Black future

[MoonShadow]

I'm throwing myself in. I'm going to write a fan fiction about Katawa Shoujo. First of all, I need to tell you that it's my first attempt at writing a story in english without writing it in french before. Aside from my english classes, of course. My native language is french, and even if I am bilingual that doesn't mean it applies to writing a fiction. So, please be lenient. If you find any mistake, be it grammatical or a bad choice of word, please tell me. It will only help me improve.

Why don't you write it in french first?

Becuase I am lazy. Shut up.

Second, I want my story to be as canon as possible. As you will find soon enough, it start one month after the girls of Katawa Shoujo started their second year at Yamaku. If you find any mistake about that, please tell me too.

Your story can't be canon, your caracther doesn't exist in Katawa Shoujo!

You are running after trouble pal. Of course William is not in Katawa Shoujo, this is a fan fiction.

Finally, this story is not really constructed. I don't know what will happen in the second chapter. and I'm not even sure about what will happen in the first. I'm just going with my feelings and my imagination. I'll try to put a new chapter every two days, but I'm not protected against possible writer's block.

You haven't constructed your story, and you call yourself a writer?

...
Can someone throw him out of here?
Thanks.

Now, let's get strated.

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I am awakened by a bump in the road.
My cheeks are wet, I must have cried while sleeping.
I feel my watch. 10 minutes past 5. I slept for a least an hour and a half.
I let loose a small chuckle. It's been a long time since the last time I cried in my sleep. Well, no wonder I did this time, with what I was thinking before sleeping.

"Are you okay, son?"

The voice coming from my left startles me. It's a man. He must have seen me crying. I turn my head to the left, searching for him with my eyes, before remembering that I can't. Not anymore. An old reflex of mine.

"Yeah. Just a bad dream." I turn my head back to the front.

The man grunts, then I hear paper shuffling coming from his direction. He must be reading the newspaper or something.
I take out my handkerchief and wipe my face. I must have cried quite a lot, since my shirt is damp on the front. Luckily, I choose to wear black today, so it's not visible. I think.
I turn my head left again.

"Hum... I'm sorry, but do you know if we are close to the destination?"

More sounds of shuffled paper. "Yes. I've taken this bus quite a few times. We are no more than 10 minutes away; the mountain is already in view."

I twitch at the word "view". The man doesn't seem to realise his mistake, but it's enough to darken my mood a little. I decide not to talk to him anymore, and I let my mind wander back to what happened earlier this evening.

I boarded this bus 2 hours ago, just after saying goodbye to my parents. My mom was crying. Again. I hate it when she cries.
I was alone with the driver when the bus started moving, but I knew it wouldn't last. There was a lot of stops where people could get on board.
With nothing else to do, I started thinking about my future. Yamaku. A school for disabled students. It was "a good opportunity to start a new life," said my doctor. Said my parents. My ass. It was just somewhere I could learn faster than in the hospital. A school and nothing else, except that it's full of crippled people.
I decided to stop thinking about Yamaku, but instead I started to think about my past. About that event. The one that changed my life...

No. I must not think about that again, or else I will cry again. Talking about crying, I feel thirsty. I pick up my backpack from between my legs, pull out a water bottle and take a long sip.
Putting my bag back in it's place, I return to 2 hours ago.

So, when I thought about "that", I started crying. Big time. I was able to hide my sobbing with my hand, but tears were flowing like a river. Luckily, the driver never said a word. Maybe he didn't notice.
I cried for long minutes, before the bus stopped for the first time. Fearing that passengers would see me crying, but unable to stop, I feigned sleep. I would be able to blame the cause of my tears on a nightmare. Seems it worked in the end. After some time of feigning, I fell asleep for real.

Back to the present. I accepted going to Yamaku. After all, I want to be done with my high school studies as soon as possible.
I am brillant. Definetly brillant. I don't want to sound so prideful about it, but it's a fact. In elementary school, I skipped a year because I was too advanced for my classmates, meaning that I was always one year younger than my friends after that. Then that event happened, and I was in hospital for three years straight. That means that after a year without school, I was back to a normal age for where I was in my studies. I didn't want to be late for my age, so I asked if I could be taught in hospital. My parents found a private teacher, and in the last 2 years in hospital, I managed to do the equivalent of one year of school. Barely. 24 months to do 1 year of school, and I was the only student in the class. And I almost failed. Way to be counterproductive.
So now, I am going to Yamaku. I was accepted in class 2-2, even if I am coming a month late. In the end, I'll be one year older than my class, even if I struggled not to be.

The bus suddently stops, bringing me out of my head. I hear a lot of ruffling around ; we must be at destination, and people must be taking their luggage and leaving. I wait until most of the sound dies down before standing up, putting my backpack on my shoulders, picking up my cane and heading for the door.
I stand just outside the bus, waiting for someone to call my name. I was told that someone from Yamaku would be waiting for me. I hope they aren't standing somewhere in front of me, holding a sign with my name on it. That would be ridiculous.

