Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Akagami]

I've been there before, it sucks Satan's balls and I feel for you. But let this pain teach you a lesson for the future; notice what happened here:

1. You met her 4 months ago, didn't make your move until 1 month later, and she told you that she doesn't see you as anything more than a friend.
2. Yet she's falling for a guy she met less than 2 weeks ago.

This no doubt strikes you as hideously unfair, and on some level I'd be inclined to agree, but it is what it is, and now you must deal with it. This is actually a very common pattern, if you care to look; think of all the couples that you know, and how they met. Only in TV shows and romcom flicks do longtime male and female friends suddenly discover, to their mutual delight, a passionate carnal ardor for each other. In real life, it's far more often the case that a guy meets a girl, makes his romantic intentions immediately clear, leads the relationship quickly and decisively in the direction of the bedroom, and then becomes her best friend and confidant after their sizzling sexual chemistry is already well-established.

Read these articles, and then read them again:

http://www.girlschase.com/content/just- ... -nightmare
http://www.girlschase.com/content/escalation-windows
http://www.girlschase.com/content/how-g ... -ever-need
http://www.girlschase.com/content/cant- ... more-girls

I am sorry, but you have probably lost this girl. I'd wager that you'd only have a chance with her if you cut off contact with her--for months, at a bare minimum--and then re-establish a relationship with the proper frame the second time around, after both of you have had time to wipe the slate clean. But given the depth of your feelings, and her awareness of how head-over-heels in love with her you are, I doubt even a long break will be enough to reset your friendship to the point that you can push things in a romantic direction. Certainly I never had any luck extricating myself from the dreaded friendzone.

Even tossing aside the extremely low-probability chance that you could get this girl after taking a break, I'd advise you to take a break from this girl anyway, for your own good. Trust me, as someone who's been there before, I can tell you right now that absolutely nothing productive will come from hanging around, continuing to be her friend, while the new guy either hits it off with her (while you drive yourself crazy imagining the two of them together) or the new guy breaks her heart (and she uses you as a shoulder to cry on, torturing you with the hope that she'll suddenly realize how much better you are for her...but this never, ever happens). Tell her that you care for her very much and that you wish to still be friends sometime in the future, but at present, it is simply too painful for you to continue interacting with her, and that you hope she understands. And then walk away. No texts, emails, facebook or anything. Walk away.

It hurts, but you must let her go. She is not as special or as perfect as you think. There are plenty of women out there who are just as special, and just as perfect, and who would love to meet you, if only you could get over this girl and go find them.

Good luck.

And that is just why i absolutely adore this community. Thank you for your advice.

No, it does not strike me as unfair.

About that whole contact-stopping thing.. I don't know if i have the strenght for that, and that terrifies me. She told me, i was the best friend she ever had and i do not want to disappoint her. I don't even know where to start...
To me, she is that special and that perfect, as she was the first girl i ever met who took me for who i am and who actually cared for me.
I am already disappointed in myself for not being able to give her all that she desires. I just feel like i failed. Over the last few weeks, the only thing on this earth that mattered to me was her to be happy. And I tried everything. I did everything for her just to see her smile. And if, at the end of the day, i realised that she still wasn't happy, i just hated myself and still do.
All of my life, my hopes and dreams, seem so irrelevant whereas hers are the most important thing on earth to me.

The biggest point is, I'm not sad or disappointed or angry because she fell for another guy.
These feelings are there because I failed.

We already decided, that i will meet up with her after work tomorrow for a quick talk.. and If it comes to the point where i can't take it anymore I will walk away. Although i already know that i will cry, alot, I do know that it might just be best for Her. So She can concentrate on the other guy and forget about me. Forget about my feelings and maybe, if all goes well, forget that i exist. If that is what it takes to make Her happy, if I was the wall that stood between her and her happiness, then i will gladly walk away with a smile on my face knowing I maybe didn't fail as hard as i thought.

[Gamera Ramen]

We already decided, that i will meet up with her after work tomorrow for a quick talk.. and If it comes to the point where i can't take it anymore I will walk away. Although i already know that i will cry, alot, I do know that it might just be best for Her. So She can concentrate on the other guy and forget about me. Forget about my feelings and maybe, if all goes well, forget that i exist. If that is what it takes to make Her happy, if I was the wall that stood between her and her happiness, then i will gladly walk away with a smile on my face knowing I maybe didn't fail as hard as i thought.

