This took me a while to be anywhere close to satisfied with -_-" Apologies for the delay (and the double post ">_>)
=======Chapter 10=======
"Tenth Misgiving"
When I finally exit the dorms again, it's half past nine. I must've been standing on the track field for over an hour for it to be this late now. That hour was the polar opposite of last night, though. Where last night was a pleasant blur, this morning was a prolonged hell. Realizing what had happened when that teacher finally called out to me didn't help either.
I just broke Emi's heart.
On the plus side, after sunday, she'll have four months to recover. And that thought makes me sigh wearily. The next 'playthrough' is going to be awkward as hell. Tomorrow and sunday are actually going to be worse than that, probably. Sunday, especially, since there's a good chance I won't even see Emi tomorrow.
I walk out of the dorms, sighing as I wonder what I should do now. There's no way I can just go to class this late. I also don't feel like eating anything right now. I could always go to the library and pick some different books. I let out another sigh.
"Stop doing that. You're causing a disturbance, and I never know what happens when there's a disturbance."
"Oh. Hi, Rin. Sorry."
"Well, I suppose I'll manage, somehow. Better than Emi will, anyway."
I wince at that. "You really know how to kick a person when they're down, don't you?" Again, that came out sharper than I intended.
"Only because I can't punch."
I give a groan at the deadpan delivery of that statement, and finally walk around the corner separating me from her mural. Rin's expression, when I can see it, is one of sly smugness. It doesn't last long when she sees me, though. "Ah, so you still have the ability to walk. How boring." And she turns her attention back to her mural.
Even after having spent countless weeks with her, I still can't figure Rin out. I doubt I ever will.
"Are you going to keep standing there? Not that it bothers me, but I'd rather you help me if you're sticking around."
"Ah, sure," I respond, and sit down in my usual spot.
"Remember that green that's like the color you see when you wake up and you just
know you solved the secrets of the world but can't remember?"
"Um, not really. According to you, I never got it right."
"That's because it needed half a splash of yellow, and I didn't realize until today."
"That's it?" I ask of her, not really believing her.
"Yes, that's it," she replies as deadpan as ever, completely discarding the tone of my voice. "Could you mix that?"
"Oh, right, just a moment." I mix what Rin says is half a splash of yellow with the green paint, and Rin's eyes widen slightly.
"Add one more drop of green." Again, I do as she asks, and when I'm done stirring, she immediately dips a brush in it and fervently starts to paint in parts of the mural.
Fervent enough that she almost makes a mess of it. She mumbles something, obviously frustrated, and to her directions, I clean up the spatters of green that aren't supposed to be there. Rin's sudden enthusiasm doesn't stop, though, and I have to clean off more spatters several times. I dare not say a word to interrupt her now. I spend the rest of the morning mixing paints for Rin, using the shorthand we developed what seems so long ago now, and Rin's fervor doesn't stop until it's almost noon.
When she finally does take a rest, I look over the mural for only the second time this week. The first difference I notice, is several small rabbits throughout the painting. The second major difference is that Rin used different colors in several places, and even changing the shape of a few of the 'people' she painted. One less here, one more there. One more leg for this one, one arm hidden behind that one.
"I see you added in those rabbits," I say after the silence has stretched out for several minutes.
Rin just 'hmms', examining her toes. "I think I sprained my big toe," she suddenly says with a grimace. To which I have no idea what to say.
Sighing, I decide to broach a subject I'd rather get out of the way now than later. "Emi told you what happened this morning, I take it?"
Rin first just 'hmms' again, then says, "Yeah. She was crying and she only stops crying if I first listen to what it is she's crying about, and then hopefully she'll calm down enough to help me get dressed, but she didn't this morning." Then she pauses, for no apparent reason. "So I had to do it myself. Getting dressed."
"Right. That seems obvious."
"Rea- don't distract me, Hisao." I get a deadpan stare for a moment before she goes on.
"So even though she was crying, she wasn't very loud, like she'd been last night - did I mention I heard her cry last night too?" I shake my head, at which she shrugs. "Well, she was. At first she only said 'it's over', which doesn't tell me anything, and I said so to her. Then she started talking about last night, after she came back from her horsing around. Said she saw you and two girls just outside the dorms. Which girls, by the way? Emi said their names, but I forgot."
Sighing, I say, "Lilly and Hanako. We were going to have dinner there. Hanako and I helped out Lilly's class with festival preparations again, and none of us had eaten yet."
"Oh? What did you have?" Rin asks with a sly grin.
I grimace at her, saying, "I don't remember." That earns me a very smug smile. I'm starting to get tired of seeing smug expressions. "Do you at least know why Emi never jumped out to stop Hanako?"
Rin seems to ponder that before she answers. "Well, she said she wanted to see your response."
"Okay, but I never noticed she was even near us. That's not like Emi at all."
Again, Rin seems to be pondering my question. She doesn't seem to like her conclusion as she frowns and says, "You're right, it's not. I think I asked her the same..."
"And? How'd she respond?" I prod Rin verbally when she stays quiet too long.
"Hm? Oh, she said she froze. First when she saw you three together, then when the mystery toilet girl kissed you." She tilts her head to the right, then seemingly finishes with, "She said she didn't recover until the blind girl came back, and then she snuck into the dorms."
I let the conversation die out this time. I've heard enough about last night now, anyway. I'm also glad Rin didn't look my way when she mentioned Hanako's.. actions from last night. Really, any more blushing and I'll black out again. Guess it's another small victory that I didn't end up with the Nurse a second time this week. But the reason for this particular victory makes me sigh again.
"If you keep that up, there'll really be a disturbance."
"What kind of disturbance?"