After several minutes, all the sounds around me have died. The bus has left some time ago. I start to pull out my cell to call for help, when I hear footsteps approaching.

"Takeno Wi... Willam?"

A boy. Doesn't sound that old, maybe the same age as me. I turn to his direction.

"It's William. You can call me Bill if you want." I bow slightly.

"I am Konda. I'm sorry if I made you wait, but my book was so exciting that I didn't notice the bus arrive." He sounds genuinely sorry.

"No trouble. What's the title?"

"What? Oh, my book. It's Cursed Ronin." I don't recognize the title. Let's change the subject...

"Are we far from the school?"

"No, it's right there, on top of the hill." I almost say "What hill?", but I refrain from doing so. He continues : "Shall we get going?"

"Yes, yes. Lead the way." As I say that, I extend my left hand to put it on his shoulder or something, but I meet only empty air. I can hear his steps going away.

"Konda?" His steps stop. "I still have a lot of trouble moving outside, so I was wondering if you could lend me your shoulder or something."

He laugh nervously. Well, I think. He could be making fun of my helplesness, but I don't think so. His steps come closer.

"Yeah, of course. I'm sorry." With his help, I put my left hand on his right shoulder, then we head to the school, and my future.

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That's it for now. This chapter is not over yet, but it's time to eat. I will surely put the end of the chapter later this evening.

[Wind Slasher]

I''m in the planning stages for my own fanfic, so helping others will help improve my own writing.
I'll show changes in bold.

I am awakened by a bump in the road.
My cheeks are wet, I must have cried while sleeping.
I feel my watch, 10 minutes past 5. I slept for a least an hour and a half.
I let loose a small chuckle. It's been a long time since the last time I cried in my sleep. Well, no wonder I did this time, with what I was thinking before sleeping.

The first paragraph flows a bit better using commas, it's a bit stilted and choppy using so many short sentences.

"Are you okay, son?"

The voice coming from my left startles me. It's a man. He must have seen me crying. I turn my head to the left, searching for him with my eyes, before remembering that I can't. Not anymore. An old reflex of mine.

"Yeah. Just a bad dream." I turn my head back to the front.

The man grunts, then I hear paper shuffling from his direction. He must be reading a newspaper or something.
I take out my handkerchief and wipe my face. I must have cried quite a lot, since my shirt is damp on the front. Luckily, I choose to wear black today, so it's not visible. I think.
I turn my head left again.

"Hum... I'm sorry, but do you know if we are close to the destination?"

More sounds of shuffled paper. "Yes. I've taken this bus quite a few times. We are no more than 10 minutes away; the mountain is already in view."
No space on the semi-colon.

I twitch at the word "view". The man doesn't seem to realisehis mistake, but it's enough to darken my mood a little. I decide not to talk to him anymore, and I let my mind wander back to what happened earlier this evening.

I boarded this bus 2 hours ago, just after saying goodbye to my parents. My mom was crying. Again. I hate it when she cries.
I was alone with the driver when the bus started moving, but I knew it wouldn't last. There was a lot of stops where people could get on board.
With nothing else to do, I started thinking about my future. Yamaku. A school for disabled students. It was "a good opportunity to start a new life," said my doctor, said my parents. My ass. It was just somewhere I could learn faster than in the hospital. A school and nothing else, except that it's full of crippled people.
I decided to stop thinking about Yamaku, but instead I started to thinkabout my past. About that event. The one that changed my life...

No. I must not think about that again, or else I will cry again. Talking about crying, I feel thirsty. I pick up my backpack from between my legs, pull out a water bottle and take a long sip.
Putting my bag back in it's place, I return to 2 hours ago.

So, when I thought about "that", I started crying. Big time. I was able to hide my sobbing with my hand, but tears were flowing like a river. Luckily, the driver never said a word. Maybe he didn't notice.
I cried for long minutes, before the bus stopped for the first time. Fearing that passengers wouldsee me crying, but unable to stop, I feigned sleep. I would be able to blamethe cause of my tears on a nightmare. Seems it worked in the end. After some time of feigning, I fellasleep for real.

Back to the present. I accepted going to Yamaku. After all, I want to be done with my high school studies as soon as possible.
I am brillant. Definetly brillant. I don't want to soundso prideful about it, but it's a fact. In elementary school, I skipped a year because I was too advanced for my classmates, meaning that I was always one year younger than my friends after that. Then that event happened, and I was in hospital for three years straight. That means that after a year without school, I was back to a normal age for where I was in my studies. I didn't want to be late for my age, so I asked if I could be taughtin hospital. My parents found a private teacher, and in the last two years in hospital, I managed to do the equivalent of one year of school. Barely. 24 months to do 1 year of school, I was the only student in the class. And I almost failed. Way to be counterproductive.
So now, I am going to Yamaku. I was accepted in class 2-2, even if I am coming a month late. In the end, I'll be one year older than my class, even if I struggled not to be.

