I certainly plan to, though I need to figure out exactly what I'm doing with where I'm going
Glad as always that people are enjoying this!Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 1/25/17)
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 5/3/16)
Oh I'm just awful at writing anything resembling a mystery!
I certainly plan to, though I need to figure out exactly what I'm doing with where I'm going Glad as always that people are enjoying this!
I certainly plan to, though I need to figure out exactly what I'm doing with where I'm going
Glad as always that people are enjoying this!Gustav Mahler wrote:If you find you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.
Chapter 4: Please Like and Share
Not actually a call to like and share this chapter, mind you But um, you're fine to comment and stuff. Should I break this up into a second post? Because it is kind of long...
Chapter 4: Please Like and Share
“So what exactly are you proposing?” I cross my arms, drawing away from my perch on the window to widen my view of my surroundings.
“Well, we’ll have to do a bit of detective work to make it happen,” She admits, though the glimmer in her eyes is nothing short of horrifying. So this is what the girl looks like when she’s determined about something. “But you’ve given me all sorts of leads already!”
“Leads?” I start to cup my face in agony. She really is diving into this headfirst, isn’t she? “I guess I have no reason to fight this venture, but you might just be wasting your time, Kaede.”
I give her a chiding frown, but her reaction to my words is perhaps a bit sharper than I expected. She seems to lose all of the millions of watts in her attitude for a few moments, the atmosphere of the room growing cool and foreboding again. I’m not so naïve that I don’t know why this is happening either. I’m curious, but we’ve already talked about postponing this talk until the time is right.
That said, I feel I’m starting to put together the pieces bit by bit, and each piece causes my heart to sink considerably. At least, it feels like that. Organs aren’t part of my equation anymore after all.
“I don’t think so, Hisao,” Kaede breaks the uncomfortable silence, much shorter in reality than it felt, smiling and returning to sit on her bed. “To be truthful… I’ve known about the stories of a ghost at Yamaku for a while. It’s been one of the biggest things on my mind in spite of… Well, everything.”
I nod along once again to avoid getting to the “everything” she’s mentioned. Patience, Hisao.
“I guess I should be flattered, eh? I’m pretty sure if I had any other options for interaction you’d come off as a creepy stalker though.” I chuckle, starting to grow bored with simply floating outside her window like a living person might stand. Maybe I should try doing some flips? Then again, I wouldn’t want her to think I’m not taking this seriously.
“Haha,” She gives a very fake-sounding laugh, kicking her legs lightly beneath the bed. “You sure are a charmer, aren’t you?” The intent behind her words is innocent and sarcastic but it stings a bit how deeply it hits the mark.
I should tell her right now about my own suspicions, but something incomprehensible stops me before I can even open my mouth. I hope I don’t come to regret my silence.
“Anything but,” I sigh, these plays at awkwardness highly unwelcome after such an interesting bit of sociability the past few hours. “I guess we’ve not been talking long enough for you to figure that out though. I’m sure nine years of isolation isn’t helping my skill.”
“Probably not, but you’re doing just fine all things considered.” Kaede smiles, looking the part of over-excited middle schooler again. There’s a name for this kind of thing, isn’t there?
“Once again, I’m really not all that flattered,” I shrug, turning to look out at the sky, a limited view from Kaede’s first floor window. “We’re getting distracted here, unless you’ve just been blowing smoke about wanting me to pass on and actually only wanted to talk to me the entire time.”
There’s a surprisingly long pause, but it’s broken before curiosity can get the better of me. I don’t really know how serious such a caesura could be, but it’s probably about time I stopped trying to read into every tiny little reaction this girl has been giving me. As important as it is to know what’s happening with your conversation partners, she is still a teenaged girl, two years younger than me even at the time of my death. Not every little thing has a meaning or has a bearing on the rest of discourse, and the hormones of a teenager further dilute this effect.
“Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’m just trying to think of some ideas though… I must not have gotten as far into this as I thought.”
“Well that’s surprising. It seemed almost like you’d planned out every little facet of this.” I chuckle, though it’s just as fitting that she got too caught up in the excitement to think things through all the way. It saddens me to think of how quickly life can make such recklessness not only unacceptable, but, in my case, deadly.
While I’m thinking on it, whatever happened to those “leads” she mentioned so excitedly before?
“I thought I had too, but,” There’s another pause, and I have to imagine rather than witness her putting a finger to her chin in contemplation. Strangely frustrating as filling the gaps in like this is, I don’t feel like tearing my eyes from sky as it grows increasingly dark. “Oh! I guess I could get your opinion on the matter too, right? It’s not like I know as much about being a ghost.”
“I don’t really know much more than you,” I frown, though the statement probably seems ridiculous to her. “It’s not like I died and then immediately was handed a manual on how to be a spirit.”
“You’ve had some time to get used to it though,” She murmurs, sounding unsure of herself and starting to display a bit more of what I had previously assumed was her default social state. “I’m just asking though if there’s anything you can think of that would be a help, y’know?”
“Anything to help me pass on?” A light “Mhm” is my only response, but it’s sufficient to put the burden of response back into my court. “Well, what kinds of things would normally work? I’m assuming we’re going off of the usual fictional stuff when it comes to this, right?”
“If you know what they are then there’s not much use of me telling you, is there?”
“So, you’re just afraid to say anything aloud?” I turn and give her a slightly incredulous look, but the blush on her cheeks is much more playfully bashful than outright embarrassed.
It would be good to stop pretending I know this girl’s reactions ahead of time all that well, I decide.
“It’s not that… Okay, it’s partly that,” For a moment I’m left to wonder just what kinds of perverted thoughts might be flowing through Kaede’s head right now. They’re certainly not worse than mine, though. “It’s mostly just that I’d rather hear what you think without suggesting something first. I don’t know why but it just feels like I’d be trying to steer our course of action in a way befitting me, y’know?”
“That’s… Actually, surprisingly considerate,” I’m not sure what she’s imagining might happen, but it’s best not to waste much mental effort on it. “You kind of lost a bit of that when you admitted you were partly afraid to say what you were thinking though.”
“I guess I can live with that.” My quip is met by another, and I have to stifle a genuine chuckle as I formulate my own response to her putting me on the spot.
Of course, this all raises the question of what exactly could be keeping me tied to the physical realm like this. It should be obvious, yet I’m drawing blanks in this moment, and it only takes me a few moments to realize why such a simple question has me struggling; the answer is more complex than anything I could possibly imagine. Why am I tied to Yamaku if not for the regrets I had in life, right?
The more I think about my regrets though, the more I start to realize that there is no shortlist of events and other happenings in my life that I ended up regretting. I regret losing my old school life. I regret losing my first girlfriend. To a much lesser extent, I regret having to give up on soccer.
Even combined, these three factors don’t seem to add up. I didn’t have much control over them, and even as cynical as I could be I never once felt like it was my fault, or that it was something that could truly be helped. It’s strange to think about, but the only reason I can’t think of to name these off is simply that they just don’t feel right.
Why is it I’ve starting focusing on feeling so much, come to think of it? The last months of my life were a whirlwind, and yet despite this knowledge I can sum them up in a few words. Cold. Numb. Unfeeling.
By all rights I should have been doing something, reacting somehow to all the bullshit life decided to throw my way in my last few months connected to it. Yet every time I think on it, I remember how I was, the cold, uncaring, abrasive transfer student.
It makes me want to cry now, but it’s not as if I have the physical motors available to sob ever again.
“Everything,” I murmur, wanting to collapse into a hole and die, as if I haven’t already died once before. “I can’t think of anything I did that I don’t regret. I should have just stayed in that damned hospital…”
There’s a welling anger inside me, and I already feel too acutely where it’s about to be directed. I turn away from the window, attempting to float away back to my roof before my instincts get the better of me again and I drive away human companionship once again. Hisao, the misanthrope, doomed to his eternity as a hermit on the rooftop where he fell to his death.
“Don’t go,” A firm voice calls out from behind, low and sounding terrifyingly close to breaking. “Hisao.”
I turn about suddenly, the fury nearly boiling to the surface, but two things happen that keep these negative, hateful thoughts plugged away. First, there’s my own recognition and fear over the consequences of what will happen should I say them.
Second, and a lot more surprisingly, Kaede has reached out an arm in what should be a fruitless attempt to keep me rooted to the spot. Of course, by virtue of touching my incorporeal form, I unwittingly find myself in partial possession of her body, something I could have sworn she considered highly undesirable before, yet I sense no animosity from her.
I suppose I’m reaching a bit too far in my ability to share sensations with my “hosts,” but the uncertain determination I feel from her is unmistakable. Her other hand grips her cane carefully, shaking on the handle nervously.
“I’m sorry… I tried to be considerate and I just made it worse, didn’t I?” I feel a strange flow over my cheeks, and I realize they’re the tears falling across Kaede’s young face, equally soiling its beauty as well as lending it a new quality. Endearment, perhaps?
It’s only now that I realize that my face had been contorting in worrying ways and that I’d been ignoring her increasingly desperate voices of concern. The suddenness of her reaction becomes a bit less unbelievable, and guilt starts to reel through me.
“Kaede, it’s fine,” I offer a smile, surprisingly difficult when done in juxtaposition with the sobbing I have to share with her. “I got carried away is all… It’s easy to do that as a ghost.”
Really, it seems like it’s pretty easy for both of us to get carried away. Her tears are less sudden than I first suspected, but she’s still crying rather quickly considering we’ve only known each other a short time…
“I just… Okay, alright…” She nods, trying to calm and collect herself now, pulling her hand away as best she can before wiping away some of the tears. I would offer to do the same, but circumstances naturally dictate I’m completely unable to do so.
“Are you going to be fine?” I move as closely to the window as I can manage before the troublesome barrier that is the girls’ dorm stops me.
“I’ve screwed up too many times before, Hisao,” She answers, and it takes me a moment to start to realize why this is actually a relevant answer. “I’ve driven so many people away before and so many of them already go here and…” She’s making another effort to start crying again, but I’ve figured it out now. This girl, whether she realizes it or not, is a lot like I am.
“Like I was.” I try to mentally readjust that statement, but now’s not the time for semantics.
“I’m sorry Kaede… I let myself get too introspective and I thought I might hurt you if I did,” I try to reach inside once again, but even if I could it’s not like I could wipe away those heart-wrenching tears of hers. “I guess I tried to be too considerate too.”
The chuckle I offer this time seems to be terribly effective, and Kaede starts to laugh a bit with me. There’s still a bit of hurt, but it seems the crisis has been averted, for the most part.
That said, even in death you’ve managed to make a girl cry, Hisao. There’s no hope for you anymore.
“What the hell is wrong with us if we’re doing the exact same things and stumbling all over ourselves like this?” She grins, gaining back some of that surprisingly confident vigor and, most importantly, infecting me with her returned good mood.
“I’m just a cold asshole, I don’t know what’s up with you,” I shrug, finally feeling comfortable enough to breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t know how or why things ended up like this, but it’s good we’ve figured our shit out before something drastic could happen. My statement seems to give her some sort of idea, but I have one of my own to offer first. “I don’t know how helpful it will be, but there is something I’ve been dying to know since I… Well, died.”
The bad pun doesn’t get so much of a snicker as it seems to simply lighten the mood, but at the very least I don’t have to immediately point out that my statement isn’t exactly accurate.
“What would that be?” She raises her brow after a moment of collection, settling back on her bed, resting that supporting cane of hers against the frame.
“I had a bit of a unique circumstance before my heart attack, during my heart attack, actually.”
This seems to have piqued her interest, and strangely enough I find myself enjoying the fact that I’ve got a captive audience rather than lamenting how awkwardly embarrassing said captive audience’s enthusiasm is.
Oh, I think I remember what the “disease” was called. It reminds me a little too well of a certain anti-feminist who may or may not be the real reason I’m dead.
Somehow, that’s entirely beside the current point, however.
“Um,” I bite my lip, suddenly remembering the cliché embarrassment behind this detail. Fortunately enough, I’m not too concerned about something so petty right now. “I had the heart attack while I was being confessed to by a girl from my old school.”
This isn’t really the most important part of my story, but I wouldn’t be able to guess that from Kaede’s rollercoaster of a reaction. At first she starts to snicker and covers her face after a muffled verbal apology that I can’t make out. From there, she seems to catch a moment of realization, her eyes going wide and her breath slowing to a controlled but not relaxed pace.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Those words are perfectly expected, but the pout she offers along with it seems a bit inappropriate for the question somehow.
“Absolutely serious. Believe me or not, but I was actually just barely popular enough that I managed to get a confession from a girl,” I start to mumble a bit thinking of the reality of it. “Kind of fitting that almost did me in first.”
The chilling atmosphere doesn’t last too long before I manage to break the silence. Am I learning?
“Anyway, that isn’t so much the important part I guess. What is important though is something that I received from her after I died.” I cross my arms, frowning at the memories of my despair from then. It all seems so ridiculous to think of now, yet it’s undeniable how desperately hopeless I felt then.
To some extent, I guess I still feel that way a bit. That’s been changing a lot these past couple of weeks.
“Something you received? Like a letter?”
“So those glasses aren’t just for show,” I snicker a bit, Kaede sputtering in response and resuming that surprisingly adorable pout of hers. “It was a letter though, definitely from her.”
“What did it…? Oh, wait a minute. You don’t know what it said, right?” I don’t think I’ll ever regret giving her intelligence breadcrumbs if she’s going to connect the dots this readily on her own from now on. As a negative, I don’t get to hear my own voice as often…
Okay, I think that’s enough with the narcissism today, Hisao. It’s hopelessly unbecoming.
“Exactly. It’s a bit hard to open a letter when you can’t exactly interact too much with the physical world. This was before I had any clue I could possess objects, or before I had the ability to, I guess.” I stroke my chin in contemplation of that for a moment; it never really was that clear whether it was always latent and I was just bad at it or that it was something I had to acquire.
“So you want to read that letter?” She raises her eyebrow, a healthy dose of apprehension working into her expression.
“I’m not really sure where it’s gone… And it’s been almost nine years since it arrived.” I admit, biting my lip and feeling a lot less enthusiastic after seeing the way she’s practically deflated faced with the difficult of indulging this whim.
“I’m sure there’s some leads,” She smiles, suddenly reaching for her desk and rummaging about for a notepad, which she places in her lap. “How did you come across the letter in the first place?”
“There was a small memorial of sorts around where I was found, I guess,” I never really knew for sure why they placed the memorial where they did since it was a bit off-center, though I suppose the existence of police tape meant they couldn’t just put it right where my body was. “It lasted a few weeks. The letter was placed against it about a week later, the sender’s name was pretty easy to see and it was definitely made out to my address here.”
Kaede simply nods along with each new bit of information, and eventually I’ve completely filled in every little detail I can remember. As far as I know, it’s every detail that’s possibly available to go off of.
