Mirage_GSM wrote:Hmm...
First of all I can't imagine a scene like that happening anywhere in Japan.
But even if it did, Hisao's reaction is way out of character for him.
I wouldn't really say it's so farfetched. Hisao presented with many outbursts in the VN, such as the bad ending for Act 1, and his mad dash during Emi's route in the rain. Granted, it may have been a stretch. But in order for this scene to work the way I had it mapped out, someone had to go a bit crazy.
But then again, I may be wrong, and I may have removed myself from the KS universe for too long to remember the characters well enough. I might look it over and post a revision, but right now it's following the plot line I have set out.
I hope it was decent, all things considered, though. As I said, I've been out of the KS writing mood for quite some time, so critique is welcome.
Well Hisao, everyone knows you get one punch, and only one punch, to knock someone out with one hit. You have used yours.
In all seriousness, I like this fic so far. I also agree with Mirage though. The last of this chapter had Hisao acting out of character. While he does lash out in the VN a bit, it is nothing like this.
Lost In The Fire wrote:Well Hisao, everyone knows you get one punch, and only one punch, to knock someone out with one hit. You have used yours.
In all seriousness, I like this fic so far. I also agree with Mirage though. The last of this chapter had Hisao acting out of character. While he does lash out in the VN a bit, it is nothing like this.
Who ever said he threw a punch? >_>
Sure, it was implied. But maybe that's the idea. ;P
This FanFic is written in such a frantic way that everything feels very disjointed. You're writing very short scenes with minor or major leaps ahead in the timeline that I don't feel like I follow an actual storyline but rather short flashes of it every here and there.
For example Hokkaido. The second day goes as following:
- Wake up and some small talk.
- Sudden trip to town with some weird heart episode despite not being under stress and taking the meds.
- It's even out of the blue and Lilly suggests Hisao and Hanako may go have some sex now because that seems to most logical thing to do after Hisao had some heart fluttering. They agree and have sex.
I mean what the hack? It feels like this is focusing almost only one the seemingly important plot points and besides that there really is just about no character development, which in my opinion is almost the opposite of how the game or most other FanFic goes about it.
The cherry on the cake is then that everything the established characters do feels completely out of their role. At first I thought "oh nice, Hisao is actually a huge jerk in this and because of this the storyline will take some interesting turns, which will allow this FanFic to differentiate itself from others." That's what I thought when Hisao seemingly wanted to fuck Hanako again after their confession. I was fine with that idea because hey, change one aspect to allow for a cool, different scenario to unfold as a result.
However instead it turns out Hisao just wants to sleep next to her.
Why...? How do you explain that kind of behavior then? Because if he actually is the mostly good-hearted guy we know and understanding of Hanako then there's no way in hell he'd just nonchalantly enter Hanako's room, pull her to her bad and ask "shall we?" Something which pretty much everyone, not just comfort-Misha-Hisao, would interpret as "let's fuck then!"
I mean they just confessed to each other because of how well they understand and care for each other. There's just no way the Hisao from the good Hanako ending would do this. If you actually turned him into a jerk for the purpose of introducing a cool storyline, okay. Fine, I could live with that. But to see that he's supposed to still be a good guy but he just happens to act like a jackass now? Nah.
I mean overall the Hisao, Hanako and Lilly just seem to change their character traits rather often throughout the five chapters so far.
I know I'm being quite negative and it may not seem like much constructive criticism but I just wanted to be honest here.
I'm not to sure where you're going with this. But i like it. It feels nice and right. And the scene with Hisao i think it was relatively in character from my point of view, although he would need a bit more character development. Or overall for that matter. To quote Blasphemy.
Blasphemy wrote:This FanFic is written in such a frantic way that everything feels very disjointed. You're writing very short scenes with minor or major leaps ahead in the timeline that I don't feel like I follow an actual storyline but rather short flashes of it every here and there.
-Snippy snippy-
I think the problem thus far is that the story is written from Hanako's perspective, so the changes that Hisao goes through are not always evident, though that is more than likely my fault for not including them, despite my efforts to subtly include some bits of change through the dialogue. For example, the Hokkaido incident was to be a mirror of that same selection of scenes from Lilly's route, but from the perspective following Hanako's good end. Moreover, thus far I have been jumping ahead erratically because, well, do you want to read all the same scenes from Lilly's route again, in a fanfiction?
