Feurox's Den of Sadness Updated 5th of January, 2024

[Feurox]

This story was written in response to the YA server competition, where we are given pairings, locations, and modifiers to write a yarn. Below are my options for each, though I think really all the modifies apply in some way or another.



A significant amount of this story is inspired by Brythain's Miki arc in AtD, please do me and him the honour of reading it. Of course, massive thanks to Lap for your feedback, help, and proofreading.

Here are some songs that I think fit the theme of this tale:

Her's - What Once Was

Lauv - Tired of Love Songs

JT Roach - Symmetry

Sorry Crafty, only three songs this time. And Mirage - the next one will be a happy one, I promise.

[brythain]

Ah that's some good writing, that is. Good characterisation, obligatory time-blips, has a nice stormy atmosphere of the time just before an end, fin-de-siecle kind of feeling. Or perhaps a new beginning. Melancholia plus a hint of petrichor. It's a winner in my book.

Taro, Miki, Hanako and Suzu are nothing like AtD-versions. But they're good ones anyway.

[Hanako Fancopter]

Lilly is a centerpiece in everyone's stories it seems. Taro was an interesting choice for a focus character as well. I have to say I think the idea of people mourning at Hisao's funeral is a bit cliched, but this one was still interesting due to the different perspectives and all of the lore-building. I came away from reading it with this image of Hisao as this Gatsby-esque figure throwing all these parties in his and Lilly's mansion with the social world of the Katawaverse revolving around him. Which, honestly, doesn't fit my image of Hisao very well, but it's an entertaining take nonetheless.

[Craftyatom]

A Country Where the Thunder Goes
I've seen this scenario come up as an option in a lot of my competition prompt assignments, and have considered it from time to time, but it never seemed that appealing. Specifically, having it be Hisao's funeral always seemed a bit cliche, as copter said - but I also believe you handled it quite well. You gave Hisao a decent lifespan, though it's left kind of ambiguous, and I did wonder at some points how he got such a high academic standing at such a young age. I guess it's some combination of his being a wunderkind and his drive to do as much as possible with the time he has.

I feel like you definitely took my advice on an earlier story about making things a bit clearer to the reader, without overdoing it. The characters are properly assigned names fairly quickly, but in a way that focuses on how they've changed since high school. You did leave the identity of Hisao's widow open-ended for the first section, with some clues here and there before the reveal, which I liked. I also didn't realize that the venue was Hisao's house at first - again, partly because his status is a bit higher than expected at first, and partly because it's not immediately confirmed that he's married to Lilly.

The characterization is good, and the dialogue feels fluid, as always. The way you portray the emotions of people who had varying levels of connection to Hisao is superb, and the theme of conflicting emotions at a wake is particularly powerful. At first, I thought that everyone had the right kind of response except Miki, who seemed too invested for just a random friend from high school, but that got cleared up in the end, and was (again) particularly poignant.

“Things can’t be that bad, you still living in New York?”

“Just outside, it’s a cheap commute to work,” I explain and he nods.

This part felt kind of out-of-place to me. Miki is lamenting how she needs to get her life together and hasn't really accomplished anything in her (now noticeably limited) time. She went to university in Japan, then went to work for a Japanese company in marketing, but was good enough at English that they moved her to work in New York? It's entirely feasible, but the story isn't set up in such a way that we can really find out. Or maybe this is one of those After the Dream references that I wouldn't get because I've never managed to read all of those.

Also, on a less technical note, I don't think anyone working in NY would ever refer to the commute as "cheap"; more like "hellacious, but cheaper than the outrageously expensive alternative". :P

Lilly’s father gives me a hug as I pass him, and we briefly talk about how things are getting on at our respective works. He’s always been very kind to me, and even offered to adopt me a long time ago.

Say what you want about Sisterhood, but I maintain that it leaves an impression on everyone's headcanon. Again, you'll have to forgive me if it's also a plot point in AtD.

“You know,” I begin, and sigh over the balcony edge. “I think he was my best friend, and I don’t think I ever told him that.” It’s a really long way down from here.

“At my place? Too small. Nah, but these guys have a balcony, you’re always talking about yours, so it got me thinking about you,” she explains.

I must admit, I really thought this was foreshadowing the cheesiest death ever: Hisao getting too caught up in his conversation with Miki, and accidentally falling off of the beautiful balcony of his own house. Thank you for not doing that.

I came away from reading it with this image of Hisao as this Gatsby-esque figure throwing all these parties in his and Lilly's mansion with the social world of the Katawaverse revolving around him.

I got that kind of feeling as well - particularly with the mentions of Lilly and her affinity for such things, which seemed to be emphasized. I personally quite liked it, even if there were one or two moments where it got laid on a bit thick.

As with your previous story, I think the quotes got better as the story progressed. The first had a good idea but was poorly worded and rather disconnected from the story's theme, the second was funny and wise (good old Pratchett) but those two aspects clashed with each other a bit, and the third had gravity in both subject matter and execution.

Anyways, overall, quite an enjoyable story! Not even that sad, all things considered! Quite possibly one of my favorites from you.

[NoticeMeOppai]

Apologies for how long it's taken to getting around to commenting - apparently it's been four months since you managed to do mine. I have no excuses and having finally read through them regret not doing so earlier - Je suis désolée.

Ekephrasis

Not sure I'd describe it as a Rika x Hisao story myself, but an enjoyable read nontheless. Not really sure whether the romantic switch to Suzu for Lou was quite in keeping with the rest of the story though. I felt it was a little jarring.
I really liked his inner struggle of "am I worth it" finally having made his mind up only to realise he's missed his chance, very poignant.

American Spirit

Harrowing. Poor Suzu and poor Takashi. Really liked Saki's role as a foil for Suzu as well.

Spectral Letters

Got to say, your synopsis on the title page made me expect a very different story. That said, it was well written but otherwise didn't do much for me - feels like well trodden ground.

8 Years

"Now she'd written my accomplished academic work than..."

Had to read this one twice as I completely missed the point the first time. A beautifully melancholic piece that gives you just enough to paint a picture that you fill the details in yourself. Not sure if you've rewritten this since the initial comments but on a second reading it seemed pretty clear to me that she'd hung herself.

I am Disappeared

I really liked this. The pacing and mood throughout were absolutely spot on and Rika's narration draws you in beautifully. A̶l̶l̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶m̶i̶s̶s̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶m̶u̶t̶ ̶s̶c̶e̶n̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶t̶w̶e̶e̶n̶ ̶R̶i̶k̶a̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶S̶a̶k̶i̶.̶ I have to admit I also fell for the POV switch at first but don't think it detracts anything.

Requiem for a Heartsong

Damn Feu, I know this is supposed to be the 'feels' trilogy but calm down. Very cute story with an adorable OC.

Time is Dancing

Heavy stuff. Strokes are horrifically terrifying things for both the victims and their loved ones, sorry you had to go through that. You communicate across that sinking feeling of not knowing what to do, feeling obligation and then guilt for not wanting to deal with it any more very well.

When you mentioned the new guy arriving I half expected Suzu to start a relationship with Hisao, further complicating her feelings for Lou. I think I'm glad it didn't go that way but I do love a dumpster fire of drama so probably would have enjoyed it either way.

At the start when she's at her parents' house having flashbacks I definitely thought he'd died and somehow what actually happened is worse. Anyway, a very well written heartbreaking piece.

The Kintsugi Club

I'll start this by saying I really don't like Akio as a narrator here, he's just too bitter and full of self-pity to relate to or really want to root for him. The ending also left me wanting, as Crafty mentions earlier in the thread it feels like Saki's part in the story is unresolved. I feel like he should have pushed the point a bit more - Saki already matters to him at this stage, he's already going to be hurt when she dies. He's also learnt that it's more important to try regardless of the outcome so unless he's very much compartmentalised this revelation it would be good for him to try and get Saki to see this applies to her situation as well.

That being said it's excellently written as always and there's definitely some phrases that will stay with me here ("You can't un-crush a butterfly"? Love it). I also really liked the way Akio complains about Hisao, got a fair few chuckles from those parts.

