Fighting for the Future –A H&K: MD! Birthday Special
Over the years, it got easier to deal with Hanako’s birthday, both for me, our children, our friends, and of course, Hanako herself. Some years stand out more than others, and one of those that stands out most occurred when she was pregnant with our first child, Akio.
As usual during her birthday, Hanako had holed up in the bedroom, which, now that we had our own place, was our bedroom. For that reason she didn’t lock herself in, though we had other rooms where she could have. I guess she wanted the familiarity more than the isolation.
Anyway, even back then she had made progress, the most striking of which was that she didn’t mind me being with her. If I’m honest, that was probably just as much the result of us sharing a bed as it was anything else.
She was also eating properly, fortunately, although she almost never left the room if she could help it. I was more than happy to make sure she was eating, of course, as it was about all I could do for her during that time of year. Which was why I was standing in front of our bedroom door with a tray of food, carefully selected to go along with her latest cravings and dietary needs.
I gently knocked on the door, “Hey, Hana. I have dinner. And marshmallows.”
No response. Which, in a way, was a response in itself. Suppressing a sigh, I gently opened the door and stepped into our bedroom.
The lights were off and the window covered, so it took my eyes a moment to adjust. I closed the door behind me with my foot, and watched to see if Hanako would react to my presence.
My heavily pregnant wife was lying on the bed, completely covered by a bed sheet. She didn’t stir or move at all, so I placed the tray of food on the dresser by her head and stepped back. After a few minutes, a hand appeared from under the sheet, groped for the tray, grabbed a marshmallow, and retreated back under the covers. A little while later the hand reappeared, and, bit by bit, the food disappeared under the cover.
When the tray was empty I picked it up and headed for the door. I was almost there when I heard a muffled grunt from under the covers.
I turned my head back toward the bed, not letting my hopes rise as I asked, “I’m sorry?”
“…You can stay.”
I slowly turned on my heel to face the bed, “Okay.”
I placed the tray back down on the dresser and slowly eased over behind Hanako. As I carefully cuddled up to her, she lowered the sheet enough that I could see her head. Or rather, her long hair matted over her face.
I resisted the urge to move her hair and just laid there, my hand absently making its way to her covered belly. She didn’t flinch at my touch, or react at all, for that matter. For a while we just laid like that, Hanako trapped in her own roiling emotions and hormones, while I provided what little comfort I could, and kept my mouth shut.
After a while, Hanako spoke, muttering, “He doesn’t kick much, and he’s not very strong.”
“The Doctor says he’s fine,” so much for keeping my mouth shut, “He’s just taking after his mother; quiet and considerate. He’s still kicking regularly, right?”
“…Yes.”
“Good.”
We were silent for a little while longer, until once again Hanako spoke up, however quietly, “…It’s not fair. To him.”
I dutifully resisted the urge to say anything this time, even though I had a disheartening suspicion where her line of thinking was heading.
“W-what kind of m-mother can’t even handle her own… p-past? W-what sort of m-mother am I going to be? And w-what if s-something happens to y-y-you? W-what were we thinking? We sh-sh-shouldn’t be-”
“Don’t say it,” I said, finally breaking my silence, “It’s not just about us now. We have to think about what’s best for him, and I know you think you’re doing that, but lamenting his existence and our own problems won’t help. You have strength few people have, to have to look in the mirror and see your past slap you in the face every time you do. Remember the first time you wore your hair back? You were terrified of what people would say or do. But you came through it, just like you get through every… year.”
“And yes, something might happen to me,” I continued, “It’s not as likely as it was five or ten years ago, but it’s possible. It’s even possible he’ll inherit my condition. Unlikely, but possible. But you’ll get through that, too. And you’re forgetting we’re not alone –you’re not alone. Lilly and George will look after him if anything happens. They have Hanaye, so they already know what to do.
“We can’t let our problems affect us as parents, or at least, have them affect us as little as possible. I won’t be able to play soccer with my son, and there’ll be times when you just need to be alone. He’ll understand that. But it’s not fair to regret him, to blame us for him, because if we think like that, we’ll screw him up even worse than we are.”
