Hanako's Broken Heart Club

[bhtooefr]

Also, if you haven't already, I'd suggest taking advantage of any mental health resources available to you. Best would be if you have insurance that covers mental health treatment, and can afford it, but if you can't...

It sounds like you're currently in 12th grade and in the US? There may be some mental health resources you can access at your high school. Many colleges also offer free counseling, if you're planning on going.

[Rudz]

Counselling has helped me, so I too would recommend it.

[CharcoalWhite]

words

Wow. Thanks for reading it. I think i just needed to vent (a lot) because feel like I am improving since I posted that. And you are right, but I think that it will be a while before I can simply lower my guard so easily.

more words

I might go in for counseling at some point, but lately I have been better than I have in years, thanks to Katawa Shoujo in part. So I think I will hold that off for when things get worse.

even more words

Thanks for reading.
Yeah, I was a little okay, a lot emotional during her arc. Especially during the wheat field scene and the ending. Over all, I think that the fact that Lilly was so similar was beneficial. It helped me heal in a way, it gave me closure I guess. It's funny that I should even need closure because everything that happened was so one sided. I don't think she ever knew.

Edit: for clarification

[Noizestorm]

I have read a lot of personal stories on this board and I can safely say that I relate to all of you... I guess it's time to share mine.
You guys don't know what it means to me that someone is taking their time away from their day to read my story, Im sorry there is no TL;DR It's not as simple as that....
And I assure you that this story is 100% true and based on my memories, so I apologize beforehand if some things seem a bit off


My name is Steven Cho（주다로） I apologize for the wall of text...
I guess my suffering starts when I was 7 years old, I had 2 sisters, I being the middle child. With my sister Joyce being the younger and Veronica the eldest... I always remembered one thing about my parents, that they were always protective of my younger sister... I'll never forget my father's cold expression when he told me and my older sister "Take care of your little sister, what ever happens to her... it is now your responsibility." I can never shake off that feeling of fear that I have felt coming out of my father, Even at that a young age, I knew that once a responsibility came up for the family, as Korean tradition dictates, you must never dis-obey your immediate elders. I didn't realize how big this responsibility was going to be until the situation became rather dramatic in a few month's time. My mother and father went on a flight, I'm still not sure what the trip was for, but until they came back my sister was to in charge of us, even though she was only 10, despite her age. They told us that they were only to be gone for 3 days, but they never came back... When my sister turned on the T.V one day, she told us that the plane that our parents were in, had crashed...


I was devastated to hear that our parents were now dead, I began to fall into despair, during those weeks is when I woke up from my naive and child-like personality, and accepted the fact that they're gone and that there's nothing that we could do about that. My younger sister, still too young and innocent, barely 6 years old... Doesn't even know to this day what happened that day that we had to move out and find jobs, I remember the Joyce's voice, it sounded as if she was lost.When we were walking down the road, she suddenly clutched my arm... She was crying... She had asked me " Where's mommy and daddy? I miss them so much." I had told her, we would see them soon.I felt a guilty feeling in my gut for lying to her just like that, but it was for the best of intentions. That seemed to calm her down, and then she said that she was getting tired, We rested for a little bit on my lap when we had reached a park, my sister told me that we were on our own now, we didn't have any immediate family members that would take us in that were residing in the city... And we couldn't get into contact with our aunts and uncles from the neighboring cities. At this point, we were truly alone. I don't know how I developed my solemn and closed off personality or my poker face... But I guess from that experience, I have learned that if you loved someone, that love has to end someday, no matter how strong...


We were then working odd jobs, doing what we can. I even got into thievery, and I got rather good at it, thanks to my agile, small size, but then later Veronica questioned me about the money, I told her the truth and she prompt me to stop...We did these odd jobs for sometime and we always came back to the house, it was alright sometimes, but most of the times we barely had enough to eat, I most of the time gave my share to my little sister so that she wouldn't starve, I remembered what my father had told me and my older sister. A few months after the grueling pain of being thrown into the real world at such a young age, a wealthy uncle of ours finally comes into contact with us, we tell him our situation and he agrees to take us in... During that year living at my uncle's house, it was rather re-assuring, I was beginning to lose the habit of constantly putting out a poker face and never really show my real emotions... I felt normal at school, sure maybe I didn't have a lot of friends but I had 'some', I was especially close with this girl that I refer to as Sarah. As for my younger sister, Joyce. That's a different story, she was one of the most popular girls of her class, and soon it was as if the school was swarming around her. We were relieved to find that she wasn't really traumatized and affected from this situation. I got more and more attentive into my studies and I soon got commendations for my academic achievements, for once... I felt that life was finally going back to normal.

