Running on empty [Emi's good end cont'd.] (updated: 3/9)

[Guest Poster]

Preferably, the only required reading material for someone starting on your fic should be Katawa Shoujo itself. Anyone who hasn't read Ascent would have been utterly confused by that scene. Even if you feel making long references to other fics, the 2nd chapter is probably not the right place to do it. Establish your own setting first before doing stuff like that. Seeing that you intend it to be a serious story, you shouldn't open with a parody or anything overly ridiculous. There's room for comic relief in a serious story, but it shouldn't be part of the first impression. If Katawa Shoujo involved a dream sequence like the one you wrote as its second scene, most people here would have gotten up, shouted "Bullshit!" at the top of their lungs and hit Alt-F4.

Since the story takes place in Japan, it's okay to let SOME cultural telltale marks in there (like people addressing people they're not overly familiar with with their last name), but try not to go overboard. I personally wouldn't even do the first name/last name switch since the VN didn't do this either. I'm not sure if the "onii-chan"-thing was meant to be part of the parody, but please...just...don't. I personally wouldn't even use honorifics, but terms like "onii-chan" in a story written in English just screams "weaboo" and it kind of draws the reader out of the story. Katawa Shoujo's writing was pretty down-to-earth, so you can get away with doing the same.

[azumeow]

I'm really surprised by the reception. It was meant to be a parody of that utterly ridiculous scene in Ascent, but I suppose that wasn't the right thing to do / I did it wrong ...? Explanations and reasons would be nice - I really am confused.

I intended this to be a serious project, and it still is. If the parody is way too off-putting (that being the only reason), it can do without it. Thanks for the feedback.

I spent the day working out a very satisfying plot, and originally decided I had to modify chapter one and two accordingly, though frankly chapter one more than two because ultimately Emi's perspective is still the one that requires more adjusting. And then I read all this. So, entirely rewrite chapter two, sans parody? Okay.

Parody is fine, but what I think happened is throwing that in in chapter TWO was....not a good idea. What happened was, we got a nice chapter, then BAM-gratuitous porn. I do actually like your writing, even though I agree that some of the words used are a bit too...academic for Emi, and probably even Hisao. Hisao having a non-descript wet dream about Emi would be a better fit for that section, and wouldn't exactly change the circumstances of the encounter. I know the Emi is probably the most sexually liberal of the girls, but the whole "pound me..." line was like something out of a porno. I mean, in a dream I can see it happening, but as I said earlier, throwing it right in at chapter two was probably a bit soon.

I would like to see this continue, even if there is more porn down the line. Really, a good sex scene or two can really help a story if you do it right. I think your execution was just...a bit too silly for what seemed like a serious story.

As was suggested by Mirage, making a buffer of a few chapters is helpful for when writer's block happens- and it WILL happen.

Another point: you use 'these' (I don't even know the proper name for them! HA! Some grammar nazi I am) to denote both speaking and text (Rin's text). I will suggest using quotation marks for spoken dialogue, since that's...kinda how it works.

I echo Guest's sentiment on onii-chan. Even in parody....it goes just a bit too far. Honorifics and name-switch are your call, but I do hope you take our suggestion on this one: it just feels creepy to read...

Aside from those though, I do like what you're doing. A great Emi epilogue would be nice.

[dewelar]

Preferably, the only required reading material for someone starting on your fic should be Katawa Shoujo itself. Anyone who hasn't read Ascent would have been utterly confused by that scene.

Heck, I have read Ascent, and I was utterly confused, because I don't remember anything about it except the basic details. Of course, I read it a year ago and didn't care much for it then, either. Even after reading that it was meant to be a parody of that story, there would be a larger problem: what would that mean in the context of this story? Did the events of Ascent happen in this continuity, and Hisao and Emi thought it was so ridiculous that they actually talk about it like this? Is it some kind of weird meta-thing, where KS is a documentary, and they read fanfiction based on it? Or, a third alternative, do they really behave this way in their day-to-day lives?

Yeah, if you're going to do something off the wall in a serious story, make sure it makes sense in context. Anything else I'd say right now has already been said by others. I'm willing to see what the rewritten chapter looks like before mentally binning this, but you should recognize that you burned up a lot of good will with that post, and a lot of readers won't come back, ever.

[edward_low]

I definitely understand now. I'm really grateful that you guys took the time.

I'm not too concerned about losing readers, if that's the cost of learning. Though I do wish I didn't lose them so stupidly. wtf

After I finished KS and looked through developer comments and interviews, I realised what a joy it is to create something you're truly proud of. I'm just going to write the best end product ever.

[azumeow]

I definitely understand now. I'm really grateful that you guys took the time.