“So the letter was moved away before the memorial was finally put aside?” She taps her pen to her cheek while I nod as my only response. A long hum comes next, and she seems to be deep in thought through its duration.
“Any ideas for that?” I angle my eyebrows curiously at her, getting a shrug as response.
“I’m sure I’ll be able to find out even more with some time in the library. What was the name of this girl, by the way?”
“Iwanako.” I start after a moment before pausing, uncertain exactly where to go from there. Did I really manage to forget her surname when it might be such an important detail? Better to give a rough approximation and some information about my old high school, I decide.
“Alright,” Kaede smiles, closing up her notebook for the time being and laying back on her bed, letting a few moments of silence pass between us. I take that chance to look back outside and see that it’s well and truly night time by now. “I think that’s a good start, Hisao. You can go now if you’d like.”
I nod, turning away from the window and looking out at over the rest of Yamaku’s campus. Through our talks the sky has transformed from a canvas of dark crimson and ochre streaks to a more hushed purple, the Sun seemingly long gone. Have we really been here that long?
“I really should just tell you now and save the big mystery.” Her voice breaks me out of a stupor yet again, a sigh of resignation that’s heavy with apprehension.
“You don’t have to tell me anything if you’d rather not,” I frown, rubbing the bridge of my nose for a moment. I know what this talk is going to lead to, but I already know plenty enough, and I don’t want to rush anything. Then again, trying to keep my own condition bottled up and hidden away lost me a couple potential friends. How different could my festival have been if I hadn’t?
“I’m undeniably curious, but I think you’ve left plenty to think about already. You’re clearly pretty exhausted.” There’s no use worrying about it too much, and in any case this is now, not then.
Kaede blinks, her eyes wide. It seems she wasn’t entirely expecting this response, but I can tell the excitable little occult enthusiast is breathing a sigh of relief inside.
“I suppose so… I can hardly blame you for being curious, but I won’t press the issue either if you’re not ready to find out.” She smiled, looking down across her desk and taking a deep breath.
“I don’t think you should be worrying about how ready I am to find out,” I murmur, shrugging and crossing my arms with a smirk. “From the looks of it, you’re the one who needs some time.”
“And I am a little beat.” She yawns, leaning back with eyes to the ceiling. I can’t get much of an angle to see if there’s something up there to stare at without moving around too awkwardly, but I’m imagining it’s just as bare a ceiling as any at Yamaku.
I suppose I shouldn’t use my own personal experience to gauge the reality of this school. Weird habits just don’t go away no matter how hard I think I fight them.
Kaede chuckles, a little lifelessly given her exhaustion. I suppose my lack of response is telling enough by now.
“I’ll catch you tomorrow,” She smiles, returning to close the window, hanging her head out into the fresh air a touch. Her eyes sparkle in spite of the dull lighting, and for a moment I get this feeling that she looks incredibly… Hopeful? “And Hisao?”
“Yeah?” I blink, too baffled to really offer a more advanced response.
“Thanks for entertaining a crazy girl’s whims. It means a lot.” She nods and closes her eyes, drawing back through the window as the glass replaces her head. I have barely enough time to nod along, much less mutter a response.
Instead, I opt for a smirk, nodding along silently as I turn around.
“Thanks too.” I hum, beginning to float back to my home on the roof. For the first time in nine years I’m feeling something resembling a drive, and it feels damn good.
But um, you're fine to comment and stuff. Should I break this up into a second post? Because it is kind of long...Chapter 4: Please Like and Share
“So what exactly are you proposing?” I cross my arms, drawing away from my perch on the window to widen my view of my surroundings.
“Well, we’ll have to do a bit of detective work to make it happen,” She admits, though the glimmer in her eyes is nothing short of horrifying. So this is what the girl looks like when she’s determined about something. “But you’ve given me all sorts of leads already!”
“Leads?” I start to cup my face in agony. She really is diving into this headfirst, isn’t she? “I guess I have no reason to fight this venture, but you might just be wasting your time, Kaede.”
I give her a chiding frown, but her reaction to my words is perhaps a bit sharper than I expected. She seems to lose all of the millions of watts in her attitude for a few moments, the atmosphere of the room growing cool and foreboding again. I’m not so naïve that I don’t know why this is happening either. I’m curious, but we’ve already talked about postponing this talk until the time is right.
That said, I feel I’m starting to put together the pieces bit by bit, and each piece causes my heart to sink considerably. At least, it feels like that. Organs aren’t part of my equation anymore after all.
“I don’t think so, Hisao,” Kaede breaks the uncomfortable silence, much shorter in reality than it felt, smiling and returning to sit on her bed. “To be truthful… I’ve known about the stories of a ghost at Yamaku for a while. It’s been one of the biggest things on my mind in spite of… Well, everything.”
I nod along once again to avoid getting to the “everything” she’s mentioned. Patience, Hisao.
“I guess I should be flattered, eh? I’m pretty sure if I had any other options for interaction you’d come off as a creepy stalker though.” I chuckle, starting to grow bored with simply floating outside her window like a living person might stand. Maybe I should try doing some flips? Then again, I wouldn’t want her to think I’m not taking this seriously.
“Haha,” She gives a very fake-sounding laugh, kicking her legs lightly beneath the bed. “You sure are a charmer, aren’t you?” The intent behind her words is innocent and sarcastic but it stings a bit how deeply it hits the mark.
I should tell her right now about my own suspicions, but something incomprehensible stops me before I can even open my mouth. I hope I don’t come to regret my silence.
“Anything but,” I sigh, these plays at awkwardness highly unwelcome after such an interesting bit of sociability the past few hours. “I guess we’ve not been talking long enough for you to figure that out though. I’m sure nine years of isolation isn’t helping my skill.”
“Probably not, but you’re doing just fine all things considered.” Kaede smiles, looking the part of over-excited middle schooler again. There’s a name for this kind of thing, isn’t there?
“Once again, I’m really not all that flattered,” I shrug, turning to look out at the sky, a limited view from Kaede’s first floor window. “We’re getting distracted here, unless you’ve just been blowing smoke about wanting me to pass on and actually only wanted to talk to me the entire time.”
There’s a surprisingly long pause, but it’s broken before curiosity can get the better of me. I don’t really know how serious such a caesura could be, but it’s probably about time I stopped trying to read into every tiny little reaction this girl has been giving me. As important as it is to know what’s happening with your conversation partners, she is still a teenaged girl, two years younger than me even at the time of my death. Not every little thing has a meaning or has a bearing on the rest of discourse, and the hormones of a teenager further dilute this effect.
“Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’m just trying to think of some ideas though… I must not have gotten as far into this as I thought.”
“Well that’s surprising. It seemed almost like you’d planned out every little facet of this.” I chuckle, though it’s just as fitting that she got too caught up in the excitement to think things through all the way. It saddens me to think of how quickly life can make such recklessness not only unacceptable, but, in my case, deadly.
While I’m thinking on it, whatever happened to those “leads” she mentioned so excitedly before?
“I thought I had too, but,” There’s another pause, and I have to imagine rather than witness her putting a finger to her chin in contemplation. Strangely frustrating as filling the gaps in like this is, I don’t feel like tearing my eyes from sky as it grows increasingly dark. “Oh! I guess I could get your opinion on the matter too, right? It’s not like I know as much about being a ghost.”
“I don’t really know much more than you,” I frown, though the statement probably seems ridiculous to her. “It’s not like I died and then immediately was handed a manual on how to be a spirit.”
“You’ve had some time to get used to it though,” She murmurs, sounding unsure of herself and starting to display a bit more of what I had previously assumed was her default social state. “I’m just asking though if there’s anything you can think of that would be a help, y’know?”
“Anything to help me pass on?” A light “Mhm” is my only response, but it’s sufficient to put the burden of response back into my court. “Well, what kinds of things would normally work? I’m assuming we’re going off of the usual fictional stuff when it comes to this, right?”
“If you know what they are then there’s not much use of me telling you, is there?”
“So, you’re just afraid to say anything aloud?” I turn and give her a slightly incredulous look, but the blush on her cheeks is much more playfully bashful than outright embarrassed.
It would be good to stop pretending I know this girl’s reactions ahead of time all that well, I decide.
“It’s not that… Okay, it’s partly that,” For a moment I’m left to wonder just what kinds of perverted thoughts might be flowing through Kaede’s head right now. They’re certainly not worse than mine, though. “It’s mostly just that I’d rather hear what you think without suggesting something first. I don’t know why but it just feels like I’d be trying to steer our course of action in a way befitting me, y’know?”
“That’s… Actually, surprisingly considerate,” I’m not sure what she’s imagining might happen, but it’s best not to waste much mental effort on it. “You kind of lost a bit of that when you admitted you were partly afraid to say what you were thinking though.”
“I guess I can live with that.” My quip is met by another, and I have to stifle a genuine chuckle as I formulate my own response to her putting me on the spot.
Of course, this all raises the question of what exactly could be keeping me tied to the physical realm like this. It should be obvious, yet I’m drawing blanks in this moment, and it only takes me a few moments to realize why such a simple question has me struggling; the answer is more complex than anything I could possibly imagine. Why am I tied to Yamaku if not for the regrets I had in life, right?
The more I think about my regrets though, the more I start to realize that there is no shortlist of events and other happenings in my life that I ended up regretting. I regret losing my old school life. I regret losing my first girlfriend. To a much lesser extent, I regret having to give up on soccer.
Even combined, these three factors don’t seem to add up. I didn’t have much control over them, and even as cynical as I could be I never once felt like it was my fault, or that it was something that could truly be helped. It’s strange to think about, but the only reason I can’t think of to name these off is simply that they just don’t feel right.
Why is it I’ve starting focusing on feeling so much, come to think of it? The last months of my life were a whirlwind, and yet despite this knowledge I can sum them up in a few words. Cold. Numb. Unfeeling.
By all rights I should have been doing something, reacting somehow to all the bullshit life decided to throw my way in my last few months connected to it. Yet every time I think on it, I remember how I was, the cold, uncaring, abrasive transfer student.
It makes me want to cry now, but it’s not as if I have the physical motors available to sob ever again.
“Everything,” I murmur, wanting to collapse into a hole and die, as if I haven’t already died once before. “I can’t think of anything I did that I don’t regret. I should have just stayed in that damned hospital…”
There’s a welling anger inside me, and I already feel too acutely where it’s about to be directed. I turn away from the window, attempting to float away back to my roof before my instincts get the better of me again and I drive away human companionship once again. Hisao, the misanthrope, doomed to his eternity as a hermit on the rooftop where he fell to his death.
“Don’t go,” A firm voice calls out from behind, low and sounding terrifyingly close to breaking. “Hisao.”
I turn about suddenly, the fury nearly boiling to the surface, but two things happen that keep these negative, hateful thoughts plugged away. First, there’s my own recognition and fear over the consequences of what will happen should I say them.
Second, and a lot more surprisingly, Kaede has reached out an arm in what should be a fruitless attempt to keep me rooted to the spot. Of course, by virtue of touching my incorporeal form, I unwittingly find myself in partial possession of her body, something I could have sworn she considered highly undesirable before, yet I sense no animosity from her.
I suppose I’m reaching a bit too far in my ability to share sensations with my “hosts,” but the uncertain determination I feel from her is unmistakable. Her other hand grips her cane carefully, shaking on the handle nervously.
“I’m sorry… I tried to be considerate and I just made it worse, didn’t I?” I feel a strange flow over my cheeks, and I realize they’re the tears falling across Kaede’s young face, equally soiling its beauty as well as lending it a new quality. Endearment, perhaps?
It’s only now that I realize that my face had been contorting in worrying ways and that I’d been ignoring her increasingly desperate voices of concern. The suddenness of her reaction becomes a bit less unbelievable, and guilt starts to reel through me.
“Kaede, it’s fine,” I offer a smile, surprisingly difficult when done in juxtaposition with the sobbing I have to share with her. “I got carried away is all… It’s easy to do that as a ghost.”
Really, it seems like it’s pretty easy for both of us to get carried away. Her tears are less sudden than I first suspected, but she’s still crying rather quickly considering we’ve only known each other a short time…
“I just… Okay, alright…” She nods, trying to calm and collect herself now, pulling her hand away as best she can before wiping away some of the tears. I would offer to do the same, but circumstances naturally dictate I’m completely unable to do so.
“Are you going to be fine?” I move as closely to the window as I can manage before the troublesome barrier that is the girls’ dorm stops me.
“I’ve screwed up too many times before, Hisao,” She answers, and it takes me a moment to start to realize why this is actually a relevant answer. “I’ve driven so many people away before and so many of them already go here and…” She’s making another effort to start crying again, but I’ve figured it out now. This girl, whether she realizes it or not, is a lot like I am.
“Like I was.” I try to mentally readjust that statement, but now’s not the time for semantics.
“I’m sorry Kaede… I let myself get too introspective and I thought I might hurt you if I did,” I try to reach inside once again, but even if I could it’s not like I could wipe away those heart-wrenching tears of hers. “I guess I tried to be too considerate too.”
The chuckle I offer this time seems to be terribly effective, and Kaede starts to laugh a bit with me. There’s still a bit of hurt, but it seems the crisis has been averted, for the most part.
That said, even in death you’ve managed to make a girl cry, Hisao. There’s no hope for you anymore.
“What the hell is wrong with us if we’re doing the exact same things and stumbling all over ourselves like this?” She grins, gaining back some of that surprisingly confident vigor and, most importantly, infecting me with her returned good mood.
“I’m just a cold asshole, I don’t know what’s up with you,” I shrug, finally feeling comfortable enough to breathe a sigh of relief. I don’t know how or why things ended up like this, but it’s good we’ve figured our shit out before something drastic could happen. My statement seems to give her some sort of idea, but I have one of my own to offer first. “I don’t know how helpful it will be, but there is something I’ve been dying to know since I… Well, died.”
The bad pun doesn’t get so much of a snicker as it seems to simply lighten the mood, but at the very least I don’t have to immediately point out that my statement isn’t exactly accurate.
“What would that be?” She raises her brow after a moment of collection, settling back on her bed, resting that supporting cane of hers against the frame.
“I had a bit of a unique circumstance before my heart attack, during my heart attack, actually.”
This seems to have piqued her interest, and strangely enough I find myself enjoying the fact that I’ve got a captive audience rather than lamenting how awkwardly embarrassing said captive audience’s enthusiasm is.
Oh, I think I remember what the “disease” was called. It reminds me a little too well of a certain anti-feminist who may or may not be the real reason I’m dead.
Somehow, that’s entirely beside the current point, however.
“Um,” I bite my lip, suddenly remembering the cliché embarrassment behind this detail. Fortunately enough, I’m not too concerned about something so petty right now. “I had the heart attack while I was being confessed to by a girl from my old school.”
