Phantom Pains: Mirror Shoujo

[swampie2]

Chapter List
Part 12: Slip

♫ < Clicky Clicky!

The day drags on horribly slow, the pounding between my temples not allowing me to focus for more than a couple of seconds. Mutou's lessons are barely survivable even when you aren't hungover. The western breakfast I had before class was filling, but didn't really make me feel any better as I had hoped. I feel my eyes become heavier as the morning progresses, but I know that If I do fall asleep then Mutou will hold it against me for the rest of the year, I'm hardly his star student.

I've been spending most of the lesson trying to re-assemble my memories from last night, I now remember attempting to play a violin at some point, at it was already pretty late when we got to the dorms so nobody must have been happy about that, the thought makes me wince. Aside from that gem, I don't remember much more aside from the feeling of Saki's carpet, I wonder why my brain decided that that was an Important detail.

Before I know it, a small piece of paper is slipped in front of me by a recognizable scarred right hand. I gently flit my eyes over the note, attempting not to linger on a single word for too long for sake of my sanity.

"Had a rough night?" Her handwriting is quite pretty, I'd never noticed before. I simply offer a nod as my hands still feel like they're asleep.

"In the girls dorm?~~" Reading the note jolts my mind awake, she's probably ratted me out already. Dammit.

"I don't know what you're talking about." It's easier to lie on paper than it is face to face. My handwriting is quite messy in comparison, most likely due to my arms not responding properly.

"With Saki?~~~~" Fuck. I take the note a crumple it in my hand before placing it in my pocket, nobody can read this. I open my notebook and tear a new note.

"How did you know?"

"My dorm is next to hers, the walls are really thin~" Well she may have some recollection of last night, even if it was through the wall.

"Sorry... It won't happen again." She gives me a wink and an admonishing finger point before she returns to her papers, I'm glad she didn't ask what we were doing, I couldn't answer that if I wanted too.

Luckily the rest of the lesson is rather bare of interruptions. Once I have lethargically packed away my books, I leave the room and decide to try and find Saki.


---


Before I know it more than half of our lunch break has passed, luckily I notice Saki in the halls surrounded by classmates. I raise a hand to wave, and she notices me, meeting my eyes with a very bare expression. I wonder what's got her like that? She quickly says something to her friends and begins to push through the now thinning crowds towards me.

♫

"You asshole!" Her eyes are filled with anger, she's walking over to me as fast as she possibly can. Even though she's a small girl with spinocerebellar ataxia, I don't doubt that she could tear my arms off if she wanted too.

"What!?"

"I can't believe you did that, you dick!" She grabs my collar with her free hand, leaning up to my face on her tiptoes so we're eye to eye. I can hear the rage in her voice, her large frown only adding to my fear of the situation.

"What are you talking about Saki?"

"You know what you did you perv!" Her words hurt more than any car crash.

"Saki, calm down please?" I attempt to diffuse the situation.

♫

After a split second, her facade breaks as she begins laughing loudly, leaning on me for support. I take a deep breath to formulate my response.

"You had me scared for my life for a second there."

"Now you know you've got reason to keep me happy, huh?" Her laughs are slowly coming more subdued, she wipes a tear from her eye as she speaks. "Feeling any better?"

"Not a single bit, plus you just took 10 years off my life with that little stunt."

"You'll be fine." She stands up straight again. "Wanna grab some lunch?"

"That'd be perfect." I take another deep breath, thankful that I don't have to have my body torn asunder by the wrath of an angry woman.

"Fancy anything in particular?"

"Whatever we get from the cafeteria will taste the same anyway, so it doesn't really matter." She giggles happily, a sound that could put a smile on my face anytime.


---


After we ate we returned to the upstairs classroom and ended up in a heated debate about tea vs coffee at the top of the rather steep stairs.

"Why would you want to drink something so complicated as tea when coffee is far easier to make?"