I bet you would like to know more about me. What, you don't? Well, I don't care. I am the narrator, so I'll say it anyway.
My name is William Takeno. Yes, that is an English first name with a Japanese surname. Ask my parents. I was born in Japan, but my mother is Canadian.
I am a boy, but I bet you knew that already. I am 17 years old.
I am blind. That too, you must have understood it already. I wasn't born blind; I was made blind, in an event that happened 3 years ago.
Again, no space on the semi-colon. How do you want William to sound? Using "I am" sounds more formal, if you want to sound like he conversing with the reader us "I'm" more often.

The bus suddently stops. I hear a lot of ruffling around; we must be arriving at my destination, and people must be taking their luggage and leaving. I wait until most of the sound dies down before standing up, putting my backpack on my shoulders, picking up my cane and heading for the door.
I stand just outside the bus, waiting for someone to call my name. I was told that someone from Yamaku would be waiting for me. I hope they aren't standing somewhere in front of me, holding a sign with my name on it. That would be ridiculous.

After several minutes, all the sounds around me have died. The bus have left some times ago. I start to pull out my cell to call for help, when I hear footsteps approaching.

"Takeno Wi... Willam?"

A boy. doesn't sound that old, maybe the same age as me. I turn to his direction.

"It's William. You can call me Bill if you want." I bow slightly.

"I am Konda. I'm sorry if I made you wait, but my book was so exciting that I didn't notice the bus arrive." He sounds genuinely sorry.

"No trouble. What's the title?"

"What? Oh, my book. It's Cursed Ronin." I don't recognize the title. Let's change the subject...

"Are we far from the school?"

"No, it's right there, on top of the hill." I almost say "What hill?", but I refrain from doing so. He continues : "Shall we get going?"

"Yes, yes. Lead the way." As I say that, I extend my left hand to put it on his shoulder or something, but I meet only empty air. I can hear his steps going away.

"Konda?" His steps stop. "I still have a lot of trouble moving outside, so I was wondering if you could lend me your shoulder or something."

He laugh nervously. Well, I think. He could be making fun of my helplesness, but I don't think so. His steps come closer.

"Yeah, of course. I'm sorry." With his help, I put my left hand on his right shoulder, then we head to the school, and my future.

That's everything I noticed, one thing to remember is that writing from a blind character's POV means that you have to make it clear how he perceives their reactions. For example, when William talks to Konda, how does he tell that Konda "seems sorry", saying "sounds sorry" implies that he can tell by hearing the tone of his voice.

[MoonShadow]

I''m in the planning stages for my own fanfic, so helping others will help improve my own writing.
I'll show changes in bold.

That's everything I noticed, one thing to remember is that writing from a blind character's POV means that you have to make it clear how he perceives their reactions. For example, when William talks to Konda, how does he tell that Konda "seems sorry", saying "sounds sorry" implies that he can tell by hearing the tone of his voice.

Thanks a lot, I made more grammar mistakes than I thought I would.

About the "seems sorry", I'm happy that it's the only mistake of this kind I made. I worked hard to be sure that I wouldn't place a visual description.

After I made this part, I noticed that not only is it the first text I write directly in english, but it's also a kind of story I'm not used to write. Most of my stories involves a lot of action and much less description, most of the time in a fantastic, DnD-like medival setting. If I were listening to myself, I would throw all the story of William's past in a thousand word and go on with the invasion of the feminists.

[MoonShadow]

Here is another part, as promised.

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We are walking in what must be the direction of the school. I have to trust Konda for that. My cane makes a regular tapping on the ground. Konda isn’t saying a word; maybe he still feels sorry for walking off and leaving me behind earlier. I feel uneasy. I have to find something to say.

“I guess you're a student at Yamaku too?”

“Yes. It’s my second year here. I’m in class 2-1.”

That answers my question from earlier. He’s in the same year as me. I’m about to ask something else when he says: “And you? Which year are you in?”

“I’m a junior, just like you.”

“So you will be attending to Lilly’s class? I mean, class 2-2?”

I have no idea who Lilly might be, maybe a teacher? But, “yes I’ll be in 2-2.”

It surprised me when I learned there were enough blind or low-vision students to fill a class on each year. I almost bring it up, but Konda must know that already.

Once again, when I open my mouth to say something, Konda cuts me: “I was surprised to find there were enough students with vision problems to fill three classes.”

Is he a mind reader? I answer: “Surprised me too. In the end it was some kind of relief; I’m not sure I would’ve liked a class with only four or five classmates.”

Konda continues: “I was also told that vision problems are very common. Even my vision isn’t perfect; I’m wearing glasses, you know?”

“Poor you. Wearing glasses, it must be hell every day.”

Dammit. That was too much. I told that with so much venom in my voice I scared myself. While I struggle to find the words to apologize, Konda keeps walking in silence. I wish I could go back in time. I’ll put that on my to-do list: invent a time machine.