This isn’t really the most important part of my story, but I wouldn’t be able to guess that from Kaede’s rollercoaster of a reaction. At first she starts to snicker and covers her face after a muffled verbal apology that I can’t make out. From there, she seems to catch a moment of realization, her eyes going wide and her breath slowing to a controlled but not relaxed pace.
“You’re serious, aren’t you?” Those words are perfectly expected, but the pout she offers along with it seems a bit inappropriate for the question somehow.
“Absolutely serious. Believe me or not, but I was actually just barely popular enough that I managed to get a confession from a girl,” I start to mumble a bit thinking of the reality of it. “Kind of fitting that almost did me in first.”
The chilling atmosphere doesn’t last too long before I manage to break the silence. Am I learning?
“Anyway, that isn’t so much the important part I guess. What is important though is something that I received from her after I died.” I cross my arms, frowning at the memories of my despair from then. It all seems so ridiculous to think of now, yet it’s undeniable how desperately hopeless I felt then.
To some extent, I guess I still feel that way a bit. That’s been changing a lot these past couple of weeks.
“Something you received? Like a letter?”
“So those glasses aren’t just for show,” I snicker a bit, Kaede sputtering in response and resuming that surprisingly adorable pout of hers. “It was a letter though, definitely from her.”
“What did it…? Oh, wait a minute. You don’t know what it said, right?” I don’t think I’ll ever regret giving her intelligence breadcrumbs if she’s going to connect the dots this readily on her own from now on. As a negative, I don’t get to hear my own voice as often…
Okay, I think that’s enough with the narcissism today, Hisao. It’s hopelessly unbecoming.
“Exactly. It’s a bit hard to open a letter when you can’t exactly interact too much with the physical world. This was before I had any clue I could possess objects, or before I had the ability to, I guess.” I stroke my chin in contemplation of that for a moment; it never really was that clear whether it was always latent and I was just bad at it or that it was something I had to acquire.
“So you want to read that letter?” She raises her eyebrow, a healthy dose of apprehension working into her expression.
“I’m not really sure where it’s gone… And it’s been almost nine years since it arrived.” I admit, biting my lip and feeling a lot less enthusiastic after seeing the way she’s practically deflated faced with the difficult of indulging this whim.
“I’m sure there’s some leads,” She smiles, suddenly reaching for her desk and rummaging about for a notepad, which she places in her lap. “How did you come across the letter in the first place?”
“There was a small memorial of sorts around where I was found, I guess,” I never really knew for sure why they placed the memorial where they did since it was a bit off-center, though I suppose the existence of police tape meant they couldn’t just put it right where my body was. “It lasted a few weeks. The letter was placed against it about a week later, the sender’s name was pretty easy to see and it was definitely made out to my address here.”
Kaede simply nods along with each new bit of information, and eventually I’ve completely filled in every little detail I can remember. As far as I know, it’s every detail that’s possibly available to go off of.
“So the letter was moved away before the memorial was finally put aside?” She taps her pen to her cheek while I nod as my only response. A long hum comes next, and she seems to be deep in thought through its duration.
“Any ideas for that?” I angle my eyebrows curiously at her, getting a shrug as response.
“I’m sure I’ll be able to find out even more with some time in the library. What was the name of this girl, by the way?”
“Iwanako.” I start after a moment before pausing, uncertain exactly where to go from there. Did I really manage to forget her surname when it might be such an important detail? Better to give a rough approximation and some information about my old high school, I decide.
“Alright,” Kaede smiles, closing up her notebook for the time being and laying back on her bed, letting a few moments of silence pass between us. I take that chance to look back outside and see that it’s well and truly night time by now. “I think that’s a good start, Hisao. You can go now if you’d like.”
I nod, turning away from the window and looking out at over the rest of Yamaku’s campus. Through our talks the sky has transformed from a canvas of dark crimson and ochre streaks to a more hushed purple, the Sun seemingly long gone. Have we really been here that long?
“I really should just tell you now and save the big mystery.” Her voice breaks me out of a stupor yet again, a sigh of resignation that’s heavy with apprehension.
“You don’t have to tell me anything if you’d rather not,” I frown, rubbing the bridge of my nose for a moment. I know what this talk is going to lead to, but I already know plenty enough, and I don’t want to rush anything. Then again, trying to keep my own condition bottled up and hidden away lost me a couple potential friends. How different could my festival have been if I hadn’t?
“I’m undeniably curious, but I think you’ve left plenty to think about already. You’re clearly pretty exhausted.” There’s no use worrying about it too much, and in any case this is now, not then.
Kaede blinks, her eyes wide. It seems she wasn’t entirely expecting this response, but I can tell the excitable little occult enthusiast is breathing a sigh of relief inside.
“I suppose so… I can hardly blame you for being curious, but I won’t press the issue either if you’re not ready to find out.” She smiled, looking down across her desk and taking a deep breath.
“I don’t think you should be worrying about how ready I am to find out,” I murmur, shrugging and crossing my arms with a smirk. “From the looks of it, you’re the one who needs some time.”
“And I am a little beat.” She yawns, leaning back with eyes to the ceiling. I can’t get much of an angle to see if there’s something up there to stare at without moving around too awkwardly, but I’m imagining it’s just as bare a ceiling as any at Yamaku.
I suppose I shouldn’t use my own personal experience to gauge the reality of this school. Weird habits just don’t go away no matter how hard I think I fight them.
Kaede chuckles, a little lifelessly given her exhaustion. I suppose my lack of response is telling enough by now.
“I’ll catch you tomorrow,” She smiles, returning to close the window, hanging her head out into the fresh air a touch. Her eyes sparkle in spite of the dull lighting, and for a moment I get this feeling that she looks incredibly… Hopeful? “And Hisao?”
“Yeah?” I blink, too baffled to really offer a more advanced response.
“Thanks for entertaining a crazy girl’s whims. It means a lot.” She nods and closes her eyes, drawing back through the window as the glass replaces her head. I have barely enough time to nod along, much less mutter a response.
Instead, I opt for a smirk, nodding along silently as I turn around.
“Thanks too.” I hum, beginning to float back to my home on the roof. For the first time in nine years I’m feeling something resembling a drive, and it feels damn good.
Gustav Mahler wrote:If you find you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 1/21/17)
Good news everyone!
After an incredibly long hiatus, I have chapter 5 in first draft mode! I'm putting it into proofreading right now, but just to bring it to everybody's attention; Chapters 3 and 4 are a little different now!
Some of what happened during the first draft of this story has not actually happened yet thanks to to the very kind writing advice I've gotten from an internet stranger.
In any case, I'm really thrilled to be back into writing! I hope you enjoy the new results!
After an incredibly long hiatus, I have chapter 5 in first draft mode! I'm putting it into proofreading right now, but just to bring it to everybody's attention; Chapters 3 and 4 are a little different now!
Some of what happened during the first draft of this story has not actually happened yet thanks to to the very kind writing advice I've gotten from an internet stranger.
In any case, I'm really thrilled to be back into writing! I hope you enjoy the new results!
Gustav Mahler wrote:If you find you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.
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Hesmiyu
- Posts: 179
- Joined: Wed Jun 17, 2015 7:07 am
- Location: England, United Kingdom, British Isles, Europe, Earth, Milky Way Galaxy
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 1/21/17)
Oooo, another fic revived. I had forgotten I was even subscribed to this 
. Guess I'll reread it after finished others on list 
. Guess I'll reread it after finished others on list The line below is false.
The line above is true.
Being disabled is just differently abled differently labelled.
My art: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=51&t=10190
Swim story(Currently 11 chapters long) http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=10221
The line above is true.
Being disabled is just differently abled differently labelled.
My art: http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=51&t=10190
Swim story(Currently 11 chapters long) http://ks.renai.us/viewtopic.php?f=52&t=10221
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FISCHERWMT
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Sat Jun 13, 2015 11:06 am
- Location: Michigan and Arizona
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 1/21/17)
Glad to see you back. Hope he can get her involved with the living and him to pass.
Enjoying!
Enjoying!
Chapter 5: Bubble Bust (1/21/2017)
For those about to read: I'd just like to remind you one more time that chapters 3 and 4 have seen relatively minor edits that changed the course of this story, but ultimately should make those chapters roll off better. If you find yourself confused because I'm not addressing something important in this chapter, check those out again because that something might not have actually happened yet
Chapter 5: Bubble Bust
Summer vacation at Yamaku Academy is surprisingly quiet, even in the context of Japanese high schools.
I suppose I only have my old high school to base this off of, but it’s an uncanny thing to witness when you’re stuck in the same place for years and years at a time. When I was still in the soccer club, we devoted the entire last week of break to a training camp, but I’ve yet to see more than a single athletic type a day working their ass off with about six days to go.
It makes sense that Yamaku would be more forgiving with its club members considering… Everything, really, but even without the noisy sports-making, it feels like I hardly see a soul anymore.
A great number of Yamaku students stay on campus during break, including Kaede herself for about the first week, but they’re almost more elusive than the aforementioned crazy ones sweating themselves into oblivion at ungodly hours of the morning. It’s hardly surprising that some of the students here are pretty shut in, but to this extent?
Look at you, Hisao; you’re starting to sound like a parent. How remarkably unbecoming is that?
Ultimately, the net result of all this inactivity has me scratching through days and days of boredom. I try to put this into perspective and remind myself that entire years went by without even half as much to do as now, but it isn’t helping. From our final talks, Kaede and I have actually made something resembling progress in figuring this situation out, and I’m champing for more.
Of course, with all of that said I’m starting to worry that Kaede is getting flustered finding out what to do next. We haven’t seen each other every day or the like, and with good enough reason I feel, but when we do talk she seems incredibly dismissive.
“I’ll get to it over break. You’ll have to trust me.” She warned, or otherwise implored me to do the last time we spoke.
What’s a ghost to say to that? Even now that’s what’s sticking out in my head the most from any of our previous conversations. Our talks were never the most interesting of engagements, mostly because they served primarily to sate my need, and possibly Kaede’s too, for human interaction, but whenever we did get down to business they simply devolved into tedious lectures.
Not just the lectures, but the assurances that she knew what she was doing and she’d enact her plan over break. It’s break now, and I should trust Kaede even a little bit, but I just can’t shake this feeling that I’ll get burned for it. The Sun’s rising in the distance isn’t doing much to help with these depressive thoughts.
What’s bothering me the most about her behavior is how she just won’t tell me anything about her plans, assuming she even has any. If she had offered even a sliver of information about what she was doing then I might not be so anxious to get some kind of news already with a week of break left.
While it’s too late to learn what was and is going through her head right this very moment, I do have a thought on accomplishing that in the future. My forays into possession have always been rather short; no more than a minute at a time as far as I can remember. I know I’m able to see and experience the world through the lens of the person I’ve possessed, but what about seeing into their innermost thoughts and machinations?
I can recall vague feelings and sensations even from the times I was joined with Kaede, much of it warmth or anxiety that’s understandable enough to experience in the presence of ghost, knowingly or not. I could even force them to do things against their will, which led directly to my apparent reputation as Yamaku’s resident spirit. Focusing on their thoughts specifically instead of any of these other things though never truly crossed my mind.
It’s a fascinating thought, and it might even be worth testing out. It would reveal a lot that I haven’t been able to divine from social cues alone for sure, both about Kaede’s plans and about other, more personal concerns…
Is what I’m considering doing really right? Morally speaking, this level of invasion of privacy is completely reprehensible, but should such a rule really apply to me? Should I really be worrying about some kind of divine retribution for this, or should I do whatever it takes now to achieve my goals? I can’t really tell… But it doesn’t feel right to throw away the guiding principles from my life so easily.
If anything, I should at least figure out if it’s something I’m capable of doing, even if I don’t truly plan on taking advantage of it. This brings me back to the dilemma that is Yamaku’s hopelessly quiet summer vacation atmosphere. Where the hell am I going to find somebody to even test this out on, especially without them noticing?
I haven’t even given that due consideration up to this point either, really. Every time before now that I’ve possessed somebody, they’ve known right away something was up, and in one case I wasn’t even the one that instigated the action… It makes me wonder if it can even be done.
Then again, if I can play myself off like some kind of half-foreboding feeling, maybe my unwitting test subject will get used to my presence. After all, that’s what a lot of people chalk sinking feelings up to, though I must say the number of times I’ve had them as a spirit myself does little to lend credence to that. In fact, I’m having trouble remembering if that effect of possessing a person was due merely to my presence or was a natural consequence of having some of their motor control stolen.
No better time to find out than now, I decide. Just as soon as I’ve gotten a good halfway through my train of thought, a flash of white and red highlights in the corner of my eye compromising my attention span.
Another blob of white and red joins the first, smaller one a moment later, the two runners talking amongst themselves for a bit and giving me the chance to rush them. I figure there’s not a need for subterfuge or subtlety here, but as I arrive in the middle of their conversation, it seems only apt to wait for a logical gap in their morning pleasantries to begin my experiment.
“Finally ready to stop being a lazy bum?” The taller one seems to be chiding his companion, who pouts a bit too cutely for her tiny frame. Where have I seen a situation like this before?
“I’ve been running every morning this summer, jackass. You sure you’re not the one getting lazy?”
“No idea what you’re talking about,” He grins his response, reaching out a hand to ruffle the girl’s hair, as short and unkempt as she seems herself. “Let’s not forget to stretch at least.”
Here’s my chance then, a break in the conversation rather than a blundering into one of the two potential targets mid-sentence. Now, in the interest of a solid control group, I should probably possess the girl, right? Considering Kaede is a girl herself and…
As much as I’m fascinated by science, now isn’t the time to get too hung up on procedure. I float forward, smirking and reaching my hand out, the appendage shimmering as it presses against the back of the tiny, unkempt girl and phases partway through her cleanly as expected.
“E-eeeeh!?” She begins to blink rapidly, her spine stiffening where my hand has touched her, the poor guinea pig looking around in a panic.
“Something wrong, Matsuri? You didn’t pull a muscle did you?”
“N-no, it’s not that just… I guess I felt strange…” She responds meekly, her apprehension plain as day to feel through our temporary ghostly bond, but a wave of acceptance washing over her as she starts to rationalize it as nothing. Perfect.
“Don’t push yourself too hard. It’d be bad to get injured now.” Her running partner has finished his own stretching routine, Matsuri joining him moments later with me in tow.
I can’t shake this sensation of déjà vu right now, but I can’t possibly fathom why.
So now begins the experiment, I suppose. I don’t seem to be throwing my host off of her game as she starts her warm ups on the way to the track, but the last time I ran any time like this was more than nine years ago. I’m trying not to influence her motions much if at all, but I’m still heavily aware of the muscles stretching and contracting with every motion, her heart pounding regularly, far more than mine did, in her chest, some leftover lactic acid buildup washing out with the increased work.