"Why would you want to drink something so basic as coffee when you could drink a carefully crafted cup of tea?" I sigh, this debate is going nowhere.

"I win!" She pumps her fist in the air, declaring herself the victor.

"This isn't over."

"Yes it is!" She releases a thousand watt smile before holding up her hand in a "victory" sign.

"Nope, not giving up that easily." As the words exit my mouth, she glares at me just as she had before, her eyes filled with a pure rage that takes my heart rate up a couple of beats per minute.

"Okay, okay, I get it." I raise both hands In a sign of peace, then she does the thing I least expected.

She once again grabs my collar, less aggressively this time though, and once again stands up on her tip-toes before placing a delicate kiss on my lips. My mind goes numb for several seconds trying to interpret what just happened. Did that really just happen? I stare at her with open eyes, almost in shock, she has hers closed, but her blush tells me everything I need to know. I feel woozy and giddy all at the same time, I have to take a step back from this situation before my thoughts can regroup.

♫

Unfortunately though, I was stood right at the top of the stairs, so when my leg moves backwards it simply finds air. My leg hits the next step, but simply sends a shock of pain up my spine and doesn't do much to stop me from tumbling backwards. My mind races with thoughts of the kiss, but mostly on what kind of damage a fall like this could do. Perhaps it's best not to think about the latter. Time seems to slow down as I see my crutch free itself from my hand and begin falling alongside me as my arms instinctively move behind me in an attempt to break my fall.

As I tumble backwards I take in the sights before me, a rather shocked looking boy with a bandage on his ear stood to my left quickly reaches out in an attempt to grab me, Saki looks like she's trying to do the same. Funnily enough, the first thought that comes to mind is "Don't you dare try and grab me Saki, you're much more fragile that I am." but I don't have time to let this be known as both fail to grab me. I sail through the air for what seems like an eternity, and all I can see is the most heartbreaking view of Saki's face slowly becoming further away from me each second. Not like this, please.

My back hits the stairs first, releasing a loud pop and an incredible spike of pain, next my head collides with the edge of a step, sending me into spiraling into the darkness of unconsciousness with a sickening crack.

---


Previous || Next

[Sharp-O]

Awww, Council Prez Hanako teasing the hungover Kazuko was brilliant but...

GOD DAMN! I winced through that entire third act! I could feel it. Damn.

[swampie2]

GOD DAMN! I winced through that entire third act! I could feel it. Damn.

That was the feeling I was going for

[swampie2]

I think this is the longest chapter I've ever written, coming out at just over 2.5k Words.

Since this is such a long chapter, you should probably PM SPaG corrections to me to keep the thread clear Enjoy the feels!

Chapter List
Part 13: Finale

Cinematic:



♫

"Ugh..." I slowly awaken, my eyes won't open no matter how hard I try. I feel something around my neck, a brace perhaps? I'm sure that the doctors have done checks, but I need to do my own; Fingers, able to move. Toes, still working. Back? ouch. After a couple moments I am able to pry my eyes open, only to find that I'm in yet another hospital room. My vision is blurred and I feel like I'm about to throw up, I can imagine they pumped me full of painkillers, if not then some other medical concoction.

"Hey there." I crane my head as best as I can with a brace on, and see a mess of green in the shape of a person.

"Hel-" I attempt to speak, but it feels like I've been gargling sand.

"I'm Takashi Maeda from Yamaku, we're in the same class. You're in hospital right now, you had a nasty fall." I do my best to reach for my side table, only to find that my left arm is now inside a large white cast. Maeda sees my attempt and stands, handing the glass to my other hand. I take a gulp and attempt to re-invigorate my voice. I still feel full of painkillers, to the point where any pain in my body is numb and my face has a lazy smile plastered across it.

"Sorry, I'm pretty full of painkillers right now." I offer as I attempt to sit myself up using the hospital bed. I see my leg and briefly consider shouting "Where is my leg?" but I don't think Maeda will find it all that funny, still gives me a giggle in my drug addled state.

