I close my eyes and let out a deep breath. “I want to, but it’s strange. I love you but the last few times I’ve been back, it just hasn’t felt completely right. Not with you two, but...I don’t know how to explain it.”
“You don’t feel like you can come home because it doesn’t feel like home anymore, right?”
I close my eyes and run my hand over my forehead when I hear this, as if a wound has been opened up.
“It’s okay,” she says, placatingly. “I understand the feeling better than you think. I felt the same way after we got married,” she says, looking to my father. “The first few times I went back home to visit, I didn’t feel like I was home. It was the same house I grew up in. I wanted it to be home, and I felt worse because it didn’t.”
“Mom, I didn’t even have a chance to adjust,” I say, surprised at the bitterness in my voice. “I got one night back home after getting out of the hospital and then the next day we immediately came up here.”
“We thought it was best to get you back into a normal routine…”
“Nothing about that was normal, Mom! I had just spent months in the hospital and I couldn’t even have a weekend to adjust or rest. Do you know how awkward it was to go home for the first time since February and all my stuff was already packed and ready to go up to Yamaku?”
“Son, calm down,” my father says.
I give a deep sigh filled with regret. “I didn’t have a chance to tell my friends what was happening. I wasn’t even able to tell them goodbye before I left. I could have, I don’t know, gone back to the school one last time.”
“You had their numbers. You saw them again this summer, and you said you even made up with them,” my mother counters, concern in her voice.
“I didn’t call them because I thought I would have had at least a few days to get used to being back home and could have said goodbye then! They were planning a party for me when I got back to school, but Mai told me they found out I was gone after I had already left.”
“If this has been bothering you this whole time, why didn’t you say anything to us about it?”
I shake my head. “Would it have done any good?” I ask, barely loud enough to be heard.
A silence settles on all of us for a few moments. I didn’t think the conversation would go this route. I thought that I had come to grips - and subsequently peace - with everything that had happened.
I guess I was wrong.
“We’re sorry.”
I look up at my parents, and see the hurt on their faces. I’m slightly taken aback by this.
“W-what?”
They glance at each other again before my father continues. “We’re sorry. We were doing what we thought was best, but we didn’t know that’s the way you felt about it. You’re right. We should have given you some time back at home before we brought you up to Yamaku.”
I lean back in my chair again thinking back to that weekend, and the conversation we had where I was informed I was going to be coming up to Yamaku. I was angry and bitter about it, but at the time, I don’t think I realized just how much I was. My entire life had been turned upside down to that point, but I didn’t fully realize all the nuances behind that feeling of anger and dread that had been hanging over my head for the last four months. I don’t know if I would have even been able to articulate it. I never quite realized it until I went back in the summer for the first time and reunited with my friends, and even then it never quite crystalised until this conversation.
My parents have never really treated me like a kid, but they’ve never really treated me quite like an adult, either. Maybe living apart from the two of them has given all of us time to restructure our relationship.
Saki’s words play in my head. I haven’t seen them very often this last year, but I know I’ve changed from the person I used to be. If I can admit that to myself and take pride in it, then I have to acknowledge that this is new for them too, and give them the same patience I’ve learned to give myself.
Maybe we all need to spend some time to figure out what the new dynamic is moving forward. They’ll always be my parents, and I’ll always be their son...but I’m not a child anymore.
“Thank you,” I finally manage to say, a weight being lifted off my shoulders. My vision blurs slightly as I blink back a few tears. I didn’t know how purely vindicating it would feel to hear that.
My mother reaches across the table and clasps my hand, trying to change the mood and the subject. “So, what about Saki, then?”
I shake my head slightly to clear it, trying to focus on what we were talking about earlier before that detour.
“I love her, and I just…” I try to answer, bringing a hand up to rub at my temple. “Can I just...I don’t know, say some stuff out loud to see how it sounds?”
My father leans forward a bit, and the two of them nod.
“She did more to help me than anything or anyone else did. She helped me deal with what happened but she never once tried to downplay it or make it seem trivial. She helped me face it head on but was always right behind me to keep pushing me forward or catching me when I fell and...she deserves better,” I say. “She doesn’t deserve to end up like that...to die like that.”
“So you think that if you get married, you’ll be the one who can make medical decisions for her?” he asks.
I nod.
“That’s a lot to take in.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I know. But...with everything going on, waiting a full year might take too long…”
My parents shoot each other a concerned glance. “Have you talked to Saki about this?”
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“What do you think she would say?”
“I…”
I stare off into the middle distance as I fall deep into thought. I know she loves me. We’ve stuck together this year and become closer than I ever thought we could. I know we both want to give a relationship a try after graduation, despite all the challenges that it would present...but that would eventually be the end question, wouldn’t it? Chisato and Mitsuru have already made up their minds about it, but Saki…
Saki’s never sugarcoated her condition or her intentions regarding it, knowing it’s pushed other people away, and worse - and that’s what gives me pause.
