Hand of fate - An OC short

[Crawford]

Hello there, I've been a very long time lurker around here, so I've decided to throw my hat into the mix and see what everone thinks, as this is my first piece of writing, I'd like as much feedback as possible. I understand that many around here have an aversion to OC's, understandably so, however, as this is my first time ever doing some form of fanfiction, I would rather do so in what is a very short, short, with a character whom I made so as to only potentially butcher one character instead of many that have been fantastically written by the KS team. Without further delay, I hope you enjoy this short and I request as much constructive criticism as possible.

Hand of fate
Things have changed.
"Hisao." She began, looking up into the night sky as she lay beside me on the damp, soft ground. Her voice shaking as she spoke, "Things aren't... Right. I'm sure you've noticed." I roll onto my side, looking at the girl whom I'd spent months with.

We had explored and dreamed together. About the world around us, it's beauty, it's mystique and It's despair. It had began that day as she was walking down the hill to town right before me. Her wiry frame and long legs, her short hair with its blazing red hue and purple tips as it caressed the right side of her head, flowing gracefully to her shoulders. I was enraptured. That was even before she turned around.

"Yes. Yes I have" I sigh slowly, analyzing her face carefully. "What's happened? What's changed?" She breaks her gaze from the stars and tilts her head towards me. When our gazes meet, I am taken back to that day.

Her appearance had captured me, the words of Lilly Satou fluttered uselessly by me. Whether it was sheer coincidence or the hand of fate, she turned and met my gaze allowing me to see those eyes. Blue as deep as the ocean with the slightest hint of green within. They had widened briefly upon seeing me before shifting to a kind, yet emboldened state, almost challenging me. The response was matched by the beautifully slight smile she flashed to me.

The softness, and challenge, of those eyes were now gone. Replaced by sadness, anguish and grief. The slight smile had been crushed by a deep frown. Those emotions were permeating through her old personality. "Everything. Everything, I'm so sorry Hisao." She responded, droplets of emotion forming around her two pits of distress.
I couldn't help but blurt out the question, "Why? Why are you sorry?"
Droplets turned to rivers, flowing down her face before crashing into the earth below. "I'm dying." My breath is stolen and a pang reaches my heart. "The joint pain, the slowness, the confusion. I thought... It was nothing. I should have listened to you Hisao, I should have listened. You were right, It was everything." She chokes up, the rivers turning the area below into puddles. "They- They say I have a rare condition, a condition that almost never presents itself at our age." Her eyes close tightly before she turns her head to the vast emptiness above. "It will get worse, I won't be able to do anything, I won't be able to stand, to speak, to dream. I won't even reach my thirties." Any calmness she had been displaying disintegrates as she begins sobbing loudly. I'm stuck, I'm floored, is this real? She's dying? My mind is a whirling mess. Despite knowing her only for months, my heart is broken again. Closing my eyes, I think back to the memories of us together.

In the forest walking together, exploring the world.
In the fields star gazing, discovering my minds artistry.
In the dorms, together, creating our connection.
Even the fights we had, I try to think of everything, anything.

I ask the question I don't want to know the answer to. "How long? How long until..." My voice trails off.
"I'll lose myself in less than five years, I'll d-die anytime after." She sobs.

She had turned around that day, and began strolling towards Lilly and I. When we were yards apart, we greeted one another. "Ayumu Kobayashi," her soothing voice had said.
My own wavered, "Hisao Nakai."
"It is a pleasure to meet you Nakai, you're new here right?" I simply nod at her question, shrinking away slightly. "Welcome to Yamaku. I hope the hand of fate treats you well, despite whatever may have happened." She smiled kindly at me, her eyes bright, full of life.

As I shift my gaze to the tears falling from hopeless eyes and the deep frown of my dying friend, I can't help but think to myself.
Things really have changed.

[swampie2]

Interesting indeed. I liked it a lot, actually, you're a very good writer. We don't really see much of Ayumu's personality, but I don't think that damages the piece in any way; You could have named her Saki and it would have worked just as perfectly.

It's hard to get into something like this when you don't know the character, but the way you explained Hisao's feelings pinned that down; He really is in love with her and is devastated to see her go, especially like this.

The only bone I can pick is that some of your paragraphs are a little large; and that's only down to my personal preference.

Great job, and welcome to the writer-sphere!

[Sharp-O]

A very emotionally moving piece. You've definitely got a knack for writing, Crawford! Great job.

If you feel unsure about tackling some of the bigger characters, I recommend taking a good look at Class 3-3 as a whole. Throw a dart and you'll probably hit someone who has had little to no characterisation.

[Crawford]

A very emotionally moving piece. You've definitely got a knack for writing, Crawford! Great job.

Interesting indeed. I liked it a lot, actually, you're a very good writer

First of all, thank you, that means quite a lot to me.

We don't really see much of Ayumu's personality, but I don't think that damages the piece in any way; You could have named her Saki and it would have worked just as perfectly.

It's hard to get into something like this when you don't know the character, but the way you explained Hisao's feelings pinned that down; He really is in love with her and is devastated to see her go, especially like this.

Secondly, I understand the difficulty of really empathising with a character whom you barely know, I was really nervous about posting this for that reason, I'm glad to hear it isn't too detrimental to the piece. With regards to paragraph length, I'm still not sure myself what I prefer, I'll try cutting the paragraphs down more in future.

