(So, for a quick backstory on the conception of this story...
It honestly started as a joke idea, a one shot that I intended to write in order to explore a very unlikely scenario. However, the writer in me realized that I can't satisfactorily write this as a one shot, so I decided to split it into two chapters...and then three. Eventually it morphed into something I honestly didn't expect, and I've been committing my time and dedication to this story for the better part of a year, writing this concurrently with The Long Road, my other major writing project.
Right now, it's just as long as the aforementioned project, if not slightly longer. This is a writing project I'm proud of, that I'm glad at the fact that it has changed so wildly from my initial idea, and that the private feedback I've received has been mostly positive. My hesitation to uploading this project to a more public platform boiled down to several factors: the fact that it needed to be beta-read and refined, the concept of the story itself, fear of its reception, and admittedly a large bout of laziness.
Even now, I know this project will be far more contentious than The Long Road, in both its inception and execution. But I still feel like this is a story worth sharing, and I'm sure a lot of people with "out-there ideas" feel the same. Regardless of how you view it, I'm happy that people will take the time to just read these ideas taking on a life of their own
Credit to Lap for Proofreading, and Oddball for coming up with the title.)
Act 1: Stop and Go
Chapter 1
BEEP!! BEEP!! BEEP!!
The annoying whine of my alarm clock makes me sit up on the bed, groaning all the while. I immediately slam my fist on the off button to shut it up. As helpful as that thing is in making sure I’m awake on time, I refuse to grant it any mercy for dragging me out of my sleep kicking and screaming.
Another day, which first means another round of medication to take.
I go through the process, taking my pills and applying the rest of the medications one by one. It is a routine that I’ve been forced to take for a better part of a year, though that makes it no less tedious.
After that’s done, I check all the other things to do off my morning routine. I eat breakfast, which today consists of the leftovers from last night’s dinner and some juice from the fridge. I change from my sleeping clothes to much more presentable long pants and a collared shirt, and I brush my teeth and wash my face.
Finally, I pack all my notes and textbooks into my bag, which I sling over my shoulder. I open the door and immediately grimace at the thought of breathing the air here, which smells faintly of smoke from the neighbouring apartments. Looking back, I can see my apartment room in its entirety.
It’s a small area consisting of the main room that doubles as a bedroom, and the bathroom, with a fridge and a kettle in the corner beside the faucet—the closest thing to a kitchen I have. The walls are dull yellow, and the window leads to a balcony that I can barely fit onto. Sometimes, when it rains heavily, the left corner of the ceiling will leak drops of water.
It is uncomfortable, a little sad, and disappointing. But it is my home, for better or worse.
Deciding not to ruminate too much on my depressing residence, I close the door and quietly walk out of my apartment building towards the bus stop. I honestly want to just run the whole way, as if I’m trying to escape my own home, but my defective excuse of a heart would probably kill me for that.
Though these days that idea is less horrifying than it used to be, and the fact that I think that somehow makes it even more horrifying. A paradoxical statement, but true nonetheless.
I arrive at the stop just as the bus arrives. I quickly get in and squeeze myself into the multitude of bodies inside. As always, the bus is more packed than a can of sardines. Some days I would be lucky enough to snag a seat just as someone leaves, but today is not that day, as I endure each and every stop standing.
It isn’t long before the bus approaches my stop, I work my way out of that steel tomb and quickly walk the last stretch of my daily journey. Looking at my watch, I see it’s currently 8:30 a.m., an hour before class begins.
Yeah, I can probably take it slow for a bit. I have time, way too much of it.
Looking around, I can see other people walking down the sidewalk. This isn’t a particularly busy street, but there were still enough people that go through here, either to college or to the large company buildings nearby.
Some people I vaguely recognize from the college, either looking at their phones or walking with their hands in their pockets. I see a couple holding hands as they engage in what I assume is either an interesting conversation or mutual flirtation, as couples often do.
I wonder how long they’ve been together, and whether or not they will stay together. I realize I’m speculating about people I don’t know, but thinking about anything but myself was a good enough reason to.
Eventually the college area comes into view. It is a pretty sight, though the charm has long since worn off for me. Two large dormitory buildings stand opposite each other, and behind them is a building that towers over them, a monstrosity of a structure that takes up nearly half the college area. On the very top of the main building are two large flags waving in the wind, with Japan’s national flag on one, and the college logo on the other.
