Hisao and Kenji: Masterful One Shots! Winter Update!

[Serviam]

It's been a while since I last took a look at your works, and might I say: they're damn good as always. You keep doing the Emperor's work!

[Hoitash]

It's been a while since I last took a look at your works, and might I say: they're damn good as always. You keep doing the Emperor's work!

Good to see you back, and thanks. Like the Living Saint herself, I shall always return when I am needed

Though apparently not in time to save a planet. Stupid Abaddon.

[Hoitash]

You know, I haven’t written anything sappy in five minutes.

Let’s fix that. Ilya, throw the switch!

Shining Middle Child -A Father’s Day Special

As an only child with three children, sometimes I have trouble relating to or even understanding their sibling dynamics. Granted, I had a fair few cousins, but it’s not the same. Hanako not having any experience in the matter either meant we more or less made it up as we went along, as parents have done since time immemorial.

Satomi, our middle child, gave us the most concern. It wasn’t really the normal middle child issue since she and our youngest were five years apart. What ate at Satomi instead was the simple fact she enjoyed things the rest of us never bothered much with. She liked fashion and baseball, didn’t like science, and academically tended toward the average, though that was more lack of effort than anything.

On the bright side, every now and then we got a reminder that we occasionally knew what we were doing. She might have had different interests, but she definitely had our hearts. Metaphorically I mean –fortunately none of the kids inherited my arrhythmia.

Anyway, I remember one time where I was lucky enough to receive two such reminders, one of which you already know about thanks to a certain albatross. It was Father’s Day; obviously the same one Refia wrote about, only a few hours earlier. I was still in my study grading papers when I heard a knock at my threshold –I kept the door open so the kids and Hana, who refused to enter uninvited for whatever reason, usually just knocked on or near the wall to get my attention.

I looked up from my work to see Satomi leaning into the open doorway, her purple ponytail dangling to one side as her head looked at me sideways. I scooted back from my work and turned my chair toward the threshold, waiting for Satomi to speak.

“Dad?” she asked, “can I come in?”

I smiled and nodded, “Sure. Something on your mind?”

Satomi stepped into my office, hands behind her back as if hiding something. Once she had stepped within a few paces of me she held out her hands, revealing an envelope just the right size for a holiday card.

“Happy Father’s Day, Daddy!”

I took the envelope –purple of course- and opened the drawer containing my letter opener. Satomi’s lips twisted in an adorable pout, presumably because I was opening the thing the hard way and not just ripping into it. Once I pulled out the opener I worked it along the top of the envelope, placed the opener back in the drawer and closed it, and slowly pulled out the card within.

The homemade card on light blue construction paper featured a broadly stroked calligraphic “Happy Father’s Day!” in elaborate kanji above several exploding beakers filled with something that caused the explosions to contain glitter. Said glitter was very well glued in place and didn’t end up all over me, and thanks to my open window caught the light rather nicely.

I lowered the card to look at my expectant daughter, her pout gone and her fingers twirling in on themselves while she waited for my verdict on her gift.

I grinned and patted her head, “Thank you, Satomi. I love it.”

Satomi beamed and pumped her fists in victory, “I knew you would! I worked really hard on the calligraphy! I’ve been practicing for weeks to get it right and then I had to get it on the card and make the other stuff and the art club thinks I’m joining them now but it was a lot of fun and I’m really glad you love it.”

I lowered my hand, smiling at my energetic daughter, “Of course I love it. You made it.”

Satomi continued beaming. Colorful, coordinated, and keeping other’s interests in mind; in other words, my oldest daughter in a nutshell. To put my previous words into action, I carefully placed the card on the top row of cabinets of my desk along with the photos I kept up there.

Glancing back to my daughter, I asked, “Any idea where your brother and sister are?”

“Nii-chan’s helping Mom with something,” she replied, “And Refia’s working on her own present. Something about needing a really small box.”

I slowly nodded, “So then, would you like to stay a bit?”

Satomi slowly looked behind her, back-stepped to the threshold, and carefully peered into the hallway, both ways. Once she was sure the coast was clear, she carefully hopped into my lap as if she was still the springy little girl Refia’s age. I smiled as she eased her head against my chest.

“You know I’m getting too old for this,” she said.

I nodded, “I know.”

And thanks to her lanky frame, it was painfully obvious, too –I could barely rest my chin on her head anymore.

I sighed and admitted, “Right, you’re my little lady now, and Refia is my little girl.”

Satomi smirked and added, “And Nii-chan is the Prince of Nerds.”

I chuckled and patted her head. How I had become the King of Nerds when I knew an actual nuclear physicist was anyone’s guess.

After that Satomi said nothing for a few minutes, and we just sat together like we used to when she was a little girl. She was still so young, yet it wouldn’t be long now before she’d be a young lady, and then I’d have to acknowledge it.

Eight million gods help me, my little girl was going to become a woman before I knew it. At least I’d live to see it.

