INTRODUCTION
Hi everyone! I’m a fairly recent convert to Katawa Shoujo, only finding it earlier this year. After I finished the game I was so desperate for more stories that I also consumed pretty much all the fanfiction there is. While there are lots of great stories out there, Eurobeatjester’s Learning to Fly is the one that really captivated me. So much so that I decided to take my first crack at writing fanfiction.
In Learning to Fly, Hisao ends up with Saki Enomoto who suffers from a condition that is fatal. I thought ahead to the inevitable tragic ending, and came to the realization that a Hisao who has known such terrible loss could really stand to reconnect with Emi. That’s what this story is. It’s about the two of them reconnecting in their 30s and helping one another cope with the loss and grief that is weighing them down.
It takes place in a similar continuity to Learning to Fly. I say ‘similar’ because LtF currently isn’t finished, and to tell this story I needed to fill in the ending. So, here are the big events that are relevant to this story that I filled in. Ultimately, EBJ will finish Learning to Fly, at which point the continuities will be clearly distinct. Here are the things that I filled in:
Saki and Hisao got married at 18 so they can be together as long as possible, and to free her of her father.
As Saki’s ataxia worsens, she has to give up on performance and becomes a composer. She becomes a very successful and prolific one in the years she has.
Chisato and Mitsuru broke up when he went to university in Korea, but once he graduates he returns and they get married not long after that.
By 28, Saki’s ataxia is advanced enough that she is ready to go. This story picks up on the sixth anniversary of her death.
While it isn’t crucial that you read Learning to Fly for this story to make sense, I do recommend it. Although, if you’re on the forum, there’s probably a really good chance you have anyway.
STRUCTURE
22 chapters encompass the main story arc. Each of these is from the perspective of either Emi or Hisao.
There are also 9 Epilogues which cover a greater span of time, and are divided into parts with different POVs.
Table of Contents:
Chapters 1-4 (This Post)
Chapter 5-7
Chapter 8 & 9
Chapter 10 and 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16 and 17
Chapter 18 and 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Epilogue 1: Keeping Pace
Epilogue 2: Track Meet
Epilogue 3: Clearing Hurdles
Epilogue 4: Photo Finish
Epilogue 5: Marathon
Epilogue 6: Relay
Epilogue 7: Rest Day
Epilogue 8: Talk Test
Epilogue 9: Finish Line
There's also Yamaku: The Next Generation, which is in the same continuity.
Chapter 1 (Hisao)
"Okay, class. That does it for today. Remember to do the reading on the laws of thermodynamics before Monday, as we'll be doing an exercise in class. Have a nice weekend everyone."
As I pack up my things for the day and say goodbye to my students, I start to steel myself for the events that are coming this evening.
Today is the anniversary. I'm going to visit her grave later with Chisato and Mitsuru. We were good friends before Saki's passing, but over the last few years we've become a lot closer. Sometimes I feel like they think they have to take care of me, especially on days like today. It can feel a little degrading sometimes, but truth be told, I do appreciate everything they've done for me over the last several years.
...
"Do you want us to leave you alone? We can go wait in the car until you're ready."
Chisato and Mitsuru have already paid their respects to their friend, but then can tell that I'm not ready to go yet. This is the usual way of things. I always want to stay later than they do.
"Yeah that would be good. I'll just be a few more minutes."
With Chisato and Mitsuru gone, I feel my vision start to blur as I look at my wife's grave, and tears start to silently flow down my cheeks. I don't feel like I can cry in front of them, because they are always so worried about me already. They look at me like I could break at any minute. Who could blame them? It isn't that far from the truth.
I feel pathetic that it has been six years and this day still affects me this much. I feel so much despair and sadness every day, but it's so much more intense on the anniversary. But why wouldn't I feel this way? I loved her…still love her so much. I've felt a hole in my life for the last six years. It just isn't fair. Why did she have to have ataxia? Why did she have to be taken from us so young? She deserved so much more of a life than she was given. Now the tears are really starting to flow.
Eventually I've cried myself out, and most of my negative emotions seem to have left with my tears. She wouldn't want me to think so negatively about this. I smile as I read her name and trace it with my finger. She did so much with the life she was given. She loved so hard, and really left her mark on the world with all her music. I'm so happy and thankful for all of that. She really did live a full life with the time she had. I'm happy I was part of it. I'm happy she was able to go out on her own terms.
But I still miss her. So much.
I stand up and wipe away my tears before walking back to the car. I get back in without saying anything, but give a nod to Chisato, and we head back to their place.
...
We've just enjoyed some takeout from Saki's favorite restarauant, and now we're just laughing and reminiscing about some of our favorite Saki memories. I talk about the day we met by chance, when I was just trying to find some art supplies, and how she almost immediately began teasing me like she had known me for years. We laugh about the time she made us miss the bus back to Yamaku and we ended up stuck at the beach. We talk about how incredible her performance was at the end of the year concert the day before graduation. We talk about how amazing it was when her first song won a national contest.
Before long it has gotten late, and I stand up, say goodbye to my friends and take a few steps towards the door.
But before I can leave, Mitsuru says, "Hisao, can you just stay a little longer? There are a few things we'd really like to talk about with you. We're…worried about you."