"How bad was it?" I ask once I've gotten myself into a slightly more comfortable positon. He quickly stands and retrieves the small clip board from the end of the bed before skimming over it.

"Concussion, Fractured skull... says your spine is okay though." He shrugs, and with that I release a sigh; nothing too permanent at least.

"I don't mean to sound like a dick Maeda, but why are you here?" He leans back in his chair and takes a swig of his drink before answering.

"Call me Takashi. You remember the girl you came here with? She... asked me to stay here with you until you woke up, and I promised, so here I am." He says with a slight tinge of pride in his voice.

"Must have been boring for you. How long was I out?"

"Maybe a couple hours, It's..." He checks his watch "...6:47 pm right now. And nah; I got a lot of homework done actually." He chuckles. With the sentence the door swings open and a bushy bearded man in a long white coat strides through. He quickly fetches the all knowing clip board and checks my eyes with a flashlight while babbling about something or another.

"You may have noticed that we had to put some stitches in the back of your head, don't pick them or we'll have to get a cone to go around your neck." He offers with a smile. I wouldn't usually find this funny, but morphine is an adventure to say the least. "I'm sure you already know about your injuries..." He lightly bobs Takashi over the head with the clipboard before returning his attention to me "...so is the anything we can do for you?" I casually consider shouting "MORE PAINKILLERS." But I think that that'd be a little too forward.

"Two questions. How long till I can leave, and... have you seen a kinda small, blonde girl with a cane around?" As I mention Saki, Takashi winces and shrinks into his newpaper.

"Well, we'll have to see how you're fairing once your concussion isn't a problem anymore, so we'll know in around 2 or 3 days. As for the latter, I think it may be better for your freind to explain the situation." He spends his last time with me explaining the hospital remote and how to call a nurse If I feel like I'm going to throw up, which I do. Once he leaves the room, I glance over at Takashi and raise an eyebrow. He clears his throat before speaking.

"Uhm.. well listen man... I..." He attempts to start his sentence many different ways, shifting his position in the seat each time. "She was pretty torn up when we got here... I only came down because I wanted to apologize for not being able to catch you or anything... Saki, I think? She was... very distraught, to say the least... Uhh." He takes another second to rerail his train of thought.

"Takashi, just a second. Can you ask a nurse If I'm allowed coffee? If I am then can you grab me some? Decaf will do if that's what the nurse says." He sighs in relief, seeing I've given him an escape.

♫

"Sure man, be right back." He stands and adjusts his beret before leaving the room and carefully shutting the door. She kissed me, then I feel down the stairs. As this thought passes through my bruised brain, it sends a pang of guilt down my whole body, cooling the room several degrees. I feel fucking terrible, I can't even begin to imagine what she feels like. I wish she were here, I just want to apologize, I didn't step away as denial or in reject. Dammit. Fuck.

I see that my pockets have been emptied onto the bed-side table, Including my phone. I reach out for it, and almost drop it, but manage to pull it to my face. The screens bright light almost blinds me as my unfocused vision tries to do it's best to communicate with my brain. After taking a second to let my eyes adjust, I see no missed calls and only a single text from one of my classmates about some assignment. I unlock the phone and attempt to navigate my way to the contacts menu, finding Saki in the menu. I open the texting menu and see the last text that she sent me.

"[Wanna come eat with me and the band?]"

I sigh in exasperation.


---


♫

Fuck this.

It takes all of my effort to lever my upper half into a sitting position. I can feel my toes gently touching the floor, but I'm going to have to jump from the bed to get down. 3. 2. 1.

FUCK.

The sharp sensation shoots pain up my spine and straight to the back of my head. If I could keel over in pain then I would. After a couple of moments regaining myself, I look around for anything I can use as a crutch. You'd think they'd be widely available in a hospital.

