Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[azumeow]

Howdy ho Rum! I may be fairly new here myself, but this is definitely a place where you can find support and friends.

So true. I remember when my "friend" told me that being sexually assaulted by some other "friends" wasn't that bad. I may be a bitter, cynical bastard, but I'm pretty sure that the six years of PTSD indicate that it was a little more than 'bad'.

But yes, this is a place of support. Most of the community here realizes that we all have our demons, and doesn't judge us because of them.

I've been finding myself in a position not unlike yours, though it's a bit more manageable. I'm highly averse to social situations, but I also have a relatively easy time adjusting to people and getting comfortable with them. It's slightly paradoxical, but a good way to explain it is that I have a very solid outer shell, but cracking it is easy if you can get a hold of it.

Still hate leaving the house, though. Might explain the vitamin deficiency that made me need a cane for a semester.

[Broken Yet Whole]

I don't have much problem leaving my home, aside from being self conscious of my appearance, scars, and my social anxiety. And now I have bronchitis to add to the fray.

Currently, due to my recent hospital stay, I'm taking my hormones twice a day for my transition, Benzonatate 3 times a day or when needed for cough, and Hydrocodone+Acitomenophen for cough and pain as needed. God, its a freaking drug cocktail.

[ArazelEternal]

I don't have much problem leaving my home, aside from being self conscious of my appearance, scars, and my social anxiety. And now I have bronchitis to add to the fray.

Currently, due to my recent hospital stay, I'm taking my hormones twice a day for my transition, Benzonatate 3 times a day or when needed for cough, and Hydrocodone+Acitomenophen for cough and pain as needed. God, its a freaking drug cocktail.

Ive been reading your posts here, BYWhole. I feel like I relate to you quite a bit. I dont do well in public or around other people. Social anxiety is a big thing for me. I always feel like I am being stared at, talked about and judged by the people around me even though I havent even done so much as say hello. Just keep walking along, minding my own business is enough to get someones attention and have them make assumptions about me that they couldnt possibly know.

It also doesnt help that most of the time I feel as if I am a living mistake. I know that sounds bad, but it is the truth. I dont even try with things half the time because I dont feel its any use, there is no point to it because I wont be any good at it/be able to do it at all.

Ive got a lot of issues. Ive been diagnosed in the last year as HFA (High-Functioning Autistic). Im 29 now. Why it was never diagnosed earlier, Ill never know. Ive been to see many psychologists/psychiatrists throughout my life but none of them made any mention of it. Ive known for a long time now that I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and panic disorders. Im on medicine for the depression and anxiety disorders. I hate taking medicine, but I cant deal without it so I have to just suck it up and take it. I take my anti-depressant every day. The anti-anxiety is only taken when needed. Id prefer to avoid taking it, but I have to as soon as I feel it start, otherwise it could end up with me in the hospital for a breakdown again.

Point is, all of that can be attributed to the HFA. It can occur easily without it, but they go hand in hand many times and the HFA just compounds each one of the other conditions, making them worse and harder for the person to deal with. All of this makes it very hard to deal with people and crowds. I dont leave the house much, even though I wish I would because just staying around at home gets so momentous that it gets annoying quick. Of course, it also doesnt help that I am shit ass broke 99.9999 percent of the time as well.

Life is rough. Im there with you. We all are. You wont be judged here.

[Broken Yet Whole]

I don't have much problem leaving my home, aside from being self conscious of my appearance, scars, and my social anxiety. And now I have bronchitis to add to the fray.

Currently, due to my recent hospital stay, I'm taking my hormones twice a day for my transition, Benzonatate 3 times a day or when needed for cough, and Hydrocodone+Acitomenophen for cough and pain as needed. God, its a freaking drug cocktail.

Ive been reading your posts here, BYWhole. I feel like I relate to you quite a bit. I dont do well in public or around other people. Social anxiety is a big thing for me. I always feel like I am being stared at, talked about and judged by the people around me even though I havent even done so much as say hello. Just keep walking along, minding my own business is enough to get someones attention and have them make assumptions about me that they couldnt possibly know.

