Another Yamaku

[Griffx52]

I have a fanfic I wanted to share for a while now. It was something I've wanted to write for the past two years. My only issue is... Well, I've gotten really nervous on the subject of fanfiction lately. Whatnot with the hate I see all the time on it... Especially because of self-inserts and OC.

The whole concept of this fanfic was to add a character with a little bit of a different personality to it.

But instead of toiling away at the idea of how much people might hate it... I'm going to post it here and hope that I don't get severely soul-shredded on it.

... Sorry if you hate OC, by the way. I know many people don't enjoy it.

(I'm sending this as a google drive link. I'd appreciate the constructive criticism if you have any. It's only a rough idea before I actually work on it even more...)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ew ... 186D8/edit

[brythain]

Post the fic, it's OK, we don't bite (much) around here!

[Griffx52]

Post the fic, it's OK, we don't bite (much) around here!

Haha. I hope not.

I posted it from my google drive- the link should take you to where my progress has lead. But in case that doesn't work... Well, here. Lemme put it in...



So, here I am, in front of the gates to Yamaku Academy for Disabled Individuals. At least, that’s what I call it. Which, to be fair, it IS a place for disabled children. I guess things could be worse. Mostly because my disability is the fact that I have a missing leg. It’s not as bad as other kids. I mean, I could have been born without both legs, or without arms, or even a mixture of both!
The ride to Yamaku was a very long one. With having to be stuck in traffic, I took it upon myself to listen to my music player. I sat next to one of the windows and watched the city streets go by my now wide awake and open eyes. The only actual thing that kept me happy was the jazz music playing in my ears as my parents made their way to the predetermined destination.
Of course, at some points, I never looked outside because I was tired from the night before from packing everything up. Having to double check just in case I missed anything. And making sure I had enough clothes (including the uniform) to last me a week. I don’t think I’d ever have gone to sleep last night if it weren't for the help of my parents.
The car pulled up in front of Yamaku, and my parents and I got out. They wanted to help me unload my bags and say goodbye. “All right, Griff,” my mom said, “We made sure you packed everything last night.” They handed me a backpack and a laptop carrying case, while I pulled out the bag of clothes and other necessities.
“I know you hate going to a new school, Griff,” my dad told me. He must have seen the look on my face. “No one likes leaving all of their friends behind to go to a new place, but, think of it this way. At least kids won’t make fun of you for how you look.” Ugh, I remember now that’s why I’m here.
See, when I was in high school, a lot of kids thought I was retarded because of the lack of one of my legs. Sounds dumb, right? Well, these kids kept making fun of me. Day in and day out I’d usually get told I was a lower form of a human being. And I’m not usually one to “lose his shit”, but, one day, someone decided to rip off my prosthetic leg and trip me over.
So, a few days later, I found that guy, and hit him in the face; breaking his nose. I got suspended for a good two weeks, but my parents completely understood. And during the first week of my suspension, I was sent a letter from Yamaku about how I have been invited to join them in education.
I still hate the idea of leaving my old school, but at the same time don’t. Having hated most of the people there, but I had met some pretty cool people. I barely talked to them, though. Some of which just started ignoring me. I didn’t really care; I mostly ate lunch by myself and got my homework done without anyone helping me. So, I guess it’s time to find some new friends that I can relate to.
I walked into Yamaku as my parents drove away. I was told to head to the office to get my dorm number and find what classroom I’d be in. Of course, I arrived here just as the school day was over, so introductions would have to wait until tomorrow.
When I got to the main office, I was given a key to my dorm and was then told to go to the Nurse’s office to discuss anything aside from the obvious. It was about some of the other medications I was taking. One such involved anxiety medication that I would have to take before heading to bed. As I told the nurse this, he explained, casually, that I should come in every night for him to administer the medication. I was fine with this.
“I’m in here every day and night. Along with my assistants who are also able to give you your medication if I’m ever out” He was a pleasant person. I guess that’s just his bedside manner. I had questions for the nurse, but I decided to head out and get my things unpacked. I said I’d be back later tonight to take my meds.
I left the building, and headed straight toward the nearby adjoined unit that contained all of the school’s classrooms. Inside, I would find my new teacher waiting to meet me in their classroom on the second floor. Walking up the stairs, I became self-conscious of how loud my prosthetic really was inside of an empty building. I wondered if this could get any more annoying than that.
At least nobody was there to hear it- that was the important part. It was also the least of my worries. I was more focused on what teacher I was going to get. I was only told their room number and what floor they were on, but no insight as to what their name was, or what their gender was.
I got to the end of the stairs and saw down the hall. The room was right in front of the stairwell. “7-D” was displayed on the side next to it, and under that was braile translating it. The door was a 2-way push door. Made sense, seeing how some were physically disabled and incapable of opening doors with a handle on them.
I opened the door, and a blonde haired woman looked right at me from her desk at the front of
the room. She stared at me for a good moment before she opened with, “Are you Griff?” I nodded, and then, after another moment of staring, answered her with a nervous “Yes.” She smiled at this, “Ah, good, I’ve been expecting you,” as if she were some kind of villain in a comic book.
Damn, I should get a life sometime. My life is mostly about “video games, comic books, and other idiotic distractions”. Might I add, I sometimes go out of reality and into my own little world. Like, right now, I feel like I’m just doing an inner monologue for other people to read. It’s kind of unnerving when I think about it.
That’s beside the point, though. At the very moment, I was being asked a few questions by this woman who was named “Takizawa.” Her first question was, “What hobbies do you take up in?” Well, I couldn’t say “video games, comics, and other distractions,” so I ended up telling her the other stuff I do.
“I like to draw, listen to music, and do some running/walking.” She’s writing this down, I thought, why the hell is she writing this down? “Are you writing all of this down?” I asked, dumbfounded. “Uh, no?” She responded, “Do you want me to?” Oh, great; now I look like an idiot. Better think of something... “Uh, just wondering.” I gave a nervous little chuckle, and continued. “I do other stuff such as play games and the like. I’m like any other student, you realize.” She nodded at that, “I know a fair share of ‘gamers’ myself.”
We talked for a little while longer, and then she told me she needed to get going. Hearing that, I noticed the sun was beginning to set. Oh man, I thought to myself, I better go get my stuff unpacked. I told her I’d see her in class tomorrow and she said “Have a nice day, then, Griff.” And we went opposite directions.
Once I got into my dorm, I started to unpack. Pulling out random items and sorting them into certain areas, I didn’t notice a figure standing behind me. When I did notice, though, I turned around, and saw some guy with a scarf and glasses. I inched back, “Whoa, can I help you?” I asked, trying not to sound disturbed.