If you feel unsure about tackling some of the bigger characters, I recommend taking a good look at Class 3-3 as a whole. Throw a dart and you'll probably hit someone who has had little to no characterisation.

This is something I have thought about doing, and honestly I think I will, I'll probably keep it to Shorts/One-shots for the most part though, anything I write that I wouldn't mind sharing will be put in here.

[Alpacalypse]

Didn't post here before because the story was posted while I was on holiday. Sorry 'bout that

I have to say, if this is the first time you've written anything like this, you've got some real talent going on there. You've got a nice writing style and the emotions of the scene were very well conveyed throughout. It certainly made me feel something for these two, which is quite the feat considering the length of the piece. Excellent work overall, really.

Welcome to the wonderful world of writing fan-fiction! I shall be keeping an eye out for any further stories you may produce.

[dewelar]

Calling this a fanfiction of Katawa Shoujo is a disservice to both the piece (since it's well-written if a bit heavy on the purple prose) and the KS fanfiction community (since it's connection to the VN is essentially nonexistent other than the names of a couple people and places). I'll be interested to see your next effort, though, should there be one.

[Hesmiyu]

Calling this a fanfiction of Katawa Shoujo is a disservice to both the piece (since it's well-written if a bit heavy on the purple prose) and the KS fanfiction community (since it's connection to the VN is essentially nonexistent other than the names of a couple people and places). I'll be interested to see your next effort, though, should there be one.

What about calling it a standalone(?) extension of Katawa Shoujo seeing as it is to do with the school and characters featured in it?

[dewelar]

Calling this a fanfiction of Katawa Shoujo is a disservice to both the piece (since it's well-written if a bit heavy on the purple prose) and the KS fanfiction community (since it's connection to the VN is essentially nonexistent other than the names of a couple people and places). I'll be interested to see your next effort, though, should there be one.

What about calling it a standalone(?) extension of Katawa Shoujo seeing as it is to do with the school and characters featured in it?

Hmm...no, it still doesn't work, at least not without providing a fair amount of additional context. This Hisao feels like a totally different character than the one(s) in the VN, and the mention of the school and of Lilly are just there. Without the knowledge of how we got from there to here, this is pretty much just a free-floating story with the only connection to KS being the fact that a couple of characters happen to be named the same as its characters, and they both have someplace called Yamaku in them.

[Hesmiyu]

Hmm...no, it still doesn't work, at least not without providing a fair amount of additional context. This Hisao feels like a totally different character than the one(s) in the VN, and the mention of the school and of Lilly are just there. Without the knowledge of how we got from there to here, this is pretty much just a free-floating story with the only connection to KS being the fact that a couple of characters happen to be named the same as its characters, and they both have someplace called Yamaku in them.

Turns out this was a different fan fic to what I thought it was. Kinda posted on the wrong one

[Crawford]

Calling this a fanfiction of Katawa Shoujo is a disservice... ...the KS fanfiction community (since it's connection to the VN is essentially nonexistent other than the names of a couple people and places).

Hey, thanks for commenting, yeah, you really are right, by making this with an OC and with only mentions of both the school and any other Characters, I really have made a disservice to the community here and calling it a fanfiction of KS is being liberal with the term , looking back through the piece I had hoped that even those mentions would be enough, I was wrong and I made a mistake, one that I hope everyone will forgive me for.

In future if do write any more, I'll be sure to pull it closer to the KS community by including more main characters (As fearful as I am about writing them) or by using less mentioned side characters such as Naomi, Molly, Ikuno, etc.

Hmm...no, it still doesn't work, at least not without providing a fair amount of additional context. This Hisao feels like a totally different character than the one(s) in the VN...

Hisao feeling different is part of the reason I'm afraid of writing the main cast and sort of why I'm writing here, to learn. I don't want to butcher characters, but I still want to use them. So, I need to work on interpreting and implementing already set characters, while still maintaining some uniqueness about them.

well-written if a bit heavy on the purple prose

In regards to overuse of purple prose, that one is me just being me, I'll tone it down if/when I next post.

Thanks again for commenting.

[dewelar]

Hmm...no, it still doesn't work, at least not without providing a fair amount of additional context. This Hisao feels like a totally different character than the one(s) in the VN...

Hisao feeling different is part of the reason I'm afraid of writing the main cast and sort of why I'm writing here, to learn. I don't want to butcher characters, but I still want to use them. So, I need to work on interpreting and implementing already set characters, while still maintaining some uniqueness about them.

Well, Hisao is somewhat...unique in this regard, in that in each route he takes on certain characteristics of the girl he pursues. A Hisao that speaks in purple prose is not outside the realm of possibility -- the tricky part is getting him there. As an example, perhaps it could have been mentioned that Ayumu herself is a poet (or dramatist, or interested in romance novels, or what have you), and drew Hisao into her hobby over however much time they've been together.

Anyway, if you haven't already, check out this thread, which has lots of great tips on writing fanfiction.

[brythain]

I thought it was Saki Enomoto at first.

Edit: I actually thought it looked like a route somehow parallel to this one.

[Oddball]

This is a nice well written chapter. It would make a great chapter 3 or chapter 4 of a larger story, but it feels like you've dropped the bombshell here without any build up to it.

Give us a chance to meet your character and get to know her, and the emotional impact will hit a lot better.