The images of Yamaku and the landscape surrounding it start to rush past my vision now, Matsuri’s breathing and that of her running partner growing in intensity. Their shoes clack against one surface and make soft crunches against another, finally settling into a basic, almost surprisingly quick rhythm. It reminds me of all of the endurance running I did for club activities before that fateful day in the snow.
Maybe unsurprisingly, Matsuri is moving faster than I think I ever did. The wind rushes past her face and blows at her spiked short cut, every sensation of hers transferring instantly to me. It’s a strange effect now that I’m given a second to consider it, but it isn’t why I’m here. I need to find out if I can read thoughts, and the more I get distracted like this, the less likely I am to get back to the task at hand.
I try to focus in on what I already know about her, trying my best not to control any of her movements in the process. I’ve never really had to exhibit control before, but as far as I can tell, this Matsuri is handling a bit of extra mental weight pretty well.
“You sure you’re alright today?”
Before I’ve managed to get a track on any inner thoughts, the both of us have our attention unceremoniously pulled away by her running mate. Indignation follows in my own head, but despite my instincts I decide it’s best not to blame an oblivious bystander.
“Oh, well… Yeah…” I feel heat in my cheeks now, her cheeks as Matsuri responds in earnest. The wind starts to rush past us more quickly now.
“That’s the spirit!” He calls after us, huffing and bounding to catch up after a few seconds.
Of course, with his much longer, stronger legs, he’s able to catch us easily, almost frustratingly. We’d gotten such a head of steam with his teasing words, and he made up for the difference so effortlessly. I need a chance to focus on this, and yet…
“You’re not gonna beat me running like that!” There he is again, taunting and teasing.
“Shut up… I will…”
That’s it Matsuri. Focus on the goal and accomplish it. Are you going to just let this bastard of a best friend best you again?
“Not today! You’re still a thousand years away from challenging me!”
He rushes ahead once again, but the little-runner-that-could keeps pounding away at the dirt track, teeth bared and jaw clenched. The sweat on her brow is heavy and uncomfortable, a side effect of the morning humidity I imagine, and it’s becoming harder to see even though my actual eyes aren’t obscured in any imaginable way.
For a moment, Matsuri and her friend slip out of my mind and time seems to grind to a halt. I try to angle around and see what else is happening, but I’m rooted, my eyes locked on the track in front of me. I try to focus back on my task, but there’s a pounding in my head that I just can’t ignore, dominating my will and desires for the length of this episode. I have to beat this loser already. I’ve worked too hard to…
I have?
I don’t even know this kid’s name, and yet I’m having thoughts like this? None of these could possibly be my own thoughts, and yet they’re all I can experience right now.
I don’t get any longer to contemplate this as I’m broken out of this perceived limbo by a wobble, the ground beneath me seeming to liquefy and give way. I look down, of my own volition, seeing the cause and feeling the lurching of a stomach microseconds later.
“Dumbass, don’t push yourself so much.” The boy’s voice cuts in again, Matsuri struggling now to maintain her balance and continue running.
It’s a good thing she has such a close friend as we just about collapse to the ground as soon as he arrives, a stocky body cushioning Matsuri from what would have been quite a nasty biting of the dust in the literal sense. Sharing in that pain is something I’m not sure I look forward to given just the soreness in her muscles is rough enough.
Matsuri manages to sputter in response, clutching her knees once we’ve finally ended her downward spiral. I’m still doing my best not to overwhelm her or take the reins, but without much practice in my undeath to hone this, I can’t say I’m doing a good job. Not only that, but the way her emotions and sensations had almost made time stop for me was a completely unexpected experience. I suppose this is science at work, after all.
“C’mon, let’s get you some water.”
“Yeah,” Matsuri nods, her voice hoarse as we finally get back underway, all of my mental gears churning. “It’s weird… I almost…”
“What’s that?” Her friend manages to latch on to her voice even just a bit as she trails off. He does look to be so concerned for her, yet somehow I can tell he’s just…
There it is again. These fluttering certainties in my head have come into focus several times now with myself attached to Matsuri, and I’m beginning to realize more with each return that they’re foreign to my own thoughts. There aren’t specifically words I’m hearing, nor do I understand anything deep, but these are unmistakably feelings…
“Nothing, nothing,” She smiles, but I can feel something underneath it, subtle but present. Is Matsuri… bitter? “Let’s go, Shou.”
“Yeah.”
There’s the name I’ve been waiting to hear for a while as the boy grins and starts to help her along towards a shed elsewhere on campus. For all of these definite feelings she’s had in response to him, I’ve been completely unable to divine a name from them until just now.
It’s hardly enough to call a fair sample size, but I think I’m starting to figure out how this ability of mine might work. Now that I can focus more, I don’t feel at all like Matsuri is about to dominate my conscious as she did when she was running, the light padding of their feet on gravel providing a somber accompaniment to my mental note-taking.
The longer we go actually, the more I realize that something is amiss in the conversation, namely that there isn’t one. These two souls that seemed to bicker instinctively when I first met them are quiet as clams now, and for some reason it’s making me uneasy. The day is starting in earnest and the humid heat of Sendai is following closely, but something about the discomforting warmth I’m feeling doesn’t seem at all related to the weather.
It seems obvious by now why I’m so invested in this awkward silence, but the success of this experiment thus far is doing little to reassure me. This effect of taking in my host’s emotional state like this is really potent.
Now might be a good time to end this, then. I can’t deal with how uncomfortable Matsuri is making me right now, and my curiosity to find out what all this awkwardness is being caused by pales in comparison. It’s not as if high schoolers have the most interesting of concerns anyway, but then again…
Well, we are at Yamaku, and it’s anything but a typical high school, the cynically named cornucopia of cripples. It’s terribly hard not to feel bitter myself right now when I think about it, how even with all this concentrated care and the like surrounding me, I still wasn’t spared from a sticky, embarrassing end. To this day I appear as I did that night, my shirt unbuttoned and covering my scar only at the whim of momentum, my cheeks a neatly buzzed red. I’m just thankful I was able to go through my existence as a spirit as sober as I can ever remember being, but even then I doubt my own experience.
The thing with Yamaku is that every single student here could potentially have a story as vivid as my own. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised these two I’ve intruded upon are some of the more interesting students here, but I’d never know just from a few passing moments during their morning run. From the outside, I can’t tell much wrong with either, maybe save for Shou’s knee braces.
With all of this passed in my head, it’s time I end the first phase of the experiment. I start to lift my hand out of my host, just as her lungs fill with the cleanest breath she’s experienced since she started running. I can feel it coursing through me as well, the rush of relief the oxygen brings… And then the push of carbon dioxide being expelled in response.
What I don’t feel is my hand leaving Matsuri’s body. Rather, I yank sharply at a slight resistance, and rather than separate myself, I only succeed in pulling the poor girl backwards, her body lurching. Her friend barely has time to react.
“M-Matsuri? H-hey, c’mon we just got you a drink… Matsuri…” His voice sounds rushed, tinged with real panic.
Alarmingly, I feel the same from Matsuri herself, her heart thumping erratically and her eyes rolled back. There’s a wetness on her lips I hadn’t noticed before now, and as I look around I’m able to make out my surroundings as I start to be overwhelmed once again by her inner feelings. We aren’t at the track anymore by any means.
In fact, I have no clue where we are right now, but before I can even begin to fathom why, a sharp pain shoots up my skull, and everything seems to fade to black. How very strange.
Chapter 5: Bubble Bust
Summer vacation at Yamaku Academy is surprisingly quiet, even in the context of Japanese high schools.
I suppose I only have my old high school to base this off of, but it’s an uncanny thing to witness when you’re stuck in the same place for years and years at a time. When I was still in the soccer club, we devoted the entire last week of break to a training camp, but I’ve yet to see more than a single athletic type a day working their ass off with about six days to go.
It makes sense that Yamaku would be more forgiving with its club members considering… Everything, really, but even without the noisy sports-making, it feels like I hardly see a soul anymore.
A great number of Yamaku students stay on campus during break, including Kaede herself for about the first week, but they’re almost more elusive than the aforementioned crazy ones sweating themselves into oblivion at ungodly hours of the morning. It’s hardly surprising that some of the students here are pretty shut in, but to this extent?
Look at you, Hisao; you’re starting to sound like a parent. How remarkably unbecoming is that?
Ultimately, the net result of all this inactivity has me scratching through days and days of boredom. I try to put this into perspective and remind myself that entire years went by without even half as much to do as now, but it isn’t helping. From our final talks, Kaede and I have actually made something resembling progress in figuring this situation out, and I’m champing for more.
Of course, with all of that said I’m starting to worry that Kaede is getting flustered finding out what to do next. We haven’t seen each other every day or the like, and with good enough reason I feel, but when we do talk she seems incredibly dismissive.
“I’ll get to it over break. You’ll have to trust me.” She warned, or otherwise implored me to do the last time we spoke.
What’s a ghost to say to that? Even now that’s what’s sticking out in my head the most from any of our previous conversations. Our talks were never the most interesting of engagements, mostly because they served primarily to sate my need, and possibly Kaede’s too, for human interaction, but whenever we did get down to business they simply devolved into tedious lectures.
Not just the lectures, but the assurances that she knew what she was doing and she’d enact her plan over break. It’s break now, and I should trust Kaede even a little bit, but I just can’t shake this feeling that I’ll get burned for it. The Sun’s rising in the distance isn’t doing much to help with these depressive thoughts.
What’s bothering me the most about her behavior is how she just won’t tell me anything about her plans, assuming she even has any. If she had offered even a sliver of information about what she was doing then I might not be so anxious to get some kind of news already with a week of break left.
While it’s too late to learn what was and is going through her head right this very moment, I do have a thought on accomplishing that in the future. My forays into possession have always been rather short; no more than a minute at a time as far as I can remember. I know I’m able to see and experience the world through the lens of the person I’ve possessed, but what about seeing into their innermost thoughts and machinations?
I can recall vague feelings and sensations even from the times I was joined with Kaede, much of it warmth or anxiety that’s understandable enough to experience in the presence of ghost, knowingly or not. I could even force them to do things against their will, which led directly to my apparent reputation as Yamaku’s resident spirit. Focusing on their thoughts specifically instead of any of these other things though never truly crossed my mind.
It’s a fascinating thought, and it might even be worth testing out. It would reveal a lot that I haven’t been able to divine from social cues alone for sure, both about Kaede’s plans and about other, more personal concerns…
Is what I’m considering doing really right? Morally speaking, this level of invasion of privacy is completely reprehensible, but should such a rule really apply to me? Should I really be worrying about some kind of divine retribution for this, or should I do whatever it takes now to achieve my goals? I can’t really tell… But it doesn’t feel right to throw away the guiding principles from my life so easily.
If anything, I should at least figure out if it’s something I’m capable of doing, even if I don’t truly plan on taking advantage of it. This brings me back to the dilemma that is Yamaku’s hopelessly quiet summer vacation atmosphere. Where the hell am I going to find somebody to even test this out on, especially without them noticing?
I haven’t even given that due consideration up to this point either, really. Every time before now that I’ve possessed somebody, they’ve known right away something was up, and in one case I wasn’t even the one that instigated the action… It makes me wonder if it can even be done.
Then again, if I can play myself off like some kind of half-foreboding feeling, maybe my unwitting test subject will get used to my presence. After all, that’s what a lot of people chalk sinking feelings up to, though I must say the number of times I’ve had them as a spirit myself does little to lend credence to that. In fact, I’m having trouble remembering if that effect of possessing a person was due merely to my presence or was a natural consequence of having some of their motor control stolen.
No better time to find out than now, I decide. Just as soon as I’ve gotten a good halfway through my train of thought, a flash of white and red highlights in the corner of my eye compromising my attention span.
Another blob of white and red joins the first, smaller one a moment later, the two runners talking amongst themselves for a bit and giving me the chance to rush them. I figure there’s not a need for subterfuge or subtlety here, but as I arrive in the middle of their conversation, it seems only apt to wait for a logical gap in their morning pleasantries to begin my experiment.
“Finally ready to stop being a lazy bum?” The taller one seems to be chiding his companion, who pouts a bit too cutely for her tiny frame. Where have I seen a situation like this before?
“I’ve been running every morning this summer, jackass. You sure you’re not the one getting lazy?”
“No idea what you’re talking about,” He grins his response, reaching out a hand to ruffle the girl’s hair, as short and unkempt as she seems herself. “Let’s not forget to stretch at least.”
Here’s my chance then, a break in the conversation rather than a blundering into one of the two potential targets mid-sentence. Now, in the interest of a solid control group, I should probably possess the girl, right? Considering Kaede is a girl herself and…
As much as I’m fascinated by science, now isn’t the time to get too hung up on procedure. I float forward, smirking and reaching my hand out, the appendage shimmering as it presses against the back of the tiny, unkempt girl and phases partway through her cleanly as expected.
“E-eeeeh!?” She begins to blink rapidly, her spine stiffening where my hand has touched her, the poor guinea pig looking around in a panic.
“Something wrong, Matsuri? You didn’t pull a muscle did you?”
“N-no, it’s not that just… I guess I felt strange…” She responds meekly, her apprehension plain as day to feel through our temporary ghostly bond, but a wave of acceptance washing over her as she starts to rationalize it as nothing. Perfect.
“Don’t push yourself too hard. It’d be bad to get injured now.” Her running partner has finished his own stretching routine, Matsuri joining him moments later with me in tow.
I can’t shake this sensation of déjà vu right now, but I can’t possibly fathom why.
So now begins the experiment, I suppose. I don’t seem to be throwing my host off of her game as she starts her warm ups on the way to the track, but the last time I ran any time like this was more than nine years ago. I’m trying not to influence her motions much if at all, but I’m still heavily aware of the muscles stretching and contracting with every motion, her heart pounding regularly, far more than mine did, in her chest, some leftover lactic acid buildup washing out with the increased work.
The images of Yamaku and the landscape surrounding it start to rush past my vision now, Matsuri’s breathing and that of her running partner growing in intensity. Their shoes clack against one surface and make soft crunches against another, finally settling into a basic, almost surprisingly quick rhythm. It reminds me of all of the endurance running I did for club activities before that fateful day in the snow.
Maybe unsurprisingly, Matsuri is moving faster than I think I ever did. The wind rushes past her face and blows at her spiked short cut, every sensation of hers transferring instantly to me. It’s a strange effect now that I’m given a second to consider it, but it isn’t why I’m here. I need to find out if I can read thoughts, and the more I get distracted like this, the less likely I am to get back to the task at hand.
I try to focus in on what I already know about her, trying my best not to control any of her movements in the process. I’ve never really had to exhibit control before, but as far as I can tell, this Matsuri is handling a bit of extra mental weight pretty well.
“You sure you’re alright today?”
Before I’ve managed to get a track on any inner thoughts, the both of us have our attention unceremoniously pulled away by her running mate. Indignation follows in my own head, but despite my instincts I decide it’s best not to blame an oblivious bystander.
