Word of Mouth (On Hold)

[Xilirite]

I'm gonna get this out of the way now, and probably put this at the top of the thread too -- This story gets really really dark. I mean dark, not just depressing -- Katawa Shoujo has some horribly depressing scenes, but it only occasionally gets dark with things like Hanako's backstory. Some scenes, especially the ends of the third and fourth acts, deal with some very dark and potentially sensitive subject matter, which I can't really say without spoiling the story. The topics that arise that could be considered too sensitive are: Murder-suicide, rape

[Craftyatom]

Well, I'm interested - this certainly seems like it could go places. I've always thought that one of the nicest features on fanfic was that one could use pre-existing characters, but I certainly can't fault you for deciding to make your own.
I'll admit that it took me a while to realize where the prologue was going; like "Who are these people? What does this have to do with-" and then I had a horrible realization 3 paragraphs too early. Oh well.
So far, your main character has actually been an optimistic guy, and it's kinda nice to see that angle. Whether it lasts, well, we'll see, but I'm hopeful.

On to mechanics - I didn't start reading until after you fixed the line breaks in the prologue, but as far as I can see, you haven't had a similar problem since, so that's been remedied. Your writing in general looks good, I can't say I was reading the whole thing hawk-eyed, but nothing jumped out at me, with one exception:

If Shizune's always like that, it would explain a lot about why not even the teacher tried to intervene.

I'm hoping I haven't just completely missed something, but not only does this scene not involve Shizune or any teacher (just Takeo and Hurk, which is a fantastic name), the main character doesn't actually know who Shizune is, at least by name - a ctrl+F showed that the name didn't show up anywhere earlier, so I'm guessing this is a typo?

And now, the unimportant things:

Curiously enough, I've forgotten the name entirely by the time I've finished reading it, and by the time this registers, I've already passed through the door and can't go back to double check.

Of course, it's some sort of psychic paper... It all makes sense now!

Most of the names will pass for being Japanese and the others are dead anyway

If I had known that killing a character made them exempt from this kind of scrutiny, I'd have done it a lot more by now!
Seriously though, I for one am not in a position to ridicule anyone's choice of character names.

[Mirage_GSM]

One of the things that may piss a few people off is that this story isn't about the major characters of Katawa Shoujo. Yes, it includes some of them, but it's ultimately about four original characters not found in the game.

I think you'll find more people who'll be happy about that than you'll find those who'll be pissed off.

Ooooh, Hurk gets real fun as the story goes along

Since you were asking about characters with strange names... This is one.

If you ABSOLUTELY have to know:

No we don't, and that's why you really shouldn't have spoiled the ending of your story at this point... Especially if you put the notice that there are major story spoilers beneath the actual spoiler.^^°

Depending on the choices you make (of which there are only two because ...

I'm much more disappointed about this. For a fanfiction that's two too many.

I'll admit that it took me a while to realize where the prologue was going; like "Who are these people? What does this have to do with-" and then I had a horrible realization 3 paragraphs too early. Oh well.

Really? After the story began with THIS sentence:

“Can somebody explain to me how we all managed to get to the drinking part of the party before we even confirmed our driver actually had his license?”

The only question I had left was who would be the one to cause the accident.

[Xilirite]

I'm hoping I haven't just completely missed something, but not only does this scene not involve Shizune or any teacher (just Takeo and Hurk, which is a fantastic name), the main character doesn't actually know who Shizune is, at least by name - a ctrl+F showed that the name didn't show up anywhere earlier, so I'm guessing this is a typo?

Yeah, that's an editing mistake. That scene used to have a conversation between Shizune, Misha, and Takeo. Character names were American at the time, so Takeo (then Daniel) got pissed off about the name Danchan, and mentioned it to Hurk to make him feel a bit better about his own odd (I agree, it's amazing) name. I'll edit that a bit, thanks for pointing it out.

Also, I wanted to do at LEAST two endings, because I like the bad ending I thought up in a morbid sense.

After the next update, things will progress much slower, as that point the rest has yet to be actually written. Also the next update was written with American names, so if you find any places where I missed a name-change, just let me know and I'll fix it. All I have to do before I post it is some ctrl-f action.

[bhtooefr]

You could've just gone for something like "Trigger warning: Murder, rape", and spoiled a whole lot less of your plot.