A Long Way Down

I remember reading this at the time of the contest and I enjoyed it then too. Still not sure how Lilly knew it was Suzu though...

Circuitboard City

Cute little story, liked the two different perspectives and particularly Rin's conviction that she knows sign.

A Country Where The Thunder Goes

I always enjoy these 'what everyone got up to afterwards' fics. The perspective changes are nice although the added time skip of the last one threw me for a minute. It's a nice atmospheric vignette that leaves me wanting more.

The New Year

Haha Hisao giving it the old hoverhand! I like the way it jumps back and forth between the present and her memories (fantasies?). Good twist there, definitely surprised me. I wonder if any of the memories are real or just wishful thinking.

Christmas Spirits, City Angels, A Shanghai Carol

Love the idea of Rika being a Fujoshi! I really like how you've used a different writing style for the two sections, it's very well done.

Writing on the Wall

Not familiar with any of the music choices you've picked for this, but the title has meant I've had Prodigy's Omen in my head throughout.

As for the actual story, it's very well written, despite not being used to writing it you clearly have a good eye for smut. Very much enjoyed it, it captures that feeling of awkward teenage romance and how confusing feelings can be especially when you're still not sure who you want to be yourself.

***

It was fun reading this all through as you can really see how you progress as a writer! Definitely a master of the atmospheric melancholy and I look forward to seeing anything more you decide to write in future!

[Chatty Wheeler]

Analysis of Time Is Dancing

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Hello Feurox!

It would appear that I am a year late to this party, but I've finally dipped my heels and toes into the world of feels and woes. I'm not sure I can say much that hasn't already been said by others about this story, but regardless, I'm going to say what I want to.

This was a superb story that I absolutely adore. A brilliant tragedy, a technical marvel, an emotional powerhouse—all wrapped in such a small word count given a story of this scope. I'm honestly struggling to think about where to begin with my thoughts on this story... so I guess that I'll just start from the beginning.

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“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Right off the bat, this is a great opening line. Instantly, there is a mystery for the reader to chew their fingernails over. On that subject, get used to me using the word "mystery" in this analysis. If there's one thing that Feurox loves peppering into his stories—the stories that I've read, at least—it's mysteries to keep the reader engaged.

Feurox smartly keeps the amount mysteries in this segment to a minimum. In fact, there's really only one mystery for us to worry about: the subject that Suzu "doesn't want to talk about." This means that the reader can ease into the story without being overwhelmed with too many questions to juggle.

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We spend the rest of this first segment building tension—an awkward family dinner will always do the trick to build tension—and learning small clues leading up to the big reveal:

“I miss him.” They both look at me, surprised I’ve even said anything after so long. The room suddenly feels so cold, and everything is so, so blurry.

“I miss him, so, so much.”

Bam. Our first mystery has been solved, and in its place, a whole slew of other mysteries are introduced. Who is "him?" Where did "he" go? Did "he" die?

That last question is what immediately caught my attention. Conventional storytelling trends in addition to the depressed way Suzu was acting in the first segment made me suspect that "he" died, and that this story would be about Suzu grieving over the death of this individual that she held dear to her.

With this theory in mind, it was clear that Feurox didn't want the separation of our two lovers to be a mystery. With the way he set it up, the eventual splitting of Suzu and Lou was inevitable to the reader. Essentially, Feurox reframed the dramatic question of the story from "what happened?" to "how it happened?

I've seen some other commenters argue that reframing the dramatic question like this robs the inevitable tragedy of some of its punch (because we know right from the beginning what the outcome of the relationship is going to be), and while this is a fair argument, I think that what we may lose in punch is more than supplemented with the added tension that comes with framing a story around a "how?" instead of a "what?"

For example, the waltzing scene at the river was magical, but in the back of my mind there was always that tension of knowing that the magic wouldn't last for our two lovers... When Suzu and Lou ran through the city, danced on stage at the restaurant, and Lou gave Suzu the lovely poem for her birthday, there was always a tension in the back of my mind knowing that that would be the last birthday they would spend together... This twinge of tension is felt throughout the entire story, and I think that it was smart of Feurox to frame a tragedy like he did. This kind of structure was used to great effect in a movie like "Titanic," or a movie like "The Social Network," the latter of which being among my favorite films.

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As we move along in the story, all the while jumping—or should I say dancing—between the two time sequences, mysteries or small batches of mysteries are introduced and then solved in a way that is natural and easy to understand for the reader. I would argue that the way that the story hops between times is precisely why the mystery structure works so well here. Often, each scene mirrors, foreshadows, or in some other way plays into the next scene.

• The first segment (in the future) ends with us being introduced to a "him" that Suzu was separated from. In the second segment (in the past), we immediately learn that "him" was Lou, and we get to learn about why Suzu misses him so much—the two were lovers.

• The second segment (in the past) ends with Suzu and Lou dancing illuminated by millions of fireflies—completely basked in light. Then, the third segment (in the future) begins and Suzu waking up in her bed, completely shrouded in darkness. To seal the deal, the fireflies that Suzu keeps in a mason jar in her room are not active and not producing any light—the light of the relationship between Suzu and Lou is figurative and literally gone...

• The third segment (in the future) ends with the fireflies awakening once more—showing that Suzu still has a flicker of hope for her relationship with Lou to return to its former glory. Then, the forth segment (in the past) abruptly begins with Suzu and Lou running through the lights of the city on their way to the dinner date—this is the former glory that Suzu wants to rekindle.

• Jumping ahead further, when Suzu eventually returns to the Yamaku in the future, she sees Lou waiting for her. We think to ourselves, "wait, Lou did survive his second stay in the hospital?" And to further make us confused as to whether or not Suzu is just seeing a vision of Lou, she comments that she merely sees the "ghost of Lou" waiting for her at the Yamaku gates. Then, we jump back to the past where Lou makes his return to Yamaku after being the hospital, confirming once and for all that he is alive. And, mirroring the last segment, Suzu is now the one waiting for Lou to return to Yamaku.

• Another example comes in the future when Lou and Suzu see Miki while on their way to the dorms—Miki timidly looks at them before quickly getting out of their way. Just like that, we're given a new mystery: what happened between Miki, Suzu and Lou? Directly after that, we jump back to the past and find out precisely what happened. We see their fight.

• Not long after, we see Takumi ignoring Suzu and Lou as they pass through the male dorms. Yet again, we're given a mystery: what happened between Takumi, Suzu, and Lou? Once more, we are immediately brought back to the past to see the fight between them which shook their relationship.

I could go on and on with pointing out and explaining each of these mysteries and the clever ways that they are presented, but I think you get the point. There are so many mysteries here, and by having the story jump between the future and the past, the mysteries can be revealed at a steady pace and not risk spoiling the answers too quickly.

Eventually, when all the mysteries have been revealed to us, the two timelines meet up and the story progresses linearly from there. This is a great compromise between the two styles of writing. After we know all of the answers to the puzzle, we don't need to hop back and forth between future and past anymore. Instead, Feurox can focus on tying everything together to deliver a knockout ending in the future... But I'm gonna save that ending for a little later...

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In the meantime, let's take a step back.

One of the biggest twists of the story is that Lou isn't actually dead... He merely suffered a second stroke—one that we find out has severely altered his personality... So, it turned out that my initial conjecture was incorrect, and soon enough, the dramatic question of this story changes again.

As the realization dawns slowly, painfully on the reader that Lou's increasingly toxic behavior is the "how?" that separates the two lovers, the dramatic question that gave the story its tension begins to fade. The reader doesn't need to ask "how?" anymore, so you'd think that the tension in the story goes down, right?

Wrong. Dead wrong. Feurox knew that he needed to keep up the tension in the story, so he did something rather clever... Right as Lou is returning to Yamaku from the hospital in the past, Mr. Lamperogue pulls Suzu aside and tells her that Lou may not have fully recovered, and that if anything seems wrong or goes wrong between the two of them, that Suzu should call him to let him know. And with that, the tension is back in full swing...

After the conversation with Mr. Lamperogue, the dramatic question of the story begins to morph from "how?" to "when?" More specifically, "when is Suzu going to make the call to Lou's father." With the change in the dramatic question, there is still tension felt by the reader even after they know the "how?"

