Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[300BillionDegrees]

Your problems are not insignificant, but neither are they insurmountable (or at least handleable). Just keep on keeping on, and you'll find a way.

[Rum&Cola]

It's weird that there is nothin wrong within my life. There is now real pain in my life but i feel like shit. I don't belong anywhere and there is no real reason to live anymore. Life is just a scam and everything is bullshit. This feeling won't go away no matter what I do. It is completely pointless to be alive and I would kill myself if I would be brave enough.

People come up with weird shit after drinking one litre of vodka.

[Broken Yet Whole]

Err... Sort of major update... I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance Tuesday.

Still don't have a damned clue about what's causing my problems, but I have an appointment with the Pulmonary and Critical Medicine ward of the hospital on October 10th. Until then, boss has ordered me on desk duty at work.

[300BillionDegrees]

Hang in there!

[erundil]

"How lonely Hanako must have felt to keep playing the tile game at her age" - when I read it in the OP, it really surprised me at first. It's normal, isn't it? I'm 26 and still doing it... How is it a sign of loneliness?
But on a second thought - it is, after all.

It's just that what other people call loneliness, I call reality. Up to the point when I start calling it normality, and ultimately forget, that it may not be normal for the rest of society.
And here I was, sitting safely in my denial zone, feeling nothing, almost, and it wasn't all that bad.

The feels - I both love and hate Katawa Shoujo for bringing them out.

[Kutagh]

Apparently, my last post on KSOF was in March... Just to reiterate, I'm mostly a lurker rather than an active participant, but I do keep tabs on HBHC

@erundil: Reality is what you make it be... Just like the truth tends to be subjective. And everyone tends to be quirky in one way or another. In fact, some people have OCD about how they walk, for others it might be a way to distract themselves during an otherwise 'mundane' activity and there may be various other reasons for the tile game.

@Broken, hope everything is fine there... Get well soon!

Anyway, quick status update here. That masters degree I was talking about in the previous post? The university is being a pain about the curriculum that I had at my previous university. Sent in my enrollment application with the appropriate papers, got a rejection stating that my enrollment was declined but with the offer of following a supplementary program (pre-master) to make up for the missing competences (so no reasoning why). Weird, since their enrollment requirements state that you need a Computer Science degree (which I do have, with the specialization of Game Technology ). Got in touch with someone that could look into it, according to her the issue was my specialization not being similar enough to 'normal' Computer Science.... Lodged an official complaint about it, stating that the specialization either utilizes courses that are similar to normal CS courses (with almost identical learning goals) or force courses which normal CS students can pick to get an identical set of competences as I have acquired through the specialization... Complaint first sent to the department that declined the enrollment to check for an informal resolution, basically no dice and they complain that I didn't supplement any reasoning why I shouldn't need the supplementary program (uh what? They're the ones in the first place giving absolutely no reasoning as to declining my enrollment application despite having the required degree which normally should give direct enrollment without supplementary programs....). So the official hearing is in two weeks or so Meh....
In other news, just got back from a holiday in Corsica, 2 weeks, on my own Honda Shadow 600 (that I bought just over a week after the previous post, it had about 11.5K miles on the clock). Clocked quite a few miles on the bike, started the holiday with about 16.5k miles and it now has 19.5k miles Great weather in Corsica, great views and several great roads for speeding my bike through The trip to the starting point and back were meh (just highway miles, about 600 miles to the starting point in the Dolomites, which was quite fun to drive... and 800 miles back to home from Livorno in Italy). Would do such a trip again, though to somewhere else and prolly transport my bike through a company and take a flight instead of doing that travel myself
Final point of news, since one month ago I now am renting my own appartment Unfortunately no place for my bike, aside from that it is just an amazing appartment Still in progress of moving my stuff there, but in principle I can live there (the essentials are all there). Wheeeee...... Expensive as hell though, my savings have dwindled quite a bit by now

[Kakureboshi]

"How lonely Hanako must have felt to keep playing the tile game at her age" - when I read it in the OP, it really surprised me at first. It's normal, isn't it? I'm 26 and still doing it... How is it a sign of loneliness?
But on a second thought - it is, after all.

It's just that what other people call loneliness, I call reality. Up to the point when I start calling it normality, and ultimately forget, that it may not be normal for the rest of society.
And here I was, sitting safely in my denial zone, feeling nothing, almost, and it wasn't all that bad.

The feels - I both love and hate Katawa Shoujo for bringing them out.

