Love is a Choice - An Emi/Rin post-Yamaku story - 17/09/2024: New Chapter

[Retornodelogay]

Welp, I don't know how this will go but here it is.

First of all, I think an introduction is customary, since I'm relatively new to the forums even though I'm a long time fan of the VN. I read KS way back in 2013-14 when I was but a teenager and didn't even know what a VN was. Even though I was a seemingly healthy teen (we'll get back to that) the themes and especially Rin's characterization immediately struck a chord with me (we'll get back to that too). Flash forward a couple years, after an autism and an Ehlers-Danlos syndrome diagnoses and right after moving in with my girlfriend I decided to download the novel on my Steam Deck to read it again with having-seen-some-shit eyes, expecting little more than shock value and an uncomfortable representation of disability and sexuality.

Of course, I was incredibly wrong, and happily so! Not only did I understand why I liked Rin so much, but I thoroughly enjoyed the tasteful portrayal of disability and everything it entails, even after having lived through a lot of the things the novel talks about. Also, media is still after all these years so incredibly afraid of, well, disabled people getting some. Using a cane doesn't mean I'm a sexless angel that needs to have relationships explained to them like a child, so in that sense a 10+ year old novel is still painfully refreshing.

Upon finishing the routes I wanted to I, as the raging lesbian I am, dutifully browsed fanfic sites in search of Emi/Rin fanfic... only to find that it's apparently incredibly niche and that nothing more than a couple oneshots and short stories had been published. Now, I'm not a fiction writer, not by any stretch; these muscles are stiff, so I'm going to apologize in advance for any stumbles I may have in writing this fanfic. But I want to do it nonetheless, and if anyone else finds any of it enjoyable well, that's a very nice bonus!

Just some finishing words: I'm a Spaniard and as such, not a native English speaker, so if anything sounds a bit weird or off feel free to point it out! I'm also not going to focus so much on "worldbuilding" or creating a believable and well researched space because I want to focus squarely on characters. Also, the chapters are really short because they're easier for me to write and I have a short attention span. Finally, I'm publishing this first on AO3, but the version on these forums will be the edited and revised one and will probably lag behind, but will hopefully be better as a result. In any case, any feedback is welcome!

INDEX
CHAPTER 1 (this post)
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8

TL;DR: disabled lesbian tries to write a fanfic about Emi and Rin, please be kind

And with that,

CHAPTER 1

Light started appearing through the curtains, marking the beginning of another long day, at least for one of them. Emi never needed an alarm to wake up, and proudly so. Mornings are always the best part of the entire day, because that’s when she’s able to get the entire track for herself, even in a faculty with the bulk of students majoring in sports sciences. Trying not to make too much noise (as if that would make a difference) she puts on her tracksuit and her running legs, and off she goes.

As expected, the track is empty, which gives her free reign to run… and be alone with her own thoughts. Something’s been happening as of late: she’s been looking forward to running as much as finishing her morning laps. Not that a thought like that has made her go any slower; if anything, the distraction and the dangling prize at the end makes her go even faster.

The sticky clothes and slow arrival of other students signal the time to return to her dorm. Still trying to be as sneaky as possible she manages to reach her roommate’s bed, kneeling so as to be face to face.

“Hey,” she says in a soft but slightly loud tone. Of course, no response. Why does she even try not to be heard in the morning?

“Hey?” Only a snore in response. Well, that’s better, somehow. “RIN.”

“Hey,” she responds, as if she’d been awake the whole time. “Why are you shouting? I’m already awake”

“You were snoring”

“People snore when they’re awake,” a statement that, as usual with Rin, isn’t strictly false. “Did you go running already?”

“Why would I be waking you up if I didn’t?”

“Maybe there’s a fire. That would explain the blinding light.”

“But that’s the Sun.”

“Another valid explanation.”

Emi had become used to these sorts of conversations ages ago. Trying to follow Rin’s train of thought had become a game of logic cat and mouse, and a fun one at that.

“Wanna get ready to go to class?” asks Emi in her typically enthusiastic tone.

Answering seems too much of a hassle for Rin, who just straightens herself up. No words are needed, as Emi already knows exactly what to do.

The rest of the morning goes as expected. One semester later and Emi is still trying to figure out how could anyone manage to make something as fun as exercise so incredibly boring. At least it’s lunch time, which means it’s time to meet with Rin again. Sometimes Emi misses the feeling of having a ‘spot’ in the form of a roof, someplace to just be alone with her food… and Rin, of course. Some people may think that being with Rin would be basically the same thing as being by oneself, but nothing further from the truth. Emi and Rin may be on different wavelengths of thought, but one cannot conceive the beauty of the rainbow fully realized with a single color.

They meet in a small park near campus, which while not as isolated as Yamaku’s roof still gives them some privacy and space away from their fellow students.

“Did you have a good morning, Rin?” Emi always starts lunch with these words, a surefire way to get Rin’s synapses firing to produce thoughts that rarely have to do with the question asked.

“I did not know the human body had so many parts.”

Rin obviously isn’t studying any degree in particular, let alone anything related to art. While her arts grant is paying for her student fees and residence on campus, she’s chosen to take a variety of courses, ranging from physics to architecture or medicine. In this case, Emi guesses, she’s talking about the latter.

“Yeah, right? So many organs and muscles, it’s kind of irritating,” Emi responds, trying to follow where she’s going. At least this is a subject they have in common.

“I mean, does a leg cell know it belongs to a leg? Does it know about eyes?”

“About eyes?”

“They would get along,” she retorts, matter-of-factly.

Silence follows, but not the awkward kind. Rin is eating without uttering a word, very focused on her food, while Emi just observes.

“Do you miss Yamaku?”

Rin’s straightforward question catches Emi off-guard.

“Well… sometimes. I miss having a nurse on premises, not having to take a bus to go to the doctor, and-”

“Not that”, Rin interjects, “I mean Yamaku, not Yamaku’s things. I miss Yamaku”

“What do you miss about it?”

“Yamaku.”

“Its people?”

“That too.”

Emi stops to wonder what Yamaku really means, if anything. But in some capacity, Rin’s right. Commodities were nice, but not what keeps her thinking about the academy. The people? It’s true that they get way more looks and uncomfortable questions now that they’re in university, but it’s not like she wasn’t used to that before. Maybe it’s just the nostalgia of times past.

“I’m glad I managed to keep you close, though,” Emi concludes.

“Me too.”

Rin’s words of affection are hard to come by, and while she shows it in other ways, Emi holds a special place in her memory for them.

Time has flown by, as it usually happens when they’re together, and they each have to get back to class. Emi’s not in the mood for paying attention, especially after the conversation she just had with Rin. She keeps going at it in her head: what does she miss about Yamaku? There’s one thing that her mind keeps coming back to, but it doesn’t seem to make much sense. Why would she miss Rin? She’s right there, they’re even sharing a room now. It’s not like she’s changed that much, she’s the same head-in-the-clouds but incredibly insightful kind of person. Still, she isn’t able to avoid coming back to that thought, again and again.

Afternoon classes end without much fanfare and Emi goes straight to the library. Finals aren’t anywhere close, but her notes are starting to pile up… even though she spends most days at the library. Why was she doing this again? Whose idea was it to join sport and science in a single phrase? Who’s the audience exactly? Hours go past her like the wind on a good sprint until she’s too tired to keep going, well into the night. She keeps getting surprised at how much more tiring it is to study than to run.

Rin is in their room when she arrives, studying. Or something like that. Three books, fifty browser tabs, what seems like a History podcast and Rin trying to go at it all at once. When she finally realizes Emi is staring at her with a wide smile on her face she opens her mouth.

“I was waiting for you, I want to go to sleep.”

“Hello to you too, Rin.”

“Hello.”

Of course Emi gets right into action. She unbuttons Rin’s shirt, gets her jeans off and helps her put her pajamas on. They brush their teeth together, as they usually do, and get to their respective beds, not a single word exchanged. No need, really. Emi takes her legs off, probably the second best time of the day after her morning run, and gets under her sheets.