The walls are pristine, a mix of metallic and concrete surfaces. The sunlight reflecting off them gives them a slightly yellow hue, and at sunset the orange tint on the building is very much a selling point of the campus’s visual image, at least as far as marketing is concerned.
A beautiful campus, to be sure. And I’m sure someone more into architectural aesthetic can truly admire it. As for me, it’s simply something to look at as I enter and exit the compound, mildly impressive but otherwise unremarkable in the grand scheme of things.
No, the true value of the campus is what was inside; its facilities are what draws me to this place. The sterile classrooms feature some of the best educational materials currently on the market, the library takes up an entire floor of the main building, with more than thirty thousand books, and finally the research labs where students can do independent experiments, so long as they don’t blow something up.
Those things are some of the reasons that I chose this college to further my physics studies, and I currently have no reason to regret that choice.
I head through the gate, the security guard giving me an acknowledging nod as I pass, and walk up the steps towards the main building. No other student greets me on my way, and I do not greet them in return. Some of them had their own cliques, while most didn’t know me.
And some, I suspect, are like me. Wanting nothing to do with anyone or anything else but themselves.
I’m the first to enter classroom, as usual. The lecturer, Mr. Tatsunagi, greets me with a casual wave as I take my seat at the back of the class, being accustomed to my early arrivals at this point. Today’s topic is going to be about the effects of extremely low temperatures on atoms, which is a subject that I’m not particularly excited about, but at least it isn’t something that will put me to sleep.
The other students start trailing in soon thereafter, either by themselves or in groups of two to five. They all take their usual seats, with a redheaded girl sitting to my left and a portly guy sitting to my right. I didn’t know their names and don’t care to find out, and judging from our month-long silence towards one another, it goes both ways.
Once the lecture starts, I immediately focus and begin listening attentively to what he says, scribbling down what I think is important on my notepad. I can probably be lax on that, seeing as I’m ahead on both my studies and have solid grades, but it isn’t like there is anything better to do.
I can vaguely hear the slight whispers of conversation below me, and I grit my teeth at the distraction. The three in front of my seat are always chattering during lectures, and given how Mr. Tatsunagi often glares at them when he hands out assignment results, I get the feeling that they aren’t exactly star pupils.
Still, just because they revel in their failure doesn’t mean they should drag me down by distracting me.
“Hey, are we going to the movies tonight or...?” One of them says to the other two. As much as I don’t want to hear them, I can’t completely tune them out.
“Yeah, I’ll bring Takahashi and Saito with us,” one of the other two responds. “It’ll be fun, for sure.”
The three continue on and on as I scribble down my notes. Looking down, I notice that I am also accidentally scribbling down their conversation as well. Damn it! Having no time to erase, I simply try my best to ignore what they are saying, to little avail.
“So, we going for the horror movie or the romantic one?”
“Oh, definitely the horror one. Especially since Takahashi likes to cling to you when she gets scared.”
“Jealous?”
Mercifully, the lecturer starts to notice the three talking and points to them, an angry glare on his face. “Ito, Yukishiro, Arita. Feel free to leave if you think this class is of no importance to you.”
The trio immediate shut up as he resumes his lecture. Though it doesn’t last for long, as they just speak in quieter voices while his back was turned. I’m seriously beginning to wonder if I’m the only one here who seems to care. The other students can either tune them out better than I can, or they simply didn’t care.
After two aggravating hours the class, and my patience, is finally over. The trio immediately stand up and walk out of the class, their loud chattering still audible even from a distance. The rest of the class slowly but surely starts to trickle out as well, leaving me to go over my notes.
Mr. Tatsunagi didn’t leave, and from the corner of my eye I can see that he is walking up to me, a genial smile on his face.
“I see you’re as diligent as ever, Nakai. I wish that you could rub off that diligence onto certain other students,” he says wryly as he walks up to me. “Since I have some time before my next class, is there anything you wish to speak about?”
“No, sir, I think I got most of what you taught in my notes, and I can always search the library on what I missed.”
“Independent, too. Good lad.” He gives me a pat on the shoulder. “I may not express it openly Nakai, but you are one of my favorite students. I have high hopes for how far you can go in this field. Very high hopes indeed.”