Throwing my two cents in as someone who recently went through something similar, if you don't mind.

Her forgetting you isn't going to help her. What needs to happen is for you to forget her. These feelings you have for her are only going to continue to make you miserable as time goes on. Yes, they're powerful, but you need to stifle them for your own good. Feeling this way towards someone else is unhealthy, especially if you're not romantically involved with them. I know that this doesn't sound pleasant, but it has to happen for your sake. Until you can stop putting her on a pedestal, you and your relationship with her are not going to recover.

You haven't failed in any way; you were never responsible for doing anything. Even just being her friend is more than anyone could ask. In this time as her friend, you've made her happy, right? Then you've done all that you needed to. You can cherish the memories of being with her, but this overly-devoted mindset is too far.

You definitely need a break from her, whether it's temporary or permanent. If you feel guilty about severing ties without warning, maybe talk with her about this. Tell her that you need to take some time away from her, that you need to try and recover from these feelings. This isn't about making her happy; this is about taking back your own happiness. It'll be hard at first, sure, but this will heal with time. I promise. And eventually, when you've finally chased away all of these unwelcome feelings, the two of you can reconnect, this time without the emotional coloring.

[Akagami]

Throwing my two cents in as someone who recently went through something similar, if you don't mind.

Her forgetting you isn't going to help her. What needs to happen is for you to forget her. These feelings you have for her are only going to continue to make you miserable as time goes on. Yes, they're powerful, but you need to stifle them for your own good. Feeling this way towards someone else is unhealthy, especially if you're not romantically involved with them. I know that this doesn't sound pleasant, but it has to happen for your sake. Until you can stop putting her on a pedestal, you and your relationship with her are not going to recover.

You haven't failed in any way; you were never responsible for doing anything. Even just being her friend is more than anyone could ask. In this time as her friend, you've made her happy, right? Then you've done all that you needed to. You can cherish the memories of being with her, but this overly-devoted mindset is too far.

You definitely need a break from her, whether it's temporary or permanent. If you feel guilty about severing ties without warning, maybe talk with her about this. Tell her that you need to take some time away from her, that you need to try and recover from these feelings. This isn't about making her happy; this is about taking back your own happiness. It'll be hard at first, sure, but this will heal with time. I promise. And eventually, when you've finally chased away all of these unwelcome feelings, the two of you can reconnect, this time without the emotional coloring.

Why would i mind? I posted this here so people could throw in their two cents

Well after our talk on monday, a few things have come clear.
First of all,she told me that those feelings she developed for that guy were just sorta crushy feelings that are almost out again anyways.. most people would already be relieved at this point but nah, I wasn't.
I told her just about everything. How much i really love her, how i think i've failed her and how i will go if she tells me to.
Wanna know what she said?
She said i did make her happy every single day we've spent together. She said i haven't failed at all. And she said I'm stupid for even thinking that she might tell me to go.
She assured me, that i, in fact, am the best friend she's ever had and that noone has been there for here this much as I have. And that's why I have decided to take a break.
I haven't told her yet, i will on Saturday, but I will definitely take a break. I will focus on myself this one time... i've thought about it every second since that talk with her and just now I came to the conclusion, that it will probably be best, for both of us.

If, after a few weeks or months, depending on how long these feelings will stay, she still wants me as her friend, then i will gladly be there. But only after those feelings have passed.

I already know that both of us will cry alot on saturday, but there is no other way around it.
Warmest Thank You to you guys and for your words. I really am glad that there are people who are so kind, caring and just lovely like on this world.

[Black Knight]

I haven't told her yet, i will on Saturday, but I will definitely take a break. I will focus on myself this one time... i've thought about it every second since that talk with her and just now I came to the conclusion, that it will probably be best, for both of us.

If, after a few weeks or months, depending on how long these feelings will stay, she still wants me as her friend, then i will gladly be there. But only after those feelings have passed.

Hey man, good for you. It takes steel to walk away from a bond like this; even if it's hard at first, remember that you'll be stronger and happier for it in the end.

Hopefully you two aren't co-workers or classmates or anything that necessitates ongoing contact, even if it's only marginal. Much easier to get over these things without the physical proximity.

As a bit of practical advice, I'd suggest setting a minimum length of time for your break, preferably a length of time longer than you think you'll actually need. E.g. if you think you'll need 2 months to get over her, tell yourself you're not allowed to re-establish contact (or respond to her attempts to do so) for 3 months, and put a hard date on it. When you leave the length of the break too ambiguous, you may get sucked back in before you're ready.