We suddenly stop and Konda says: “Here we are, Yamaku’s entrance.”

I remove my hand from his shoulder and raise it forward without a word. He understands and guides me forward until my hand is on a wall. Rough, with small soft lines. Must be made of brick. I softly say: “It is red, isn’t it?”

No answer. My question must have surprised him. After a few seconds, he finally says: “Yes, yes, it is.”

“Bricks, I suppose?”

“Yes.”

I move my hand to the right until I meet a corner, which I turn, then, a little more to the right, until I meet cold metal. A grid. “And the grid? Which color?”

This time, his answer comes immediately: “Black.”

He says no more. I can feel the question in the air: Why do you ask? I turn to where I last heard him. “What is the predominant color around?”

“Huh?”

Ok, I lost him. Try again. “If you could describe our surroundings by naming only one color, what would it be?”

“…Green.”

A smile makes its way on my face. “I’m happy. Green is my favorite color. I suppose there is a lot of grass or trees around?”

“Yes, both. There is a forest behind us, on the other side of the road, and Yamaku’s park has lots of grass and a few trees.”

Another silence. I can still feel the question in the air. I decide to say: “Ask it. I won’t be mad.”

“Why… Why are you so interested in colors?”

My smile fades as I answer: “I wasn’t always blind. There was a time when I could see as you do, if not even better. I had good aim. I was the best of my class at Biohazard 4, do you know it?”

“Yes, I know what it is.”

“Green has always been my favorite color, but I didn’t really think about that ‘till I lost my sight. And now, my present and my future are both black.” Wow, that sounded so depressing. I laugh a little to lighten the mood.¸

Konda softly says: “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s just that now that I live in an eternal night, I wish the night was green.”

I let a few seconds pass before I add: “I’m sorry for what I said to you earlier.”

“It’s ok. What I said was untactful. Friends?”

I laugh, genuinely this time. He seems pretty simple to deal with. “Yeah, friends.”

I raise my left hand, and we shake hands.

“Now, time for a tour of the school!” He sounds full of energy. I want to take a small rest, but I can’t go against so much happiness. He puts his right hand on my left shoulder and gently pushes me forward. I think this tour will be much happier than the walk to the school.

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I would continue, but my father just came to ask my help for dinner , so I made a good ending phrase and I'm leaving you here. Maybe I'll post a little something before I go sleep.

[Mirage_GSM]

One more thing:

The bus hasve left some times ago.

Other than that a very good story.
I'm not sure I like the bit about the narrator directly adressing the reader. For me 4th wall breaking always has the connotation of comedy.
Also it feels a bit out of place because he only does it at one point. I'm not sure if this is going to become a regular thing in your story, but you should decide if you want to do it and then stick to your decision.

[MoonShadow]

One more thing:

The bus hasve left some times ago.

Other than that a very good story.
I'm not sure I like the bit about the narrator directly adressing the reader. For me 4th wall breaking always has the connotation of comedy.
Also it feels a bit out of place because he only does it at one point. I'm not sure if this is going to become a regular thing in your story, but you should decide if you want to do it and then stick to your decision.

You are right. It is out of place. But, you surely know it, it's the caracther that leads the story, and there was no place where William would let me describe him a little. Since the story couldn't go on without those important information, I made this, and it felt akward but okay. Now I'm not sure anymore. I'll try to modify this, but I don't think I can make it without having William talking to the reader.

Thanks for pointing out the mistakes.

Edit : I think I managed to make the scene better. Even if it's still obvious that William describe himself only for the reader, he never talks directly to them.

[Mirage_GSM]

Since the story couldn't go on without those important information, I made this, and it felt akward but okay...

Why?Wha's the special need to give this information in the first chapter? If it feels awkward, just wait for an opportunity to bring it up. And I assure you that opportunity will come as soon as it is relevant to the story. (If it never becomes relevant to the story, you needn't tell the reader. In my fics there's tons of information on my OCs that I never saw the need to use.)

Some fixes for chapter two:
- Once again, when I open my mouth to say something, Konda cuts me off: “I was surprised to foundfind there were...
- “Green always been my favorite color, but I didn’t really thoughtthink about that...

[MoonShadow]

Thank you Mirage for pointing out those mistakes.

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Konda feels like he is jumping more than walking, and this outburst of energy is contagious. He doesn’t stop talking, always describing me our immediate surroundings, and I am grateful for that. He helps me picture the school ground in my head. He doesn’t stop moving either. I can feel him moving close then far, although his hand never leaves my shoulder. Even if I can’t see it, I’m sure he’s making a lot of gestures while talking. He feels like that kind of guy.

The park smells like freshly cut grass. There is also a faint smell of flowers, although I couldn’t say what type.

It’s pretty calm around here. There is not a lot of sound. Well, aside from Konda. Between two phrases from my guide, I can hear shouting far away. Probably students playing some game.