“Thank you, sir," I say. It feels nice to have someone acknowledge my hard work. “Is that all you wish to say?”
“Straight to the point, eh?” Tatsunagi lets out a slight chuckle as he pulls something out of his pocket. It was a business card, which he slips onto my desk. “I used to collaborate with a research company that an old friend of mine owns. If you’d like, I could have you recommended for an internship. You might even get some pay.”
I examine the card for details.. The location is maybe a few bus stops away. And it seems like a good opportunity to get some hands-on experience. The pay is irrelevant, mostly because I don’t need to buy things beyond food. The benefits of a frugal lifestyle.
“Gotta tell you though, it can be real tedious. Especially for an intern.” He makes a slight groan. “Those horror stories you hear about working, they’re every bit as real as you think they are. If you take it, prepare to lose a lot of your free time.”
If only he knew that free time is something I have way too much of.
“Thank you, sir. I’ll consider it,” I respond as I gather up my stuff, finally preparing to leave. It isn’t like I wanted to actually consider the option, as the choice seems very clear to me. I just don’t want to seem desperate for something to fill my time. “Just go to the office and mention your name?”
“More or less. Contact me before you decide to go, though, I still need to make the call.” With a final nod, he walks away from me. With nothing else to keep me here, I leave to find myself some lunch.
For as much as I appreciate the college’s facilities, the cafeteria still leaves something to be desired. Across the campus is a cafe that sells a decently cheap set lunch, which is where I head. While I’m not exactly picky when it comes to my choice of eateries, I do maintain a slight preference towards cafes, thanks to my many visits to the Shanghai.
And besides, a college student spending his free time in a cafe feels apt. It is a stereotype, but stereotypes are usually founded on genuine patterns.
Opening the door, the familiar scent of coffee welcomes me. The cafe is a modest place with obvious Western influences. Old Victorian lamps hang on the walls, bathing the place in golden light. On the far end wall is a large painting depicting a group of old soldiers bearing muskets, and all the seats are like those you’d find in an elderly man’s home. Capping it all off are the walls, in stripes of dark blue and bright red, which flakes of gold added in specific places.
Visually, it is very different from the Shanghai, but also pretty in its own way. It also happens to be absolutely full with students, businessmen, and other customers. Shifting my way through the crowd, I take my place in line and order lunch with a side of tea. When my meal arrives on a tray, I take it and look around for a seat.
And then I see something I never thought I’d see again, like a memory that’s playing tricks on my current mind.
She’s sitting at a corner table, the seat across her empty. She looks very much like the last time I saw her. Short blonde hair, a snazzy black suit, and crimson eyes. She takes a sip out of her cup of coffee before noticing me, and judging by the faint look of surprise in her eyes, I can see that she still remembers me.
Akira Satou.
I freeze there for a good few seconds, unsure of what to think. Akira seems to have no problem recovering as she takes a quick look around the busy cafe before motioning over to her table. I slowly move forward, wondering if any of this is actually happening.
If Akira has come back to Japan, does that mean that…
No, no, don’t think about that. Lilly’s gone, and whatever relationship we had is more than over already. I take the seat opposite her, trying not to look awkward as she flashes me a quick smile.
“Hey there, Hisao,” Akira says. “Gotta say, today’s been really surprising, but I think meeting you here takes the cake.”
“Yeah, no kidding,” I respond, trying to sound casual. I don’t know what to say, or even if I should say anything. What do you do when you’re sitting with your ex’s big sister?
“Hey, come on. Try to sound a little more surprised, will you?” She teases with a light chuckle. “I know we didn’t exactly leave as best friends or anything, but a little conversation wouldn’t hurt, would it?”
“I guess.” I take a bite of my rice, uncomfortable with looking her in the eye. “How are things over in Scotland?”
“Oh, same old, same old,” Akira says without hiding her contempt, her smile gone. “For a place that’s supposed to be a completely new set of opportunities, the work environment sure is the same.”
“I see.”
“How are things going with you? You’re in college, right?”
“Yeah, it’s actually the campus across the road. The facilities there are great.”
“Seems like you’re on track to making something of yourself. Always nice to hear.” Akira takes another sip of her coffee and says nothing more, allowing me to eat my meal in relative silence.