Now that you mention it, I sometimes wonder what kind of behaviors I exhibit make it obvious how socially inept I am. It's not like I care, because not feeling the need to follow all of society's little nitpicks on how people "should" behave has its upsides and downsides. But sometimes I can't help but wonder what things I do are weird to "normal" people. My reality, in the form of actions and thoughts, just seems to clash with everyone I've met's perception of "normal". In that sense, I feel similar to you, I think. I don't presume to understand you, it's just your comment resonated with me.

The way I am makes me feel like I really don't fit with society, or that I will never be able to truly connect to another individual, because the way I act or think might give others the wrong impression that I don't want to connect with them. But I do. And that's something I want to focus on eventually. But my priorities reside in making sure I can financially support myself and my family first. My studies leave me too physically and mentally drained so as to dedicate myself to trying to develop a skill I never even cared about until recently (socialization). I'll just have to bear with the "loneliness" that ails me in my weakest moments, yet I feel fine most of the time. It isn't all that bad, right?

Hmmmm. I was feeling rather verbose today. But this was a neat exercise in catharsis. I might need to make a longer post here to see what kinds of feedback I get about my life story and my current thought patterns. But while I was feeling verbose, I do not feel that talkative right now. That will be a story for another time.

@Broken Yet Whole, do update us with your situation. The best I can offer you is the support of some random guy on the internet, so here you have it: I hope you get better soon.

@Kutagh, Sounds like you had a nice vacation! Good for you man! Also bureaucracy is always a pain in the butt, specially when it comes to universities. sigh Good luck with your Master's.

[Broken Yet Whole]

Update on things!

My lung issues still haven't improved, seeing a doctor one week from today about it. Been seeing a denchist to get my teeth taken care of, getting some fillings done. Then, it's off to the orthodontist for braces.

Aside from my varying medical issues, life's been okay at best. Work's been quiet, easy, something I enjoy. Therapy's not helped much, going for another session Monday. I almost had a panic attack getting dinner after work yesterday, there were far too many people in the McDonald's for me to be comfortable. Managed to get my food and flee out of there, thank goodness, but it was not fun...

[THEMADECK]

Sure, I'm feeling open right now i'm kinda drunk and if my friends find this it doesn't make me any less awesome since I can get quite long I'm just gonna sum it up quick

not chronological so try to piece it out

Alcoholic mother frequently threatened to run away or kill herself also had epilepsy which scared me as a child then when i was 9 she died from an epileptic fit
Live on farm so dad works all the time never saw him much as a child mainly at night for supper time
wasnt taught much by parents so ended up being naive about the world and I couldnt interact with people since house in in the middle of nowhere
Lonely kid in school only one in my year played with lego in corner until my best friend came up to me and asked "Hello do you want to be friends" my reply "ok"
Secondary school go there with no friends get bullied throughout secondary school have many embarrassing moments some make for funny stories
Was always awkward around the subject of mothers until I manned up
Bullying made me a hate filled person
after that learned to be a good boy again
unpleasant secondary school life
had many friend groups that all moved onto to someone else
me and my good friends are drifting cause we dont see each other we rarely play online anymore
fuck it ive moved on and have little tricks to help me when im down now im a narcissist

Im just rambling now

[ArazelEternal]

Update on things!

My lung issues still haven't improved, seeing a doctor one week from today about it. Been seeing a denchist to get my teeth taken care of, getting some fillings done. Then, it's off to the orthodontist for braces.

Aside from my varying medical issues, life's been okay at best. Work's been quiet, easy, something I enjoy. Therapy's not helped much, going for another session Monday. I almost had a panic attack getting dinner after work yesterday, there were far too many people in the McDonald's for me to be comfortable. Managed to get my food and flee out of there, thank goodness, but it was not fun...

You're not alone on that. I also get rather flustered and overwhelmed in loud, bustling places. My autism doesnt help with that at all either. Some places are just sensory overload to the max.

[MonsterStyle]

Does this thread even work? I'll try it anyway.
Disclaimer - i'm not from an english-speaking country, my english might not be perfect or even good.