I scoff in frustration but sit back down. "It isn't news to me that you're worried about me. Do we really need to have this conversation today?"
"Yes. I think a day where Saki is at the forefront of all our minds is a good day for this."
I sigh loudly but gesture for them to continue.
Chisato takes over from here.
She looks at me with deep concern all over her face. "Hisao…you made a promise to Saki that you would keep living life to the fullest without her. You promised you'd find happiness, and even find love again one day. But you aren't doing that. You aren't trying to make new friends. Hell, I'm pretty sure the only places you go are the school, our house, and your house. You don't even like to go out with us. You don't ever want to come over when we have company. At some point…you need to start living again. It's great that you've thrown yourself into school, and that you're accomplishing some great things in your professional life since we lost her. But what about your personal life? She... wouldn't want to see you like this. We don't want to see you like this."
Something in my mind snaps, and I leap to my feet and scream at them.
"Don't you THINK I already know that? Do you really think I need YOU TWO to tell me that I'm letting Saki down by being like this? Don't you think I know she would probably HATE the person I've become? Don't you think I hate the person I've become?"
I feel my heart rate start to elevate. I need to calm down. I shouldn't be yelling at them anyway. They are just trying to help.
I sit back down in my seat and avert my eyes from them, and I quietly speak.
"I get it. She was all about doing everything she could with the time she had, and right now, I'm wasting mine. I think about it all the time."
Chisato comes over and crouches to hug me while I'm seated. I feel her body shaking as she starts to cry quietly. I put my hand on her back.
"Look. I'm sorry for yelling. I'm just upset. I'm not angry at you two. I'm thankful for everything you have done for me. I wouldn't be in as good of shape as I am now – such as it is – if it weren't for you two. I promise that I will eventually turn things around. I just… I need more time. But, I am trying, okay? I'm doing the best I can. I won't always be like this."
Neither of them seem convinced by that.
With Chisato incapacitated, Mitsuru takes over.
"Well, that's all we can ask for. Just keep trying, okay? But...we're not just worried about your mental state. We're worried about your health too. With your condition, don't you need to be exercising? It doesn't seem like you've been doing that for some time."
He's not wrong. My exercise regimen has really dropped off. Swimming became too painful to do without Saki, and I haven't really picked anything up to replace it. I do at least walk a lot in my daily life, but I should be doing more. Still, I don't want to talk about this right now.
"Can't you just…lay off? Isn't discussing one of my major shortcomings enough for one night?"
"Can't you at least…think about taking better care of yourself?"
"Yeah, sure. Whatever."
Chisato breaks our hug and seems to have recovered, and she rejoins the conversation.
"That doesn't sound very convincing."
I sigh loudly again and cross my arms.
"I know you're right, okay? My doctor isn't exactly thrilled with the turn things have taken either. I've already been thinking about finding some new way to exercise. I probably need the outlet. It will probably help in more ways than one."
"Good, I'm glad that you've already been thinking about it. I'm sorry we ambushed you like this. It wasn't…exactly planned. But seeing you like this tonight was really hard. You…don't seem well, Hisao. We love you, and we wouldn't be good friends if we didn't speak up about it."
"Oh, so I look awful too huh?" I say half jokingly. "You were right to talk to me about this. I just...have really shut myself down. I need something to get me going again. I'm going to try to do better. Hopefully, by the time of Saki's next anniversary, I'll be in a better place and you two won't have to lecture me again."
Chapter 2 (Hisao)
I am quietly reading a book in my apartment when I'm startled by my phone. It's a little embarassing I was so easily surprised, but I don't get a whole lot of phone calls these days. It seems to be a number that isn't programmed into my phone, but something about the number seems…familiar.
"Hello, this is Nakai speaking."
"Hello, Mr. Nakai."
I recognize this voice, but it has been quite some time. I feel like it is a voice I heard a whole lot of, but it has been awhile. After a few seconds, I realize who it is.
"Mutou! Hello, how have you been?"
He laughs, "I'm glad you still recognize my voice." He laughs, "I suppose it would be hard to forget, given how much I like droning on. Anyway, It has been some time."
He's right. The last time we talked was when he called me after Saki passed away to offer his condolences. I was surprised to get a call from my old teacher, but I really appreciated it. We talked for a couple of hours, catching up on things. We mostly talked about science, which was a nice way to keep things off my mind. He helped me quite a lot during a very dark time.
"It has. To what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Well, I'll cut right to the chase. We'll have time later for some pleasantries. I am going to be retiring at the end of this trimester. The board wanted to know if I had any recommendations to replace me as homeroom and science teacher here at Yamaku. I told them I had only one."
"You mean?!"
"I do. I recommended you for the position. How could I not? You are an alumnus and you are doing quite well for yourself as a teacher. However, I told them I would call you first before I get the ball rolling. I know you've been teaching at that school in Tokyo for awhile now, and you may not want to leave. So, are you interested in the job? I can give you some time to think about it, but not too much I'm afraid. They want to get rolling on the hiring process, so I will need an answer by tomorrow."
