No Way Out (Hanako Route Spoilers)

[PyramidSong]

This is my first attempt at Fan Fiction and (for the most part) creative writing in general. Praise it. Rip it to shreds. I don't care. Just please try to make all criticism constructive. I hope you enjoy it.

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I'm lying naked in my coffin. The lid is still open and I'm staring up into the void. I don't know where I'm at or how I got here. I do know that I'm not safe in this coffin, that I need to escape this very instant. But I can't. I can do nothing but lay here and stare up into the blank void above me. I hear a voice call to me from the void. "Hanako you're being too quiet..." The lid suddenly slams shut.

There is no way out.

It's dark. The voice in the distance continues to talk, but I can no longer make out it's words. I don't really care though. I just need to find a way out.

There is no way out.

It's hot. I feel beads of sweat forming all over my body. I would be fine if I could just get out. Everything would go back to normal and I would forget about my coffin and move on with my life.

There is no way out.

Off in the void, I suddenly hear a different voice. A beautiful voice. I wish I could make out what it's saying, but it's too far away. I am alone. I have always been alone. I hear the two voices talking to each other off in the distance. Do they know I'm here in my coffin? Maybe if I could somehow get their attention, they would come and rescue me from my coffin. But I can't get their attention. I can't move at all. I can't speak at all.

There is no way out.

The voices have stopped. And I'm alone in my coffin. Please help me. I'm begging you. Let me out. It's so dark. Oh God, why does it have to be so dark? I want to bang on the lid of my coffin. I want to squirm and thrash around in my coffin. I want to claw on my coffin until my fingers bleed. I want to do something, anything, to get the voices to come back and rescue me. But my body refuses to move. The heat in my coffin increases and I begin to sweat bullets. Have I always been this hopeless? The voices must think I'm pathetic. Why should they help me? They must think that I will fall right back into my coffin the moment they release me. Are they right? Yes, of course they are. I can't change my ways. It doesn't matter where I go or what I do. One day I will fall again, and my coffin will be right there to catch me. I deserve this. I deserve my coffin.

There is no way out.

I can hear the voices again. Maybe they will finally take pity on me. I know I will fall back into my coffin, but please, just give me one more chance. Just let me out. Please just let me out... Through the darkness, I'm suddenly aware of three figures outside of my coffin looking at me. One of them begins to speak but I can't hear what it is saying. Just shut up and let me out. That's all I need right now. The figure stops talking. Now the three of them are just staring at me. Why won't they help me. They must be judging me. Yeah, that's it. That must be it. They will always judge me. No matter what. Even if I somehow find a way out of my coffin, they will always judge me. No matter what.

There is no way out.

There are more figures now. I'm lying here naked in my coffin for everyone to see. I'm completely exposed to these figures. They can see all of me. And they are judging all of me.

I need out right now.

I see one of the figures coming towards me.

I need out right now.

It reaches through my coffin and touches my shoulder.

I need out right now.

The moment it does, I feel a million insects crawling all over my bare body.

I need out right now.

Goose bumps run up and down my body as the insects crawl on me. Around me. Inside of me.

I need out right now.

I'm now aware of the tears running down my face.

I need out right now.

The figures are still looking at me. Still judging me.

I need out right now.

All of the insects begin to sting me at once.

I need out right now.

My skin is on fire again.

I NEED OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!

My coffin lid swings open and two of the figures reach down and pull me out. The insects are gone now. But I can still see the dark figures judging me as my two saviors guide me past them. I have put all of my trust in these two figures. I don't care where they lead me. I just need to get away from here. Just get me away from here. Please...

---

I'm lying fully-clothed on my bed. I've been in the Nurse's office for hours recovering from my attack. I can't remember anything about it. But, apparently, the whole class saw it. Hisao even had a front row ticket. Now he knows just how broken I am. I sigh to myself. A fucking panic attack, right in front of the boy I love. Hanako, you have really outdone yourself this time. I thought I was getting better. I thought that I might finally have a chance to be happy. But after what I put Hisao through today, there is no way he will see me as anything more than a child that he has to protect. I was so stupid to think I had a shot with him. I'll never be happy. Everyone will leave me and I will end up alone...

I could always kill myself...

No. No. No No No No No NO!!! Don't go to that place again, Hanako. I'm supposed to be getting better... I thought I was getting better...I feel the tears begin to flow down my face. I haven't gotten any better. I will never get any better. I will always be broken. I will always be Hanako. I begin to sob into my pillow.

There is no way out.

[Rikabro]

Very creepy! I had no idea where you were going with it until the end, so kudos for that.

A few suggestions.

1. I would use the word Coffin less.
2. I would omit all the profanity. I don't think Hanako talks or thinks that way.
3. While I like the repeating lines, you might consider making them a little less frequent and making intermittent paragraphs longer. That will make the use of repetition more effective. As it stands I think you're overdoing it a touch.

That said, I think you captured her inner turmoil quite well. It's much the way I would expect her to think. The imagery is eerie and when it came around to her skin burning, I really felt badly for her. This part:

Don't go to that place again, Hanako. I'm supposed to be getting better... I thought I was getting better...I feel the tears begin to flow down my face. I haven't gotten any better. I will never get any better. I will always be broken. I will always be Hanako. I begin to sob into my pillow.

Was excellent.

Hope to see more of your writing around here!

[PyramidSong]

Thanks for the suggestions. Like I said, I have very little experience as a writer so I'm still trying to find my voice. You gave me a really good idea of what works and what doesn't work. So thanks for that. I love your Rika fics by the way!