All he did was look at me and left.

Wait, what, I thought, that was strange. He didn’t even say anything. Okay, maybe he was just nervous, but I highly doubt that on account of him having the courage to come into my dorm and start staring at me. Whoever he was, I had a feeling I’d be seeing a lot more of him around the school.
Aside from that incident, nothing else really happened. I finished unpacking and left my dorm to go take my medication at the nurse’s office. I had lost track of time and hadn’t realized it was dark already. I looked at my alarm clock that I had just plugged in. It read the time as 9:32 PM. Guess I better get going, I thought to myself.
I walked down to the nurse’s office and saw that the place was empty. Well, except for the nurse. He sat in his office chair with that same grin he was wearing before. What, was he wearing a mask that hid his true identity from the real world? Would that mask come off when it was time to take a victim? I wonder these things in my head sometimes.
“Oh, Griff, you’re here for your medication, yes?” I nodded at this statement. “I’ve got them right here. You only need one, as directed.” He unscrewed the bottle and dropped a pill in his hand. “Do you need water, or can you take it as is?” I told him that I didn’t need water. He nodded and then turned back to his desk and resumed the paperwork he was filling out. “Well, goodnight.” I said, “Oh, yes, good night, Griff.” He said, as I walked out and went back to my dorm.
So, when I got back to my dorm, I realized I didn’t have anything better to do aside from crawl into bed and wait for tomorrow. As I lay my head on my pillow, I realized that this was going to be the first time I’d be sleeping in a dorm room. I wondered to myself about the upcoming days that followed my arrival here at Yamaku academy.

I shut my eyes, and drifted off into dreamland. Exciting myself about the next days events that would follow, and imagining just how amazing everything would be. Well, so long as it goes right, that is.