I have always wanted to go back and teach at Yamaku. If I'm being honest, it is the first thing I imagined when I decided I want to become a science teacher. Yamaku was a special place for me, and I would love to go back. This is like a dream come true. I know the pay is better too. The only downside I can think of is that I would have to move. But given the rut I'm in, maybe it would do me some good. I don't need time to think about this.
"I am interested in the job, sir. Very interested, actually."
"I'm glad to hear it! I will let the powers that be know. You will have to do an interview of course, but I think you're very likely to get the job. There is still some other faculty here that knows you. I will see if I can extract any recommendations out of them. Expect a call phone tomorrow to set up the interview."
"Thank you so much for recommending me, sir. I look forward to the phone call."
As Mutou predicted, the job interview was mostly a formality and I got the job. It was hard saying goodbye to Chisato and Mitsuru, but they were both really happy for me. I think they thought I could use a change of scenery. Now that I am here, I have to admit, I do feel a little better. I will be keeping in touch with them, and visit them often.
I think Saki would be happy I ended up here. She never thought Yamaku was perfect, but we both got a lot out of being here. Now I'm back, and I can help students the same way the Yamaku staff helped me.
So, I've moved to the town down the hill from Yamaku, where I found a nice apartment. I am walking up that old familiar hill.
It is Spring Vacation. I moved up here early to get settled in my new surroundings, and to take part in some special training at Yamaku. While this sort of thing was pretty awful at my old school, I think this will actually be helpful. While I have a whole lot more experience with disability than most teachers, there are still some things I need to learn when it comes to teaching at a school like Yamaku. I was always impressed with how calmly the faculty and staff could deal with emergencies. Mutou always knew what to do when Hanako had a panic attack or Naomi had a seizure. Hopefully this training can help me be prepared for that kind of thing.
I stop for a moment at the familiar iron gates, reminiscing about the past. I do the same while walking the school grounds. I visit the places that were special to us. I think about the festival where I first really spent time with Saki. I think about sneaking around the dorm security so we could spend the night in eachother's rooms. I remember meeting her by chance outside the performing arts center. I remember proposing to her there after her final performance at Yamaku. I remember our graduation day.
This place really is special to me. I'm happy to be back.
Just as I am walking past the performing arts center, lost in my happy memories, I pick up something in my peripheral vision. Before I can identify what it is, I feel an impact on my side and stumble a few times before falling ass first on the ground.
Meanwhile, the person that ran into me has already pulled herself up and is dusting off her skirt.
"Sorry about that. Are you okay? I was in a hurry and you came out of nowhere from the other side of the building!"
I rub my eyes, because I can hardly believe who I see. Surely I have somehow stepped in the past. Did I some how end up within my own memories? Am I in the Twilight Zone? Have I lost my mind? Thes explanations all make more sense than what appears to be the reality. This isn't the first time this particular person has run into me.
I pull myself up off the ground and say, "E-emi?"
She looks up at me and scans me with her eyes, but she ends up with a confused expression, as if she kind of recognizes me, but it isn't quite clicking.
"Do I…know you?"
No doubt about it. This is definitely Emi Ibarazaki. The Fastest Thing on No Legs, as she used to call herself. Well, based on what just happened that might still be what she calls herself. I haven't seen her since graduation. She looks different of course. After all, it has been sixteen years, but there's no mistaking it. Those bright green eyes, her petite frame, and of course, those prosthetic legs that start just below her knee. In high school she used to try to conceal them by wearing tights or socks, but it seems like now she's fine with people seeing them as they are out in the open.
Gone are her trademark twintails, in favor of a simpler and more adult ponytail. And she certainly looks older than she used to. In high school she could have passed for a middle schooler. Now, I'd say she looks like someone who has just finished college and recently became a working adult, despite the fact that she must be in her mid-30s. She's dressed professionally in a knee-length black and white pinstriped skirt and a white blouse.
"Yes, you definitely know me. Believe it or not, this isn't the first time you've knocked me over while you were rushing somewhere. Though it has been about 16 years, so maybe you forgot."
She walks up to me and looks at me for a few more seconds in silence, walking around me as if she'll uncover some clue about my identity if she looks hard enough.
I smile at her. "You've probably knocked over a lot of people, so don't feel bad if you need me to remind you."
I can see on her face that the realization has finally dawned on her.
"Hi…sao?" she says as if she almost can't believe it herself. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"I was going to ask you the same thing myself."
She laughs, "I work here now, believe it or not. I'm on the medical staff as a physical therapist. Been back here for...about five years now. I'm also the advisor for the track club of course," she says with a wink.
"Wow, that's great. I work here too, though I only just started."
"Holy crap." She slaps herself in the forehead, as all the pieces fall together for her. "You're the new science teacher aren't you? They sent out an e-mail about the new hire but I normally don't read those. Guess I should have this time."
She pulls out her phone and checks the time.
"Listen it has been really cool seeing you again, and I'm sure I'll see you around, but I have to go teach a first aid class for some of the staff and faculty, and I'm getting close to being late."
I laugh at the fact that this is yet another coincidence, and she looks at me confused for a moment, unsure of the joke that she missed out on. Then the light bulb goes off in her head.
"You're…headed to that class right now, aren't you?"
"Yep. Lead the way!"
...
