Flutter - Level Thirty Nine: Rage Quit [13/10/24]

[Sharp-O]

Also, thanks for the words. Damn cliffhangers.

Thanks for the correction! We're doing Monomyth throwbacks with these cliffhangers!

There was no way this particular Chekov's gun wasn't going to be fired...

"Yeehaw, chucklefucks." - TheRussianBadger

[Sharp-O]

Hisao stands in the doorway; brandishing a letter he shouldn’t have, like it’s the secret item for a quest. It was never meant to be in his hands, not like this anyway. It was meant to be a failsafe. I’m kind of at a loss for words as I look between the folded paper and his face; a wicked sense of déjà vu.

It wasn’t all that long ago that Hisao came to my room with another letter wearing the exact same face as he is now. Did he steal it the other night? Is this why he’s been ignoring everyone? I can only step to the side and gesture for him to come in as my mind races, puzzling out the hows and whys when I should be focusing on the what.

What the hell is going on with him?

“Sorry I haven’t messaged back.” Hisao begins, taking a seat on my bed. A bed we shared not too long ago. “I didn’t sleep very well last night because of…”

“You don’t need to worry about that, Hisao.”

“And yet… Plus some other stuff has been playing on my mind.” He sighs, holding the letter in front of him. “I’ve had a lot to think about.”

“I guess… Though I don’t get why you wouldn’t just answer your phone.” I retort, taking up position on my pillow next to my study table. “It’s not that long a letter.”

Hisao shoots daggers at me and my joking smile falters. Not in a joking mood, I guess…

“Why didn’t you tell me about this?” He asks, holding the letter up and waving it gently in the air. That should be obvious…

“You’ve always been a worry-wart, Hisao. I didn’t want to give you more anxiety.” I rub the back of my head, wondering why in the hell this is even a problem. “And I didn’t tell you afterwards because… Well, I just didn’t.”

“Or maybe you realised what reading this would actually be like for me?” What?

“Because, as I was reading this, one thing struck me... It left a bad taste in my mouth. The same kind of bad taste that Iwanako’s letter left me with the first time I read it.”

“That's not fair, this was written to help.”

“Help me or help you? Because I kept thinking about what you said about ‘Nako’s letter and how it was designed to help her get closure more than anything.”

“This is completely different!”

“Is it?”

“Of course it is!” I mean; ‘Nako was kind of the inspiration for doing it but I worked really hard on that letter and at least mine isn’t nine pages long!

“Really? Because it reads like a roast at times.”

“Now you're just being dramatic… I was trying to add some levity!” I can’t believe I’ve been worried all damn day and he’s just been moping in his room over nothing!

“So you thought making fun of me in a Dearly… Departed… Dear John was a good idea?!”

“A little bit, yeah!” I throw my arms out in frustration. “I think it would have landed better with the right context!”

“You mean if you’d died?!”

“Yeah! It would probably read a little more poignantly then at least, and not now when you’re being a whiner about fainting!”

“That’s not what this is about!”

“Nooo, this is about me ‘lying’ to you. Which I didn’t; I just didn’t tell you something.”

“That’s a lie of omission!”

“Everyone knows that’s not a real lie.” I snort.

“What about lying about your flutter on your second day back? The one Jiro told me about.” The question hits me like an unblockable out of nowhere. Blindsided by another thing he shouldn’t know about, I can only stammer while my brain rushes to counter.

“Wh-what?”

“Jiro told me that you had a flutter the other day. Fuuka was with you? Ringing any bells?”

“How’d Jiro kno-” I stop myself when two thoughts occur at once. That I’m admitting I did have a flutter - something I didn't want Hisao to know about - and that Fuuka told her boyfriend despite me telling her not... To tell my boyfriend... Crapbaskets.

“And that face tells me I was never meant to know about that either. That's twice you've lied to me now.”

“I-It wasn’t a m-major thing, okay? The Doc gave me the all clear right afterwards!” The Doc wouldn’t have told him… I can’t believe Fuuka blabbed to her boyfriend!

“Were you ever going to tell me about the flutter? Or this?” He waves the letter again, giving me the puppy-dog eyes. The ones he knows I’m weak to.

