The March of The Feminists (Chapter 1 posted)

[ShadowHunter23]

Here's my very first fan fic I decided to post in the KS Forums. I first sent kosherbacon a draft of this to see what he thinks of this and helped me out a bit by pointing out some stuff. You can say that this is the sequel of The Coming Storm by kosherbacon. If there's some typos or anything, please point it out and tell me what you think. (I'm just 13 and a fledgling writer so please don't criticize me too hard.)

The March of the Feminists

Prologue
Pulling the Strings

Somewhere in Japan…

In a room only lit by moonlight coming from the skylight above, a lone figure sits comfortable on her chair, taking sip of her cup of tea while enjoying the pristine view of the sea. Bits of moonlight passed through the window and onto the woman’s face.

Light from lightning from the clouds above lit up the room for a moment, revealing a fully furnished and decorated room. There was a long table in the center of the room. A huge map of the world is spread out on top, with several pieces of Chess, Risk, and Battleship marked several locations on the map. And there’s a statue of a female goddess wielding a spear and shield that oversees the whole room.

The female figure stands up from her seat, as if expecting someone to come. Two great doors slowly open, light pours into the room, a pink haired woman comes in.

“So you have come. It was getting lonesome drinking tea just by myself. Care for some parfait?”

“Oh, no my queen, thank you but I’m already full.” The visitor said as she kneels before her.

“Rise, my faithful subject. You have shown your loyalty enough to please me. I hope you’re still loyal in the future, my confidante.”

“I’m loyal and forever be to you, my lady. I’m sure the Goddess will guide you.”

An antique golden phone on a small coffee table abruptly rings.

“Do you mind, my dear?”

“I’ll be all over it, my queen.”

The queen’s loyal subject picks up the phone with haste and speaks with the caller on the antique telephone.

“My queen, it seems to be urgent that you talk to, the artist from the Yamaku Genetics facility”

The queen came to the phone to communicate with the one called the artist.

“What is so urgent, my subordinate?”

“My apologies for intruding my highness but I have the DNA serum you wish.”

“Is cloning technology now available?”

“Unfortunately my queen, cloning is still has some problems like unexpected mutations.”

“Let it be, keep that serum safe, that genetic piece of material is our key to make the perfect soldier.”

“I shall guard it with my life and may the Goddess watch over you.”

“And may the goddess give you knowledge.”

The queen places the receiver down and turns towards her loyal subject.

“Shall we go?”

“It will be my pleasure if we do.”

The two left the room and were approached by two female guards, equipped with Gauss Rifles and wearing body armor with an emblem of a falcon engraved in the middle. One of them speaks with their benevolent master.

“My lady, sentries have found and captured a group of spies sneaking around in the Goddess’s sanctum and have taken them to the dungeons. What do you to do to them?”

“I want one of them in the Torture room and send the rest to be harvested.”

“As you wish, my lady.”

The two left, bearing the orders of their master.

“Shall we go my queen?”

“Indeed”

The two went to the Torture room where prisoners are to be forced to squeal out interesting information. As the two went through the corridors of the Palace, the followers who encountered their queen kneel at her presence, showing their undying faith to their leader.

As they reached their destination, two fully armored knights opened the door to the condemned room and accompanied them in the dark chamber. One of the knights turns on the lights, revealing a gruesome scene. Traps used for torture are located at different parts of the room; some even has their victims rotting inside them. The walls are stained with the blood of the victims of the room, desperately trying to claw their way out but to no avail. And in the middle of the room is one of the spies from the condemned group. Naked, blindfolded, and tied to a chair. He seems to be uttering a short prayer.

“So, you dare enter the sanctum of the Goddess? I ought to castrate you here and now!”

“You’re a heretic and vile woman! You’ll never get away from this!”

“Oh, I’m not going to because we’re taking over.”

“What are you saying?!”

“How dare you yell at me with such insolence? You’re lucky you’re not sent to be harvested in the Genetics Lab!”

“Harvested, you’re, y-you’re?”

“We’re collecting men’s semen. We’re experimenting with male DNA, developing viruses to make you submit to my rule.”

“But, why are you doing this?!”