“Good night, Emi,” says Rin, following her night ritual.

“Night, Rin.”

Rin falls asleep fast. Really fast. Emi usually follows suit, but not tonight. She’s staring right at the ceiling, eyes wide open. It finally dawned on her and there’s no way she’s thinking about anything else in the next eight hours.

[guthrum06]

I love it so far!

I'm always happy to see more yuri content in my favorite fandom. You're right, Emi x Rin stuff is surprisingly limited.

Writing Rin is pretty tough (at least for me), but I think you nailed here. Looking forward to the rest!

[Retornodelogay]

I love it so far!

I'm always happy to see more yuri content in my favorite fandom. You're right, Emi x Rin stuff is surprisingly limited.

Writing Rin is pretty tough (at least for me), but I think you nailed here. Looking forward to the rest!

Thank you!! Writing Rin is actually super fun because I basically turn off my masking and go nuts. The next chapter is actually from Rin's perspective which is something I don't see all that often, and I try to keep the changing Emi/Rin perspective throughout.

[Retornodelogay]

Welp, here it goes, the second, once again short chapter. Written from Rin's perspective since it's something I usually don't get to see, and I thought it would be fun to do it!

<<Chapter 1
CHAPTER 2
Rin wakes up unceremoniously, after a long night of incredibly light sleep. Opening her eyes is out of the question though, at least until Emi is back. She enjoys the soundscape that arises from Emi waking up, the changing of clothes, the fitting of the legs, she can almost hear her facial expression, so there’s no need for visuals. Once she leaves for her morning run, Rin likes to imagine the path Emi takes, the steps necessary to start running, what she sees, what the wind in her face must feel like at that speed; and above all else, what it’s like to run being Emi. Not physically, of course, just… what her brain processes when she’s doing all of those things.

Before she’s had time to even start cracking Emi’s brain, she’s back. She likes to act sneaky, probably to test her coordination, since Rin is usually awake when she finishes her run. As usual, Emi approaches her bed and…

“Hey.”

Rin likes the sound of that voice, soft but sure. She can even feel the air of her roommate reaching her skin.

“Hey, morning Rin.”

“Can you tiptoe with your legs?” Rin responds, with her eyes still half open.

“You know what? That’s actually a great question.”

“Why would it not be? You are sneaky, so you probably tiptoe if you’re able.”

“Since these blades are made for running,” Emi continues, ignoring Rin’s remarks, “and you run using the front of your feet, when using these I’m technically tiptoeing all the time.”

“Stealth legs,” Rin finishes, matter of factly.

“Yes, stealth legs,” Emi’s smile almost reaches her ears.

Emi helps Rin prepare for class, following their morning routine. Rin usually gets absorbed in Emi’s fine motor skills. Their university doesn’t have a uniform but Rin insists on using a button up shirt anyway just to watch Emi’s abilities in action. Her hand movements are almost hypnotic, with a rhythm and cadence that resembles a calm sea. It’s definitely Rin’s favorite part of her routine.

“Same time, same place for lunch?” Emi asks.

“Can we go to the sea today?”

“What, for lunch?”

“Yes.”

“We need to hurry, it’s a bus ride to and from and we have classes in the evening.”

“I don’t.”

“Rin, I’m seeing your calendar, it’s in front of you.”

“If you don’t go to class you don’t have it.”

“Hmm… Okay, I’ll go with you but I’ll have lunch and come straight back. I do have classes.”

“That’s okay.”

Rin’s morning passes by uneventfully. With the amount of courses she’s taking at the same time it’s quite rare to keep the same classmates hour to hour. While it’s a side effect of Rin’s approach to university she appreciates it nonetheless, as she’s in it for people-watching as much as she is for knowledge pursuit. Before coming here she wondered if the people would be as interesting as they were back in Yamaku, and whether she would be able to keep playing what-is-wrong-with-you in a place so full of able-bodied people. Her conclusions as of now were that able-bodiedness isn’t as common as she expected and that, even without taking that into consideration, there’s plenty wrong with people for her to keep playing for the foreseeable future.

Besides, the important thing now is that she’s going to have lunch by the sea with Emi, and that’s probably what has occupied more time in her head since they each went to their classes this morning. No matter how many people she observes, meets or gets to know, Emi is always the one she keeps coming back to. Her base. Rin thought a lot about this, especially once the decision to go to university came up. Every university she applied to had assured her that she would have proper support during her stay, but Emi’s presence massively tipped the scale. It’s not like she needs that much anyway, she’s way more independent than people usually assume, but the loss of her base would be far greater than any potential gains in comfort. It’s not about her hands, but her Emi-ness.

“Earth to Rin, repeat, Earth to Rin, do you copy?” Emi is signaling in front of her.

“I would still share a room with you if you couldn’t use your hands.”

“Well that’s good to know, although it would be kind of awkward. Want to catch the bus? You know we have to hurry.”

The bus leaves them right in front of the sea, where they easily find a bench to eat comfortably. Lunch is delicious, as usual, and the smell of the sea seems to further enhance the flavors. It’s perfect. Rin’s mesmerized by the ocean, its back and forth, the softness with which the waves seem to touch the coast, only to retreat immediately, as if they got scared. And yet, it all pales in comparison, as if a tasteless imitation of the real thing.

“Can you button my shirt up?”

“Huh? Rin, your shirt is all buttoned up.”

“Can you do it anyway?”

“What, like unbuttoning just to do it again? We’re in public, I can’t do that!” Emi seems perplexed at the idea, as if she’s asking for something impossible.

“You can do it with the one at the bottom of the shirt, you don’t have to do the whole row.”

“W… Why do you want me to do it? Did I not get it right this morning or something? Is this related to what you said before taking the bus?”
Rin starts to think that there may really be a problem with her hands. Did she mention it into existence?

“Can you do it? Are your hands okay?”

“It’s not that, it’s just that I don’t see the point of doing it.”

Rin really can’t tell if she’s getting mad for some unknown reason or if she really doesn’t know.

“I like to see your hands doing it. That’s why we’re here, remember?”

Emi is frozen in place. Also, her face has taken on a red tint. Rin really starts to think that she may need medical assistance. But before she starts shouting for someone to call an ambulance, she catches Emi delicately undoing her last button.

“I really don’t know what you mean by us being here because of your shirt. Like, even less so than usual”, Emi stops to sigh, “but I’m really glad we are”.

Rin doesn’t answer. She registers what Emi just said, but she’s way too focused on her hands, her back and forth, her smell and the occasional light contact of her fingers with her belly.

“You’re my base,” Rin says, almost without meaning to.

Emi immediately stops playing with the button and looks straight into Rin’s eyes, but her focus quickly switches back to the fingers.

“Shit, the time. Rin, I have to get back to campus, I’m sorry.”

“I’m coming with you.”

“I thought you were going to skip this evening’s lectures.”

“Seeing the imitation isn’t the same when you’ve just had the original.”

“If that’s your reasoning for attending classes, you know what? I’ll take it.”

[guthrum06]

It's another good chapter.
I'm enjoying the slow burn.

[Retornodelogay]

<<Chapter 2
CHAPTER 3

How could she miss Rin? She’s right there, all the time. She’s the person she sees the most, the one constant in her life. And what the hell did she mean by her being Rin’s base? Unfortunately asking her may create as many questions as it does answers, if it even does the latter. Maybe she’ll do it anyway, if only to clear her thoughts a little.

“Ibarazaki, are you ok?”

Emi hears whispering far away, but it makes her come back to reality anyway.

“Eh? Yes, I was just… really focused on something,” she whispers back.

“Your face was spelling the suffering kind of focus, are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah, no need to worry.”

The person whispering to her is Fujisawa Sayo, basically the only other person in her class with whom she had bonded to some extent. They started talking after she noticed them watching during one of her morning runs, since their side shaved hair and bright smile had made them impossible to miss.