[Xilirite]

I made a boo-boo and I fixed it. I was kinda tired and just wanted to get that out of the way, I realized it was a shitty idea when I got to school but I had no way to change it. Ooooops. Hindsight is 20/20.

[AntonSlavik020]

I read the spoiler that had originally posted, and unfortunately it's just not for me. Too dark for my tastes.

[Xilirite]

That's exactly why I gave the warning -- it's subject matter that some people just don't want to read, and I expected that. I went into a book not knowing there were scenes of rape in it and was extremely put off by the event, mostly because I wasn't reading with the possibility of such a scene in mind. Probably should've done it with a few less spoilers from the start, but oh well.

Next update in the near future, no exact date though. I might finish the scene I'm writing right now and post that with the few that are left, or I might add more to leave off on a slightly more conclusive note.

[emmjay]

:

Curiously enough, I've forgotten the name entirely by the time I've finished reading it, and by the time this registers, I've already passed through the door and can't go back to double check.

Of course, it's some sort of psychic paper... It all makes sense now!

No, he's a Nurse, not a Doctor...
Anyway, I gotta say, if I were in the situation from the beginning of the story, I'd have just taken the wheel. After all, drunk drivers cause a lot more accidents than people who've forgotten their license. (Also, I have my license number memorized.) But hey, we all make mistakes, some bigger than others.
Getting to the actual story, as some have said, the idea of someone who doesn't mind going to Yamaku, who's actually sort of excited about it, is refreshing. Loved the descriptions of Mutou, although that scene felt a little too similar to the corresponding part of the original.
Kenji inviting someone he's just met into his room felt slightly out of character, but the description of the room itself sounded spot-on.
I'm reserving judgement on Hurk so far. Doesn't seem like a bad character, but making an important character non-Japanese always smacks of self-insert to me. (Unless it's a canon character like Molly, of course.) Just my opinion.
Enjoyed the library scene, although I was a little puzzled at the description of Yuuko as having brown hair. I always think of her as a redhead, although calling it auburn might actually be closer. But hey, it's still a well-written Yuuko, so I'm good.
Looking forward to more.

[Mirage_GSM]

Anyway, I gotta say, if I were in the situation from the beginning of the story, I'd have just taken the wheel. After all, drunk drivers cause a lot more accidents than people who've forgotten their license. (Also, I have my license number memorized.) But hey, we all make mistakes, some bigger than others.

I don't think he forgot his license... It's more like he doesn't have one. At one point he states he has no idea how to drive.
Though I admit I was also confused as to why someone who doesn't have a license owns a car, as he clearly was in possession of the keys and decided who would drive...

[emmjay]

Anyway, I gotta say, if I were in the situation from the beginning of the story, I'd have just taken the wheel. After all, drunk drivers cause a lot more accidents than people who've forgotten their license. (Also, I have my license number memorized.) But hey, we all make mistakes, some bigger than others.

I don't think he forgot his license... It's more like he doesn't have one. At one point he states he has no idea how to drive.
Though I admit I was also confused as to why someone who doesn't have a license owns a car, as he clearly was in possession of the keys and decided who would drive...

Okay, yeah, upon rereading the relevant parts, you're right. And he doesn't actually refer to it as his car, so maybe somebody thought he knew how to drive and handed him the keys. Maybe once he had the keys, that made him the de facto owner of the car; hence the one who decided on the driver?

[Xilirite]

Okay, yeah, upon rereading the relevant parts, you're right. And he doesn't actually refer to it as his car, so maybe somebody thought he knew how to drive and handed him the keys. Maybe once he had the keys, that made him the de facto owner of the car; hence the one who decided on the driver?

Bingo. He was just deciding who would be using 'the' car to drive everyone home, it's never said whose car it actually is.

Also, Hurk isn't a self insert character. Oh, no no no, far from it.

[Xilirite]

Removed until further notice.

[bhtooefr]

I'm of mixed feelings on Amaya being at Yamaku purely because of PTSD-driven muteness.

Hanako's about the only KS character where that rule was bent, and she had an obvious physical issue that they could ostensibly admit her for (I don't count Kenji, because I'm not convinced the administrative staff knows he's insane). Amaya's "physical" issue is completely mental.

[Xilirite]

Technically, you can enroll in the school regardless of whether or not you have a physical disability, which is how Hurk and Shiina got in. Either way, I describe the exact reason she enrolled at Yamaku specifically later on -- she's only just been introduced, remember.