The Great War 5 chapters REWRITTEN

[Alexbond45]

I have decided to try and redo the story to more realistic standards, This includes taking law into hand, and keeping realistic proportions.

This has taken some time to work out those damned legal problems, let me tell you I am no expert on the Legal System, but I try.

Same characters still apply

The situation

Lilly and Hisao decided to go to the same college after Graduation. They both became school teacher, Hisao in Science and Lilly in English.
They got married a year after, and moved to a small village in northern Japan.
However, Japan only continued to Grow, with less and less space to provide new citizens. Japan was facing an Economic meltdown larger than the US Great Depression.
Pair this with the fact that Russia has reestablished a Communist Regime, and things begin to take a turn for the worst.
The first country to join Russia was China. China provided a massive manpool of power. It was obvious that War was going to break out at any time.
However, the USSR Simply created larger spheres of influence.

Soon, Lilly and Hisao had realised that Japan was becoming worse and Worse, it was decided to move to another country
Great Britain was Chosen
According to British law, if either parent were a citizen of the United Kingdom and a child was born out of country, they automatically gain citizenship.
Hisao would also need citizenship, Lilly knew that this meant teaching him English, one thing that would be very difficult to do. It would also take 3 years of living in England, preferably in the Scottish region, to get citizenship.
Meanwhile, the USSR Only grew in Power, the USA Is dwindling, facing it's own economic Crisis, War, will obviously break out in the near future.

End Prologue

Begin First Chapter
We begin the storyline 1 Year after Lilly and Hisao were married and they have moved into the comfy village in Northern Japan, both Lilly and Hisao are teachers at the local school district.

"Marshal" Hisao Announces firmly. Feeling the piece to check his claim, Lilly then checks the piece he struck. "Bomb" she replies to Hisao. He slumps in his seat with an Irritated huff of air. Slowly, Lilly picks one of her pieces, and strikes Hisao's. "General" She announces. Dumbstruck, Hisao looks at the piece she struck. "Flag, you win."
Stratego, although hard to implement, Lilly somehow managed to embed in every piece the coding in Brail, It was only 1 number, and B for Bomb, F for Flag, and S for spy.
With a heavy sigh, Hisao gets up and walks to the kitchen. "Why do I do this anyway?" Hisao whispers to himself.
"Because you thought that you were better at board games at me so I knew that I should put something major on the line" Lilly Replies.
With a slight chuckle, Hisao continues his walk, He had bet Lilly that he could beat her at chess a short time after moving in, Now, every Thursday, They play to see who has to prepare dinner.

Hisao Prepares everything he needs, Egg, Milk, butter, and a few other things. He then proceeds to make a hardy batch of Waffles, a western dish no doubt, but Lilly and Hisao equally seem to like eating them, quite unusual, for most people don't seem to care, but the internet is a helpful thing to have.
Eventually, 2 are finished, he serves them on 2 paper plates. Slowly, he looks around. The home is well furnished, although It should have been all his Design, Lilly somehow came up with the most brilliant ideas. Halfway through his Waffle, he looks to the left, he had never bothered to open the mail yet.
He Picks up the top letter, It is from the Hospital

Dear Nakai, Hisao, we would like to Inform you that there is a new Medication that works just like all of yours combined in one pill, however, you are required to go to a hospital in order to minimize all problems, you should be capable of doing almost anything now. The cost will be discussed at the Hospital.
With a mouthful of Waffle, Hisao asks
"Wiwwy, whewes the neawest hospi-" He swallows "Nearest Hospital?"
After Thinking, Lilly replies
"I believe that there is one in Sendai, it is only a mile away, why do you ask?"
"There is a new treatment for my heart problem, I think that It might solve it once and for all" He replies firmly

The next day, they traveled to the Hospital.
"There and Back again" Hisao mumbles
"It must be Deja vu" Lilly replies playfully.
They reach the reception desk, Hisao tells the nurse about the letter, she then takes him to a room.
"I hate this place" Hisao says
"Well, I've got nowhere to go" Lilly replies.