Everything was normal for the next few years, our uncle was always at work and many times he had to go to the capital for several weeks, but we didn't mind. After all, we took care of ourselves. Somethings I've realized about him was that he had no family of his own, despite being 50~. We never lacked anything... Not food, not clothing, not even conventional accessories such as make up for my sisters or my books. It seems that he was treating us as if we were taking his children's place, I don't blame him, I have asked him about his family but he never seemed to answer me in a straight-forward fashion, always giving me vague clues(At least I thought they were clues, but I never put 2 and 2 together). Until one day, he took us to the capital and up near a mountain where I soon realized that it was a cemetery, my sisters took longer than I to catch on what he was going to show us. We walked down the meadows of rows of several people who oddly died at young ages. I pass by one grave, and I soon realize the name, and I see the picture was that of a handsome man in a military uniform with a black beret. He explains to us that that's his son, his only child. He explains to us that he died serving as part of the South Korean dispatch of soldiers to serve as peace-keepers in Somalia, he told me that his patrol was ambushed in the late 1993...I asked about his mother, but he managed to chuckle and told me that she died giving birth to him. I couldn't help but see a little bit of myself in him, we are cousins after all... When I was turning 15, that's when Veronica died, even to this day I still don't know how she died... I kept asking her friends but they all danced around the answer and I was too weak and broken up about it to push the matter even further...

The following years to come, I have gotten close with Sarah and we'd known each other few years now, and she was the only person I ever opened up to and the only person who I considered my true friend. She was the only one to comfort me when my sister had passed... After awhile, I started to drift away from her, and everyone in general. I became more and more diligent on my work and nothing else... I've even forgotten all about my other friends, I guess Sarah saw this happening and she started trying to get more and more intimate with me, she started inviting me to her house, making an excuse that we were going to do the homework together there, one night, as I was finishing up some equations on her bed, she goes to the bathroom. When she comes out, her uniform is unbuttoned halfway and I can see the out-line of her bra, and then that's when it hit me like a truck. The reason why she's been so intimate me all of a sudden, the reason for the long walks, the dates (Even though when I ask her, she insists it's not a date). She comes close to me, I'm lying there, frozen on her bed still trying to figure the situation out, still trying to form a reaction, but I can't seem to come up with anything, My mind went blank. She tells me that she had feelings for me ever since we met, and didn't say anything because of something I said to her years ago that was interpreted in "I wasn't really interested in a relationship". It astonishes me despite all that, she still hung out with me, we still stayed good friends all these years, and now, that friendship turns into something more, something fueled by passion, we kiss.

I can feel my heart burning like the steam engine of a locomotive, burning fiercely.We embrace each other for the rest of the night, we follow in a rather chaotic and messy rhythm until finally we reach our climax, I soon learned that the circumstances would've meant the end or the beginning of something new, and that my friendship had to end that night, either becoming something more or disappearing forever as a faint memory. 2 months after my sister's passing, it had to be my emotional soft-point. I became intimate with her, and we eventually only hung with each other, but I didn't mind, for once in my life... I had someone, and I was actually happy for a change. After a few weeks of class, exams are finished, and with the school year finally over, I become rather restless, soon I get a proposition to get an education in the U.S, I gladly took this proposition, naive as I was a few years ago... I regret that decision now. I remember saying goodbye to my Sarah and my sister, not knowing that I wouldn't come into contact with them for the 2 years to come.

During my stay of 2 years in the U.S, I have developed bad habits and have been hanging with around other Koreans that were studying there as well there since I wasn't yet familiar with the language yet, but it turns that I was with the wrong people... I drifted apart from my sister and my girlfriend rather quickly, since they also got a proposition to obtain an education in china, I assume Sarah and Joyce became close friends during that time-period... During this time-period I have made so many countless mistakes that I regret everyday, things that hit me harder than the things I've experienced in my childhood... After the 2 years, and the perfect timing of these, immediately after I graduate, I get a letter from my sister, saying that she returned to Korea and was wondering how I was doing, she afterwards immediately wrote about how our uncle has fallen ill and is being hospitalized... With that, I pack my bags and grab my ticket back to Korea, I left the U.S thinking about all the time I wasted here in the U.S, the entire flight I was thinking of my commitment to my sister now that I'm the last sibling she has...