What I'm essentially going for right now is to get through a few key scenes that are set to occur in the KS universe following Hisao and Hanako's confession, then get down to business and unfurl what I have planned for later. I will admit that I feel I'm not as connected to Hisao as I am with the rest of the characters, but I suppose that's because Hisao changes in all the different arcs. Rightly so, mind you. But that does make me stop and pause for a moment when writing him and thing "Okay, so is this the Hisao from Hanako's route? Emi's route? Lilly's route?". And it probably isn't so much of a stretch to say that I've mixed them up, but by the same token, not all of Hisao's actions are a result of this. For example, him remembering to take his pills instead of neglecting him as he did in the cannon Hokkaido scene was intentional, and for the purpose of illustrating a change in him. Pair that action with what had happened in the latest chapter and it might become evident where I'm going with this.
Also, I think the scene with Hisao's 'heart flutter' in Hokkaido isn't clear enough. Certainly he did double over, but my intention wasn't so much to have him have an episode, but rather just be straining himself to a dangerous amount. I tried to make this more apparent by including the line with Hanako's legs being tired. And even though Hanako refers to it later as an accident, it wasn't really meant to be a big deal from Hisao's perspective, but more a big deal for Hanako. As for Lilly's actions, I tried to illustrate her intentions with this line:
“I think we’d all best be off to bed. It’s been an emotional evening, certainly.”
And well, let's face it, Lilly isn't exactly a beacon of chastity, herself. So I didn't really see that as being too far out of character, if at all. Sure, Hisao doubled over and was exhausted, but he did also state that he didn't want his condition to dominate him, and it's not like he collapsed. He just needed a moment to rest, and then things went awry because Hanako got upset. Rightly so, IMO. Well, that was the intent, anyway. If it didn't come across that way, there's no sense blaming the reader.
So in short, I'm glad you took the time to read, even if it seems you aren't as fond of it as I'd like. I do hope future chapters serve to be less disjointed, particularly now that the story is mostly out of familiar territory.
I had a nightmare; I awoke in a cold sweat, alone in my room. There are few feelings like it...The loneliness that comes with being alone when all you want is company is crippling. But I’m too nerve-wracked to even consider being upset. In my dream, Hisao fought. He fought for me, and he died for it. Died fighting drunkards. I would say he died for me, but that phrase seems so wrong in this case. Because even if he died protecting me, I would have rather taken the beating than lose him. Sure, it sounds a bit melodramatic. Sure, maybe my preservation instincts aren’t the greatest. But is it so wrong to desire his company? To desire to be with him more than anything? To want him to...Love himself the way he loves me? The thought of loneliness is much worse than the thought of any physical pain.
I clutch my pillow to my chest, then I hear something from across the hall. I glance at my clock to find it is quarter-past midnight. Once standing, I move to quietly open my door, and close it behind me without a sound. I lean in closer to Lilly’s door, and hear Hisao and Lilly talking.
“So you punched him?” Lilly asks.
“What? No, no. I just got up in his face, and he fell backward and I started shouting. I don’t think I’ve ever thrown a punch in my life,” says Hisao.
“I see.” Lilly hums pensively, and there’s a brief silence. “Why did you do that, then? Did you feel like you had to protect Hanako?”
Hisao pauses. I anxiously await his answer, gripping my shirt. Part of me wants him to say he was, but the majority of me is screaming the opposite. That’s not what I want out of our relationship. I don’t want to be a damsel. I don’t want him to look down on me. These were things I was thinking about long before we even started dating, and the fact that it’s coming up again is depressing to say the least.
“I suppose you could word it that way, but it’s not entirely accurate. Yeah, what the guy said really made me angry. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to get mad when someone insults your girlfriend,” says Hisao.
“Certainly natural,” says Lilly.
“But it wasn’t like I thought Hanako needed a knight in shining armour. We talked about this more than once, you and I.”
“That we did.”