Apparently on the same wavelength as I was, Satomi muttered, “When I was really little and would cry, you’d hold me up to your chest and have me listen to your heartbeat. That always calmed me down.”

I raised an eyebrow and looked down at her, “You remember that?”

Satomi nodded, “It sounds weird now. It’s not the you I remember.”

I grinned, “It’s Me 2.0. I’m stronger, faster, more likely to live to see you get married.”

Satomi giggled, “That’s good, because there’s this boy in class that really likes to play baseball with me.”

“Amagi, right?” I guessed, “The one who always comes over to help you with homework and play catch when you finish? The one whose mom your mother trades recipes with all the time?”

Satomi gulped, “Um… yeah… you won’t tell Nii-chan, will you?”

I should’ve known Hanako was right about those two, since she supervised them and seemed to have a knack for matchmaking. I hadn’t really noticed it, but as astute observers may have noticed, I can be a bit dense when it comes to crushes.

I sighed and patted her head again. Satomi looked up at me, her brown eyes looking into my own. Such a sweet girl, despite her snarky nature –no idea where she got that.

Really.

I gave her a small smirk, “You know, if you didn’t tease him so much about Soon-hee, you wouldn’t have to worry about that.”

Satomi pouted, “I know, but he’s so funny when he gets flustered; kinda like you do.”

I gently tapped her nose, “You like getting a rise outta people, eh? You got that from your Aunt Lilly and Aunt Akira, didn’t you?”

Satomi grinned, “Maybe~.”

I rolled my eyes and patted her head again, “Your secret’s safe with me. Just don’t grow up too fast, okay? And be nice to your brother –he can be a bit dense just like me, sometimes.”

Satomi nodded, “I know. Thanks, Dad.”

With that, she gently hopped out of my lap, turned around, and gave me a quick hug that I returned. After a moment we parted, and Satomi took a few steps back.

“Happy Father’s Day,” she said again, then spun around and left my office.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair, the picture of me and a graduating Hana beaming down at me from my desk next to the card.

“Guess we’re doing okay so far,” I declared.

Taking the smile in my wife’s photo as agreement, I went back to work. I needed to get everything done quickly, as I was rather popular that day.

+++

There, it is done. I have done the thing.

Now for my next trick, I shall pull a 4th of July special out of the Warp. Oh crap that’s a Herald of Khorne. Oh God Ilya kill it with fire kill it with-

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!

Crap, this is gonna be my whole day now. MILK FOR THE CORN FLAKES!

Oh, Ilya, do the thing.

/smokebomb

Thank you, Ilya.

[Toothless]

Finishing a nice story with such craziness, you absolute madman. As long the 4th of July do not involve Slaannesh, it should be great.

[Hoitash]

Finishing a nice story with such craziness, you absolute madman. As long the 4th of July do not involve Slaannesh, it should be great.

I promise nothing, and thanks for the vote of confidence

[Serviam]

I should’ve known Hanako was right about those two, since she supervised them and seemed to have a knack for matchmaking.

Damn, Hana taking a leaf of The Master Eugenicist's book?

[Hoitash]

I should’ve known Hanako was right about those two, since she supervised them and seemed to have a knack for matchmaking.

Damn, Hana taking a leaf of The Master Eugenicist's book?

I had to look that up, and wow Naruto fans are dedicated.

I think even Kenji wouldn't come up with something like that.

[Hoitash]

I warned you, I warned all of you! They called me mad, insane. WENDELL!!!!!!

…Okay, I should probably stop drinking bathtub eggnog. Anywho, Merry Christmas, Happy belated Hanukah, and Happy New Year!


Drink Hard on a Couch 6: The Recouchanence


“This is a terrible idea,” I declared.

Kenji and Kaneo rolled their eyes as they set down the oversized TV in the dorm’s common room, currently commandeered by the Student Council Treasurer for “Campaign Preparation”, by which he meant we were going to watch a movie before everybody split up for winter break.

I tried very hard not to think too much about how we got exclusive use of the room for the night. Thanks to the presence of Macallan whiskey, I was mostly succeeding.

“Don’t worry abaht it,” Kaneo stated, his Kobe accent thicker than over-stirred takoyaki batter, “jus’ tink of it as a club meeting.”

Kenji nodded, a green and red scarf around his neck in a flair of festive cheer, “He’s right, man. We have far more important things to worry about.”

I raised an eyebrow, “Like what?”

Kaneo smirked, his gold tooth, framed glasses, and ring-covered hand glinting from the overhead lighting as he readjusted his fur coat, “Like Sarah eatin’ all dah food.”

I rolled my eyes, “Don’t worry –Hana took that as a personal challenge this time –if we run out of food it’s because someone stole it.”

The three of us glanced to the card table loaded with pot stickers, brownies, snickerdoodles, and various vegetable sticks. Under the table rested the beer and whiskey for the night.