Ever wonder why Feurox decided to have Mr. Lamperogue and Suzu have this discussion at this particular moment? It's because this scene is when "how?" starts to fade, so he makes sure that the "when?" is introduced at just when that happens to make sure there is no gap in tension.

It's brilliant stuff, y'all...

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Alright, before I talk about the ending of this story and give my final reflection, let's talk about some standout lines and scenes that I took note of while reading!

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"Then he raises his voice. “Our child requires sustenance immediately; shall we prepare the toad and worm stew for her?” He takes a sidelong glance towards me, to see if I’m laughing, I think. I try to give him a smile, but I don’t know how to anymore.

Very relatable bit. I'm not a father, but I've had exchanges similar to the one above play out with my younger sister. I'd always try and make silly little jokes to make her laugh. Sometimes she'd laugh, but sometimes she'd groan and wonder to herself why she got stuck with such a weird brother like myself.

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“I’m hungry.” I finally say.

Suzu says this multiple times as a deflection technique. It's quite a childish thing to do—seeing as how I pulled similar tricks in my youth—which perfectly shows how Suzu is... reverting (for lack of a better term) back to a state of childlike vulnerability and dependence. After all, she literally returned to her parents' house. Very subtle, Feurox...

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We waltz in the moonlight, two lights in a million, a sea of firefly stars around us and above.

You deserve a medal for this line.

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We twirl away, two in a million lights beneath a chandelier moon.

Oh, come on... You're gonna use that phrase again? That's too clever, man...

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It’s a ballroom…

Oh, you clever son of gun...

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"It’s not very late, but the sun has started to set and the amber evening makes everything look like we’re driving into heaven or something."

I know this is a small detail, not terribly important to the rest of the story, but I like how you put the "or something" at the end of this sentence. It reminded me of NuclearStudent talking about how adding "or something" to the end of a sentence makes the character seem less sure of themselves or less caring of what they're saying. This perfectly describes Suzu in this situation.

That's right, Nuke. I take your wisdom into consideration when writing these analyses. I think that you're a pretty clever fellow.

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I had a cataplexy attack a few days ago. As always, Lou was there. He stayed with me until things calmed down.

This is a nice line particularly because of where it was placed in the story—after Lou had his second stroke. It goes to show that even after how toxic their relationship has gotten, a bit of the old Lou is still in there, giving Suzu that little bit of hope that she's desperately clinging to.

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Sometimes he’d carry me to class, or to the nurse’s office. Now, with how distant he feels, and how on edge he seems, I just want to carry him in return, but I guess I’m not that strong.

Great line. Not much more to say about it. It's just great.

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Alright. Now that we've finished running through my favorite lines, let's run through some symbolism!

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Symbolism: Light

• In the first segment, Suzu calls lightbulbs an "artificial daylight."

• In the second segment, Suzu and Lou become "lights" as they dance.

• In the third segment, Suzu can't sleep, and wonders where all the stars went. The "stars" being the fireflies that she keeps in a mason jar in her room—they are inactive and not producing any light. To stave off the darkness, she turns on the lights in her room. Suzu feels more comfortable, but remember, the lightbulb is "artificial," so she's not really comfortable, it's an artificial comfort that she's feeling. That's why she came home—to feel comforted—but it's not solving the problem. She's just running away from her problems.

• In the forth segment, Suzu notes the following: "Every corner we round, we head deeper into the heart of the city, the neon lights dancing around us like pulsating fireworks, appearing, then disappearing as we pass them." Once they enter ballroom, they once again become "lights" as they dance.

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Symbolism: Hand Holding

The increasingly strained way that Suzu and Lou hold hands represents the slow decent into toxicity that their relationship goes through. At the beginning, the two hold hands almost all the time—it's a sort of comfort for the two of them. They're in love, and they hold hands as a silent way of expressing that love.

Then, when Suzu visits Lou in the hospital after his second stroke and she tries to comfort him... this happens:

He laughs harshly, and pulls his hand back from me, which startles me a little.

“Nyot oykay.” He finally says, his slur sounding worse than before.

This is the first time we've seen something like this. This is how we know something is wrong. These two usually hold hands all the time, so seeing them not doing that is off-putting. It only gets worse from here...

Next, when Lou returns to Yamaku, Suzu tries to hold his hand and... this happens:

“Y-ywou, as -ash – ashwyell.” He finally responds, but he doesn’t squeeze my hand back, and our fingers slowly fall from each other as we follow the others to Takashi’s room.

Once again, they fail to hold hands... There's a growing disconnect between the two of them. Their old connection is being severed, and we're about to see it replaced with a darker, more painful connection...

When Suzu returns to Yamaku from her parents house, she meets up with Lou, and right then and there... this happens:

"I guess Lou has noticed me scanning the treeline around us, and he squeezes my hand, hard."

Now, the two of them are holding hands again, but it's longer a comforting feeling, it's a discomforting feeling. The way that Lou squeezes Suzu's hands is a clear parallel for the increasingly controlling and toxic way that he treats Suzu. In addition, the way that the two are so tightly trying to bridge the gap between them may speak to how desperate both of them have become at trying to hold on to one another—they're forcefully trying to reestablish the connection.

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Symbolism: Dancing

I almost don't even need to explain this myself—dancing is probably the most unambiguously important symbol in this story. It's in the title for crying out loud!

Yeah, I don't really need to explain this in much detail, since I'm sure everyone else figured this all out themselves and I don't want to patronize anyone reading this. What starts out as a magical way for our two lovers to connect and express their love turns into a messy, taboo relic of their past relationship. As much as the two try to fix their dance, it never does get fixed, due large in part to Lou shutting Suzu's dance offers down.

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Alright, we've made it to the ending... Where do I begin...

When I started reading this story, and after I reached the end of the first segment, I was almost certain that this would be a story about learning to cope with the grief of death. The tragedy of losing a loved one—especially at a young age—to death is perhaps the most emotionally charged forms of tragedy in all of literature. Despite its emotional resonance, this type of tragedy can become quite predictable...

Instead, Feurox gives us a twist that Lou has suffered a fate that is perhaps worse than death. Not only does Suzu go through the grief of losing the boy she loved, but she goes through the astronomical guilt of not being able to remain by the side of the new boy who inhabits the body of her previous lover. Of course she would feel guilty breaking up with him—it'd feel like she was abandoning him—but after everything Lou did, everything he put his friends through, everything he put Suzu through, climaxing in the gut-wrenching scene in Lou's bedroom, I think I was just hoping that she would let go. I didn't want Suzu to suffer any longer—both of them needed a clean slate. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize that something is horribly, horribly wrong.

Fortunately and unfortunately, gratefully and regretfully, Suzu breaks up with Lou. Despite how depressed she feels and how empty her heart will be for many days and weeks to come, she is reminded that she always has her friends to support her. How beautiful...

I was perfectly content for the story to end right there, but this is Feurox we're talking about, we gotta throw in some feels.

It was this line:

“Cy – can I,” he sniffles, but reaches his hand out to me. “Cayn, I – I Hayve one la- last, one laysht dance.”

It was this line that did it to me. I teared up—making this story one of two on these forums to do so. The only other story to get such a response out of me being Dewelar's Developments.

Returning to the light symbolism from before, during this ending while the two are dancing, the lights of the town are coming on behind them. For just a moment, Suzu, Lou, and the reader are tempted into thinking that maybe the light is returning for our two lovers—maybe there is hope.

But it's too late... Suzu steps back from Lou, rejecting his advance. Lou's face is "shrouded in the dark." The light is gone.

It's over.

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Reflection:

After reviewing Feurox's other story, A Chiasmus Through the Night, he reached out to me and recommended Time is Dancing to me. He called it the work that he was most proud of. I can certainly see why—I hope he feels proud of this. This is a magnificent story executed with grace and skill. Very few writers can illicit such emotion from their works—much less when its a one-off that doesn't have three previous acts or twenty-three television episodes to bounce off of.