“Well, that part hasn’t changed. She’s still someone I want to love first and foremost, not protect. Maybe I was a bit rash, but...Just what the heck was going on? First we get back to find that the city streets are more crowded than a metropolitan city centre during rush hour, then there’s drunk people everywhere, including in the Shanghai, and next I know, someone is trying to insult Hanako. It doesn’t make any sense. And everything was just frustrating. I don’t think I would have done what I did had I not been so worked up before that man even approached us.”
“I’d say those accents certainly didn’t sound Japanese. So perhaps it was foreign tourism? As well, you’d do well to avoid getting worked up like that in the future. I’m sure you gave Hanako quite the scare.”
“Yeah.” Hisao sighs. He sounds very frustrated; I want to walk in and hug him and tell him it’s all right, but my body refuses to move from this point. “I couldn’t help myself. Hanako and I had talked the night before, and...I feel like she is starting to overcome her insecurity about her scarring. Even if just a little. So something that would go against that is all the more frustrating.”
“Oh? What makes you say she’s overcoming it?”
“She asked me why I don’t look at her differently because of her scars. I was honest and told her that I think she’s beautiful regardless.”
“How cute,” Lilly giggles. The way she said that so genuinely makes my cheeks burn. “But I think it’ll take more than just one person saying that to completely change her view of herself.”
“That won’t stop me from trying. Won’t stop me from making sure there is at least one person who tells her that.”
“And rightly so. Because you’ve become very important to her, you know. More so than I think you realize.”
“Why do you say that?”
Lilly pauses at Hisao’s question. Their conversation seems to be dying down to a point. A point where I feel I could maybe come in inconspicuously and say I just woke up. Which is...Mostly true. But I freeze when I hear Lilly start up again, because I know the slightly turn of the handle would alert her attention. I was careful enough to not make a sound coming over, but this close to Lilly, I’m convinced she could hear silence.
“Well, for one, she doesn’t link arms with me when you’re around. Haven’t you noticed that?” Lilly’s voice sound slightly sad. My careful and still hand starts to shake. I feel the blood drain from my face. What is she saying?
“Er, no...I haven’t really noticed. But now that you mention it, I can see what you’re saying.”
“Mm. Like last night. It’s not that it’s a big deal; I’m more than capable of finding my way with my cane, but it is something I’ve noticed.” Lilly may not find it a big deal, but remembering last night, I become wrought with guilt. Had I been with her instead of Hisao, the entirety of last night’s incident would have been avoided, since I could have steered her away from that drunkard. I resist the urge to cry. I know she’ll hear me at the slightest sniffle. But I just want to run in and hug her and say I’m sorry.
“What do you think it means? That is, do you think it’s a bad thing that she’s like this?” Hisao asks. Being talked about like this makes me feel like a child in some ways, and it’s getting harder and harder to stay where I am. But I know if I go in, they might not be as honest as they will be if I stay here.
“No, no. Not a bad thing at all. Perfectly natural, I’d say, that she is quite attached to her first boyfriend. You know I’m happy for the both of you.”
“Of course, but that doesn’t mean you’re not welcome. You’re still as much our friend as you’ve ever been.”
“Yes, I know. But I do recognize that you two need your space. I’m very glad to be friends with both of you; you’re among the most important people in my life. However, I would be very sad to interfere in your relationship. It’s a wonderful thing for the both of you.”
“But what about you?”
“I’m a big girl. I am more than capable of doing things on my own.”
“What about living? How will you get your groceries?”
“Oh Hisao,” Lilly laughs lightly. “You’re overreacting. I’m not about to get up and leave the both of you. I’ll still be around to do things. All I’m saying is that I don’t need to be with the both of you wherever you go. I’ll still have Hanako pick me up a few things whenever she goes. I know she enjoys helping me.”
Hearing Lilly talk about things like this comforts me. I feel like things will be okay now after they had felt bad for a while. Maybe I can relax. Maybe I ca–
“Hey, what are you doing standing around here?”
A voice from behind me makes me jump and stumble forward to the opposite side of the door. I turn around to see a girl with short red hair looking at me with a curious gaze.
“Are there spies in there? Maybe a secret meeting? Probably the art committee. I’m convinced they have people on the inside,” says the girl. I’ve seen her around before, but her name escapes me.
“I..I’m sorry?” I say.
“Sorry? What for? Are you a spy, too? That would be unfortunate. I don’t have anything to capture you with right now.”