Turning back to Kaneo, I asked, “Although I do wonder if it’s okay to have beer in here.”

Kaneo waved away my concern with a ring encrusted hand, “It’s fine, aight? Jus’ try an’ relax an’ enjoy dah night, okay?”

I sighed and rubbed my temple, “Yeah, sure. Any idea when the others are getting here?”

Kaneo pointed behind me and I turned around to face the common room’s door. Kenji, calm as ever when the unexpected happened, yelped and ducked behind a chair for cover as Oji entered the room, the mousy and weary-looking Sarah stumbling in after him.

“Hey,” I greeted, ignoring the two’s smoke saturated clothing as best I could.

Oji, his do-rag red and green, slowly raised a hand in greeting, “’Sup.”

Sarah, suppressing a yawn, managed a weary, “Hello, Sempai.”

Kaneo sighed at the sight of Sarah so disheveled, as apparently he thought he was her mother, “You aight woman?”

Sarah slowly shrugged, “Just tired.”

“You’re going home for break, right?” I asked, “at least you’ll be able to sleep on the plane.”

Sarah managed a small smile, “Yeah, though I’m not looking forward to dealing with customs –every time I go home they try and deploy me.”

With nothing to add to that, I instead glanced to the chair Kenji was using for cover, “Hey, it’s Sarah and Oji.”

Kenji’s head popped up like a legally blind whack-a-mole, “Oh. Shit man, why didn’t you say so?”

“I did,” I replied, “Just now.”

Kenji glowered at me as he stood back up, “Very funny.”

“Who else is coming?” Oji asked, taking a slow look around as he added, “Must be a lot if Tako got us the common room.”

“Let’s see,” I looked up at the ceiling, ticking off fingers as I named people, “The five of us, Akira, her boyfriend, George, and… oh right, Lilly’s coming, too.”

Kenji raised an eyebrow, “Lilly wants to hear a movie. With us? The guys who talk during movies.”

I shrugged, “She really like Alan Rickman, apparently.”

“Lilly?” Sarah asked, “The Blond Amazon?”

I nodded, “That’s her. Crap, do we have any wine for her?”

Kenji frowned, “She’ll drink whiskey and Guinness and like it.”

Having seen Lilly drink things besides wine, I figured she’d make do. At the mention of alcohol Sarah’s eyes drifted toward the card table, currently loaded with food just waiting for the overworked pre-med student to consume.

“If you want food now go ahead,” I told her, “and if may as well pick your seats while you can, too.”

Sarah grinned and bolted for the table.

Oji, meanwhile, plopped himself down in one of the chairs, “When is everyone else showing up?”

I shrugged, “They get here when they get here.”

Someone knocked on the door to the common room, rapping out “shave and a haircut,” despite the door being open.

Kenji once again yelped and ducked behind a chair, as he either couldn’t see it was Akira, Daichi, George, and Lilly, or he just felt like he had to for dramatic effect. Knowing him, probably both.

Grinning at the two couples, I waved and said, “Hey, welcome to the madhouse.”

Akira grinned and returned the wave, “Yo.”

Daichi, not one to speak unless he had to, simply nodded, while Lilly furrowed her brow and tilted her head, possibly trying to get an auditory feel for the room. All four of them had matching red sweaters, and Lilly had replaced the ribbon in her hair with a dark green one in a gesture of festive cheer.

Rolling his eyes at the sight of Kenji ducking for cover, George took a step forward and said, “It’s just us Kenji. Hey everybody.”

Kenji whack-a-mole’d up, “Oh hey. Hello Lilly –Merry Christmas.”

Lilly nodded lightly in greeting, “Hello, Kenji, and Merry Christmas to you as well. Is everyone here?”

“Ah, right,” I said, “Introductions. Sarah, this is Lilly, Akira, and her boyfriend Daichi. Guys, this is Sarah Shirazy from the game club. Lilly I think you’ve met my lab partner Oji before –we borrowed his car for that road trip. Oh, and the pimp in fur is our Student Council Treasurer, Kaneo Takarada.”

“Call me Tako,” Kaneo declared, grinning at the couples, “nice to meetcha.”

After the obligatory rounds of introductions and first name insistences, everyone settled in, grabbing plates of food and drinks. Meanwhile, Kenji and I put the finishing touches on the technical aspects of the night.

“Was Hanako alright when you left your room?” I asked Lilly.

“Yes she was,” Lilly, having taken a seat next to George so they could hold hands, replied, “although she was very focused on the manual, so I do hope she remembers to eat something –she was muttering something about a carburetor when I left.”

[Hoitash]

Part Yule:

Sarah, a carrot stick in her mouth like a cigarette and Oji serving as a cushion on their chair, sighed and grumbled, “I know that feeling, though for me it’s mostly side-effects I need to memorize.”

Lilly turned toward Sarah’s voice, “What is your major, if I may ask?”

“Pre-med,” Sarah replied, “and you can make any joke you want and I won’t mind, so go nuts.”