“Now, we are in front of the main building.” Konda almost sounds like a touristic guide on a bus tour. This thought makes my smile wider. “It’s mostly dark red, with some white too. It’s made of bricks.” He pushes me further. “There is a sign, want to read it?”

My smile disappears completely. I thought he had his lesson earlier. I refrain from opening my mouth, since nothing good would come out. I must be making quite a bad face, since Konda says: “Hey, I didn’t mean it that way! It’s in braille.”

Oh. But it doesn’t change much, since: “I can’t read braille.”

That’s a lie, but if I tried to read the sign, it would take hours. I have been introduced to it only recently.

After bringing me inside the building, Konda return to his role of guide: “Is there somewhere you need or want to go?”

“I have to meet the head nurse, but he said any time before 8 o’clock, so we don’t need to go right now.” Saying that, I feel my watch: 6:15. We indeed have plenty of time. I continue: “For now, I would like to know the way to my classroom.”

“This way!” He pushes me slightly forward.

“Slow down. I need to know the way perfectly, since I will have to walk it every day, and alone most of the time. Where is the wall?”

He brings me to the right wall. I chuckle: “The left wall, please.” I take my cane in my left hand and raise my right so that Konda can see it. If he didn’t notice before, he surely does now. It is enveloped in what looks like a leather glove. I always use my right hand to hold my cane. If he asks, I’ll answer.

He does, indeed, ask: “Why do you wear a glove on the right hand but not the left?”

“It’s not a glove. Three year ago, I was hit by a car. The hit knocked me unconscious, but the real trouble happened when the truck behind rolled on my hand. It peeled most of the skin and muscle from the back of my hand. Back in the hospital, I noticed that I lost the sense of touch from that hand, as well as most of my strength. But it was still fully operational and flexible.” To picture my words, I close my hand in a fist then open it again. “The doctor gave me a few choices; he could amputate it, or try to graft skin on its back. But I since I wouldn’t get my sense of touch back even with a graft, I choose the leather glove. It’s sewed and glued on my hand; can’t remove it.”

There are a few lies in what I just said, but that’s what happened to my hand. Mostly.

“It’s… pretty cool.” His voice sounds different, but I can’t pick up what’s the problem.

I laugh. “You think? Well, it sure is better than the amputation. But if I could touch with both my hands, I’d make full use of that. Back to our problem: it would be much better for me to hug the left wall.”

“Roger.” He guides me to the other wall. “What about your nails?”

I didn't see that question coming. He’s not that predictable finally. “I don’t know the details, but they removed them and made sure they couldn’t grow back.”

I put my hand on the wall, and add: “Please cut the chatting ‘til we are at the class. I need to memorize the way.”

We start walking slowly, my left hand tracing the wall, my cane gently tapping the ground. Konda, staying by my side, is silent except when he informs me that we must turn right or that a stair is incoming. We stop on the second floor, in front of a wooden door.

“This is my class, 2-1,” says Konda. “Class 2-2 is right in front, across the corridor.”

I feel the door, until my hand touch the handle. Locked. I go further up, and I find a window in the middle of the door. Tracing the outline of the window, I feel a metal sign under it. There is something etched in it, but I can’t figure what. Under the etching, there are little dots; braille. There must be a sign like this one on every door in the school. Feeling the first group of dots, I make out what it is: the letter C. I then move and feel the lasts dots: number 1. The dots just before are number 2. It must be written “class 2-1” on the sign. Turning around, I walk straight forward until my cane hits something: wood. It's a door, exactly the same as the one I just left. Unless it's a different color. There is also a metal sign, but the lasts dots are number 2. Class 2-2. I grasp the handle and turn; it’s unlocked. There must be someone inside, so I knock at the door with my cane’s handle.

“Come in.” It’s a feminine voice. I push the door.

“Hello. How may I help you?” I take some steps inside, and I hear Konda following me. The door closes with a loud sound.

“Hi, I'm William Takeno, I've just transfered today. I'll be starting in this class tomorrow.”

“Ah yes. I was told about you.” I hear a chair moving on the floor, followed by the tickling of a cane coming closer. She must be blind, too. “My name is Lilly Satou, I am this class' representative. Welcome to Yamaku. Since we have the opportunity, would you like to familiarize yourself with the class layout?”

“Yes, that could be a good idea, but…” I put my hand on my watch, but before I can figure the time, someone knocks on the door.

Lilly voice rises: “Come in.”

The door opens and a boy says: “Hello. Hey Konda, I was looking for you; we are starting a soccer game, I’m sure you would like to join.”

“Sure! But, in fact, no, I was giving a tour to Bill, he is new here…”

I feel my watch. 6:40. I can spend some time in the classroom, and I don’t want to force Konda to wait for me.

“Go, Konda. I’m going to explore the classroom and it will take some time. I don’t want to hold you here.”

“But… Your appointment with the nurse?”