It also doesnt help that most of the time I feel as if I am a living mistake. I know that sounds bad, but it is the truth. I dont even try with things half the time because I dont feel its any use, there is no point to it because I wont be any good at it/be able to do it at all.

Ive got a lot of issues. Ive been diagnosed in the last year as HFA (High-Functioning Autistic). Im 29 now. Why it was never diagnosed earlier, Ill never know. Ive been to see many psychologists/psychiatrists throughout my life but none of them made any mention of it. Ive known for a long time now that I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and panic disorders. Im on medicine for the depression and anxiety disorders. I hate taking medicine, but I cant deal without it so I have to just suck it up and take it. I take my anti-depressant every day. The anti-anxiety is only taken when needed. Id prefer to avoid taking it, but I have to as soon as I feel it start, otherwise it could end up with me in the hospital for a breakdown again.

Point is, all of that can be attributed to the HFA. It can occur easily without it, but they go hand in hand many times and the HFA just compounds each one of the other conditions, making them worse and harder for the person to deal with. All of this makes it very hard to deal with people and crowds. I dont leave the house much, even though I wish I would because just staying around at home gets so momentous that it gets annoying quick. Of course, it also doesnt help that I am shit ass broke 99.9999 percent of the time as well.

Life is rough. Im there with you. We all are. You wont be judged here.

Thank you, it's nice knowing I have someone out there like me. I originally started seeing a therapist because I couldn't stand my social anxiety among other things, and that eventually became a diagnosis of High-Functioning Autism. I am a Mistake, I am hideous, and I am afraid, but I go on living each day with a smile. I refuse to let anyone see the real me, no one deserves to see the real me, not even my family. I'm so afraid of being rejected and people getting angry that I just hide away where I can't be hurt...

[ArazelEternal]

I don't have much problem leaving my home, aside from being self conscious of my appearance, scars, and my social anxiety. And now I have bronchitis to add to the fray.

Currently, due to my recent hospital stay, I'm taking my hormones twice a day for my transition, Benzonatate 3 times a day or when needed for cough, and Hydrocodone+Acitomenophen for cough and pain as needed. God, its a freaking drug cocktail.

Ive been reading your posts here, BYWhole. I feel like I relate to you quite a bit. I dont do well in public or around other people. Social anxiety is a big thing for me. I always feel like I am being stared at, talked about and judged by the people around me even though I havent even done so much as say hello. Just keep walking along, minding my own business is enough to get someones attention and have them make assumptions about me that they couldnt possibly know.

It also doesnt help that most of the time I feel as if I am a living mistake. I know that sounds bad, but it is the truth. I dont even try with things half the time because I dont feel its any use, there is no point to it because I wont be any good at it/be able to do it at all.

Ive got a lot of issues. Ive been diagnosed in the last year as HFA (High-Functioning Autistic). Im 29 now. Why it was never diagnosed earlier, Ill never know. Ive been to see many psychologists/psychiatrists throughout my life but none of them made any mention of it. Ive known for a long time now that I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and panic disorders. Im on medicine for the depression and anxiety disorders. I hate taking medicine, but I cant deal without it so I have to just suck it up and take it. I take my anti-depressant every day. The anti-anxiety is only taken when needed. Id prefer to avoid taking it, but I have to as soon as I feel it start, otherwise it could end up with me in the hospital for a breakdown again.

Point is, all of that can be attributed to the HFA. It can occur easily without it, but they go hand in hand many times and the HFA just compounds each one of the other conditions, making them worse and harder for the person to deal with. All of this makes it very hard to deal with people and crowds. I dont leave the house much, even though I wish I would because just staying around at home gets so momentous that it gets annoying quick. Of course, it also doesnt help that I am shit ass broke 99.9999 percent of the time as well.

Life is rough. Im there with you. We all are. You wont be judged here.