Since I was pretty sure I had pissed her off with my bullshit lecture, I gave her a quick, gentle squeeze, and left the bedroom, heading for the living room. I kept some spare sheets, blankets, and pillows under the couch, just in case. After my little outburst, it was probably best to leave Hanako alone until she needed food again.
Once I was hunkered down in the Fortress of Manly Regret, I did what any father-to-be with an emotionally traumatized, heavily pregnant wife who rued the day she was born did; I called my best friend to whine about what a terrible husband I was.
My cell phone rang twice before I heard Kenji’s reply, “What did you do this time?”
“And how are you, Kenji?” I replied.
“Did you mention her ankles again?”
“I’m not that dense,” I replied, “You know what day this is, right?”
“Of the pregnancy? Of course, man.”
“…That’s not what I meant.”
“…Oh, shit.”
I sighed, “Pretty much.”
“What. Did. You. Say?”
I sighed again and leaned back against the couch, “Well, first I interrupted her lamenting our status as parents and how we were unfit to be parents, mentioned her facial scars, told her if I dropped dead she’d get over it and Lilly and George could help with the kid, and that it wasn’t fair to him for us to whine about our crap.”
“…I’ll be over in ten minutes.”
“Don’t bother,” I said, “I appreciate the thought, but this is something I have to deal with alone.”
“I get you, man,” Kenji stated, “and for what it’s worth, it sounds like what you said had to be said.”
“I still feel like shit for saying it,” I grumbled, “I mean, slash-and-burn psychology was always your shtick.”
Kenji snorted, “Gee thanks, man. So maybe you’re word choice sucked; neither one of you is in the right head space right now. I mean it’s what, week 29?”
“…You know that is really creepy, right?”
“I can’t help being good at my job,” Kenji countered, “So, what are you gonna do?”
“Hunker down on the couch until I need to get her more food, apologize for having the tact of a Khornate Berserker, and in the meantime hope I didn’t just make things worse.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Kenji replied, “Good luck, let me know how it turns out.”
“Thanks, man,” I said, and after a couple quick goodbyes, we hung up.
I settled into my couch fortress, one eye on my watch as I bided my time and thought. I mulled over what I had said, what Hanako had said, what Kenji had said, the last few days, and a few random things that floated around my head as I thought.
We knew going into things there would be rough patches, but we were both willing to deal with that, because it was all worth it. I’d tread through the next few days as best I could, just like she had to.
I was about to reach under the couch for a book when I got the sense I was being watched. While I’d normally attribute that to too much time spent with Kenji, I instinctively looked behind me towards the hallway. Peeking out into the living room was a lone eye, obscured by a sheet of matted purple hair.
I blinked hard to make sure I wasn’t imagining things. Hanako was still there, in the hallway, looking at me through her neglected hair. After a few seconds she silently waddled over to the couch, where she stiffly sat down next to me.
I resisted the urge to speak, and made sure my jaw was snapped shut as she slowly eased against me.
Barely loud enough to hear, Hanako mumbled, “He’s kicking.”
I was still too stunned to say anything, or even touch her, which was probably for the best. It took a little while for Hanako to find a position that was both comfortable for her and myself, but eventually she figured it out. I was still wary of saying anything, but I slowly put my arm around her. She didn’t react to my touch, for better or worse.
A little while later, Hanako muttered, “It won’t be easy.”
A simple statement, with so much meaning behind it. Though still wary and shocked by her unprecedented departure from the bedroom, I felt this statement did require a response.
“Nothing worth doing or having is ever easy,” I declared.
Hanako’s head shifted lethargically, and it took me a moment to realize she was nodding.
No, it wouldn’t be easy. But we’d keep fighting, together. Both for our sakes, and those of our children.
+++
You know, I don’t think the fights he’d end up in were quite the ones he imagined
.Speaking of, I should get ready for Halloween… where I’d put that book on voodoo….
Also, looking at the math, it would seem Akio was conceived before the two graduated, and, presumably, married. Hmm....