Damn. Forgot that. It’s true that I won’t be able to find him alone.¸

Lilly voice rises again: “I can help you when we are done here.”

“You sure?” That was Konda.

“Yes. Go have fun.”

“Alright. I’ll see you around Bill.” Shortly after, the door closes, and the silence returns.

Lilly breaks it first: “Bill?”

I laugh. “He had some troubles with my name. I told him to use this one. My friends used to call me that way.” Lilly’s giggles fill the air. It’s a nice sound. I turn left and take a few steps, until my cane hits something metallic. I take one more step and move my hand forward; it’s a desk. Probably a student’s desk. It’s in wood, with metallic feet.

Turning to where I heard Lilly's laugh from, I say: “I've got to see the nurse before 8 o’clock, so I can stay forty minutes at best.” Not as much as what I'd like.

“Then I'll indicate you where your desk is, but first I have something to give you give you.”

I hear her walk away, then I hear a drawer opening and some shuffled papers. Then some silence.

“Takeno?”

“William, please. And I am here.”

She walks in my direction. I notice her steps are much faster than mine when I am moving alone. She must have been blind for quite some time. Or maybe she just knows her class by heart. I was moving quite fast in the hospital during my last year there.

“Here. It’s your class schedule.”

I slowly move my hand until I meet a sheet of paper. I take it; I can feel a lot of dots on it. Braille.

“I can’t read braille.”

“I can read it for you. Do you have a good memory?”

“Yes, quite good.” That is an understatement, but my memory seems to work only on useless things, like song lyrics or dark events of the Second World War. I should still be able to memorize a simple schedule.

Lilly takes the schedule back and read it. At my demand, she read it a second time, then I assure her I memorized it. My schedule is quite strange; I have free time Tuesday morning and again Thursday afternoon because I am excused from English classes, but I have two braille classes after regular classes Mondays and Fridays.

I spend thirty-five minutes moving back and forth in the class, until I can move between my desk, the teacher’s desk, the front door and the back door without hitting a desk or a wall. I also know the position of Lilly’s desk. Should be enough for now; I’ll have plenty of time to explore my class during the next year.

We spend ten minutes chatting, especially about what I missed during the first month. In the end, we decide to leave so that I won’t want to miss my rendezvous. When I stand up, my legs protest; I feel tired and hungry. I've walked too much today. Lilly take my left wrist and pull me to the door.

“Yeah! Some more walking!” I say sarcastically.

Lilly’s laugh fills the air as we pass the door. It’s really a nice sound.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I could have continued today, but instead I will play some Resident Evil 4. Ashley needs my help.

Tommorow, it's possible I attend to Dark Ascension release party, in which case I won't write anything. On the other hand, if I don't go, I'll probably spend the whole day writing. (and playing some more RE4)

[griffon8]

Some fixes for chapter two:
- “Green always been my favorite color, but I didn’t really thoughtthink about that...

I'd change 'didn't' to 'hadn't' and keep 'thought'.

Also:

“Yes, both. There is a forest behind us, on the other side of the road, and Yamaku’s park gothas lots of grass and a few trees.”

You're new to this. Keep writing and you get better. Like the art teacher says, "You've got 50,000 bad art pieces in you; start getting them out."

[MoonShadow]

You're new to this. Keep writing and you get better. Like the art teacher says, "You've got 50,000 bad art pieces in you; start getting them out."

I am not new to writing, although I was never publiced as a professional writer. I am new to writing in english as a first language. If I had 50,000 bad art pieces in me, there must be around 49,000 left in me.

[Mirage_GSM]

I'm noticing some similarities to another currently ongoing fic here on the forum...
I like your story anyway.
There were one or two typos again, but nothing major.
Ont thing though: I think Lilly's position is class representative, not class president.
President is Shizune's position in the Student Council.

[Wind Slasher]

One thing that seems out of place, you say he's brilliant, but he also takes two years of tutoring to cover one year of classes and still fails. the two facts clash in the story, if there's no real reason for him to be so smart then remove that detail.

Here's everything that I caught in the second part, I'll delete any lines that I didn't change this time.

We are walking in what must be the direction of the school. I have to trust Konda for that. My cane makes a regular tapping sound on the ground, which must be a sidewalk from the sound of it. Konda isn’t saying a word; maybe he still feels sorry for walking off and leaving me behind earlier. I feel uneasy. I have to find something to say.

How does the ground sound like a sidewalk? This is a slightly awkward sentence, maybe talk about how he feels walking on the path or what their footsteps sound like, that seems a bit more plausible that guessing the sound made when his cane taps the ground.

“I guess you're a student at Yamaku too?”

Aside from corrections, this also sounds more like a conversation, but I'll cover that a bit more at the end.

“So you will be attending Lilly’s class? I mean, class 2-2?”


I remove my hand from his shoulder and raise it forward without a word. He understands and guides me forward until my hand is on a wall. Rough, with small soft lines. Must be made of brick. I softly say: “It is red, isn’t it?”