Thank you, it's nice knowing I have someone out there like me. I originally started seeing a therapist because I couldn't stand my social anxiety among other things, and that eventually became a diagnosis of High-Functioning Autism. I am a Mistake, I am hideous, and I am afraid, but I go on living each day with a smile. I refuse to let anyone see the real me, no one deserves to see the real me, not even my family. I'm so afraid of being rejected and people getting angry that I just hide away where I can't be hurt...

Wow, lol, its almost like we are cut from the same mold in that way. I feel the same way. Though when it comes to my family I dont feel that they dont deserve to see the real me so much as I dont want them to because Im afraid that even they would judge me, and that goes for everyone else as well. Im very different from my entire family. My entire family (that I know of anyway) is very Christian and I am agnostic, leaning towards athiest. I keep that under wraps for the most part because I am afraid of being judged, rejected. Im also bisexual. Those two things generally (but not always, mind) dont go over well with people who are devoutly christian.

Im like you. I feel hideous, even though I have no physical deformities, scars (none that are terrible anyway.) I am a little overweight. I have a noticeable belly and I am very self-conscious about it.

It sucks having to hide and lie about who you really are because people will judge you for it. Unfortunately though, we need to do so to protect ourselves. Thats why we are sarcastic, bitter, cynical. It all helps us get through the day and our lives as a whole. Its a defense mechanism that we use to keep ourselves from getting even more damaged than we already are by not expecting anything out of anyone. Aim low and never be dissapointed..... yeah.

[Broken Yet Whole]

Wow, lol, its almost like we are cut from the same mold in that way. I feel the same way. Though when it comes to my family I dont feel that they dont deserve to see the real me so much as I dont want them to because Im afraid that even they would judge me, and that goes for everyone else as well. Im very different from my entire family. My entire family (that I know of anyway) is very Christian and I am agnostic, leaning towards athiest. I keep that under wraps for the most part because I am afraid of being judged, rejected. Im also bisexual. Those two things generally (but not always, mind) dont go over well with people who are devoutly christian.

Im like you. I feel hideous, even though I have no physical deformities, scars (none that are terrible anyway.) I am a little overweight. I have a noticeable belly and I am very self-conscious about it.

It sucks having to hide and lie about who you really are because people will judge you for it. Unfortunately though, we need to do so to protect ourselves. Thats why we are sarcastic, bitter, cynical. It all helps us get through the day and our lives as a whole. Its a defense mechanism that we use to keep ourselves from getting even more damaged than we already are by not expecting anything out of anyone. Aim low and never be dissapointed..... yeah.

I'm Demisexual and Transgender, so those are two things I'd rather not be judged on. I can go out in public just fine, but I limit any interaction with strangers to a minimum.

If you'd like, I have a Skype we could add each other on :3

[ArazelEternal]

Wow, lol, its almost like we are cut from the same mold in that way. I feel the same way. Though when it comes to my family I dont feel that they dont deserve to see the real me so much as I dont want them to because Im afraid that even they would judge me, and that goes for everyone else as well. Im very different from my entire family. My entire family (that I know of anyway) is very Christian and I am agnostic, leaning towards athiest. I keep that under wraps for the most part because I am afraid of being judged, rejected. Im also bisexual. Those two things generally (but not always, mind) dont go over well with people who are devoutly christian.

Im like you. I feel hideous, even though I have no physical deformities, scars (none that are terrible anyway.) I am a little overweight. I have a noticeable belly and I am very self-conscious about it.

It sucks having to hide and lie about who you really are because people will judge you for it. Unfortunately though, we need to do so to protect ourselves. Thats why we are sarcastic, bitter, cynical. It all helps us get through the day and our lives as a whole. Its a defense mechanism that we use to keep ourselves from getting even more damaged than we already are by not expecting anything out of anyone. Aim low and never be dissapointed..... yeah.

I'm Demisexual and Transgender, so those are two things I'd rather not be judged on. I can go out in public just fine, but I limit any interaction with strangers to a minimum.

