Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[Velitation]

I take it the HBHC link in OP Edit 4 no longer exists?

Anyway, I relate to Hanako. I know what it's like to be so lonely that playing the tile game is a respite. I did it as a child...

It's stories like these that put perspective in my life. I am happy that you doing better now. A friend of mine transitioned recently, and they have a supporting family and friends but it was and still is tough for them. I wish you and your partner all the best.

Apparently she got engaged to her new boyfriend that she met in the Army. That she's been dating for like 6-7 months. And that she's "changed."...

It's a difficult situation. Do what you feel is best for you.

[ArmedLiberal]

I take it the HBHC link in OP Edit 4 no longer exists?

Anyway, I relate to Hanako. I know what it's like to be so lonely that playing the tile game is a respite. I did it as a child...

It's stories like these that put perspective in my life. I am happy that you doing better now. A friend of mine transitioned recently, and they have a supporting family and friends but it was and still is tough for them. I wish you and your partner all the best.

Apparently she got engaged to her new boyfriend that she met in the Army. That she's been dating for like 6-7 months. And that she's "changed."...

It's a difficult situation. Do what you feel is best for you.

She is legally and religiously my wife, but I get your sentiment. I'm also glad that your friend has a supportive family; my extended family was almost exclusively obstructive, and my immediate family was very reluctantly supportive. People greatly underestimate the impact of a support network.

[ArmedLiberal]

I take it the HBHC link in OP Edit 4 no longer exists?

The reason for that is two-fold. One is that the domain supplier .co.cc no longer functions (which was a hassle as it happened suddenly...) and then I moved it to a different URL (subdomain of one of my owned domains, now just a subdirectory).
The second issue is that interest in it had always been quite low and died (just over a year ago I officially closed it [in this post]). Adding to that, the off-topic conversation that used to happen back then is not around anymore further reducing the need to dedicate an entire forum to mainly a single (gigantic) topic.

In any case, I'm still reading here. Good luck to your endeavors, ArmedLiberal!

As for myself... well, my last post was about my chosen master's degree track being cancelled. Since then, I decided to find a job and also took up motorcycling lessons. Just today I got my new driving license and tomorrow I'll be test driving some choppers (they just match my character the best...). As for work? In the past four months since I started working, I kept feeling like I really lucked out with such an awesome company. The people are great, it's a diverse culture (both in terms of people and in terms of work) yet a tight-knit group, the work is okay (PHP just ain't the best language... But at least I can enjoy working in Node.JS doing awesome new projects with new frameworks and methodologies I never used before). And the kicker? They're really open to me doing a part-time masters degree when the next academic year starts (which means September).

Education is always a good thing. It makes you more recession-proof. I tried doing programming, but object-oriented and me just don't mix. I can code HTML, but it's 2.0... my knowledge is so antiquated, it's not even funny. I'm pretty good with hardware, though--I wired my apartment with Cat6 to 2 rooms; if I wasn't renting, I'd have wired the whole place with Cat6/PoE and fiber (hey, someday soon, it'll be the standard...), but I don't really have the incentive to invest in future-proofing in a rental.

I've thought about getting my Class M license over the years... classic bikes like the Honda Magna are more what interests me. I like bigger, squishier bikes because I messed up my back in the Air Force (I was an aircraft mechanic); you'd probably never see me on a 'busa or a Buell (just thinking about it hurts!).

I don't really work outside my wife's business (she's a nurse in independent practice, doing mobile foot care). I do some office stuff for her and do the front-end work when we run a foot clinic. I actively looked for something gainful for 6 months after graduation (most health care employers have a generous tuition reimbursement program around here), but nothing showed. It particularly irked me that a local low-income clinic strung me around for a month and then never got back to me despite repeated calls. That was the clincher in deciding to go back to school for me.

We're in a weird spot; this is one of the last bastions where the health care personnel shortage hasn't hit yet. One of the major employers fired 800 nurses and replaced them with contractors from a temp agency in the last couple of years.