Do you hear about kids that are overloaded with work by their parents? I mean, gymnastics on Monday and Wednesday, extra English at Tuesdays and Thursdays, all after classes and so on. Well, that's me. My childhood was just standing up at 7 am and coming back home at 7 pm just to get back to books, go to sleep at 12 pm and it started again. I got smacked in the face for getting B on tests, heard things like "you're worthless", "you're useless", "you stink". In addition to this, stuff that i liked was (and still is) heavily ridiculed because it wasn't anything for my school. Video games were obviously hated, but so was listening to music or reading books - if it doesn't help with your grades, it's useless. And you are too. Obviously i was still doing it. I don't have to say that efforts to get a hobby and try something new didn't went very good either. "You're going to drop it after a week, don't even start" and that's all.
Now i just don't talk to my parents. There's nothing more i can write about, we just don't talk. Sometimes i wish they were dead and sometimes i wish i was.
I didn't have friends at school either, shocking, right? I guess we just didn't had anything in common, noone listened to the same music i did, played similar games and so on. No bullying, just... isolation. I barely remember the last time i talked to someone for longer that a few minutes.
Two years ago i've read about this game. Obvious "hentai cripple porn" came to my mind, but i can't go down much more as far as self-esteem goes, so i played it. And Rin path kinda tore me apart. Mostly how noone really cared who she was, what she wanted to do. It was just "i don't get this weird girl". Kinda like me, but i'm not a girl.
So, i'm here now, completely without faith in myself, not trusting anyone (that might be for good). I wish i could just say "you ain't shit, you can do stuff", but i can't. I'm not good at anything, i'm not even average. It's just about being bad or worse. And i feel like this since i was 12 or something like this. Like i'm just existing for nothing and noone cares cause i'm not good enought for anyone. I got to an university at computer science (the least bad thing i could do) but i don't see any way how i'm supposed to even pass the first year. So i kinda just am. I've read that spitting out stuff like this might help with your brain but now i just have a headache.
Fuck it, i'm submitting this. I wonder if it's even readable.

[Staffy3]

I have my story to tell if that's ok.
My first real girlfriend, a long distance affair (she was from Germany and I from the UK.) Things went well for the first year or so. She had a bit of an obsession with a J-Pop idol, but I didn't mind. Eventually I trust her enough to talk about a time where a friend of mine... may have abused me when I was younger.
Time passes and it ends up that I'm the one who is always beginning the conversation on Facebook. I didn't mind but I felt like she wasn't putting my effort in.
Then, this idol she adores is accused of raping a woman. I recalled a time where I saw her post on YouTube "please rape me Gackt-sama." Of course this deeply hurt me. After some debilitating I break up with her a month before we were due to meet in London. I regret the motion and unblock her and see if we can meet. We eventually meet somewhere else, she acts cold towards me.
I plead and beg for her to take me back, she ends up blocking me from everywhere and I end up carrying on with my final year of uni.
Then, one of my uncles passes away. I felt grief and pushed myself to work all the time to compensate... I join the gym and things look up.
Then, around late Octoberish two years ago, I decide to check her Twitter. She seems depressed and suicidal. I email her out of concern with the help of a friend of mine.
We end up talking and the cause of her depression was that the guy she fancied at the time was sending her mixed messages. I do my best to help her but the pain is too much.
I flood her with texts saying I'm going to end it all. I attempted and was mere seconds from passing out and dying...
Then while recovering at home, my depression and anguish causes me to hear demonic voices and see monsters... that abuse me...
I end up meeting a psychosis intervention team and end up on medication eventually.

Time passes, my symptoms revert but I recall more of what happened between me and my friend. I end up not talking so much during my counselling sessions due to this.
I end up finishing uni. The last time I spoke to her was last July, wherein I tell her the extent of what I can recall from that incident with my friend and that I never want to speak to her again.
However, its all my fault... because of the way I was... I'm permanently... broken...

[orian34]

So, i'm kinda new here. I already made a Topic, but it wasn't really appropriate to put it here, so i wanted to start anew.
I'm weird, the Rin-esque way. I had hard troubles in school because of that, wasn't able to work like every one else, meaning that everyone was pissed off by me. There was even a teacher that didn't wanted me to go to his lessons.
But that not the point. Having troubles, i needed to change, i needed to be someone else than me, to be like/with other people.

I needed to destroy and rebuild myself(not to die, it's different. If i wanted to die, i wouldn't be here today), there was no other possibilities. Good news were, i managed to do it, but that left me disabled. I lost a limb that day, hard price to pay, to become someone else when you are not working like the world around you. But that was no tragedy, i was ready to accept the price. I was a new person, i was happier, able to talk to other people without feeling like they didn't understood me.
I spent a month in the hospital,doing nothing really specific, but that was fine, I always was able to go through time without worrying.

Once i got out, since i was disabled, i couldn't do anything except staying at house. That was fine, things would go better after that.