I would be doing this because I love her and I want to help her, but...is my help something that she wants? Her independence is fiercely important to the core of who she is, and she’s never let the world tell her she couldn’t have something, but...she’d still be giving that up if she said yes.
Do I even have the right to ask that of her? And if I do ask and she says no...where does it leave us?
“...I don’t know,” I finally admit.
They glance at each other again. “Well...when you figure it out, let us know.”
“Does that mean-”
“There’s going to be a very long discussion when we get to that point. I just want to make that clear,” my father clarifies.
I nod one last time.
The gate looks the same as it did the first time I walked through it nearly a year ago. The ornate iron framed by red brick pillars was imposing back then; a symbol in a chain of events that showed me how much my life had changed and would continue to do so.
I feel slightly nostalgic now as I walk through them again, realizing I’m only going to do so a handful of remaining times. With the recital tonight and graduation tomorrow, I might be spending another few days here...but that’s going to heavily depend on what Saki’s plans are.
The spring air is brisk and sharp as I draw it into my lungs. The temperature is pleasant, with only a few clouds scattering their way across the sky. I see a few students and faculty walking through the grounds as I do the same, idly making my way along the paths that split up the manicured lawns.
Checking my watch, I see there’s just under an hour or so before Chisato and Saki are supposed to meet up with their music teacher. I haven’t heard from Saki yet, so she must still be with her family. She said she’d probably be a little late in getting back anyway.
I’m not quite sure how to kill the time between now and then. I think about going to finish packing up my room, but there’s not that much left after Saki helped...still though, there’s really nothing else to do.
The courtyard in front of the main building doesn’t take too long to cross, covered in shifting shadows from the trees above. When I get to the top of the stairs next to Rin’s mural, I see a familiar face come out of the entrance to the female dorms and begin speedwalking away.
“Hey Chisato!” I call out, causing her to stop and look around for a second, searching for the source of the voice. Her face brightens when she sees me and picks up her previous pace, but in my direction this time.
“Hisao!” she says, giving me a hug. “You just get back?”
“Yeah, I did. I was going to spend a few minutes trying to do some cleaning. What are you doing right now?”
Chisato pouts. “Cafeteria. We slept in late this morning. I don’t know if I’ll get the chance to eat again until after the recital.”
I cast a glance back towards the dorms, thinking about how I really want to spend the next half hour. “Want some company?”
“I thought you just ate?”
“I could go for a coffee.”
She smiles. “Sure.”
The two of us head back the way I came earlier, through the courtyard and into the main building. We turn the corner into the cafeteria and see that it’s fairly deserted. It’s the strange period of the afternoon where the cooks are working on the evening meal; there’s not much left over from lunch.
Chisato looks at the three wrapped sandwiches that are left and picks one, along with an instant noodle cup. She spends an impatient few minutes in front of the microwave while I go to the vending machine to get two cans for us. I slide one over to her when she finally joins me at the table.
“Thanks,” she says, ripping the paper lid fully off the top of the noodles. A puff of steam rises to meet her face, and she breathes deeply. “Ahhh. Not as good as the city, but not bad.”
“My parents took me to Nagina this morning,” I mention. “I kind of wish it happened later so I could have gone to the stand again instead.”
“Yeah? What did your folks think of the city?”
“I think they liked it. They were going to spend a few more hours down there before they came up for the recital.”
“Really? They’re coming?” she asks excitedly. When I nod, she claps her hands. “That’s great! I really want to meet them!”
“Sure, I’d love to introduce you after the recital,” I answer. My parents and Saki get along well, and there’s no reason to think they wouldn’t do the same with Chisato. I think my mom would instantly like her.
Chisato takes a minute to dig into her food, moving quickly to get a few bites before sipping her coffee. “What did you guys talk about?” she says from behind a napkin.
I hesitate for a moment. “I’m still trying to figure out what my options are after leaving Yamaku. I was going back home for a few weeks at least no matter what, but I don’t know if I’ll end up staying there or moving somewhere else,” I sigh. “I haven’t even figured out what cram school I want to go to.”
She pauses, noodle-laden chopsticks halfway to her mouth. “Where else were you thinking of going?” she asks, resuming with a hungry bite.
“Well, I really was thinking about Tokyo, but…” I say, letting it trail off.
Chisato gives a small cough and swallows when she hears this. “Hisao, what I said about you and Tokyo still stands. I still need a roommate if I don’t want to live in the dorms.”
It’s my turn to be surprised. We haven’t talked about this since right before Christmas, when all three of us had been casually mentioning getting a place together. I know we were all open to the idea, but we never got around to considering it seriously before the end of the year. I had just assumed that it wasn’t happening, because I’m not sure I could have acted differently if the situations were reversed.
“I, uh, kind of thought that wasn’t an option after what happened…”
She sighs heavily. “Yeah, well, considering we graduate tomorrow morning, I can’t put this off any longer,” she says, giving me a weak grin that’s more relatable than it should be. I’ve felt that same sentiment about a lot of things leading up to this week.
“What about Saki?” I ask, saying the thing that’s on both our minds.
(continued...)