“It’s very simple, you see, women are the ones who should be ruling the Human race, not you barbarous curs. Men are filthy, inconsiderate creatures who live just to kill and fuck! Making all kinds of shit just to say that you are the dominate force but the women should be that force. We deserve more than a life of serving men and quenching their thirst for sex. So that’s why we’re developing a virus that will control you savage beasts and bend to our will. It’s the time of women to rise and men to go to their rightful place as our devoted pets!”

“You’re crazy!”

“Knight, give me the experimental S-virus”

“Yes my queen.”

The servant gives a vial filled with a viscous green fluid and removed the blindfold of the victim.

“Hakamichi Shizune! I should’ve known that you’re behind all this. I was right all along. From Yamaku to the throne of the Emperor, you’ve become an empress yourself. Damn you!”

“I’m glad that you remembered. Because of you, Kenji, we managed to continue our operations undisturbed. Now, I’m going to liberate you of your ways.”

“Hey, what are you going to do with that?”

Shizune opens the vial and splashes the contents on Kenji’s face.

“What is this?!”

“You’ll be liberated, one way or another. Hehe.“

“What’s happening to me?!”

Kenji eye’s begins to be bloodshot and his face turns red while the queen and her subordinates merely watched, enjoying the death of a man who was a thorn in Shizune’s side. The queen’s “second-in-command” takes notes of what’s happening to their victim, Kenji Setou, who was being experimented with the experimental S-virus. His blood soon begins to drip out of his nose, his eyes crying blood. His mouth also fills up with the crimson fluid, slowly drowning in the very thing that brought him life. Every orifice in his body soon bleeds and soon enough, he died a gruesome death, either by drowning in his own blood or merely died from massive blood lost.

“Knight, get this corpse incinerated and spread it around my garden. My flowers could use some male fertilizer.”

As the queen declares such a morbid command, the faithful followers dragged the bloody corpse into a chute where corpses are suppose to be thrown in to be incinerated, leaving a trail of blood from a bloody puddle.

“Are my Legions ready Shiina?”

“Of course my queen, your warriors are ready to die for the will of the Goddess and the will of the Hakamichi. Do you want the invasion to be done now my lady?”

“Let’s not be hasty Misha. There is only one more thorn to get rid of… right Satou.”

One of the Knights removes her helmet and turned out to be Satou Lilly, an old enemy of the Feminists years ago.

“Yes milady, the one you seek is Ikezawa Hanako, the last leader of the Enlightened Liberation Front.”

“Will you take care of your old friend?”

“I’ll take care of her, personally.”

“Do not fail me or the wrath of the Goddess will befall on you.”

“Acknowledged my queen, I shall head out to execute Ms. Ikezawa.”

The defected knight left the room to take down Ikezawa Hanako while the Feminists prepare for the coming war.
-------------------------------------------------------------

A week later…

“Hisao, I’m going out for short walk.”

“Be careful Hanako, and come back soon.”

Leaving the safety of her home, Hanako, is one of the leaders of the Enlightened Liberation Front and heads out to a meeting with the Anti-Feminists but was being watched without her knowledge.

The tracker is observing her via rooftop while relaying information to her would-be assailant information on her whereabouts.

Hanako obliviously walked into an alleyway nearby and the tracker surely follows but to her surprise, she lost her target.

“Madam Satou, the target, she is gone.”

“Find her; I need to know where the meeting will take place.”

“Yes madam”

*Gun cocks*“Looking for me?”

The tracker didn’t move because she knows that there’s a gun aimed at the back of her head.

“Good girl, I thought I have to splatter you brains all over the street below, now what is Lilly up to?”

“I-I don’t know. She only told me to track you down.”

“Lies!”

Hanako smacked her tracker behind the head and grabbed her by the neck while pointing gun at her forehead.

“Now, if you don’t squeal in five seconds, I’ll blow you fucking brains out!”

“Ok, ok, I’ll talk! Madam Lilly wants to take you out with the rest of the E.L.F. but she might do everything just to kill you.”

The tracker’s words sent fear into Hanako’s heart. She let’s down her hostage and walked away in shock.

“Hi-hisao…”

She turns her gun towards the tracker and pulled the trigger. The tracker is shot in the head and sits lifelessly beside a wall sprayed with her blood. Hanako rushes to Hisao to ensure that he’s alive. As she enters her their home, the scene shocks her.

“Welcome home… Hanako.”