“Okay, but you know you can tell me anything, right?”

Their big black eyes are really hard to say no to.

“After class, okay?”

The class happens in the background while Emi tries really hard for her thoughts not to show on her face. The lecture ends early and the rest of the students don’t lose any time to go for lunch, so Fujisawa and her are effectively alone.

“Okay, so what’s going through your head?” Their face shows how keen they’re on helping.

“It’s not that easy to sum up and I’m not the greatest when it comes to expressing my feelings, so be patient”, Emi states, trying to buy as much time as possible so as to avoid precisely the latter.

“Lay it on me!”

Fujisawa was maybe a bit overwhelming in their enthusiasm and boundary stepping, but they have a big heart and a voice that makes it seem like everything’s going to be ok. After pondering for a second, Emi decides to, indeed, lay it on them.

“Okay, so you know Rin?”

“Your roommate?”

Somehow that way of referring to Rin doesn’t seem right to her, but she continues nonetheless.

“Yes, exactly. Well, we see each other every single day, obviously. But this one time we were talking about whether or not we miss Yamaku, our former school, and I could not for the life of me come up with why I did. And it turns out I get it now, but it’s… weird, because the thing I miss is her.”

“Maybe because you don’t see her as often?”

“I thought about that, but we see each other as often as before. We still have lunch together every single day.”

“Oh, then maybe it’s routine? You go back a long while, maybe you’re settled on a routine and don’t experience the thrills you had when you were getting to know each other!”

“Well… I do love our routines but there may be some truth to that. I’ll try to dig a bit deeper I guess. Thanks, Fujisawa.”

“Anytime!” They say, winking adorably. “Wanna come to the cafeteria with me? You have at least five minutes until meeting Rin if I’m not mistaken.”

“Sure thing.”

Fujisawa takes the cane resting on their desk and makes an effort to stand up. Emi’s first instinct is to help, but she knows very well how that feels when you don’t ask for it, so she stops in her tracks.

With her mind made up, Emi meets Rin at the usual spot. The latter is lost in her thoughts, looking at nothing in particular. Amazingly she doesn’t get surprised when Emi speaks up.

“Rin, we’re eating out today!”

“Why?”

“Do we need a reason? I just want to do something with you!”

“Having lunch at the park is something,” she says, clearly not thrilled at the idea. “Also, you’ve already made lunch and the birds at the park can’t eat chicken, that would be cannibalism.”

“We can just save it for tomorrow. I’ve seen great reviews for a curry place nearby, why are you so resistant?”

“I like what we usually do. But if you want to try that place we can go.”

Rin’s tone and expression don’t really align with what she’s saying, but Emi insists on going. Even if it doesn’t really feel like either of them want to.

The restaurant is packed. Not really a surprise given the reviews, the time and how close it is to the campus, but still bothersome. It’s noisy, full of unfamiliar faces and even the air feels slightly heavy. The clerk manages to seat them and they each order their food, but Rin is clearly not having a good time. And in turn, neither is Emi.

“Too noisy. Too many people. The food isn’t good.”

“The food hasn’t arrived yet, Rin…”

“I know already.”

A couple of awkward minutes pass by. Rin is rocking back and forth slightly and really focused on playing with her slippers.

“Look, I’m sorry. I just wanted to do something different with you,” Emi says, finally admitting defeat.

“We can do different things. We do them all the time. Why did we have to come here?” Rin pauses, and slowly raises her head. “Do you not like to have lunch like we usually do?”

“What? Rin I love having lunch with you, it’s my favorite time of the day!”

“Then what is it?”

The waiter arrives with their food, causing an incredibly tense pause.

“I just don’t want our relationship to become routine, to take it for granted.”

“I don’t.”

Rin stands up and leaves, and Emi knows better than to go after her. With her stomach completely shut, Emi requests a container for their food, pays and leaves while maintaining her composure. It’s only upon reaching her bedroom that she starts crying.

---

It’s the middle of the night and Rin is still nowhere to be seen. Emi knows that she likes to have time for herself, especially when she feels overwhelmed, but she can’t help feeling uneasy about her being alone so late. Just as Emi is reaching for her clothes to head out, Rin appears at the bedroom door. Her face is serene, but her swollen eyes betray her attempts to hide that she has been crying.

“I don’t take you for granted,” Rin says, without even giving Emi the opportunity to say hello.

“I’m sorry Rin… that was bad phrasing on my part.”

“But it wasn’t. There’s no good phrase to say that.”

Rin finally steps into the room and lies on her bed. Emi is unable to do anything but to stare at her, so an awkward couple of silent minutes pass by until Emi decides to speak.

“Rin, remember the other day when you asked about what I miss about Yamaku?”

”Yes.”

“Well I’ve been thinking… and I do miss Yamaku, but the thing I miss most about it is you?”

Rin opens her eyes wide while she sits up.

“But I’m right here.”

“Yeah, I don’t get it either. Fujisawa thought it would be a good idea to change our routines, but that was clearly the wrong call.”

At this, Rin looks down while changing into her unmistakable thinking face.

“But our routines change up every day.”

“I know you like routine more than I do, but… we really do the same things every single day. We did go to the sea yesterday, and I was worried the whole time about your mental state.”

“That’s not true. We never talk about the same things. Sometimes you start from the bottom of my shirt, other times you start from the top. You have a hundred different expressions on your face for every situation. We’re always changing. We’re never the same people two days in a row.”

“I… I really never thought of it that way," this really was one of those rare times in which Emi feels that she’s operating in the same reality as her partner.

“And I like meeting you everyday,” Rin finishes, laying down again.

Emi’s face instantly reddens. She slowly stands up and goes to Rin’s bed.

“Is it okay to hug you right now?”

“Yes.”

Emi lies with Rin and hugs her while she notices her friend’s legs surrounding her waist, reciprocating Emi’s gesture. They stay like that, in silence, for what seems like an eternity and a couple of moments at the same time.

“I’m sorry about today, Rin. And about missing you,” Emi whispers.

Rin doesn’t respond verbally, but she does try to get closer to Emi while tightening her grip around her, and that’s answer enough for her.

“Can we sleep like this today?” Rin asks, seemingly realizing how late it is.

“Thought we weren’t big on changing our routines,” answers Emi, with a slight smirk on her face.

“We can make an exception.”

“I still have to take my legs off, though. Is that okay?”

A couple seconds go by with no answer, and Rin’s grip is tight as it ever was.

“Yes,” she half-whispers back, releasing her hostage.

[Retornodelogay]

It's another good chapter.
I'm enjoying the slow burn.

Thank you! I've been reading your Learning to Run for the last couple of days and I'm honestly amazed at the breakneck speed you achieve. I really struggle with not stopping at every minute detail!

[guthrum06]

It's another good chapter.
I'm enjoying the slow burn.

Thank you! I've been reading your Learning to Run for the last couple of days and I'm honestly amazed at the breakneck speed you achieve. I really struggle with not stopping at every minute detail!

I'm glad you're enjoying it. If you reach the end of that and have it in you to read even more, I'd be pretty interested on your take on Yamaku: The Next Generation, which is a sequel. I don't want to spoil anything, but I think you'll understand why once you get there.

[hdkv]

I think you got in a wrong thread, gunthrum

[Retornodelogay]

Extra chonky update today, since I've decided to have AO3 and the forum on par. Hope you enjoy it!

<<Chapter 3
CHAPTER 4

One, two… there’s the third. Rin’s become accustomed to the crows at the park and tries her best to be polite towards them. At some point she thought of giving them names, but if that concept doesn’t convince her already there’s probably not much point in forcing it onto a different species, no matter how much they have in common.

“Tezuka, aren’t you coming?,” a student Rin doesn’t really recognize asks her.

“Day off,” she answers as the unnamed student shrugs his shoulders and leaves.