“Oh, well… Yeah…” I feel heat in my cheeks now, her cheeks as Matsuri responds in earnest. The wind starts to rush past us more quickly now.
“That’s the spirit!” He calls after us, huffing and bounding to catch up after a few seconds.
Of course, with his much longer, stronger legs, he’s able to catch us easily, almost frustratingly. We’d gotten such a head of steam with his teasing words, and he made up for the difference so effortlessly. I need a chance to focus on this, and yet…
“You’re not gonna beat me running like that!” There he is again, taunting and teasing.
“Shut up… I will…”
That’s it Matsuri. Focus on the goal and accomplish it. Are you going to just let this bastard of a best friend best you again?
“Not today! You’re still a thousand years away from challenging me!”
He rushes ahead once again, but the little-runner-that-could keeps pounding away at the dirt track, teeth bared and jaw clenched. The sweat on her brow is heavy and uncomfortable, a side effect of the morning humidity I imagine, and it’s becoming harder to see even though my actual eyes aren’t obscured in any imaginable way.
For a moment, Matsuri and her friend slip out of my mind and time seems to grind to a halt. I try to angle around and see what else is happening, but I’m rooted, my eyes locked on the track in front of me. I try to focus back on my task, but there’s a pounding in my head that I just can’t ignore, dominating my will and desires for the length of this episode. I have to beat this loser already. I’ve worked too hard to…
I have?
I don’t even know this kid’s name, and yet I’m having thoughts like this? None of these could possibly be my own thoughts, and yet they’re all I can experience right now.
I don’t get any longer to contemplate this as I’m broken out of this perceived limbo by a wobble, the ground beneath me seeming to liquefy and give way. I look down, of my own volition, seeing the cause and feeling the lurching of a stomach microseconds later.
“Dumbass, don’t push yourself so much.” The boy’s voice cuts in again, Matsuri struggling now to maintain her balance and continue running.
It’s a good thing she has such a close friend as we just about collapse to the ground as soon as he arrives, a stocky body cushioning Matsuri from what would have been quite a nasty biting of the dust in the literal sense. Sharing in that pain is something I’m not sure I look forward to given just the soreness in her muscles is rough enough.
Matsuri manages to sputter in response, clutching her knees once we’ve finally ended her downward spiral. I’m still doing my best not to overwhelm her or take the reins, but without much practice in my undeath to hone this, I can’t say I’m doing a good job. Not only that, but the way her emotions and sensations had almost made time stop for me was a completely unexpected experience. I suppose this is science at work, after all.
“C’mon, let’s get you some water.”
“Yeah,” Matsuri nods, her voice hoarse as we finally get back underway, all of my mental gears churning. “It’s weird… I almost…”
“What’s that?” Her friend manages to latch on to her voice even just a bit as she trails off. He does look to be so concerned for her, yet somehow I can tell he’s just…
There it is again. These fluttering certainties in my head have come into focus several times now with myself attached to Matsuri, and I’m beginning to realize more with each return that they’re foreign to my own thoughts. There aren’t specifically words I’m hearing, nor do I understand anything deep, but these are unmistakably feelings…
“Nothing, nothing,” She smiles, but I can feel something underneath it, subtle but present. Is Matsuri… bitter? “Let’s go, Shou.”
“Yeah.”
There’s the name I’ve been waiting to hear for a while as the boy grins and starts to help her along towards a shed elsewhere on campus. For all of these definite feelings she’s had in response to him, I’ve been completely unable to divine a name from them until just now.
It’s hardly enough to call a fair sample size, but I think I’m starting to figure out how this ability of mine might work. Now that I can focus more, I don’t feel at all like Matsuri is about to dominate my conscious as she did when she was running, the light padding of their feet on gravel providing a somber accompaniment to my mental note-taking.
The longer we go actually, the more I realize that something is amiss in the conversation, namely that there isn’t one. These two souls that seemed to bicker instinctively when I first met them are quiet as clams now, and for some reason it’s making me uneasy. The day is starting in earnest and the humid heat of Sendai is following closely, but something about the discomforting warmth I’m feeling doesn’t seem at all related to the weather.
It seems obvious by now why I’m so invested in this awkward silence, but the success of this experiment thus far is doing little to reassure me. This effect of taking in my host’s emotional state like this is really potent.
Now might be a good time to end this, then. I can’t deal with how uncomfortable Matsuri is making me right now, and my curiosity to find out what all this awkwardness is being caused by pales in comparison. It’s not as if high schoolers have the most interesting of concerns anyway, but then again…
Well, we are at Yamaku, and it’s anything but a typical high school, the cynically named cornucopia of cripples. It’s terribly hard not to feel bitter myself right now when I think about it, how even with all this concentrated care and the like surrounding me, I still wasn’t spared from a sticky, embarrassing end. To this day I appear as I did that night, my shirt unbuttoned and covering my scar only at the whim of momentum, my cheeks a neatly buzzed red. I’m just thankful I was able to go through my existence as a spirit as sober as I can ever remember being, but even then I doubt my own experience.
The thing with Yamaku is that every single student here could potentially have a story as vivid as my own. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised these two I’ve intruded upon are some of the more interesting students here, but I’d never know just from a few passing moments during their morning run. From the outside, I can’t tell much wrong with either, maybe save for Shou’s knee braces.
With all of this passed in my head, it’s time I end the first phase of the experiment. I start to lift my hand out of my host, just as her lungs fill with the cleanest breath she’s experienced since she started running. I can feel it coursing through me as well, the rush of relief the oxygen brings… And then the push of carbon dioxide being expelled in response.
What I don’t feel is my hand leaving Matsuri’s body. Rather, I yank sharply at a slight resistance, and rather than separate myself, I only succeed in pulling the poor girl backwards, her body lurching. Her friend barely has time to react.
“M-Matsuri? H-hey, c’mon we just got you a drink… Matsuri…” His voice sounds rushed, tinged with real panic.
Alarmingly, I feel the same from Matsuri herself, her heart thumping erratically and her eyes rolled back. There’s a wetness on her lips I hadn’t noticed before now, and as I look around I’m able to make out my surroundings as I start to be overwhelmed once again by her inner feelings. We aren’t at the track anymore by any means.
In fact, I have no clue where we are right now, but before I can even begin to fathom why, a sharp pain shoots up my skull, and everything seems to fade to black. How very strange.
Gustav Mahler wrote:If you find you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.
Chapter 6: They Did
This next chapter is a bit bigger than the others. I probably should have broken chapters 3 and 4 up into separate posts as they're both 4k words each, but at almost 5.5k for this chapter, it was unavoidable. Here's hoping all of this dialogue is as annoying as I think it is
Chapter 6: They Did
Part One
“You did what?”
My voice hasn’t wailed quite so much in some years, but then again I haven’t felt as completely bewildered before as right now. Kaede looks entirely unfazed, but in my own defense, even that scream was at about thirty or forty percent of my full capacity.
“You heard me. She’s coming here at the end of the week.”
I approximate pinching the bridge of my nose, settling myself against the railings of the roof for a moment to gather my thoughts.
The truth is that I’m starting to regret lamenting my boredom during the earlier part of break, as now with only one day left I’ve been promised more intrigue than I think I can handle in a week’s time. This is without the obvious matter of my experiment, the external results of which are bound to reach this keen-eared girl sooner or later.
“I got that part, just… This was your plan?” I sigh, totally exasperated. I have to give the girl some credit, she did have a plan and put it into motion, but I just didn’t imagine her plan would involve something like this.
“Yes, this is my plan. Well… Rather an adaptation of a plan.”
I’m really not a fan of that overconfident snicker, even if her pose is a lot tamer than her behavior would have me believe.
“Let me guess. She doesn’t remember exactly what she wrote in the letter, was insistent on letting bygones be bygones, all that jazz?”
“Very close, my young padawan,” She goes again with the playful finger wagging, taunting me every step of the way. “In fact, Miss Daidouji said she remembered the letter specifically, and confirmed having a copy of it after our little talk.”
Did she now? That… Well, that actually does sound quite like her. Iwanako was always an overtly diligent type, almost to a fault, and it makes sense in this modern era that there’d be a record of correspondence with digital data becoming the norm.
“Why didn’t you just ask for a copy then?” The obvious question, but it needs to be asked.
“The letter she wrote was hand-written, so it wasn’t like she could just pull it up on her desktop,” Kaede explains, crossing her arms and joining me with her back to the roof’s reinforced fence. “You also need to understand that I had to frame this like I was a random high schooler investigating some random ghost story.”
“That’s because you are one… Wait, Iwanako knows I’m dead?”
I don’t know why that’s so surprising, but a part of me probably just expected that she’d completely forgotten about me. As desperate as I am to learn the contents of that letter she sent me, I have few illusions about what it could contain. Iwanako and I had all but broken up by the time I left the hospital, and that “but” is a very important point to emphasize. Ending your visits without so much as a text or a “good-bye” is hardly what I’d call closure in a relationship.
“If she didn’t before, she knows now,” Kaede admits, scratching the side of her nose, part of her trip’s proceedings becoming a both clearer and more ambiguous now in my head. I probably shouldn’t try to fill in these details myself. “She did seem to know beforehand at least.”
“So how the hell did you convince her to come here? Didn’t you say she was a salary woman now?”
“That’s classified information on the behalf of clan Tadamichi.” She gives a wink, index finger splayed out vertically over her cheek, a light jingle accompanying the gesture. I don’t think that bracelet was on her wrist before break, was it?
Well, whether she knows it or not, she basically just told me the answer to my question. Maybe it was actually intentional? I wouldn’t put it past her, enigmatic as this girl is.
“Alright, let’s just assume you actually managed to pull this off,” I sigh, furrowing my brow and floating a step off of the fence to give myself a bit of room to think. “What are you accomplishing by bringing Iwanako here instead of just acquiring a copy of the letter?”
“I think you know the reason for that pretty plainly.” The brunette crosses her arms, not even chancing a wayward glance my way as her eyes wander to the crimson morning sky.
Despite her statement and my own misgivings, I end up balking. She has almost an entire point here, but now I’m left to wonder just how much those two must have talked given this wealth of information Kaede has acquired. I suppose I ought to leave it to two members of the female sex to have conversations past the point of usefulness…
Is it just me or has all this experimenting on “thought”-reading started to make me think like somebody I haven’t even seen for nine years?
After I’ve had enough time mentally segueing and distracting myself, I finally give Kaede an affirmative nod, floating back to her side. It just about goes without saying, but I might as well clarify it in my thoughts. This is our chance to have closure, a truer closure than Iwanako likely ever got herself by writing that letter, handwriting it no less. It’s awfully inconvenient for her to have to come here, but whatever that Tadamichi family magic is, it seems to have tipped the scales in Kaede’s favor.
“You’re totally right,” I smirk, hugging my knees to my chest as I hover in front of her, teasing a bit. “You usually are, as much as I hate to admit it. You sure are taking a lot more initiative in this than I ever would have expected.”
That elicits a nice little reaction as I steal her gaze from the clouds, the easily flappable freshman letting herself become flapped yet again. Her cheeks are a neat red, matching the sky, and it’s hard to put a name to the look of her lips except that it’s charmingly confused. For all of her diligence, she’s really easy to pull stunts over like this.
“W-well, look at you making advances. Aren’t you an adult anyway, perv?” She finally manages to harrumph, turning away and crossing her arms indignantly, her mood not lasting but a microsecond.
“Hey now, I might have spent time equal to half my life as a ghost, but I’m still only a couple years older than you.”
“That still makes you 27. I can’t believe this whole time I’ve been talking to a ghost lolicon.”
“Lolicon? You might be shorter than me, but you are anything but a loli.”
“Fine, pedo ghost then,” She smirks, assuming she’s acquired the upper hand. “I should call the cops on you.”
“Oh you’re totally right, Kaede, they should totally come here and arrest the already dead pedophile. Besides, you’re talking to him just as much as he’s talking to you.”
This is entirely too easy, and it finally elicits the much wanted second sigh, sending me into a burst of joyous laughter. There’s no way you can best me in a game of wits, Kaede. I had to contend with a master for about a week, and I came away with a few tricks, to say nothing of the minimum nine years I have on you.
“Yeah, well,” Kaede doesn’t keep up her unamused façade for long, smirking and closing the distance between. “I never imagined a perverted ghost would prove so interesting.”
“I guess that’s good to have in my favor now that I’m dead,” I offer, perhaps a little bitterly. It’s probably best to address that. “I mean, you’re even making me blush.”
“Oh don’t bullshit me, you blush just fine all the time.”
She has me there. Without the actual chemicals in my system, namely because I don’t have an actual system to put chemicals in, it’s easy to forget I was more than a little tipsy at the time of my death. Everything from the cleanliness of my hair to the state of my dress is now as it was, and nothing I can do seems to change this state. Even the flapping of my unbuttoned shirt is largely left up to chance, though I find worrying about concealing my scar a sophomoric concern now that I’m not even alive.
Silence seems to have set in to let me complete that thought process, but Kaede hasn’t stopped smiling, those amber eyes of hers sparkling underneath her red frames.
“You seem to be enjoying yourself despite my best efforts.”
“I think I explained I was pretty into the occult,” She smirked, holding up her hand again to show off the new accessory I’d noticed earlier. “What do you think?”
The bracelet she’d acquired is actually hard to describe as one, but I suppose a bracelet needn’t necessarily be a solid band. Adorning Kaede’s wrist is a series of steel or silver chains, one across her wrist specifically, but another two bands of chains run parallel to the main, covering only half of her wrist, and yet two more wrap around her index finger as if to frame it.
Most notably, there’s a little design that connects all of the chains; a small circle encasing a pentagram. The craftsmanship doesn’t seem overtly remarkable, but Kaede is undoubtedly proud to own it.
“I think you look like you’re having middle school delusions,” I smirk, more matter-of-fact than truly teasing. “It’s no wonder you’re taking so much time out of your life to talk to a ghost.”
I expect an instant retort befitting the rapid pace of this exchange, but instead Kaede seems to flinch at my comment. It’s understandable enough to get defensive over being called delusional, but all of the rhythm we’d worked up in our conversation should have negated that, right? Before I can voice an apology, she starts again.
“I spend my time the way I feel I need to,” She sighs, voice a bit shaky and worrisome. “I don’t have much of a choice.”
This level of bitterness is not something I’ve heard come up in conversation before between us. I’m taken aback, her familiar, pained expression piercing into my sentiments. Something has gotten worse, I figure, but while I’m undeniably curious, I won’t dare prod. I remember how defensive I used to be when I was still alive.
“You don’t have to elaborate,” I offer, able to see how she’s been furrowing her brow during my silence. “I understand wanting to keep it closed up. It’s a lot to lay bare.”