Anyway, glad to meet new people who get it.

[ArazelEternal]

I dont get it. I should be feeling better, but things havent changed much at all.

Its been a long time since Ive posted in this thread. Probably since around page 200 or so, if not even earlier.

A year ago I ended up in the ER after a severe mental breakdown. I dont remember half that night because it was that bad. Apparently I told my father that all hope is lost. I dont remember that to this day.

Things in life itself are going considerably better now. Working two jobs and making some decent money for once. The one job I have now I actually got laid off from about two months ago, suggesting that I would never be hired back. However they hired me back just within the last week, and at more money than I was making before. So I have that going for me. I did a lot of job searching, which is how I found the second job that I have now. I like the people I work with at both places for the most part. Sure there are a few that annoy me, but you will have that anywhere.

Things are going well at home. Never really had any issues there though.

I dont have much to worry about, except for the ER bills because I cant afford health insurance.

Still, I feel depressed most of the time. I am on an antidepressant. It has helped. I am also on an anti-anxiety that is a on a take-when-needed basis. I also have talked to a psychiatrist/psychologist (dont know the distinction between the two, honestly.) It has helped a bit, but I still find myself down most of the time. Whats up with this?

I dont have any health issues. That was confirmed when I had my breakdown. They did a whole battery of tests. Liver, kidney, heart, etc. All came back with flying colors. So what is causing it?

[azumeow]

I dont get it. I should be feeling better, but things havent changed much at all.

STUFFY STUFF

Still, I feel depressed most of the time. I am on an antidepressant. It has helped. I am also on an anti-anxiety that is a on a take-when-needed basis. I also have talked to a psychiatrist/psychologist (dont know the distinction between the two, honestly.) It has helped a bit, but I still find myself down most of the time. Whats up with this?

I dont have any health issues. That was confirmed when I had my breakdown. They did a whole battery of tests. Liver, kidney, heart, etc. All came back with flying colors. So what is causing it?

To be frank, depression is a bitch. It worms its way into your heart, into your soul, and changes who you are from the day it takes root. It saps the joy out of life, slowly but surely, and sometimes it replaces that joy with pain and misery.

It doesn't really go away in most people's experiences. It is a bona fide mental disorder that can have persistent or chronic effects on a person's life.

The fact that you reached the point where you suffered a mental breakdown bad enough to cause a blackout and hospitalization bodes....not so well. I'm not a mental health professional and YMMV, but I've been on this path for more than half my life, and every day is still a struggle. In a lot of cases, it...doesn't really go away. A lot of mental disorders are the same way. Schizophrenia, PTSD, DID, ADHD, etc. They can be treated, but they don't go away. It's been almost six years now and I still can't have sex without playing Russian roulette with a half-loaded revolver.

The fact that this is still around is normal, as sucky as that is. Your life has improved, and that's great, but unfortunately, it really just amounts to a few steps on the journey to climb a mountain. And reaching that peak won't guarantee your problems will be solved and everything will be happy and colorful again.

The sucky thing about depression is that there are a lot of different things that can cause and exacerbate it. We don't really understand depression, just...how to deal with it. Sometimes.

That probably wasn't much of a help. But as far as I'm aware, your question...doesn't have an answer. At least, not one I can find without seeing inside your head. For me, a large part of my current depressive moods come from feeling like (and frankly, kind of being) a failure. For you, it might be stress, or abuse, or a lack of direction.

As for the psychiatrist/psychologist distinction: psychiatrists prescribe medication and sometimes take up a therapeutic role. Psychologists can't give prescriptions and typically just talk to you about what's bothering you.


Also, as an unrelated footnote: I found out last week that I also have arrhythmia. Not as bad as Hisao's, but palpitations and flutters are a thing. Quite literally, Hanako's Broken Heart Club now.

[ArmedLiberal]

I dont get it. I should be feeling better, but things havent changed much at all.

