Disheveled [Ch. 3, 9/18] (undergoing revisions)

[Mahorfeus]

The witty dialogue was great as usual, though admittedly, I did have a little trouble slogging through the chapter. In my defense, I blame it on the math. Derivatives and the like were some of the most life-sucking things I had to deal with in high school. Brought back torturous memories. The girls seem to concur at least, so perhaps I am just empathizing. Disheveled, indeed.

Also, while reading this, I kept getting the impression that there was something philosophical, metaphorical going on in her mind. But it slipped through my fingers and out my pupils, I'm afraid. Might have to read this again.

[Umber]

The witty dialogue was great as usual, though admittedly, I did have a little trouble slogging through the chapter. In my defense, I blame it on the math. Derivatives and the like were some of the most life-sucking things I had to deal with in high school. Brought back torturous memories.

If I could blame it entirely on the math...I probably would. Actually, I love math, it's the waiting game between starting and solving an equation that gets irksome sometimes. Maybe I like being frustrated by numbers.

Says the person going into computer engineering.

Also, while reading this, I kept getting the impression that there was something philosophical, metaphorical going on in her mind. But it slipped through my fingers and out my pupils, I'm afraid. Might have to read this again.

It'll be loads better by the time you come back. I've got nothing better to do during my summer than to make sure of it.

[AntonSlavik020]

Well this chapter was certainly up and down. Loved the descriptions given to the phone and the dialog between Naomi and Nat, but the math talk and the talk with Mutuo at the end were pretty hard to read.

[Umber]

Chapter three revisions are here, as promised. And as always, critique and comments are welcomed. Please enjoy whenever possible.

[Mahorfeus]

Aaaaand we're back.

...wait a minute. This isn't a new chapter! Or is it?

I honestly never did get around to trying to read the chapter as it was before again - a shame, since I wanted to verify whether it was your writing or my own odd perception that was making it a little hard to read. Especially since this time around, I found it a lot easier to read. But I think I'll just chalk it down to your edits.

I see that you implemented the change of perspective you mentioned before... I thought it worked out rather well. I think I can see why you thought it would be hard to pull off, especially within the same chapter, but it worked.

Anyway, I can say without any awkwardness that this was a good chapter.

[Umber]

...wait a minute. This isn't a new chapter! Or is it?

Technically speaking... :p

I see that you implemented the change of perspective you mentioned before... I thought it worked out rather well. I think I can see why you thought it would be hard to pull off, especially within the same chapter, but it worked.

It's good to hear! The first draft of Naomi's perspective was scrapped, but my editor's advice (and lots of reading over the summer) helped out a lot with reworking it. He deserves more than he gets - sleep being one of those things.

Chapter four will take a little while, but it's mostly finished. In the meantime, I hear the library anniversary fics are coming out soon...