"Kazuko, what are you doing?" My head shoots up and I notice Takashi standing at the door once again.

"Takashi, I've gotta ask you a huge favour."

"Go on?"

"We gotta go back to Yamaku. Like right now."

His face looks like a mixture of disbelief and shock. I take a second before I speak again.

"Maeda, this is important to me." He thinks for a second, still stood in the doorway.

"It's about Saki Isn't it." That was more of a statement than a question. He sighs and places the coffee on the small counter top as he passes. He looks me over once and then speaks again.

"Off with the neck brace then, take my jacket." I stand in shock for a second, he's actually going to help me escape from the hospital.

In the following moments I don a pair of tracksuit bottoms and Takashi's green Yamaku jacket to cover my hospital gown. "I need a crutch, do you see one?"

"Nope, but we gotta go now if we're getting back." He lifts up my arm and places himself under it, taking my body weight across his shoulders.

"Why are you helping me Takashi?"

"I loved a girl once too." And without further details, we're off; Limping down the hallways doing our best to avoid the staff. We reach the stairs to the ground floor and both are stumped for a second before I figure that I can sit down and make my way down them easier than walking down them. Takashi pushes open the door and walks ahead of me, leaning me against a wall why he checks the corners before returning to help me walk. My entire back feels like it's on fire, and my head feels even worse when it's full of painkillers. We reach the front desk and somehow make our way past the attendant and outside. The cold evening air stings my lungs as we limp to the car park while Takashi pulls his phone from his jacket while it's still on me. He quickly dials for a taxi and we begin our hop away from the hospital so nobody spots us.

"I can't believe we made it out." I sigh, sitting myself down against a rather cold brick wall.

Maeda laughs before speaking "They told me this was one of the best hospitals in Japan.. and we just straight walked out." His voice is filled with pride, perhaps he likes spy movies.

After a short while catching our breaths from our narrow escape, the taxi rolls up and I lay myself out on the back seat and Takashi takes shotgun. He quickly barks out the address for Yamaku and we pull away. My escape companion pulls his "Bad Motherfucker" wallet while we drive and quickly thumbs through his notes, making his face crumple slightly. He slowly forks over a ¥1000 not to the driver who looks at the note then back the Maeda.

"We're in a rush dude." The driver once again look at the note, shrugs and continues driving ever so slightly faster.

A couple of minutes later we arrive at Yamaku, I'm pulled from the car by both my companion and the taxi driver and as quickly as we started begin moving. The large building that holds most of the classes is now casting a huge shadow over the courtyard, making it quite hard to navigate.

"Takashi... thank... you..." I mutter between ragged breaths.

"You owe me... a drink." His breath is also coming is gasps, as he's borderline carried me most of the way.

♫

We quickly make our way past the building and freeze in our tracks. Before us stands the last stretch to the female dorms, however it's guarded by the night staff. Takashi looks to me, then to the guard.

"Fuck, fuck, FUCK." He swears under his breath.

He turns to me once again. "Alright... fuck, I got a plan." I look over to him with my drowsy, unfocused eyes, trying to glean any information from him. "Use the wall, get into the dorms." he leans me against the wall before standing and taking a couple deep and placing one hand in his pocket and pulling his phone before walking into the light a couple of feet from the guard. I begin to make my way across the wall as I see the guard shout something to Maeda, then he freezes in his tracks and drops his phone to the ground. My eyes open wider, trying to see more clearly. He pulls his hand from his pocket and places it to his chest and takes a knee on the ground, panting loudly. The guard sees this and quickly makes his way over to him.

That motherfucker is faking a heart attack for me.

The guard rushes over as my new found partner falls onto his pack, his beret falling from his head and lying next to him. He wildly clutches his chest and the guard pulls his radio. Before I know It I'm stood at the entrance to the girls dormitories. I shrug the jacket from my shoulders as some strange heat begins to build inside me, making all of my limbs tingle wildly.