Lilly frowned, either not getting the joke itself or because she’d never actually make such a joke, unlike Emi, or Kenji.

Speaking of, with a final jack in its proper port, Kenji stood up and posed dramatically as he declared, “Alright, we are fully set up for our Movie Night of Awesome!”

“What’re we watching?” Akira asked, scratching her head with a celery stick while her other hand held a Sapporo, “I forgot.”

“Die Hard,” Lilly replied, frowning lightly as she added, “did I not mention that on the way here? Several times?”

Akira shrugged, “I remember something about Alan Rickman’s hair and how he nailed Snape in the most amazing and sexily sounding way possible. Also George said something about getting killed with a comb?”

“We never confirmed she can do that,” George stated.

Sarah grinned, somewhat adorkably considering the carrot stick between her teeth.

I raised an eyebrow at her, “Do you need a smoke break?”

Sarah shook her head, “I’m good until the pizza gets here. There will be pizza, right?”

Kaneo rolled his eyes, “Yes, dere will be pizza. And yes, it will be koshah and peanut free.”

Sarah’s grin widened, “Love you, Tako.”

Kaneo rolled his eyes, “Shueh yah do. We gonna staht dis show or what?”

“Listen up people!” Kenji barked, startling Lilly with his sharpness, “We will have an intermission halfway-ish through the movie for pizza and restroom breaks and the like. In the meantime, as you already saw, we have Hanako’s famous potstickers, rabbit food in stick form, Sapporo, Heineken, ouzo, Macallan, Guinness, and Johnnie Walker Red for mixing with the tequila. And Hornitos.”

Akira, sitting on the armrest of the chair Daichi sat in, perked up and asked, “We can make kilted Mexicans? You tell me this now?”

Daichi, hefted himself up, “I’ll get us some.”

“Me, too, please!” Sarah called.

“I’ll get it,” Oji started to heft himself up before remembering he had a girlfriend in his lap. I’m not sure what that said about Oji, but at least he remembered she was there before knocking her off of him.

“It’s fine,” Daichi stated as he headed for the drink table.

“Thank you,” Sarah said.

“I would like one as well, please,” Lilly added.

“Got it,” Daichi replied.

After the drinks had been collected and served, Kenji, tapping his foot as everyone once again resettled, cleared his throat to get everyone’s attention.

“As I was saying, refreshments are over on the table with the food. Hisao, start the movie!”

I saluted Kenji with the beer in my free hand, “Aye aye, Sir!”

With that, we got the movie started.

==

“Wow,” Kaneo breathed, “Willis is so young in this movie….”

“You’re drooling,” George said.

Kaneo wiped his mouth with his sleeve, “Am not.”

“Is he wearing the tank top yet?” Lilly asked.

“Not yet,” Kaneo replied.

George raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.

Sarah tilted her head at the screen, “Is California really that weird?”

“According to Misha,” I replied, “Yes. Not sure about the limo drivers, though.”

==

“Ah,” Lilly sighed, “Alan Rickman has a beard in this movie, right?”

Kaneo sighed as well, “Yeah he does. So sexy.”

George joined the sighing trio, “Should I be worried that one of my friends and my girlfriend are bonding over their mutual celebrity crush?”

“That’s how they get you, man,” Kenji declared.

I sighed –guess we were a quartet then- and sipped my scotch, “Please don’t start.”

Kenji grinned and brought his drink up to his mouth, “Too late.”

Oji smirked over his beer, “I will sic my girlfriend on you.”

“Sure why not,” Sarah muttered, “the Americans do it all the time.”

“Hey Lilly,” I spoke up to stop a potential fight or upturned chair, “does that curling toe thing really work?”

Lilly frowned in thought, sipped her drink, and nodded, “It does, though finding a properly shaggy carpet can be tricky sometimes. The prevalence of tile these days does not help.”

“You can also use a sweater,” Sarah added.

Kaneo snorted, “Why would you need a sweater?”

“Because Japan is cold.”

Akira smirked at the younger girl, “Maybe in Hokkaido in winter.”

==

I can count on one hand the number of times I have heard Lilly squeal in girlish delight.

Hearing Alan Rickman’s first major lines of the movie that night was one of those times.

Akira grinned at her sister, apparently nearly as happy seeing her so happy. George seemed to share the sentiment as well. Kenji, of course, ducked under the nearest table at the loud sound.

“Anyone ever tell you you’re like a cat?” Akira asked.

Kenji snorted as he crawled out from the table. Adjusting his glasses, he frowned at Akira as he resumed his seat, “I must be ever vigilant against the Oprah Winfrey Book Club Threat.”

Akira opened her mouth to speak. Me, George, and Kaneo just shook our heads.

“Don’t ask,” I warned.

==

“You know,” Kenji mused between sips of his latest drinks, “the best thing about a machine gun is it’s the gift that keeps on giving.”