I realize that much of this analysis was technical rather than emotional, but I can't help myself—this story is too technically rich for someone like me to ignore. It's rare to see a story on these forms with such an effective use of symbolism—it's certainly something that I will be taking note of for the future. In addition, I personally appreciate the "mystery" structure that Feurox included into this story. You could say I'm a real sucker for mysteries, and this story has that in spades.

I don't cry while reading literature very often. The only KS route that I truly cried for was Lilly's route. The only KS fan-fiction that I've welled up at was Developments, so when I say that I welled up while reading this story, I hope that it's clear that this story packs emotion, and that Feurox did his job fantastically.

Thank you for writing this, Feurox.

Take care, everyone!

[Feurox]

I think I ought reply to this incredibly thoughtful analysis. Apologies I haven't done so sooner.

Analysis of Time Is Dancing

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Hello Feurox!

It would appear that I am a year late to this party, but I've finally dipped my heels and toes into the world of feels and woes. I'm not sure I can say much that hasn't already been said by others about this story, but regardless, I'm going to say what I want to.

This was a superb story that I absolutely adore. A brilliant tragedy, a technical marvel, an emotional powerhouse—all wrapped in such a small word count given a story of this scope. I'm honestly struggling to think about where to begin with my thoughts on this story... so I guess that I'll just start from the beginning.

Thank you! I'm very glad you enjoyed it! There certainly is a reason I recommend this for anyone who wants to read my stuff to get a flavour of what my writing is like/usually about!

Right off the bat, this is a great opening line. Instantly, there is a mystery for the reader to chew their fingernails over. On that subject, get used to me using the word "mystery" in this analysis. If there's one thing that Feurox loves peppering into his stories—the stories that I've read, at least—it's mysteries to keep the reader engaged.

Feurox smartly keeps the amount mysteries in this segment to a minimum. In fact, there's really only one mystery for us to worry about: the subject that Suzu "doesn't want to talk about." This means that the reader can ease into the story without being overwhelmed with too many questions to juggle.

We spend the rest of this first segment building tension—an awkward family dinner will always do the trick to build tension—and learning small clues leading up to the big reveal:

I'm not so sure mystery aptly describes the sort of thing I try to do. In so far as the reason might not be immediately obvious, maybe (but I'd argue that for the most part we all know what's happening, the trick, I think, is whether I can compel you to read anyway.) Maybe Time is Dancing is a poor example then, because obviously I'm trying to suggest Lou has died (and really, he has), but things aren't what they seem. Still, mystery, at least to me, has too significant an element of the mystical - things are how they are in my stories, if they're confusing, that's because that's life. As CraftyAtom said of 'The Kintsugi Club', they mirror the boredom, the restlessness, and the contrivances of life - but that doesn't necessarily make for a compelling story. (paraphrased) Regardless of that little tangent, I've seen a bit of discussion about whether framing the story like this works. As Mirage stated, it sort of undercuts the reveal when Lelouch and Suzu go wrong. On the other, it seems to succeed in making readers wrongly believe Lou has died, and maybe when they meet him now, part of them wishes he has.

Bam. Our first mystery has been solved, and in its place, a whole slew of other mysteries are introduced. Who is "him?" Where did "he" go? Did "he" die?

That last question is what immediately caught my attention. Conventional storytelling trends in addition to the depressed way Suzu was acting in the first segment made me suspect that "he" died, and that this story would be about Suzu grieving over the death of this individual that she held dear to her.

With this theory in mind, it was clear that Feurox didn't want the separation of our two lovers to be a mystery. With the way he set it up, the eventual splitting of Suzu and Lou was inevitable to the reader. Essentially, Feurox reframed the dramatic question of the story from "what happened?" to "how it happened?

I've seen some other commenters argue that reframing the dramatic question like this robs the inevitable tragedy of some of its punch (because we know right from the beginning what the outcome of the relationship is going to be), and while this is a fair argument, I think that what we may lose in punch is more than supplemented with the added tension that comes with framing a story around a "how?" instead of a "what?"

For example, the waltzing scene at the river was magical, but in the back of my mind there was always that tension of knowing that the magic wouldn't last for our two lovers... When Suzu and Lou ran through the city, danced on stage at the restaurant, and Lou gave Suzu the lovely poem for her birthday, there was always a tension in the back of my mind knowing that that would be the last birthday they would spend together... This twinge of tension is felt throughout the entire story, and I think that it was smart of Feurox to frame a tragedy like he did. This kind of structure was used to great effect in a movie like "Titanic," or a movie like "The Social Network," the latter of which being among my favorite films.

Well you said it better than me really.

As we move along in the story, all the while jumping—or should I say dancing—between the two time sequences, mysteries or small batches of mysteries are introduced and then solved in a way that is natural and easy to understand for the reader. I would argue that the way that the story hops between times is precisely why the mystery structure works so well here. Often, each scene mirrors, foreshadows, or in some other way plays into the next scene.

• The first segment (in the future) ends with us being introduced to a "him" that Suzu was separated from. In the second segment (in the past), we immediately learn that "him" was Lou, and we get to learn about why Suzu misses him so much—the two were lovers.

• The second segment (in the past) ends with Suzu and Lou dancing illuminated by millions of fireflies—completely basked in light. Then, the third segment (in the future) begins and Suzu waking up in her bed, completely shrouded in darkness. To seal the deal, the fireflies that Suzu keeps in a mason jar in her room are not active and not producing any light—the light of the relationship between Suzu and Lou is figurative and literally gone...

• The third segment (in the future) ends with the fireflies awakening once more—showing that Suzu still has a flicker of hope for her relationship with Lou to return to its former glory. Then, the forth segment (in the past) abruptly begins with Suzu and Lou running through the lights of the city on their way to the dinner date—this is the former glory that Suzu wants to rekindle.

• Jumping ahead further, when Suzu eventually returns to the Yamaku in the future, she sees Lou waiting for her. We think to ourselves, "wait, Lou did survive his second stay in the hospital?" And to further make us confused as to whether or not Suzu is just seeing a vision of Lou, she comments that she merely sees the "ghost of Lou" waiting for her at the Yamaku gates. Then, we jump back to the past where Lou makes his return to Yamaku after being the hospital, confirming once and for all that he is alive. And, mirroring the last segment, Suzu is now the one waiting for Lou to return to Yamaku.

• Another example comes in the future when Lou and Suzu see Miki while on their way to the dorms—Miki timidly looks at them before quickly getting out of their way. Just like that, we're given a new mystery: what happened between Miki, Suzu and Lou? Directly after that, we jump back to the past and find out precisely what happened. We see their fight.

• Not long after, we see Takumi ignoring Suzu and Lou as they pass through the male dorms. Yet again, we're given a mystery: what happened between Takumi, Suzu, and Lou? Once more, we are immediately brought back to the past to see the fight between them which shook their relationship.

I could go on and on with pointing out and explaining each of these mysteries and the clever ways that they are presented, but I think you get the point. There are so many mysteries here, and by having the story jump between the future and the past, the mysteries can be revealed at a steady pace and not risk spoiling the answers too quickly.

Eventually, when all the mysteries have been revealed to us, the two timelines meet up and the story progresses linearly from there. This is a great compromise between the two styles of writing. After we know all of the answers to the puzzle, we don't need to hop back and forth between future and past anymore. Instead, Feurox can focus on tying everything together to deliver a knockout ending in the future... But I'm gonna save that ending for a little later...

Yes, as Crafty said as well, the timeline gets a bit confusing. (Perhaps I failed a bit, because I wanted the two arrivals - Lou arriving and then Suzu arriving - as the point of convergence. I felt it was a thematic way to link the past and the present, but I think Crafty also was right to say by then we're just muddling through.) In some ways, I wonder whether I was too obnoxious having the conflicts play back to back like that, with Suzu and Lou's highs being way too high, and the drama being a bit.. meaningless? Still, I'm very glad you like the set-up.
——————————

In the meantime, let's take a step back.

One of the biggest twists of the story is that Lou isn't actually dead... He merely suffered a second stroke—one that we find out has severely altered his personality... So, it turned out that my initial conjecture was incorrect, and soon enough, the dramatic question of this story changes again.