♫

I'm on the final stretch. The carpet feels warm below my feet and the walls feel like they're spinning. I carefully hop forwards, using the wall to keep my balance. Each hop sends a horrible crushing sensation through my back, but at this point It's just become a numb warmness. My missing leg burns below me, but I don't have time to consider it, instead hopping forward, shaking beads of sweat from my body each jump. Before long I've somehow made my way to the steps, and slowly lower my body to the ground, resigning to a slow crawl up the stairs. Each step feels worse, by the time I'm at the top, it feels like a drum is pounding between my ears. I crawl a little further, using a small trash can to lift myself again. Room 201, 202, 203, come on I don't have time for this!

207.

211.

217.

The numbers are all I can pay attention to as the dull pains in my whole body have started to become sharper as I pass each door. Finally, I reach my desired room. I lean myself up against her door and raise my arm before flailing it against the door. I take a moment to catch my breath, and end up crouching with my face against the door, my one leg providing shaky support. After an eternity, the door's lock clicks and the whole thing slides open. I raise my head as much as I can, only managing to catch a glimpse of the person before me. Saki. Her cheeks are stained with tears and her expression is one of pure shock. I try to move my arm from the door frame, and only manage to knock myself backwards into the hallway. As I land, I feel tears of my own streaming down my face and into the light carpet. I made it.

STOP ALL MUSIC


---


I take another sip of orange juice and peer through the window, the grass and trees sway carefully in the wind. My phone buzzes me from my thoughts, and I flip it open.

"[ Just checked out, luckily no heart problems ]"

I give a contented chuckle and place my phone back on the stand next to me, my movement seems to have stirred someone. She raises her head and our equally sleepy eyes meet.

"Morning, James Bond." I chuckle once again and place my hand on her head, scruffing her hair slightly. That's I nickname she won't wear out.

"Hey. Are you still angry with me?"

"Shut up Kazuko, you know I am. Right now i'm just happy you're here." I give a wide smile before putting my arm around her once again, not even a hospital could keep me from her.

Why?

Because I love her.

♫


---


Wow. What a chapter to write. I had a lot of fun writing this fic, though It's sad to see it come to a close, there may be more for Mirror Shoujo in the future. Hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

PS. I know it's not probable that they escaped the hospital, but I still chose to write it that way

[Mirage_GSM]

PS. I know it's not probable that they escaped the hospital, but I still chose to write it that way

And that makes it better... how?

It's one thing to write a zany story from the beginning. Hoitash is the master of that genre. It's completely over the top, but you know it from the getgo.

You took a story that had interesting characters and a mostly believable plot and threw it all out the window so your OC could play James Bond/Superman/whatever in the last chapter.

Reading it I get the feeling that you got bored with the story and wanted it over with as quickly as possible. If it weren't for the date I would have suspected an April Fool's chapter.

Apart from the obvious "improbabilities" - which I won't list here - let me just mention that Takeshi would not have had your OC's mobile number.

[Sharp-O]

Considering the art style and the wacky characters of KS, I can always imagine some anime escapades (like a daring hospital escape) happening in and around Yamaku but each to their own.

I enjoyed the ride and really liked your takes on the well established cast. The only spelling mistake I really noticed was one instance of "freind" when the doctor is speaking so I think you're good on that front. Good job all round, Swampie!

[swampie2]

PS. I know it's not probable that they escaped the hospital, but I still chose to write it that way

And that makes it better... how?

It's one thing to write a zany story from the beginning. Hoitash is the master of that genre. It's completely over the top, but you know it from the getgo.

You took a story that had interesting characters and a mostly believable plot and threw it all out the window so your OC could play James Bond/Superman/whatever in the last chapter.

Reading it I get the feeling that you got bored with the story and wanted it over with as quickly as possible. If it weren't for the date I would have suspected an April Fool's chapter.

Apart from the obvious "improbabilities" - which I won't list here - let me just mention that Takeshi would not have had your OC's mobile number.