I learned a lot from Emi's first aid seminar. I already knew some of it, but I gained a lot more insight on how to respond to a wider variety of situations. It was really interesting being taught by her after all these years. She is her same old chipper, bright-eyed self. She infused some much-needed levity and humor into what would otherwise have been a very dry two hours.
After the class has emptied out and she is getting ready to leave, I walk up to her.
"That was a really helpful lesson Ibarazaki-sensei." I say this with mock respect and get the laugh out of it that I expected.
"Really though, it was very good. I was a little worried about this side of things, but feel much better now. More prepared."
"Glad to hear it. What are you doing now?"
"Well, there is time for a lunch break now, and then I have another workshop this afternoon."
"Do you want to join me for lunch? It would be nice to catch up."
"Sure! I brought my lunch. Should I meet you on the roof?" I say with a laugh.
She crosses her arms and sneers at me. "Real funny, Nakai. For your information I do still eat on the roof sometimes. Not usually when classes are in session. But that's exactly where I was planning on having my lunch today."
She realizes how silly that sounds and adds, "You must think I haven't changed at all since high school. From your perspective it is like you left Yamaku and I've just been here all along, eating on the roof with Rin, running through the hallways, winning all the track meets, and breaking all the boys' hearts."
I give her a hearty laugh. The most genuine laugh I've had in a very long time.
She adds some mock sentimentality to her voice, puts her hands on her hips, and acts like she is looking off in the distance, "Ah, the good ol' days."
She steps out of her silly pose and says, "Come on Nakai, let's go to the roof!"
...
We have just finished our lunches on the roof. This is surreal. The last time we were up here together she gave me a rice ball while trying to pump me for information about me and Saki. While she has changed in many ways, the very unlady-like way she devours her food certainly hasn't. We're both finished, but not really saying anything.
I get the conversation started.
"So, are you still close with Rin?"
She smiles, "As close as I've ever been. I still don't really understand her of course – no one does, but we do talk from time to time. She lives in Sendai, so it also isn't too hard for me to go to her fancy art shindigs from time to time. We hang out sometimes too. What about you? Still friends with any of your old Yamaku buddies?" The question hangs in the air for a moment as I hesitate about how to address her question, and then her smile turns into a guilty frown.
"Sorry, I…shouldn't have asked that." She pauses, clearly thinking about whether to add something. "I was…sorry to hear about Saki, Hisao. She was a great girl. I was in classes with her all three years here, you know. I probably should have sent you my condolences back when it happened…but I'll offer them now."
"That's okay Emi. It isn't like we really kept in touch, so I'm not offended you didn't reach out or anything."
"Yeah well, maybe I should have made more of an effort to stay in touch. I'm pretty bad at that. Other than Rin I don't talk to anyone from Yamaku, and I don't even keep in touch with people from university. But anyway. I really am sorry. I'm…sure that was hard."
"It was…it is. But I'm coping. Anyway, to answer your original question about my other Yamaku buddies, I am still quite close with Chisato and Mitsuru. I'd say Chisato is probably my best friend, actually. And I see Noriko every now and again."
"That's good. Are you still swimming?"
Shit. Leave it to Emi to think of one's exercise regimen as one of the first things to ask someone about when you're catching up after sixteen years.
"No. I kept at it for quite awhile but I…stopped actually. I mostly go for walks these days."
Her facial expression become one part confused and one part concerned. "Don't you kind of…have to do some cardio because of your condition?"
"I…yeah. I'm supposed to. My doctor, my parents, and my friends are all on me about it, and I know I need to but I just…haven't."
She smirks. "Okay, when I tell you this you're really going to think I've never left Yamaku and haven't changed a bit," she laughs "...but I run at the track every morning. If you're interested in trying to take up running again, I can help! Oh, and this time I won't overlook your condition and try to get you to race me on your first day." She giggles and then winks at me. "I actually know what I'm doing now. I went to college and everything! See, that's different!"
I laugh, "Well, that's a relief. It is really nice of you to offer, Emi. I'll think about it."
She shifts from a silly face to a serious one in less than a second. It is more than a little frightening. "You need to do more than think about it, Nakai. The only reason I got off your back about it back in the day is because you started swimming. You need to be doing something. You can try running with me. I'm there most days at 6:30 a.m., so it is a standing invitation. If you try it and don't want to do it, and even if you don't want to try it all, I can help you find something else that will be good for your heart."
I have a serious case of deja vu.
"I…kind of feel like I'm talking to the old head nurse. But I guess having talks with students about how to take care of their physical health is your job now. So it makes sense."
She laughs, "Funny story about that. That head nurse from when we went here? He's married to my mom now."
My mouth falls wide open in shock, causing Emi to laugh at my surprise.
"I guess you didn't know this back in the day, but I've actually been kind of close to him since before Yamaku. So…there's probably more truth to what you're saying than you might think. He is definitely my professional role model."
Her face suddenly turns serious again.
"But don't try to change the subject Nakai. You need to be doing cardio, and I am going to make sure that happens."
Now her face shifts back to happy-go-lucky Emi. How does she do that?
"Here, put your number in my phone. I will be checking up on you."
Chapter 3 (Hisao)
It's 5 a.m. I can't sleep.