“No… Probably not. The flutter was more like a whiteout, like when you stand up too fast! And the letter… Honestly, I sorta forgot the letter in all the excitement of being back.” Excitement… He must have saw the letters when he grabbed the condoms last night! And then he took it when he left this morning, the little sneak!

“Why?” Hisao’s question snaps my attention back to the conversation but this is an easy one to answer too.

“I didn’t die.” I shrug, my tired nonchalance clearly annoying to him. “Seemed silly to get you all worked up over nothing.”

“This isn’t nothing! You thought you were going to die!” He bristles. Okay, let’s try to de-escalate this a smidge… If I explain it logically, he should understand. Hopefully.

“I thought it was a possibility because it’s always a possibility. Just because I’m not scared of death doesn’t mean I’m not scared what my death will mean for the people I love. I told you this before.”

“So why did you lie to me?”

“Again, I didn’t really lie. The flutter was nothing and the letter was just a fallback plan in case the worst happened aaaand it didn’t! Total whiffs. Do you tell me about all the stuff that doesn’t happen to you?” I explain further but the look on his face tells me that still isn’t a good enough explanation, somehow. “So it’s not even really relevant now.”

“You literally talk about you being in a coma as a worst case scenario so I think it’s pretty damn relevant.”

“How? I’m alive, I’m awake, and I love you.” I press my right index finger onto a digit on my left with each point for emphasis. “Why does that letter mean more to you than those things?”

“Because things are different now!”

“How? I’m the same as I’ve always been.” I look at him incredulously but he only seems to get more manic.

“But you’re not the same any more! You’ve got arrhythmia now! I know what that’s like and you’ve been acting like that’s not a huge, life-changing deal!” His expression is a mix of concern and something else… Something I can’t quite put my finger on.

“Apart from the meds I take; not really… I feel great. Better than ever.” I chuckle a little, maybe trying to ease the tension again.

“Except you’re hands are always cold now!”

“Yeah! I have haemophilia and I’ve just had heart surgery, Hisao, I’m gonna have weird symptoms for a little while!”

“So why don’t you talk to the Doctor about it?”

“Because I don’t bother him with the small stuff. I can handle it.” I poke back at him as I fold my arms defensively but Hisao’s face twists only to quickly look away when he realises that I caught a quick flash of an incredulous sneer.

He’s been dogging me about my choices and my heart since I got out of the hospital but never this intensely. This is because of last night… He’s got wounded pride and he’s projecting all those insecurities onto me.

“Are you sure this about my condition, Hisao? You know what happened last night isn’t a big dea-” I speak as reassuringly as I can but I’m swiftly, and rudely, interrupted.

“We’re not talking about me.” He says with a definite tone of bitterness. Oh, so we’re definitely talking about you, then.

“Aren’t we? Because it sounds to me like you’re jealous.” I accuse and he flinches. I definitely hit a nerve there but I still can’t believe that’s what this is. That Hisao could be that petty…

“Is that what this is? Jealousy? Seriously?”

“No! I… No, I’m just scared for you!” The asinine reasoning I could stomach but the patronising?

“Have I ever given you a reason to think I don’t know exactly what I’m doing when it comes to my health? I’ve been doing this a hell of a lot longer than you have, new boy.” I fold my arms again, this time defiantly, almost daring him to tell me I’m wrong.

“Don’t turn this around on me, Rika! You said yourself that you don’t know what you’re doing with your life half the time!” What. The. Fuck.

“Oh, now you’re throwing that in my face?”

“No, no, I’m not-”

“No, you are! Maybe I don’t have my life planned-out but how dare you try to use that to justify this bullshit.” Anger swells deep in my chest. Or maybe it’s anxiety. Either way, I feel tears begin to well in the corners of my eyes.

“That’s not what I’m… Argh, how am I the bad guy here?!”

“Because you can’t accept that I’m not scared like you are! Well tough shit, Hisao - that’s not how I’m wired!”

“No, you’re too busy ‘living in the moment’, which seems to translate to ‘ignoring your problems and not taking things seriously’.”

“Woooooow.”

“No, that’s…”

“Don’t run it back; you meant what you said.”

“But not like how it sounds!”

“How’s it supposed to sound, Hisao? That you can’t trust me to make my own decisions because I deal with arrhythmia differently to you? I’ve been through too much shit to get where I am and I will not apologise to - or be lectured by - someone who’s been in the game less than a year!”