I had lost my stomach, meaning that i couldn't eat, swallow or sleeping on the back, because i would've choked to death. What i didn't knew, was that eating in a day was something really important. So my life was simple :
Waking up, doing some random things but not anything involving going out, going to sleep. It was really weird at first, and i was thinking 'it's only temporary, a few more month and it's all done'! But they weren't able to do anything. I was going to be stuck like that for my entire life. Despite having full day of free time(except the time needed for...medical maintenance), i couldn't do anything really involved in a social life. The only people i was seeing was my parents and sometimes a friend(the only one, to be specific). My big scar on the neck wasn't the best thing to attract people to talk with me, doing any professionnal thing in my condition was utopic, i had troubles standing after a few hours of light work(not even physical).

That was 2 years ago. Now, it's still the same state. Except that now, i will perhaps have another surgery, that could make my life a bit more normal, and a lot more easier. But i will have to stay 6 month post-surgery in the hospital. That doesn't make me afraid, i will go through it like every thing before. I just don't really know how it will go after that. I guess it's up to me in the end, to make that what happened to me isn't worthless.

Well, that was weird to say all that, but i guess it was needed, after reading through a whole bunch of you stories, that was the minimum i could do. To tell mine.

If you want to see my experience of KS, there this Post i made.

Now, i think i'll stick around, perhaps update when things happen(even if it's really rare), mostly reading other stories.

[ArazelEternal]

Its been quite some time since I posted a story or an update in this thread.

So, things are finally starting to look up a bit. At least, Id like to think they are. I just started a second job this week. It helps that Ive already known everyone that works there for quite a while before getting the job. I didnt even need to apply. They needed a person to help them catch up on some work and their first thought was me. Not only that, but so far its also the best paying job Ive ever had. Things will soon get at least a bit easier as Ill be bringing more money in. Things wont be so tight that I take the ends off my fingers because I have to pinch every penny so hard. The guys Im working with a really cool people, every one of them. I spend more time getting a laugh or at least a chuckle out of their crazy antics - especially those of the owner. He is more like a child than an adult - than worrying about things. Im glad for it.

However, I still have some rather nasty bouts with my depression and anxiety, autism on top of it all. It seems like it can never leave me alone. I at least have my medications that help me with it so it doesnt get so out of control like it used to. Sometimes I think about going to talk to someone about it, but that is rather difficult when you cant afford health insurance, but supposedly also make too much money to qualify for any sort of assistance.

It just sucks. at 29 years old I should be out on my own and making my own life, even if its nothing to write home about. However Im still living with my father because I cant afford my own place. Dont get me wrong, I dont have a problem with living with him in of itself, its the fact that I dont have a choice that gets me. Honestly, I probably wouldnt even if I could. I help him, he helps me, I dont have a girlfriend or any kids or anything like that so honestly, no real reason to go anywhere. I just be happier then because at least I could, I would have the opportunity if you can understand what I am saying here.

I feel like I am just screwed for life. I didnt do well by any means of the word in school from elementry to high-school. I graduated, but by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin. Tried college, but had the same problems as high school. Didnt do my work, didnt pay attention in class. actually did very well on the tests for the most part, figure out how that worked out. Of course, I feel like it was all my fault even though I was dealing with a lot of shit. Harrasment all through school, getting my ass kicked on nearly a daily basis, but the people who were supposed to take care of you and make sure you were safe just turned a blind eye. It might have helped as well if it wasnt for the fact that it took until the age of 28 to get my autism to be diagnosed. Before then it was just thought to be ADHD or some such crap.

I dont know, maybe I am just whining about worthless crap here. Just had to get it out and rant a bit. Thanks to anyone who takes time to read this seriously.

[Broken Yet Whole]

Hey hey ladies and germs, its that time again:

Update Time!

As I hinted at slightly in a prior post, I am autistic, and suffering from Asperger's Syndrome. That ties into things because, the few times I've been hospitalized, I had a panic attack. I'm going to talk to my therapist Monday, and hopefully get a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. I really don't want to have to take them, because I don't want to take anything that would make me no longer be me.

I had the two big lung function tests, and I'm waiting to hear back from the good doctor on what's exactly wrong.

I've recently noticed a series of splotchy, dark brown patches on my arms and legs. The doctor thinks they're probably just birthmarks, and that doesn't help at all because it's yet another thing to be self-conscious about.

Another thing to bring up to my therapist is that more or less every day, I wake up feeling a varying amount of depressed. It goes away after a while, usually, but it's not fun waking up and feeling like junk.

Aside from those things, I'm more or less doing okay and pulling through somewhat well. I think. I'm not exactly sure to be honest.