In front of her is, Lilly Satou with her sword drawn and nearby is Hisao, lying on the floor, showing no signs of life. Hanako bursts into tears to see Hisao in such a state and rushed towards him.

“Oh don’t worry; he’s still alive, but barely.”

“What did you do to him?!”

“I merely injected him with a serum that sent him into suspended animation for the next hour but he could have some fatal side effects.”

“You bitch!”

Hanako aimed her pistol at Lilly and pulls the trigger but was deflected by her Carbine sword. She jumps at Hanako in retaliation, aiming to cut her head off but was quickly blocked by Hanako’s Katana hidden in her thick clothes.

“I never knew that you were a swordswoman yourself Hanako but unfortunately that won’t save you.”

“I’m going to kill you for what you did to Hisao!”

Hanako gives an uppercut at Lilly’s stomach, stunning her for a moment and was given a kick to the face. Lilly was barely conscious after receiving a well struck blow and backs away from her enemy.

“You have become strong Hanako, I’m impressed. Too bad you weren’t able to save Hisao.”

Hanako merely stood in a defensive stance while hearing Lilly’s words.

“Now, cat got your tongue? You know Hanako, the world is really cruel to women, especially those who are scarred. Hisao merely feels sorry to you and said that he loves you even though it was all a lie. He would have chosen me instead but felt sorry to the scarred little girl reading all by her own.”

“Lilly, why… w-why are you doing this?”

“Oh my poor, little girl. You were given the chance to come back into the Sisterhood of the Goddess but you went on with your resistance with Kenji. You should have joined us Hanako, one way of another.”

“I would never join your cause of world domination. It’s unjust and it would threaten the very existence of the human race.”

“Poor girl, you’ve been brainwashed by the male propaganda. Now, it’s time for you to die.”

Lilly rushed towards Hanako, aiming towards her neck. Hanako couldn’t evade the coming strike because Lilly could stab Hisao with her blade. Hanako uses her Katana to block Lilly’s sword.

“Oh, that won’t work girl.”

Lilly quickly disarms Hanako and thrusts her carbine sword into her chest.

“Lilly, h-how could you?”

“I’m sorry Hanako, I must follow Queen Hakamichi, for the sake of my sister.”

“L-lilly…”

Lilly slowly pulled the sword from Hanako’s dying body and left her beside Hisao, who was unaware of what’s happening. Lilly leaves the two quietly in their home for the authorities to arrive.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two days later…
“… now if we send the Falcons to support the Navy invading the Philippines, we may get the rest of the invasion force to attack the rest of South East Asia and China without having to use our-“

The sound of creaking door stops a general explaining her plan to the queen and a tall figure comes in and kneels in front of the queen, slouched on her throne.

“The deed is done, my lady.”

“I’m amazed that you actually did it. I actually thought that you’re going to defect back into Hanako’s side but I see that your sister, or should I say brother have kept you allying with us.”

“What more do you have to take from me?”

“Oh, I didn’t take anything. You killed her by your own will. But because of your service, your brother is one step away from freedom. There’s only one thing you need to do, my mercenary.”

“What do you want?”

“I already have The Genius, The Swift, and The Loyal by my side. All I need is The Blade to complete my circle of elite generals. If you join me and served me well, I’ll reverse the doings that I did to your brother and set him free and you’ll be free as well. If you reject, I’m sure the Fiends will enjoy you for dinner.”

“I have no choice; I shall be a tactician of yours for the sake of Akira.”

“Now, the purging of the world begins.”

(To be continued)

[Wren]

Not wise to post your age. It can get you banned .

But aside from that, good story, it has caught my attention, looking forward to the rest.

[Leotrak]

Swords and Feminists and Conspiracies, oh my!

/end silly mode


Good read, honestly ^_^ Give us moar

[Esa94]

Not wise to post your age. It can get you banned .

I doubt that. For explanation, see my nick. I'm practically telling my age in every single post.

Also feminists \o/

[kosherbacon]

SH23 is half my age...

Oh snap. Now y'all know my approximate age as well.

