll notice that he's actually a pretty good writer himself...

All of the writers on the Dev team have their work critiqued by each other, and it's how we improve. Yes, it's hard to accept that critique sometimes, and hell, most of the time it seems like someone is attacking you personally.

I can also tell you that writing H-scenes is possibly the hardest things to do; timing is critical, and you need to work pretty hard to suck the reader into your world.

Maybe you should try another scene, taking the comments from this thread on board. I know that I write better now than I did two years ago, and the main reason behind that is the 250k or so words that I have written since then for KS.

[Nosson]

I know he was trying to help, and he did. All I was saying was that the line "You wrote and posted this up without stopping to think things through, or even reread after drafting" took it too far, it was no longer a critique on what I wrote, but an attack on me (at least I took it as such)

Also I am at a loss of what to do, basically everything I have read sums up to ‘Everything you wrote sucks’.
How am I supposed to improve myself if I don’t know what my strong points are that I can build upon in the future?
Did I do anything right or was this truly just a complete fail?

[cpl_crud]

How am I supposed to improve myself if I don’t know what my strong points are that I can build upon in the future?
Did I do anything right or was this truly just a complete fail?

Maybe you should try another scene, taking the comments from this thread on board. I know that I write better now than I did two years ago, and the main reason behind that is the 250k or so words that I have written since then for KS.

You're not going to improve by givign up now.

I would suggest using a word processor with a spell checker/grammar checker.
Anyone who has talked to me on IRC or read my posts here will see that I type like a retard, so I type anything I care about in Word before posting it.

If you continue to post here, people will point out the flaws in your work, but at least then you will be able to work on them.

[Nosson]

I'm not giving up, I was just wanted to know if anybody thought I did something right. By your avoidance of the topic I guess that means yes, there was nothing good in this.

Also I did type this in Word. I think the main reason everyone is saying that my grammar sucks is because I was trying to hard to sound like 1st-person Hisao. I went over-board in the purple prose department.

One last thing, the main goal of this fic was not to be a great H scene, not provide any great detail of character interactions or development. It was to show some of the possible problems Hisao could have with his medication, it seemed like an interesting idea to me. I guess I just failed to present it clearly.

[WASSHOI]

I'm not giving up, I was just wanted to know if anybody thought I did something right. By your avoidance of the topic I guess that means yes, there was nothing good in this.

Also I did type this in Word. I think the main reason everyone is saying that my grammar sucks is because I was trying to hard to sound like 1st-person Hisao. I went over-board in the purple prose department.

One last thing, the main goal of this fic was not to be a great H scene, not provide any great detail of character interactions or development. It was to show some of the possible problems Hisao could have with his medication, it seemed like an interesting idea to me. I guess I just failed to present it clearly.

No, I got the message pretty clearly. I knew you weren't aiming for an incredibly orgasmic H-scene with the ending you put. It just seemed pretty rushed. Maybe if you had added a bit on Yuuko's perspective on the situation it would have balanced it out a bit more. When I say that, I don't mean to jump into her mind and see what she's thinking. Just more on what exactly she's doing at the time. All she pretty much did was lay there and breathe. While I understand the scene was short enough that she may not be able to do much, I felt that part could have been touched up on a bit more. Even if she's not reacting much you can still put more details in.

I understand that this scene was only supposed to take place in the span of 10 minutes or so but it still just feels like its lacking more meat. The story itself isn't what felt like it was lacking to me, more like the structure of it all.

But don't take all your advice from me, just pointing out what I personally found lacking in the fic. I myself am not that great of a writer. In fact I hardly write any stories at all, so I might not give the best advice really.

[Malus_Phasmatis]

Having finished all the books I had checked out last time, I decided it would be a good idea to head down to the library and pick out a few more, after all I didn’t have anything else to do today. The last one I read was very interesting, it was a foreign book, this group of adventures had gotten together at an inn after many years of separation, then this strange woman showed up with a crystal staff.

Things started getting really out of hand after that. They had some pretty wild adventures, traveling through a haunted forest, finding a lost city in a swamp, even killing a dragon. In the end they confronted this dark lord, and even though it looked like all hope was lost they pulled through in the end and won. It was also only the first novel in the series, maybe the will have the rest as well.

Did Hisao just read Dragons of Autumn Twilight?