It doesn't happen nearly as often these days, but sometimes my medication can disturb my sleep. Of course, maybe it is just the anxiety of starting a new job that's keeping me up. Even somewhere this familiar.
There are a few days before the first trimester of the year begins. I guess I could get up and look over my syllabi and first few lesson plans.
I groggily pull myself out of bed and stumble to the living room and get out my laptop and start working.
Around 9 a.m. my phone vibrates, I have a text message from an unknown number.
"Hey Hisao. This is Emi. Did you figure out your cardio problem?"
Dammit. I was kind of hoping she had forgotten. I haven't seen her since that day on the roof and thought I might be in the clear. I type out my answer.
"Not really. Have been busy with all the training I was required to do."
She responds surprisingly quickly.
"You need to find time for this. Your well-being depends on it."
I can't help but picture her new scary-serious face when I read that text. I think I can count on her being relentless about this. And it isn't like she is wrong. Maybe a relentless trainer is exactly the motivation I need. Most of the other people in my life tend to back off when I deflect this issue because they feel bad for me, but I don't think she will. I do need to do something about my health. Saki really wouldn't like it that I'm not. I wake up early anyway. I guess I can meet her at the track tomorrow, give things a try.
I type out my reply:
"Will you be at the track at 6:30 tomorrow?"
"I will! Are you going to come?"
"Yes, I will come give it a try."
"Okay, see you then!"
What did I just get myself into?
The next morning I arrive at the track around 6:25 a.m. Emi is already there stretching. She waves at me cheerfully when she spots me. She is wearing a red and white Yamaku track outfit, and is sporting her running blades. If she had twintails instead of a ponytail, this would be a carbon copy of the morning I tried to run with her 16 years ago. Let's hope it goes a little better than that.
I start stretching next to her. "So, what are you going to have me do today?"
"I don't quite know yet. I need to ask you a few questions first."
"Okay, that makes sense."
"When is the last time you did exercise like this? I guess in your case, when did you last swim?"
"Um…it has been about six years."
"...YEARS, Hisao? She lightly slaps my arm. What the hell have you been doing?"
I do my best not to show any emotion on my face, but apparently it didn't work, because she figures out why I stopped swimming.
She puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. "Oh…here I am putting my foot in my mouth about this again. Don't worry about it Hisao. I mean it's not great, but I can work with it."
I give her a nod, so she continues.
"So since it has been awhile, I think today you should just do one lap. I don't even want you to run the whole time. Just run on the straight parts of the track and cool down on the curves. If you feel like anything is wrong, get my attention and I will check on you. Sound good?"
I nod again.
"Alright then, let's get started, Nakai!" she says with some serious drill sergeant energy.
While I do the routine she instructed, she does what must be her usual morning routine. I lose track of the number of times she passes me in the time it takes me to complete my single circuit. She is still the fastest thing on no legs.
Once I am done with my lap, she comes bounding over. She is barely out of breath, while I am breathing heavily. I don't feel too bad though.
"Here, let me listen." She pulls a stethoscope out of her bag. I guess that's what she meant when she said she would check on me. She puts it on and listens to my chest for a few moments.
"It sounds good. You definitely got it pumping and the rhythm is good, nothing irregular going on. Cool down on the bench for a minute while I finish."
She puts the stethoscope away and gets back on the track for at least 4 more laps and then she runs some sprints.
When she is done, she comes over to the bench, sweaty and a little bit out of breath. I am glad to see that even she has her limits.
"So, how was it?"
"Good, I think. It felt good to get even that little bit of exercise."
"Glad to hear it! So you'll be back here tomorrow?"
"I will."
She stands up and wipes her face with a towel.
"Okay, I will write you up a fitness plan, so you can see how we will gradually increase your routine. We need to get you to the point where you can do about an hour of cardio a day. I will bring it with me tomorrow. See you then!" She starts to walk off towards the gym, where she must be going to take a shower.
"Hey, Emi?" I call out after her.
She turns around, "Yeah?"
"Thanks for this. I really appreciate it."
"No problem, I want to get you healthy. See you tomorrow!"
I am sitting down on the bench cooling off while Emi finishes her routine.
I have been training with Emi every day for about two months. I am now at the point where I can run for three laps without stopping. I haven't had any heart flutters or anything.
Every day we stretch together, she reminds me what I am supposed to do, and she listens to my heart when I finish.
We don't talk a whole lot other than exchanging pleasantries and small talk and it is starting to make me feel a bit awkward. We see each other almost every day but we barely talk. I would like to change that. She has really gone out of her way to help me, even making me a fitness schedule and monitoring my health during these runs. I should really do something for her. Luckily I have a plan for that.
When she finishes her routine and sits down next to me to drink her water I ask, "What do you normally do for lunch?"
"Hm? Oh, it depends. Today I was just going to grab something from the cafeteria. Why?"
"Well you've really done a lot for me, so I wanted to do something for you. I made enough lunch for both of us today. We could meet up later and have lunch."
She hesitates, and for a moment I think she is going to tell me she can't make it. I don't know whether it is his her gluttony or guilt that gets to her, but eventually she agrees.
"Okay, that sounds good. Where should I meet you?"
"Do you remember the room where Hanako and Lilly used to eat their lunch? I think Lilly called it their "tea room."