“I shouldn’t be keeping you in the dark like this.” She practically cuts me off, taking no notice of what I’ve said.
“Kaede, we’ve all got secrets. Just because I decided most of mine were worth surrendering in the interest of our little project doesn’t mean you have to tell me all of yours.”
I can see from the tension in her face just how pained she is over this, and I can’t help but sympathize. I have my own hunches about what might be up, but I haven’t gathered any concrete information, even through my experimentation the past week. There’s only so far my mind can seem to remember information presented in passing, even if I’ve decided said information is important.
“I still feel wrong holding out this long…” She trails off, her head bowing and her lips continuing to flap without accompanying sound.
I want to inquire, but it might have just been intentional. I can’t just dive right in with my desire to know more when I’ve been spending the past minute assuring her she doesn’t need to tell me until she’s ready. As dense as I’ve been able to figure myself out to be in the past, at least I won’t be falling into that trap now.
Eventually, silence descends on us for what might well be the final time of the day, at least presuming she doesn’t want to talk later at a more convenient venue. Speaking of which…
“So what was the motivation for climbing all the way up here?”
“Hmm?” Kaede blinks, seemingly broken out of a trance by my voice.
“I mean, I probably would have gathered you’d come back a couple days early eventually. There’s quite a crowd gathering in the courtyard as it stands.”
“Oh, right. Well, I guess I wanted to surprise you a bit,” She giggles, finally breaking out of her moping spell and grabbing for her cane, a sign it’s time for her to get going. “From that reaction, I’d say I was pretty successful.”
“There you go again… Alright well, be careful at least. Catch you later?”
She just nods, lifting the end of her cane off the ground to wave at me as she takes a couple steps without it. I almost wonder why she truly needs the cane, but a sudden stumble that she only manages to catch through the downward swing of her cane is at least a little telling.
“Whoa!” She looks surprised, but is actually laughing again. “I guess I got cocky! Hmm…”
There’s the moping again. It’s all I can do to keep in my inquiries at this point; else I go back on my word.
“See you, Kaede.”
“We’ll talk some more later. I still have to finish moving back in.”
“Sure thing. Well, you know how to get my attention.”
She nods, perking back up and turning to wave one final time, this time with her left hand, before disappearing through the door. I can faintly hear her cane thumping slowly against the stairs inside the building, and I don’t think to check on her safe passage until she’s clearly already gone.
Continued...
Chapter 6: They Did
Part One
“You did what?”
My voice hasn’t wailed quite so much in some years, but then again I haven’t felt as completely bewildered before as right now. Kaede looks entirely unfazed, but in my own defense, even that scream was at about thirty or forty percent of my full capacity.
“You heard me. She’s coming here at the end of the week.”
I approximate pinching the bridge of my nose, settling myself against the railings of the roof for a moment to gather my thoughts.
The truth is that I’m starting to regret lamenting my boredom during the earlier part of break, as now with only one day left I’ve been promised more intrigue than I think I can handle in a week’s time. This is without the obvious matter of my experiment, the external results of which are bound to reach this keen-eared girl sooner or later.
“I got that part, just… This was your plan?” I sigh, totally exasperated. I have to give the girl some credit, she did have a plan and put it into motion, but I just didn’t imagine her plan would involve something like this.
“Yes, this is my plan. Well… Rather an adaptation of a plan.”
I’m really not a fan of that overconfident snicker, even if her pose is a lot tamer than her behavior would have me believe.
“Let me guess. She doesn’t remember exactly what she wrote in the letter, was insistent on letting bygones be bygones, all that jazz?”
“Very close, my young padawan,” She goes again with the playful finger wagging, taunting me every step of the way. “In fact, Miss Daidouji said she remembered the letter specifically, and confirmed having a copy of it after our little talk.”
Did she now? That… Well, that actually does sound quite like her. Iwanako was always an overtly diligent type, almost to a fault, and it makes sense in this modern era that there’d be a record of correspondence with digital data becoming the norm.
“Why didn’t you just ask for a copy then?” The obvious question, but it needs to be asked.
“The letter she wrote was hand-written, so it wasn’t like she could just pull it up on her desktop,” Kaede explains, crossing her arms and joining me with her back to the roof’s reinforced fence. “You also need to understand that I had to frame this like I was a random high schooler investigating some random ghost story.”
“That’s because you are one… Wait, Iwanako knows I’m dead?”
I don’t know why that’s so surprising, but a part of me probably just expected that she’d completely forgotten about me. As desperate as I am to learn the contents of that letter she sent me, I have few illusions about what it could contain. Iwanako and I had all but broken up by the time I left the hospital, and that “but” is a very important point to emphasize. Ending your visits without so much as a text or a “good-bye” is hardly what I’d call closure in a relationship.
“If she didn’t before, she knows now,” Kaede admits, scratching the side of her nose, part of her trip’s proceedings becoming a both clearer and more ambiguous now in my head. I probably shouldn’t try to fill in these details myself. “She did seem to know beforehand at least.”
“So how the hell did you convince her to come here? Didn’t you say she was a salary woman now?”
“That’s classified information on the behalf of clan Tadamichi.” She gives a wink, index finger splayed out vertically over her cheek, a light jingle accompanying the gesture. I don’t think that bracelet was on her wrist before break, was it?
Well, whether she knows it or not, she basically just told me the answer to my question. Maybe it was actually intentional? I wouldn’t put it past her, enigmatic as this girl is.
“Alright, let’s just assume you actually managed to pull this off,” I sigh, furrowing my brow and floating a step off of the fence to give myself a bit of room to think. “What are you accomplishing by bringing Iwanako here instead of just acquiring a copy of the letter?”
“I think you know the reason for that pretty plainly.” The brunette crosses her arms, not even chancing a wayward glance my way as her eyes wander to the crimson morning sky.
Despite her statement and my own misgivings, I end up balking. She has almost an entire point here, but now I’m left to wonder just how much those two must have talked given this wealth of information Kaede has acquired. I suppose I ought to leave it to two members of the female sex to have conversations past the point of usefulness…
Is it just me or has all this experimenting on “thought”-reading started to make me think like somebody I haven’t even seen for nine years?
After I’ve had enough time mentally segueing and distracting myself, I finally give Kaede an affirmative nod, floating back to her side. It just about goes without saying, but I might as well clarify it in my thoughts. This is our chance to have closure, a truer closure than Iwanako likely ever got herself by writing that letter, handwriting it no less. It’s awfully inconvenient for her to have to come here, but whatever that Tadamichi family magic is, it seems to have tipped the scales in Kaede’s favor.
“You’re totally right,” I smirk, hugging my knees to my chest as I hover in front of her, teasing a bit. “You usually are, as much as I hate to admit it. You sure are taking a lot more initiative in this than I ever would have expected.”
That elicits a nice little reaction as I steal her gaze from the clouds, the easily flappable freshman letting herself become flapped yet again. Her cheeks are a neat red, matching the sky, and it’s hard to put a name to the look of her lips except that it’s charmingly confused. For all of her diligence, she’s really easy to pull stunts over like this.
“W-well, look at you making advances. Aren’t you an adult anyway, perv?” She finally manages to harrumph, turning away and crossing her arms indignantly, her mood not lasting but a microsecond.
“Hey now, I might have spent time equal to half my life as a ghost, but I’m still only a couple years older than you.”
“That still makes you 27. I can’t believe this whole time I’ve been talking to a ghost lolicon.”
“Lolicon? You might be shorter than me, but you are anything but a loli.”
“Fine, pedo ghost then,” She smirks, assuming she’s acquired the upper hand. “I should call the cops on you.”
“Oh you’re totally right, Kaede, they should totally come here and arrest the already dead pedophile. Besides, you’re talking to him just as much as he’s talking to you.”
This is entirely too easy, and it finally elicits the much wanted second sigh, sending me into a burst of joyous laughter. There’s no way you can best me in a game of wits, Kaede. I had to contend with a master for about a week, and I came away with a few tricks, to say nothing of the minimum nine years I have on you.
“Yeah, well,” Kaede doesn’t keep up her unamused façade for long, smirking and closing the distance between. “I never imagined a perverted ghost would prove so interesting.”
“I guess that’s good to have in my favor now that I’m dead,” I offer, perhaps a little bitterly. It’s probably best to address that. “I mean, you’re even making me blush.”
“Oh don’t bullshit me, you blush just fine all the time.”
She has me there. Without the actual chemicals in my system, namely because I don’t have an actual system to put chemicals in, it’s easy to forget I was more than a little tipsy at the time of my death. Everything from the cleanliness of my hair to the state of my dress is now as it was, and nothing I can do seems to change this state. Even the flapping of my unbuttoned shirt is largely left up to chance, though I find worrying about concealing my scar a sophomoric concern now that I’m not even alive.
Silence seems to have set in to let me complete that thought process, but Kaede hasn’t stopped smiling, those amber eyes of hers sparkling underneath her red frames.
“You seem to be enjoying yourself despite my best efforts.”
“I think I explained I was pretty into the occult,” She smirked, holding up her hand again to show off the new accessory I’d noticed earlier. “What do you think?”
The bracelet she’d acquired is actually hard to describe as one, but I suppose a bracelet needn’t necessarily be a solid band. Adorning Kaede’s wrist is a series of steel or silver chains, one across her wrist specifically, but another two bands of chains run parallel to the main, covering only half of her wrist, and yet two more wrap around her index finger as if to frame it.
Most notably, there’s a little design that connects all of the chains; a small circle encasing a pentagram. The craftsmanship doesn’t seem overtly remarkable, but Kaede is undoubtedly proud to own it.
“I think you look like you’re having middle school delusions,” I smirk, more matter-of-fact than truly teasing. “It’s no wonder you’re taking so much time out of your life to talk to a ghost.”
I expect an instant retort befitting the rapid pace of this exchange, but instead Kaede seems to flinch at my comment. It’s understandable enough to get defensive over being called delusional, but all of the rhythm we’d worked up in our conversation should have negated that, right? Before I can voice an apology, she starts again.
“I spend my time the way I feel I need to,” She sighs, voice a bit shaky and worrisome. “I don’t have much of a choice.”
This level of bitterness is not something I’ve heard come up in conversation before between us. I’m taken aback, her familiar, pained expression piercing into my sentiments. Something has gotten worse, I figure, but while I’m undeniably curious, I won’t dare prod. I remember how defensive I used to be when I was still alive.
“You don’t have to elaborate,” I offer, able to see how she’s been furrowing her brow during my silence. “I understand wanting to keep it closed up. It’s a lot to lay bare.”
“I shouldn’t be keeping you in the dark like this.” She practically cuts me off, taking no notice of what I’ve said.
“Kaede, we’ve all got secrets. Just because I decided most of mine were worth surrendering in the interest of our little project doesn’t mean you have to tell me all of yours.”
I can see from the tension in her face just how pained she is over this, and I can’t help but sympathize. I have my own hunches about what might be up, but I haven’t gathered any concrete information, even through my experimentation the past week. There’s only so far my mind can seem to remember information presented in passing, even if I’ve decided said information is important.
“I still feel wrong holding out this long…” She trails off, her head bowing and her lips continuing to flap without accompanying sound.
I want to inquire, but it might have just been intentional. I can’t just dive right in with my desire to know more when I’ve been spending the past minute assuring her she doesn’t need to tell me until she’s ready. As dense as I’ve been able to figure myself out to be in the past, at least I won’t be falling into that trap now.
Eventually, silence descends on us for what might well be the final time of the day, at least presuming she doesn’t want to talk later at a more convenient venue. Speaking of which…
“So what was the motivation for climbing all the way up here?”
“Hmm?” Kaede blinks, seemingly broken out of a trance by my voice.
“I mean, I probably would have gathered you’d come back a couple days early eventually. There’s quite a crowd gathering in the courtyard as it stands.”
“Oh, right. Well, I guess I wanted to surprise you a bit,” She giggles, finally breaking out of her moping spell and grabbing for her cane, a sign it’s time for her to get going. “From that reaction, I’d say I was pretty successful.”
“There you go again… Alright well, be careful at least. Catch you later?”
She just nods, lifting the end of her cane off the ground to wave at me as she takes a couple steps without it. I almost wonder why she truly needs the cane, but a sudden stumble that she only manages to catch through the downward swing of her cane is at least a little telling.
“Whoa!” She looks surprised, but is actually laughing again. “I guess I got cocky! Hmm…”
There’s the moping again. It’s all I can do to keep in my inquiries at this point; else I go back on my word.
“See you, Kaede.”
“We’ll talk some more later. I still have to finish moving back in.”
“Sure thing. Well, you know how to get my attention.”
She nods, perking back up and turning to wave one final time, this time with her left hand, before disappearing through the door. I can faintly hear her cane thumping slowly against the stairs inside the building, and I don’t think to check on her safe passage until she’s clearly already gone.
Continued...
Gustav Mahler wrote:If you find you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Chapter 5, 1/21/17)
Chapter Six
Part Two
So that just happened.
Now I’m left with nothing but my thoughts and the results of my experiments for the next week, it seems. I suppose I could add talks with Kaede to the list, but after this unexpected episode of awkward, I can’t imagine she’s very eager to talk very much.
As apprehensive as I am that my break from the past month’s monotony lasted only about an hour, I’m actually kind of thankful to get this week to collect my thoughts on the experiment itself.
Of course, my experiment was complicated tremendously by unforeseen consequences related to the girl’s condition. I’m glad her loss of consciousness episode hadn’t taken my own mind, or else I wouldn’t have learned half of what I did. While I was still trying to collect all of my thoughts from our shared run, I hadn’t noticed a key, exploitable detail.
While I was partially possessing Matsuri, she and Shou had managed to wander to a place I’d never visited. The frustrating bubble keeping me from leaving Yamaku Academy has a weakness.
Of course, the troubling but also reassuring thing I learned immediately after this massive revelation was that my target suffers from epilepsy. On the one hand it’s good to know that possession alone won’t normally make a person faint, but on the other hand, Matsuri knew full well something wasn’t quite right the instant I touched her. I imagine one of the myriad emotions I had to interpret was self-worry.
To Shou’s credit, he was at least well aware of her condition and was able to get her back onto a familiar part of campus for treatment. While it would have been nice to know ahead of time, I really can’t lament the lack of context clues given to an invisible observer between two close friends, especially not in light of this little episode between Kaede and me. I didn’t want to pry too far into their dealings anyway after partially throwing into a loop like that, so I found other test subjects.
The general conclusion then is that I can go just about anywhere so long as I’m partly possessing somebody, but I cannot leave their body until they return to a place I’m familiar with. I wasn’t able to discern what constitutes a “familiar” place necessarily, but when I was able to hitch a ride into town, I was able to leave the body of my test subject once we entered the Shanghai, the tea café I visited at least once or twice in my whole week of living at Yamaku.