"I'm not sure, but I know it will be dire. Like weekends." She grimaces slightly, before taking me by surprise again with her next question. "So," Rin says, "how'd you do it?"
I blink at her and ask, "Do what?"
She purses her lips a moment before responding. "You didn't change much. Why not? You seem like the type of person who'd change easily in something unusual like.. this." She grimaces a moment. "We need a word for this weird stuff that's going on."
Her last statement only barely registers. She's right. How come I'm practically the same, despite what state I was in before this week started? I was in a cage, in my own mind. I'd lost the ability to feel. I'd given up on everything. So why am I the same as always? Did I break out of my cage, only to return to being the same, boring person?
Pathetic. Completely pathetic. One would think a person would at least learn something from going through this kind of infinity. But no, I learned nothing. When it matters, I still can't do anything. Only an idiot would stay the same.
"Hisao?" Rin's voice is barely audible to me.
Why didn't I change? What kept me the same? Or am I too stuck in my ways to even be able to change?
"Hisao, are you alright?" Her voice is becoming less faint. As if I was underwater, and slowly rising to the surface again. Slowly, so slowly, returning to air.
I find myself curled up in a small ball, with my hands gripping my hair. The muscles in my face hurt, as if I had them clenched and twisted tight. "Hisao, if you don't say anything soon, I'm going to have to resort to different methods than using my voice to make you respond." I can only now hear the genuine worry in Rin's voice. So that's the extent of what I can cause. Pain in one, worry in another. And a third now refuses to talk to me.
"Alright, Hisao, I warned you..."
"I'm here."
"Oh, good. I hate the taste of paint."
The relief in her voice is from more than not having to taste paint. Even I can tell that much. Out of the corner of my eye, I see her lowering her foot. Wait, she was going to give me a wet willy? Seeing that, I raise my head and stare at her. She just looks at me with her usual expression, then says, "What? It works on Emi."
"I doubt Emi is prone to losing her sanity over a simple question," I retort. "Anyway, why haven't
you changed? Or Emi, for that matter?"
Rin stares at me with a 'you really have to ask?' look before responding. "I'm just me. This stuff doesn't really bother me, other than being forced to paint this mural the same way every time. Until tuesday. Something changed tuesday, like someone found out how to break the rules or something." She tilts her head to the right again, then says, "That's why you were running on wednesday, right? Because you or someone else broke something on tuesday?"
I just nod. I'm not sure why, but I feel as if I open my mouth now, something will break again, or maybe what was broken suddenly gets fixed. I don't want that. So I keep quiet, for now.
Again, Rin 'hmms' before going on. "Well, Emi just tried to wave it all off as if nothing was happening at first, and even after she admitted things were messed up she kept hiding behind her cheerfulness. But she broke a while ago." There's a small bit of emotion in Rin's voice then, but I can't figure out what it is. "Well, maybe the breaking of whatever it is that broke will help fix Emi now. By the way, do you know what it is that broke?"
"My cage did." It's all I manage to say at first, but when Rin stares at me looking dumbfounded, I keep talking. "See, by the time I realized things were repeating, I already had two separate minds. One was a blank slate at the start, every single time, and the other had all the memories piled up inside. Well, I guess that second half is this me." I shrug a little, and laugh slightly, but it sounds very, very fake. "And I had to keep the two separated, or things would get weird, freaky, or just plain disturbing. So I locked myself in a cage, and put it in the back of the blank slate's mind."
My voice slowly rises as I go on, and I talk faster. I think I heard some footsteps before, but there's no one else here, so I was probably imagining it. "I tried a lot of things to change what happened, but nothing would work, not even driving the blank slate insane, or getting him to overdose or jump off a roof or things like that. It just kept starting over and over and over. Back to a snow-covered grove behind my school, back to a love confession that gives me a heart attack. Back to four months in a hospital, and back to a week that ends in six different ways."
I laugh now, starting to lose myself anew. "I lost it! I completely lost it! I lost everything that was me, that was Hisao Nakai, all drowned out in frantic despair, and even that disappeared when everything just went numb! I spent millennia in that cage! I must have!" Rin hasn't interrupted me once, but I can feel her eyes piercing me from two sides. How'd she pull that off? "And you know what happened then? This week? This tuesday?" I laugh again, sounding maniacal now, but my voice turns cold with sudden anger. "Hanako asked me a simple question! Just a small question consisting of my name and four words! 'Hisao, do you play chess', she asked! And that shattered my cage. I was me again, but for how long? Was it going to last beyond this week? Would I ever get to live a normal life again? Those were questions I should have asked myself, but I didn't! I hid behind the shock of being myself again." I turn my head towards Rin now. "You asked me why I didn't change."
My face contorts into that of a maniac. I know it does, I can feel it, but I can't stop it. I can see Rin's eyes widening. Is that fear? Or just disbelief? Or maybe it's just surprise. I can't tell. I'm going mad!
"I only had two options. Hide myself from me, or go mad." My tone of voice turns bright, almost joking. "I think I just went mad!"
I laugh again. Hysterically. Maddeningly. I can't stop it. I can't do anything now. Did I really only now turn mad? I doubt it. It must have happened sooner than this. It was just hiding under the surface, waiting for a chance to break loose. How didn't I notice this? How didn't anyone else see? Or was I that good at hiding it, even from myself?
I'm drifting now. Or maybe I'm being carried. I'm still laughing. Why can't I stop laughing? This isn't a joke! Why did I start laughing anyway? I try to stop, but nothing I try works. It's like before. I've lost all control of myself. And this time, I can't even make myself a cage.
I feel a prick in my arm. Did they - yes, they're sedating me. At least that'll stop the laughter.
And everything goes black once more.
================================
Oh, Rin, if you won't be the death of Hisao, you'll be the cause of insanity... 