She laughs, "Man, there's two people I haven't thought of in forever. But yeah, I know the spot. See you there at lunch. And Hisao? You're doing really good with this fitness plan."
...
When I get to the tea room, Emi isn't there yet. I've been eating my lunch in here for a few weeks. It really hasn't changed at all. The few times I joined Hanako and Lilly in here all those years ago it had a really relaxing atmosphere, and it still does. It is quiet, and has a large window with a great view.
It's also the place where Saki first opened up to me about her ataxia and the place where we embraced each other for the first time. Even if that last part was kind of an accident. I smile at the pleasant memory.
A few of my fellow teachers have invited me to lunch, and I go sometimes. But I feel more comfortable here most of the time. I guess I'm still not too good at putting myself out there and making friends. Emi's the closest thing to a friend I have here at Yamaku.
Soon I hear a knock at the door and Emi sticks her head in. She smiles when she sees me.
"Oh good, I got the right room this time." She laughs. "I thought I knew where it was, but I got it wrong the first time. Luckily no one was in there."
She comes in and sits across from me, eagerly eying the bento boxes.
I slide hers over to her. "Have you ever had pasta carbonara?"
"Had it? I don't think I've even heard of it. I am not the most worldly when it comes to food. I mostly stick with Asian stuff when I cook. I am guessing this is Italian from the name?" She opens the box "Smells really good though, and I love pasta, so seems great to me."
"Yeah it has bacon and eggs in it, basically."
She nods and digs in with her usual gusto, and doesn't talk until she is finished.
"This was really good Hisao, thanks." She takes a moment to look around the room.
"What ever happened to Lilly and Hanako anyway?"
"Well, Lilly moved to Scotland, where her mom was from, before the end of our last year. Last I heard she is still over there. Teaching English, I think?"
"Oh yeah, I forgot that whole business with Scotland. She was actually going to help me with my English, but she ended up moving. Which sucked, because I ended up having to do remedial lessons."
I laugh, "Yeah, English was always my worst subject. I barely squeaked by. I could have used her help too."
"And Hanako? I remember we were all really worried when Lilly left, but she surprisingly started to come out of her shell and joined newspaper club, right?"
"Yep. She actually ended up going to the same university as me. We weren't really friends or anything, and we didn't have any classes together, but we ran into each other sometimes and made small talk. She was studying journalism. She seemed like she was doing quite well. I guess it turns out she wasn't the fragile girl everyone thought. I'm not too sure what she is doing now, though."
"Yeah, it is easy to lose track of people after all these years. I mean, before you started work here, you and I hadn't talked since graduation and we got along pretty well back in the day. "
"That's true. Thanks for everything. We may have lost touch for all that time, but you took me under your wing almost the moment I got here, and you didn't have to do it. My doctor is really happy with the progress I have made, and I've managed to get some people off my back. You're always welcome to have lunch with me. In fact, I would like it if you did."
Emi breaks eye contact with me, clearly uncomfortable with something I said.
"Hey, no problem Hisao. I am glad you are already starting to see results from your training. It is only going to get better from here. Soon you won't even need me. Well, I've gotta go. Thanks for the meal, see you tomorrow!"
"Sure thing, I wouldn't dream of missing and suffering your wrath."
Emi gets up, gives me a halfhearted wave and smile, and goes out the door.
What exactly happened there?
...
I get home for the evening, put down my things, and collapse on the couch.
That was a pretty long day. It was my first day as the advisor for the science club, and their meeting ended up going pretty long. It is nice that such a club exists now though. We didn't have one in my day. "In my day," huh? Jeez, I've gotten old.
I'm still not sure what happened with Emi. I told her she could have lunch with me if she wanted, and she basically ignored the invitation, told me we probably wouldn't be running together that much longer, and then ran away from me.
What made her so uncomfortable that she had to do that? I don't get it. As I replay our conversation in my head, the pieces start to come together.
Oh no…does she…? Yeah, I bet she thought I was hitting on her. That makes sense. I can even see why she would think that. We're both single and the the same age. I made her lunch, and told her I want to eat lunch with her more. She doesn't have to jump to any especially wild conclusions to misunderstand that. I will have to clear that up in the morning.
I arrive at the track the next morning, and Emi is there and seemingly as chipper as usual. But she is behaving a little bit differently towards me in subtle ways. When I go to stretch next to her, she tries to subtly increase the distance, and she won't look me in the eye. When I complete my run for the day she listens to my heart, but seems a bit uncomfortable that she has to get so close to me.
Once she finishes her routine, she quickly gathers up her things without saying anything except, "See you tomorrow!"
"Emi? Can I talk to you about something before you go?"
"Sorry Hisao, I'm really in a hurry. We can talk another time." She runs off towards the auxiliary building.
Wow, she is really trying to escape. I guess it makes sense, she must think I am about to confess to her or something. I wanted to do this a little more subtly, but I think if I don't tell her this now, she is going to quickly disappear from my life, and I don't want that. I could try texting her, but I suspect she wouldn't believe what I say if she can't see me say it.
I raise my voice so she can hear me, as the distance between us is quickly increasing. What is the best way for me to say this in the fewest words that get my point across?
"I...don't want to date you!" Hopefully that works.