STUFFY STUFF

Still, I feel depressed most of the time. I am on an antidepressant. It has helped. I am also on an anti-anxiety that is a on a take-when-needed basis. I also have talked to a psychiatrist/psychologist (dont know the distinction between the two, honestly.) It has helped a bit, but I still find myself down most of the time. Whats up with this?

I dont have any health issues. That was confirmed when I had my breakdown. They did a whole battery of tests. Liver, kidney, heart, etc. All came back with flying colors. So what is causing it?

To be frank, depression is a bitch. It worms its way into your heart, into your soul, and changes who you are from the day it takes root. It saps the joy out of life, slowly but surely, and sometimes it replaces that joy with pain and misery.

It doesn't really go away in most people's experiences. It is a bona fide mental disorder that can have persistent or chronic effects on a person's life.

The fact that you reached the point where you suffered a mental breakdown bad enough to cause a blackout and hospitalization bodes....not so well. I'm not a mental health professional and YMMV, but I've been on this path for more than half my life, and every day is still a struggle. In a lot of cases, it...doesn't really go away. A lot of mental disorders are the same way. Schizophrenia, PTSD, DID, ADHD, etc. They can be treated, but they don't go away. It's been almost six years now and I still can't have sex without playing Russian roulette with a half-loaded revolver.

The fact that this is still around is normal, as sucky as that is. Your life has improved, and that's great, but unfortunately, it really just amounts to a few steps on the journey to climb a mountain. And reaching that peak won't guarantee your problems will be solved and everything will be happy and colorful again.

The sucky thing about depression is that there are a lot of different things that can cause and exacerbate it. We don't really understand depression, just...how to deal with it. Sometimes.

That probably wasn't much of a help. But as far as I'm aware, your question...doesn't have an answer. At least, not one I can find without seeing inside your head. For me, a large part of my current depressive moods come from feeling like (and frankly, kind of being) a failure. For you, it might be stress, or abuse, or a lack of direction.

As for the psychiatrist/psychologist distinction: psychiatrists prescribe medication and sometimes take up a therapeutic role. Psychologists can't give prescriptions and typically just talk to you about what's bothering you.


Also, as an unrelated footnote: I found out last week that I also have arrhythmia. Not as bad as Hisao's, but palpitations and flutters are a thing. Quite literally, Hanako's Broken Heart Club now.

I know all about depression and anxiety. Shit sucks— I have MDD, ADHD, GAD, PTSD, & (of course) GD (as of the publishing of DSM-V; previously, GID). People don't get how it doesn't matter what's going on; there's always anxiety. And then there's the little voice (not literally, in this case) that keeps telling you that you're a failure, you suck, you can't do anything right, that you may as well not even try. Ooh, shiny! And then someone says something, or drops their books on the table, or something else that trips a trauma trigger, and they wonder why you're overreacting.

So yeah… I get it. Life sucks right now. With the right medication and therapy, it can improve. I've been seeing the same therapist (a LCSW/MSW, EMDR & CBT specialist) for 8 years, now, and my psychiatrist has been prescribing for me since 2004. It took me until 2013 to find the right drug combination and dosage (yeah, 9 years). All of that has been worth it, though; I finally am mostly functional, whereas just 3 years ago, I was marginally functional (and 10 years ago, I was completely dysfunctional).

In other news, I started Emi's Couch-to-5k program on Monday, and I'm already feeling pretty good about it. If this goes well, I'll do the 5k-to-10k bridge… but there's no way in hell I'm running marathons or even half-marathons!