As the realization dawns slowly, painfully on the reader that Lou's increasingly toxic behavior is the "how?" that separates the two lovers, the dramatic question that gave the story its tension begins to fade. The reader doesn't need to ask "how?" anymore, so you'd think that the tension in the story goes down, right?

Wrong. Dead wrong. Feurox knew that he needed to keep up the tension in the story, so he did something rather clever... Right as Lou is returning to Yamaku from the hospital in the past, Mr. Lamperogue pulls Suzu aside and tells her that Lou may not have fully recovered, and that if anything seems wrong or goes wrong between the two of them, that Suzu should call him to let him know. And with that, the tension is back in full swing...

After the conversation with Mr. Lamperogue, the dramatic question of the story begins to morph from "how?" to "when?" More specifically, "when is Suzu going to make the call to Lou's father." With the change in the dramatic question, there is still tension felt by the reader even after they know the "how?"

Ever wonder why Feurox decided to have Mr. Lamperogue and Suzu have this discussion at this particular moment? It's because this scene is when "how?" starts to fade, so he makes sure that the "when?" is introduced at just when that happens to make sure there is no gap in tension.

It's brilliant stuff, y'all...

I'm flattered you like this, and I also didn't even realise I was doing this! Ha! However, yes, to link back to what I said earlier, I don't intend my stories to be surprises, not really. You should know what's going on early, and you should be compelled to read because you want to see how badly things fall apart, and hopefully, it affects you because it has done in some way in your own life. The feelings I try to evoke are closer to empathy than pity.

"Then he raises his voice. “Our child requires sustenance immediately; shall we prepare the toad and worm stew for her?” He takes a sidelong glance towards me, to see if I’m laughing, I think. I try to give him a smile, but I don’t know how to anymore.

Very relatable bit. I'm not a father, but I've had exchanges similar to the one above play out with my younger sister. I'd always try and make silly little jokes to make her laugh. Sometimes she'd laugh, but sometimes she'd groan and wonder to herself why she got stuck with such a weird brother like myself.

——————————

“I’m hungry.” I finally say.

Suzu says this multiple times as a deflection technique. It's quite a childish thing to do—seeing as how I pulled similar tricks in my youth—which perfectly shows how Suzu is... reverting (for lack of a better term) back to a state of childlike vulnerability and dependence. After all, she literally returned to her parents' house. Very subtle, Feurox...

——————————

We waltz in the moonlight, two lights in a million, a sea of firefly stars around us and above.

You deserve a medal for this line.

——————————

We twirl away, two in a million lights beneath a chandelier moon.

Oh, come on... You're gonna use that phrase again? That's too clever, man...

——————————

It’s a ballroom…

Oh, you clever son of gun...

——————————

"It’s not very late, but the sun has started to set and the amber evening makes everything look like we’re driving into heaven or something."

I know this is a small detail, not terribly important to the rest of the story, but I like how you put the "or something" at the end of this sentence. It reminded me of NuclearStudent talking about how adding "or something" to the end of a sentence makes the character seem less sure of themselves or less caring of what they're saying. This perfectly describes Suzu in this situation.

That's right, Nuke. I take your wisdom into consideration when writing these analyses. I think that you're a pretty clever fellow.

I did it first, Nuke.

Anyway I'm glad you like all those lines! Though I don't see why you like some of them, especially the ballroom line!
——————————

I had a cataplexy attack a few days ago. As always, Lou was there. He stayed with me until things calmed down.

This is a nice line particularly because of where it was placed in the story—after Lou had his second stroke. It goes to show that even after how toxic their relationship has gotten, a bit of the old Lou is still in there, giving Suzu that little bit of hope that she's desperately clinging to.

Again, I'm very glad you like this one. I worried that Lou's shift was too.... dramatic?
——————————

Sometimes he’d carry me to class, or to the nurse’s office. Now, with how distant he feels, and how on edge he seems, I just want to carry him in return, but I guess I’m not that strong.

Great line. Not much more to say about it. It's just great.

Yeah, I liked that one too .
——————————

Symbolism: Light

—————————

Symbolism: Hand Holding


—————————

Symbolism: Dancing

—————————

Well, the first one sort of surprised me. I didn't really mean to give it such a significance. (Although, the idea that light dies was significant. The fireflies banging their heads against the inside of a mason jar certainly tried to show as much.) And yeah, hand holding was very intentional I'm glad you picked up on it! Though I'm a bit disappointed that not many people picked up just how... uncomfortable... their sex scene was. I wanted that to be really jarring, and uncomfortable. Yes, Dancing was meant to show a type of synchronisation.

Alright, we've made it to the ending... Where do I begin...

When I started reading this story, and after I reached the end of the first segment, I was almost certain that this would be a story about learning to cope with the grief of death. The tragedy of losing a loved one—especially at a young age—to death is perhaps the most emotionally charged forms of tragedy in all of literature. Despite its emotional resonance, this type of tragedy can become quite predictable...

Instead, Feurox gives us a twist that Lou has suffered a fate that is perhaps worse than death. Not only does Suzu go through the grief of losing the boy she loved, but she goes through the astronomical guilt of not being able to remain by the side of the new boy who inhabits the body of her previous lover. Of course she would feel guilty breaking up with him—it'd feel like she was abandoning him—but after everything Lou did, everything he put his friends through, everything he put Suzu through, climaxing in the gut-wrenching scene in Lou's bedroom, I think I was just hoping that she would let go. I didn't want Suzu to suffer any longer—both of them needed a clean slate. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to realize that something is horribly, horribly wrong.

Fortunately and unfortunately, gratefully and regretfully, Suzu breaks up with Lou. Despite how depressed she feels and how empty her heart will be for many days and weeks to come, she is reminded that she always has her friends to support her. How beautiful...

I was perfectly content for the story to end right there, but this is Feurox we're talking about, we gotta throw in some feels.

It was this line:

“Cy – can I,” he sniffles, but reaches his hand out to me. “Cayn, I – I Hayve one la- last, one laysht dance.”

It was this line that did it to me. I teared up—making this story one of two on these forums to do so. The only other story to get such a response out of me being Dewelar's Developments.

Returning to the light symbolism from before, during this ending while the two are dancing, the lights of the town are coming on behind them. For just a moment, Suzu, Lou, and the reader are tempted into thinking that maybe the light is returning for our two lovers—maybe there is hope.

But it's too late... Suzu steps back from Lou, rejecting his advance. Lou's face is "shrouded in the dark." The light is gone.

It's over.

It's very touching to have the ending held in such high regard. And the association with Developments certainly does me credit too, I'm very grateful! I definitely felt that for me, the line that left me feeling really uncomfortable, was 'This isn't that kind of story'. I had a lot of fun doing that!
————————

Reflection:

After reviewing Feurox's other story, A Chiasmus Through the Night, he reached out to me and recommended Time is Dancing to me. He called it the work that he was most proud of. I can certainly see why—I hope he feels proud of this. This is a magnificent story executed with grace and skill. Very few writers can illicit such emotion from their works—much less when its a one-off that doesn't have three previous acts or twenty-three television episodes to bounce off of.

I realize that much of this analysis was technical rather than emotional, but I can't help myself—this story is too technically rich for someone like me to ignore. It's rare to see a story on these forms with such an effective use of symbolism—it's certainly something that I will be taking note of for the future. In addition, I personally appreciate the "mystery" structure that Feurox included into this story. You could say I'm a real sucker for mysteries, and this story has that in spades.

I don't cry while reading literature very often. The only KS route that I truly cried for was Lilly's route. The only KS fan-fiction that I've welled up at was Developments, so when I say that I welled up while reading this story, I hope that it's clear that this story packs emotion, and that Feurox did his job fantastically.

Thank you for writing this, Feurox.

Take care, everyone!

I can't really thank you enough for such a wonderfully insightful look into my writing. I hardly deserve any of the praise you give me for it (this must be how Bry and Mirage feel when I do it to them! Not Crafty though, he likes it ) Really, I can only take credit for some of this. To quote a line from some criticism of King Lear I read recently, 'maybe what we're looking for is really there, in some potential form.' A lot of what you credit me for is actually only successful BECAUSE of your criticism. You have that Walter Pater style of criticism, tailored to the experience of the reader, and (despite what some recent public discussion topics might say), the experience is significant. Criticism, academic and personal, is useful even if it describes how we interact with a piece of writing, or else, what's the point? It can all be reduced to the experience, in the end.