Extrapolating on that, I imagine I should be able to return home at any time as long as I find a host headed there. I’ve still got a sneaking suspicion that my death has kept me tied here at Yamaku specifically, and I might get violently ripped away if I stay anywhere too long… But I’m not eager to test that hypothesis just yet.
With every passing day this week now, my reasons for keeping this all a secret from Kaede seem to become flimsier and flimsier. The ability to leave my bubble would certainly give us a lot more flexibility in this little quest of ours… Yet I find myself afraid of repercussions.
In any case, I end up deciding the best course of action is to leave it off the table until after this fated meeting with Iwanako. After all, she went through all the trouble of arranging this, and it’s not like either of us had even an inkling that I could be brought to her rather than vice versa.
Of course, none of this seems to be addressing an obvious elephant in the room. In nine years, despite all inclinations to the contrary, only one person at Yamaku has been able to see me yet.
The idea that Iwanako will be able to experience anything other than a crazy schoolgirl talking to the air is almost absurd.
I feel like we’re banking a lot on how she interacts and reacts to me, or else Kaede would have just gotten a copy of the letter and been done with it. The both of us are relieved that Iwanako is so faultlessly diligent, but neither of us are expecting that it will hold all of the answers, I imagine.
My regrets run far deeper than a failed relationship, certainly, and even still I struggle to scratch the surface with them.
I’ve always heard of ghosts in stories knowing exactly what it was they missed in their life that keeps them from passing on, but I have no such privilege. Every time I try to give a definitive answer I balk, and I can’t even begin to imagine what it will be like to pass on.
It’s a frustrating thought process, and it inevitably ends with me thinking all of this has been fruitless, a grand waste of my own time. Worse than that, it looks like a grand waste of time on Kaede’s part. As much as she reassures me that she’s doing what interests her most, I still feel like a high schooler ought to be focusing more on other, more far-reaching things.
I might be biased considering my last experience with a mildly delusional high schooler, though Kaede has at least had some of her undoubtedly countless hours spent on research pay off to some extent.
It’s best not to droop into this train of thought. Without Kaede to talk to for the rest of this week, excepting passing smiles or waves when nobody could possibly notice, it would be demonstrably bad to slip into a misanthropic state. In any case, it’s unbecoming of a perpetually teenaged ghost to act like he’s some kind of adult.
Despite all of the impatience, I can scarcely believe it’s already Saturday when it does finally arrive. It’s been a fairly rainy week, quite odd for August, and today seems like it might finally break the streak of overcast and muggy days. I’m actually finding myself pretty thankful for my lack of sensation as a ghost, or else this weather might be murdering me.
Heh, I suppose it’s also good I’d be dead already anyway, too.
Kaede and I had a quick rendezvous yesterday, the bespectacled freshman usually able to get my attention on evening strolls through a number of means. This week it was tossing a five yen coin at the fences surrounding the roof, but other times just standing around has been enough.
Iwanako should be arriving shortly, and all I have now is my thoughts as the possibility of being faced with my ex for the first time in nine and a half years starts to come into clearer focus.
She knows I’m dead, for one thing, and yet she just couldn’t let bygones be bygones. Was the experience truly that memorable for her, or was Kaede just that capable of persuasion that an office worker was able to take time out of her busy life to entertain a high school girl’s strange whims.
Now that I’ve actually thought about it, her decision to claim it as “classified information” was likely a wise one.
It’s not as if I have any room to criticize methods myself, but it’s not like she needs to know that.
As quiet as Yamaku’s campus is on weekends, it’s hardly surprising that the arrival of a taxi fairly early in the morning is easy to pick out against all of the things not happening right now. If I still had a heart in my chest, I have a feeling it would be thumping erratically right now.
I decide not to get a closer look and be patient. There’s always the chance that Iwanako can see me, and it would probably not be well for her to see me without warning even in the best of cases. Kaede herself was partly expecting to see me when we met, and the shock of seeing me was enough to get her weak in the knees.
Honestly, I think I’m actually a bit nervous right now. The taxi can be seen leaving from my perch across from the access stairway now, its occupant likely meeting up with our liaison, and it’s hard to assure myself that whatever happens next won’t be a huge deal.
The telltale click of the access door signals the end of anticipation, and I can feel the apprehension inside me pooling to maximum capacity. In just a few moments, the first real step since finding somebody to talk to is occurring now, in the present. I bite my lip, watching the large metal door as it swings open, making light scratching noises against the roof’s gravel top.
In the lead is not the high school girl I’ve gotten used to seeing on a common basis, but somebody almost wholly unrecognizable. Rather than the expected office clothes, she’s wearing more comfortable sweatpants and sneakers, likely to stave off the morning cold. Her once flowingly long and smooth hair has been smartly bobbed, though she at least took the time of day to straighten it up.
What I can recognize is that same half-bewildered raise of dark, pencil-thin eyebrows, the same forehead that goes from crestfallen to bright in that motion, and those eyes that sparkle two brilliant hazels at the slightest embrace of light. It’s scarily close to the look she gave me during a winter day right around 4:00 PM many, many years ago.
As close as it is to how she looked during her confession before her then-adorable nerves caught on, it doesn’t last, her gaze not fixed upon me but several yards past me. She steps out of the threshold, the familiar brunette from the past few months following her in a similarly comfortable-looking outfit.
“Here we are,” She smirks, setting her cane aside and finding a seat elsewhere on the roof. “Not as grand an entrance as you might have been expecting, hmm?”
It’s incredibly hard to tell if she’s talking to me or Iwanako, but for the latter’s sake I keep silent.
“I don’t know what I was expecting.”
“I’m going to guess by your reaction that you can’t see him?”
Iwanako just nods, pinching the bridge of her nose. It’s strange to see her without that iconic long hair, but it’s somehow even stranger to be in the midst of a conversation about me that I can’t participate in at all.
“Well, that’s why I’m here. Even if I’m crazy, I can still convey messages if you’ll have me, Miss Daidouji.”
While it was only addressed directly to her, her nod my way tells me plenty. It’s probably about time I spoke up, but it would be a good idea not to use a highly cliché greeting.
“It’s been a long time.”
Dammit, Hisao.
“Really, you’re going with that line?”
“Well excuse me for folding under pressure!”
Kaede has to do all she can to stifle a sigh, shaking her head in disbelief as she relays the words to a less than amused Iwanako.
“This really is all one great big joke, huh?”
“It really seems like one. I guess she wasn’t at all counting on you not being able to see me.”
“Well, you told me as much. If it weren’t for the offer you were able to put on my desk…”
It’s hard not to sympathize with her right now considering she’s the only one of us having to deal with long gaps between responses like this, but at the very least she’s catching onto the conversation. It’s still apparent to me that she’s doubtful of this entire experience, but she’s entertaining us all the same.
To our interpreter’s credit, she’s doing her best, though I don’t think she appreciates that her words are hardly ever in her true voice.
“Listen,” Iwanako cuts me short relaying yet another response to Kaede in our seemingly endless spree of repetitious drivel. “I know I told you that I’d be willing to go along with all of this for your offer. I still am, but… I suppose I just wasn’t ready. I’ll be leaving, for now.”
If she could see my understanding, she might not look near as tense, but as it stands all Iwanako is able to see is Kaede’s face paling.
How strange. I’d never remembered her having any particular skin tone, but I’m still shocked to see just how ashen she looks right now. Iwanako seems taken aback herself.
“Kaede?” I inquire, my voice breaking the silence only for the two of us, unfortunately.
“Sorry, I’m fine, Hisao. Thank you very much for coming by Miss Daidouji.”
“Of course,” Iwanako can only nod along, her motions a bit stilted as she turns towards the door. “I’ll see myself out then.”
The atmosphere is heavy now, Iwanako leaving almost as quickly as she’d arrived. It’s a bittersweet moment for sure, and yet I’m not the one feeling the weight of it the worst as the two of us listen to her sneakers smacking against the access staircase.
I was expecting a lot of possibilities from this fateful encounter, but an inconclusive departure was the last thing on my mind. Iwanako wasn’t ever the type to enjoy being the butt of a joke, but I hadn’t imagined she’d carry that aspect of her personality all the way into office life. Even worse, she carried it on at the expense of a distraught high school girl.
Offering condolences would be the best course of action, but I can’t shake the feeling that trying to brush it all off just won’t cut it for Kaede. I can’t fathom why she’s exuding this aura, but it’s crushing my spirit all the same.
I think the reason it’s so frustrating though is simple, actually. I haven’t seen my ex in all these years, and this is the most I'm getting out of it?
“Hold on,” I say, wishing I could take a deep breath for anything other than dramatic effect. “I’ll be right back.”
“Hisao?” She blinks, broken out of her stupor while I phase through the fence. “Where the hell are you… What about the letter?”
“I’ll get to it in a minute. Just wait here, at Yamaku.”
There’s no time to explain further; I’ve already formulated my plan and I must enact it before my barriers hold me down completely. I could just tell Kaede to chase her down, but with her cane and the fact she’s in a state, I’m afraid of how partial possession will affect her. This is especially a concern when I consider that she’d be fully aware of my presence, unlike my unwitting test subjects from the past two weeks.
Now’s not the time to grandstand on the pedestal of ethics and proven results. Nothing is going to happen now unless I try something.
On the subject of proven results actually, I suppose I‘ve never taken time before to take stock of how quickly I can float someplace. Before I’ve even opened my eyes again from all this internal conversation, I feel a sharp tug keeping me from going further. I look down to see none other than the gate of Yamaku below me, my momentary panic replaced by understanding.
Kaede’s voice had called out to me from the roof on last time when I left, but since hitting the gate I can’t hear her. It’s hard to tell if I’m just that far from the main building or if she’s just cutting on the number of people she might inconvenience this morning…
It really hurts to think she’s forcing herself to think that way right now.
I turn back around, not taking myself to ground level in favor of a better vantage point. In any case, I seem to move quickly enough to pull this off, and the target is making her appearance leaving the main building just now.
Part of me feels incredibly dirty for saying this, but I’m coming for you, Iwanako.
My form rushes through the air as I reach maximum speed once again, closing the distance between us swiftly. There’s no accompanying rush of wind to signal my arrival, but that’s probably good for my plan. She continues to step forward, oblivious, until she eventually passes partway through me.
Bingo.
Iwanako blinks, pausing for a moment from the shock. A rush of sensations fills my mind as I start to take partial control, the cool of a rainy August morning, the confusion of all of this ghost-chasing mess, and now the chill she’s feeling from my being passing against her spine.
I relinquish all the control I can, letting Iwanako continue on her own. She appears and feels confused still, turning to the spot she’d just stepped away from but brushing it off when she sees nothing.
The plan is a success so far, and all I need now is for her to step through one of the barriers to complete the next phase. It’s a bit too much like stalking, but it’s the only way I can imagine pulling this off without permanently scaring her off. One more step…
Now would be a hilarious and inconvenient time for the world to toss me a curveball, but it does no such thing. Iwanako and I have both left Yamaku’s campus, my host leading us towards the road and pausing there for some time.
“I shouldn’t have told the cabbie to go into town…”
Everything had been so silent before that I just about jumped straight out of her. It’s all I can do to avoid raising her suspicions further, but Iwanako still feels a chill running down her spine.
“Oh dammit, I even wore something unflattering to stave off the chill and it hasn’t helped… I should have expected it would be colder out here, and on top of a hill no less…”
This sequence of events is certainly telling in and of itself, but very importantly, it’s covering a massive gap in my ability to read my hosts. I can get vague to strong ideas of their passions and emotions, but exact thoughts are elusive at the best of times.
Now though, it’s like she’s serving as interpreter for me, but a welling, uncomfortable sensation within her is raising questions.
I don’t have very long to contemplate it because she’s begun moving again, wordlessly this time. Her emotions morph into something far less brooding, almost as if she’s figured out how to distract herself. I could let myself be overwhelmed by her to more easily make sense of her actions, but given her comparative age to my experimental possessions, I’m afraid I might be unable to regain my independence.
In any case, it seems that she’s making her way into town while the cab is away. It isn’t a far walk, and she’s wearing comfortable clothing to make it that little bit more bearable.
Strange as it is, I’ve found myself on a stroll down Yamaku’s foreboding hill with my ex-girlfriend.
What a crazy world we live in.
Part Two
So that just happened.
Now I’m left with nothing but my thoughts and the results of my experiments for the next week, it seems. I suppose I could add talks with Kaede to the list, but after this unexpected episode of awkward, I can’t imagine she’s very eager to talk very much.
As apprehensive as I am that my break from the past month’s monotony lasted only about an hour, I’m actually kind of thankful to get this week to collect my thoughts on the experiment itself.
Of course, my experiment was complicated tremendously by unforeseen consequences related to the girl’s condition. I’m glad her loss of consciousness episode hadn’t taken my own mind, or else I wouldn’t have learned half of what I did. While I was still trying to collect all of my thoughts from our shared run, I hadn’t noticed a key, exploitable detail.
While I was partially possessing Matsuri, she and Shou had managed to wander to a place I’d never visited. The frustrating bubble keeping me from leaving Yamaku Academy has a weakness.
Of course, the troubling but also reassuring thing I learned immediately after this massive revelation was that my target suffers from epilepsy. On the one hand it’s good to know that possession alone won’t normally make a person faint, but on the other hand, Matsuri knew full well something wasn’t quite right the instant I touched her. I imagine one of the myriad emotions I had to interpret was self-worry.
To Shou’s credit, he was at least well aware of her condition and was able to get her back onto a familiar part of campus for treatment. While it would have been nice to know ahead of time, I really can’t lament the lack of context clues given to an invisible observer between two close friends, especially not in light of this little episode between Kaede and me. I didn’t want to pry too far into their dealings anyway after partially throwing into a loop like that, so I found other test subjects.
The general conclusion then is that I can go just about anywhere so long as I’m partly possessing somebody, but I cannot leave their body until they return to a place I’m familiar with. I wasn’t able to discern what constitutes a “familiar” place necessarily, but when I was able to hitch a ride into town, I was able to leave the body of my test subject once we entered the Shanghai, the tea café I visited at least once or twice in my whole week of living at Yamaku.
Extrapolating on that, I imagine I should be able to return home at any time as long as I find a host headed there. I’ve still got a sneaking suspicion that my death has kept me tied here at Yamaku specifically, and I might get violently ripped away if I stay anywhere too long… But I’m not eager to test that hypothesis just yet.
With every passing day this week now, my reasons for keeping this all a secret from Kaede seem to become flimsier and flimsier. The ability to leave my bubble would certainly give us a lot more flexibility in this little quest of ours… Yet I find myself afraid of repercussions.
In any case, I end up deciding the best course of action is to leave it off the table until after this fated meeting with Iwanako. After all, she went through all the trouble of arranging this, and it’s not like either of us had even an inkling that I could be brought to her rather than vice versa.