“I’ve always preferred books myself,” Lilly remarked.

“I wouldn’t mind a machine gun,” Sarah mused, popping open a fresh beer as she added, “or an assault rifle… although I’m already a walking stereotype, so maybe I should just suck it up and get an Uzi?”

Kenji swallowed, while Akira just raised an eyebrow at the young foreigner.

“Should I be worried?” Akira asked.

“Nope,” Oji assured her, “My girlfriend only uses her bloodlust for good.”

“It’s not bloodlust, its self preservation,” she declared.

“Besides,” I added as the robbers blew up the police APC, “we’re fine as long as she doesn’t have a comb.”

[Hoitash]

Part Yule Tide:

The FBI showing up to make things worse seemed a good pause point, especially because Sarah pulled out her lighter more than once to try and light the carrot stick in her mouth. Kaneo got on the phone to order pizza while Sarah and Oji went outside to smoke.

“You okay Lilly?” I asked when I got back from the restroom.

Lilly nodded, her cheeks a little pink from the booze as she smiled, “I’m quite enjoying myself, Hisao.”

I sighed in relief; I thought all the noise might overwhelm her, but I either underestimated Lilly’s filters, or how much she’d had to drink.

Kaneo tucked his phone away and grinned at the blond, “We’ll have to invite you along moah often, den.”

George rubbed his chin in thought, “It has been a while since we watched Galaxy Quest.”

“Do you have any movies with Patrick Stewart?” Lilly asked, “Besides Star Trek, that is.”

Kaneo grinned and licked his gold tooth, “I like your taste.”

Akira grinned, “Lils always liked theatre.”

Lilly pouted at her sister’s voice, puffing out her cheeks and looking very much like the adorable little sister, which just made Akira grin wider.

George smirked at Lilly’s expression before musing, “It’s nice to be able to relax together before splitting up after break. Sorry I can’t go with you right away, Lilly.”

“It’s fine,” Lilly said, “family comes first, after all.”

Kaneo groaned, “Ugh, New Year’s is gonna suck. If I gotta kiss one more Diet member’s ass I’m gonna sock ‘em in dah dick.”

Akira gave an amused snort, “Just be glad you don’t have to deal with rowdy Scotsmen. If at least one piece of furniture isn’t broken by the end of the year, somethin’s gone wrong.”

Lilly sighed, “Please don’t exaggerate –that only happens sometimes.”

Akira chuckled and hefted herself up. Heading for the drink table, she looked back to us and asked, “who wants a refill?”

We all raised our glasses.

“Some bottled waters might be a good idea, too,” I added. Noticing Kenji staring bleary-eyed into his beer, I leaned over and asked, “Hey, you okay man?”

Shaking himself like a wet dog, Kenji turned to me and managed his usual smirk, “I’m fine, man.”

I didn’t quite believe him, but knew better than to pry. He enjoyed the movie, at least, no matter how many times we’d seen it.

Once Daichi handed out drinks and resumed his seat Sarah and Oji returned, pizzas in hand.

“We’re baaaaaaack~,” Sarah declared, “Thanks Tako for buying the pizza!”

“Yeah, yeah,” Kaneo waved away her thanks, “put it down so we can eat it.”

Once we all grabbed some pizza and Lilly firmly rejected George’s scotch-induced desire to feed her, we restarted the movie.

==

Lilly winced at the glass walking scene, a sentiment I shared.

“Walking on that glass has to hurt like a bitch,” Akira remarked.

“Yes,” Sarah said, half a slice of pizza protruding from her mouth as she added, “it does.”

Akira raised an eyebrow at the foreigner, then leaned back so she could address Lilly, “Hey Lils, remember when you cut your foot on that glass way back when?”

Lilly pouted at her older sister, “Yes, Akira, I do remember.”

George raised an eyebrow, “I never heard that story.”

Akira grinned and opened her mouth, but before she could start Daichi shoved a slice of pizza in her face. Huffing in disappointment, she started chewing.

To answer George, Lilly, sipping her scotch, replied, “I was young. I dropped a glass. I enjoyed walking barefoot as a child.”

“Ah.”

Akira, having finished swallowing, looked to Sarah and asked, “Is that what happened with you?”

Sarah swallowed her own pizza before shaking her head, “Broken window.”

==

“You know,” George mused between beers, “as a neighbor to their north, I really hope the FBI isn’t that incompetent.”

“Could be worse,” Sarah said, “could be the CIA.”

Kenji nodded, “Or the KGB.”

“The KGB is gone,” George reminded him.

“Officially sure,” Sarah declared, “but we still have their leftovers to deal with.”

Kaneo, ignoring Sarah’s sanity slippage, gave a wistful sigh at Bruce Willis’ lack of clothing and increased amount of sweat. Lilly did the same, and I could’ve sworn I saw Akira lick her lips.

“Do we have a copy of Die Hard 2?” Kaneo asked.