Too much to think about to go to class today. Probably tomorrow too. Today should be off completely. Just staring at the sky, watching the crows and observing the coming and going of people. And yet, Emi keeps appearing in her thoughts, as if an uninvited guest arriving just when you were about to have dinner. But last night was probably the best sleep she’s ever had.

The crows seem to be playing with some sticks while arguing about it. If only she could speak crow. Would learning Japanese crow language allow her to communicate with overseas crows? Emi probably knows. And if she doesn’t know she’ll smile and guess.

Rin tries to focus on the leaves. She could try to translate their dance, their back and forth in oil and canvas. It really wasn’t that different from the sea. And that dance…

Class 3-1, Sports Philosophy. That should be the one. It hasn’t started yet, and from what she can see several seats are vacant.

“Rin? What are you doing here? Don’t you have classes today?” Emi’s eyes are wide open while her face has taken on a slight red tint.

“Day off today.”

“Well… I’m glad you want to learn about Sports Philosophy in your free time, but I don’t even know if you’re allowed to be here…” she tries to warn while Rin takes a seat.

A black haired girl is seated right beside Emi, looking at Rin with a wide smile and bright eyes.

“Nice meeting you, Tezuka. I’ve heard a lot about you. I’m Fujisawa Sayo. I go by neutral pronouns these days, by the way.”

“I see,” Rin closes her eyes as if internalizing that information. “People use she for me. So, what’s the cane for?”

“RIN!” Emi shouts at her. “That wasn’t appropriate in Yamaku, less so here. I thought we talked about this.”

“But they know about my arms and your legs. It's only fair.”

“That’s not how it–,” a hand on Emi’s shoulder followed by a smile stops her talking.

“I appreciate and am aware of how straightforward you usually are,” the smile never leaves their face as they continue, “but I’m not in the mood to talk about it. Maybe some other time.”

“That’s ok.” Rin is convinced, but Emi remains tense. “I’m here to be with Emi. I’m not able to focus on anything else.”

Fujisawa’s laugh is so loud that Rin’s able to feel the vibration on her seat, but it’s cut short by a middle-aged woman entering the classroom. She looks briefly at Rin, but she doesn’t seem to want to look in her direction any further.

Sports Philosophy could probably be a field of interest to Rin, judging from the brief snippets of information she’s able to gather. But most of her attention is focused on Emi. She seems so intent on taking notes, on listening to the professor, and even asking some questions. Rin likes it when that happens, as if watching a play after spending too much time backstage. Her voice remains soft and sure of herself, but in a different way. Emi even manages to throw some quick glances and smiles to Rin in between all the other stuff, which seems like a feat of planning to her.

“We need to move to a different class, are you coming too?” Emi asks Rin.

“I’ll wait for lunch.” After receiving an appropriate dose of her partner she feels content, and capable of returning to her day off.

“It was nice meeting you, Tezuka. As unorthodox as I was led to believe. Hope we can hang out sometime!” Fujisawa is saying goodbye with their hand too.

“This evening?” Rin offers.

“Huh, eh… sure! Didn’t have plans or anything. You up, Ibarazaki?”

“Yeah, sounds great but… Rin, are you ok? Seems weird to tell you of all people, but you’re behaving… erratically.”

“Yeah,” she answers, already standing up from her seat.

One, two… she can’t find the other one. Probably had some business to attend. Not everyone has the privilege of spending the whole day at the park. Part of Rin wants to follow Emi to her next class, but that wouldn’t accomplish much. Besides, was she angry? They did talk about how inappropriate it was to ask people about their disabilities, but it still feels so unfair. Everyone knows what’s wrong with her at a glance, she’s just asking for reciprocity. And it’s not such an uncomfortable subject as Emi makes it out to be. Rin and her talk about their arms and legs a lot, and they don’t feel bad about it.

Or does she? Rin doesn’t know what it’s like to have arms, but Emi does know what it’s like to have legs. She’s told her about her traffic accident and talks about her prostheses often, but always in a practical way. The accident isn’t much more than something that kind of happened. Now that she thinks about it, as emotional and expressive as Emi tends to be, feelings never seem to be allowed when discussing anything surrounding her legs. That would explain why she’s uncomfortable when Rin asks other people about it. She will try to bring all of this up with her.

“Alright Rin, please explain what is going on with you today. Is it because of what happened yesterday?” Emi is walking towards her, bentos in hand signaling lunchtime.

“No. Yes. I had a great sleep.”

“Run me through your train of thought, how does that end up with you coming to class with me? Not that I’m against it, I was just surprised.”

“Aren’t you angry?” Rin finds herself more worried about this than she realized.

“No, but you owe Fujisawa an apology. They don’t mind, and I’ve told them about you, but it still wasn’t nice to ask so directly.”

They go to their usual spot to have lunch, which is soon interrupted by Rin.

“We should sleep together more often.”

“I, ummm… thought that was a one time thing,” Emi answers, looking away from Rin. “That’s more of a couples thing, don’t you think?”

“What’s the difference between a couple and two good friends?” Rin asks, out of genuine curiosity.
“That’s a way more difficult question than you imagine. The short answer is that friends and couples have different expectations when it comes to commitment and often physical contact,” she bites a piece of tofu, followed by a resounding sigh, “the long answer is probably too complicated for me to give.”

A long silence follows, with the pair focusing intently on their food, but it’s once again broken by Rin.

“Are we a couple or two good friends?”

Emi chokes a bit on her rice, turning red from coughing. Rin’s aware of the Heimlich maneuver, but isn’t sure if she would be capable of pulling it off with just her legs. As she’s readying herself it luckily seems to pass and Emi returns to normal. Before Rin even has time to check on her, Emi speaks.

“We’re friends, Rin. It’s true we’re always together, and we get along great… but we’re friends.”

“Does that mean we won’t be friends in the future?”

“What? Why would you say that?” Emi seems upset at her proposition.

“Commitment. You said that’s the difference.”

“I said it’s way more complicated than that. Besides, I don’t know what the future holds. We may share a room today and then not see each other in ten years.”

Another silence. This one, unlike most, feels uncomfortable to Rin.

“I wouldn’t like that,” she states, with what feels like a weight in her esophagus that she can’t attribute to her lunch.

“Me neither, Rin,” Emi answers with a calm voice, “but things are too uncertain to make promises. I wouldn’t want to hurt you with those.”

“So we’re not a couple because you don’t want to make promises.”

“Hell no! I didn’t say that! It’s more complicated than that!” Rin notices she’s said something she shouldn’t have and is only able to open her mouth in surprise. “Sorry Rin, I didn’t mean to lash out. I-”

“I don’t get it, but it’s okay. We’re together now.”

“Yeah, guess we are…”

The pair is about to wrap up lunch and return to class after what seems to be the most exhausting food they’ve ever had, when Rin’s head and eyes light up again.

“But we can sleep together without the commitment,” Rin’s caught off-guard by Emi’s laugh, but continues, “if you want.”

“You oughta hear yourself with my ears sometimes, I swear,” Emi responds, holding back her laughter. “Okay, we can do it occasionally. I did have a great sleep last night, but it was a pain to put my legs on this morning without waking you up. And I guess some good friends do sleep together from time to time.”

“It’s settled,” Rin finishes, as the pact is established.

“Oh, right, don’t forget,” Emi says, already leaving, “we’re doing… something with Fujisawa this evening. Honestly I don’t know what you have in mind but I know better than to ask.”

“Okay.”

[Retornodelogay]

<<Chapter 4
CHAPTER 5

“I would love to swear she’s not usually like that but… well, she is. I wouldn’t have her any other way but I know it can be uncomfortable to-”

“Relax. I know,” Fujisawa is calm as ever and trying to instill the same feeling on Emi. “It’s not like when a random person asks, it just took me off-guard. I mean, she has a point, people only need a glance at your legs or her arms to get all the info they need. Well, that and a quick conversation when it comes to Tezuka’s autism.”

“Autism?” Emi’s idea of autism was way different. It’s true that Rin’s kind of an oddball but she can speak and interact normally. Okay, somewhat normally.