Also be aware that it's difficult to truly get over this kind of attachment without any alternatives to it in your life. You may "get over" her, but find your feelings returning once you start hanging out again, if you are not otherwise romantically fulfilled. A bit crass, but there is a lot of truth to the old saying that the easiest way to get over someone is to get under (or on top of, as the case may be) someone else.

[Broken Yet Whole]

... I found out yesterday one of my friends passed away.

...

Grabs chalkboard, adds another tally mark

... I'm not even hurting, I'm just too numb to hurt. Maybe I'll hurt eventually, but now, no, no pain in sight

[Gamera Ramen]

... I found out yesterday one of my friends passed away.

...

Grabs chalkboard, adds another tally mark

... I'm not even hurting, I'm just too numb to hurt. Maybe I'll hurt eventually, but now, no, no pain in sight

That's...that's a really rough thing to learn about (no matter how times it's happened before.) I'm sorry that you're going through this sort of thing. Take your time to recover, pal.

[Broken Yet Whole]

That's...that's a really rough thing to learn about (no matter how times it's happened before.) I'm sorry that you're going through this sort of thing. Take your time to recover, pal.

It's at the point where I have to think a bit just to get an exact number on deaths of people I care about. As far as I can remember, I'm at eleven.

[ArazelEternal]

Hey Folks, im sorry if its a bad timing or just absolutely blows up the current topic..
I've posted here before, that was 1 1/2 years ago and I can truly say that the people on here are wonderful. Never have i felt so accepted before, thats why im confident enough to tell you a new story.
A little information: I have never been in a stable relationship. Well i was in 2 which lasted 2 weeks each, but there were almost no feelings involved whatsoever.
So i met this girl about 4 months ago, she quickly began to see me as her best friend and i was really happy about it. About a month ago i finally felt it, i felt that i love her with every inch of my body. And i told her. She said she does not want to hurt me as she is currently not able to form a relationship with me simply because the feelings aren't there but she would love to try it. So i didnt keep my feelings to myself for the last couple of weeks as she knew that i love her and she always liked to hear me say it. We did come a bit closer and the feelings just grew stronger and stronger from my side although there hasn't yet come the moment where she was ready for a relationship. But then, today, she told me that she is developing feelings for some guy she met 1 1/2 weeks ago and I'm just sitting here wanting to cry but i can't.
She means the world to me and the last thing i want is her being sad because of me. I know it might be unhealthy but I'm putting her first , everytime. I want her to be as happy as she ever was, no matter the cost, even if that means seeing her with that other guy. I always keep telling her if she is down, that i will always be by her side and always be there for her. But right now i don't know if i will even be able to stay friends with her and it hurts. I have never had such strong feelings for anyone, ever, but at the moment i just wish i never had them. I just don't know what to do. I'm sitting here in front of my Laptop asking myself "How on earth is writing this going to help me?". I really want to cry, but i just can't. I can't cry because i know, or atleast hope, that she will be happy with him. And as long as she is happy i see no reason to cry because she is everything that matters to me. I told her i need some time to myself.. maybe until this stupid thing called love is gone. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to loose her or to hurt her feelings. I'm afraid, because she is the most perfect girl i have ever met in my entire life, she is and has everything i love. She is the one i've dreamt of since i was born. I just don't want to lose her... I don't know how to handle this situation, its completely new to me...

If you read all this: Thank you, it means a lot to me that there are people out there who care about someone's idiotic problems.


Edit 1: The thing that makes me want to cry the most is that she won't stop blaming herself for my feelings. I even told that i want to be the one that has to bear the blame. I don't want her to feel guilty because it might stop her from being as happy as she could be.

God damn, man. I know what your going through. It is beyond painful. To watch someone you love that deeply and so completely chose someone else over you? That is so ludicrously hurtful that it defies explanation. As impossible as it may seem, you just have to go on and continue living. There are other people out there. But you will never love like that again. Dont misunderstand, Im not saying you wont love again at all. What I am getting at is that no two times are ever the same. Each time you love, it will be for a different reason because the person will be different. You just have to keep on keeping on and keep trying. It will happen sometime.

... I found out yesterday one of my friends passed away.

...

