“He was the perfect gentleman,” Saki giggles, taking another long stroke with her paintbrush.
“So, did you kiss?” I ask, I can’t motivate myself to paint anything still.
Saki giggles, and turns to face me.
“Well a gentleman never tells,” she says sarcastically.
I raise my eyebrow, and she starts laughing.
“Okay, yes. We did.”
Saki is suddenly overcome with giddiness, and has to steady herself against the table. It’s adorable watching her get so flustered. I’m happy for her, really.
“Was it magical?” I tease, and she sticks her tongue out at me.
“Yes actually, it was,” she giggles. “He held my hands and, and, and he told me how much I’d helped him since he arrived and –“
“Yuck!” I intercept her, and turn away. She giggles again behind me, but I don’t actually want to hear the details.
“You should get yourself a boyfriend so we can chat about gross stuff like kissing and sex,” Saki says nonchalantly. It feels a bit like an accusation, but I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that.
“S-sex?” I ask in surprise, though I’m still facing away.
“Well, I mean, I’d like too at some point…” she mutters under her breath. Even quieter, she adds, “before it’s too late.”
I…
I haven’t really thought about sex before. Saki has a totally different condition to me; hers is a mandate expiration I suppose. Something that will get worse and worse until she disappears. I assume she could realistically have sex normally until she begins to lose functionality but… could I?
“I’m… I’m not even sure I c-could have, you know,” I begin to explain, but Saki giggles.
“Sex?” she says, though her voice is still pretty quiet.
“Yeah,” I whisper, “I think it could… kill me.” I shudder. That sounds like a pretty awful way to go.
Saki gives me a sad smile.
“You can’t think that way,” she whispers. “Besides, you can worry about that after you get yourself a boyfriend,” she jokes, trying to lighten the mood.
That seems a bit disingenuous though… right? Like, is it wrong to start seeing someone knowing I might never be able to sleep with them?
I shake the thought from my head. It’s not like I can’t have sex, I don’t think, maybe if I’m super careful about it… uh, not that it’s something I really have to think about. My cheeks feel so hot right now. I don’t even want a boyfriend. I want...
Or, maybe I do, if the feeling in my stomach when Saki talks about Hisao is anything to go by. I suddenly feel really sick. Or rather, I want… I want something.
Saki shrugs, and turns back to her painting. She picks up her brush and, after thinking for a few moments, delicately extends a deep streak of blue where the river spills out into the ocean.
I take another look at my canvas. It’s still blank. The empty white space is screaming to be filled, but I can’t.
I have nothing inside of me to let out, I guess.
That thought makes me want to scream. It makes me want to tear this dumb little canvas in two.
I hear Saki paint another stroke against the canvas, but I turn to watch the sunset.
Maybe I could draw that. Maybe I could draw the way the golden light sits on everything in the art room. Maybe I could draw Saki drawing.
I just don’t have it in me.
I sigh and lean back. I can hear my heart in me ears, like I’m going over the edge.
I take another look at Saki. She’s working diligently on her painting. She’s even humming happily as she goes. She’s probably thinking about Hisao.
I get up from the stool, and she turns around to face me.
“Everything alright?” She asks, but I can’t answer her. I stumble into the hallway, and just faintly here the sound of her reaching for her cane.
I have to go.
I steady myself against the hallway, and stagger down it until I reach the end, and fall into the girl’s bathroom. My heart is racing in my ears, and I feel like I’m going to vomit as I fall to my knees in front of the toilet bowl.
About forty seconds later, I hear the sound of the door opening and the tap of Saki’s cane.
“Rika?” She asks.
“Rika, are you in here?” she asks again. All I can manage is an affirmative grunt. I feel so empty.
“Rika, I’m going to get some help,” she says, but before she can leave, I smack my hand against the toilet stall wall.
“Please, no,” I manage, and the door doesn’t open.
After a few more seconds of silence, Saki exhales.
“Okay,” she sighs, “okay.”
It takes a few minutes, but I eventually steady myself and sit back against the stall door. I feel it give a little as Saki does the same on the other side.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers beneath the door.
After I don’t say anything, she continues.
“I shouldn’t have started talking about sex and stuff, I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t consider whether you could… whether you…” she doesn’t finish her sentence.
She’s wrong, that’s… that’s not what this is.
“I love you, Rika,” she whispers quietly.
I drop my head into my hands. I can feel the tears begin to roll down my cheeks.
“I love you,” I whisper. I’m not even sure she hears me.
“If you need to talk, I’m here,” Saki says.
“I know,” I reply, after a few seconds I add, “thank you.”
What is wrong with me? Why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel so… spilled?
“I love you Rika,” Saki repeats.
I finally throw up.