This causes her to freeze in her tracks and turn around on the spot. She closes the distance between us as quickly as you'd expect from the Fastest Thing. As she gets close enough for me to make out her face, it is the angriest I have ever seen her. Oh boy.
"Don't yell something like that. Anyone could hear you, including our coworkers and students." She looks around, confirming no one is watching or listening.
"Did I hear what I thought I heard?"
"Yeah...I don't want to date you. I noticed I made you really uncomfortable yesterday. Then today you were acting really strange. I thought maybe you thought I was hitting on you when I said I would like it if you would join me for lunch more often. I wasn't."
She crosses her arms and looks up at with skepticism in her eyes. "So…you weren't hitting on me when you made me lunch and said you want to spend more time with me? Because that's sure as hell what it sounded like, Hisao."
"No. I realized later it might have sounded that way. But I…I'm not even interested in that kind of relationship. With anyone. I do want to spend more time with you. I'd like to talk to you more and have lunch with you. But I just want to be friends."
She narrows her eyes and analyzes my face closely. "You seem like you're being honest, but I'm not sure."
"Why would I lie about this? Wouldn't I just confess to you if I felt that way? If my goal was to date you, what good would it do for me to say that I don't want to date you?"
"Hm. I don't know, maybe you're playing some kind of mind games, Hisao. It wouldn't be the first time a guy tried to pull that."
I sigh in frustration.
She laughs, "Alright, fine. I believe you. I thought it seemed a little bit out of left field. I mean, I've never even caught you looking at me that way, and I have a pretty good radar for that kind of thing." She winks at me. "You're on probation though, so watch yourself."
"What does that even mean in this context?"
"That I will be keeping my eye on you, make sure this isn't all part of some elaborate long-term plan to get me to fall in love with you." She smiles mischievously at me and then lets out a big sigh. "Truthfully, though, that is a big weight off of my shoulders. Since yesterday I have been very worried about this. I have enjoyed our friendship too. I like having you as a running partner. I also didn't want to reject you and make you feel bad. I felt like I was in a lose-lose situation, so I was thinking...maybe I'd just run away." She smiles at me. "Not having to worry about any of that definitely improved my day."
"I feel a lot better now, too. I was worried you weren't going to let me talk to you about it. I am glad this is all cleared up now."
She pats on me on the arm, "Yep. All clear. Now we can focus on running. That's what matters the most anyway, right?"
I chuckle, "Sure, Emi."
Chapter 4 (Hisao)
I have been training now with Emi every day for three months. I can now do four laps around the track with little difficulty. Physically, I feel the best I have in six years. This has all been good for my mental state too. I am really enjoying teaching here, my students and colleagues seem to like me, and I have been a lot less depressed.
For the last month or so I see Emi more than ever. We have lunch together most days. We even have a lunch schedule so we alternate who is responsible for our food on each day, and we have had fun trying eachother's cooking. We have even hung out outside of work a few times. We've gone to the Shanghai, she's helped me pick out some new running shoes in the city, and the last time I was in Sendai for a doctor's appointment she happened to be visiting her family and she met me for dinner. I also go to all of her club's athletic events. It is fun, and honestly kind of touching, to see her mentor other disabled athletes.
That might not sound like much, but compared to my social life the last few years, those are some big outings.
Our conversations rarely get very personal, but we talk about our jobs, food we like, TV shows, and stuff like that.
The Yamaku festival is coming up, and we will be going to that together too.
Emi is definitely my best friend here at Yamaku. And I think I am hers. She rarely talks about other people. In fact, she seems so isolated that I worry about her sometimes, but who am I to talk? So far, neither of us seems to want to broach personal subjects, and that's fine with me
Things are definitely looking up.
After my morning classes the day before the festival, I notice a student who doesn't usually seem to be especially interested in my lessons has stayed behind to talk to me.
"What can I do for you, Miss Matsui?"
She gives me a stiff bow. She looks nervous. Far more nervous than she normally looks when she talks to me. It's like she is about to speak to some high-ranking noble or a celebrity.
"N-nakai-Sensei, I am in the m-music club, and I p-play the v-violin. At the festival tomorrow, me and two of my classmates are going to perform one of the pieces written by your l-late wife, Saki Enomoto. W-we wanted to invite you to the performance." She grimaces. "I-I'm sorry I didn't do it earlier, but I only l-learned y-yesterday of your r-relationship to her."
She shows me the flier. It features a photo of Saki, with the years of her life underneath it, as if they are just some cold hard figures. It is the photo they always seem to use for these things. It must be the first one when you do a Google image search or something. It's the one they use when they talk about her accomplishments like they occurred in some fossilized, distant past. The one that always reminds me how wonderful she was, and how long it has been since I lost her. The one that reminds me how desperately I still miss her. The one that always reminds me I haven't followed through on my last promise to her. The one that reminds me that she would hate who I am now.
I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I need to calm down.
Matsui looks quite concerned. "S-sensei, are you okay?"
I stand there for a few seconds and control my breathing, and the pounding stops.
"Yes, Matsui. I am fine. But I need to be going."
I take the flier from her and mindlessly make my way up to the tea room. It feels like I have concrete shoes on. Each step takes maximum effort.