As I enter the entrance of Gimhae International Airport, 2 arms appear from behind my back and grip me rather tightly, I was alarmed at first, until I hear her voice, which then soothes me, it's a voice I haven't heard in awhile... And it's music to my ears... but I cant even force a smile even if wanted to... I just stared at her... I then saw her eyes looking up at me... In fear, I recognized those eyes... The same ones I gave my father when I was young...
My home-coming to Korea is rather in-interrupted for the most part, I visited all the people I had to visit. But I was starting to feel empty inside, I felt unaccomplished... I forgotten why I was in Korea in the first place... During a few months I was contemplating hard on what I had to do... I was trying to remember what I thought about my commitment. After a passionate night with my girlfriend, I have a pain in my chest and I start to having trouble breathing, I suddenly start coughing... After I get a glass of water everything goes back to normal. The next day I go to the hospital for a check up... about 2 days later, I get an appointment to the hospital for my diagnosis. Turns out I have dilated cardiomyopathy, and I soon realize that my situation is getting worse and worse as the months pass by...
The pains come more and more often, Nobody knows about this with exception of Sarah, since she was the one who accompanied me when I received my diagnosis...

My sister get's more and more suspicious of my symptoms and I soon stop talking to her all together... She calls me and I ignore them, she talks to my girlfriend I tell her to keep quiet, hoping that eventually she would just 'forget'. I thought this was a good way protecting her but until recently she came into my room one night and locked the door... with her computer, she had this game called 'Katawa Shoujo' and we played it together on my bed, I used to go a lot on 4chan during when I was in the U.S, so I've heard about this game before but never had time to try it. We ended up playing Emi's path, and at this point my sister was hugging me deeply, when we got to thepart of the cemetery with Emi and she explains about her father, I find myself in tears, and my sister then goes to the point why she showed this to me...I remember her words:" I've been so worried about you when you came back, you seemed so distant. When I looked into your eyes..." She is in tears at this point, and watching her like this smashes my heart to pieces as if Emi's story wasn't enough "You looked like as if you resented me. That night I couldn't sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about your gaze, and then one day, it seemed like you pushed me out of your life, you stopped talking to me. You stopped answering my phone calls, and then I thought that you just wanted to forget about me and move on with the rest your life as if I was garbage..." That last phrase killed me..."I thought that you just wanted to forget about me and move on with the rest your life as if I was garbage" I wanted to deny her assumption, but I didn't want her to know about my condition because I know that it would kill her, I've already done things to improve my condition. I quit smoking and I started doing exercise a lot more often... She continues "I didn't want to lose you... Not like this, I already lost my parents, I already lost Veronica... I don't want to lose my brother too... I don't want to lose anymore..." I can only stare hopelessly at the ground as tears are flow down my face, as I realize my selfish mistake... As she holds tightly around me as if I was going drift away that moment. I tell her "No matter if it kills me, if it burns the skin off my body, if it rips me apart from the inside, I will never, never stop loving you, Much less leave you without being sure you're in good hands. You're my only sibling, it's my duty as your big brother, to protect you." We end up hugging each other deep into the night, she falls asleep on my chest. Seeing her sleeping like that, made me realize that she is just like Emi in many ways... She still has dreams of her troubled childhood,as well as so many things being taken away from her, the only thing she's missing is a disability and she would an identical match. many times I'm awakened in the night by her moaning and when I see her troubled face, I begin to tear up to the fact that she is suffering in the only land a mortal being cant venture into, her dreams. I hold her tighter to my body, and I see her troubled face winding up into a humble smile. I think she's going to be ok.