Kenji snorted, “It’s the 21st century man –my Pirate Bay usage is high enough I could get a job in Somalia if I asked.”

“We are not watching another movie after this,” I said, “Akira and Lilly have a flight.”

Akira grinned, “Flight’s tomorrow, you know.”

I checked the clock on the wall and sighed; she was still, technically, correct. The best kind of correct.

[Hoitash]

Part Yule Tide:

“And the limo driver saves the day,” George declared, “truly the unsung hero of the movie.”

Grinning, Akira raised her glass, “To the limo drivers of the world –may their passengers not fornicate in the back seats.”

“Or if they do,” Lilly interjected, raising her own glass, “may they use a towel to mitigate stains.”

“And may the seats be Scotchgarded,” Kaneo added.

Akira sighed and slapped her forehead, “Sure, why not?”

Daichi gave a small smirk, apparently amused at Lilly’s revenge for the use of her despised nickname. Lilly also seemed quite pleased with herself, smiling widely as she downed her latest shot.

“It’s the third one where the guy’s brother show’s up, right?” Sarah asked, “The one with Samuel Motherfucking Jackson?”

Kenji grinned and nodded, “Damn right it is! We should watch that again sometime.”

“We need to watch 2 again first,” I said, “maybe next Christmas we should do a double feature.”

“Brilliant!” George declared.

“We’re out of Guinness,” Daichi declared, “Lilly drank it all.”

“I’m a terrible Scot,” Lilly admitted.

Akira shrugged, “So am I.”

“At least you live there,” George remarked.

“Huh,” Sarah seemed to have an epiphany, “All we need is an ANZAC and we’d have a Commonwealth trifecta.”

Kaneo snorted, “You just want someone around as hard to kill as you.”

Sarah smirked at the Treasurer, “Maybe~.”

Akira swallowed, “Is she serious? I can’t tell if she’s serious.”

I shrugged and finished my beer, “Like I said before: we’re fine as long as she doesn’t have a comb.”

==

When the movie ended, everyone gave a long stretch and yawn. Except Sarah, who stretched and passed out.

Oji smiled and gently ran his hand through her hair, “That’s my desert kitten.”

Kaneo grimaced and made a gagging sound as he hauled himself up, “So now what? We got dah room ‘til sunrise.”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh joy. Let’s have a poker game, then.”

Kenji grinned, “Hells yeah! I need new materials for my latest project!”

I sighed and glared at him, “You can’t be serious.”

Kaneo licked his gold tooth and glanced at Akira and Daichi, “Well, we do have dese foreignahs wiv all dere luscious foreign currency.”

Akira snorted, “You have any idea what the pound is worth these days?”

“1.2 Euros, 1.6 US Dollars, and about one hundred and fitty yen,” Kaneo rattled off, “You in or out?”

Oji raised his hand, “I’m out. Gotta get Sarah to bed.”

Heaving Sarah over his shoulder, Oji hauled himself up, bowed to each of us, and with a quiet “Merry Christmas” left the common room.

“I would not mind playing,” Lilly said, “there is still pizza and scotch, yes?”

“Yep,” Knaeo replied, “Sarah ate ahmost everyting else.”

Shrugging and chugging a bottled water, George bubbled, “May as well, although I only have yen on me right now.”

Akira turned to Daichi, “Wanna stick around? We got time before we gotta leave.”

Daichi nodded, “Don’t go broke.”

Akira rolled her eyes, “Please, I’m gonna teach these kids a lesson that’ll pay off my Christmas shopping bills! Let’s do this!”

“Dat’s dah spirit!” Kaneo declared.

I sighed and eased myself up, “Fine, I’m in, too. Kenji, clear a table and get out your deck.”

Kenji raised an eyebrow at my left ear, “Why do you think I have a deck on me?”

I grinned right back at him and declared, “Because your motherfucking Kenji.”

+++

Ta-dah! I have repeated a movie for a Couch Special for the holiday season, because I can and it’s a good Christmas movie.

Anyway, this Glenfiddich won’t drink itself. Merry Christmas to all, and a Happy Year, too!

[Mirage_GSM]

Saw Little Lord Fountleroy again yesterday. Didn't remember it had Patrick Steward in it.
Also quite a different Christmas viewing experience than Die Hard.

“Officially sure,” Sarah declared, “but we still have their leftovers to deal with.”
Kaneo, ignoring Sarah’s sanity slippage,

Is it really a sanity slippage when one of those leftovers is still in charge of the country?

Also, finding decent Pizza in Japan is quite the task. I found exactly one place that had them during my stay there, and it was size XS, price XL

Thanks for giving us this story, Merry Christmas!

[Hoitash]

Saw Little Lord Fountleroy again yesterday. Didn't remember it had Patrick Steward in it.
Also quite a different Christmas viewing experience than Die Hard.