The Operation goes well, Hisao is fixed.
"Now, Mr. Nakai, I must inform you that you should not push yourself for the next week, this is how the medications will take place, after that though, you can do ANYTHING and should not have heart problems" The doctor was very informative.
"However, I must say that we would rather have you stay for that week" The doctor caught Hisao off guard
"Ugh, Well, I guess I am obliged" Hisao Replied
"I'll take a Taxi" Hisao had forgotten about Lilly.
She leaves the room.

Meanwhile, in Russia
"General, I must wonder how you plan to reestablish communist control" The voice was not Russian.
"Look, I know that with the Internet and everything, this isn't like the cold war, nothing is a secret" The general replies
He gives off a chuckle.
"I think that It will be simple, Russia does seem to be losing her economy, I will rise up with ridiculous claims of help"
He looks out the window.
"Get me Colonel Radomski" His voice is serious
"Yes sir" The man leaves the room.
Colonel Radomski Enters with full confidence, and stands at attention.
"At ease, Radomski. I want you to tell me how the Training of my Elite Bodyguard Battalion is going"
"It is going well SIR!" Radomski is highly professional about it.
"I want it ready in 5 years Radomski, you know that they must be PERFECT and nothing less, Then we shall strike"


Background information
1: We are Assuming Lilly's Mother was a British Citizen and gained it from Descent, According to Law, Lilly also gains it by Descent.

[youka]

i wont be rude but i think it should be fine to give you a fair critic as a fellow writer

your story is interesting and well thought out, but it was too rushed, the vocab isnt very wide spread and theres not enough dialog. Maybe making the chapter a little longer, like involving their kids a little more or something.

Otherwise, good job so far and keep it up i look forward to the next chapter

[Alexbond45]

i wont be rude but i think it should be fine to give you a fair critic as a fellow writer

your story is interesting and well thought out, but it was too rushed, the vocab isnt very wide spread and theres not enough dialog. Maybe making the chapter a little longer, like involving their kids a little more or something.

Otherwise, good job so far and keep it up i look forward to the next chapter

This is an intro chapter, I never make very long intro chapters, Most of the story will be focused on Hisao's experience, but I had a stroke of brilliance that if I used Lilly's storyline, then i could move him to the scots because i knew that Japan would be too pressed to join the USSR And would end up joining, I like the UN

[Mirage_GSM]

The problem with that is - would the Scots even want someone from a country they are at war with fighting for them? Let alone someone with a heart condition that wouldn't let him survive boot camp...

[Alexbond45]

The problem with that is - would the Scots even want someone from a country they are at war with fighting for them? Let alone someone with a heart condition that wouldn't let him survive boot camp...

Its been 15 years since we left off at KS, The Heart Problem is pretty much fixed, its been lowered to 1 Tablet a day.

Besides, The Scots are Scots, Japan is not part of the USSR Yet, but the coming storms will not end well

I think one of the best parts of picking up from KS Is that for the most part, I already have a pretty good set of well developed characters to chuck into the story. I am trying to develop my Own, as in chapter 2 which i just wrote, Brad is a good guy, but I think Chapter 3 will Cover some stuff that happens in the USSR.

[Alexbond45]

Edit: I added chapter 3, For the most part, I introduced the USSR Antagonist, and I added how Life was for Lilly and tried to make it seem like she misses Hisao.
I also began Hisao's experience in Boot Camp to lengthen the chapter.

[Yellow 13]

I wonder how Hisao will survive boot camp

>implying I will not cheer for the Ruskies

video related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw3btHkgink

[Alexbond45]

I wonder how Hisao will survive boot camp

>implying I will not cheer for the Ruskies

video related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw3btHkgink

Russia is the Bad guy.
The USSR Is a pivotal role in History, Allowing us to crush Hitler and Threaten nuclear war.

[Yellow 13]

I wonder how Hisao will survive boot camp

>implying I will not cheer for the Ruskies

video related http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qw3btHkgink

Russia is the Bad guy.
The USSR Is a pivotal role in History, Allowing us to crush Hitler and Threaten nuclear war.