I'm 20 years old this year, and because of the act of Conscription/mandatory military service in Korea, I have already delayed the MP's long enough. I'm going to leave my sister soon, but before that, I want to give her as many good memories as I can to her, so that her nightmares or loneliness can be replaced by her thoughts of those that we had before I get shipped off, I looked into if Dilated Cardiomyopathy is a valid reason to be excused completely from military service and sadly it's not, only temporary until my condition gets better. I am forever thankful for that fateful night my sister introduced me Katawa Shoujo, and made me feel quantities of untapped love that was buried in my heart from a time that might as well been a millenia. It made me realize what she was going through. My goal I want to accomplish is to help her in the one way any other person in her life can't, and that is to give her good memories of us before I get shipped off.
I Thank you all for taking the time to read my history, again, I cant emphasize enough about how thankful I am for people to take the time to read it.

To all the people who has had a tough childhood, growing up without parents, Lost siblings and lovers...etc... You're not alone...Be strong, Pain is only temporary...

[Rudz]

Wow, Noziestorm. That is certainly quite a lot of trauma for someone to go through, especially at such a young age...frankly, I find it incredible how you handled the situation, and how much you care for your little sister. It is admirable.

We all make mistakes, but you should not get hung up on them. What matters is the present and the future, the past is something we should learn from and move on from, however difficult it may be at times. I wish you all the best, you are a good person. Life can be too cruel at times.

[Potato]

Pain is only temporary...

That goes without saying. Death is at the end of every life, and pain can't survive past that. It being temporary doesn't guarantee it won't be lifelong.

[CharcoalWhite]

Dang, you make me sound like a wimp. Fine, nearly everything here makes me sound like a wimp. You are a much stronger person than I am to go through all that and still have gone as far as you have. I hope you find happiness wherever you end up.

[Noizestorm]

When my sister is at finally happy and at peace... Then is when I can finally rest...

[icannotfindausername]

Dang, you make me sound like a wimp. Fine, nearly everything here makes me sound like a wimp. .

I don't like that concept.
What does it mean to be a whimp? a coward? a weakling?

Expressing one's deepest, strongest, most impact-full feelings and sharing those with others, receiving comfort and learning to grow as a person from that makes a one a wimp?
Bottling up all your emotions, feelings and pain then acting like a heartless stone makes one a strong, macho, super-manly man?

I think the common understanding of those two terms is reversed.
It is DEFINITELY, without question, more demanding and taxing on said person to express their feelings. It's much easier to bottle up and cower away from strong emotions.

So I urge you to try and avoid using "wimpy" or "girly" to point out those who express their feelings.

Now that may have nothing to do with the current scenario but I can't help it when such words are thrown around mindlessly

[metalangel]

I think it's more being able to deal with your emotions with being ruled by them, being able to function and have a normal life without breaking down in tears or flying into a rage at the slightest provocation.

It relates in a way to what I said about dismissing other people's feelings. Be told to cheer up/nut up/MTFU/get over it is totally unhelpful.

[Sants]

Words.

"Pain is only temporary". No more truthful words have been spoken on this thread than these.

I hope that everything will be alright with you being conscripted. I wish the best for you.

[cantataria]

...

man this whole story was so heartbreaking but you still have such a gracious and kind attitude...i hope you and your sister only have the best lives possible after this you deserve it.

[Asterite]

So I will tell you about my own story.


My mother had many jobs. My father was in the Marine (Half military-Half business trips in boats), he was home something like 2 months every years, and when he was here he was spending all his free time (and money) at random bars. He was also seeing other women. Both my parents were smoking and drinking, I got sick many times because of it, but that's not important.

I grew up in my early years pretty normally, I then entered primary school ; I was a very good student, actually, I was the best of my class (but hey, that was elementary school, huh !), my teachers were often saying that if I keep like that, I would probably be a very good student in the future. I was one year younger than everybody in my class. My main problem happened at that time.
I had made a friend, a very good friend, his name was "Hugo". Actually I was spending all my days with him, he was my best friend, because of it, I did not really feel the need to "over"socialize with other boys, we were just playing football together sometimes.
Hugo then told me, one day, that his parents decided to move from our city, and that they would leave very soon, in a hurry. He told me that next week, he would be gone.
I was very young at that age, I did not quite understand, of course I understood it meant we wouldn't see each other again, but I thought for some reasons he would come back during holidays and so on, or we could exchange phone numbers. But in the end we did not because it was too much in a hurry and I never knew his family name.
The week went by. I went back to school the next day, feeling VERY sad. But then. I saw him. He was still there. I ran to him and asked him if they changed their mind and finally decided to stay, he told me that no they would still leave, it was simply delayed of one day.
I was torn between two ideas. The first being "He will leave", and the second "He is still here". We decided to play together as if nothing would be happening the following day, we played together a last time.
We said goodbye ; He left.