“Officially sure,” Sarah declared, “but we still have their leftovers to deal with.”
Kaneo, ignoring Sarah’s sanity slippage,

Is it really a sanity slippage when one of those leftovers is still in charge of the country?

Also, finding decent Pizza in Japan is quite the task. I found exactly one place that had them during my stay there, and it was size XS, price XL

Thanks for giving us this story, Merry Christmas!

You're very welcome! And... ugh, Russia. I miss Mikhail....

Anywho, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a strong enough liver to make it through New Year's (crap I need to buy more booze)!

[Hoitash]

BEHOLD! I LIIIIIIVVVVEEE!

I regret nothing.


Summer Swarm –A Hisao & Kenji Summer Special One-Shot


During one summer break I was sorting through some papers in my home office when Hana stepped onto my threshold. For reasons I never understood, she refused to enter my office unless invited. Looking up from my work, her appearance immediately worried me that something was wrong.

My wife wore her denim jumpsuit for when she worked on her bikes or the cars, which was nothing new. The way she clutched her largest wrench and the panicked look in her eyes sent a chill down my spine, and the smear on the end of the wrench did not bode well, either.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Th-there’s a h-hornet’s n-nest in the t-t-tree,” she stammered, her stutter the worst I’d heard since our youngest daughter’s birth.

I looked out my window, as if I could see the nest from there, then turned back to my wife, “Are the kids inside?”

Hanako managed a jerking nod.

“Good,” I grabbed my cell phone off my desk, “I’ll call an exterminator and see if I can get them to relocate the nest for you.”

“It’s f-fine,” Hanako replied, “I c-called K-Kenji.”

I blinked at my wife, phone still in my hand as a prepared the most articulate response to her statement possible.

“What.”

Hanako frowned, a steel in her eyes that made me swallow.

“I w-w-want th-that n-nest g-gone!” she stammered, “No-no one or n-nothing threatens our k-kids!”

My eyes widened as it finally hit me just how close to a full-blown panic attack Hanako was at that time. Really she was probably already there, and the only thing tethering her was her maternal rage and the massive wrench in her hand.

Since the deed was done, and trying to dissuade her would only get that wrath directed at me- and wrench or not, I learned long ago not to piss of Hanako- I resigned myself to spending my afternoon dealing with Kenji dealing with a nest of giant hornets.

Besides, she had a point; our kids were in danger.

So I stood up and slowly walked over to Hana, “Okay. When Kenji get’s here, we’ll handle it, okay?”

Hanako nodded and closed her eyes, taking a few moments to calm down now that I was on her side. Once she’d settled slightly, I followed her to the kitchen, where she started making tea and baking cookies. She did this while still holding the hornet smeared wrench, but I decided against pointing that out to her. Honestly I had no idea why she was baking cookies in the first place, at least until Kenji called me a few moments later

“Hey, Man,” Kenji’s voice greeted through the receiver, “Hanako told me about the nest. Don’t worry, I’ve got everything we’ll need, and I brought backup.”

“Miya’s helping?” I asked.

Well, someone had to drive him to our place, at least.

“Nah she hates bugs,” Kenji replied, “and she’s terrified of hornets.”

I raised an eyebrow at my partner’s voice, “We’re talking about your wife, right? The woman who’s been shot at and bombed? She’s afraid of hornets?”

“Hey you’ve seen how big those things are,” Kenji retorted, “anyway, we’ll park a few blocks down the road so she and Hisato can circle around and come in through your back yard.”

“Okay…” I said, ignoring my wife’s clattering as she continued to bake with one hand free, one hand clutching a wrench the size of my leg, “So who’s the backup? Wait, you’re bringing Soon-hee?”

Kenji chuckled, “Who do you think is driving?”

I sighed and palmed my forehead, “Is bringing her a good idea?”

“She’ll be fine,” he assured me, “Hey, tell Hisao you got this.”

“Eyes on the road, Hee-chan,” Miya’s voice wafted into the receiver.

“Hi Uncle Hisao!” Soon-hee called, “Heard you got a pest problem, so I told Kenji’s I’d help.”

“See?” Kenji said, “We got this. See you in a bit.”

Before I could say anything else, he ended the call.

I sighed and put away my phone. The scene unraveling before me did not bode well; a legally blind man, a science teacher with a heart condition, and a high school kid against one of the biggest insects infesting Japan.

If Kenji fucked this up, I was breaking his glasses.

[Hoitash]

Part II:

One of the benefits of being a science teacher is I know how to make things. For example, you take a simple squirt bottle, make a few adjustments, fill the thing with bleach, and you have bug spray.

Granted, we had actual bug spray, but that was no fun, and I needed something to distract me from the fact my best friend not only thought bringing his ward along for backup was a good idea, but the fact in order to do that he had to bring along the rest of his family, too.

Getting out of the house to give my wife some distance also factored into the equation.

On the bright side, if the hornets knew martial arts, it’d give Soon-hee a chance to use the Judo moves she couldn’t do at club practice.