“Oh, she isn’t diagnosed? Sorry, not my place to say something like that.”

“No, it’s okay, just… never thought about it like that,” she pauses a bit to reflect on the implications. “Hey if she makes you uncomfortable this evening just say it. She might seem aloof but I swear she’s great, and she doesn’t mean any harm.”

“Ibarazaki, you don’t need to be her advocate. She comes out strong, but she’s not your responsibility. I want to hang out with her, it’s not an obligation. We’re not on that level of friendship yet.”

“Okay, right, yeah.”

“It’s actually kind of surprising how much we’ve hung out ourselves and that you haven’t inquired about this thing yet,” they say, holding their cane.

“I know it’s uncomfortable, figured you’d bring it up if you wanted to talk about it.”

“Wouldn’t it be uncomfortable too if I picked a random moment now to say ‘oh, by the by, I’m kinda dying’?”

“Are you!?”

“Everyone is,” a mischievous smile draws on their face.

“Oh, come on, don’t give me that.”

The clock is already at ten past, making it apparent that for one reason or another the class might not happen, and the students are already leaving. They could go find Rin, but there’s no telling where she might be and their class seems as good a spot as any to wait for her until the bell rings.

“You really are uncomfortable with it, huh?” Fujisawa asks.

“What do you mean?”

“Disability. You don’t want to acknowledge or talk about it.”

“What? I don’t hide it or anything, it’s actually the opposite. Anyone can see I use prostheses. In fact I bring it up as soon as possible with new people just in case.”

“The best defense is a good offense, or so they say.”

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“And yet you haven’t asked about the cane even though I gave you an obvious opening.”

Emi frowns while trying to connect those two things, but doesn’t manage to reach a satisfying conclusion.

“Okay, fine. So, what’s wrong with you? See, I’m as comfortable as one can be.”

“That’s a rude way of asking.”

“Fujisawa, I swear to-”

“It’s neuromyelitis optica, relapsing. No, ironically it hasn’t affected my eyes, yet. I have a big old spinal cord lesion. No, I’m not dying, not anytime soon at least. Yes, there is treatment, and it’s mostly effective at preventing further damage, but not curative. There, it wasn’t that hard, was it?”

“Crap, I’m sorry,” Emi is taken aback by the barrage of information, but one thing stands out. “You really have practiced this speech, haven’t you?”

“Takes one to know one. It’s not the most comfortable thing to talk about on my end either, but at least I admit it. And while it’s not great for other reasons, having someone else ask shares the burden of uncomfortability somewhat. See? Now it’s awkward for the both of us.”

A loud voice is heard from the hall, surprising both Emi and Fujisawa, who assumed they were alone.

“Are you on azathioprine or mycophenolate?”

“Rin, what are you doing here? And what the hell did you say?” Emi is shouting at the door while walking towards it.

“I got bored at the park. Radiology is fun. I like the pictures.”

Fujisawa’s laugh echoes through the classroom, releasing the tension on Emi’s shoulders built out of fear of Rin having said something inappropriate again. Thank God.

“Eculizumab, actually. I’m on the fancy stuff.”

“I see,” Rin is already inside the classroom, with her usual processing-information face.

“Well, as you can probably tell we are apparently free,” Emi says, “so did you have anything in mind for this evening?”

“Specialty coffee.”

“I didn’t know you liked coffee. Is it that good?”

“The milkshakes are good.”

“Alright then, I do love me some overpriced bean juice,” Fujisawa says, standing up. “Shall we go then?”

Rin leads the group through a surely overcomplicated series of streets, staying silent and observant throughout the short trip. Fujisawa and Emi’s conversation naturally derails to academics, with Emi becoming aware of Rin’s exclusion only upon reaching the small establishment, with not a single soul inside other than the barista.

“I see your reasoning now, Rin-”

“Banana milkshake, please,” Rin says as she enters, cutting off Emi.

“Oh, umm, I guess I’ll have the… specialty coffee?” Fujisawa’s usual confidence is nowhere to be found.

“A macchiato for me, thank you!”

“That sounds better, one of those then,” the barista nods back to signal she’s got it all down, although she doesn’t manage to hide a cheeky smile.

The three sit down at one of the only two tables, but before Emi or Fujisawa have an opportunity to break the ice Rin surprises them by speaking.

“Fujisawa.”

“That’s what they usually call me,” the joking tone doesn’t align with how tense their body is.

“I’m… I’m sorry I asked you about the cane I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable and Emi and I had talked about this but I didn’t realize until now that it’s different for people who have a before and after and I guess that if everyone had wings including me and one day I lost them it would make me feel bad even if the person asking wasn’t able to fly from the beginning-”

“Tezuka, Tezuka, it’s okay, really,” Fujisawa’s body loosens at the first mention of wings, and a somewhat concerned expression starts to appear on their face. “It just took me by surprise, I don’t mind talking about it, nor that you were listening, just in case.”

“You’re not angry?”

“No, I swear. You’re fine. Just… don’t go doing that to everyone, okay? It might make some people uncomfortable.”

Just then the barista arrives with their beverages. Rin locks in on her milkshake, as if the previous conversation just never happened, and with her teeth locked on the straw she shoots a glance at Emi. “Thee?”

“Hey don’t get all high and mighty, they told you not to do it, just like me.”

“Okay, okay, enough about me. I want to know more about you two. I know you went to the same school and all that, but how did you become so close?”

“They put us in rooms next to each other because I have no arms and she has no legs,” Rin doesn’t even look up from her milkshake to say that.

“That’s… kind of fucked up.”

“Well, that’s just a joke we made up, they never told us that,” Emi tries to course correct Rin’s statement, even though she’s not so convinced herself that it isn’t the truth. “But we really did hit it off. The school never made me help Rin or anything, it kind of happened naturally. She’s always been a really interesting person.”

“The school uniform had a button-up shirt that I struggled with,” Rin adds.

“Oh, but you’re wearing a button-up shirt now. Is it a different kind?”

“No, I like seeing Emi’s hands button it up.”

Emi’s flustered at this comment, and Fujisawa is looking at her with a mischievous smile.

“You know? From the way she talked about you the first few weeks I would’ve sworn you were a couple.”

“Fujisawa-”

“We’re not, we talked about it. We do things couples do because we’re very close friends,” Rin interrupts Emi, probably without even noticing her tone.

“Wait, what things?”

“Sleep together.”

“Rin, we’ve only slept together once.”

“But I thought we were going to do it again.”

“Well… yeah, sure. But friends sleep together all the time! Slumber parties are all about that!”

“Not in the same bed, unless we’re talking about a different kind of slumber party,” Fujisawa is clearly enjoying the conversation and their face shows it.

“Watch it, Fujisawa,” if looks could kill, her classmate would be long gone. “Besides, we haven’t kissed or anything, and even straight girls do that sometimes. We’ve shared a lot and are very close and that’s that.”

“Okay, okay, sorry, I was just messing with you. I for one am glad that you don’t just take offense at the idea of not being straight, and of course your relationship is yours. Sorry if I overstepped,” they take the first sip of coffee. “Oh damn, it really is good.”

“I mean, people already treat us like crap more often than not,” Emi reaches her legs, and rubs them slightly. “It would be kind of weird on our part to be homophobic, or transphobic for that matter,” Emi shoots a slightly apologetic look at Fujisawa, “wouldn’t you say so, Rin?”

“Straight girls kiss sometimes?” She’s clearly surprised at the idea and has been ruminating on it since it came up.

“It’s kind of a stereotype, but I actually don’t know if it really happens,” Emi answers.

“I don’t think it does, at least not here. Not that I have that much experience with that either. Sorry, Tezuka,” the mischievous smile appears again.

“It’s okay, I’m happy with just sleeping together.”

“Wait, so you would be okay with kissing!?” Emi notices, once again, a sudden increase in temperature on her face.

“Yes. Your lips seem soft and your breath always smells good.”