I stare at the girl for a moment, dumbfounded. What on earth is she talking about? I try to speak, but nothing comes out.
“Silence is pretty incriminating. So I’m right. That’s good. I might have been upset if I was wrong. It’s pretty late. Emotions can be pretty high at night.”
I don’t bother to point out that she seems to have no emotion in her voice or expression, not that I think it would matter. It’s at this point that the door clicks open to reveal Hisao.He blinks a few times, visibly confused.
“Hanako? Rin? What are you two doing here?”
“She’s a spy,” says Rin.
“N-N-No! I wasn’t spying!” I say, trying to cover my tracks.
“Then you were lying to me? I’m shocked.”
“I..What?” Again, I neglect to mention that despite what she says, her face has not even the beginnings of emotion. Hisao buries his eyes under his palm and rubs his eyes between his thumb and index finger.
“Rin, why aren’t you in bed?” asks Hisao.
“I could ask you the same thing. In the girl dorms, no less. You could be reprimanded for this. It would be really bad. I’d have them do terrible things.”
“D-Don’t, p-please! I don’t...don’t want Hisao to get in trouble...” I say. This is the first time he’s been caught here, and it would probably be met with serious punishment. Despite this, Hisao seems to be laughing under his smirk.
“Just go back to bed, Rin. You’re probably just dreaming right now,” says Hisao.
“Oh? Well that’s good. Dreams have a lot of good imagery in them. I’ll be sure to tell the real you that I saw dream you. Real you will probably find it amusing,” says Rin, then she walks off as if nothing happened. And I’m left having no idea what just happened.
“What are you doing out of bed? Couldn’t sleep?” asks Hisao. Lilly has since joined him at the door. She has a calm look on her face that also seems a bit accusatory.
“Y-Yeah...I woke up and c-came out, and t-the girl started t-talking to me,” I say. Both of them look at me with that accusing glare now.
“You’re sure you weren’t supervising our conversation, Hanako?” asks Lilly.
“Err...I c-can’t say. I-I mean it’s p-possible I h-heard something n-near the end...B-But that was when I c-came out of my r-room. I t-told you that I was...wasn’t spying.” It’s only a small lie. Who knows how long they were talking? The part I heard could be called the end. The two of them just laugh, and I pout at them. Hisao puts his hand on my head and then pulls me into the room.
The three of us sit down and Lilly pours some tea. Both of them had a cup already, and there was a third one already in place next to Hisao’s. Either they were expecting me, they heard me, or they forgot it was there. I sit down and take a small sip of the tea. It’s warm, but not tongue-blistering.
“S-So...W-Who was that? Is she going to...Report you, Hisao?” I ask.
“Hm? Oh. Nah. Rin is peculiar, but she’s nice. I think,” says Hisao. Lilly makes a small furrow of her brow, then shakes it off. I suppose Lilly isn’t as fond of Rin as Hisao seems to be.
“You sure...know a lot of people, Hisao,” I say. Lilly grins lightly.
“My my, is that a hint of jealousy I hear, Hanako?” asks Lilly.
“W-Wha?! N-No! I’m j-just making s-small talk...” I say. Both of them laugh, and I sink a bit lower under the table.
“I kind of...ran into a lot of people in my first little while here. Or sometimes they ran into me.” Hisao seems to be recounting something, but it goes over both mine and Lilly’s head.
“Oh, before you forget, Hisao, perhaps you should Hanako what you told me,” says Lilly.
“Oh, right,” Hisao nods, and I look at him curiously. “I went for a bit of a walk after we got back to cool off, and I ran into Mutou. He told me that he wants me to join him tomorrow after school to go to a science convention in a nearby town.”
“O-Oh. That’s g-great,” I say. I’m glad that he’s pursuing his interests. The majority of me is happy for him, with a small part sad that he’ll be away. I’ll be fine on my own, but I miss him already. I don’t show any signs of that, though, because I wouldn’t want him feeling guilty. And it really isn’t a big deal. My brain is just weird right now, with all that’s happened.