Act 1: Distance
Chapter 1: Take It Slow
Either I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or I’m just sore from carrying my baggage. Either way, my shoulder feels like someone took a hammer to it. A giant hammer. Right in my shoulder blade. That, or someone left weights on my arms and took them off before running off with them.
Oh, what do I care, I’m barely awake anyways. I was in the middle of a dream until my alarm clock shattered it. Certainly why I call it a “Dreamcrusher”. It wakes you up when the dreams are just getting to the good part, and the adventure begins. I remember this one time when I was around thirteen where I dreamt I was a pirate (that is so cheesy, I know, but I loved pirates as a kid), and right as I was about to sail into another ship, my alarm woke me up.
I bring my head up and get a fix on my current situation. It’s 7:42 AM on a Thursday morning. I have a half-hour before class starts, and I don’t really need to make much of an effort to get there, considering I’m in the same campus, it’s not much of a trek to get there. I’m in no rush, so I take it slow. I put my prosthetic on my leg, tightening the bolt to keep it in place on my leg to prevent it falling off. Followed by making myself some instant coffee, and having a small breakfast before heading off to class.
I feel good this morning, and not as anxious on my first day of school. I wonder why, too, because I always used to freak out before my first day of school asking myself questions like “what if I look like a total loser in front of everyone? What if they just don’t like me?” Today is different, though, I announce to myself, today is a new day.
Once I finish my food, I grab my bag, and head to class. Right as I opened the door, I saw that kid from yesterday walk out. He was looking around, and part of me wanted to greet him, but I had to get to class. So I let him do whatever it is he’s doing.
Walking to the school building, I take a moment and look at the grounds of the campus. It looks beautiful with the morning sun shining on it. The morning breeze grants the trees to say “hello” as they wave to anyone passing by. It’s poetic, to say the least, as to how nice this place looks.
I make my way to the educational building and make my way inside. Everyone else is just getting to class, so I’m not too late, either. Good.
I get to my class, 7-D. Takizawa got out of her seat and announced to the class, “Everyone we have a new student! His name is Griff, and he’s a transfer from another high school. I want you to treat him with respect.” She stops and tells me to introduce myself. “Uh, I’m new here…” Wow, are you stupid, I ask myself, everyone knows that already. “My name’s Griff, and I like writing, drawing, and running. Also I like listening to a lot of music.”
That went great; if the word great was substituted with the word “horrible”, then that’s what it was. Takizawa then tells me to take a seat next to Ibarazaki. It was the only seat that wasn’t taken. I walked over, put my bag down, and sat down.
“Hello,” the girl next to me says, “I’m Emi.” She looked cheery as she told me this. “You said you like running, right?” I nodded, “I think we should talk after class, I don’t wanna get in trouble on my first day.” Emi gave a glance at me that said “alright” and we went off to listen to Takizawa.
The day went by slowly. With discussions on things like language and chaos theory; wasn’t a bad day, I must say.
Once class did end, though, Emi started talking with me. Resuming the topic she started on. “Do you run a lot?” She questioned me like this was an interrogation. “Uhm, well, I just run whenever I feel like it. I’m not really a guy for organized sports. But running is just fun to do.” She had me walk with her. “You ever think about joining track? You sound like you’d be good at it.” That made me hesitant. “I’ll consider it, maybe.”
I got the feeling we’d be good friends.
“I really have to get going,” she said, “friend of mine and I were going to eat lunch. You can join if you want.” I declined. “I’m gonna go explore this place some more. I’ll talk with you later.” We parted ways.
I take this situation in the most positive light as I can. Yeah, school’s kinda boring; but something tells me that I’ll find some way to crawl outta that. That’s a pretty positive light isn’t it? I think so.
Walking out into the school grounds again, I see beauty from a different perspective and a different type of lighting. This place is wonderful, I tell myself, it seems to be full of adventure, you just gotta find it.
As the day began ending, I went back to my dorm, having first grabbed my medication. It wasn’t that rough a day. I guess this medication is doing its job because I wasn’t a total nervous wreck. That’s a first for a school day.
I walked to my dorm, and twisted the handle to get it open, and suddenly, found something poking me in the back of my left shoulder. I turned in total fear with my heart racing, and ready to strike if it was a hostile force that had come to reckon with me.
… But it was only just that kid from yesterday that came into my room. This time, he had huge, rounded glasses, and a scarf that I swear he ripped off of Harry Potter.
He opened his mouth, “Sup.” I finally heard his voice. His voice was very casual. “Uh,” was all I managed to say in a rather nervous tone. “You’re that new kid that just came here, right?” I gave him a nod. “Well?” He asked me, “are you?” it had hit me that this student must have vision issues. “Uh, yeah. I’m the new kid. Why?” he felt my face. “Story went around that you were white, is that correct?”
“Uhh, yeah, I’m caucasian.” I hated being called a “white” kid. Come on, I know I’m not of any descent of Japanese origin, I get that; in other words; stop telling me that.
“So, you’re different.” He continues, twiddling his fingers around in a really nervous manner. What is this guy, a tweaker? Oh man, that better not be the case.
“Since you’re different. I can trust you. Different guys are better to trust than people who aren’t. And since you’re not a samefag-” I cut him off. “What?”
“Not so loud!” He announces with a loud boom. “If they hear you, we’ll both be dead.” This was LITERALLY the part of my life where I wished that the one person that never talked stayed that way.
“Listen, you need to know what’s REALLY going on around here. Can I trust you with this valuable information?” Uhh, I think to myself, what in fu- Okay, Griff, don’t even get into that territory.
“Yeah, alright, you can trust me.”
“I knew I could. Now, listen closely, because I’ll only say this once…”
I leaned in, acting curious. In reality, I sorta was, but I wanted to get some rest soon. And why would it even MATTER that I was white, anyways? Ugh, I’m not really understand people much these days. It’s a crazy world out there. Or maybe I’m just crazy.
“I think there’s a feminist conspiracy out in this school. They’re plotting to brainwash us and think that everything is okay. But in reality, we’re not okay. Eventually, human males will be obsolete for reproduction and will eventually be killed off. I’m not going to let that happen.”
This guy wouldn’t reveal his name until after this. “By the way, I’m Kenji.” I hold out my hand, “uh, Gri-”
“No!” He interrupted me and slapped my hand. “You CAN’T tell me your real name. It’ll ruin both of us in the end.” Oh great, a nut. I should have guessed that there was someone out there like that.
“You’ll be called Agent Snowflake. You’ll be my go-to-guy for holding information.”
He seemed proud of that, and I seemed rather… Weirded out. “Report here at 4 AM tomorrow, and I’ll continue my operation with you, Agent Snowball.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Don’t you mean Snowflake?”
“No. I change it every time I say it.”
Goddamn it.