I'm supremely grateful for this insight not only into my own work, but it into your mind too. It's a wonderful odyssey this criticism takes us on. Thank you.

[Feurox]

A Glimmer and It’s Gone



It had been an unusually warm winter when, by pure coincidence, I discovered a quiet and charming little store called ‘Othello’s Antiques’.


The squirrelly looking man behind the counter looked nothing like Othello. I would come to learn his name was Ryuki Domen, though I only ever called him by his last name of course. He was a strong silent type, and I liked to attribute to him an imaginary love for games like chess or dominoes, though he never actually mentioned an interest in either of those things. Perhaps I merely ascribed to him typical ‘old man’ qualities, as other than what was a well-kept but nonetheless majestic beard, he was very unassuming.


The store itself was a bit of a hidden gem for students such as myself, venturing from my school, Yamaku, a school for the physically disabled nestled in the hills just outside of the city. Not only did the topic of Mr Domen himself intrigue me, but his catalogue of antiques ranged from at least mildly interesting to downright fascinating. I was drawn in at first by an old map of the region, but the various little treasures dotting the shelf are what kept me coming back whenever I made it this far into the city.


On my second visit to Othello’s, Mr Domen greeted me with a nod of familiarity. It was peculiar, given that on my previous trip two weeks prior, he had scarcely lifted an eye in my direction, even when I approached the counter, map in hand. He had simply given me one quick scan, said the price, and without any negotiation on my end, I was out back into the city streets. And yet this time his nod was convincingly conversant, as though I had been in his store every day since. The man remembered me fondly.


I suppose for any outside of Yamaku, I would be quite memorable. I walk with a cane and have done since I was very young on the account of my cerebral palsy. How many young people do you see walking with a cane? My friends would often joke that I had an old soul, as if the cane was a personification of my already elderly spirit. I had an equally funny joke where I would hit them with it.


It was on the hunt for a birthday gift for one such annoying friend that I found myself back in Mr Domen’s little cove of treasures, and where I discovered a fascination that would unknowingly open ancient wounds for us both.


You see, I have this terrible trait of inquisitiveness. No, inquisitiveness is probably the wrong word. Angry curiosity or annoying prying is probably more accurate. I’m like a dog following my nose around the garden this way and that way, digging up a bone, chewing it to death, and then digging up another until the garden is full of holes. Still, this quality of mine has brought me a few good times for the multitude of bad ones. It was curiosity, after all that brought me to Takumi. Then it was my unwillingness to let things go that drove her away.


I was lamenting my curiosity and how it had forsaken me in the aisle of Othello’s when Mr Domen came out from behind the counter to approach me.


“I’m afraid to say that I no longer have any of those maps you were keen on last time.” His voice was a bit gruffer than I expected, but I didn’t get the sense that he was ridiculing me or anything.


Truth be told the lack of maps was a bit of a blow. I had planned to get another map like my one for my friend’s birthday, as he had already commented several times on mine. Still, Othello’s housed many potential gifts, so I tried to hide my disappointment with a smile.


“That’s not a problem, I’m sure I can find something equally promising.” I replied with a chipper tone. Mr Domen nodded.


“Is it for a gift?” He asked, and I could already see the gears beginning to turn in his head to assemble a suggestion.


“Indeed, a friend’s birthday.”


Mr Domen and I wandered the store searching for a suitable gift, exchanging relevant talk about my friend and his tastes. Somewhere in this wandering we exchanged introductions, and I got the sense that few people would frequent his store but that those who did received this sort of colloquial and personal touch from him. We finally settled on a delicate and beautiful pirate ship model that set me back a fair bit. I didn’t mind. It felt like I was paying for the service as well as the gift. As I was leaving the store, I caught sight of a framed photograph behind the counter.


The photo featured a young girl, dressed as a Christmas elf, alongside what was clearly Mr Domen in a Father Christmas costume. It was clearly several years ago, I could see that the years hadn’t been kind to Mr Domen, and that the beaming smile he wore in the photo was a rare occurrence now. The girl was what really fascinated me, as she was leaning on a cane in the photograph, though she was clearly attempting to disguise it behind Mr Domen.


I felt as though Mr Domen and I had established a bit of a repour, and so I asked if the girl was his daughter, perhaps a bit ruder than I had hoped for it to come out. All at once, Mr Domen stiffened up. I had unknowingly struck a nerve.


“She was a customer, and a friend.” He replied coldly, and I knew then that I would draw no blood from this stone today, and so I gave him my thanks and exited into the warm winter taking over the city.


The gentle hum of the bus threatened to put me to sleep on my return to Yamaku. Still, I was wired awake by the photograph and Mr Domen’s sudden withdraw. The girl was important, that much was clear, but the cane she had failed to hide in the photo gnawed at me. She looked to be about my age, at least when the photo was taken. Was she a student at Yamaku? And wouldn’t the age gap between Mr Domen and the girl make a friendship unlikely, bordering creepy? There was something perplexing about Othello’s irrespective of the photo, and I knew I would be returning soon as the bus slowly puttered out from the city lights into the dark country sky.


***

Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.

Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

***


I was reeling from a rather uncomfortable conversation with Takumi when I found myself once again in the city.


You see, Takumi and I were, from one perspective, destined to fail. We could hardly move without stepping on one-another’s toes, figuratively speaking of course as Takumi’s condition, Huntington’s Disease, in conjunction with my own condition meant we didn’t often go for long walks.


We often butted heads, particularly over Takumi’s pessimistic attitude, that she swore was actually optimistic. Her Huntington’s was still in its early stages, but she had opted to withdraw from intensive medical treatment. It was her decision of course, but despite my inquisitive brain, I just couldn’t understand her. Why would someone give up a chance to prolong their life? I had stressed the importance of fighting to her, when, in the heat of the moment, I had accused her of cowardice.


“It’s about living,” she said, her eyes blinking away tears. “I’m choosing life.”


“You’re choosing death,” I replied, before shutting her dormitory room door with an unnecessary thud.


This was hardly our first fight, but it was easily our worst. Arguing with Takumi, or any loved one for that matter, is like juggling spears in the air. Eventually, they all come crashing down and you’re impaled by your own words.


I’m not sure what possessed me to visit Othello’s again. My Christmas shopping had been nearly completed, and aside from a few last-minute gifts for my family, I had no business in the city. It’s not like I find cities particularly calming or anything, but I did, at least, find Othello’s a bit soothing. There was a coffee shop just short of the store where I stopped and took in the life all around me. I saw Takumi everywhere around me, the passing people and the billboard adverts all seemed to morph into her tearful face. I couldn’t help but cry, but no-one seemed to pay me any mind. Just as the sky was darkening, I took off from the café and passed the stores between it and Othello’s.


Christmas lights were just beginning to twinkle to life, and their light flittered through the windows to dance on the pavement. A small bar was open on the other side of the road, and already some businessmen, presumably finished for the day, were sharing their drunk merriment with a terribly performed rendition of an English Christmas carol.


Othello’s was devoid of Christmas decorations, and like every other time I had visited, there were no customers. The small chime of the bell and scent of a pine candle were the only signs of life within the store, as even Mr Domen was nowhere to be seen. I let my hands and eyes wander over the shelves with absent-minded curiosity. Nothing in particular was jumping out to me, but I found myself again at the counter where the photo stared back at me.


From within the frame, the girl was beckoning me closer. It was my imagination, of course, a product of my saddened brain. Still, I felt as if the girl from the photo was compelling me to investigate further, to pry the story from the frame. At the bottom, I saw an inscription for the first time.

“A glimmer and it’s gone – Saki Enomoto.”

It was nonsensical to me, and closer inspection didn’t reveal any other hidden communiques in the photograph. Saki Enomoto was obviously the girl, I mean, the process of elimination made that clear given I already knew Mr Domen’s name. It was also a pretty name that wouldn’t suit a bearded man like Mr Domen. It was at this moment that Mr Domen revealed himself from what I presumed was the storage closet.