Grabs chalkboard, adds another tally mark

... I'm not even hurting, I'm just too numb to hurt. Maybe I'll hurt eventually, but now, no, no pain in sight

Im really sorry to hear that. Life can seem so unfair sometimes. It knocks you down and just keeps kicking, and kicking, and kicking you in the side as you are laying there cradleing yourself in agony and gasping for breath that doesnt come. Unfortunately you eventually come to know that life isnt fair and it never will be. It will take everything important from you it can if given the chance. You just need to not let it destroy you and keep moving on.

[Munchenhausen]

... I found out yesterday one of my friends passed away.

...

Grabs chalkboard, adds another tally mark

... I'm not even hurting, I'm just too numb to hurt. Maybe I'll hurt eventually, but now, no, no pain in sight

I can kinda relate, mate. A bloke I knew named Terry passed away in the last week, but I don't really feel like I know him enough to take his death as a serious impact on my life.

I'd known this guy since I was born, adn although we haven't met too often, he'd been very prtotective over me when I was around. My dad was good mated with him, and he treated me liek some kind if abstract god-son.
I remember I use to always go over and put his caravan awning up for him, because he was getting older and frailer, and he always tried to pay me in return, but I always refused. He promised me every event that he was gonna buy me a pint in thanks.

he never got the chance. I kinda feel like it was my fault, that I kept putting my wants and needs over his own.
I know hisn death wasnt my fault, but I feel as thoyugh I could hae chatted with him more, talked and joked more, got to knowhim properly.

RIP, Terry. Godspeed, you magnificent bastard.

[Broken Yet Whole]

I can kinda relate, mate. A bloke I knew named Terry passed away in the last week, but I don't really feel like I know him enough to take his death as a serious impact on my life.

I'd known this guy since I was born, adn although we haven't met too often, he'd been very prtotective over me when I was around. My dad was good mated with him, and he treated me liek some kind if abstract god-son.
I remember I use to always go over and put his caravan awning up for him, because he was getting older and frailer, and he always tried to pay me in return, but I always refused. He promised me every event that he was gonna buy me a pint in thanks.

he never got the chance. I kinda feel like it was my fault, that I kept putting my wants and needs over his own.
I know hisn death wasnt my fault, but I feel as thoyugh I could hae chatted with him more, talked and joked more, got to knowhim properly.

RIP, Terry. Godspeed, you magnificent bastard.

Wow... That's... Just...

...

I... I seriously want to cry... I'm at work, and I just finished Sisterhood, I am about to cry and I am trying so damn hard not to.

...

I... My friends... My family... T... They would be proud of me... They would be proud of where I am in life... I... I hope they would be, anyway... I'm getting help for my problems... But I've been through a lot...

...

I... I've come to realize... I'm still bitter over the divorce... I have my family... But honestly... It doesn't feel like a family, it hasn't felt like family in a long time...

...

I'm hopeless...

[Akagami]

God damn, man. I know what your going through. It is beyond painful. To watch someone you love that deeply and so completely chose someone else over you? That is so ludicrously hurtful that it defies explanation. As impossible as it may seem, you just have to go on and continue living. There are other people out there. But you will never love like that again. Dont misunderstand, Im not saying you wont love again at all. What I am getting at is that no two times are ever the same. Each time you love, it will be for a different reason because the person will be different. You just have to keep on keeping on and keep trying. It will happen sometime.

No.. no it's not about the fact that she chose someone else. It's about these feelings standing between us as friends. I told her yesterday. I told her that i need to take a break, that we need some time apart for those feelings to settle down because... (and well at this point i just started crying) .. if she sees me as her best friend, than those feelings must go in order for me to truly be there for her as a best friend. If i could only manage my feelings a bit better i would absolutely love to be her best friend. Without loving her the way i do now.

She then sent me a text when i was at the train-station on my way home and after reading it i missed 4 trains because i was crying and shaking as the words she wrote were the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me. It was the first time someone showed me how important i really am and now im sitting here again in front of the laptop, wondering if that really was the right choice.
She told me that it feels like a piece of her heart was just ripped out and left a hole.. she started crying as soon as she closed the door, i heard it.... i feel terrible, i feel like i've just done the worst thing a human could possibly do. I never wanted her to cry because of me, now she did.
I.... my head is empty right now, there are no words left, i don't know what do do from here on..

[Penindes]

Hi there.. I'm new on here.. i've just discovered this board and this topic just.. I want to tell you a story.