[Observer]

This is my first post so I'm not sure where to start, and I'm sorry if it seems like a rambling mess. This is my first time talking on a forum of any kind, and I’m almost 18. I should have been on forums since I was 12, but I was too afraid to talk on the internet. I’m really shy, at least to people I don’t know. I've been wanting to post here in Hbhc for a long time, but I couldn't find the strength to talk till now. I also wasn't sure how to join in a conversation, or know the words to make someone happy. Seeing as I myself am not happy, how could I tell someone how to be happy, it would be hypocritical

So I guess I’ll start with my main problem, you see I’m not sure what to do with my life. It seems most of my friends know what they want from life, but I don’t know where to go or what path to walk, the more I think about it the sadder I become and the more I feel lost. I've considered becoming a writer, I think I’m an decent writer, could use some improving here and there. I was thinking of uploading a fan fiction I've been working on for KS, but I want it to be real good. KS means a lot to me and feel like I owe it to myself to make something good. I know I can do well, but I still have this self doubt. It like the logical side of me is saying you can do it if you put effort in, while this wired part of my brain is saying things like, “what’s the point, This part of your story sucks no one will like the way you word that, or You going piss of the path writer for fucking up their character.” It like ever step I take, I take two or five steps back.

[ArmedLiberal]

This is my first post so I'm not sure where to start, and I'm sorry if it seems like a rambling mess. This is my first time talking on a forum of any kind, and I’m almost 18. I should have been on forums since I was 12, but I was too afraid to talk on the internet. I’m really shy, at least to people I don’t know. I've been wanting to post here in Hbhc for a long time, but I couldn't find the strength to talk till now. I also wasn't sure how to join in a conversation, or know the words to make someone happy. Seeing as I myself am not happy, how could I tell someone how to be happy, it would be hypocritical

So I guess I’ll start with my main problem, you see I’m not sure what to do with my life. It seems most of my friends know what they want from life, but I don’t know where to go or what path to walk, the more I think about it the sadder I become and the more I feel lost. I've considered becoming a writer, I think I’m an decent writer, could use some improving here and there. I was thinking of uploading a fan fiction I've been working on for KS, but I want it to be real good. KS means a lot to me and feel like I owe it to myself to make something good. I know I can do well, but I still have this self doubt. It like the logical side of me is saying you can do it if you put effort in, while this wired part of my brain is saying things like, “what’s the point, This part of your story sucks no one will like the way you word that, or You going piss of the path writer for fucking up their character.” It like ever step I take, I take two or five steps back.

Don't sweat knowing what you want to be when you grow up... lots of kids don't figure that out until being in the world for a while. Personally, I didn't figure it out until I was 30. Just strive to do well in whatever you do, and figure out what you would like to do... it'll come to you... in an ideal world, I would be a pro competition target shooter, but very few people can make a living at that. Plus, like any athlete, one is on the road a good chunk of the year. I almost went the law enforcement path... and if our county had a sheriff auxiliary, I'd probably do that. I now have an AAS in medical assisting, am a certified medical assistant (AAMA), and I'm going back to school for my BAS so I can go to a physician's assistant program (kinda like a nurse practitioner, but on a different path).

As far as strength, you've already taken the first step by doing something about it.

EDIT: stupid autocorrect.

[300BillionDegrees]

Hell, I thought I knew what I wanted to be when I was in high school. So did everyone else I knew, but only because the school had been pounding in everyone's head that we had to figure out a career and what we wanted to study at university and all. Asking a bunch of clueless fourteen year old kids to decide what they want to do for the rest of their lives is idiocy (they started right off in the first week of ninth grade with some kind of career aptitude test.) I don't think I know anyone who ended up going in the direction they started, but I haven't really kept in contact with anyone from high school either. Try doing things that you like to do, and see what comes of it. You can study in whatever you want, and if it turns out to not be your thing, study or practice something else.

Don't worry if your writing or whatnot doesn't feel up to par, nobody's is to begin with. It takes practice, and no matter how bad it is, it couldn't possibly be worse than the one thing I ever wrote (it's some pages back in the blooper reel thread, but be warned it may cause brain damage.) Also, you will probably never be truly satisfied with anything you create. There will always be something you probably think you could have done better, but posting the story will hopefully result in some constructive criticism that may help you improve the next thing you do. It will also help you to get that thing out of your head so you have room to work on something else.