I'm not quite sure what texture you want the bricks to have, but rude was the wrong word.

This time, his answer comes immediately: “Black.”


“Yes, both. There is a forest behind us, on the other side of the road, and Yamaku’s park has got lot of grass and a few trees.”

“Why… Why are you so interested in colors?”

“Green has always been my favorite color, but I didn’t really think about that ‘till I lost my sight. And now, my present and my future are both black.” Wow, that sounded so depressing. I laugh a little to lighten the mood.¸

I let a few seconds pass before I add: “I’m sorry for what I said to you earlier.”
“Now, time for a tour of the school!” He sounds full of energy. I want totake a small rest, but I can’t go against so much happiness. He puts his right hand on my left shoulder and gently pushes me forward. I think this tour will be much happier than the walk to the school.

One other problem with your writing is that you use things like "it is" in conversation, this is alright when used sparingly of by a formal speaker, but a student will be more likely to use contractions, like "it's" instead of "it is" or "I'll" instead of "I will", you're writing can sound stilted without using contractions One tip about conversations I can give is that you should try saying what they say out loud, this can help you try and make then sound more natural.

I should tell more about me. Maybe that will prepare me for when I must introduce to my class.
My name is William Takeno. Yes, that is an English first name with a Japanese surname. My parents choose my name, not that I'm complaining. I was born in Japan, but my mother is Canadian.
I'm a boy, but that must be obvious. I'm 17 years old.

I agree that this is out of place, this could all fit very easily in a few places without breaking the flow of the story, when he meet's Konda, a faculty member could go over his file with gim or. as you wrote, it could go in his introduction to the class. We don't need to know most of these details straight away, so don't rush to include them unncecessarily.

Other than that, good story so far, I might go over the third part later.

[MoonShadow]

Good morning, hmm I mean good afternoon everyone. I decided not to go play Magic, but instead I overslept . I'll still give you a new part today.

I'm noticing some similarities to another currently ongoing fic here on the forum...
I like your story anyway.
There were one or two typos again, but nothing major.
Ont thing though: I think Lilly's position is class representative, not class president.
President is Shizune's position in the Student Council.

If there are similarities to other fictions here, it's only a coincidence; the only stories I read here were With Apologies To Harlan Ellison, Cutter and Going the Distance.
Thanks for Lilly, I'll change that.

One thing that seems out of place, you say he's brilliant, but he also takes two years of tutoring to cover one year of classes and still fails. the two facts clash in the story, if there's no real reason for him to be so smart then remove that detail.

I don't know if you noticed, but William was blinded by an accident 3 years before this story, so 1 year before he started to be tutored. Now, try it : go to school, and spend a whole year with your eyes closed. I wonder if you'll be able to pass your exams in the end.

William lost his eyes, and he doesn't know braille. It was one of the things he started learning in tutor. I think that being able to pass his exams after 2 years of studying in these conditions is actually a proof that he's brillant.

One other problem with your writing is that you use things like "it is" in conversation, this is alright when used sparingly of by a formal speaker, but a student will be more likely to use contractions, like "it's" instead of "it is" or "I'll" instead of "I will", you're writing can sound stilted without using contractions One tip about conversations I can give is that you should try saying what they say out loud, this can help you try and make then sound more natural.

That's one of my biggest problem. There is no contractions like this in french. In the English as a Second Language class, we were told that we shouldn't use contractions when writing, unless it's a caracther talking. In the end, most texts I wrote in class included few talking and more action, and the teachers wouldn't mark it as a mistake if we ommited a contraction in a conversation. I took the habit of never using contractions when writing. I'll try to give more attention to this in the future.

I should tell more about me. Maybe that will prepare me for when I must introduce to my class.
My name is William Takeno. Yes, that is an English first name with a Japanese surname. My parents choose my name, not that I'm complaining. I was born in Japan, but my mother is Canadian.
I'm a boy, but that must be obvious. I'm 17 years old.

I agree that this is out of place, this could all fit very easily in a few places without breaking the flow of the story, when he meet's Konda, a faculty member could go over his file with gim or. as you wrote, it could go in his introduction to the class. We don't need to know most of these details straight away, so don't rush to include them unncecessarily.

Other than that, good story so far, I might go over the third part later.

Ok, I concede. You are right. Konda says his name shortly after this part, and I'll have the nurse mention his age in the next part. When he says he blind, I can simply remove that, it's obvious anyway.

Another problem I often struggle with is my lack of vocabulary. Rough, Guess, etc. are all words I know, but when I'm writing they don't come easilly, and sometimes I spend 5 minutes fixing the screen only because I can't find the right word, or a synonym to the word I've already used 3 times. In the end, I write Rude to say Rough, or struggle to find what I could write when I already used Bet and Suppose. I guess this problem will only resolve by writing more, and maybe writing a little more too. Oh, and reading too, but I already do that a lot.

Thanks for pointing out the mistakes.