I finally went to sleep, that night; it turns out that conversation ran ‘till midnight with Kenji trying to explain this feminist conspiracy in ABSOLUTE DETAIL. I swear, why am I so NICE and POLITE to everyone? My life would be so much more fulfilling if I was a total jerk.
Pfft, not really. I’d probably be a horrible person. And I’d probably end up hating myself. So, what’s the point. I ask these questions to myself as I head off to class again, and find that Emi will be my partner again for today’s activity.
And this time, Emi brings up my interest in drawing.
“So, you like drawing, huh?” She asks me. “You think you’ll ever get a career out of it?” I looked at her in surprise, then resumed my casual look. “I guess. It’s really not like I know what my career plans are ANYWAYS.”
She nodded. “No one really does.”
Then she brought up something new to me.
“I have a friend who’s interested in art. I think you’d like her. Wanna meet her at lunch?” I think about that question for a second.
“Uh, well, I’m not great at meeting people very well so…”
“You could talk to me just fine, right? C’mon, it’ll be fun!”
I caved in. Emi is so friggin’ cheery to the point of being like a kitten. She just makes you melt from how adorable she acts.
Eventually, as lunch rolls around, I find myself already out and about, with Emi pulling me into another classroom. A place full of oil paints and canvas. A place full of sculptures and mallets. A place full of… One armless girl?
Well, that was a surprise. Emi walked over to this girl, and exchanged some information with her.
“Are you sure he’s not selling drugs to you?” The girl Emi was talking to asks. Emi froze.
“Wha-What!? No! I know he’s not.”
“Are you sure? You can never be too careful.”
Was this Kenji’s twin? Nah, couldn’t be. At least this girl seemed sorta normal.
“Griff, this is Rin. She’s been a really good friend of mine for a while.”
I responded with a modest “Hello”, and threw the words out the best I could. Rin just closed her eyes and thought about this situation. Maybe she too was also nervous of this entire situation, herself.
“Hello.” Her eyes open up again, and that’s all she says.
“So, I hear you’re into art. How long have you been practicing?” I ask her. I’m intrigued in her.
“Probably for a while.”
Solid answers. Rin seems to be more than just “armless” to me. She’s interesting, I’ll give her that. But damn, this girl is impossible to read already. I can’t figure out what she’ll tell anyone. This lead on to be a long conversation with her, too. Probably an hour. Mostly asking her questions and seeing what kinda art she’s done.
In the end, I decided to leave. I said my goodbye’s. And as I left, I looked back at the room behind me. Wondering in my head why I felt a little connection with Rin. I only talked with her for only an hour, and I wanted to know more. For some odd reason, I wanted to talk with her about art and such. Was I interested? Was this what you would call “having a friend”?
Eh, it’s the same with Emi. But the difference is that I can actually understand Emi.
In light of these last two days. I’ve learned something.