Still, GLORIOUS MOTHERLAND

[Mirage_GSM]

Some thoughts:

- I'm sure glad the US aren't allowed to conscript foreign nationals in reality ^^° In your story it's not even someone from an allied country but from a neutral one...
- Shooting an underling in the head for minor mistakes is not only a very cliché way of establishing someone is evil - it is also a way of establishing someone is extremely stupid and bound to be murdered by someone real soon out of sheer self-preservation.
- The US-Army has to be in a very sorry state if their "best colonel" is a racist who can't even remember his superior's name...
- Akira forgot the names of her nieces? Seems the years weren't kind to her. Well, at least she has a career prospect as a US Army colonel...

[Alexbond45]

Some thoughts:

- I'm sure glad the US aren't allowed to conscript foreign nationals in reality ^^° In your story it's not even someone from an allied country but from a neutral one...
- Shooting an underling in the head for minor mistakes is not only a very cliché way of establishing someone is evil - it is also a way of establishing someone is extremely stupid and bound to be murdered by someone real soon out of sheer self-preservation.
- The US-Army has to be in a very sorry state if their "best colonel" is a racist who can't even remember his superior's name...
- Akira forgot the names of her nieces? Seems the years weren't kind to her. Well, at least she has a career prospect as a US Army colonel...

answer 1-
The idea is that I cannot rewrite chapter 1 to introduce new characters, number 2, underlings are worthless. duh. Number 3, Akira is an odd character, and I couldnt think of a better way to establish how to introduce the characters of the children, as I have said I am fairly new at this, besides, It isnt as simple as Lilly calling them, she's pretty caught up in her husband being conscripted into an army.

Also, I would think that the army would take whoever they could take, on another term, Brad is designated to cause conflict between the Asian Division, in order to keep a longer story running.

Thank you for you feedback.

[Alexbond45]

Alright, an overview I have decided to add in the beginning because lets face it, Im gonna rewrite some of this, I already have anyway.
1 Children Intro is improved
2-This is why the UN Is conscripting Nations, and Brad is the best they've got

The Invasion of Africa taxed America to the max, most Commanders and several armies are being sent to stop the Russians from gaining control of the Oil Fields in the Middle east for long periods of time, This with the inevitable invasion of Europe, there is no other person they can use

[Mirage_GSM]

...so give positive critiques OK?

You're making it hard...
The best advice I can give you is to take more time writing your chapters. They read as if you were writing the summary of a story and not the story itself. (And this doesn't just apply to the introduction but to the rest of the story as well.)
Some of the scenes are completely unnecessary for the story. E.g. in the scenes in Russia, nothing plot-relevant happens at all, and the characters don't need to be introduced at this point already, even if they become relevant later on.
Also, it might be a good idea to have your stories read over by someone who is a bit more familiar with the English language.

[Alexbond45]

...so give positive critiques OK?

You're making it hard...
The best advice I can give you is to take more time writing your chapters. They read as if you were writing the summary of a story and not the story itself. (And this doesn't just apply to the introduction but to the rest of the story as well.)
Some of the scenes are completely unnecessary for the story. E.g. in the scenes in Russia, nothing plot-relevant happens at all, and the characters don't need to be introduced at this point already, even if they become relevant later on.
Also, it might be a good idea to have your stories read over by someone who is a bit more familiar with the English language.

Yeah it makes sense, I have a tenidicy to rush things in order to move on to the next thing.
I usually rush most stuff I rush reading, Ill rush schoolwork, The only thing I dont seem to Rush is theater and Music. =/

[Yellow 13]

Alright, an overview I have decided to add in the beginning because lets face it, Im gonna rewrite some of this, I already have anyway.
1 Children Intro is improved
2-This is why the UN Is conscripting Nations, and Brad is the best they've got

The Invasion of Africa taxed America to the max, most Commanders and several armies are being sent to stop the Russians from gaining control of the Oil Fields in the Middle east for long periods of time, This with the inevitable invasion of Europe, there is no other person they can use

the UN dosn't work that way

Im at work, I will explain with more detail when I arrive home