He saw me looking at the photograph, and I can only presume he could tell I had been crying, because he didn’t greet me angrily or with frustration. Instead, he let out a deep sigh.


“Your uniform is Yamaku Academy, yes?” He asked in a quiet, calm tone.


I nodded.


He came and stood beside me, looking up at the photograph with his lips pursed in thought. With gentle hands, he plucked the photograph from the wall and held it in his hands with a fond but pained smile.


“She was an alumnus of your school,” he acknowledged after a moment of quiet contemplation. “Saki Enomoto, this was about six years ago.” He gently rubbed his thumb along the frame of the photograph.


Mr Domen went on to explain how he had recognised my school uniform when I first entered the store, despite some changes to it. How he noticed my cane, but after meeting Saki, had become less prone to staring or reacting publicly to visible disabilities. She had helped him climatise, he said. I didn’t really like his terminology. He asked me if I was okay, and I told him the truth.


Wordlessly, he began to shut up shop. It was a short process, as all he had to do was flip the sign on the door around to say ‘CLOSED’. I suspected that even with the door saying open, few if any customers would enter. He opened the cash register and stowed the drawer which contained a few bills in the back where he had emerged from. Motioning for me to join him, we turned off the lights in the store, locked the front door, and headed back in the direction of the café. Under one arm he held the photograph, and under the other a small umbrella that would protect him if the clouds opened up overhead as they were beginning to threaten.


We were already seated and drinking by the time we spoke properly again. I had a juice, as I felt any surplus caffeine would make me anxious, and Mr Domen had a mug of tea that he swirled round and round between his fingers.


“I have a story for you.” He finally said, as the first drops of rain fell down on us.

***

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Pablo Neruda

***


Ms Enomoto was an intriguing sort of girl. She was like you, in a few ways. Curious about old things, old people. She was fascinated by everyday life as though she was an academic on the subject, and her questions about the past bordered on the relentless. She would meander through the store, touching everything, scaring off my usual customers by asking them prying questions, about them and what drew them to the store. In all respects, she was a terrible employee, but I felt a kinship with her from the moment she stumbled into the store a year prior, seeking shelter from a terrible rainstorm, and I hired her on the spot.


She never got too specific about her condition, just that it was of the terminal variety, and that as a result her actual academic life was relatively unimportant to her. I tried to convince her to take her studies more seriously, but she was convinced that she could learn what she needed from experience in the store and in the city. She would arrive for a shift, late, and in her school uniform, but I didn’t really mind because she brightened up the place and customers eventually became familiar with her, even with her incessant questioning.


After an unusually busy day in late October, Saki, she insisted we dropped the formalities because it was ‘wasted time she didn’t have’, had an idea that I didn’t have the heart to refuse.


“We have a duty to the community,” she insisted with a cunning smile and pleading eyes. In her left hand she had plucked a Santa hat from one of the boxes in the storage closet.


“We have no such duty, besides, Christmas isn’t such a big holiday here,” I protested in vain.


“And isn’t that so devastating sad? Wouldn’t you like to fill the winter with a little warmth?” She could read the scepticism on my face and changed her attack. “Besides, I need us to do it, to add to my catalogue of experiences.”


How could I argue with a dying girl? Especially one like Saki, who could flutter her eyes and make anyone weak at the knees. One of her most brilliant qualities is how she would invoke her condition, not for the sake of herself, but in order to persuade others to be better. She told me once that it was her duty to spread a bit of joy, even if it had to be forcefully.


Sure enough, the plans were set in motion. I phoned the event coordinator of the local mall, who was a bit perplexed by my request but nonetheless allowed us to set up a small booth in the main thoroughfare of the shopping centre free of charge. Saki and I got to work collecting presents from the community, and other Yamaku students even got involved in order to help set everything up. A school newspaper article by a girl named Natsume Ooe about our little idea even made it in the local paper. ‘Christmas Spirit Bolstered by Othello’s’, I think it was titled. The whole thing made for some good publicity for the store, not that that was an ulterior motive. Oh, but people quickly forget and move on. C’est le guerre.


Where was I? Oh, that’s right.


By the time December came around we were prepared for our little event. We were in position at the stall, and Saki was giggling relentlessly at the rather ill-fitting Santa Claus costume we had put together in the month prior. I had to wear one of those fake belly things to give the outfit some weight, and it was terribly uncomfortable.


Throngs of people passed us with confused glances. It was clear that, despite the relative excitement that had generated in the lead up, people were still confused as to what the Santa stall was actually about. Yet, despite a relatively slow start, families began approaching us, taking photos with me, and receiving a present from Saki.


I’ll confess, my heart wasn’t really into it at first. I’m not much of a family man, and Saki was the closest I had ever come to having children of my own. I tried to be jolly, and even forged for myself a deep, Christmassy laugh that bellowed. Still, I was struggling to get into the spirit of the thing until Saki muttered something about ‘getting the magic back’ and slipped away from the stall.


She was gone for about thirty minutes, during which a handful of children came to visit the stall and I tried my best to channel Santa Claus.


When she rounded the corner, dressed in that ridiculous elf costume she’s wearing in that photo, I nearly cackled myself to death. At least her costume fit properly, though she would never reveal to me where exactly she bought it. Maybe she had fashioned it herself, but I’d seen the result of her other arts and crafts projects, and they were not exactly professional.


After that, the stall became extremely crowded. We ran out of presents to give within a few hours, and if it wasn’t for a customer of mine who happened to be passing and volunteered to buy a few boxes of chocolates to hand out, we would have had to wrap up early. As the evening came in, a journalist approached the table wanting to write about Othello’s but more importantly about Saki Enomoto. ‘The girl who saved Christmas’ they called her jokingly.


Saki was hesitant at first, but I urged her to speak to them. With only a minor protest, she agreed, and sat down with the journalist just beside the table. The crowds had mostly dispersed, and so I suggested that I get a few celebratory hot chocolates.


When I returned the interview was winding down, and lights were beginning to dim in the shop fronts along either side of the mall. I didn’t mean to pry, but I overheard a snippet of their conversation, when Saki rather proudly stated.


“All we can do is spread a little joy while we’re here. Nothing more, nothing less. A glimmer, and we’re gone.”


Her phrasing stuck with me. It was so definitively Saki. Even the journalist seemed a bit taken aback by her positive affirmation, and even without knowing the severity of her condition, the journalist could tell that Saki was resolved to impart a bit of kindness every chance she could before her death.


He asked us to pose for a photograph, and he was happy to send me the copies, which I of course framed. For a while, Othello’s was abuzz with activity. People would visit just to spend time talking with Saki, and even if few people bought things from the store, it was nice to see the shopfront so lively.


The Santa stall became a bit of a yearly tradition for Saki and me. Even when her friends were moving away to university, she insisted on staying, helping me run Othello’s and organising our yearly Christmas stall. I think her family put her up in the city, and she would sometimes phone up to say she couldn’t work because she was on a date with some young lad, she met during her final year at Yamaku. Again, I didn’t mind, she had become family to me, and she made up for every shift she missed with aplomb.


Well, everything is a loan in this world, and our new yearly tradition eventually became too taxing for Saki. On her last time manning the stall with me, her legs buckled, and she collapsed before a crowd of young children, who, mortified to see an elf collapse, screamed, and cried. Saki tried to play it off with a comical remark, but the damage had been done.


It broke her heart when I insisted that she take a break from Othello’s, but she understood. I can only assume that her boyfriend and family had also been encouraging her to take things easy, and to spend the last of her time with them. Before she left the store for the final time, I asked her to inscribe our photograph with a message. She happily obliged, but she let the pen linger over the photograph.


I visited her a lot after that, bringing her stories, and the occasional trinket from Othello’s. She adored the stories of the customers but without Saki the regulars started to vanish. I was fine financially, but the loss of customers hurt, and Saki was quick to realise that something within me was changing. On my last visit, this time to a small hospice outside of the city, she asked her family to give us a moment and spoke to me in her usual sing-song voice.