_____________________________________________
“I’m curious as to why you ask, Katayama,” Nurse says, a sly grin on his face. “I’m wont to remind you that the school has very strict rules about curfew, but I won’t try and stop you.”
Nurse straightens his tie and starts searching through his drawers.
“You should be fine, provided you take things slowly and are mature about how you’re feeling. As awkward as you might find it, I’d need to know if anything does happen during your… experiments.” He explains, before producing a pamphlet and a foil packet.
“I uh, was asking hypothetically,” I reply, and Nurse nods.
“I see, well you might still find this useful.” He presses the items into my hand and I slide them into my rucksack.
“Thanks,” I say, and awkwardly make for the door.
“Hang on a minute Katayama.”
I turn to face Nurse; he’s got his serious face on.
“Miss Enomoto tells me you were feeling rather ill the other day.” He taps the chair in front of him, and I take the seat with a sigh. “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
I close my eyes.
“No, I’m okay,” I say, but I can’t look at him as I do.
“Katayama,” Nurse says slowly.
I open my eyes again, but rather than angry, Nurse just looks sad. He leans back in his chair and clasps his hands together.
“Have you been feeling lost again, Katayama?”
“No, I…”
Nurse patiently waits for me to continue.
“Have you ever wanted something so badly, but deep down you know you can’t have it?” I ask, and Nurse sighs.
“I think I might know the feeling,” he answers.
“Well, yeah,” is all I can manage. Considering the rain outside, I’m glad I get to come here instead of doing physical education classes.
“It’s natural to sometimes want the things we can’t have,” Nurse explains, before tapping his fingers against his desk. “I think you just have to recognise the things you can have, or do have.”
There’s a silence.
“I know it might not seem it, but you’re quite lucky,” he says, and I laugh.
He chuckles as well. I guess that lightens the mood a bit.
“You are though. You have wonderful friends, you’re exceptionally smart, and I bet there are boys throwing themselves at you here,” he teases.
Boys… throwing themselves at me?
Nurse raises his eyebrow at the last point to make sure I know he’s just playing around.
“I… know,” I reply. It must feel like getting blood from a stone for him. That, or pulling teeth.
“Listen, Katayama,” he sits forward. “If you think you need to talk to someone again, I can arrange for that to happen. But you worry too much for someone so young,” he laughs now.
“Well, doesn’t everyone my age?” I try to joke, but it comes out a bit flat.
"Oh, how lucky it is to be so old and wise in your young years,” he laughs.
“Well I can’t waste my young years being so young,” I reply. It’s something Saki once said to me.
Nurse’s face become very stern.
“Talk like that around me again and I’ll put you in the ground myself.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, but he’s smiling now.
Nurse is another one of those people I should be happy I have in my life.
Nurse is another reason I should be happy. I want to be.
But I want so much. I want so much that happiness barely makes the cut.
“I want to feel better,” I eventually say, and Nurse smiles again.
“I know, and you will. We’ll get there together.”
I want to believe him.
But I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.
“Katayama,” Nurse clicks his fingers in front of me.
I snap back into focus. I didn’t realise I was tearing up.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, and sniffle a little.
“It’s okay. Sometimes we have to feel a bit down to appreciate the things that make us happy.”
“I don’t know what will make me happy though,” I say, and he nods. “Then every time I think I know, I realise I’m wrong, or that I’ll never be able to get the things that make me feel okay.”
Nurse bites on the end of his pen.
“Miss Katayama, might I ask what exactly it is you want?”
I think about my long list of desires. I try not to acknowledge the thing at the top, and think instead about those just below it. A new heart would be good. Being normal would be up there too. I’d like to be with my family again, instead of here. But then I’d want to bring everyone here back with me too.
“Just say the first things you think of, Miss Katayama.” Nurse repeats, and leans forward.
“I want to live. I want to be able to run, to swim. I want to eat whatever I want and not worry about it killing me. I want to see graduation; I want to be with someone. I want to scream, I – I want, I want to dance. I want to see my family, I – want, I want – I want Saki to, I want, I want her to – I want and I - “
Nurse quickly places his hand on my shoulder, and offers me a tissue. He doesn’t seem surprised by anything I said, which is a minor comfort. I didn’t even feel myself begin to sob like that, but I guess that’s all I’ve been doing lately. I instinctively place my fingers beneath my neck and check my pulse, it’s rapid, but I feel okay. Physically, anyway. Inside I feel open.
If my brother saw me like this, he’d tease me relentlessly.
“Okay,” he says gently. “Why don’t we start with swimming, and graduation?” Even though he’s speaking delicately, his voice betrays a slightly jokey tone; I feel myself smile just a tiny bit. “There’s nothing stopping you having a swim, with the right preparation.”
“I, I just want to be able to do things without preparation,” I reply.
“You can be spontaneous without being dangerous, Katayama,” he lectures, and I sigh.