[Member22]

Kenji eye’s begins to be bloodshot and his face turns red while the queen and her subordinates merely watched, enjoying the death of a man who was a thorn in Shizune’s side. The queen’s “second-in-command” takes notes of what’s happening to their victim, Kenji Setou, who was being experimented with the experimental S-virus. His blood soon begins to drip out of his nose, his eyes crying blood. His mouth also fills up with the crimson fluid, slowly drowning in the very thing that brought him life. Every orifice in his body soon bleeds and soon enough, he died a gruesome death, either by drowning in his own blood or merely died from massive blood lost....

In front of her is, Lilly Satou with her sword drawn and nearby is Hisao, lying on the floor, showing no signs of life...

Lilly slowly pulled the sword from Hanako’s dying body and left her beside Hisao, who was unaware of what’s happening. Lilly leaves the two quietly in their home for the authorities to arrive.

[Silentcook]

If there's some typos or anything, please point it out and tell me what you think. (I'm just 13 and a fledgling writer so please don't criticize me too hard.)

Your tenses are all over the place. Same goes for several other things, but this is the first thing you'd need to correct.
You can't switch tenses that many times in a paragraph - sometimes, even in a single sentence - without making things awkward at best, unreadable at worst.
I'll rework the beginning to show you what I mean.
---

Somewhere in Japan…

In a room only lit by moonlight coming from the skylight above, a lone figure sits comfortably in her chair, sipping from her cup of tea while enjoying the pristine view of the sea. Bits of moonlight passed through the window and onto the woman’s face.

Lightning from the clouds above lit up the room for a moment, revealing a fully furnished and decorated room. There was a long table in the center of the room. A huge map of the world was spread out on top, with several pieces of Chess, Risk, and Battleship marking several locations on the map. And there was a statue of a female goddess wielding a spear and shield that oversaw the whole room.

---
This improves things a bit, but I'm still not a fan of starting in simple present tense, adding present continuous, then switching to simple past; I'd simply pick either present or past and stick with it, until narration required a change.

Good luck.

[ShadowHunter23]

Not wise to post your age. It can get you banned

Is it bad for a teen to be in the forums? My parents allowed me to be posting in here and they're also fans of KS. They know lots of stuff about the VN, including that it's an "eroge" and they're fine with it because there is a choice to skip all of those scenes or watch it all.

Your tenses are all over the place. Same goes for several other things, but this is the first thing you'd need to correct.
You can't switch tenses that many times in a paragraph - sometimes, even in a single sentence - without making things awkward at best, unreadable at worst.

I'll take heed of your advice. Thank you.

Chapter 1 will be coming soon.

[Wren]

Not wise to post your age. It can get you banned

Is it bad for a teen to be in the forums? My parents allowed me to be posting in here and they're also fans of KS. They know lots of stuff about the VN, including that it's an "eroge" and they're fine with it because there is a choice to skip all of those scenes or watch it all.

Personally I have no problem with any teen's posting, just some boards look down on it if minors are on it because of some of the content on the forum. Not sure what is the stance on this forums is. It is essentially CYOA advice, so I will drop it here.

On another note, best way to get better in writing is to keep practicing and keep at it. Eventually over time and through many mistakes, frustrations, and computers tossed through windows(yes I have done that) you will get comfortable at it. I look forward to any more writings you do.

[kosherbacon]

I've got a confession to make. I'm a lousy proofreader. I'm sorry

That said, SC offers some good advice. I still struggle with keeping my verb tenses in line as well. So yeah, keep on practicing!

[Leotrak]

My parents allowed me to be posting in here and they're also fans of KS. They know lots of stuff about the VN, including that it's an "eroge" and they're fine with it because there is a choice to skip all of those scenes or watch it all.

Your parents are Made of Awesome

Anyway, if you want someone extra to proofread your stories, I'm willing to take up that task

[Esa94]

My parents [are also fans of KS].

Your parents are fucking incredible.

[ShadowHunter23]

Your parents are Made of Awesome

Your parents are fucking incredible.

Yeah at first it all sounds peachy but when you know them personally...

You can also blame them for my long inactivity but I can't because that's their jobs, to make me focus on studying 24/7

(Writing fan fics doesn't affect my grades negatively but it's affected positively. I don't know why... )

[Leotrak]

Glad to see you're still working on it ^_^ I'm looking forward to see how this will pan out

[ShadowHunter23]

It's been a while since I posted the prologue so I decided to post the first chapter of the fic now.

