Dancing: A Miki pseudo-route (Update 7/30/17)

[LilyKitsune]

My, this.... moved fast. I enjoyed the scene. The drunk speech seemed slightly off to me, but I'm having trouble understanding why.

Also, early in the first part, I think you forgot the word "tongue"

I think the line was "suzu sticks her out at me playfully"

[AntonSlavik020]

I hope Miki doesn't take too long to make a decision because one of my least favorite story elements in a romance is "I can't decide whether I like you or not so let me think about it for a week". I didn't like it when Hisao did it in Developments , so I doubt i'd like it here. It also looks like Suzu is still bitter at Hisao(not that that's very surprising), so it'l be interesting to see where that goes.

[acquireTigris]

My, this.... moved fast. I enjoyed the scene. The drunk speech seemed slightly off to me, but I'm having trouble understanding why.

Also, early in the first part, I think you forgot the word "tongue"

I think the line was "suzu sticks her out at me playfully"

I don't really know how to write drunk speech, seeing as I've never been drunk in my life. Tipsy, yes. Drunk? Never.

Thanks for noticing the lack of "tongue". So to speak.

[LilyKitsune]

My, this.... moved fast. I enjoyed the scene. The drunk speech seemed slightly off to me, but I'm having trouble understanding why.

Also, early in the first part, I think you forgot the word "tongue"

I think the line was "suzu sticks her out at me playfully"

I don't really know how to write drunk speech, seeing as I've never been drunk in my life. Tipsy, yes. Drunk? Never.

Thanks for noticing the lack of "tongue". So to speak.

I also disliked the neck kiss thing without permission, but I think that's a personal issue as it happened to me. I was awake, but goddamn it made me incredibly uncomfortable.

[acquireTigris]

I hope Miki doesn't take too long to make a decision because one of my least favorite story elements in a romance is "I can't decide whether I like you or not so let me think about it for a week". I didn't like it when Hisao did it in Developments , so I doubt i'd like it here. It also looks like Suzu is still bitter at Hisao(not that that's very surprising), so it'l be interesting to see where that goes.

I don't want to spoil my plot, but I hope what I have in mind will please you.

I also disliked the neck kiss thing without permission, but I think that's a personal issue as it happened to me. I was awake, but goddamn it made me incredibly uncomfortable.

Some people like it if it comes from the right person. I'm sorry you had to experience that, though.

[azumeow]

Let's all give Hisao another point forcompletely fucking up. Again.

Enjoyed that, but...eh, not a fan of how that played out. Again, I blame the Master of Romance.

[acquireTigris]

Let's all give Hisao another point forcompletely fucking up. Again.

Enjoyed that, but...eh, not a fan of how that played out. Again, I blame the Master of Romance.

I'm not quite sure which bungle we're talking about. But yes, Hisao made quite a few slip ups.

But, as we all know, no one can stop the Master of Romance from acquiring his prey.

[azumeow]

I'm not quite sure which bungle we're talking about. But yes, Hisao made quite a few slip ups.

But, as we all know, no one can stop the Master of Romance from acquiring his prey.

I was talking about the kiss her screw-up. Yes, Hisao, just kiss her and go straight for the tits. Brilliant plan. Honestly, though, if he had just given her a quick kiss, I would hope it would have worked out better. Cuz...I mean, if a girl tells you to kiss her, what the fuck else are you gonna do? I'm not that innocent.

[steptaker]

Kiss Her.

Well, shit.

Although I guess I should have expected as much lol. Good writing nonetheless, I was surprised to see such a fast update.

[Mirage_GSM]

All three of us are sitting in Suzu's room right now.
...
All three of us are standing just outside Aura Mart.

You start thae chapter in Suzu's room and then jump into a flashbackwithout any warning. I suggest either separating the flashback somehow (****) or putting it in past tense.

"This was all a test, foo'," she cackles. "Be thankful you passed with flying colors."

If you want to test someone, you shouldn't get them drunk first^^°
Honestly - first getting a guy forcibly drunk, then asking him to kiss her and then throwing him out into the darkness... Quite a dick move. (I don't think the dorms are locked, though. Being locked out could be very dangerous for some students, if their medication is in their rooms.

Anyway, this is why I always say Fanfics shouldn't have choice points. It almost always ends up kind of forced. This would have been a very good chapter again if not for you trying to insert a choice. The whole "test" thing is quite far-fetched and not really in character for Miki either. If you had simply gone from her talking about her brothers to them going to sleep the chapter would have flowed a lot better.

Miki and Suzu are both wearing sunglasses,

During class? Ah, so much for being subtle^^°

[acquireTigris]

You start thae chapter in Suzu's room and then jump into a flashbackwithout any warning. I suggest either separating the flashback somehow (****) or putting it in past tense.

Failure on my part for not editing properly.

The whole "test" thing is quite far-fetched and not really in character for Miki either. If you had simply gone from her talking about her brothers to them going to sleep the chapter would have flowed a lot better.

I agree. The whole choice thing really jars the story's progress. Though I still had a branch or two planned in the future, I guess I'll just have to stick with one storyline.

As for Miki not doing the test... I dunno. I personally know someone who's as brash and cocky as Miki: my sister. She will test you, and she will drop you in a second if you fail her. The drinking thing was a bit farfetched, but then again, this is a work of fiction.

Miki and Suzu are both wearing sunglasses,

During class? Ah, so much for being subtle^^°

Last time I checked, Yamaku students had free reign over their uniforms. Miki wears the boys' shirt instead of a blouse. Some students wear hats in school. I'm sure no one'll bat an eye for wearing shades.

[dewelar]

I knew "Kiss Her" would be a bad move, drunk or not...

I hope Miki doesn't take too long to make a decision because one of my least favorite story elements in a romance is "I can't decide whether I like you or not so let me think about it for a week". I didn't like it when Hisao did it in Developments , so I doubt i'd like it here.

Yeah, I'm usually not keen on it myself, actually. It was one of the weaker points of one of my own favorite old-school games, Season of the Sakura. I had my reasons for using it, which I won't go into here, but I think, like any trope, whether or not it works depends on whether or not it's justified. We've yet to see if that's the case here, so I'll give it a pass for now.

What bothers me more are fics that use getting drunk as an excuse for people to behave out of character, because they need them to behave out of character in order to move the plot along. It's a cop-out, and in this case it reflects poorly on Miki, as Mirage pointed out. As he also pointed out:

"This was all a test, foo'," she cackles. "Be thankful you passed with flying colors."

If you want to test someone, you shouldn't get them drunk first^^°

So much this. It kind of invalidates the results, as any good scientist (e.g., Hisao ) will tell you. Also, I did a little research for Developments, and an excess of alcohol can actually trigger an arrhythmia, so no, not good for Hisao at all .

I know I sound like I'm complaining a lot, but I do think this story is interesting enough to keep following it, at least for now.

[Sea]

I shall be sad when this gets aborted

[AntonSlavik020]

Yeah, I wasn't big on the neck kissing either. Felt too forward. And Hisao was right, alcohol is bad for him. Made me a little upset with Miki(and Suzu for egging him on) for putting him in danger like that. I don't remember if he's told them of his condition yet or not, but it's the perfect excuse for not drinking. I'd hope they would understand.

[LilyKitsune]

Yeah, I wasn't big on the neck kissing either. Felt too forward.

Glad someone else felt so.