When I walk through the door, I lean my back against the wall, and slide down it until I am seated against it, and I cry with my hands on either side of my head and my head between my legs.
Emi gets there a few minutes later and sees the sorry state I am in. She runs over to me, clearly prepared for a medical emergency.
"Hisao! What's wrong? Is it your heart?"
"No, I did have an elevated heart rate for a minute, but it came down."
She frowns, "I…I don't understand, what are you doing on the floor then?"
I look up at her, and she sees the tears silently streaming down my face. Her face becomes wracked with worry and for some reason, there's also a hint of fear.
She sits down next to me and puts her hand on my shoulder. It seems a little unnatural for her.
"Did something happen?"
"N-no. Not really. That's the problem. This was enough to do this to me." I show her the flier.
"One of my students in the band gave me this and asked if I would attend and I just…well, you see me. I broke down. Luckily I managed to make it up here before I completely lost my composure."
I look over at Emi, and she still looks concerned for me. But the fear I detected earlier is even more pronounced.
She fidgets with her pony tail. "Do you um… want to talk about it?"
She says the words, but she sounds like she's hoping I'm going to say 'No.' But I can't turn down her help right now.
"Yeah, maybe that would help. I…just still really miss her, you know? I'm…always a little sad about it, but then something like this comes up and pushes me over the edge. It isn't…rational, but it upsets me when one of these performances comes up, like she is some long-dead composer or something. No, it isn't even that…exactly. I mean that's part of it, but seeing her picture...and the years of her life. It reminds me that I am still like this, a complete mess, six years later."
Emi grimaces and thinks for a moment while massaging her neck. "W-well, grief can be really hard. I don't think you need to beat yourself up about it. It is hard enough dealing with the grief, you don't want to throw shame into the mix too, do you?"
"Y-you're right, but…the thing that really bothers me lately is a promise I made to her."
"A promise?"
"Yeah…one of the last things she ever said to me was that she wanted me to keep living life to the fullest, to take advantage of the time I have, to be happy, to find love again…and I promised her I would…" My silent stream of tears is starting to become a torrent now, they are making it difficult to talk.
"But…I…haven't…done..any..of…it." Emi puts her head on my shoulder and hugs me, trying to calm me down. It helps a little, and I regain enough of my composure to continue.
"I shut my life down in most ways when I lost her. I stopped swimming…I stopped going out…I stopped socializing...I stopped doing pretty much everything but working. I'm afraid to get close to anyone because I don't want to lose them like I lost her. She would hate who I have become. And I know that, and I still can't get my shit together and honor my promise to her. At all. I'm a fucking mess."
Emi is still hugging me, when she says. "Well, Hisao. Since you came back to Yamaku you have been doing some of those things, right? You are doing a better job of taking care of yourself since you started running, we have gone out and done some stuff together, and I'm a new friend aren't I? I mean, I guess a renewed friend is pretty close right? Anyway, the point is you're being too hard on yourself, okay?"
"Y…yeah, you're right. I have been doing better since I came back here."
Then her face gets serious, her voice gets sharp, and she pokes me in the ribs with her finger.
"Saki would never hate you for this. I don't want you to think that way. You're trying your best to honor your promise to her right? If you weren't, you wouldn't be this upset about it. You can't do anything more than try. Personally I think you're doing a pretty damn good job."
She hesitates for quite some time while she wrings her hands together and looks lost in thought.
"S-some days are worse than others, right? Like today. But grief isn't linear. I think you are trending in the right direction overall. Saki would understand, I think. So, try to focus on that."
"You're right. I keep wanting to just reach this point when I don't fall to pieces anymore, but I guess the most I can hope for is that it happens less."
She releases me from her hug.
"Are you feeling better now?"
"Yeah. This helped, thank you."
"Good. What are you going to do about the concert?"
I sigh. "I'm going to go. That undoubtedly means they will make an announcement about how I am there and they will awkwardly ask me to stand up, but I think I can handle that. I do love her music, and I am so proud of what she accomplished. She would love that they are performing it at this festival, just like she used to do. I just…it's hard sometimes having people talk about her as some distant abstract idea...when she's…still so present for me…"
I shake my head in an attempt to break my negative train of thought.
"Anyway, yeah, so I will be doing that as part of the festival tomorrow. You can come with me to that part if you want…or we can meet up after."
She doesn't respond. I see the same look of fear on her face I saw earlier. Her eyes are darting around the room now, as if she's considering her best escape option.
"A-actually Hisao, I found out today that I won't be able to make it to the festival this year. Something came up."
She looks at her phone. "Oh shoot, I've gotta get going. Things to do. Your lunch is on the table over there, okay?"
She stands up and makes a break for the door, but turns around and looks at me with some concern. "You are okay, right?"
"Yes, Emi, I will be fine. Thank you." She looks relieved.
"Good. See you later!"
Well, that was confusing. First, she was exactly what I needed in a really low moment and helped pull me out of it. And then…she abruptly canceled our plans for tomorrow with a questionable excuse and looked like she couldn't wait to leave the tea room. It kind of reminds me of the time when she thought I was hitting on her. Surely that isn't what she thinks this time, given what we just talked about. She is so hard to read.
"
"