Apparently he sits right next to Hanako from the start of the story and doesn't realize it's her? Despite noting in his internal monologue that the girl he's looking for probably has burn scars? The writing isn't the clearest but that's what it seems like. As was noted in the thread itself, it's pretty hard to imagine that he wouldn't be able to identify the correct person almost right away. If the author was going to go that route, they would need to set it up such that the protagonist and his own family somehow have no idea at all what Hanako looks like or where she came from, other than the fact that she's at Yamaku. Obviously this is not done.
If I had to do this, I would've used the angle that Hanako was born to a teenage mother, adopted, and never found out due to her adoptive parents' premature death. The protagonist, the son of an older sibling to Hanako's mother who is around her age, becomes curious when he befriends Hanako and learns that her middle name is the same as his last name (with Hanako's adoptive parents giving her that middle name in honor of her true family name). I don't even know if Japanese people have middle names, but it's the only way I can come up with that this plot could sort of work.
I think it still would've been better to just have the guy "find" her in the first chapter or two--there would be plenty of material as they learn about each other, what they have in common and what they don't. The author could've had a lot of ammo with gradually revealing, through dialogue and direct interactions with Hanako, exactly what happened between their parents and what he knew of her before they met, but instead all that is kind of squandered in a big expo dump right away. Instead of actually using his premise, the author uses his first couple chapters to basically re-write the first scenes of the game itself with his OC in place of Hisao, going through the same interactions with Misha and Shizune (who also act a bit weird, as they don't even tell him their names, nor which one of them is really a class rep, until Shizune passes him a note with this info at lunch).
The main character himself is also a bit flat. He doesn't seem to have much of a personality, yet is apparently a girl magnet, making him feel a bit like a self insert, and can also apparently do an age-accelerated sketch of Hanako based on pictures of her as a child (something which makes me think of police sketch artists, not a skill just anyone can do--I would expect drawing/art to be a bigger part of his character if he's this good at it). In the thread, the author says this about it:
The sketch was pretty much his way of getting a visual aid to assist him (he's good at art and such, but that's something that people reading this wouldn't know since I decided to omit the introduction since it can be rather generic and could end up being close to how it looks in the game even if I didn't use the same interests), but he believes that he'd messed things up because he thinks that his mind wasn't as clear as he thought it was.
He could've had the guy check out the art club and meet Rin--introduce the art aspect through things happening, instead of thinking it's something that would have to simply be described in the abstract.
There wasn't any further conversation as we headed for our seats, but there might have been some shocks when I pulled out the injection pen along with a needle and set everything up, primed the injection system and injected myself with a small amount of the liquid.
“Couldn't you have done that elsewhere”, the pink haired girl asked.
This part bothers me, as I don't imagine Misha/Shizune or Yamaku more generally would have any issues with someone needing a diabetes injection.
Also, the writing style which starts a new line on every single sentence is annoying.
---
I didn't read after the first two chapters, as the author seemed like he was more interested in making up reasons why he had to do everything the way he did rather than changing anything. But, I couldn't help but notice when scrolling through the rest of the thread...
So, without further ado, please brace yourself for the shittiest sex scene ever written along with a story that has likely added more plot holes then removed, and a story that most likely be turning into something that most weren't expecting.
I gotta give him some credit here lol. At least he owns it at the end.
"Can I ask you something", the person asked.
"It depends on what the question is", I responded as I looked towards the door to confirm that the person who walked in was Ikuno.
"Okay", Ikuno said looking relatively nervous "if a girl approached you and asked if you would take her virginity, would you accept?"
Not only does Ikuno present this in the most direct and unrealistic way possible, the affair continues to be treated like a business exchange in the following dialogue, with Ikuno calmly explaining what's going to happen and why:
"Your mother went out a little while ago", Ikuno said "and Suzu is sleeping off breakfast while using the dog as a cuddle buddy".
That's that idea flushed down the toilet, and that is likely to be my only chance to get out of this mess as Ikuno had already started to take her clothes off.
"I also doubt that your condition would have progressed far enough for that to have stopped working", Ikuno said as she removed her skirt "and as for the restrictions, there'll be no intimate contact and stimulation beyond you sticking it in and moving until you've reached your limit".
Since apparently Seiji
really doesn't want to do this, according to his internal thoughts, but he never simply presents "I'm not comfortable with this" as a defense, instead resigning himself to railing Ikuno after she deconstructs all of his excuses not to do it. Then he has the gall to describe himself as "not exactly a willing participant" once they're doing it! Fucking kek. Ikuno herself gives no actual reason for this besides that she wants to lose her virginity before she graduates. Also have to relate this metaphor which I found pretty amusing.
"It looks like my theory about you having plenty of lead in your pencil has been proven", Ikuno said
Now after they did the deed I thought that this gold mine had run dry only to keep reading and find this waiting for me.
"What have you two been doing?"
Ikuno turned to look towards the source of the voice just after I quickly lifted myself up enough to look in the same direction, and found Suzu standing a few feet from the bed, very much awake now and looking at her closest friend and the guy she had only known for just under a month naked and in a position that can't be explained away.
.
"Just how did it turn out like this", I asked after Suzu's virginity went the way of the dodo by my... you know what.
The ride doesn't end yet, it seems. And there is
another scene following in which Suzu manages to be even
more cold and analytical about the whole thing than Ikuno was, literally doing some kind of sex math:
"Ikuno might not, but I certainly would if the opportunity arises", Suzu mumbled "I would like to be stimulated before you enter me".
"She really didn't give any opportunity for that kind of thing", I said "although it was probably a good thing that we didn't since my mother might have returned before we'd finished".
Suzu immediately started doing mental arithmetic the moment I finished speaking, possibly calculating how much time elapsed between when we'd finished, my mother returning and if any foreplay would have meant the sex being cut short.
"She might have", Suzu muttered after completing her calculations "but we won't know now".
This is why she's called the diva of the maths class even though she can sleep through most of it, along with the majority of any exam in that subject and can come out the other side smelling of roses as long as she knows what we're on if she's called on to answer a question.
And at the end of the whole thing Seiji thinks to himself that he "really wants his old life back." Yeah, the one without cripple waifus eager for you to deflower them with no strings attached, suuuuure buddy I bet you're real tore up about it. Let's note that all this happens after less than 5 scenes total between Ikuno/Suzu/Seiji and Seiji
still hasn't talked to Hanako yet either. Unfortunately the ride truly does end with this chapter but hoo boy did this story go out with a bang.
As absurd as this last chapter is, I should note that I actually consider it an improvement over the first two, as at least shit happened. I'd rather people try to do something than play it safe (and boring). Granted the "doing something" part was executed horribly here, but if both are badly done anyways, drama is still more entertaining than mundane slice of life sequences.