All I can say is sorry you didn't enjoy it, either way I had fun writing it and I feel my writing had gotten a lot better since "Future"

Hopefully my future work can be a little more planned and a little less nonsensical

Considering the art style and the wacky characters of KS, I can always imagine some anime escapades (like a daring hospital escape) happening in and around Yamaku but each to their own.

I enjoyed the ride and really liked your takes on the well established cast. The only spelling mistake I really noticed was one instance of "freind" when the doctor is speaking so I think you're good on that front. Good job all round, Swampie!

Awesome! Thanks for the feedback man

[Alpacalypse]

I hate being harshly critical. I really, really do.
However, I have to side with Mirage on this one, because he nailed it - it feels like you got bored with this story or lost your enthusiasm for one reason or another and dropped that last chapter on us.

You started off with an interesting concept and you had seemed to have a good handle on these mirrored characters. Then, we almost switched to an entirely different story with little-to-no prior indication - four scenes of Saki with almost no involvement from the other characters and then you ended it. We had almost no screen-time for Mirror-Lilly, Mirror-Rin or Mirror-Shizune.

Also, the thing that basically defines Saki's character, that she's going to die both soon and fairly horribly, isn't even mentioned. The idea of a romantic relationship forming that quickly and without any indication of issues that they might have is difficult to believe to say the least, the fact that the two have only known each-other for three or four days notwithstanding. Even if the idea was that she has no disability, that should have been specified, as it certainly wasn't obvious.

I could go on, but the core of it is that there just wasn't enough development for anybody here - no resolution for Kazuko's prosthetics therapy, no mention of Saki's disability and very little development for your mirrored characters, who were the main draw and focus of the story. While I don't think that having Saki be the love interest was a bad idea per say, there should have been more build-up to it, perhaps having the love story be act 3, with the rest of act two serving to better develop the other characters (who were more interesting IMHO).

I criticise because I had a lot of enthusiasm for the idea that was presented here. Despite everything I've said, the story was fun while it lasted. If I didn't think there was a way to improve the story or your writing, I wouldn't have said anything.
Also, no SPaG problems that I noticed.

[swampie2]

A lot of text

It is true, I did switch rather quickly from the mirror concept. Much of this fic was mostly unplanned, including the little bit in the middle that I had to retcon :L

However, I do still have things planned for the mirror universe in a less OC fashion. Think of this fic as testing the waters, maybe? For a while I was considering taking a break and re-writing a majority of this fic, and I might still do that.

Regarding this story, It's true that I did lose enthusiasm for the story. I felt a true disconnect between Kazuko and myself and really had no idea how to fix that, so I tried my best to end the story on an exciting note, quite similar to Lilly's good ending, or at least I hope.

Anway, Thanks for the feeback, both you and Mirage!

[danfs]

Since you started this, I felt that it was going to be one of the greater fan fictions that I ever read (I haven't read many, but still), and I kept felling like this until the Part 12. When I finished reading the part 13 and realized that it was the end, I could only feel sad, for both the personal and literary points of view, since this a great idea for a fan fiction and I was starting to feel more and more eager to read each new chapter. But now, it's over with a feeling that it's a unfinished story, because of both its short lifetime and my expectations about how was this story going to continue and, then, complete itself...

I really liked all the fan fictions that you wrote, but this was my favorite, and it's depressing to see it ends so prematurely...

(Sorry for any writing mistakes, not native english)

[swampie2]

I really liked all the fan fictions that you wrote, but this was my favorite, and it's depressing to see it ends so prematurely...

I suppose this is an announcement?

I'm currently planning a re-write of Phantom Pains, more focused on the mirror characters and Kazuko's recovery.

I can agree that this particular story didn't end all that well, that's why I'm putting a lot more effort into a fully fledged story next time.

It'll be about at some point, I want to make sure It's a good read before posting anything