As I eat, I get the feeling that she’s waiting for me to ask her about something. I probably have an idea on what she wants me to ask her, but I’m not going to. The past is in the past, and I’m not going to look back on old times.
Maybe she realizes this, because after a while she starts talking. “So...how’s Hanako? You two still in touch?”
“Not really. After we graduated, she and I went to different colleges. Last I heard, she’s making new friends and doing fine, but that was a long time ago.”
I try really hard not to sound bitter, but I could hear it clearly in my voice. It’s been a long time since I had to hide my emotions from anyone, so maybe I’m out of practice. Regardless, what I just said was the truth. Hanako has her own life now, and I have no right to be in it unwanted.
“I see,” Akira says, and gives me a sympathetic look. “I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m here, and it’s strictly business. Company wants to maintain good relations with its overseas branches, and what better person to send than someone who’s worked here half her life.”
“Sounds reasonable,” I agree.
“Yeah, you’d think.” She lets out a frustrated huff, her face twisting into a scowl. “Except now the branch is treating me like some sort of stranger. Intracompany politics are a pain in the ass, let me tell you. Doesn’t matter if you’re technically on the same team or if you worked there, the moment you leave you’re dead to them. And don’t get me started on…”
Akira finally seems to realize what she’s saying before stopping, looking a little abashed. “Sorry. Things just haven’t been easy lately, here or back home. I’m sure you didn’t come here just to listen to me bitch.”
“Well, it’s definitely not why I came here,” I say as I finish my rice and take a sip of my coffee, “But I can leave any time I want to, and yet I’m still here for some reason. Maybe it’s the food.”
“Smart-ass,” she quickly quips back, a slight smile returning to her face. “Things have been too serious. I need a little bit of humor, even if it’s at my expense. So thanks.”
“No problem. Thanks for offering me a seat.” I’m not smiling, but this is probably the closest to cheery I’ve been all day. “How long are you staying here?”
“A week, give or take,” she says, before taking a final swig of her coffee. “Though with how shitty things are, it might be a month for all I know. Which reminds me, I gotta run. It’s been fun seeing you.”
Akira stands up at her chair, though she looks at me for a few seconds. She’s probably waiting for me to say goodbye too, and I probably should.
“Are you coming here tomorrow?”
I don’t know why I ask that. I’d just planned on saying goodbye to her, and yet the question just came out of my mouth. Did I want to see her again? Why would I?
Akira doesn’t seem to react to my question at first, but she eventually gives me a little chuckle and says, “Maybe. Are you coming here tomorrow?”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
“Then maybe I’ll see you tomorrow.” She gives me a final smile before turning and exiting the cafe, leaving me alone again. With nothing to do here, I simply stand up and walk out as well. Afternoon lectures are going to start soon anyways, so I might as well get a head start on that.
Afternoon lectures came and went. The subject wasn’t particularly exciting, and the lecturer isn’t nearly as good as Mr. Tatsunagi when it comes to explaining things. But I still try to focus and take down all the notes I can. I’m almost through with filling another notebook with tips and reminders, and I’ll probably have to buy another one before the week is out.
But now that lectures are over for the day, I’m conflicted on what to do. The library seems like a reasonable option, but I surprisingly don’t have the energy to keep on studying today. A very rare occurrence, given my penchant for studying until I’m unconscious if it was necessary.
So with nothing particularly motivating me, I decide to take a walk in the city. For once, I have no particular direction in mind, simply walking to this street and that one, looking at the shops. It feels very much like when my parents weren’t home during my childhood, and I would simply go out and enjoy the city’s nightlife.
That seems like an eternity ago, back when I didn’t have to think about college, or my heart condition, or even where I was going with my life. If I could go back to those days, I would probably treasure them more than I ever did when I was a child.
I don’t like looking back at the past. It reminds me too much of how many things I’ve lost along the way to the present. But every so often, I can’t stop myself from reminiscing about the events back then, of how things were and how different they could be.
As I cross the street, I happen to wander into a busier part of the city. Performers are singing and dancing on the sidewalk, causing passerbuys to throw money at them in appreciation. Bars and restaurants fill the plaza, with many people in business suits entering them in groups.
I wonder if that’s what awaits me in the future. An entire day of work, and a drink with my co-workers afterwards, with barely any time to myself. There is some talk about how that kind of schedule was utterly miserable, and that it contributes a lot to why Japanese workers didn’t have time for stuff like families.