The future is unreliable at best, so don't fret over it too much. Remember Rin's path. Carpe Diem!



It seems giving advice is much easier than taking it - the second paragraph is as much for me as you I guess

[Observer]

I know I shouldn't care so much, I know. I just find it hard to let go of things that bother me, it's like this fear worms it's way into my head and I can't get it out no matter how hard I try. I was going to see someone about that, but the appointment is a long time away and I think when I do have the appointment I have to take an important test for my school.

I know I should be enjoying my youth, and not worrying about things. but ever since a little while ago I've had a hard time doing what I like be that writing, playing games, reading, or even being with friends. I can't figure out why I feel this way though. I know I shouldn't care, I used to be so good at. but something happens that made me think of the future and it made me sad

It nice to know someone care about my problems, and form what I read, can sympathies with me. I told my parents about my troubles, but there little help. after all there helping just seems to make the problem worse. reading what you two wrote made me feel, better.

[BMFJack]

I'm glad you finally found the courage to speak up, bro. That, in itself, is a big step.

I can't profess to know exactly what I'm talking about, but it's been my personal experience that continuously worrying the way you seem to simply creates more stress and reduces the quality of life for yourself and those around you.

That being said, it's not as simple as "Oh just stop worrying" because it takes years of work to dispel the source of those worries, which for me was insecurity. I had to meticulously plan everything I wanted to do and the stress was ripping me apart. It took, as I said, years before I learned how to ride the events of life like a wave and learned to go with the natural flow of things. The biggest thing I learned was to not plan what would happen aside from myself, which is the only thing I really have control over anyway. I started planning my reactions to what may or may not happen, and I broke my own shyness shell by getting a job in customer service and challenging myself to become the best.

In this thread, we all listen, we all care, and we all want to hear everyone's story. It's an open-door policy in Hanako's Broken Heart Club, and all of our doors are open even if you just want to PM one of us.

[Beoran]

Hey, with the Japanese translation being out I came in once to look around again. And I'm glad this thread is going well (again). Thanks everyone for helping each other out. I hope it stays this way.

I'll pop in once again next year or so. Meanwhile I pursue my own dreams and take care of my own family. Yeah, I have 2 kids now, so even less time left. The pleasures of fatherhood.

And to everyone here, be safe and take care of yourselves.

[Kaneusta]

Uhhh hey, I'm new in these forums.

I've been having stuff thrown at me a lot, but they never got me down. I mean, they did get me down- but I was always able to get back up.
Anyways, in high school I was one of the atheletic type that loves the outdoor and plays every sport wether or not I suck at them- but I never did any official in school sports. My dad wanted me to get a physical check up one day and I figured it would be another boring day.

Got my height measured, weight checked, my heart beat per minute was low (Which is something I'm prideful for), but they found a strange abnormally when listening to the heart. They said they'll get it checked out and think nothing of it.

In the course of the next 2 weeks, I get calls and check ups. One check up I remember they were telling me about my case stating it's probably nothing because not everyone heart is the same but they'll send them to the specalist just in case. A few days later after the two weeks, my dad gets a call and I get pulled out of school. They stated I had a heart murmur but that I had something that basically made my heart work harder to pump more blood. She said it's nothing too bad but does restrict me from strenous heart activity.

At first I was happy, I was depressed for so long fearing that I might had a tumor or something because of how long they took to determine what it was. But after a couple of days, I started noticing it more and more.

Prior to this event, I would probably be the most active guy you've met, but I have HORRIBLE stamina and always had. I always imagined it was because genetics and I just suck at breathing , but realize it was because of this. Because of this, I kind of stopped everything.

That was a year and a half ago, almost two years. I'm still physically fit, I work out every now and then (no cardio), but I'm not happy where I am anymore. Back then, I always laughed off my lack of stamina, but now whenever I do any type of physical exercise- I recall that I'm different. Even disregarding this, I never really had a strong heart.