“I t-think I should try and get m-more sleep,” I say. Maybe then, I’ll feel less emotionally unstable. The two of them nod, and Hisao even joins me to kiss me good night. It makes falling asleep so much easier. And even more, he comes back in a few minutes later before I fall asleep and joins me. With his arm over me and his chest pressed to my back, I’m content. My eyes close, and sleep consumes me in preparation for classes tomorrow.
Sapphire wrote:
“I kind of...ran into a lot of people in my first little while here. Or sometimes they ran into me.” Hisao seems to be recounting something, but it goes over both mine and Lilly’s head.
“Oh, before you forget, Hisao, perhaps you should Hanako what you told me,” says Lilly.
1. Lilly and Hanako were both there when Emi ran into Hisao. She doesn't remember that?
2. Should tell* Hanako
Hisao seems to be recounting something, but it goes over both mine and Lilly’s head.
What Dippeggs said - also "Recalling"
Well, your Rin reads like she's spent a little too much time with Kenji^^°
Foreign tourists in a backwater like that? and enough to fill both the Shanghai and the streets as well? Did a half dozen tour busses get lost somehow?
Besides I think you're overcompensating a bit too much for Blasphemy's criticism. That conversation Hanako listened into was just perfectly tailored to contain everything she wanted to hear. If this story was written by someone like Hoitash or kosherbacon or even HayStack44, right now I would begin to suspect some kind of conspiracy. Lilly and Hisao knew she was standing outside and the had the conversation just to put her off guard.
Last edited by Mirage_GSM on Wed Aug 28, 2013 4:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Sapphire wrote:
“I kind of...ran into a lot of people in my first little while here. Or sometimes they ran into me.” Hisao seems to be recounting something, but it goes over both mine and Lilly’s head.
“Oh, before you forget, Hisao, perhaps you should Hanako what you told me,” says Lilly.
1. Lilly and Hanako were both there when Emi ran into Hisao. She doesn't remember that?
2. Should tell* Hanako
Didn't you know? Hanako is a verb now. I should Hanako for a few hours. You should also Hanako for a while. Proceeds to slam head to desk for being bad at proofreading.
Mirage_GSM wrote:
Hisao seems to be recounting something, but it goes over both mine and Lilly’s head.
What Dippeggs said - also "Recalling"
Well, your Rin reads like she's spent a little too much time with Kenji^^°
Foreign tourists in a backwater like that? and enough to fill both the Shanghai and the streets as well? Did a half dozen tour busses get lost somehow?
Besides I think you're overcompensating a bit too much for Blasphemy's criticism. That conversation Hanako listened into was just perfectly tailored to contain everything she wanted to hear. If this story was written by someone like Hoitash or kosherbaconor even HayStack44, right now I would begin to suspect some kind of conspiracy. Lilly and Hisao knew she was standing outside and the had the conversation just to put her off guard.
I take valid criticism to heart, probably more than I should at times, but regardless, this scene was planned from the get-go. Perhaps not to the length it came out to be, but something of this ilk was already decided once I had written the previous chapter. As well, I feel that since I have more or less exited familiar waters, I can slow things down a bit instead of sporadically jumping from scene to scene without worrying that people will pass out from boredom.
And who knows, maybe there is a conspiracy. Did you see that smile Hisao was giving? Of course you didn't, it's text. But the imagination can work wonders![/spoilers]
This is my first post, And I just want to say, I don't normally speak much, But when I get the honor to read something as nice as this. I feel I at least need to say something, Soo thank you so very much. It's so nice to see how close the KS Comunity is here. Please keep up the good work, if this is going to be continued
Feurox wrote:This is my first post, And I just want to say, I don't normally speak much, But when I get the honor to read something as nice as this. I feel I at least need to say something, Soo thank you so very much. It's so nice to see how close the KS Comunity is here. Please keep up the good work, if this is going to be continued
Many thanks for reading and commenting! And I'll leave this here so anyone else who comes here wondering knows: the story isn't abandoned. I took a long hiatus from it not so long ago, and unfortunately I've had to take another short one because I've just moved and my new apartment doesn't have internet yet. :/ So the only time I can upload would be at my friend's house where I am at time of writing. Unfortunately I haven't got the latest chapter written to my liking. But it is *mostly* done. So you can expect an update whenever I next have internet!
Please keep up the good work, if this is going to be continued 