“Just because I haven’t been at this as long as you have doesn’t invalidate my concerns or my feelings; you taught me that! You wrote that!” He wields the letter as if it’s a great weapon to strike down my argument.

“Yeah, I did, so why are you questioning mine?!”

The air goes deathly silent except for our frustrated, laboured breathing and my noisy sniffling as I wipe my eyes. I can’t believe this. He’s blowing this way out of proportion; just like I knew he would!

“Look, that letter isn’t the problem here. You’ve been acting weird ever since I told you I had arrhythmia. Heck, ever since I woke up! I appreciate the concern, I really do, but it feels like you’re smothering me!”

“Then stop telling me not to worry about you when I know you’re clearly not okay! I just want to help you, okay!?” Hisao looks at me with pleading eyes but they’re not going to work this time.

“Well, stop ignoring me every time I tell you I’m fine. You used to trust me.”

“I still trust you.” He mutters whilst looking away.

“Do you? Because it really doesn’t feel like it.”

“I just don’t get how you can’t be terrified.” He shakes his head, looking confused.

“Because fear is the mind killer.”

“… Hm.” The faintest hint of a smile tugs at the corner of his lips, despite everything. Thought you’d appreciate the reference. I pay attention when you tell me things after all… At the very least, it put another pause on the hostilities and allows us both some room to breathe.

“I’m sorry I went through your stuff.” Hisao pipes up after a couple minutes of awkward silence that feel like hours. I can’t blame him for that; I know I’d take peek… I wouldn’t give him the silent treatment for a whole day over it though.

“It was addressed to you, I can’t exactly blame you for being curious.” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. When I look back up at him, I find him looking back expectantly. I give him a look of confusion in return.

“What?”

“…You’re not going to say it back?”

“Say what back?”

“You’re not going to apologise.” He states, fresh annoyance on his breath.

“I don’t have anything to apologise for.” I reply back with equal firmness.

“No. Of course you don’t.” Oh, sarcasm now.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.”

“It means something because you’ve got that judgemental face on. The one where I do something you disagree with.”

“Maybe because you did!” He raises his voice once again.

“We’re arguing in circles here… I’m not going to apologise for writing a letter that you stole out of my drawer or for how I treat my heart condition because you’re scared of yours.”

“How about just a ‘sorry’ for all the sleepless nights I had when you were in a coma or for the massive risk I took bringing Saki into my friend group?” Our friend group, I think you mean.

“Are you for real, Hisao? After all the shit I put up with in Meguro? Dealing with your ex and your friends and your trauma? Where’s my apology?”

“If we’re going back that far; how about when you lied about knowing about my condition before we even met?”

“I thought we sorted that out!”

Back-and-forth, the arguments become even more circular; perpetual footsies with one of us antagonising the other a little further each time.

“You got to live your life before your heart attack, Hisao! I had to watch life happen from the other side of a window. You can’t tell me I’m doing it wrong now just because you fainted during sex!”

“That’s not why I’m mad! But fuck you for bringing it up!”

“Fuck you for being a patronising prick!” I get up close to his face but Hisao backs off, holding his chest. All hostility evaporates in an instant as we both share a look and my hand plants itself over his. Our breathing becomes inexplicably synchronised as we take another moment to catch our breaths. This is so stupid.

Hisao closes his eyes and gives me a nod, indicating he’s okay. I take a step back as he sits again. I take another step back and sit on my table this time, so we’re on a more even level. I’m emotionally exhausted and my brain is so fried that I can’t think of anything to say that will resolve this - only make it worse.

I want to throw every stupid thing he’s said or done in his stupid face, just as much as I just want things to go back to how they used to be, but if he’s going to keep being the way he is right now…

“What this boils down to - ultimately - is trust. Right?” I offer and Hisao sighs loudly, putting his head into his hands before nodding.

“Okay… Okay. So you think I’ve broken your trust by keeping things from you and I think you’ve broken mine by not trusting my decisions. Right?”

“More-or-less, yeah.” Hisao grumbles.

“I’ll admit that maybe I should have told you about the flutter and the letter but do you admit that avoiding a situation just like this was probably worth not bringing it up?”

Hisao frowns in contemplation but nods, albeit begrudgingly. I can tell he doesn’t one hundred percent agree but maybe he’s just as emotionally exhausted as I am.