I’m really going to like it here.

[Leaty]

Your formatting leaves a lot to be desired. You need to read a style guide (like Strunk & White's The Elements of Style.) You've been way, way too parsimonious with your line breaks and your paragraphs are a mess. I can't read your story (like, literally, I cannot read it) until that is rectified.

Take a look at Dewelar's Developments for a great example of how text should look spaced out on the forums.

[forgetmenot]

Your formatting leaves a lot to be desired. You need to read a style guide (like Strunk & White's The Elements of Style.) You've been way, way too parsimonious with your line breaks and your paragraphs are a mess. I can't read your story (like, literally, I cannot read it) until that is rectified.

Take a look at Dewelar's Developments for a great example of how text should look spaced out on the forums.

This right here. I'd like to read it and offer constructive criticism, but my eyes get lost between the paragraphs and I can't read more than a couple sentences without reading the same one over and over again. It won't take long, and I guarantee it will be 1000% less headache-inducing.

[Mirage_GSM]

Okay, apart from what Leaty said - it would really read better if you'd insert some double-spacing and reworked the paragraphs* - my first impression isn't too bad. From your post I assume you've not written much in the way of fanfiction before and I've certainly seen worse first efforts.
Stories with OCs are not inherently bad, but most stories where the OC is a self-insert are. You could at least try to hide the fact that your OC is a self-insert by giving him a Japanese name instead of your Forum handle^^° (And if he really has to be a foreigner, you should at least try to explain why he is living in Japan.)

A thing that I noticed is that some sentences seem to be needlessly bloated to the point where parts do not make sense anymore, for example:

Of course, at some points, I never looked outside

"At some points" or "never"? You can't have both.

the nearby adjoined unit

Same here: Nearby or adjoined?

I know I’m not of any descent of Japanese origin

Either "of Japanese descent" or "of Japanese origin" is enough.

Having hated most of the people there, but I had met some pretty cool people.

This one doesn't fit together at all.

The section where he talks about his hobbies is a bit confusing. Is she or isn't she writing stuff down? Why doesn't he want to tell her about playing video games at first but tells her later anyway?
And why does he have to get his sleeping pill at the nurse's office every evening?

A note about tenses: The prologue is more or less consistently written in past tense. That's unusual for first person narrative but not really a problem. As of chapter 1 you jump between past and present tense a lot. That IS a problem...

Takizawa then tells me to take a seat next to Ibarazaki.

If this story is set in the same year as the VN, Emi's class is 3-4. There is no class 7-D in Yamaku.

“I have a friend who’s interested in art. I think you’d like her. Wanna meet her at lunch?”

Rin is in the same class, but of course she could be simply absent.

*Short version: Every time the person who does something changes you should begin a new paragraph and put an empty line between the two paragraphs. Here's an example:

I opened the door, and a blonde haired woman looked right at me from her desk at the front of the room. She stared at me for a good moment before she opened with, “Are you Griff?”

I nodded, and then, after another moment of staring, answered her with a nervous “Yes.”

She smiled at this, “Ah, good, I’ve been expecting you,” as if she were some kind of villain in a comic book.

[Griffx52]

This is exactly the stuff I was looking for.

After having read about the formatting, though, I went back to see what that meant, and then it hit me that when I copy-pasted it to the forum, I didn't take time to edit the format, or the paragraph breaks at all. (Considering that, I got lost in there,too.)

The stuff that doesn't make sense, or doesn't seem to fit the original storyline. Or grammatical errors- I'll fix those on the original document it was originally written on.

Oh, and, maybe it did seem like he was a "self-insert" character. (Boy, this is embarrassing...) Even there was kind of a backstory that was supposed to be filled out- I'm thinking of changing him, too, as of late.

All in all, though. I appreciate the criticism from fellow writers. It helps for me to work around that none of what you write in the beginning is "perfect". However, It doesn't have to be, does it?

I'll get right on it, though.