If you'd like, I have a Skype we could add each other on :3

Sure. My skype name is the same as it is here. ArazelEternal. Dont expect me to talk a lot most of the time though. Im a pretty quiet person for the most part, lol.

[Broken Yet Whole]

Wow, lol, its almost like we are cut from the same mold in that way. I feel the same way. Though when it comes to my family I dont feel that they dont deserve to see the real me so much as I dont want them to because Im afraid that even they would judge me, and that goes for everyone else as well. Im very different from my entire family. My entire family (that I know of anyway) is very Christian and I am agnostic, leaning towards athiest. I keep that under wraps for the most part because I am afraid of being judged, rejected. Im also bisexual. Those two things generally (but not always, mind) dont go over well with people who are devoutly christian.

Im like you. I feel hideous, even though I have no physical deformities, scars (none that are terrible anyway.) I am a little overweight. I have a noticeable belly and I am very self-conscious about it.

It sucks having to hide and lie about who you really are because people will judge you for it. Unfortunately though, we need to do so to protect ourselves. Thats why we are sarcastic, bitter, cynical. It all helps us get through the day and our lives as a whole. Its a defense mechanism that we use to keep ourselves from getting even more damaged than we already are by not expecting anything out of anyone. Aim low and never be dissapointed..... yeah.

I'm Demisexual and Transgender, so those are two things I'd rather not be judged on. I can go out in public just fine, but I limit any interaction with strangers to a minimum.

If you'd like, I have a Skype we could add each other on :3

Sure. My skype name is the same as it is here. ArazelEternal. Dont expect me to talk a lot most of the time though. Im a pretty quiet person for the most part, lol.

Alrighty~!

[Wanderingheartache]

(I'll be working backwards this time instead of just deconstructing my last post, the most recent stuff actually came near the end of my last post and I'll be working my way back up to the issues that aren't as recent... but still plague my mind as well as the developments from said issues)

I'm hoping that if not tomorrow, sometime before my month long deadline that I'll wake up from this nightmare...

Deadline passed, I didn't improve so I sought out therapy... have been improving but it's been a very slow process. I feel like what progress that was made tends to quickly go away and it's never really beneficial to me... I feel like the more I should be improving, the worse I get because the feeling of improvement just goes away almost as quickly as it came. (sometimes even before the car ride home is even finished). I haven't woken up from a nightmare, this is reality...

My grandma died, my dad might get laid off, I've pretty much lost a friend I was hoping I could count on, I'm still single, I'm jobless...

Still single (though at this point, it might as well be by choice... people sicken me as of lately), still jobless (though still hunting for a job even harder than before... just unlucky), Kyra's still not talking to me for some reason, Grandma actually died, Dad's still getting threatened with being laid off... I don't really have anyone to count on other than those who were spying on Pythagoras and Hungary despite the fact that I don't care about their bullshit anymore.

I'm pretty much back where I started before I played KS... alone, lost, somewhat hopeless, just a wandering heart ache. Only this time, playing KS brings me no joy... I feel nothing as if I'd finally died emotionally.

Never has something I said ever rang so true, I am back where I started... alone, lost, hopeless, only this time I really don't have any joy when I return to KS. I can't even enjoy it anymore as I feel some parts of me are painfully on display, I know it sounds egotisical but I cannot even use the soundtrack to relax anymore... I don't like what has transpired in my life to make something I used to really enjoy now bring me so much pain.

Regarding the lovers though, last I'd heard... Pythagoras finally left Hungary. I think her problems became too much for him and he left her at the altar...

Turned out that was a ploy according to Olympia... I mean they didn't get married yet, but it was something that Hungary had fed to the entourage to try and lure me out to see if I was going to badmouth her fiance. I didn't take the bait so Olympia got yelled at and Hungary implied that she turned Kyra against me, so that was enough to see me broken... except I think that this too is a lie. Kyra never trusted Hungary and she even outright told her that she was insane, I truly do not think Hungary could ever get Kyra to believe her lies...