“Oh man, Ibarazaki really did undersell how fun you were,” Fujisawa adds, a sparkle in their eyes. “Come on, Ibarazaki, wouldn’t you?”

“Your apologies about overstepping are starting to ring a bit hollow, Fujisawa. But… I mean, I guess? Just to try, it doesn’t have to mean anything, of course. We’ve never kissed other girls, so I guess that would be a new experience?”

“I have,” Rin interrupts Emi, her eyes still focused on the milkshake.

“Oh,” she stops for a second. ”And you never told me about it!?”

“I don’t know.”

“Rin, we have a lot to talk about when we get to our room.”

“And some other things, too,” adds Fujisawa with a smirk.

“You’re lucky to have a spinal cord injury because I would have beaten your ass otherwise.”

“Is that not a rude thing to say?” Rin asks with a concerned expression on her face.

“Well… it can be. It depends on the context. Since we’ve joked about similar things before, an unspoken rule is established, by which we can bring these sorts of things up when we’re poking fun at each other. In any case, if I didn’t like it I would either not laugh or say it outright, so as to prevent a similar thing in the future. Just so we’re clear, it’s okay to joke about it in this context,” Fujisawa’s tone has rapidly shifted towards one that is more caring and soft, and their smile has taken on a warmer note. Emi is amazed at their ability to decipher the social intricacies for Rin.

“I see,” Rin seems to reciprocate.

“Also, Ibarazaki seems to really underestimate how hard I can hit with this thing, which will one day be her downfall,” Fujisawa adds, holding their cane and shifting the tone again.

The banter between Emi and Fujisawa continues for a while, with Rin mostly watching from the sidelines, until the three realize the Sun starting to go down.

“Well, I guess we should be going,” Fujisawa is the first one to bring the time up. They seem way more tired to Emi than when they left the campus.

“Yeah, guess we do. Want us to go back to the bedrooms together?” Emi offers.

“Oh, right, I don’t really live there, I’m renting a flat a few bus stops away. We’re going in opposite directions, then.”

“Want us to go with you anyway?” Emi is trying her best to hide her concern.

“Oh, man, do I really look that bad?” Fujisawa lets a loud but somewhat awkward laugh out. “It’s fine, Ibarazaki, I’m just a bit tired. But thank you for the offer, really. I’ll text you once I get home, is that okay?”

“Yeah, sure!”

“Tezuka, it’s been a pleasure. I’m looking forward to hanging out with you again.”

“Okay,” she responds in a seemingly unenthusiastic tone. “We will.”

“In Rin’s language that means she’s really enjoyed the time with you, by the way,” Emi clarifies.

“No need to tell me, I know. See you two!” Fujisawa says as they leave.

Emi and Rin pay and leave right after, with at least one of them looking forward to the promised conversation once they get home.

[guthrum06]

Love the new chapters too. Fujisawa seems like a great OC, and Rin clearly being in love with Emi but not understanding it is pretty adorable.

Also love what you're doing with Emi, who still hasn't fully opened up to anyone, so she's surprisingly awkward about asking Fujisawa about her disability.

Hopefully she realizes she can with Rin and lots of adorable times can be had.

[Retornodelogay]

Thank you! I'm really enjoying writing a clearly alexythimic character very much in love. Rin's super fun to write and I hope I'm making her justice.

Emi is an interesting case, because there's a lot of contrast between her and Rin. Both characters have interest and traits that go against what would be expected of their disabilities, but while Rin's come from just not caring, Emi's come from pure unadulterated denial. In all honesty I relate to both, and I really want to talk about both approaches in a way that doesn't just go over what the original work did.

Thank you so much for the nice comments, I really do appreciate them

[Retornodelogay]

Hey, long time no see. Sorry, both life and finals happened. On the bright side, I'm really happy with this chapter and have worked on it for quite a while, even though it's not that long. As usual, if you happen to find any weird English feel free to tell me. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it.

<<Chapter 5
CHAPTER 6

“What are we going to talk about?”

“Not now Rin, let’s wait until we get to our room,” Emi answers.

Silence follows, but not the kind Rin likes. It’s one filled with unknowns and questions, and she hates those. She did apologize, and she meant it, but maybe she said something inappropriate again without realizing.

“Was my apology bad?”

“What? No, it’s not that at all, it’s…” Emi looks around as if trying to find the source of a loud sound, but the streets are completely silent. “Who was it?”

“No one. The streets are empty. Nocturnal animals haven’t come out yet, it’s too soon for that too.”

“No, I mean, who did you kiss? We’ve been friends for so long and I wasn’t even aware you were in a relationship.”

“I wasn’t. We kissed three times. Her lips were dry and her hands were very cold. I liked when she put them on my back. You’re hot in comparison,” Rin says, reminiscing of her touch. Having all limbs intact really helps with regulating body heat.

“But who was it!”

“Saki. She had spinocerebellar ataxia.”

“I… Name rings a bell, but I can’t quite put a face on her. What happened?”

“We kissed,” Rin repeats. Emi really has a terrible short-term memory.

Emi clicks her tongue in acknowledgement. “Okay, I get it. And… did you like it?”

“Yes,” Rin is involuntarily back in her second year at Yamaku. She can smell the light perfume on Saki’s neck and the roughness of her lips sliding across hers. She really did like it.

“You gotta start telling me about these things, Rin, I would’ve given you my blessings and all that. I didn’t know you swung that way, but you know I’m ok with it.”

“Okay, I will,” Rin answers. She will make sure to tell Emi about future kissing events, even though none seem in sight. Then again, neither did Saki’s, so she will try to keep it in mind just in case.

The pair arrive at their room, the trip back seeming much shorter than when they came. Rin knows that they say good conversation makes time go by faster, but Emi also followed a different route. Probably. Emi starts working on Rin’s shirt automatically, as usual when she knows she isn't going out again.

“We’re in our room,” remarks Rin, trying to get the promised conversation going.

“Yep, observant as ever,” responds Emi, without looking up from the shirt.

“We were going to talk. Not like we’re doing now. About something.”

“Thought we did that on our way here,” Emi is done with Rin’s shirt and moves away to get her pajamas.

“Okay.”

The conversation stops again, creating the same kind of silence. Habituation hasn’t set in with two tries, but Rin doesn’t have anything else to ask, so she’s powerless to fight it. She puts on her pajamas with Emi’s help and lies in bed, focusing on the ceiling. To her surprise, Emi sits down on her bed too.

“I’m not upset,” Emi starts.

“You say that when you’re upset.”

Emi frowns and looks away from Rin’s face. “I’m not upset, but do tell me these things. With guys as well, if that happens. We’re friends, hell, friends doesn’t even feel like an accurate word, and I know you struggle with communication and all that, but love is an important thing, and I would rather have you share it with me. Also, I want to know if anyone hurts you, to kick their ass.”

“I will,” Rin is still not sure whether Emi’s upset or not, “but it hasn’t happened, I think. Love. Not sure how it feels either, so I wouldn’t know if it happened. Haven’t found a good description yet. I can tell you about kissing and sex.”

“Good enough for me, I guess,” Emi settles, and starts taking her legs off. While not as mesmerizing an exercise as buttoning up her shirt is, Rin’s still hypnotized by the meticulousness and precision of movements practiced thousands of times over. She would hardly define Emi as a delicate person, but she was able to add delicacy when it was needed, as she did during the removal of the socks and liners to get her residual limbs bare. Rin also wonders if Emi had noticed whose bed she was on, but her lying down and hugging her answers the question.

“Are we going to kiss?” Rin asks, knowing she should probably tell Emi about it.

“No, we’re sleeping together. Well, if you want. Today was kind of exhausting and I need my beauty sleep, and we don’t have classes tomorrow, so might as well wake up a bit later for my morning run.”

“Will you tell me about kissing and sex and love, too?”