Soon-hee stopped a block from the house so Miya and Hisato could double back and come in through the backyard. Kenji and Soon-hee, meanwhile, walked up to the front of the house, Kenji his usual self and his petite, short black haired, darker skinned ward, lugging a box almost as big as her. As in, I couldn’t see her head because the box was just that big.

“Hi Uncle Hisao,” she greeted.

“Hey,” I returned, “Kenji… just… why?”

Kenji blinked at me from behind his extra-thick lenses, “Why? Why would I come to the aid of my best friend and his family? Why would I help your wife when her mechanical skills save me hundreds of yen a year? Why have a chance to test out my latest purchase from one of my more obscure secondhand fences? Do I need a reason for any of that besides I’m motherfucking Kenji?”

“I’m just here to lend an extra pair of hands and haul stuff,” his ward replied, “Aunt Hanako’s not actually making cookies, is she?”

“She is,” I sighed, “fine, you’re here, you have a box, and thus, a plan. What is it?”

Kenji grinned, “My plan is amazing, is what. I have here,” he patted the box still being held by everyone’s favorite resident, “three bee-keeping suits designed for observing African killer bees from Africa. Wearing these, we shall use the garbage bag I brought and load it with a detonation based bug bomb I built for just such an emergency. Soon-hee will hold the bag, you’ll clip the nest outta the tree with some pruning shears, and after she closes the bag I can send them to bug hell.”

I palmed my forehead, unable to form words at the sheer lunacy involved with my day at that point.

“Um, Kenji,” Soon-hee piped up, “this plan seems… involved.”

Someone had to say it.

Kenji, still grinning, patted her head, which earned him a small smile, “Don’t worry, we got this! Right Hisao?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose, “Sure, why not? I learned long ago not to try and fight you on shit like this. Let’s get to the garage and suit up.”

As we headed to the garage my phone buzzed with an email. Picking up my phone, I repressed a sigh and asked Soon-hee what kind of cookies she would like.

“Snickerdoodles, please,” she replied.

I sent my wife her answer as we neared the garage, “Remember not to touch any of Hana’s tools. Soon-hee, you can put the box down over there, please.”

“Okay,” she said, setting the hefty load down near the tarp covered in tools and parts.

Our garage had long ago turned into a combination showroom and workshop for my wife. Tools lined the walls. Besides our children’s bicycles, several motorcycles sat, waiting for either use or maintenance. Our cars barely fit, and in fact Hanao had to pull hers into the driveway or street –where it was at that time- to work on any of them. As her current project looked to involve the chain on a Birmingham, it would probably be out of the garage for some time.

Kenji, after taking in his surroundings as best he could, grinned and struck a dramatic pose, “Alright, team, let’s suit up! We’re fighting not just for the safety of the Nakai House, but for all houses everywhere!”

I rolled my eyes as Soon-hee handed out our suits, “You’ve been stuck behind a desk too much these days.”

Kenji shrugged and donned his bee suit, explaining as he did so, “The suits have a thirty minute air tank to make them as air tight as possible. They can also withstand brief Level One radiation exposure.”

I started trying to put on my own suit while glaring at him, “You said these were bee suits.”

Kenji shrugged, “Bee, radioactive waste disposal, same difference.”

Since arguing with Kenji was about as effective as fighting the tide with a rake, I just put on my suit. Before donning my helmet Kenji had me wait.

“We need to put our helmets into place at the same time,” he explained, “that way our air supplies are better synced.”

I looked to Soon-hee, who, being short, petite, and over half our age, was a serious variable on the whole air thing. Her response to my look was a shrug; she was rolling with whatever Kenji said, and I couldn’t really blame her. Hell, I’d done the same thing far too often in my life.

Oh, and Soon-hee’s suit actually fit her. Somehow.

“Fair enough,” I said, “on your mark, then.”

Kenji nodded once, “Alright, people: one, two, Mark!”

The three of us donned are helmets, and, once sealed, I started breathing air that reminded me of the chemistry lab after a bad experiment.

“Huh,” Soon-hee grunted, her voice dampened by the helmet, “this is cozy. I kinda like it.”

Kenji patted the girl’s helmeted head, “Never underestimate second-hand Russian supplies. Shame I got outbid on that tank, though. Anyway, time to commence the operation! Hisao, grab the pruning shears.”

“This is the dumbest plan you’ve ever come up with,” I grumbled.

“Dumber than Kyoto?” Soon-hee asked.

“Except that, and how do you know about that?”

“Miya-san told me.”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed the shears.

“You need to have more faith, man,” Kenji told me as we left the garage, him holding what could legally be called a bug bomb in certain rural areas of Hokkaido.

I really wish he had let me build it, at least.

“Sure,” I said, “faith in a plan relying on Russian black market supplies. What’s not to question? I don’t suppose we have a backup plan?”

“Of course we do!” Kenji declared, “Now get into position and prepare to snip!”