I kept focusing in class, but I was always alone during breaks. Sitting on a bench, alone, far from the other boys from my class, I was either watching them or just watching nothing in particular, just looking right in front of me. Everydays.
I was crying every days and nights because I was missing him so much. I started eating a lot, eventually I got very fat, my grades decreased a lot, until I became the worst student of almost all the class I have been into, during several years.
In the following years, other primary school boys from my class started bullying me because I was always alone and also because I was fat. I sometimes had a talk with some of them, but it was very short, and none of them considered himself as my friend, they often told me so.
The worst about it is that, I was inviting people at my birthday. Every years. They were coming. But none of them was my friend. I just tried my best to show my parents I was "happy" so they wouldn't worry about me.

My mother decided to force me to do some sport, so I started tae kwon do when I was 8-9 years old. It helped me not to lose weight, but to control it, which means I was growing up, and not getting fatter (I managed to reach an almost normal weight/height about my 17-18 years old). It was very hard physically since I was fat, but at least the people there weren't bullying me. I still had no friends there, I did not know how to socialize. Every week during the training, I saw them sitting together, they were never coming to sit next to me. But that was ok, I was used to it, it didn't bother me, and at least they were not punching me.
My mother talked a few times with the parents of two kids in my class when waiting for me outside the school. As a result, they both went to the same club as me. My troubles started to happen there too.
But being all alone during several years trained me, I was used to this situation, so I decided to wait. After all, in a few years I'd get rid of them, we would go to different schools.


Time went by. I entered Highschool. I was still a loner, alone either in the back of the class or in the front desks. I started making a few "friends", well actually it was more a group than friends. Also I knew they were stabbing me in the back when I wasn't there. It made me a bit sad to know it, but it was ok, I could endure it, I experienced harder.
At that time I was about 13, living with my mother who splitted appart from my father (not divorced, but not lovers anymore) she bought our first computer. This was a gift from the heaven. It helped me to get out of my loneliness, for the first time I experienced what it was to "know" people. I had made some friends online on a chat (the time when chats were only for chatting with nice people sharing the same interests as you, not full of perverts like nowadays) but one day they suddenly disappeared, I never figured how it happened, even nowadays I still don't understand, it will be a mistery forever ! Well anyway, I had made my first "girlfriend" there.
Her name was Justine, we were about the same age, living in the same city, she invited me to her home and we often spent time together. Then we started "dating".
She had a disease because of which she wasn't able to go outside during the daylight. So we were only meeting at her home. I was always visiting her, trying to cheer her up and spend my time with her. She was going to the hospital every month for some kind of routine checkup. One day at the hospital, they managed to found a cure to her disease. GREAT ! She could go out in the daylight now. We started going out together. She started going out with her family, and alone too, of course. We saw each other less and less every days, she was spending all her time outside. Then she broke up with me and told me she had found someone else.
I felt like she just lied to me and used me all that time.
After this event, I started to hate girls. I was thinking that people were bullying me, and girls were making me sad on purpose, maybe I deserved it because of something I didn't know or something else.

While growing up, I was not scared of girls anymore, but I was too shy to talk to any of them, I was simply unable to communicate with a single one. I couldn't even look at them.

Years went by, and I am now with a girl that I really love very much.


If I had to choose a girl from KS, it would definitively be Hanako. Because we have experienced some similar things. We both had a physical problem that we were ashamed about, both lost someone very important to us (even if of course her loss was way bigger than mine !) and we both were not able to handle having many persons around us, or even just one staring at us. It makes me feel like I understand her situation and would like to protect her, because I know how it feels.


Now it may not be as harsh as some other persons stories over here, but that's the story of what made me who I am nowadays.

[Potato]

would like to protect her

Did you even Hanako's bad end?

[Xiious]

A few days till this thread is 2 years old, and it is still here for those who need to share their stories to those willing to listen... I'm moved to tears.