“Yes, it goes both ways. Haven’t had the first two since Yamaku and I’m not even sure the third one’s ever happened, but you’ll be the first to know, I promise. I’m too focused on my studies right now anyway… which sounds kind of depressing now that I’ve said it out loud,” she says while positioning her right leg on Rin’s stomach and tightening the grip around her torso. “You’re very huggable, did you know that?”

“I didn’t. I’m not good at giving them,” Rin answers, not really bothered about it. Such extensive physical contact was uncomfortable with most people, anyway. Not with Emi.

“Doesn’t really matter when you’re this good at receiving them.” She pauses for a bit. “By the way, you never told me how you came to kiss. Saki, I mean. Or why it happened just three times.”

“She was in the art club. She had a fight with Nomiya. Then Nomiya said something about my work ethic, even though my work usually doesn’t hurt anyone. She talked to me after the club meeting was over to say sorry, but she hadn’t done anything bad to me.”

“And?”

“I asked about her cane. She told me about her spinocerebellar ataxia, and she gave a lot of detail. She then started crying and I didn’t know what to do, so I tried to hug her, but I’m not good at giving hugs.”

“I can see how that would be a bit complicated, yeah.”

“Then she kissed me. But she stopped and said sorry, even though she hadn’t done anything wrong, again. So I told her.”

“How the hell did you not tell me about this?” Emi’s eyes are wide open. “Nevermind, doesn’t matter. Go on.”

“Then she kissed me the second time. And she didn’t stop for a while. She put her hands below my shirt, like a hug, but harder. They were cold, and softer than her lips. Those were rough. I liked the texture.”

“Holy shit, where was this happening?”

“Art room. We were alone. She then tried to unbutton my shirt but had trouble with the third button. She couldn’t do the fourth one and she started crying again. Then she left, saying sorry one more time. She apologized a lot.”

“That… makes two. And also happens to explain one of the times your shirt was partially undone once I got to your room, which I always thought was just you messing around. What about the third one?”

“At the next art club meeting. It finished and she stayed behind. She said sorry again, and I said she hadn’t done anything wrong. She then asked if it would be okay for us to just be acquaintances, and to not tell anyone about what happened. I answered that it would be okay, but that I liked what we did. Then she kissed me a third time, for longer than the first but shorter than the second. And now I’m telling you about it, so I lied to her.”

“So you… didn’t tell me because she asked you to?”

“Probably.”

Emi’s hug tightens, and Rin appreciates it. She liked the brief time she spent with Saki, but for some reason talking about it didn’t just bring back the joy, but also a knot in her throat. And wetness, but on her face. Oh.

“Shit, Rin, I’m sorry. She… I’m sure she’s great and was going through a lot, but what she did wasn’t okay.”

Rin is confused. And crying. “But I liked it. I like what we did.”

“I know Rin, I know. But when you… get close to someone in that way there’s a certain responsibility. It’s totally cool if you want to keep it emotionless and all that, but you both have to be on the same page. And clearly you weren’t. She… kind of used you, Rin. That’s why it makes you sad. These things should go both ways, no matter how much you enjoy it.”

“Okay,” her tears are slowing down. Even though what Emi’s saying is hard to understand, it nonetheless helps.

“And I don’t know what… spinowhatever is, but the cane won’t save this one from an ass kicking. If I ever meet her it’s on sight.”

“She would fall. Her balance is bad. I would talk to her.”

“Okay, but if she doesn’t listen, ass kicking,” her grip tightens once again. “Thank you for telling me, Rin. And sorry about it, too. Next time it happens it will be better.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do.”

Rin knows better than to question her friend’s knowledge. Besides, she’s not often wrong.

“I’m tired. I want to sleep.”

“Yeah, it’s been a long day. And crying’s a hell of an energy waste. Night, Rin, wake me up if you need something, okay?”

“Okay.”

[Retornodelogay]

Welp, thank the Summer, the reduced work hours and no uni, because here's a new chapter. It's way longer and more introspective than what I'm used too, but I'm still quite happy with how it turned out. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it!

<<Chapter 6
CHAPTER 7

It’s one of those days. Did she overexert herself on her morning run? Was she in a hurry to change prosthetics and didn’t fit one of them properly? It doesn’t really matter. It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, and she damns the fridge for being empty today of all days.

Whatever, that’s not the worst thing. The limping is, although calling the way she’s walking limping really doesn’t convey the whole picture. She’s walking weird, which is way, way worse. If she was limping, and given her complexion, people would think that she sprained her ankle or something. There really is something wrong with her left leg. At least the shopping cart provides enough support to somewhat mitigate it.

Protein, protein… She could cook some hot spring eggs, with pan fried tofu, and she needs rice too. At least Rin’s been eating well for the last couple of weeks, surprisingly enough. She was worried for a few days after the conversation they had about Saki, but it seems Rin really needed to get it off her chest. And she’s been painting way more often too, which always makes Emi happy. They’ve been sleeping in the same bed on and off since then, as it seems to improve their mood as well, so why the hell not.

Where is the tofu Rin likes, though? She crouches carefully to scout the lower shelves of the refrigerated section.

“Ma’am?” a store clerk is in front of her, with a bright smile she can infer even through his face mask.

“Huh? Me? Did I do something?”

“No, no need to worry, ma’am. May I be of any assistance?”

“Uh… Not really, I was looking for a particular brand of tofu, but I think I found it, thanks.”

“Excellent, if you need anything else do not hesitate to ask.”

“Yeah, thanks,” she answers as the clerk goes back to stocking the shelves. Did he notice her walking and came to help? Crouching is always difficult, bad day or not, so it was probably just that. He must have thought she had some back pain and wanted to be nice. Better not to overthink it.

Days like this she’s always reminded of rehabilitation. She wasn’t just focused on walking, she wanted to walk exactly like before, and most of all she wanted to run, all from day one. People don’t realize how freaking hard it is to walk with legs you don’t feel nor fully control. It goes from an instinct, an automatic movement, to a constant dialogue with a set of mechanical contraptions, and boy does it take a while to learn the language. When her prosthetist taught her about running blades she was a bit taken aback by the obviously artificial nature of their shape, but she soon took it as a point of pride, at least on the field. Everywhere else, not so much.

Rice crackers. Rin didn’t tell her to buy but she loves them, her happy munching face is priceless. And… the woman right beside her is staring. The whole body scan trying to look for hints about what’s wrong with her that she hates. Ever since the accident she’s thought that people either overestimate how stealthy they are or they just don’t care. Emi stares back at her but the woman doesn’t back down, so definitely a case of the latter. At least she’s bought enough to last her for a few days, so she decides to just head for the check-out.

The line is quite long and today is one of those rare days in which she seriously considers heading to the fast track for the elderly and disabled, just to be home faster. On the other hand, the last thing she needs right now is more eyes on her. That woman may have noticed but she’s sure most people are oblivious, and even if she didn’t care about the attention it wouldn’t be the first time someone tries to reprimand her for using services for disabled people, just by virtue of being young and ‘healthy’ looking. She always has her disability ID on her, but it’s not like those kinds of people even know what that is. Long line, then.

Why does she even care? Let people stare, and speculate, and whatever else. It’s not like she’s going to ever interact with them again. And yet she can’t help thinking about it, even after all these years. She’s glad that she’s able to hide her legs most of the time, to have control of how people perceive her, how they perceive her disability. Even on the running field she’s in control, showing off how her legs allow her to be the fastest. Rin or Fujisawa don’t have that luxury. Rin straight up doesn’t care at all about how people perceive her, or at least it seems like it. Then again, she hasn’t known anything different, and her social skills are… questionable enough so that she may not even be aware how differently people treat her because of her arms.

A loud buzz brings her back to reality. It’s her turn.

Finally on her way home. She can’t wait to just lie down in bed and think about nothing… and maybe do some maintenance on her legs, just in case. At least Rin’s at the workshop, she thinks, since for some reason Emi’s still somewhat self conscious about her seeing much more than the usual cleaning routine. She just doesn’t want to give Rin the impression that there’s anything wrong, because she might worry or misinterpret something, and that’s something she’d rather not deal with. Emi gets to the dorms, stores the refrigerated stuff in the communal fridge and heads to her room.

