Coming soon! - A new Hisao/Hanako Epilogue

[Blunto-kun]

Greetings! Long time lurker, first time poster - and I figured it set that first post off with a bang by delivering my own work for the community. After reading Sisterhood last year, I was inspired to do my own FF. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have writing it.

EDIT 9/10 - Coming soon after further revisions.

[Blunto-kun]

Coming soon - further revisions are neccesary

[Blunto-kun]

coming soon - further revisions are neccesary

[Decadent Albatros]

Well I'll be the first to say that I don't mind some fluff-filled Hana epilogue!
I'm curious how you will evolve the situation, thought I sure hope you won't pull something nasty on us >:T Anyway, good work and I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

[Alpacalypse]

Unfortunately, I'm currently posting on my phone, so I can't give my detailed opinion just yet. For now, know that I've read it and am happy to welcome a new writer to the forums.

[Sharp-O]

It's a pretty nice story over all. Welcome to the boards, Blunto!

[AntonSlavik020]

Good start. The only real comment I have is that Lilly seemed to respond to Hisao nodding to her. I'd quote it, but I'm on my phone too. Or at work, to be more precise.

[Blunto-kun]

It's a very early draft and I don't know the arc by heart, but dammit, I'm trying! Expect it to improve greatly by the time it is completed.

Good start. The only real comment I have is that Lilly seemed to respond to Hisao nodding to her. I'd quote it, but I'm on my phone too. Or at work, to be more precise.

This has been addressed. I can't believe I didn't catch this. /facepalm

[Mirage_GSM]

Small cultural hint: You don't tip in Japan. Ever.

That's just a minor point, though.

What made my jaw drop to almost-floor level was Hisao going full disclosure on his and Hanako's sex-life to Lilly the first chance he got - after she explicitly told him that Hanako did NOT see fit to tell her.
And to top it off, he continues to tell Lilly all about Hanako's innermost feelings that she confessed to him. Talk about one gigantic breach of trust^^°

Regarding style, your narration is quite good, but the dialogue is a bit stilted at times and doesn't really seem natural for the characters.

Edit:
I was just looking for one place to quote, but I noticed you've taken down the second chapter, and with it the lines I had in mind...

[Alpacalypse]

Okay, finally have access to a computer now, so I'm going to give my detailed opinion on this so far:

I have to say, there's one massive flaw I have with this story - you have a bad case of excessive sesquipedalian loquaciousness i.e. you use too many big words to say things. Normally, this wouldn't be too bad if it was restricted to just the internal monologue. The real problem comes in when it comes up in the characters' dialogue, because these characters, with the possible exceptions of Lilly and Mutou, don't talk like that. I would have commented on the fact that it makes Emi sound much more like somebody's mother rather than the chipper and fairly casually-acting girl she's normally portrayed as, but you removed that part, so I retract my statement. Also, I can't see Lilly saying "woahho" or whatever it was - it just doesn't fit

Also, I'm with Mirage on this, the dialogue seems quite stilted, especially the part where Hisao spells out his reasoning for going to exercise.

Final actual criticism is that the relationship you portray Hanako and Hisao having is one that would normally be seen as having gone on for weeks, possibly months. Hanako is comfortable enough to strip down to bra and panties, openly talks about the idea of having sex with Hisao again and the two seem far, far too deeply in love for this point.

However, I wouldn't give criticism if I didn't think you could improve, and if this is a fairly early draft of the story, then I can see it being much better by the time it's finished. Once again, welcome to the boards and I'll be interested to see more work from you

P.S. There's actually another story on these boards called Healing which is Post-Bad-End. Just an FYI.

[Blunto-kun]

Okay, finally have access to a computer now, so I'm going to give my detailed opinion on this so far:

I have to say, there's one massive flaw I have with this story - you have a bad case of excessive sesquipedalian loquaciousness i.e. you use too many big words to say things. Normally, this wouldn't be too bad if it was restricted to just the internal monologue. The real problem comes in when it comes up in the characters' dialogue, because these characters, with the possible exceptions of Lilly and Mutou, don't talk like that. I would have commented on the fact that it makes Emi sound much more like somebody's mother rather than the chipper and fairly casually-acting girl she's normally portrayed as, but you removed that part, so I retract my statement. Also, I can't see Lilly saying "woahho" or whatever it was - it just doesn't fit

Also, I'm with Mirage on this, the dialogue seems quite stilted, especially the part where Hisao spells out his reasoning for going to exercise.

Final actual criticism is that the relationship you portray Hanako and Hisao having is one that would normally be seen as having gone on for weeks, possibly months. Hanako is comfortable enough to strip down to bra and panties, openly talks about the idea of having sex with Hisao again and the two seem far, far too deeply in love for this point.

However, I wouldn't give criticism if I didn't think you could improve, and if this is a fairly early draft of the story, then I can see it being much better by the time it's finished. Once again, welcome to the boards and I'll be interested to see more work from you

P.S. There's actually another story on these boards called Healing which is Post-Bad-End. Just an FYI.

/facepalm

Well I guess I'm going to have to do a complete rewrite and re-titling. I was simply eager to share. Thank you for your advice