“Do you agree I know more than you when it comes to my condition; even if you happen to share it?” His eyes lock onto mine with an annoyed frown.

“C’mon, Hisao, you know I’m right about this.” I know more than you when it comes to the medical side of things. I have both knowledge and experience. To pretend otherwise is just… Stupid. He doesn’t say anything though so I press further.

“Do you trust me to know what’s best for my health and my heart?”

He looks away and my stomach knots. Don’t be stupid, Hisao.

“It’s not that simple, Rika… It’s still new for you…” He groans, rising from the bed. I push myself up using the table to meet his eye line again.

“We just went over this!” I groan loudly, getting right in Hisao’s face. “I’ve got this! I always have!”

“You don’t know that! Else you wouldn’t have written this letter in the first place!” He says, his eyes becoming sadder as they look away from mine and into the middle distance, like he’s trying to work out his next stupid argument.

“I wrote it because I want what’s best for you, whether I’m in your life or not! The fact that you can’t see that…” I flail my arms as I turn away, clenching my fingers into claws in sheer, desperate frustration.

Why is this so hard for him to understand? Why do I even need to explain it, over-and-over again, when it’s so damn obvious!? All I want is for him to just get it and for us to make-up but as I look at him over my shoulder, I wonder if that’s possible.

Hisao is the one that’s still new to this. It feels like for every step forward, he’ll take three steps back at the slightest hurdle. After my first syncope spell in Meguro, I ended up having to initiate almost all our physical intimacy and now… Between this ‘lying’ nonsense and his fainting; I have to wonder how long it’ll take to work our way back to the neutral…

“Do you still trust me?” I turn to face my boyfriend, who I’ve confessed my love to, and plead for him to look at me. He stands with his hands on his waist, looking sheepishly at the floor.

I push his shoulders, hoping that the jolt will knock him loose of whatever stupid thought he’s having. Stop standing there like you’re buffering and give me a god damn answer!

“Hisao! Do you trust me or not?!” My demand causes him to look up with sad eyes and it feels like a punch to the chest.

“I just don’t know, Rika… I know that I don’t want to fight you any more, that’s for sure. I think… I think we should take a breather.” He speaks wearily, as tired as I am, no doubt but I think that’s what hurts the most. That it feels like he’s just giving up.

“I d-don’t…” I start before another angry impulse takes me over. One I immediately regret. “Y’know what? Fine! Get out of here!”

“…Okay.” Hisao looks down as he moves past me, within centimetres of me. I turn, following him to my door. I should stop him, make him stay, do whatever it takes to keep him from walking out because if he leaves…

“W-Wait…” That’s all I can manage to squeak out as he crosses the threshold. I feel laggy, like everything I want to do is a few seconds too late so I keep double-guessing what to do. Before I know it; Hisao disappears down the hall.

I sink to my knees at my doorway as words fail to form in my mouth. My head throbs with pain. My heart hurts. I twist my body and sit with my back against my doorframe. I prepared myself for a lot of things over the years but this…

I’ve thought about death more than anyone my age really should. Learned so much about the human heart that I could probably be a doctor. But as I turn my head to look down the hall again, hoping that Hisao will be there - and isn’t - something occurs to me.

The one thing that I never thought possible - never even considered - is that Hisao could break my heart.

---

Previous Level <---> Next Level

[Peorth]

catch our breathes

Only thing I noticed, but I am reading this on my phone.

[hdkv]

In the last bonus level comments I said:

Keeping secrets from your partner is the best way to ruin a relationship.

And now we have a prime example of how it goes.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter, but honestly, damn you, Master of Cliffhangers! xD

[Alex FRD]

Goddamn, here I thought Hanako's bad ending was explosive, this was a nuclear blast!

[Razoredge]

In today's episode of Hisao being an absolute dumbass, without any social skill and whose only knowledge is books: Hisao thinks he's a know-it-all and decides to patronize a girl that has more experience of being disabled than him, and then, he wonders why things turn wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying what Rika did was right, but God, reading this chapter made me want to shake him like a palm tree and say "Shut the fuck up, dumbass, she has her reasons, and you reacting the way you do is OBVIOUSLY one of those reasons."

I wonder how Hisao will try to make up for this situation 8D