I personally don’t mind that. That kind of lifestyle just seems like the next natural step to go to after college, just like my parents. It isn’t a life that I find exciting, but it’s a productive one at the very least. Fulfillment is a nice feeling to have; it means you accomplished something with your time.
Though I would probably have to refuse or severely limit any sort of alcohol. My medications seriously limit what I can potentially indulge in, another fact I’ve learnt to live with.
I walk past all the bars and see a cinema. Even before college, I’d never been big on movies. Not that I don’t enjoy the occasional show, but going to see movies was never something I placed a high priority on.
However, as I get closer to the ticket booth I notice three familiar faces lining up for the movies. It’s the trio that sits in front of me, and I can’t help but feel annoyed that I’m bumping into them outside of school. There are two other people with them, and from what I can see they’re talking rather passionately as they wait in line.
I stand still there for longer than I would like to admit. Seeing them happily conversing, playfully jabbing each other, and overall having a good time, brings me a whole slew of emotions. One of them turns his head and sees me, but he doesn’t seem to know who I am and simply returns to talking with his companions.
I quickly walk away from the theater, not wanting to see them anymore. I hate the feeling of frustration that envelops me as I keep my head low, the desire to see the sights long gone. It’s been a long time since I’ve done something like this, and all I have to show for it is nothing but pointless thoughts and disappointing results.
There are many reasons why I like science, but lately one of the reasons is that everything makes sense. Sure, there are things that humanity has not yet grasped, but progress is being made every day. It may not be in my lifetime, especially with how short it might be, but one day we’ll crack the secrets of the universe, and everything involving the world will make sense.
Humanity itself, and especially the emotional side of humanity, is anything but rational. Sometimes emotions make us do stupid things, and sometimes it make us feel things that are the opposite of what the situation actually requires. I dislike feeling things I logically shouldn’t, knowing that it isn’t anyone’s fault, yet feeling the need for someone or something to direct my anger at.
That’s why I’m studying so hard, or at least that’s what I tell myself. Science is where emotions don’t factor into anything; where pure logic dictates any and every action, as it should be.
I realize that I’ve almost walked past the bus stop while lost in my thoughts, and stop and await the bus. It isn’t long before it arrives, and thankfully much emptier than the morning buses.
By the time I return to my apartment building, it’s well and truly night. I walk up the stairs, the smoke filling my nose as I reach my door. Opening it, I turn on the light and see that my apartment is just as I left it. Neat, organized.
Empty.
Only now realizing that I have not eaten dinner today, I open a cabinet and rustle up a bowl of cup noodles and toss it on the table. I then pour some tap water into the kettle and turn it on, waiting for the water to boil.
As I do, I decide to open the curtains that lead to the balcony. Looking out, I can see that the city is completely lit up by lights, with several large buildings towering over the landscape, trying to reach the star-lit sky above.
It’s a pretty sight, and one I should really look at a little more, considering how easy it is. I let out a sigh as I look at the thousands of little red and white lights moving below, like glowing ants.
The sound of the kettle whistling tells me to turn it off, and I do so and pour the boiling water onto the cup. After a few minutes, I finally begin to eat them. The taste of it is good, especially without putting the terrible garnish onto it.
Once I finish, I look at my alarm clock. It’s only eight, and I already have nothing else to do tonight. Letting out a groan, I take the business card out of my pocket. As I think about it, the job really is perfect for me, as I have no social life to get in the way, and no other obligations that could mess up my schedule.
And besides, it’s a head start on the type of life I’ll be living after I graduate. Long hours, overtime, eating all my meals in the workplace just to meet the deadline. More than filling up my time, this job will help me acclimate to the rest of my foreseeable future.
Such an opportunity should not go to waste.
Unable to think of any objections, I promise myself to apply at the earliest opportunity. I spend the rest of my night changing into my sleep clothes, taking my medications, and laying down on the bed. The idea of studying is there, but there’s no desire to act on it.
I don’t know when I finally go to sleep, but eventually I feel my eyes start closing and never opening up again. Sleep is mostly blissful, though with the mildly annoying realization that I have to wake again. My final thoughts before I drift off is, oddly enough, my chance encounter with Akira.