But I have been wrong about people before, I'm not sure how much I can really trust out of the mouths of Olympia's entourage now that Hungary is somewhat back in their good graces. I mean, allegedly they're tired of Hungary and Pythagoras' shit... yet because she came to them for "help" regarding her relationship, they still somewhat see her as a victim of sorts. (despite you know... BLATANTLY LYING TO THEM about her "problems")

And now, the real reason why I'm here...


It had been about a year since I'd last heard from Kyra, I thought nothing of it because she was working and studying in Chicago. She'd turned up recently talking to a mutual friend of ours (actually, someone she'd known longer than I had...) and when I inquired how she was doing... she blocked me. I do not recall ever doing anything bad or hurtful to her, but for some reason she wants to cut me out of her life? I'm really at a loss for words right now... I mean I would have been fine with a simple "piss off, we aren't friends anymore" but I didn't even get that.

So again, back to Kyra... the ex who I was lead to believe was going to still be my friend after everything. She turned up in San Antonio for Comic-Con and she's been hanging out with our mutual friend... This isn't really a problem, just something a little weird considering I thought her family didn't live in Austin anymore and that she'd pretty much abandoned Texas in general when she went to go live, work, and study in Chicago. I'm still at a loss for words... I mean I still sorta work for the conventions in my area but a simple hello was out of the question since she was in the area?


Maybe I'm asking for too much? Don't get me wrong, I don't feel entitled to ANYTHING regarding what she does with her life... but a simple hello or even a farewell should be at least something if I meant anything to her.



I'm going to see if my 7 cups of tea counselor is online... I don't have another therapy session until the 20th, my therapist will be attending a funeral next week. Sorry for all the whining, but I needed to vent it out somewhere... y'all kinda helped me in the past

[Charmant]

My entire family (that I know of anyway) is very Christian and I am agnostic, leaning towards athiest. I keep that under wraps for the most part because I am afraid of being judged, rejected.

If they judge and reject you, they probably need a refresher course in Christianity.

You are not alone, and you are not strange. You are you, and everyone has damage.
~Anonymous

No words ring truer here.

I'd say those words are incorrect in part. You are strange. Everyone is in some way. What that quote should actually say, instead of just perpetuating a crippling anxiety over the subjective and largely nonsensical social construct of strangeness, is that "strange" is not "terrible".

[Rum&Cola]

It's weird that there is nothin wrong within my life. There is now real pain in my life but i feel like shit. I don't belong anywhere and there is no real reason to live anymore. Life is just a scam and everything is bullshit. This feeling won't go away no matter what I do. It is completely pointless to be alive and I would kill myself if I would be brave enough.

[300BillionDegrees]

Don't do it. Talk to an professional if you can. I'm in no way any kind of professional, and I'm terrible with words, but low moods are temporary. Just remember that it's your brain messing with you, and you can mess with it back. I use video games and/or reading, and it's at least distracting. It may seem hopeless and like it will last forever, but things will change eventually. Sometimes very suddenly.


Someone else say something here please.

[bhtooefr]

Visit this page, call the appropriate number: http://www.suicide.org/international-su ... lines.html

[Charmant]

Life is just a scam

If life is a scam, suicide is falling prey to the scam. Better to beat the scammer by living and overcoming. Try therapy. Fools put stigma on it but it can be useful. Art's helpful too, whether it be visual, written, auditory...

[Broken Yet Whole]

So... Been a bit since I've posted here, good enough time if any to post a life update.

Been plagued with breathing issues since early July, finally saw someone about it today. It's most likely not asthma, buuuut, I'm gonna have to go see a cardiologist and a pulmonologist to find out exactly what's going on.

Saw my therapist again today... Aaaand had an autistic shutdown... Fun times... Also cried myself to sleep last night after a bout of worry turned into fear...

But that's just me, my problems are insignificant.