I have a best friend who I've known since Jr High who seen me go through about 4 episodes, like something similar to Hisao. I would clench my chest and feel something that relates to like a cramp in your heart I guess. If I focused real deeply, I can feel my heart beat pulsing and either time it's either going too fast, or going too slow. He's the only one who takes it really seriously and I'm glad because of it.

I'm in college currently, 2nd semester- I made new friends, I go hang out and all, and I try to past off my stamina as a light hearted joke. But it scares me because I'm always afraid I'm going to die young. I feel like what I'm doing with my life has no point. I always liked games but I gotten into them a lot more sense college started because I couldn't do the things I could do before. I don't know where I'm going with this but I always wanted to get it off my chest but never could.

I have a heart condition and I am afraid of dying at an early age. Every second counts to me and I get anxiety attacks now a days when I feel like I wasted a day when I could be doing something more, instead of breaking down and crying to myself because of it. I don't know where I am or where I'm going I guess.

[YutoTheOrc]

Uhhh hey, I'm new in these forums.

-Welcome to the forums, hope you find your stay enjoyable!

My dad wanted me to get a physical check up one day and I figured it would be another boring day.

-Have you asked your Dad and doctor's if its hereditary? If so, then I'm sure a family member could help give you some pointers.

I have a heart condition and I am afraid of dying at an early age. Every second counts to me and I get anxiety attacks now a days when I feel like I wasted a day when I could be doing something more, instead of breaking down and crying to myself because of it. I don't know where I am or where I'm going I guess.

- Damn bro, I can understand why your down; it'd be hard pill to swallow. If your heart isn't that good, maybe you could improve your stamina a bit though. I'm no doctor, but a regular walk might help out a little; even a light jog. Just don't push yourself too much, it might be a good idea, just so your heart gets stronger when it comes to pumping blood. I suggest you do work on cardio though, as a guy who considers himself fairly fit, stamina is always a good thing to improve upon. Just keep moving forward. Have your eyes set on the goal you want in your life, don't let your heart tie you down!

[Kaneusta]

Uhhh hey, I'm new in these forums.

-Welcome to the forums, hope you find your stay enjoyable!

My dad wanted me to get a physical check up one day and I figured it would be another boring day.

-Have you asked your Dad and doctor's if its hereditary? If so, then I'm sure a family member could help give you some pointers.

I have a heart condition and I am afraid of dying at an early age. Every second counts to me and I get anxiety attacks now a days when I feel like I wasted a day when I could be doing something more, instead of breaking down and crying to myself because of it. I don't know where I am or where I'm going I guess.

- Damn bro, I can understand why your down; it'd be hard pill to swallow. If your heart isn't that good, maybe you could improve your stamina a bit though. I'm no doctor, but a regular walk might help out a little; even a light jog. Just don't push yourself too much, it might be a good idea, just so your heart gets stronger when it comes to pumping blood. I suggest you do work on cardio though, as a guy who considers himself fairly fit, stamina is always a good thing to improve upon. Just keep moving forward. Have your eyes set on the goal you want in your life, don't let your heart tie you down!

Thank you so much
From as far as I know, it isn't hereditary. But my grandpa had a heart surgery about 10 years ago and never really told me about what it is due to language barrier and is one of the topics that I just don't ask my parents.
I understand what you're saying, stamina is always a good thin but it's like...

When you know you have something restricting you from doing it you just kind of... lose motivation from doing it. I can't bring myself to actively do cardio or it just brings up bad things and I feel terrible about myself. I know I should but I just can't.

I don't know. I never had the motivation to do anything anymore, I was kind of bullied, like, my entire life up till this point- even by the group of people I would call "friends" in high school. When you're consistently get push down further and further, it gets harder and harder to try. Even when people say "Look at a different perspective, you just have to try harder, the only thing holding you back is yourself" and all and I understand that they're right, it's too hard to put into action