======================

Chapter 1
The Broken Path

Somewhere in Australia…

A golden figure marches in a colossal throne room and is joined by large, demented creatures that seem to be made of fused flesh and steel. The convoy stops and kneels in front of the throne of the glorified leader of the sisterhood.

“My lady… the vermin… are making their last stand… in the former city of London... The control of Europe… is now… in our reach.” The figure spoke in a “zombiefied” tone.

“Have they found the man I’ve long been searching for?”

“Yes… milady… The one… is somewhere… in the city…”

“Summon The Vindicator. I want her to take the task.”

“Yes my-“

*Crack*

Someone broke the neck of the messenger and then thrown away into a dark corner, it made a sickening sound as it collided on the wall but the queen merely smiled. A dark figure stood in front of the queen and near her are the two massive guards, who we’re shocked of what happened and dare not to move a muscle for they could be next.

“You summoned the Executioner my queen?” The figure spoke in a low, muffled voice.

“Yes… I need you take care of someone for me.”

“Whose soul shall I reap?”

“I want the head of Hisao Nakai.”

“A worthy combatant he is but I fear that he is no match against me. I shall leave at once.”

-----------------------
Several days later…

In the dead of night, a man is fighting two Feminist Legionnaires in close combat. With his blade, he strikes with deadly speed and precision, killing his enemies. He returns his blade in it’s holster and observes the bloody scenery before him. Men and women all lie dead in a huge, scarred patch of land. Vultures fly overhead, rejoicing for their crude feast of crimson corpses. The man was the only one, who survived the bloodbath that recently ended.

“Very good you’re quite formidable with such a weapon.”

Hisao swiftly drew his blade and turned to the person who talked to him. Behind him was a cloaked figure.

“Who are you stranger?”

“My name is of no importance right now but you’re in grave danger, Hisao.”

“Wait, how did you know my name? Do I know you?”

“I will tell you everything when we get back to the ship.”

“I’m not going; I still have to return to base.”

“The Feminists crushed that stronghold moments ago. I managed to pick this up along the way.” The mysterious person held up a bloody helmet with several icons engraved on it.

“The helmet of the commander, then you must be telling the truth. I must go back to regimental command and tell them about this.”

“No Hisao, I have come here to get you back to Sanctuary, under the orders of The Great Seer and I can’t take no as an answer.”

“Tell your ‘Seer’ that I don’t need your help.”

“Don’t be foolish Hisao, the master of the Feminist Legion have already sent her finest assassin to hunt you down. Without my help, you’ll surely die.”

“I can take care of myself.”

Hisao started to walk away from the mysterious man.

“Hisao, wait. Hanako, I know where’s Hanako.”

Hisao stopped.

“Hanako’s dead.”

“But we can bring her back.”

“How can you? No, that’s impossible. I saw her dead with my own eyes.”

“Hisao, Hanako is alive…”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Hanako Ikezawa is alive. She is in the Sanctuary under stasis sleep but she is truly alive.”

“How can I know that you’re not lying?”

“Let me take you there myself.”

“Who are you, stranger?”

“They call me Nikolai.”

“I’m Hisao Nakai.”

“We should head to the ship nearby.”

“Why are you leaving so soon?”

Hisao and Nikolai turn to see a cloaked figure with her blade drawn.

“Iwanako the Executioner, I knew the queen would send you to hunt down Hisao.”

“Long time no see Iwanako. May I say how hot you are but unfortunately my blade has other ideas.”

“It’s been a long time Hisao. Fufufu, you look really cute but it won’t save you.”

“Hisao, you must rest. I will deal with this bitch myself.”

“Show me what you got, Sentinel.” The Feminist said in mocking tone.

Nikolai charge towards Iwanako with inhuman speed and punches her in the stomach and then quickly disarms her. He then strikes her with deadly speed and accuracy, hitting almost every major organ in her body. As she begins to give in to his blows, she quickly grabs her dagger and stabs him in the chest and kicks him back. The 5 inch dagger was lodged inside his chest but he just pulls it off without any sign of pain and wields it as it’s his.

“You’re quite a feisty bitch but I’ll have to put you down.”

“Let’s see try asshole.”