[Wind Slasher]

I don't know if you noticed, but William was blinded by an accident 3 years before this story, so 1 year before he started to be tutored. Now, try it : go to school, and spend a whole year with your eyes closed. I wonder if you'll be able to pass your exams in the end.

William lost his eyes, and he doesn't know braille. It was one of the things he started learning in tutor. I think that being able to pass his exams after 2 years of studying in these conditions is actually a proof that he's brillant.

I'd guessed that, but firstly, having a private tutor is very different from being in a school. Secondly, if braille is that important then why didn't he learn that before trying to do a year of school? If he's so brilliant and wants to stay the same age as his peers then shouldn't he have used all that time in the hospital to study?

I won't bother arguing anymore, but this just seems wrong.

Here's part three:

The park smells like freshly cut grass. There is also a faint smell of flowers, although I couldn’t say what type.

I didn't see that question coming. He’s not that predictable finally. “I don’t know the details, but they removed them and made sure they couldn’t grow back.”

We start walking slowly, my left hand tracing the wall, my cane gently tapping the ground. Konda, staying by my side, is silent except when he informs me that we must turn right or that a staircase is incoming. We stop on the second floor, in front of a wooden door.

I feel the door, until my hand touch the handle. Locked. I go further up, and I find a window in the middle of the door. Tracing the outline of the window, I feel a metal sign under it. There is something etched in it, but I can’t figure what. Under the etching, there are little dots; braille. There must be a sign like this one on every door in the school. Feeling the first group of dots, I make out what it is: the letter C. I then move and feel the lasts dots: number 1. The dots just before are number 2. It must be written “class 2-1” on the sign. Turning around, I walk straight forward until my cane hits something: wood. It is a door, exactly the same as the one I just left. Unless it a different color. There is also a metal sign, but the lasts dots are number 2. Class 2-2. I grasp the handle and turn; it’s unlocked. There must be someone inside, so I knock at the door with my cane’s handle.

“Come in.” It’s a feminine voice. I push the door.

“Hello. How may I help you?” I take some steps inside, and I hear Konda following me. The door closes with a dry sound.
Dry? Not quite sure what you want there.

“Hi, I am William Takeno, I am a transfer student that must start tomorrow in this class.”
Alt: Hi, I'm William Takeno, I've just transferred to Yamaku and I'll be starting in this class tomorrow.

“Ah yes. I was told about you.” I hear a chair moving on the floor, followed by the tickling of a cane coming closer. She must be blind, too. “My name is Lilly Satou, I am this class' representative. Welcome to Yamaku. Since we havethe opportunity, would you like to familiarize yourself with the class's layout?”

Lilly voice rises: “Come in.”


Lilly voice rises again: “I can help you when we are done here.”

I laugh. “He had some troubles with my name. I told him to use this one. My friends used to call me that.” Lilly’s giggles fill the air. It’s a nice sound. I turn left and take a few steps, until my cane hits something metallic. I take one more step and move my hand forward; it’s a desk. Probably a student’s desk. It’s in wood, with metallic feet.

Turning around to what I think is Lilly’s direction, I say: “I must meet with the nurse before 8 o’clock, so I can stay forty minutes here.”
Alt: Turning to where I heard Lilly's voice from, I say: "I've got to see the nurse before 8 o'clock, so I've got some time to spend here."

“Then I will indicate you your desk’s position, but before there is something I must give you.”
Alt: "Then I'll show you where your desk is, but first I have to give you something."

I hear her walk away, then I hear a drawer opening and some shuffled papers. Then some silence.

Lilly takes the schedule back and read it. At my demand, she read it a second time, then I assure her I memorized it. My schedule is quite strange; I have a wholeTuesday morning and another Thursday afternoon free because I am excused fromEnglish classes, but I have two braille classes after regular classes Mondays and Fridays.

We spend ten minutes chatting, especially about what I missed during the first month. In the end, Lilly and I decide that I should leave if I don’t want to miss my rendezvous. When I stand up, my legs protest; I feel tired and hungry. Lilly take my left wrist and pull me to the door.

[MoonShadow]

I'd guessed that, but firstly, having a private tutor is very different from being in a school. Secondly, if braille is that important then why didn't he learn that before trying to do a year of school? If he's so brilliant and wants to stay the same age as his peers then shouldn't he have used all that time in the hospital to study?

I won't bother arguing anymore, but this just seems wrong.

I don't want to spoil anything, but I can say this: the doctors (and William) kept hope for a long time that his sight might come back. He went through a lot of surgeries for that. That's why he refused to learn braille in the beggining, but he still wanted to keep up with his studies. Also, he couldn't spend ALL his time studying, at first because of the surgeries, then later because he had to learn walking with a cane, he had to train his ears, and he started to learn braille in addition to regular studies. There are other reasons but I won't spoil too much.

Thanks again for pointing out the mistakes. I would like if someone could read my texts before I put them here, but I'm currently the best in english at home.