“Stories of kindness,” she said to me, squeezing my hand tight within the ward of a hospice. “That’s all that really matters, stories of kindness to take with you.”


I placed my other hand on top of hers and promised to carry her with me.


“A glimmer and I’m gone,” she laughed quietly.


“A glimmer of gold is enough,” I replied.


I confess that Saki’s passing affected me deeply. I was just one of many unremarkables that wound up in her orbit and was enriched as a result. The drive back to the city was a contemplative and quiet one. I continued the tradition we established until a few years ago, when a small family business within the shopping mall asked if they could continue in my stead. The truth is that without Saki, I’d lost my love for it anyway. Besides, I’m getting old now. Being Santa is a young man’s game, figuratively speaking of course.

I can see you’re getting antsy now; maybe this is a boring story, or maybe I’m not a very captivating storyteller. You seem like a nice kid, so I’ll leave you with a bit of Saki’s wisdom.

Don’t go looking for answers in everything, but don’t ever stop collecting stories either. In this grand and complicated life we’re only tourists. Fill your suitcase, because its only around for a glimmer, and then it’s gone.


***


Mr Domen sighed and sat back in his chair. The rain was pelting the canopy above us, and people were darting around us trying to save things from the storm. A planter filled with white rhododendrons filled with water and began to veer dangerously to the left.


It was a lot to take in from a relative stranger. My curiosity had certainly be sated, but I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. Mr Domen, for his part, seemed lightened and unburdened. I wondered whether he had told anyone but me the story of Saki Enomoto, and I wondered if the Saki from his story would have wanted him to share it.


We stayed in the café until the rain eased off, but it was clear that neither of us had much more to contribute to the conversation. I tried to pay for my juice, but Mr Domen was kind enough to cover the bill. He lent me his umbrella and asked if I would come back to Othello’s to return it someday. I vowed that I would be back soon, and excused myself.


I didn’t know what to make of Mr Domen’s story. It was profoundly sad, but feeling despair or sadness from it seemed to dramatically miss the point. I tried, in vain to shake the feel of unease and ennui that settled on me as I stood waiting for the bus to pick me up. I found myself the victim of a gripping isolation, and I felt myself nearly come to tears again as the rain continued to lazily fall onto Mr Domen’s umbrella.


When the bus eventually arrived, I was soaked through. The umbrella had done very little and was more like a summer parasol than an actual waterproof. The chill from the cold sunk into my bones, and I could feel my fingers going a little numb. Thankfully, the bus driver didn’t ask for my pass, and ushered me straight into the warm seats.


We took off immediately, leaving the city lights behind as the bus throbbed. Every light must have been green, because the journey home was far quicker than it usually felt, and aside from one other passenger who got off before me, the bus didn’t stop.


Yamaku was as quiet as it always was. There were some hastily thrown together Christmas decorations, and someone who I presume worked for the school had draped some tinsel over the gate. I walked past that godawful mural by the boys dormitories and stopped for a moment to observe it, despite the cold. Apparently, it was painted by a student with no arms, but that was years ago, and by now parts of the mural had become dull and colourless. I felt another rush of profound sadness as I noticed a small graffiti in the corner, and I made a mental note to come back tomorrow with a brush and some soap.


Something compelled me to pass the boys dormitories, and moving automatically, I crossed the courtyard to the girls’ dorms.


Some bitchy first years were watching Christmas movies in the common room, and one of them shot me a scowl as I passed them. In fairness, I was still dripping wet, and I looked quite miserable.


Up two flights of stairs and down the corridor, I knocked on Takumi’s door.


Takumi opened the door. She had clearly just showered but before she could say anything I took her into my arms. Her back was warm, and thought for a moment she might protest, she nestled into my collar and squeezed me, practically wringing me dry. All I could think about was the inscription, and Mr Domen’s curious retort.


‘A glimmer is enough.’


I held Takumi and didn’t let go.

[Feurox]

With thanks to Prof for organising this wonderful Secret Santa, and with the recipient being Grayest, whose prompt was:

The shopkeeper is secretly Santa clause

I hope you enjoy it and that it does your prompt justice! Merry Christmas my friend!

Love and best wishes from Feurox!

[Asoko_Desu]

Years pass, wisdom gained is handed down - loved this; just the right length, and with a character that we see too little of.

[Feurox]

Years pass, wisdom gained is handed down - loved this; just the right length, and with a character that we see too little of.

Thank you! Glad it went down well. Hope you don't mind, but I stole that little summary for a description of the story!

[Asoko_Desu]

I stole that little summary for a description of the story!

Please have it with my gratitude.

--

[Feurox]

A Matter of Memory

This was a story written by Sharp-O and posted by me as a test to see if we could emulate one another's styles. Thanks for doing this with me man!

Here's his story, please check it out! viewtopic.php?p=249402#p249402

[hdkv]

And now I'm genuinely sad.

Given that Hisao and Hanako never lost touch, and Hanako had connection with Misaki parents, how it took six damn years for Hanako to deliver the news about Misaki's amnesia?

Given their relationship, do Hanako secretly hope that Hisao will fall for her?

Do Hisao really need to meet Misaki again and open old wounds?

So many questions, so little answers...

Thank you, Feurox, I liked that story! I need a drink...

[StealthyWolf]

First of all, this was definitely an interesting take on Hanako and Hisao's development and friendship. Though I'm slightly confused by the wording in the very start...

The idea seemed almost appealing when I first caught sight of my ex-girlfriend ten minutes ago but when I realised this was my classmate’s idea

I'm 90% sure Hisao's referring to Misaki as his ex (especially since he then immediately refers to Hanako as his "classmate"), but there's that small 10% part of me that thought this was referring to Hanako that I can't shake - which has interesting implications and such for their history, but I went forward under the assumption that his ex (here) is Misaki and Hanako and him just become close friends over their time at Yamaku and beyond.

With that out of the way, this was a nice read! Interesting that two bittersweet new years stories that take place some years after the events of Yamaku and center around a party (of sorts) taking place with the goal of rekindling old friendships/relationships came out at one time... must just mean great minds think alike!

Regarding Hanako: I always liked the idea of her personality expanding beyond that of the stereotypical shy girl because it feels like a natural, fun, and interesting expansion to her character. I mean, who's to say she isn't a deviant, or class act, or suave, or dirty-minded, etc. etc. beyond her trauma and once it is dealt with? I like this version of her and her friendship with Hisao is great. I also like how it's a bit of a twist of fate. Hisao (pre-Yamaku) was seemingly outgoing with his friends and would frequently go out with them to play soccer and go to arcades and such. Around this time Hanako was a complete recluse, barely talking to even just one person. Nowadays it Hisao who is a bit on the quiet side while Hanako is urging him out of his comfort zone - all the while bringing a lot of other people together as well.

Then there's the story of Misaki and Hisao's doomed relationship and the similarities to past situations only become more prevalent. This time it was Hisao's "partner" (if we'd ever go so far as to call Iwanako an ex) who drifted away thanks to the trauma of Hisao's heart attack. It's one thing to say you can handle dealing with something like that, but it's another thing completely to actually see it. Hisao almost died essentially in her arms. That's brutal, and Misaki spiraling into self-blame to the point of her brain blocking off those memories as a defense mechanism is a sad tale. What's more sad though is that now she's living with this hole in who she is, not ever understanding exactly why she's missing parts of her. Then on the other end, Hisao spent six years in the dark. Six years trying to understand where he went wrong, and likely thinking that he can't love someone because all it'll do is hurt them or him. I also have to wonder just how close Hanako is with Misaki by this time and throughout the past six years as well.

Sad story, yes, but even still there's a glimmer of something better just beyond the present. Maybe the manage to help Misaki remember her time at Yamaku, battle and overcome the trauma she endured, and move forward with new old friends. Maybe they start a new friendship, divorced from the past but something worthwhile all the same. Maybe they simply drift away at this point and the only take-away is not letting the past hold them back anymore - namely Hisao. In any-case, despite the darkness all around here I like to imagine this party was a turning point on some level. Thus why I labeled this one as a bittersweet story as well. Great read Fue! I eagerly await the next two stories from you as well!