Nikolai charge again at Iwanako with incredible speed but he moves around her and throws the dagger at her back. She quickly moves to evade flying dagger but realizes that she have fallen into a trap. From out of nowhere, he kicks her in the stomach, causing her to cough up blood.

“I have enough!”

Iwanako charges with the ferocity of a lion but Nikolai stands his ground. He then gives a punch but she blocks it tackles him down.

“I got you now!”

Iwanako holds Nikolai into a stranglehold and starts to apply pressure around his neck.

“You have made a fatal mistake, girl.”

Nikolai punches Iwanako at her temple.

*Shiiiing*

A blade pops out from Nikolai’s hand, piercing Iwanako’s skull.

“Never use submission techniques on Sentinels and now you pay the price.”

The Executioner has fallen under the hand of a Sentinel. He pushes her body away from him and walk towards Hisao who is watching quietly nearby.

“Hisao, we should go now. The Feminists are known to avenge their champions in any way possible.”

“Where’s your ship?”

Nikolai rolls up his right sleeve, revealing some sort of device. He presses several blinking buttons and a loud sound comes from behind. A portal has opened from the fabric of space.

“Enter the portal Hisao, it leads to the Sanctuary.”

“Where’s the ship?”

“Deception is needed, my friend. They must not know about our Warping technology.”

Hisao slowly advance towards the gleaming blue portal. He slowly touch it’s surface and it reacts like water. He gathers courage and walks into the portal, quickly followed by Nikolai. They arrive in a chamber where it was almost empty except for the two massive guards standing by the passageway in front them. The portal disappears into oblivion behind them, making a quick blue flash and a WOOOSH sound. The two walk towards the passageway but the bulky guards blocks their way.

“Who is this man, Sentinel?”

“Let him pass, he is the one The Great Seer looks for.”

“He is then allowed to pass but keep him on a short leash Sentinel; the Weavers will not be pleased if any piece of information got out into the world.”

“I know…”

The heavily armored guards raise their Halberds that are blocking the entryway and allowed them access it. The luminous tunnel radiates a bluish color from it’s walls. It was a very long tunnel and doubt soon comes into Hisao’s mind.

“Where are we going, Nikolai?”

“Patience is a virtue my friend but I will tell you that we are in the Sanctanium Guardianius, the Sanctum of the Guardians. There’s about five Sanctaniums around the world but I’m afraid I can’t tell you more.”

At last they made through the tunnel and were greeted by passing men with guns and wearing full body armor. The two went through the busy halls of men and women who crisscrossed to doors and other halls, some ran while others are in no hurry. They soon reached a part of a corridor where there’s no one in sight. As they continue into this corridor, the temperature began to drop.

“It’s quite chilly here. Where are we going Nikolai?”

“It’s ahead, just be patient Hisao and follow.”

They soon reach the end of the corridor. In front of them is a pair of giant metal doors that are covered with frost, Nikolai moves ahead to open the doors. It slowly opens as the ice falls and a white mist spread out through the floor, covering it.

“This is the Cryogenic Regeneration Facility.” Nikolai moves in front of one of the cryogenic pods. “And this Hisao, is Hanako’s pod.”

Hisao runs to take a look at his long lost love. He wipes the frost off the transparent glass and was shocked by what he saw.

“I’ll leave you for a moment Hisao.”

But Hisao didn’t utter a word as tears flow down from his eyes. Looking at the newly regenerated body of Hanako, he couldn’t stop but to feel sad that how much she had lost because of her scars. Her body now is completely free of any scarring whatsoever. Her angelic face could even have enlighten even the darkest of men but Hisao couldn’t even feel it’s presence.

“I’m sorry… Hanako… I failed to protect you. You deserved better… much better…”

“Hisao…”

“Who said that?”

“…don’t worry Hisao…”

“Hanako?”

But this time, there is no reply. Hisao drops into melancholy once more. Nikolai returns shortly after that.

“Hisao, I brought something.”

Hisao looks and sees Nikolai holding a book covered with frost.

“The Great Seer wishes that you should read this.”

“What is this?”

“Hanako’s book.”

“What do you mean by her book.”

“Her entire history and background is in this book. I suggest that you should know about the truth behind her scars.”

“Her scars?”

“Yes, the very scars that brought misery upon her… and her father…”

“Who is this Great Seer anyway?”

“Her father is…”

(To be continued)