Of course, none of this seems to be addressing an obvious elephant in the room. In nine years, despite all inclinations to the contrary, only one person at Yamaku has been able to see me yet.
The idea that Iwanako will be able to experience anything other than a crazy schoolgirl talking to the air is almost absurd.
I feel like we’re banking a lot on how she interacts and reacts to me, or else Kaede would have just gotten a copy of the letter and been done with it. The both of us are relieved that Iwanako is so faultlessly diligent, but neither of us are expecting that it will hold all of the answers, I imagine.
My regrets run far deeper than a failed relationship, certainly, and even still I struggle to scratch the surface with them.
I’ve always heard of ghosts in stories knowing exactly what it was they missed in their life that keeps them from passing on, but I have no such privilege. Every time I try to give a definitive answer I balk, and I can’t even begin to imagine what it will be like to pass on.
It’s a frustrating thought process, and it inevitably ends with me thinking all of this has been fruitless, a grand waste of my own time. Worse than that, it looks like a grand waste of time on Kaede’s part. As much as she reassures me that she’s doing what interests her most, I still feel like a high schooler ought to be focusing more on other, more far-reaching things.
I might be biased considering my last experience with a mildly delusional high schooler, though Kaede has at least had some of her undoubtedly countless hours spent on research pay off to some extent.
It’s best not to droop into this train of thought. Without Kaede to talk to for the rest of this week, excepting passing smiles or waves when nobody could possibly notice, it would be demonstrably bad to slip into a misanthropic state. In any case, it’s unbecoming of a perpetually teenaged ghost to act like he’s some kind of adult.
Despite all of the impatience, I can scarcely believe it’s already Saturday when it does finally arrive. It’s been a fairly rainy week, quite odd for August, and today seems like it might finally break the streak of overcast and muggy days. I’m actually finding myself pretty thankful for my lack of sensation as a ghost, or else this weather might be murdering me.
Heh, I suppose it’s also good I’d be dead already anyway, too.
Kaede and I had a quick rendezvous yesterday, the bespectacled freshman usually able to get my attention on evening strolls through a number of means. This week it was tossing a five yen coin at the fences surrounding the roof, but other times just standing around has been enough.
Iwanako should be arriving shortly, and all I have now is my thoughts as the possibility of being faced with my ex for the first time in nine and a half years starts to come into clearer focus.
She knows I’m dead, for one thing, and yet she just couldn’t let bygones be bygones. Was the experience truly that memorable for her, or was Kaede just that capable of persuasion that an office worker was able to take time out of her busy life to entertain a high school girl’s strange whims.
Now that I’ve actually thought about it, her decision to claim it as “classified information” was likely a wise one.
It’s not as if I have any room to criticize methods myself, but it’s not like she needs to know that.
As quiet as Yamaku’s campus is on weekends, it’s hardly surprising that the arrival of a taxi fairly early in the morning is easy to pick out against all of the things not happening right now. If I still had a heart in my chest, I have a feeling it would be thumping erratically right now.
I decide not to get a closer look and be patient. There’s always the chance that Iwanako can see me, and it would probably not be well for her to see me without warning even in the best of cases. Kaede herself was partly expecting to see me when we met, and the shock of seeing me was enough to get her weak in the knees.
Honestly, I think I’m actually a bit nervous right now. The taxi can be seen leaving from my perch across from the access stairway now, its occupant likely meeting up with our liaison, and it’s hard to assure myself that whatever happens next won’t be a huge deal.
The telltale click of the access door signals the end of anticipation, and I can feel the apprehension inside me pooling to maximum capacity. In just a few moments, the first real step since finding somebody to talk to is occurring now, in the present. I bite my lip, watching the large metal door as it swings open, making light scratching noises against the roof’s gravel top.
In the lead is not the high school girl I’ve gotten used to seeing on a common basis, but somebody almost wholly unrecognizable. Rather than the expected office clothes, she’s wearing more comfortable sweatpants and sneakers, likely to stave off the morning cold. Her once flowingly long and smooth hair has been smartly bobbed, though she at least took the time of day to straighten it up.
What I can recognize is that same half-bewildered raise of dark, pencil-thin eyebrows, the same forehead that goes from crestfallen to bright in that motion, and those eyes that sparkle two brilliant hazels at the slightest embrace of light. It’s scarily close to the look she gave me during a winter day right around 4:00 PM many, many years ago.
As close as it is to how she looked during her confession before her then-adorable nerves caught on, it doesn’t last, her gaze not fixed upon me but several yards past me. She steps out of the threshold, the familiar brunette from the past few months following her in a similarly comfortable-looking outfit.
“Here we are,” She smirks, setting her cane aside and finding a seat elsewhere on the roof. “Not as grand an entrance as you might have been expecting, hmm?”
It’s incredibly hard to tell if she’s talking to me or Iwanako, but for the latter’s sake I keep silent.
“I don’t know what I was expecting.”
“I’m going to guess by your reaction that you can’t see him?”
Iwanako just nods, pinching the bridge of her nose. It’s strange to see her without that iconic long hair, but it’s somehow even stranger to be in the midst of a conversation about me that I can’t participate in at all.
“Well, that’s why I’m here. Even if I’m crazy, I can still convey messages if you’ll have me, Miss Daidouji.”
While it was only addressed directly to her, her nod my way tells me plenty. It’s probably about time I spoke up, but it would be a good idea not to use a highly cliché greeting.
“It’s been a long time.”
Dammit, Hisao.
“Really, you’re going with that line?”
“Well excuse me for folding under pressure!”
Kaede has to do all she can to stifle a sigh, shaking her head in disbelief as she relays the words to a less than amused Iwanako.
“This really is all one great big joke, huh?”
“It really seems like one. I guess she wasn’t at all counting on you not being able to see me.”
“Well, you told me as much. If it weren’t for the offer you were able to put on my desk…”
It’s hard not to sympathize with her right now considering she’s the only one of us having to deal with long gaps between responses like this, but at the very least she’s catching onto the conversation. It’s still apparent to me that she’s doubtful of this entire experience, but she’s entertaining us all the same.
To our interpreter’s credit, she’s doing her best, though I don’t think she appreciates that her words are hardly ever in her true voice.
“Listen,” Iwanako cuts me short relaying yet another response to Kaede in our seemingly endless spree of repetitious drivel. “I know I told you that I’d be willing to go along with all of this for your offer. I still am, but… I suppose I just wasn’t ready. I’ll be leaving, for now.”
If she could see my understanding, she might not look near as tense, but as it stands all Iwanako is able to see is Kaede’s face paling.
How strange. I’d never remembered her having any particular skin tone, but I’m still shocked to see just how ashen she looks right now. Iwanako seems taken aback herself.
“Kaede?” I inquire, my voice breaking the silence only for the two of us, unfortunately.
“Sorry, I’m fine, Hisao. Thank you very much for coming by Miss Daidouji.”
“Of course,” Iwanako can only nod along, her motions a bit stilted as she turns towards the door. “I’ll see myself out then.”
The atmosphere is heavy now, Iwanako leaving almost as quickly as she’d arrived. It’s a bittersweet moment for sure, and yet I’m not the one feeling the weight of it the worst as the two of us listen to her sneakers smacking against the access staircase.
I was expecting a lot of possibilities from this fateful encounter, but an inconclusive departure was the last thing on my mind. Iwanako wasn’t ever the type to enjoy being the butt of a joke, but I hadn’t imagined she’d carry that aspect of her personality all the way into office life. Even worse, she carried it on at the expense of a distraught high school girl.
Offering condolences would be the best course of action, but I can’t shake the feeling that trying to brush it all off just won’t cut it for Kaede. I can’t fathom why she’s exuding this aura, but it’s crushing my spirit all the same.
I think the reason it’s so frustrating though is simple, actually. I haven’t seen my ex in all these years, and this is the most I'm getting out of it?
“Hold on,” I say, wishing I could take a deep breath for anything other than dramatic effect. “I’ll be right back.”
“Hisao?” She blinks, broken out of her stupor while I phase through the fence. “Where the hell are you… What about the letter?”
“I’ll get to it in a minute. Just wait here, at Yamaku.”
There’s no time to explain further; I’ve already formulated my plan and I must enact it before my barriers hold me down completely. I could just tell Kaede to chase her down, but with her cane and the fact she’s in a state, I’m afraid of how partial possession will affect her. This is especially a concern when I consider that she’d be fully aware of my presence, unlike my unwitting test subjects from the past two weeks.
Now’s not the time to grandstand on the pedestal of ethics and proven results. Nothing is going to happen now unless I try something.
On the subject of proven results actually, I suppose I‘ve never taken time before to take stock of how quickly I can float someplace. Before I’ve even opened my eyes again from all this internal conversation, I feel a sharp tug keeping me from going further. I look down to see none other than the gate of Yamaku below me, my momentary panic replaced by understanding.
Kaede’s voice had called out to me from the roof on last time when I left, but since hitting the gate I can’t hear her. It’s hard to tell if I’m just that far from the main building or if she’s just cutting on the number of people she might inconvenience this morning…
It really hurts to think she’s forcing herself to think that way right now.
I turn back around, not taking myself to ground level in favor of a better vantage point. In any case, I seem to move quickly enough to pull this off, and the target is making her appearance leaving the main building just now.
Part of me feels incredibly dirty for saying this, but I’m coming for you, Iwanako.
My form rushes through the air as I reach maximum speed once again, closing the distance between us swiftly. There’s no accompanying rush of wind to signal my arrival, but that’s probably good for my plan. She continues to step forward, oblivious, until she eventually passes partway through me.
Bingo.
Iwanako blinks, pausing for a moment from the shock. A rush of sensations fills my mind as I start to take partial control, the cool of a rainy August morning, the confusion of all of this ghost-chasing mess, and now the chill she’s feeling from my being passing against her spine.
I relinquish all the control I can, letting Iwanako continue on her own. She appears and feels confused still, turning to the spot she’d just stepped away from but brushing it off when she sees nothing.
The plan is a success so far, and all I need now is for her to step through one of the barriers to complete the next phase. It’s a bit too much like stalking, but it’s the only way I can imagine pulling this off without permanently scaring her off. One more step…
Now would be a hilarious and inconvenient time for the world to toss me a curveball, but it does no such thing. Iwanako and I have both left Yamaku’s campus, my host leading us towards the road and pausing there for some time.
“I shouldn’t have told the cabbie to go into town…”
Everything had been so silent before that I just about jumped straight out of her. It’s all I can do to avoid raising her suspicions further, but Iwanako still feels a chill running down her spine.
“Oh dammit, I even wore something unflattering to stave off the chill and it hasn’t helped… I should have expected it would be colder out here, and on top of a hill no less…”
This sequence of events is certainly telling in and of itself, but very importantly, it’s covering a massive gap in my ability to read my hosts. I can get vague to strong ideas of their passions and emotions, but exact thoughts are elusive at the best of times.
Now though, it’s like she’s serving as interpreter for me, but a welling, uncomfortable sensation within her is raising questions.
I don’t have very long to contemplate it because she’s begun moving again, wordlessly this time. Her emotions morph into something far less brooding, almost as if she’s figured out how to distract herself. I could let myself be overwhelmed by her to more easily make sense of her actions, but given her comparative age to my experimental possessions, I’m afraid I might be unable to regain my independence.
In any case, it seems that she’s making her way into town while the cab is away. It isn’t a far walk, and she’s wearing comfortable clothing to make it that little bit more bearable.
Strange as it is, I’ve found myself on a stroll down Yamaku’s foreboding hill with my ex-girlfriend.
What a crazy world we live in.
Gustav Mahler wrote:If you find you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.
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Mirage_GSM
- Posts: 6148
- Joined: Mon Jun 28, 2010 2:24 am
- Location: Germany
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 1/25/17)
Nice to see you're back.
Seems the changes to previous chapters really were minor, since I didn't find myself inconvenienced by not rereading them
Seems the changes to previous chapters really were minor, since I didn't find myself inconvenienced by not rereading them
Emi > Misha > Hanako > Lilly > Rin > Shizune
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
My collected KS-Fan Fictions: Mirage's Myths
Sore wa himitsu desu.griffon8 wrote:Kosher, just because sex is your answer to everything doesn't mean that sex is the answer to everything.
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 1/25/17)
Yeah, the biggest change is that I made the end of chapter 4 different. Not only did this improve the writing overall, but it gave me more to work with later, even as simple as the change is. Glad you've been giving it a read, I'm more determined than ever to see this out to the end, but I need to self impose a break or else risk serious burnoutMirage_GSM wrote:Nice to see you're back.
Seems the changes to previous chapters really were minor, since I didn't find myself inconvenienced by not rereading them
Gustav Mahler wrote:If you find you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 1/25/17)
I was honestly not a big fan of the concept when I first read what it was. But your writing immediately drew me in and I read everything you've written. This is really unique and I'm very curious to see where you'll take it.
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 1/25/17)
I'm beginning to comprehend just how rough the concept must be now considering how the fanbase is. I thought it was a hard sell before I even wrote it, but it seems in practice it's even worse than I thought haha. Glad you've been able to get through it so far, though, the story should be picking up with timeZerebos wrote:I was honestly not a big fan of the concept when I first read what it was. But your writing immediately drew me in and I read everything you've written. This is really unique and I'm very curious to see where you'll take it.
Gustav Mahler wrote:If you find you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 1/25/17)
Meanwhile, in neutral ending land, our heroes have a quick discussion...
Big thanks to rtil for drawing to my whims. Some different things should be coming in the approaching months
Big thanks to rtil for drawing to my whims. Some different things should be coming in the approaching months
Gustav Mahler wrote:If you find you're boring your audience, go slower not faster.
Re: Regrets - A Post-Bad End Musing (Updated 1/25/17)
I've read various ghosts stories here before, but this one might just be my favorite.
One thing I really enjoy is how Hisao doesn't just immediately start haunting the place. It takes him nearly a decade before anything happens. In that way, you manage to isolate the character from any of the cast that we might know which only serves to highlight Hisao's isolation even more.
As a plus to that, I like how you're not even mentioning an of the old cast. Hisao never grew attached to them. he knew them for a week years ago. They weren't important and now they're gone.
I am a bit surprised that the two of them didn't have anything set up for when Iwanako came though. Since Hisao can interact with objects, shouldn't they have had something that he could move around to prove he was there?
One thing I really enjoy is how Hisao doesn't just immediately start haunting the place. It takes him nearly a decade before anything happens. In that way, you manage to isolate the character from any of the cast that we might know which only serves to highlight Hisao's isolation even more.
As a plus to that, I like how you're not even mentioning an of the old cast. Hisao never grew attached to them. he knew them for a week years ago. They weren't important and now they're gone.
I am a bit surprised that the two of them didn't have anything set up for when Iwanako came though. Since Hisao can interact with objects, shouldn't they have had something that he could move around to prove he was there?
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