“I… I can try,” I eventually say.
“Okay, well, I’m going to ask again, do you want to talk to anyone about this?”
“I think so,” I say, and he laughs.
“Okay,” he replies, “You’ll be okay, but it takes time.”
I stand up from the chair and straighten my skirt.
“It’s not too late?” I ask quietly, and Nurse puts his hand back onto my shoulder.
“It’s never too late,” he says, and he squeezes me. It feels comforting. I don’t really know how he does that; how he makes everything seem like it’s not so bad. I’m thankful. “I’ll be in touch via email.”
Even as I exit his office, and promise again that I’ll try to be spontaneous, and uh, safe, I feel something sinking in my stomach. My phone vibrates.
[Lunch?]
It’s Saki.
[O.K] I reply, and I try to smile.
I try.
_____________________________________________
“You’re tired huh?” Akio asks.
I turn to face him; the rocking of the bus threatens to lull me to sleep. I guess the look on my face is answer enough, since he chuckles.
“Didn’t sleep much last night I take it?” he asks, and I shrug. “Me either.”
“I’ve been stressing out about my art project,” I explain, and he nods sympathetically.
“You’ll figure it out. Besides, it isn’t due for a few months, right?”
“Yeah,” I answer, and return to my window view. The countryside is slowly becoming the city; green is slowly becoming grey and white, neon and slow. Cars start to queue beside the bus as we reach the first busy intersection.
“Thanks for inviting me to the city though,” Akio says, he doesn’t sound like he minds me staring off into the distance. “Even if it was a bit late notice,” he laughs.
“I’m being spontaneous,” I mutter into the window, and he laughs again.
“You certainly are. I’m happy to come anyway; I had a lot of fun at the track meet.”
“Me too,” I say, and turn to give him a smile. “Thank you, by the way.”
“Always,” he replies, before smiling to himself and closing his eyes. We have another 20 minutes or so until we arrive in the city, so I won’t disturb him. I’m content to sit in silence.
I close my eyes and rest my head against his shoulder. He doesn’t mind, and he runs his fingers through my hair. It’s a nice feeling; it could send me to sleep for sure. Luckily, I’m not someone who just naps everywhere, so I manage to stay awake until the engine cuts out at our stop.
Akio gives me a little shake, probably thinking I’m asleep, and we both get up and off the bus. It’s surprisingly bright, and everything has this shine to it. We find a part of the street that isn’t swarmed with people, and Akio places his hand on my shoulder.
“So, where we going first?” he asks, and I giggle.
“I need art supplies, but I don’t know where they are. Spontaneous, see?” I explain, and he gives me a confused look.
“Ridiculous, more like,” he chuckles, but immediately springs into action. We race down the street next to us, window shopping as we pass clothing and sports shops, cafés and restaurants.
The streets look so alive as we pass markets and stores. Akio grins as we pass a video game store, but he doesn’t ask me to go in with him. He’s on a mission. My mission.
This feels fun; exciting even. Akio is grinning like an idiot and I have to admit, it’s kind of cute. We’re going pretty fast, but I still get the chance to look in every store window. The colours melt together, dolls collide with fancy shirts and fruit and veg and –
“Rika?” Akio asks, coming to a halt in front of me.
I nearly bump into him, and he chuckles.
“Look here,” he points to my right and sure enough there’s an art store there. It’s got loads of textiles and paints, canvas’ etc.
“Yeah, this is perfect!”
“Shall we?” He asks, and offers me his arm.
“Let’s,” I say and link my arm around his. I lift my other hand up to my neck, but my pulse is actually okay for the moment. Akio looks concerned, but immediately smiles when I relax.
We enter the store, and immediately my senses are overwhelmed. Everything smells so… crisp, the colours and fabrics melt together like we’ve stepped into a painting. A lady in a fancy grey suit nods to acknowledge our presence, but quickly returns to her book.
Akio seems quite lost in here, so I tug him to follow me around. I’m not even sure what I want; but I grab a few stencils and paints, as well as running my hands down the length of the fabric hanging like banners. It’s super soft, and Akio follows my lead, scoffing in surprise as he takes in the texture.
The lady behind the counter barely raises her eyes when I reach the till, but she takes my money and places the items I’ve picked up into a small bag. Thankfully, Akio takes the bag so that I won’t have to carry it; he worries about my condition a lot, I think.
Once again, we exit out into the bright streets, and I grab Akio’s wrist.
“Thanks,” I tell him, and he smiles widely.
“Anytime,” he says, before pulling me into a sideways hug.
“Where next?”
“Dinner?” He asks, his hand still on my shoulder pulling me close.
Like a… date?
I think about Nurse; I think about Saki.
“Sure,” I reply. “I’d love too.”
And we delve back into the mystery and majesty of the bright city streets.
_____________________________________________
Next
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