I'm a 21 year old male. Decently attractive i suppose, never had a girlfriend, never came close to having one either. That's not why im writing this.
At 20 I moved away from my parents house as i have a job that pays well enough for me to live in an apartment with 1 room and a bathroom. I don't need anymore space. Because noone will ever visit me.
I had a very, very dear friend some time a ago. My best friend. The best friend i could've ever hoped to have. She was just like me, we were into the same music, the same movies, books, games, food, animals, activities.. we could just sit silently by each others side for 6 hours straight and still feel more than comfortable. We spent almost every other day together and i helped her over 2 break-ups. She was beautiful aswell. There were just so many guys that wanted to be with her but she chose me most of the time. Because i truly was important to her.
And then i fucked up. I fell in love with her... badly. And as i told her, she said "it's fine, really, i would love to give it a try with you, i think you would be the perfect boyfriend.. but.. i just can't at the moment. My heart is blocking all feelings.. it's broken and i need to fix it first."
She promised me, she promised me that it was the truth. She promised me, that she never lied to me. I hold onto these feelings for almost 2 months. She always said.. maybe it will work out as soon as i fixed my heart..
One day Her and I were talking a bit and she asked me if i could borrow her a little bit of money because she wants to visit a friend.
The next day she sent me a picture.. of her lying in bed with that guy, obviously naked. Telling me she fell in love with him. I couldn't. I just.. i stopped to breath for a minute..
I began to write message after message, full of anger, despair.. not because she fell in love with someone. But because she promised me, she wasn't lying when she said "it's not you, it's me", "i'm trying", "i just dont want and can't have a relationship at the moment, with noone"... I felt.. so..so..dumb. Why did i believe her?
I decided really quickly. I wrote her, one last time, "I love you".. and then blocked her on everything she couldve reached me on.
The next day she turned up at my parents house (where i still lived) and we talked a bit. I cried a lot. She did not understand that it was not because she fell in love.
She did not understand that it was because i trusted her, that i believed her every word she said. Because she promised me that she would never lie to me.
I asked her... Who is your best friend?.. She said "You are"... and i said No. That was the last time i've heard of her. And that was almost 2 years ago. 2 weeks later i got my own apartment. She never knew where it was.
I had no friends she could ask. Even my family didnt seem to care where i lived. If they even noticed that i was gone.
I had noone to talk to about my feelings since i lost her. I had noone since i lost her. She was the only person i liked. And she still is. But i can't go back. I want to, but i can't.
The world doesn't care that i exist. Noone cares. She probably even forgot me already.
The only people who would know that I'm gone if i were to end it all right now would be my Co-Workers. And maybe the guy next door. But other than that. I don't see a point in living right now.
I turned away from the only anchor i had in my life. My hopes.. my dreams.. are starting to fade away..
The only thing that keeps me from ending it, are the memories of the time i spent with her. I still love her. I never stopped loving her. And I will die loving her.
And thats my story.

[Liminaut]

Penindes,

I remember the first women I fell in love with. I'm married now, but yes I'm still a little in love with her, and I treasure that ember.

There's a Janis Joplin song that goes "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose". It sounds like you've got nothing left to lose, right? So you've got total freedom. Get out. Go places. Do anything. Especially stupid things Learn kung fu, learn meditation, go to church, go to bars, you're 21 and there is nothing holding you down.

What do you have to lose?

[Broken Yet Whole]

...

I wish I knew what love long lost was like, I've been single for twenty one years.

...

I can probably count the love towards my fallen relatives and friends though...

[Penindes]

What do you have to lose?

That is a good question. A hard one, too. I don't know. The only things that i can still lose are my Job, my Apartment and my Life. In that order. I don't have anything more to lose because i already lost it. Every little spark of hope in my head cries and screams "let me go". I'm having nightmares every single night, I can't get sleep.
I want to do things other than work, eat and sleep.. but i simply can't. Everything reminds me of the only friend i ever had and everything that reminds me of her makes me cry, either because it's so beautiful of a memory that i am grateful for having it, or because it's a memory that reminds me of the loss of the most valuable thing i ever had in life.

I want to make friends. I tried, i still try. But it does not work. People don't like me for who i am, people don't like me when i pretend to be someone else. People don't like me. She was the only exception. Nobody notices me, nobody seems to know that i exist or that i just finished that job that is so important to the boss. It's just finished. Magic. I'm pretty sure even She forgot me already. I hope she did.


I want to thank you people for reading this. Even if you don't care about me, because let's be honest, why would you? It feels good to be able to let even a tiny fraction of all those bloody feelings out.