“You’re here. I thought you would be here, but before,” Rin’s staring at her as if she’s seeing a ghost.

“I went to get groceries, we were almost out. I bought you rice crackers too!” she throws the bag on her bed, so she doesn’t forget they exist. “Thought you were going to be at the workshop?” she continues, while storing the rest of the food.

“I finished. You’re walking weird. Thanks for the crackers.”

“So it is that noticeable, huh?” she tries to downplay the way those words affect her.

“Yes. Are you hurt?”

“No, don’t worry about it, I probably just put my legs on in a hurry. I’m gonna take a look at them just in case.”

Once she’s done with the food she sits down on her bed and gets her left leg off. Rin is staring intently at her, something that she should be used to by now, and yet in this particular situation it’s making her kind of uncomfortable. With the cover out of the way she tries to find anything wrong with the mechanical parts, but at a glance she can’t really find it. Maybe she did hurt herself? The liner and sock come off to see if there are any bruises or cuts but… nothing, really. She’s been quite diligent when it comes to pacing and taking care of herself. What is going on? A frustrated sigh leaves her lungs.

“I get angry sometimes,” Rin starts, seemingly unprompted. “People look too much and I don’t like that. They help without asking or don’t help when you ask them.”

“I… get what you’re saying. Especially today,” Emi answers, while putting the sock and liner on again to check if it really was just a bad fit.

“You can be angry.”

“No need to. These things happen,” she says while pushing on the socket with her leg.

“One time a woman tried helping me cross the street. I told her no but she insisted. She tried to put her hand on my back, but I don’t like it when people touch me. Most people. I like it when you touch me, it’s different. Like eating shrimp and eating cockroach.”

“Yeah, some people don’t think too deep when interacting with us. At least I don’t get that often. Today, though…” she’s made sure everything’s as tight as it can be on her left leg, so she stands up to test it.

“You never talk about it.”

“I guess I don’t. It just makes me feel bad, so why would I bring it up? I hate the look they give you when they’re trying to figure out what’s wrong with you. Or if anyone catches that I’m using prosthetics, the stares, the horribly long stares. And hell, the incredibly awkward conversations. When I know I’m going to interact with someone for longer than 10 minutes I spit everything up like it’s a checklist to satiate their curiosity, just to avoid the way they try to bring it up while ‘seeming respectful’. Fuck that. And even though I always talk about my track accomplishments there’s alway pity. The goddamned pity. I get that when I was still in the hospital, or back when I was a child, but I’m a grown woman and this shit’s for life. But they can’t help it. At best they think I’m ‘inspirational’ or some similarly worded bullshit, and at worst they just infantilize the fuck out of me, as if I’m not the fastest thing they’ll meet in their lives, legs or not. And that’s with my legs on. On the rare occasion I need to use the wheelchair it’s even worse. They just can’t not furrow their fucking eyebrows, as if I’m a helpless maimed animal. And beware of saying anything because their intentions are just that pure, meaning that for some reason I basically have to thank them for being willing to talk to me. Fuck!” when she says that she realizes both the volume of her speech and how tense her entire body is, to the point of almost hurting. And her damned left leg still feels off. “Shit, sorry, Rin. I’ve had a long day and I shouldn’t make it your problem.”

“But you aren’t angry with me.”

“No, of course not. I just don’t want you of all people to see me like this. I’m fine, just lost it a bit there. I would probably be way better if this leg behaved like it should.”

Rin stands up from her bed and moves beside Emi. Without any words she hugs her, or at least the closest thing to a hug she can do.

“You’re wrong, you know? You’re great at hugging. I feel better already,” before she even has time to think about it, she kisses Rin’s forehead softly.

Rin stays in the same position for a while, not that Emi minds. It really does help.

“Walk,” Rin says, releasing Emi from her hug.

“Huh? Okay, sure,” Emi knows Rin’s requests may seem out of left field, but they usually have a purpose. Usually. She paces around the room, small as it is, for a couple seconds. It really is especially annoying now that her full attention is on her leg.

“The suspension on the ankle. It doesn’t flex like the other when touching the floor. There’s more resistance.”

“Oh… you’re right. Are you… also in some sort of orthotics class? I thought those would happen a few years down the line,” once she sees what’s happening it’s crystal clear, and such a small thing was throwing her whole gait off. That was a good catch.

“No. I see you walk everyday.”

“I, umm…” for some reason that comment makes her feel self-conscious, but in a good way. It stands to reason that someone devoted to art would be so observant. “This is somewhat good news, actually. My prosthetist should be able to fix this on the spot, I just… have to get ahold of her, which will take a little while,” she sighs, knowing today is just the first day of a very uncomfortable week. “Anyways, thanks, Rin. Would’ve taken me quite a while to figure it out on my own.”

“Talking makes the thoughts form a line to get out. It’s hard but it helps. And you need someone to talk, or the line won’t be as straight. The words need to know they’re going somewhere.”

“I meant the leg, but sure. I’m going to send a message to my prosthetist and then I’m gonna lie down for the rest of the evening. You’re welcome to join, and even eat some rice crackers while you’re at it.”

“Okay.”

Emi lies on her bed and sends a quick message explaining the situation, knowing full well that she won’t see a response until tomorrow at the earliest. Rin soon joins, bringing a bag of crackers with her. She dexterously opens the small packet and starts munching, which brings a smile to Emi’s face.

“I liked the kiss,” for a second, Emi thinks Rin is talking about Saki again. “Your lips really are soft. Like a small, wet cushion.”

“Oh, I didn’t even think about it. You just seemed to be in the perfect position, and it’s not often I get to be within kissing distance of your forehead.”

“We can do it on the lips”, at this point, Emi isn’t even surprised at this request. Ever since that evening with Fujisawa it seems to be something that’s never left Rin’s mind. She has to admit that ever since becoming aware that Rin’s… gay? Bisexual? Do those even apply to someone like her? She’s a bit more reluctant to the idea. But curiosity has also grown at a similar rate.

“You know what? To hell with it. Sure. It’s been a day,” with those words, she sits upright and approaches Rin, who now looks like a deer about to be run over by a truck. “Wait, if you want to, Rin. Just because you said it we don’t have to do it.”

“I want to,” she says as she closes her eyes and gets closer to Emi.

Emi follows suit, placing her hands on the bed and closing her eyes. Their mouths touch, and as if enchanted by a spell they begin moving very slowly in unison. Emi’s able to feel every little indentation, every minute detail of her partner’s lips on hers. She can also taste the faint sweetness of powdered sugar. A tingly sensation starts on the back of her neck, which she feels is a sign to stop. She moves away from Rin, whose eyes are still closed, and smiles even though she can’t see her. Emi moves closer again, but this time her lips land on Rin’s forehead, which prompts her to open her eyes.

“That was… a new experience, at least for one of us.”

“I’ve never kissed you. Have you kissed me? It was a new experience for me.”

Emi ignores her roommate’s confusion. “It was nice. Nicer than I was expecting, although you should get some lip balm, your lips are so chapped. Gosh, if Fujisawa gets wind of this they’re gonna have a field day.”

“Is this a secret?”

“Not really, we’ll tell them sooner or later. It was just out of curiosity, but I must admit that we really are straining the definition of friendship here.”

“I’m going out,” Rin says, standing up and reaching for her shoulder bag.

“Oh, okay, thought you were done with the workshop”, Emi’s pretty sure this experience lit up her creative spirit and she just needs to let it out before it extinguishes, but she’d rather make sure. “Just in case, is it something I’ve done? Were you comfortable?”

“Yes. Very. I’m going out.”

“Alright, I’m glad. Be careful, okay? I’m not going anywhere. Don’t be too late.”

With a nod, Rin leaves the room in a hurry.