I'm not too concerned about losing readers, if that's the cost of learning. Though I do wish I didn't lose them so stupidly. wtf

After I finished KS and looked through developer comments and interviews, I realised what a joy it is to create something you're truly proud of. I'm just going to write the best end product ever.

You better, because I won't forgive you if the result is less than great!
Nah, have fun with it. Make something you're proud of, even if it doesn't get the hugest fanbase.

[dewelar]

I definitely understand now. I'm really grateful that you guys took the time.

I'm not too concerned about losing readers, if that's the cost of learning. Though I do wish I didn't lose them so stupidly. wtf

After I finished KS and looked through developer comments and interviews, I realised what a joy it is to create something you're truly proud of. I'm just going to write the best end product ever.

...which is exactly the right attitude to have. There's hope for you yet . Good luck!

[Mirage_GSM]

Basically I second everything Guest Poster said.
I don't mind honorifics in general, but the way they were used in this chapter was just... weird. It just sounded like Emi getting kinky, and even after your explanation I'm not sure if that was still supposed to be part of the parody.

Hisao having a non-descript wet dream about Emi would be a better fit for that section, and wouldn't exactly change the circumstances of the encounter. I know the Emi is probably the most sexually liberal of the girls, but the whole "pound me..." line was like something out of a porno.

I have read Ascent a few years ago and I was vaguely aware of the similarities, but that still doesn't change the fact that the sex in that scene was gratuitious.
To elaborate, for me any h-scene that isn't neccessary for the story is gratuitious.
For example, Hanako's scene is a prime example fot a h-scene that is important for the story because the way it happens greatly influences the relationship of the pair.
Shizune's h-scenes were both gratuitious. They happened, but are hardly even mentioned afterwards.
The other h-scenes in the VN fall somewhere in between. Emi's first scene is describing their first time and thus moderately relevant. The shed scene is an example of a well done parody. It's comic relief but it doesn't stand out as implausible - more like the opposite in fact.
After that sex was more or less glossed over in Emi's arc. It was understood that they regularly had sex, but there wasn' any need to describe it.
So if you want to include more h-scenes you should ask yourself: What will my readers miss if I don't include this scene. If your answer is "an opportunity to fap" you should consider skipping it.

[edward_low]

Nod.

Just to share, Emi's shed scene happened because the devs really wanted an anal scene to spice things up (of all things, they were concerned about being too boring and vanilla).

Hivemind drew the short straw, so he decided to portray accurately by making it awkward for everyone.

[LilyKitsune]

I'm really surprised by the reception. It was meant to be a parody of that utterly ridiculous scene in Ascent, but I suppose that wasn't the right thing to do / I did it wrong ...? Explanations and reasons would be nice - I really am confused.

I intended this to be a serious project, and it still is. If the parody is way too off-putting (that being the only reason), it can do without it. Thanks for the feedback.

I spent the day working out a very satisfying plot, and originally decided I had to modify chapter one and two accordingly, though frankly chapter one more than two because ultimately Emi's perspective is still the one that requires more adjusting. And then I read all this. So, entirely rewrite chapter two, sans parody? Okay.

I don't remember the story well enough for a parody to have been relevant to me. I guess other people got the reference but missed the parody. Perhaps it skirted a little too close to that line of "are they serious?"

On a more fun note, since its removal, people will be filled with terrible amounts of curiosity given the reactions to that chapter.

[griffon8]

On a more fun note, since its removal, people will be filled with terrible amounts of curiosity given the reactions to that chapter.

You got that right!

[LilyKitsune]

On a more fun note, since its removal, people will be filled with terrible amounts of curiosity given the reactions to that chapter.

You got that right!

Lets just say the line "punish me with your cock, onii-chan" was used.

[azumeow]

On a more fun note, since its removal, people will be filled with terrible amounts of curiosity given the reactions to that chapter.

You got that right!

Lets just say the line "punish me with your cock, onii-chan" was used.

I believe the words "big" and "delicious" were also present.

[Leaty]

What this entire exchange has taught me is that I want to write an epilogue fic where in the middle of intercourse Emi screams "punish me with your cock, onii-chan," and it freaks out Hisao so much that he immediately pulls out and wordlessly heads for the shower.

[azumeow]

What this entire exchange has taught me is that I want to write an epilogue fic where in the middle of intercourse Emi screams "punish me with your cock, onii-chan," and it freaks out Hisao so much that he immediately pulls out and wordlessly heads for the shower.

Emi quotes a hentai manga to "help" Hisao, inadvertently ruining the entire experience.

[Thranduil_01]

Although the deleted second part was a blunder, I'd still hate to see this fanfic get abandoned. Please don't be let down too much from that and I'd love to see this be continued, though I won't put it against you if you decide to abandon it.